BS: First Joke Thread of 2012

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 24 Apr 12 - 06:51 PM

A man stops moving in the middle of intercourse and lies absolutely still.
His girlfriend asks, "What are you doing?"
He says, "I've seen this on porn web sites. It's called 'buffering.' "

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: MudGuard
Date: 25 Apr 12 - 02:14 AM

"The first man to orbit the earth was from Ohio. "

I didn't know the Sovjet Union was part of Ohio. My geography teachers claimed the SU was a sovereign state - they must have lied to me.

Or did I overlook someone orbiting the earth before Yuri Gagarin did it?

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 25 Apr 12 - 11:40 AM

"Character Witness"

A young biker was called into court for destroying
a tavern in a brawl. He appeared before the judge
and said, "Your Honor, I am not guilty-my reputation
is spotless."

Unimpressed, the judge said, "Do you have any
witnesses who can vouch for your character?"

The young man pointed to a man in the corner.
"Sure, the sheriff over there."

Taken by surprise, the sheriff stood up and declared,
"Your Honor, this man is a liar. I have never seen him
before in my life!"

The young man turned to the judge and said, "See?
I have lived here for 15 years and the sheriff doesn't
know me, ain't that character reference enough,
your Honor?"


----------


"The Siamese Twins"

Siamese twins walk into a pub in Ontario and
park themselves on a bar stool.

One of them says to the innkeeper, "Don't mind
us, we're joined at the hip. I'm Joe, he's Jim, we'll
have two Molson Canadian beers, draft please."

The innkeeper, feeling slightly awkward, tries to
make polite conversation while pouring the beers.

"Been on holiday yet, boys?"

"Off to England next month," says Joe. "We go to
England every year and hire a car and drive for
miles, don't we, Jim?"

Jim agrees.

"Ah, England," says the innkeeper. "Wonderful country...
the history, the beer, the culture..."

"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says Joe.
"Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim?
And we can't stand the English - they're arrogant
and rude.'

"So why keep going to England?" asks the innkeeper.

Joe replies, "It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 28 Apr 12 - 09:06 AM

"A Line of Valedictorians"

At the beginning of the school year, one
seventh grader was reflecting on his chance
at being the 8th grade valedictorian.

He said his dad was valedictorian, his mom
was valedictorian, and his sister was also
valedictorian. He paused, leaned back in
his chair and said,

"Looks like the end of an era!"

-------------

"The Old School House"

The board of education in a nearby town sold
off a building that had been a one-room
schoolhouse. The buyer converted it to a tavern.

One day an elderly man was walking by the
place with his grandson and pointed to the
building. "That's where I went to school when
I was your age."

"Really," said the boy. "Who was your bartender
back then?"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 01 May 12 - 04:36 AM

Another one for the Seniors:
Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Asda, just couldn't seem to get to work on time.Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.One day the boss called him into the office for a talk."Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job when you finally get here; but your being late so often is quite bothersome.""Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it.""Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear.""Yes sir, I understand your concern and I'll try harder."Seeming puzzled, the manager went on to comment, "It's odd though your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say to you there if you showed up in the morning so late and so often?"The old man looked down at the floor, then smiled.He chuckled quietly, then said with a grin, "They usually saluted and said, 'Good morning, Admiral, can I get your coffee, Sir ?'"   

RtS

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: GUEST,999
Date: 01 May 12 - 11:40 AM

Anything with tits or tires is gonna give you trouble down the road.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: GUEST,guest frank
Date: 02 May 12 - 04:41 AM

Anything with tits or tires is gonna give you trouble down the road.

AND it's going to cost you money!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: frogprince
Date: 02 May 12 - 10:43 AM

Guess I'd better get rid of my cow and my little radio flyer wagon...

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 06 May 12 - 02:45 PM

What do you call an armless and legless man who swims The Channel?








Clever Dick

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Joe_F
Date: 06 May 12 - 08:25 PM

"No, no, nurse! I said to *prick* his *boil*."

*

"Doctor, what shall I do with these rectal thermometers?"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Michael
Date: 07 May 12 - 03:04 PM

"No, no, nurse! I said 'Remove his spectacles'."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: GUEST,999
Date: 08 May 12 - 07:04 AM

A guy calls into work, sick.

His boss answers and asks, "Just how sick are you?"

