Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick From: Blackcat2 Date: 22 Nov 99 - 09:30 AM I heard the "filthiest Limerick Ever" this way: It was told to my Dad just after WWII by none other than Winston Churchill. "It seems that the BBC wanted to lift the spirits of the British people during the war and one idea they had was to have a limerick contest. The winner would receive 100 Pounds and his or her limerick would be read on the radio all over the English speaking world. Thousands of entries poured in and finally the winning entry was chosen. Of course, because it was the BEST LIMERICK EVER, it embraced the traditional logic of "there are good limericks and there are clean limericks, but there are no good, clean limericks." So the BBC was in a bind. They knew, from the start, that they'd have to use language not heard on the BBC normally, but this limerick used words with which even the creators of the O.E.D. were only haltingly familiar. The BBC comprimised with the poet and decided to "beep" out the most offensive words and hope that the limerick would remain intact. So after many hours of work this is the limerick as it was presented on the BBC: Beep, beep-beep-beep-beep, beep, beep Beep, beep-beep-beep-beep, beep, beep Beep, beep-beep-beep-beep Beep, beep-beep-beep-beep Beep, beep-beep-beep, fuckin' cunt. pax yall |
Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick From: Dave Swan Date: 22 Nov 99 - 10:40 AM Thanks Don, Glad to have the attribution. It came to me through the oral tradition, and you know how that goes. Cheers, D. |
Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick From: Date: 22 Nov 99 - 02:07 PM Here's one of my favorite "dirties" -- A maiden not otherwise crude, Once strolled down the road in the nude. A man came along, And, unless I am wrong -- You expected this line to be lewd. This original "clean" won a prize from an Irish-American newspaper: Maureen gave her doctor a sore shock When he tried to interpret her Rorschach. "This blot is OBSCENE!" She declared, "Well, I mean, It's a SASSENACH playing the clairseach!" (Translations, if needed: Sassenach = Englishman; clairseach, pronounced "clahr-shock" = traditional Celtic harp) |
Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick From: Seonaid Date: 22 Nov 99 - 02:15 PM The Clairseach limerick was mine -- and very strange it looks, all stretched out in one line. I wonder why the line breaks didn't show up? Is there some trick to that, or do you just have to take your chances on format? (This is my first time posting.) Here's another original: Said Phelimy Boyle to the vicar, "Don't ask me to give up the liquor! I can't even think it; My wife makes me drink it -- It makes more than just my SPEECH thicker!" Carry on! |
Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick From: Bert Date: 22 Nov 99 - 02:28 PM Well Welcome aboard Seonaid! For line feeds you need to insert < BR > Bert. |
Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick From: Sarah-HS Date: 22 Nov 99 - 03:07 PM I actually won a $250.00 prize for this one: A poet whose life was perverse Has his days and his nights it reverse He awoke every night With a yearning to write Thus going from bed to verse And another favorite of mine is: There once was a fellow from Leeds Who swallowed a packet of seeds An acre of grass Grew out of his ass And he couldn't sit down for the weeds!
|
Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick From: Davey Date: 22 Nov 99 - 03:32 PM There was a young fellow named Herkin Who was always jerkin' his gherkin His momma said, "Herkin Quit jerkin' yer gherkin. Yer gherkin's fer ferkin, Herkin." |
Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick From: kendall Date: 22 Nov 99 - 04:11 PM One more and that is it... It was rumored that Shakespere took a bet in a pub that he could make up a limerick using the home town name of another boozer. After taking the bet, Bill asked the name of the mans town, and, he replied, "I'm from Wales, and the name of the town is Aberistwith." Shakespere wrote.. There was a girl from Aberistwithe who went to the mill they ground grist withe, there, a fella named Jack laid her flat on her back, and united the things that they pissed withe. |
Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick From: KathWestra Date: 22 Nov 99 - 04:28 PM Davey -- You posted a variant of a favorite limerick that I first heard attributed to Allan Block, fiddler, poet, and sandal-maker long of New York City and now of New Hampshire. The way I heard it was:
There once was a man named McGurkin,
My other favorite, which is actually clean, is:
There was a young lady from Dole, |
Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick From: bunkerhill Date: 22 Nov 99 - 04:58 PM Almost clean: Mary had an aeroplane In which she used to frisk Wasn't she the silly girl She had her * |
Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick From: Sandy Paton Date: 22 Nov 99 - 05:14 PM Is there some way we could award "Limerick honors" to the very welcome new Mudcatter, Seonaid (and while we're at it, get Joe to add the necessary line breaks)? Those are genuine gems, Seonaid! Sandy |
Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick From: fox4zero Date: 22 Nov 99 - 06:23 PM Have not had so many laughs for a long time. I would like to tidy up one of the earlier entries: Alas for nymphomanical Alice She used a dynamite stick for a phallas. They found her vagina in North Carolina and a piece of her ass in Dallas The seguey was: Aye Aye Aye Aye In China they never eat chile So here comes the next verse Its worse that the last verse So waltz me around again Willie. Thanks for the laughs. PARISH |
Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick From: A. Non Date: 22 Nov 99 - 07:39 PM "Ay, yi, yi, yi," is a common introductory line of verses of the Inferior Bawdy Celts of Eire, and sung to the Gaelic tune of "Cielito Lindo", with 3 improvised lines like, "I'd rather get laid than get eaten, So sing me a chorus, While I eat your Clitoris," and ending with something like "So waltz me around again Willie". There are some examples sung by the decadent Gaelic nightingale Rusty Warren on 'Songs for Sinners', Jubilee LP 2024. Martyn Green just recited samples (Sassenach style) on Riverside RLP 7001. A clan of the Greater Bawdy Celts, around Limerick, from whom the name comes, could come up with 5 lines all on their own. A small sample of 1739 of these little rhymes was laboriously translated into English, and given by the notorious Celtic schollar Gershon Legman in a small book imaginatively titled 'The Limerick', with a few supplementary ones (2750) in 'The New Limerick'. Rumour has it that some misguided soul, doubtlessly to discredit the Celts, made up a non-bawdy Limerick, but so far it's eluded my searches.
