BS: Blonde Jokes

Subject: Blonde Jokes
From: Sandy Creek
Date: 10 Apr 03 - 01:29 PM

Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'

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I need some top-of-th-line Blonde Jokes (clean, risque, or downright nasty) for an article that I am doing for a humor magazine and some newspaper articles. C'mon, 'Catters, lay 'em on me.

Subject: RE: Blonde Jokes
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 10 Apr 03 - 01:33 PM

I hate blonde jokes.

That request belongs the BS list if a trash bin isn't available.

Subject: RE: Blonde Jokes
From: Wesley S
Date: 10 Apr 03 - 01:36 PM

Can we replace the word "blonde" with "Sandy Creek"?

How do you know that "Sandy Creek" has been using your computer ? Because of the white out on the screen.

Subject: RE: Blonde Jokes
From: Inükshük
Date: 10 Apr 03 - 01:43 PM

Policeman: Lady, if you don't put your breast back in your dress I will have to cite you for indecent exposure.
Blonde: Damn! I must have left the baby on the bus again.

Subject: RE: BS: Blonde Jokes
From: Beccy
Date: 10 Apr 03 - 01:53 PM

I claim the right to tell these jokes on the basis that my Mom, brother, husband and 3 sons are all blonde and THEY think they're funny. Disclaimer aside:

Q.) How do you drown a blonde?

A.) Put scratch and sniff stickers on the bottom of a full tub.

Subject: RE: BS: Blonde Jokes
From: GUEST,Q
Date: 10 Apr 03 - 02:08 PM

Blonde (notice the e) goes into unisex barbershop.
Asks for a cut, but says that she can't remove the headphone set she is wearing. Hair dresser says OK, I'll do my best. The phone rings in the back of the shop and the barber runs to answer, accidentally knocking off the head phone. When he comes back, the blonde is dead. After he calls 911, he listens to the headset out of curiosity.

Breathe in-----, breathe out------; breathe in------, breathe out------

Subject: RE: BS: Blonde Jokes
From: Pseudolus
Date: 10 Apr 03 - 02:18 PM

After finally getting fed up with all of the blonde jokes in her office this blonde goes home and decides to do something about it. She memorizes the capitals of all fifty states and goes back to work the next day ready. A co-worker starts to tell a dumb blonde joke and she stops him and says, "Hey, I'm not as dumb as you think I am! I know the capital of every state in the US, just ask me!!" The co-worker, trying to control his laughter says, "OK, what's the capital of Wyoming?" The blonde proudly responds......"W"!

Frank

Subject: RE: BS: Blonde Jokes
From: catspaw49
Date: 10 Apr 03 - 02:37 PM

Well, let's get rid of the lewd ones right away...........

Q: What's the difference between a mosquito and a blonde?
A: When you slap a mosquito, it will stop sucking.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and the Atlantic Coast?
A: The Atlantic Coast would never have that many crabs.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a taxi cab?
A: You have to pay to ride in a taxi cab.

Q: How do you give a blonde more headroom?
A: Adjust the steering wheel.

Q: Why did the blonde have lip stick on her steering wheel?
A: She was trying to blow the horn.

Q: Why does a blonde wear panties?
A: To keep her ankles warm.

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and the local football team?
A: The blonde has the higher sperm count.

Q: How does a blonde turn on the lights after having sex?
A: Opens the car door.

Q: What do blondes and cow pies have in common?
A: The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.

Q: Why aren't blondes good cattle herders?
A: Because they can't even keep two calves together!

Q: What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg?
A: Nothing. They've never met.

Q: Why is a blonde like a turtle?
A: They are both screwed when they're on their back.

Q: What did the blonde's mom say to her before she went out?
A: If you're not in bed by midnight, come home.

Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme.

Q: What is the difference between a circus and a group of blondes?
A: At the circus you'll find a cunning array of stunts.

Q: What did the blonde do when her doctor told her she had sugar in her urine?
A: She peed on her corn flakes.

Q: What did the blonde do when she noticed that someone had already written on the overhead transparency?
A: She turned it over and used the other side.

Q: What did the really dumb blond say when someone blew in her bra?
A: Thanks for the refill.

Q: What did the blonde say when she knocked over the priceless Ming vase?
A: "It's OK Daddy, I'm not hurt."