Fellow replies, "Well, I'm fucking my cat. You figure it out!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: GUEST,Guesty
Date: 08 May 12 - 09:18 AM

I spent the night in my Japanese campervan, but didn't get a wink of sleep. It's a Nissan Dormobile.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 08 May 12 - 09:43 AM

"Hello. Bill Smith is not well enough to come to school today."

"Ah. Who is that speaking, please?"

"This is my father, Sir."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 09 May 12 - 01:30 PM

"Menu Choice on a Date"

On a date, a farm girl was studying the menu in
the restaurant.

She asked her date, "What's filet mignon?"

Thinking fast, her date replied, "It's year-
old pickled goat's liver. Why?"


------


"High Stakes"

Algernon was feeling ill at work, and left after
lunch to go home. He walked into the house and
found his wife Judi in the arms of another man.
He started to yell at the interloper, "What right
have you got to be making love to my wife?"

The man answered calmly, "You may as well know
that I am in love with Judi and I would like to marry
her. I understand you're a gambler. Why don't you
be a good sport and sit down and play a game of
gin rummy with me? If I lose, I'll never see her again;
if you lose, you must agree to divorce her. Okay?"

"Okay," replied Algernon, "but just to make it a
little more interesting, why don't we play for a
dollar a point?"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 14 May 12 - 10:20 AM

"Testing of Job"

One of the mysteries of the Bible is God's
testing of Job. He took everything away
from the poor guy but his wife. For years,
scholars have debated why.

Seems to me it's actually rather simple.

After God finished the testing of Job, He
returned twice what He had taken away.
If He had taken Job's wife, that means
God would've had to give him back two wives.

Surely, not even God would have inflicted such
a severe penalty on Job after all he'd been
through.

--------------------

"Name Game"

I was shopping in a department store with my
four-year-old grandson. I promised him that we
would go to the toy department, but I stopped
in the ladies' clothing department first.

It seems that he couldn't wait that long: one
second he was holding onto my pant skirt and
the next, he had vanished. I panicked and
looked everywhere, but I couldn't find him.

I went to the customer service desk to have
them announce his name over the P.A. system,
and to my relief he was already there waiting
for me. The woman at the desk told me that
my grandson had asked them to call me over
the P.A., but he didn't know my name, except
"Grandma".

So they asked him what his dad, my son,
called me. He answered "Mom." Then they
asked what his grandpa, my husband, called
me. "Sugar," he replied.

So then they asked what his mommy (my
daughter-in-law) called me. Very clearly, he
said, "The Bitch."

On the way home, we practiced my "real"
name until I was confident that he would
use it the next time!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 16 May 12 - 09:08 AM

"Golf Balls"

The mistress of an English Tudor country house
had just hired a new house maid, an Irish lass,
straight from a farm.

The first day she was dusting in the Smoking Room
where the Master of the house sat reading. On the
mantel she saw a small bowl containing a
couple of round white balls. She, being curious and
not bashful, asked, "What are these?"

He looked up, saw where she was pointing, and
answered, "Golf balls."

She said, "Oh!" and went on dusting.

A few days later, she was dusting again in the same
room, where the master was again reading. Again,
in the same bowl were white balls, only now there
were four of them.

She said, "Oh. I see you shot another Golf."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Joe_F
Date: 16 May 12 - 01:41 PM

Likewise, "I didn't know moths had balls" used to be a common naughty remark.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: breezy
Date: 16 May 12 - 03:22 PM

Didnt know they danced

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 16 May 12 - 05:13 PM

A young lad got a job valeting high class cars and one of his first jobs was on a Rolls. Under the driver's seat he found a golf tee which he handed back to the owner, explaining that he didn't know what it was but he thought that it might be important. The owner explained:      
       "I rest my balls on that before I drive off"
Amazed, the young lad replied:
       "Wow, Rolls-Royce think of everything"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 16 May 12 - 05:16 PM

Why do policemen have bigger balls than firemen?



















Because they sell more tickets.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Joe_F
Date: 17 May 12 - 03:08 PM

I have heard tell of a sports reporter who described a baseball player with a cold as "blowing his nose between every ball" & saw it in print corrected by a copyeditor to read "blowing his nose between the balls".

