 sj |
||
|
||
BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG*
|
|
|
Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: thosp Date: 20 Feb 00 - 04:47 PM who needs a sense of humor anyway? --- it only makes you laugh at things! peace (Y) thosp |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: Liz the Squeak Date: 20 Feb 00 - 05:50 PM If you want revenge, publish an ad in your local paper, saying 'Drummer wanted for band, call any time, day or night' and put his/her phone number on it. Guaranteed to have maximum response for minimum output...... LTS, not that I've ever tried it.....
|
|
Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: MAG (inactive) Date: 21 Feb 00 - 11:39 PM I've mentioned this before, but Rosten's Joys of Yiddish gave me my first belly laugh after a really bad patch; it came to my attention through S Wade's show Banjo Dancing. My edition has an anecdote about the play, "The Dybbuk," which is the one that did it for me, but I note the Library's edition does not have it. Too bad.
|
|
Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: wysiwyg Date: 21 Feb 00 - 11:45 PM Well, you can always click here... |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: Troll Date: 22 Feb 00 - 12:01 AM And then theres the one about the Indian chief who had to sit in the hotel lobby because he didn't have a reservation. (and it only gets worse) Drunk walks into a bar. 'bartender. If I can show you something you've never seen will you give me a drink?" "sure" says the barkeep and with that the man pulls a tiny piano out of one pocket and a mouse out of another. The mouse sits down at the piano and starts to play and it is very evident that he can REALLY play piano."Thats incredable!" sez the barkeep. "You ain't seen nothing." sez the drunk. From another pocket he takes a frog who begins to sing. Jazz, soul, rock, funk, the frog does it all."Good for another drink/" sez the drunk and the drink is forthcoming. Another man has been watching all this in amazment and comes over."I'm a T.V. producer and I'll give you $50,000 for the pair." "Aw" sez the drunk,"I couldn't do that. I mean I've had em a long time." But the man insists and finally the drunk agrees to sell the frog for $50,000. The man pays him and walks out with his prizeand the barkeep sez"Man, are you nuts? Breaking up an act like that?" The drunk grins."He didn't get such a good deal. You see, the mouse is a ventriloquist!" troll(who warned you) |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: katlaughing Date: 22 Feb 00 - 12:37 AM A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the >> answer to "Where do pets come from?" >> >> Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me every >> day. >> >> Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here & it is difficult >> for me to remember how much you love me." >> >> And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that >> will be with you forever & who will be a reflection of my love for >> you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless >> of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion >> will accept you as you are & will love you as I do, in spite of >> yourself." >> >> And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a >> good animal. And God was pleased. >> >> And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam & he wagged his tail. >> And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the >> Kingdom & I cannot think of a name for this new animal." >> >> And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to >> be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of >> my own name, and you will call him DOG." >> >> And Dog lived with Adam & was a companion to him & loved him. >> And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content & >> wagged his tail. >> >> After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to >> the Lord & said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts & >> preens like a peacock & he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog >> has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well." >> >> And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion >> who will be with him forever & who will see him as he is.The companion >> will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not >> always worthy of adoration." >> >> And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey >> Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he >> was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility. And God was >> pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Dog was happy. >> >> And the Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other. > |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: GUEST Date: 22 Feb 00 - 03:14 AM Abby, Thanks for the Powerpoint file. I'm a bit worried now because I feel like the stressed cat on the first page, and maybe I look like that too. The cutesy pictures clash rather nicely with the sayings too. Okay, next joke: Stop me if I've told you this one before. (Ha ha, I'm unstoppable *BG* Three pieces of string go into a bar and sit down at one of the tables. They argue among themselves about who is going to go to the bar to order the drinks, because they're pretty sure the publican doesn't serve alcohol to pieces of string. So the first one goes up to the barman & says, really confidently, "Three beers thanks, mate!" The barman says, "Sorry I don't serve pieces of string. Go somewhere else." So the first one goes back to his mates and says, "Come on, let's go somewhere else. He's not going to serve us." But the second one says he'll give it a go, so he goes up to the bar and orders three beers but the barman says "Look, I already told your friend, I don't serve pieces of string here, now clear off!" So the second one goes back to the table and says, "Let's get out of here. He won't serve us." But the third one says, "Hang on a minute, I've got an idea." He stands up, ties himself in a knot, musses his hair up a little bit and goes to the bar. "Three beers thanks, mate!" The barman looks at him suspiciously and says, "Wait a minute, aren't you a piece of string?" And the third guy says, "No, I'm afraid not!"