Q: How does a blonde commit suicide?
A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.

Q: How do you plant dope?
A: Bury a blonde.

Q: Why did god give blonds 2% more brains than horses?
A: Because he didn't want them shitting in the streets during parades.

Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
A: Wave to her.

Q: How does a blonde measure his/her IQ?
A: With a tire gauge! (da da dum)

Q: How does a blonde get pregnant?
A: And I thought blondes were dumb!

Q: How does a blonde part their hair?
A1: (Action of scissoring legs apart)
A2: By doing the splits.

Q: How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm?
A1: She drops her nail-file!
A2: Who cares?
A3: She says, "Next".
A4: The next person in the queue taps you on the shoulder.
A5: He's had his clothes for about 2 minutes.
A6: I mean, who really cares?
A7: The batteries have run out.


Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.

Q: How does a blonde like her eggs?
A: Unfertilized.

Q: How do you drown a blond?
A1: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.
A2: Don't tell her to swallow.
A3: Leave a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.

Q: How do you tell if a blonde did your landscaping?
A: The bushes are darker than the rest of the yard.


Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Blonde Jokes
From: GUEST,Lyle
Date: 10 Apr 03 - 04:11 PM

Q: Why do blondes have brown feet?

A: From stomping the s**t out of people who tell blonde jokes.

Lyle

Subject: RE: BS: Blonde Jokes
From: Sandy Creek
Date: 10 Apr 03 - 04:54 PM

Spaw...wonderful! Not a bad one in the lot.

Subject: RE: BS: Blonde Jokes
From: p.j.
Date: 10 Apr 03 - 09:28 PM

okay okay okay okay okay.... so like I can't stand it any LONGer?   yaKNOW?

So I have to tell you about this ACTUAL BLONDE MOMENT from a few years ago. Not a joke (sorry Sandy Creek) but, like, what-EVER....
It was my quintessential blonde moment and I have to share it with the class.

So I'm driving to a gig across a long, fairly deserted stretch of highway in the S.F. Bay Area (Hwy 37 for those of you keeping score at home...)

...by the way, this reminds me that during televised soccer games a friend of mine used to yell "...he shoots, he SCOOOOORES... he goes home with a blonde, he SCOOOOORES..."

...but I digress...

So I'm driving to this gig and I hear a funny sound under my car and I think maybe I'm dragging something, and I pull over and get out and look under the car. Nothing. Then I go back to get in and realize that I've instinctively locked my door before closing it, and the car is still running. Idiot.

Fine. I hike back several miles to the nearest payphone and call AAA (the emergency road service.) I explain that I have locked my keys in the car while it is still running and I need them to come and jimmy the lock. They ask the usual questions so that they can locate the car...

"Where is the vehicle, ma'am?" the dispatcher inquires.
"On Hwy 37 about 3 miles east of Sears Point Rd." I responded.
"And what does the vehicle look like?" he says.
"It's a white Chrysler convertable." says I.   There was a pause.
"Ma'am..." he says, "The top is up, right??"

I swear, if I could have reached through the receiver and grabbed this Jethro by the ears, I would have pulled him and his clever little eyelash-batting-blonde-detector through the phone, and pounded his head on the counter of the 7-11 like a Warner Bros. cartoon at that very moment.

The THOUGHT of him sitting there at his AAA dispatch desk, seriously trying to confirm that the girl on the phone had not actually "locked" her keys in the convertible WITH THE TOP DOWN, then hiked 3 miles to call emergency road service...

I still want to take a hostage when I think about it!   :o) Okay, maybe I have some issues...but I'm in a 12-step program now. (Although each of the 12 steps are really tiny, because you can't take big steps in these platform stilettos with the ankle straps...)


p.j.

Subject: RE: BS: Blonde Jokes
From: Blackcatter
Date: 10 Apr 03 - 10:02 PM

You know why brunettes tell blonde jokes?
They have to have something to do on Saturday night.

Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
So it's more comfortable when their brunette friends come and cry on their shoulder when their dumped for the 50th time.

How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
Don't know - we always get our brunette friends to change them for us.

Why do blondes let brunettes think their stupid?
Man, pity pays big!

Why to brunettes think blondes are so dumb?
They've got to delude themselves that they're better than somebody.