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 17 May 12 - 07:50 PM

Here's a story I once heard which was supposed to have really happened but I suspect it was a joke that that turned into an urban legend:

During a slow period in a baseball game, the TV cameras would sometimes focus on interesting people in the stands.

One time the camera caught, and lingered on, a couple who were getting rather romantic.

The announcers, watching on their monitors, couldn't resist commenting.

One of them said, "Hey, looks like those guys have an interesting game going on."

The other ad-libbed: "Yeah, he kisses her on the strikes, and she kisses him on the balls."

Supposedly, when they realized what had been said, they both convulsed with laughter and were unable to talk for several minutes.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 21 May 12 - 09:39 AM

"Make it Fast!"

A cowboy runs into a bar and says to the
bartender, "Give me twenty shots of your
best scotch, and make it quick!"

The bartender pours out the shots, and
the cowboy drinks them as fast as he can.

The bartender remarks, "I've never seen
anybody drink that fast!"

The cowboy replies, "Well, you'd drink
that fast too if you had what I have."

"What's that?" asks the bartender.

"Only fifty cents!"

------


"Dance Fever"

Johnny went to his first school dance. He
didn't know if he would ever get up the nerve
to ask a girl out to dance.

As the night went on everybody was dancing
except. He just sat in the corner
looking at everyone having fun.

Finally as the last song started to play Johnny
spotted two very cute girls across the
room sitting at their table. He walked over and
asked one if she would like to dance.

She looked him up and down and said, "I am sorry
but I am very particular who I dance with."

Johnny shot back, "You can damn well see
that I'm not!"

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: framus
Date: 21 May 12 - 06:38 PM

Weeping child presents himself at the Customer Care counter in a big store.
"I've lost my Mum" he wailed.
"Oh!" said the concerned lady, "What's she like?"
After a little thought he replies "Vodka and big dicks."

******************

TRUE story like the baseball one above.
During a lull in proceedings at a cricket match, the commentator helpfully advised his listeners, "And the batsman's Holding, the bowler's Willie."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 22 May 12 - 04:11 PM

"New Job"

A salesman, tired of his job, gave it up to become
a policeman. Several months later, a friend asked
him how he liked his new role.

"Well," he replied, "the pay is good and the hours
aren't bad, but what I like best is that the customer
is always wrong."


-------

"Judge Not"

An eminent forensic psychiatrist was called to
testify in court. A severe no nonsense professional,
she sat down in the witness chair unaware that its
rear legs were set precariously on the back of the
raised platform.

"Will you state your name?" asked the district
attorney.

Tilting back in her chair, she opened her mouth
to answer but instead catapulted head-over-heels
backward and landed in a stack of exhibits and
recording equipment.

Everyone watched in stunned silence as she
extricated herself, rearranged her disheveled dress
and hair and reseated herself on the witness stand.
The glare she directed at onlookers dared anyone
to so much as smirk.

"Well, Doctor," continued the district attorney
without changing expression, "perhaps if we
started with an easier question ..."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 25 May 12 - 09:02 AM

"Definitions"

ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and
is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born
and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

GOSSIP:
A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will
do more damage.

HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.

INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MYTH:
A female moth.

MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES:
Something other people have. You have character
lines.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 29 May 12 - 09:42 AM

Cell Phone Etiquette

After a very busy day, Peggy settled down in her seat and closed her eyes as the train departed Manhattan for the 'burbs.

As the train rolled out of the station, one last passenger jumped on the train and got the last seat--right next to Peggy.

Naturally, he pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice.

"Hi sweetheart, it's Eric! ... I'm on the train — Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting ... No, honey, not with that floozie from the accounts office; it was with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life-- Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart," etc., etc.

It was nauseating. And no matter how much Peggy glared at him, cleared her throat, or otherwise tried to express her disapproval over his rudeness, he completely ignored her.

Fifteen minutes later, she got an idea. She leaned in close to him and said in her most sensual, pouty voice aimed right at his phone:

"Hey, Eric, sweetie! Turn off that stupid phone and come back to bed!"

Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 04 Jun 12 - 09:56 AM

HOW DO YOU FIND THE RIGHT PERSON TO MARRY?

(Real answers written by grade-school kids.)

-You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

-No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10


2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10


3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8


4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8


5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
-Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8
(Isn't she a treasure?)

-On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10


6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
-When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7

-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
-- Curt, age 7

-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8


7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (Bless you, child!)