Sorry, sorry - just keep working at it and you'll get it if enlightenment eludes you. Saying it aloud helps. Helen |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: GUEST,Seamus Kennedy Date: 22 Feb 00 - 03:30 AM Dave The A.M. says his wife is a perfect angel. He's lucky - mine is still alive. My friend Murphy went to vist his old granny in the nursing home. All the while he's visiting, he's eating peanuts from a bowl on her nightstand, until without realizing it, he's eaten them all. As he's about to leave, he says, "granny, I'm sorry I've eaten all your peanuts, but don't worry, I'll bring some more tomorrow." She says, "You don't have to do that. I just suck the chocolate off them, anyway." So Murphy goes into the next room to visit his 95 year old granddad. As he enters the room, the nurse is putting the old guy down for the night. She says, "Come on Grandpa Murphy, it's bedtime. That means it's time for your hot chocolate and Viagra." Murphy takes the nurse aside and says, "What's this about hot chocolate and Viagra?" She says, "Oh, it's wonderful. The hot chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra keeps him from rolling out of bed." All the best, Helen. |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: GUEST,Helen Date: 22 Feb 00 - 04:09 AM Looks like I've disappeared and my body has been taken over by a Guest. This is what happens when your computer systems engineer hubby decides to tinker with your computer. Oh well, can't complain - he's upgrading the motherboard (mummyboard? parentboard?) etc Helen |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: kendall Date: 22 Feb 00 - 08:30 AM Had a guy back home was so numb, he didnt know he had diarrhea 'til he took the bicycle clip off his pant leg. |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: Amos Date: 22 Feb 00 - 08:48 AM Then there was the guy who was half Italian, and half (fill in despised nationality here)...he made himself an offer he couldn't understand. |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: Troll Date: 22 Feb 00 - 08:59 AM Sounds like my hometown. I mean it was so small, we had to take turns being the town drunk.<<< The bookmobile was a radio flyer wagon with a couple of old Colliers magazines in it.<<< The population in my hometown never changed. Every time a baby was born, someone left town.<< |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: annamill Date: 22 Feb 00 - 01:09 PM Helen, have you considered getting another job??? A guy sticks his head in a barber shop and hollors "Bob Peters here?" "No", says the barber. "Only haircuts and shaves!". I think only older Mudcats will get that one. Love, annap |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: GUEST, Blackcat2 (at another Mac) Date: 22 Feb 00 - 01:21 PM They found another use for Viagra - in nursing homes they give it to male patients at night to keep them from rolling out of bed. Why is divorce so expensive? It's worth it! |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: Lonesome EJ Date: 22 Feb 00 - 01:25 PM Woman walks into an office and says to the business man behind the desk, "Howdy! I seen your sign in the winder sayin' you was a-lookin' for a secretary, so's I thought I'd apply." "How's your typing?" replies the businessman. "I'm purty accurate, but not very fast," she says. " You're not a "hunt and peck-er" are you?" he says. "No!" she replies, blushing," I done told you I'm a-lookin' for a job!" |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: Molly Malone Date: 22 Feb 00 - 01:27 PM The final verse to MAIDS WHEN YOU'RE YOUNG NEVER WED AN OLD MAN I say give 'em Viagra Fi Diddle di agra Give 'am viagra fi Diddle ie ay I say give 'em Viagra And he'll be all UP AND ATTUM' And all the young maids Will want to bed that old man. And they'll get their fallorum Fi diddle di or um They'll get their fallorum Fi diddle di ay They'll get they're fallorum And the girls won't ignore 'em And all the young maids Will bed that old man. |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: kendall Date: 22 Feb 00 - 01:32 PM Hey Troll, did you buy my book or my album? Some of that stuff sounds familiar.... the high school I attended was so poor we used the same car for drivers ed and sex ed.. |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: Bill D Date: 22 Feb 00 - 02:58 PM back up there..^...Praise posted a link for snake limbo jokes & puns...turns out it is a part of a Regional Humor Web Ring including a site especially devoted to Maine
|
|
Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: Mary in Kentucky Date: 22 Feb 00 - 03:29 PM Helen, My unofficial survey indicates that people over 50 love this joke, and those under 50 hate it. I personally love it. ...in a bar, in Chicago...two guys are talking...