Why do blondes say that they have more fun?
Because everyone else knows it's true.

Why do blondes allow "dumb blonde" jokes?
They know it takes the pressure off the Kykes, Wops, Hebes, Spics, Polocks, Homos, Mics, Red Injuns, Slant-eyes, Chinks, and everyone else that people "used" to like to make fun of.

Subject: RE: BS: Blonde Jokes
From: GUEST,Q
Date: 10 Apr 03 - 10:46 PM

Lovely story, P.J. My chuckle of the day.

Subject: RE: BS: Blonde Jokes
From: Amos
Date: 10 Apr 03 - 11:02 PM

Awww, pj, you're just a wonder!!! LOL all over my pore keyboard!!

So lemme get this straight -- he was right? The top was down?


I can't believe I am hearing this!!! RoTFLMAO!


A

Subject: RE: BS: Blonde Jokes
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 11 Apr 03 - 12:11 AM

p.j., that's priceless. Made it worthwhile to come back to check out the thread!

SRS (a blonde, by the way, in case SC didn't figure that out)

Subject: RE: BS: Blonde Jokes
From: Mark Clark
Date: 11 Apr 03 - 12:33 AM

A blonde, tired of being thought stupid and wanting some respect, had her hair color changed to brunette; hair, eyebrows, everything. Sure enough, she started getting more respect and decided to take a drive in the country to celebrate. Eventually, she came upon a farmer mending a fence near the road. In the pasture behind the farmer was a large flock of sheep. She stoped the car and walked over to talk with the farmer. “If I can guess how many sheep are in that flock over there, will you give me one?”, the girl asked. The farmer thought it a strange request but figured there was little chance she would guess correctly so he agreed. “Three hundred eighty-seven!” exclaimed the girl. The farmer's jaw dropped in amazement. “That's exactly right.” he said. “Go on over and pick out the one you want.” The girl was carrying the animal back to her car when the farmer looked up and called out to her, “Say, if I can guess your natural hair color, will you bring my dog back?”

      - Mark

Subject: RE: BS: Blonde Jokes
From: Cllr
Date: 11 Apr 03 - 05:25 AM

Spaw the blonde jokes you printed are what we call Essex girl jokes. the difference between Blonde jokes ans Essex girl jokes is that essex girl jokes are usually stupid and promisciously sexual in nature while blonde jokes are usually to do with just stupid behaviour.

as in

Q)Whats the difference between an essex girl and a washing machine?
A) you can dump your load in a washing machine and it won't follow you around for a week.

Subject: RE: BS: Blonde Jokes
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 11 Apr 03 - 06:26 AM

Three blondes were at University (don't ask how, this is just a joke!) and were given the task of measuring the height of the flagpole in the 'Quad'.
Out they went with a surveyor's tape measure, ladders, rope, etc., but couldn't manage the problem (they fell off the ladders, they couldn't get the tape up etc.,)
A passing engineering student watches all this then comes over and removes the top pin from the pole support, and lowers the flagpole to the ground. He quickly measures it using the tape, and re-erects the flagpole, handing the measurement to one of the blondes.
She turns to her friends and says:



"Typical engineer, we need the height, he measures the length!"

Nigel

Subject: RE: BS: Blonde Jokes
From: GUEST,Foe
Date: 11 Apr 03 - 08:52 AM

A blonde is walking along a river. See sees another blonde on the other bank and yells over. "Yoo-hoo. How do I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up and then down the river and then yells back. "You are on the other side!"

Subject: RE: BS: Blonde Jokes
From: PaulBobbyBuzz
Date: 11 Apr 03 - 01:38 PM

Ever notice...unless I'm mistaken, and for sure I don't have time to search through this thread to see if my assertion is right...
blond(e) jokes are actually blond(e) "women" jokes? So let's just call it what it is...misogyny. pbb

Subject: RE: BS: Blonde Jokes
From: Mark Clark
Date: 11 Apr 03 - 04:20 PM

Okay, then… let's ban all forms of humor that unfairly poke fun at another person or group.

      - Mark

Subject: RE: BS: Blonde Jokes
From: Blackcatter
Date: 11 Apr 03 - 06:08 PM

Agreed Mark.