8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8


And the #1 Favorite is .......


9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.

-- Ricky, age 10

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: gnu
Date: 05 Jun 12 - 03:19 PM

Sorry if this is a repeat...

In church I heard a lady in the pew next to me saying a prayer.

It was so sweet and sincere that I just had to share with you:

Dear Lord,

This has been a tough two or three years ...

You have taken my favorite actor Patrick Swayze.

My favourite musician Michael Jackson.

My favourite salesman Billy Mays.

My favourite actress Elizabeth Taylor.

And now my favourite singer Whitney Houston.

I just wanted you to know that my favourite politician is Stephen Harper.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: HuwG
Date: 13 Jun 12 - 05:47 PM

Manchester Airport Security has just published its statistics for the last twelve months:

Terrorists discovered : 0
Transvestites : 133
Hernias : 1,485
Haemorrhoids : 3,172
Enlarged Prostates : 1,327
Breast Implants : 59,350
Natural Blondes : 3

It was also revealed that the 131 male Members of Parliament who passed through the airport scanners had no balls.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: frogprince
Date: 18 Jun 12 - 11:46 PM

The young blond woman had been married a while, and hoping to start a family. So she happily phoned a friend one morning and announced,"I just found out that I'm pregnant, and I'm having twins!". Her friend replied, "But how did you find out that it's twins so early?" The blond replied, "The pregnancy tests come in a package of two, and both of them read positive!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Peter the Squeezer
Date: 25 Jun 12 - 06:49 PM

I found this in some old papers of my Mother's.


The Gift


A young man wanted to purchase a Christmas gift for his new sweetheart as they had not been dating for very long. After careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike just the right note – romantic, but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to a department store, and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased pair of panties for herself.

During the gift wrapping, the shop assistant mixed up the items. The sister got the gloves, and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package, and sent it to his sweetheart along with this note.


"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones which are easier to remove.

"They are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks, and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me, and they looked really smart.

"I wish I could be there to put them on you for the first time, as no doubt other hands will come into contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow into them before putting them away, as they will be a little damp from wearing.

"Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.

All my love

PS – The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 02 Jul 12 - 10:42 AM

Remember Burma-Shave Signs?

To qualify as mature you need to recognize these.

For those who never saw any of the Burma Shave signs,
here is a quick lesson in our history of the 1930's, '40's and '50's.

Before there were interstates, when everyone drove the old two-lane roads, Burma Shave signs would be posted all over the countryside in farmers' fields. They were small red signs with white letters. Five signs, about 100 feet apart, each containing one line of a four line verse......and the obligatory 5th sign advertising Burma Shave, a popular shaving cream.

Here are more of the actual signs:


DON'T STICK YOUR ELBOW
OUT SO FAR
IT MAY GO HOME
IN ANOTHER CAR.
Burma Shave

TRAINS DON'T WANDER
ALL OVER THE MAP
'CAUSE NOBODY SITS
IN THE ENGINEER'S LAP
Burma Shave

SHE KISSED THE HAIRBRUSH
BY MISTAKE
SHE THOUGHT IT WAS
HER HUSBAND JAKE
Burma Shave

DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD
TO GAIN A MINUTE
YOU NEED YOUR HEAD
YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT
Burma Shave

DROVE TOO LONG
DRIVER SNOOZING
WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
IS NOT AMUSING
Burma Shave

BROTHER SPEEDER
LET'S REHEARSE
ALL TOGETHER
GOOD MORNING, NURSE
Burma Shave

CAUTIOUS RIDER
TO HER RECKLESS DEAR
LET'S HAVE LESS BULL
AND A LITTLE MORE STEER
Burma Shave

SPEED WAS HIGH
WEATHER WAS NOT
TIRES WERE THIN
X MARKS THE SPOT
Burma Shave

THE MIDNIGHT RIDE
OF PAUL FOR BEER
LED TO A WARMER
HEMISPHERE
Burma Shave

AROUND THE CURVE
LICKETY-SPLIT
BEAUTIFUL CAR
WASN'T IT?
Burma Shave

NO MATTER THE PRICE
NO MATTER HOW NEW
THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE
IN THE CAR IS YOU
Burma Shave