1st: You look familiar. Third guy enters the bar and says to bartender, "Anything happening today?" Bartender says, "Nah, not much, just the Murphy twins drunk again." |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: wysiwyg Date: 22 Feb 00 - 03:35 PM ANNAP, Newbie got it. Bob Peters was a 'Catter, right? The 'Cat name for some Wayne guy? |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: Molly Malone Date: 22 Feb 00 - 03:40 PM How do you get an elephant into a Safeway bag? Take the s out of safe and the f out of way. If you don't get it, tell it to someone close by. Then you will.
|
|
Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: annamill Date: 22 Feb 00 - 03:53 PM Praise, had nothin' to do with being a Mudcatter, just being old ;-) We oldies remember "bobbing our hair" meaning to cut it shorter. Get it now? Love, annap |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: Molly Malone Date: 22 Feb 00 - 04:11 PM Annap, I got it right off the bat...am I that old already? Crikey! |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: sophocleese Date: 22 Feb 00 - 04:23 PM Hey I'm younger than 50 and I got it. I gotta stop hanging out with old fogeys. |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: kendall Date: 22 Feb 00 - 04:24 PM If you want REAL Maine humor, go to www.mainehumor.com |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: GUEST,Helen Date: 22 Feb 00 - 05:18 PM I kind of get the idea for LEJ's hunt & pecker joke, but I'm still working on the safeway joke from Molly Malone. Annap, On the Oz national news this morning there was a story about a man from near Newcastle, where I live, who got into a fight last night and got his "Peter" cut off. Rushed to a Sydney (state capital, 100 miles south) hospital for emergency surgery - so a very timely joke. Also, Annap, I am working my butt off looking for another job, but they aren't so easy to find. I'll do it though, soon, I'm determined. We've got a mediation session booked on Friday morning with the local Community Justice Centre so we'll see what outcomes (probably not much change) we get out of that. That's only to give me some breathing space to find another job, though. At least the HR Manager stopped him from readvertising my job just after Christmas. Helen
|
|
Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: GUEST,Helen Date: 22 Feb 00 - 05:19 PM I kind of get the idea for LEJ's hunt & pecker joke, but I'm still working on the safeway joke from Molly Malone. Annap, On the Oz national news this morning there was a story about a man from near Newcastle, where I live, who got into a fight last night and got his "Peter" cut off. Rushed to a Sydney (state capital, 100 miles south) hospital for emergency surgery - so a very timely joke. Also, Annap, I am working my butt off looking for another job, but they aren't so easy to find. I'll do it though, soon, I'm determined. We've got a mediation session booked on Friday morning with the local Community Justice Centre so we'll see what outcomes (probably not much change) we get out of that. That's only to give me some breathing space to find another job, though. At least the HR Manager stopped him from readvertising my job just after Christmas. Helen
|
|
Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: GUEST,Jim Dixon Date: 22 Feb 00 - 05:34 PM Pinocchio goes to visit Gepetto. "I've got a problem," he says. "My girlfriend has been complaining that whenever we make love, she gets splinters." Gepetto answers, "That's my fault. I must have neglected that part of your anatomy. But the solution is simple. Just take this piece of sandpaper and sand yourself down until you're nice and smooth, then try it again." A week later, Gepetto runs into Pinocchio on the street. "Hey, Pinocchio," he says, "how's your girlfriend?" "Girlfriend?" says Pinocchio. "Who needs a girlfriend?" |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: sophocleese Date: 22 Feb 00 - 05:36 PM Well today as we walked to the Doctor's office my five year old proudly announced that she knew what 'public' meant. "What does it mean dear?" "No smoking!" Right on, love. |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: Amos Date: 22 Feb 00 - 05:49 PM "How do you get an elepahnt into a Safeway bag" "I dunno" "First you take the 'S' out of 'Safe'" "Umm, okay..." "Then you take the 'F' out of 'way..." "Ummm...wait...hey! There is no eff in Way" "Right." Then you roll around on the floor simpering like a mad thing... |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: Bill D Date: 22 Feb 00 - 05:59 PM "this piece of sandpaper " *grin*...as a woodworker, I see this 1200 grit wet-or-dry paper with oil on it....