I already do. If you want to poke fun at stupid people - say stupid people. Otherwise you've just "P.C.ed" your joke from the Ni**er jokes I grew up hearing.

Sure, I know people don't hate blondes like people can be racist, but face it, blondes are no dumber than any other hair color so stereotypes don't even make any sense. There are cultural norms that can be funny - without being insulting in general, but you're just making fun of blondes because it's "safe." Same thing with "rednecks."

I am blonde. I have a B.A., an M.A., own my own successful business and am well-known in my community as a historian who is regularly called on to lecture at the university and other groups, I've had articles published in magazines, I am a board member of my church, and have worked for local elections. Quit insulting me because I'm blonde. If you write me off as being too uptight, fine - that's your choice, but just because you don't think something is hurtful, doesn't mean that you're right.

Subject: RE: BS: Blonde Jokes
From: Cllr
Date: 12 Apr 03 - 12:47 PM

-I thought it was a jealousy thing cos'everyone knows blonds have more fun (Except possibly Blackcatter)

** runs and ducks **

Cllr

Subject: RE: BS: Blonde Jokes
From: The Walrus
Date: 12 Apr 03 - 04:19 PM

OK, if people are as worried about '-isms',

This Martian walks into a bar.....


Walrus

Subject: RE: BS: Blonde Jokes
From: Blackcatter
Date: 12 Apr 03 - 05:07 PM

Sounds good to me Walrus! What's the rest?

Subject: RE: BS: Blonde Jokes
From: Amos
Date: 12 Apr 03 - 05:53 PM

"...and says, 'Take me to your Leader.'."

(Gee it's funny already!)


A

Subject: RE: BS: Blonde Jokes
From: Bill D
Date: 12 Apr 03 - 06:13 PM

all negative stereotypes have 'some' foundation in reality, even though they are exaggerated and the source of the foundation is mis-understood by most joke tellers.

with blondes, we get a situation where many shallow, dumb, impressionable women buy into the idea that being 'blond' is the best way to impress and 'get'....and so we get LOTS cases of the saddest behavior being done by, and associated with blonds..(often EXTREME blonds with platinum-dyed locks that get attention if not respect)(Can you imagine Anna Nicole Smith getting her own TV program if she were not BOTH blond and _______?.) It is simply a hook to aid in the over-simplification which so many are drawn to. If a NON-blond does the same thing, you have to work to find another stereotyped category to fit her in, and it usually doesn't carry the same weight.

When I hear a 'blond' joke, I sort of mentally substitute 'shallow, inept, sad creature who doesn't even try to comprehend the way the world works'....(I never took Polack joes seriously either, though there were some very funny images in them)

Subject: RE: BS: Blonde Jokes
From: Cllr
Date: 12 Apr 03 - 06:35 PM

I just watched "legally blonde" again Excellent film
Incidentally did you hear about the blonde who walked into the bar and asked for a double entenre so the barman gave her one. Cllr

Subject: RE: BS: Blonde Jokes
From: GUEST
Date: 12 Apr 03 - 11:41 PM

Q. How do blondes get pregnant?

A. And you call them dumb!

Subject: RE: BS: Blonde Jokes
From: Ely
Date: 13 Apr 03 - 04:53 PM

We just substitute "Aggie" here in Texas (as in, a student of Texas A&M University).

Q: How many Aggies does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?

A: Six--one to read the recipe and five to shell the M&M's.


Q: Why was the lady Aggie's bellybutton bruised?

A: Her husband was an Aggie, too. (Yes, that one's crass but it evens the gender thing slightly)

Subject: RE: BS: Blonde Jokes
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 13 Apr 03 - 08:24 PM

A competition for women was announced, to swim the 'English Channel', using 'Breast stroke'.
There were only three women willing to take up the challenge, a brunette, a redhead, and a blond.
They all started together, and the race was on.
After 23 hours the brunette arrived in France to be greated by the race committee, given champagne, and told she was the winner.
Two hours fifteen minutes later, the redhead arrived, and was consoled because she had not won, but was still congratulated on a marvellous effort. Champgne was provided, and she was feted by local dignitories.
Another day passed.
After a total of three days and six hours the blond arrived at the beach, and drsgged herself from the water. Some of the committee were still available to welcome her, and gave her a drink and a warm blanket.
As feeling returned to the blond she spoke to the organising committee and said:
"I don't wish to appear a bad sport, but I think the others cheated, they used their arms!"