A GUY WHO DRIVES
A CAR WIDE OPEN
IS NOT THINKIN'
HE'S JUST HOPIN'
Burma Shave

AT INTERSECTIONS
LOOK EACH WAY
A HARP SOUNDS NICE
BUT IT'S HARD TO PLAY
Burma Shave

BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL
EYES ON THE ROAD
THAT'S THE SKILLFUL
DRIVER'S CODE
Burma Shave

THE ONE WHO DRIVES
WHEN HE'S BEEN DRINKING
DEPENDS ON YOU
TO DO HIS THINKING
Burma Shave

CAR IN DITCH
DRIVER IN TREE
THE MOON WAS FULL
AND SO WAS HE.
Burma Shave

PASSING SCHOOL ZONE
TAKE IT SLOW
LET OUR LITTLE
SHAVERS GROW
Burma Shave

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: radriano
Date: 02 Jul 12 - 01:42 PM

Here are a couple of jokes I just heard.

First, from my dentist:

What does a pirate charge to pierce ears?
Aaargh, it's a buck an ear!

Second, from a co-worker:

So a guy walks into his doctor's office. He's got an asparagus hanging out of one ear, a stalk of broccoli out of the other ear, and a carrot stick hanging out of his nose.

He says, "Doctor, doctor, you've got to help me!"

The doctor replies, "Well, to start off with - you're not eating right!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 13 Jul 12 - 12:58 PM

A true story recounted by someone just returned from a certain Greek island I'll be returning to soon:

Son needs to go to another island to present certificates to a College. Older brother will accompany him so they take the family car to the ferry port. Father will go down on scooter later and retrieve the car. Problem: when he gets there- they've forgotten to leave the car keys and are staying overnight. No problem: there are spare car keys in the safe back at the house. Problem: the safe key is on the same ring as the main car keys which are with the sons on the ferry...

RtS

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Michael
Date: 13 Jul 12 - 03:14 PM

One I heard today:
"What's the first sign of madness?"
"Suggs knocking at the front door"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 17 Jul 12 - 09:40 AM

LOVE, THROUGH THE EYES OF KIDS (Collected by Teachers from Kids, 6 to 10 years old.)

What Is The Proper Age To Get Married?

Eighty-four! Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom. (Judy, 8)

Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife! (Tom, 5)

What Do Most People Do On A Date?

On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. (Mike, 10)

When Is It OK To Kiss Someone?

You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding. (Jim, 10)

Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours. (Kally, 9)

It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble. (Kenny, 7)

Concerning Why Love Happens Between Two Particular People

No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular. (Jan, 9)

I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful. (Harlen, 8)

On What Falling In Love Is Like

Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life. (Roger, 9)

If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long. (Leo, 7)

On The Role Of Good Looks In Love

If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful. (Jeanne, 8)

It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet. (Gary, 7)

Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time. (Christine, 9)

Concerning Why Lovers Often Hold Hands

They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them. (Dave, 8)

Confidential Opinions About Love

I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons' is on television. (Anita, 6)

Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me. (Bobby, 8)

I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough. (Regina, 10)

The Personal Qualities Necessary To Be A Good Lover

One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills. (Ava, 8)

Some Surefire Ways To Make A Person Fall In Love With You

Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores. (Del, 6)

Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love. (Alonzo, 9)

One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me. (Bart, 9)

How Can You Tell If Two Adults Eating Dinner At A Restaurant Are In Love?

Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love. (John, 9)

Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food. (Brad, 8)

It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are on fire. (Christine, 9)

What Most People Are Thinking When They Say I Love You

The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day. (Michelle, 9)

How A Person Learns To Kiss

You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you. (Doug, 7)

It might help to watch soap operas all day. (Carin, 9)

When Is It OK To Kiss Someone?

It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you. That's why I stopped doing it. (Jean, 10)

How To Make Love Endure

Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work. (Tom, 7)

Don't forget your wife's name. That will mess up the love. (Roger, 8)

"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash. (Randy, 8)

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: framus
Date: 17 Jul 12 - 11:36 PM

Dave, I think you have too much time on your hands!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Peter the Squeezer
Date: 30 Jul 12 - 04:29 PM

Seen on the front of a birthday card - picture of Stanley Matthews drinking out of the FA Cup some time in the 1950's.