reminds me.. |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: Gary T Date: 22 Feb 00 - 06:34 PM Oh, limericks, eh? There once was a poet named Knight Whose limericks were never quite right They really were fine Until the fifth line Then he always managed to bollix them up somehowAdam was walking around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked him, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. He said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you and when you discover clothing she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it". Adam asked God, " What will a woman like this cost?" God replied, "An arm and a leg." Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?" |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: Mary in Kentucky Date: 22 Feb 00 - 07:49 PM Thanks Amos. Many of us would not admit that we "just didn't get it!" |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: wysiwyg Date: 22 Feb 00 - 08:18 PM annap, You mean Bob Peters ISN'T taken yet as a Cat name? You mean people really TALK about that sort of THING here? I never! |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: Troll Date: 22 Feb 00 - 10:18 PM There once was a poet named Mc Nameter Whose mistress kept calling him amature. Said she"Your technique Is too rough and antique, And your rhythm's iambic pentameter. troll ( who can sing limericks for hours) |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: hrafn Date: 22 Feb 00 - 10:36 PM Hi Helen, This is a mad Cornishman from Ireland. Confused, well that makes to of us. So, you lost your sense of humour, happens to the worst of us. Anyway I thought I'd tell you about a friend of mine called Denzil Pen-Burthie who walked into the pub the other week with a lump of dog shit in his hand and said to me "look what I nearly trod in!!!!!!!!!" But you'll have to excuse old Denzil as he's a six pack short of a can (yes he is that thick). Anyway you keep you chin up my lover and I'll speak to you soon (oh god no she says hehehehehehe) |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: GUEST,Guest-Meadow Muskrat Date: 22 Feb 00 - 11:54 PM Did you hear about the dyslexic,agnostic insomniac? He stayed up all night wondering about the existence of dog. |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: wysiwyg Date: 23 Feb 00 - 01:36 AM Dylsexics Untie! |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: GUEST,art Date: 23 Feb 00 - 04:00 AM did you know that DNA stands for the national dyslexic association |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: Molly Malone Date: 23 Feb 00 - 11:21 AM There once was a young lass from Whimbly, Reproached for not acting more primly. She said, "Heavens above, I know sex isn't love But it's such an attractive facsimile." |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: Skipjack K8 Date: 23 Feb 00 - 11:34 AM That's the trouble with Irish Boomerangs; they don't come back, but keep singing songs 'bout how much they want to. And how many Spaniards does it take to change a lightbulb? Juan! Fella comes home unexpectedly, finds wife naked in bed in the middle of the afternoon, knows whats up, strides across the bedroom and throws open the bathroom door. There's this naked man standing on the khazi with his hands cupped against the wall. Husband "What's your game ,mate?" Lover "Good afternoon, sir. I'm from the council pest control department. You wife reported a moth infestation, and I'm just dealing with the last one now" Husband "But your naked, man!" Lover, looking down "The little bastards!" Skipjack |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: wysiwyg Date: 23 Feb 00 - 12:00 PM to follow kat's lead: (This is one ideal not masquerading as one reality) When God Made Moms (God Bless The Women I Know) By the time the Lord made mothers, he was into his sixth day of working overtime. An Angel appeared and said, "Why are you spending so much time on this one"? And the Lord answered and said, "Have you seen the spec sheet on her? She has to be completely washable, but not plastic, have 200 movable parts, all replaceable, run on black coffee and leftovers, have a lap that can hold three children at one time and that disappears when she stands up, have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart, and have six pairs of hands." The Angel was astounded at the requirements for this one. "Six pairs of hands! No Way!" said the Angel. The Lord replied, "Oh, it's not the hands that