Subject: RE: BS: Blonde Jokes
From: GUEST,Rapaire
Date: 13 Apr 03 - 08:44 PM

I dunno, I'm blonde. And my whole family is blonde or started out that way. Does that mean that those who moved from blonde to brunette increased their intelligence as they grew older? Now my hair is going from blonde to white...am I growing less intelligent?

Mind you, we laugh at blonde jokes....

Subject: RE: BS: Blonde Jokes
From: mack/misophist
Date: 13 Apr 03 - 11:26 PM

The saddest 'blond joke' of all is that Jean Harlow died of the treatment that made her hair look like that.

Subject: RE: BS: Blonde Jokes
From: Terry K
Date: 14 Apr 03 - 04:43 AM

100,000 blondes attended the annual "Blondes Convention".

On the stage, the MC introduced a gorgeous blonde who would prove conclusively that blondes are not stupid, by answering a question.

He asked "what is 23 plus 12?". The blonde thought for a while and eventually answered "forty eight?".

"I'm sorry, that's incorrect".

100,000 blondes cried out "Give her another chance, give her another chance!"

So he asked another question - "what is 10 plus 13". Again she thought for a while and came up with "twenty nine?"

"I'm sorry, that's incorrect".

100,000 blondes cried out "Give her another chance, give her another chance!"

So he asked another question - "What is 1 plus 1". The blonde agonised over this for a while, then answered "two?"












100,000 blondes cried out "Give her another chance, give her another chance!"

Subject: RE: BS: Blonde Jokes
From: gnu
Date: 14 Apr 03 - 07:26 AM

Question: If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Subject: RE: BS: Blonde Jokes
From: Blackcatter
Date: 14 Apr 03 - 09:14 AM

Cause that's the way prostitution works Gnu!

Subject: RE: BS: Blonde Jokes
From: GUEST
Date: 14 Apr 03 - 10:49 AM

A blonde heard that a mbilk bath would be good for her skin so she called the dairy to order enough to fill her tub.

"Pasteurized?" asked the dairy guy.

"No, just up to my tits."




ddduuuhhh

Subject: RE: BS: Blonde Jokes
From: YOR
Date: 14 Apr 03 - 01:05 PM

So when Iraq comes out with it's new national anthem know one is going to know what it sounds like for 6 months because thier ears will still be ringing.

Oh, sorry I slipped a groove! I'm blonde.

What does a blonde say after sex?
A1: Are all you guys on the same team.
A2: Who cares.
A3: Just use some more from Spaw's list: Next., I'm sorry honey were you saying something.

What do you call a brunette in between two blondes?
An interpreter.

Subject: RE: BS: Blonde Jokes
From: GUEST,Clareling
Date: 14 Apr 03 - 05:13 PM

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb . . and I'm also not blonde. -Dolly Parton-

A young blonde was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day. Moving closer he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy".
The blonde nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the Captain.
"What are you doing here?" the Captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."
"He sure is, lady," the Captain said. "This is the Port Arkansas Ferry."

ONE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know; some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."

TWO
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this
person looks familiar."
The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

THREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it."
The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

FOUR
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."
A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"
The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

FIVE
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
"Is it mine?"

SIX
A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.
"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"
"Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was...."
"Uh, ma'am," the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."

SEVEN
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman.

What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever.

President Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar.
A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell sitting over there?"
The barman says, "Yep, that's them,".
So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?"
Bush says, "We're planning WW III ". And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Iraqis this time and one blonde with big breasts."
The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big breasts? Why kill a blonde with big breasts?
Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, "See, smart ass?! I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!"

A man met a beautiful blonde woman and he decided that he wanted to marry her right away.
She said, "But we don't know anything about each other."
He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along."
So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort. One morning they were laying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, followed by three rotations in a jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said, "That was incredible!"
He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."
So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about fifty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, hardly out of breath.
He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer? "
"No." she said, "I was a hooker in El Paso, Texas, and I worked both sides of the river.

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said,
"Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed,
"Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blonde opened his lunch and said, " Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, " If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, " I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.
"Hey, don't look at me," she said, " He makes his own lunch."