Thinks bubble - "When David Beckham scores, I drink Becks. When Paul Scholes scores, I drink Skol. Thank goodness David Seaman is a goalkeeper!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 04 Aug 12 - 11:44 AM

Child Custody Battle

Tallahassee, Fla. -- A seven-year-old boy was at the center of a Tallahassee courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Florida State Seminoles Football Team.

"Why them?" the judge asked.

"Because," the kid said, "they can't beat anyone."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 04 Aug 12 - 02:51 PM

Wise Observations About How Life is Lived

I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

There is great need for a sarcasm font.

How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

Was learning cursive really necessary?

Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

Bad decisions make good stories.

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection…again.

I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

Sometimes I'll look down at my watch three consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from three feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

Heal the past, live the present, dream the future..LIFE IS TOO SHORT!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 04 Aug 12 - 02:57 PM

Girlfriends Agree to Meet Over the Decades

A group of 15-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Dairy Queen next to the Ocean View restaurant because they had only $6.00 among them and Jimmy Johnson, the cute boy in Social Studies, lived on that street.

10 years later, the group of 25-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the beer was cheap, the restaurant offered free snacks, the band was good, there was no cover charge, and there were lots of cute guys.

10 years later, the group of 35-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the cosmos were good, it was right near the gym, and if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.

10 years later, the group of 45-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the martinis were big and the waiters had tight pants and nice buns.

10 years later, the group of 55-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the prices were reasonable, the wine list was good, the restaurant had windows that could be opened (in case of hot flashes), and fish is good for cholesterol.

10 years later, the group of 65-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the lighting was good and the restaurant had early bird specials.

10 years later, the group of 75-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food was not too spicy and the restaurant was handicapped-accessible.

10 years later, the group of 85-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Peter the Squeezer
Date: 06 Aug 12 - 02:15 AM

Latest sailing result from the Olympics - Great Britain took the Gold, USA took the Silver, Somalia took an elderly couple from Weymouth beach.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Joe_F
Date: 06 Aug 12 - 11:25 PM

For those of a certain age:

Conductor: Why is that lantern hanging outside the upper berth?
Porter: Why, sir, you know the rule says you have to hang out a red lantern when the rear end of a sleeper is exposed.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 07 Aug 12 - 04:08 PM

Be Careful About Names

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Robert" or "Boy". I call mine "Sex".

When I went to the City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex.   He said, "I'd like one of those too."   Then I said, "You don't understand. I've had Sex since I was nine years old." He said,"You must have been quite a kid!"

When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until the wedding was over. I said, "Bt Sex has played a big part in my life, and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the hotel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me, and a special room for Sex. He said, "Every room in the place is for sex." I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too."

One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me that I should have sold tickets. "But you don't understand, " I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on T.V." He called me a show-off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married." The judge said, "Me too." Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said, "Me too."

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked,"What are you doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?" I said, "I'm looking for sex."

My case comes up on Friday.

---

Well, now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced, and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why, just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend, but now it has left me forever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely," and the doctor said, "Look, Mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend, so get yourself a dog!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Joe_F
Date: 07 Aug 12 - 09:32 PM

When I was little, in California, that ran: Once there was a man named None of Your Business, and he had a wife named Shut Up, and a dog named Trouble....

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Joe_F
Date: 08 Aug 12 - 08:39 PM

For those of an even older age:

A burglar broke into the White House & surprised FDR in bed. He brandished his pistol & ordered "Get your head under the covers and don't make a sound". So the President did that, but scrunching up caused his rear end to stick out from under the side of the blanket.   Said the burglar, "That goes for you too, Farley!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 11 Aug 12 - 05:28 PM

A psychologist reports to (the source from which I got this) that: "When I recently visited my brother Jim, a family practitioner, I had some time to kill while he finished office hours. So I idly leafed through some patient 'charts' that were stacked on his desk. As you see, good writing runs in our family."

Actual Entries on Hospital Charts

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days.

Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

The skin was moist and dry.

Occasional constant infrequent headaches.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

Rectal examination revealed a normal-size thyroid.

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

Skin: somewhat pale but present.

The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen, and I agree.

Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Joe_F
Date: 11 Aug 12 - 10:56 PM

"Anorexia for lunch" reminded me of the following:

Customer (exasperated by seeing the waiter continually scratch his ass): "Do you have hemorrhoids?"
Waither: "Only what's on the menu, sir."