are the problem. It's the three pairs of eyes that mothers must have!" "And that's just on the standard model?" the Angel asked. The Lord nodded in agreement, "Yep, one pair of eyes are to see through the closed door as she asks her children what they are doing even though she already knows. Another pair, in the back of her head, are to see what she needs to know even though no one thinks she can. And the third pair are here in the front of her head. They are for looking at an errant child and saying that she understands and loves him or her without even saying a single word." The Angel tried to stop the Lord. "This is too much work for one day. Wait until tomorrow to finish." "But I can't, " the Lord protested, "I am so close to finishing this creation that is so close to my own heart. She already heals herself when she is sick AND can feed a family of six on a pound of hamburger and can get a nine year old to stand in the shower." The Angel moved closer and touched the woman. "But you have made her so soft, Lord." "She is soft," the Lord agreed, "but I have also made her tough. You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish." "Will she be able to think?" asked theAngel. The Lord replied, "Not only will she be able to think, she will be able to reason, and negotiate." The Angel then noticed something and reached out and touched the woman's cheek. "Oops, it looks like you have a leak with this model. I told you that you were trying to put too much into this one." The Lord replied, "That's not a leak. That's a tear!" "What's the tear for?" the Angel asked. The Lord said, "The tear is her way of expressing her joy, her sorrow, her disappointment, her pain, her loneliness, her grief, and her pride." The Angel was impressed. "You are a genius, Lord. You thought of everything, for WOMAN is truly amazing!"
|
|
Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: Troll Date: 23 Feb 00 - 12:29 PM When the Lord created earth, it wasn't all easy going! HE came walking past Gabriel. "Hows the project going?" "Oh, pretty well. I just divided the time into two periods of dark and light" "Impressive" said Gabriel, " What are you going to do now." "Oh" said God, "I think I'll call it a day." troll |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: kendall Date: 23 Feb 00 - 01:26 PM ok Troll lets have a limerick festival. ( by the way, I dont have a book of them, strictly memory)
A mathmatician named Hall |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: annamill Date: 23 Feb 00 - 01:34 PM Kendall, you cannot say fuck on Mudcat!! You must say f**k! There was a young woman from Nices (pronounced Nizez) with breasts of two different sizes. One was small, nothing at all. The other was large and won prizes. I have no idea where Nices isis! Love, annap |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: Amos Date: 23 Feb 00 - 01:38 PM A profligate fairy named Broome Had a lesbian up to his room And they argued all night About who had the right To do what, and with which, and to whom! A |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: Bert Date: 23 Feb 00 - 01:48 PM Annap, the woman came from here Bert |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: wysiwyg Date: 23 Feb 00 - 01:53 PM Oh all right. If this has ever been posted I guess it won't hurt to post it again, apparently it falls to me. I am missing one line, I hope someone will supply it... According to brassiere salespeople, there are only these following sizes in nature: Sub-nubbins Nubbins Droopers Bloopers and Super-Bloopers. Let's go now. |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: Troll Date: 23 Feb 00 - 02:04 PM A limericks a poem economical, Whose subject's sometimes anatomical But the good ones I've seen, So seldom are clean, And the clean ones so seldom are comical. With that said... In London a newsboy named Grimes, Led girls on to infamous crimes. "I deliver" he'd boast, "Two Globes and a Post, And goodness knows how many times." To his friends said the maitre'd hotel, My guests can all go to hell. What they do to my wife Is the curse of my life, And the worst is, they do it so well! troll
|
|
Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: annamill Date: 23 Feb 00 - 02:09 PM Thank you Bert. I try again. There was a young woman from Devizes with breasts of two different sizes. One was small, nothing at all. The other was large and won prizes. When left to my own Devizes I will misname. This IS better. Love, annap
|