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."
Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry ... we can fly just fine on two engines."
An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don't worry ... we still have one engine left."
A young blonde passenger turned to the man in the next seat and remarked, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"

A blonde in her fourth freshman year at UCLA, sat in her U.S. Government Class, when the professor asked her if she knew what the Roe vs. Wade decision was.
She sat there for quite a while pondering this very profound question and finally sighed and said, "I think that is the decision George Washington made prior to crossing the Delaware!"

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town.
He's going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a large, blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says, "I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being?" The ventriloquist looks on in amazement.
"It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community," she continued, "and of reaching my full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large... all in the name of humor."
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize. The blonde interjects, "You stay out of this, mister, I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!"

A Blonde's Cooking Diary
MONDAY: It's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.
TUESDAY: Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Bob brought a friend home for supper.
WEDNESDAY: A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kinda of silly but I took a bath. I can't say it improved the rice any.
THURSDAY: Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Which is what led up to Bob asking me why I was rolling around in the garden.
FRIDAY: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put all ingredients in bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.
SATURDAY: Bob did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy). For some reason Bob keeps counting to ten.
SUNDAY: Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast. All I could find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for ROAST. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.
GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY: This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Bob. If we could just get a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with Chocolate Moose.

thats all i got...

Subject: RE: BS: Blonde Jokes
From: GUEST,Clareling
Date: 14 Apr 03 - 05:27 PM

BY THE WAY! For all of you who are against blond jokes becasue they are all against women, there is one in there against blond men, just trying to even the score a little.
The Clareling

Subject: RE: BS: Blonde Jokes
From: Sandy Creek
Date: 14 Apr 03 - 07:31 PM

Thanks to all Mudcatters for this funny/funny stuff. I will make sure to mention The Mudcat Cafe and forum in my articles. We just may attract some interesting new members. Hey! Don't stop, keep 'em coming.

Subject: RE: BS: Blonde Jokes
From: vectis
Date: 14 Apr 03 - 08:16 PM

What's the difference between a blond and an ironing board?
You can close the legs on an ironing board.

Subject: RE: BS: Blonde Jokes
From: GUEST,leeneia
Date: 14 Apr 03 - 10:37 PM

Vectis, there is a difference between teasing and nastiness.

Subject: RE: BS: Blonde Jokes
From: Blackcatter
Date: 14 Apr 03 - 11:21 PM

What's the difference between blonds and GUEST,Clareling? Nearly all blondes can count past 7.

What's ANOTHER difference between blonds and GUEST,Clareling? Blondes know that a ratio of 16 to 1 isn't remotely even.

Wonder where I'm getting this? Check out GUEST,Clareling's 14 Apr 03 - 05:13 post and 14 Apr 03 - 05:27 PM


Now that's funny!

Subject: RE: BS: Blonde Jokes
From: GUEST,Clareling
Date: 14 Apr 03 - 11:50 PM

I didn't make em up.
One is better than none.
And, if ya dont like them, ya dont have to read them.

Subject: RE: BS: Blonde Jokes
From: Gareth
Date: 15 Apr 03 - 06:28 AM

Here in South Wales they are known as "Merthyr Girl" jokes.

Gareth

Subject: RE: BS: Blonde Jokes
From: Blackcatter
Date: 15 Apr 03 - 06:55 AM

"I didn't make em up."    Is this an excuse? Sort of like "I was just following orders?"

"One is better than none."    I beg to differ - offering a joke to show that blonde men are just as stupid as blonde women is not "better"

"And, if ya dont like them, ya dont have to read them."    True - now how about the blonde jokes I hear told in the workplace? Should I just walk around going, "Lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala?"

Subject: RE: BS: Blonde Jokes
From: GUEST
Date: 15 Apr 03 - 07:21 AM

Q. How does an Essex girl practise safe sex?

A. She puts the handbrake on.

Subject: RE: BS: Blonde Jokes
From: GUEST
Date: 15 Apr 03 - 07:58 AM

Blackcatter,
You may have a BA and a MA and run your own business but you seem to have had a sense of humour by-pass. Calm down a touch.

Subject: RE: BS: Blonde Jokes
From: GUEST
Date: 15 Apr 03 - 04:59 PM

Well, lets just complain about it. Why don't we sue sombody while were at it?