Further meticulous research, aided by discovery of The Greater Book of the Bawdy Celts under a French title, and its translation into English has given rise to a further report on the poetic, musical, and historio-erotic remains of the early Celts. This is combined with the earlier report, available via Old Blue.
|
Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick From: _gargoyle Date: 23 Nov 99 - 01:33 PM There was a young man from Beirut Who was troubled by warts on his root. He put acid on these, And now, when he pees, He can finger his root like a flute.
|
Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick From: WaltG Date: 23 Nov 99 - 01:48 PM There once was a man from St Kitts, Who planted ten acres of tits, They came up in the fall big nipples and all, and he happily chewed them to bits. Ther once was a hermit named Dave, Who kept a dead whore in his cave. He said with a grunt, I know its dead cunt, But think of the money I save. |
Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick From: Date: 23 Nov 99 - 02:12 PM Another young man, from Beirut Played a penis as one might a flute Till he met a sad eunuch Who lifted his tunic And said, "Sir, my insturment's mute.
|
Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick From: Lonesome EJ Date: 23 Nov 99 - 02:21 PM There once was a fellow named Ghandhi Went into a pub for a shandy While draining his cup His robe he hiked up And the Barmistress cried "What a Dandy!" |
Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick From: Leigh Date: 23 Nov 99 - 05:40 PM There once was a lawyer named Rex With diminutive organs of sex. When arraigned for exposure, He replied with composure: "De minimis non curat lex."
|
Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick From: Date: 23 Nov 99 - 06:02 PM |
Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick From: Potato Fingers Date: 23 Nov 99 - 10:11 PM Christ, you people are killing me. I love this place. |
Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick From: Date: 23 Nov 99 - 11:10 PM Getting back to music,
There was a young fellow, quite crass, |
Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick From: Date: 23 Nov 99 - 11:13 PM There was a young fellow from Kent Whose took was so long that it bent To save him the trouble He shoved it in double But instead of coming he went |
Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick From: bseed(charleskratz) Date: 23 Nov 99 - 11:24 PM Let's get back to that hermit named Dave Who kept his dead whore in his cave: Said he, "I'll admit That I love that dead tit, But it's really the maggots I crave." --seed |
Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick From: annamill Date: 23 Nov 99 - 11:57 PM There was a young lady from Nices (wherever that is) who had breasts of two different sizes. One was small, nothing at all. The other was large, and won prizes. Thank you, Thank you, Annap |
Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick From: Liz the Squeak Date: 24 Nov 99 - 12:29 AM OK, it's late, (well, early for me, it's 5am, insomniacs of the world - go to bed!!) In a whorehouse in C*nt Lane, Devizes, They take on men's c*cks of all sizes. From one inch up to ten, It depends on your yen, For bigger knobs still, there's free prizes. There was a young whore named Diana Who would have anyone for a tanner Amidst roars of applause, She'd let down her drawers And tighten her c*nt with a spanner. In spite of a wasting disease, O'Reilly went down on his knees, before altars of gods, Whores, boys and small dogs, And all this for very low fees..... Petunia, the prude of Mount Hood Devised an odd object of wood. Which, emloyed on hot nights, Gave her carnal delights Far beyond what the average man could! A gold digging doxy from Darien, Laughed at Seth, the old bloke she was marryin' On their wedding night,Seth Screwed the poor girl to death Quite a feat for an octogenarian! LTS |
Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick From: Micca Date: 24 Nov 99 - 09:14 AM A young gynecologist named Chaste called out to his colleague" Make haste I've a patient named Helen with a clit like a melon" " No, I don't mean the size, I mean taste |
Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick From: potato fingers Date: 24 Nov 99 - 11:23 PM Kurt Vonnegut gave us:
Who soliloquized thus to his tool: "You took all my wealth and you ruined my health, and now you won't pee, you old fool!" ...and from John Steinbeck:
Who got tired of being alone so he went to King City to get something pretty puta chingada cabron. |
Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick From: Len Wallace Date: 25 Nov 99 - 01:38 AM There once was a man named Lancelot Who looked at the ladies askance a lot. Whenevr he'd pass a delectable lass The front of his pants would advance a lot. |
Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick From: Mooh Date: 12 Jun 00 - 10:34 AM There's always time for a revival. A Newfoundland boy from Placentia / Was in love to the point of dementia, / But his love couldn't burgeon / With his touch-me-not virgin / Till he screwed her by hand, in absentia. Sorry, not sure from whence it came, tee hee. Peace, Mooh. |
Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick From: kendall Date: 12 Jun 00 - 11:14 AM I heard it this way..a mathmetician named Hall Had a hexahedronical ball The cube of its weight Plus his pecker, times eight Was 4/5ths of 5/8ths of fuck all. |
Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick From: Mooh Date: 12 Jun 00 - 01:14 PM Very good Kendall, now go to the head of the class. Try this: If some are perpetually high,/It's Canadian whiskey, is why./But in terms of performance/It expediates dormance/It's harder to come through the rye. I stick to Canadian beer, Mooh. |
Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick From: GUEST,gblack@ihug.co.nz Date: 14 Dec 01 - 02:47 AM There was a young lady from Cape Cod Who thought all babies came fromG God But it wasn't the almighty who lifted her nighty It were Roger the lodger the sod There once were a man who averred that he'd learnt to fly like a bird And from the church steeple in front of some fourty people he leapt This tomb states the date it occurred |
Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick From: John MacKenzie Date: 14 Dec 01 - 03:07 PM There was a young lady,she was Greek Who had her monthlies twice a week Said her young man from Woking, most provoking No poking, so to speak. There was a young girl from Pitlochry, Who was having a screw in a rockery When she found that he'd come, all over her tum She said that's not a f**k, it's a mockery Failte .....Jock |
Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick From: Joe_F Date: 14 Dec 01 - 07:55 PM To his wife said the sharp-eyed detective, "Can it be that my eyesight's defective? Has your west tit the least bit The best of your east tit, Or is it a fault of perspective? You can smoke a symbolic cigar. You can ride in a long, sexy car. But a phallic church steeple, To sensible people, Is stretching the thing rather far. Now everyone wants a butch guy. That's a fact that we cannot deny. But between butch and bitch Is such a small switch -- Just the difference between U and I! There was once an old man of great fame, Who, when asked how he did with a dame, Said, "In order to please her, I reversed Julius Caesar: I saw, I conquered, I came." From the crypt of the church at St Giles There came shrieks that resounded for miles. Said the priest, "Goodness gracious! Dear Brother Ignatius Forgets that the Bishop has piles." |
Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick From: GUEST,guest Date: 14 Dec 01 - 10:30 PM Viagra, to which I'm addicted Works better by far than predicted. It has gone from quite limp, To as big as a blimp, Which is more than my previous dick did. |
Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick From: GUEST,garrick on da isle Date: 14 Mar 03 - 06:33 PM mary had a little bike she road it back to frount every time the wheels went round the spokes went up er cu*t there was a young lady named ilean who wanted to wet wash er sieling so she layed on er back and opend er crack and pi**ed all over the sieling mary had a little lam er dad shot it dead now she takes it into school between 2 bits of bread thanck for listeng all |
Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick From: Joe_F Date: 14 Mar 03 - 06:43 PM The bishop elect of Hong Kong Had a dong that was ten inches long. He thought the spectators Were admiring his gaiters When he went to the gents'. He was wrong. -- W. H. Auden |
Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick From: toadfrog Date: 15 Mar 03 - 05:56 PM Said Francesca, "My lack of volition, Is leading me straight to perdition! For I haven't the strength To go to the length Of making an act of contrition!" |
Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick From: Nigel Parsons Date: 15 Mar 03 - 06:09 PM There was a young man named Paul Who went to a fancy dress ball For the sake of some fun He dressed up as a bun But a dog ate him up in the hall. There was a young man who, gingerly Tore a hole in his sister's best lingerie. As he ripped off his vest, He thought 'twould be best To add incest to insult to injury. |
Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick From: Amos Date: 15 Mar 03 - 08:25 PM There was a young fairy named Broome Took a lesbian up to his room! But they argued all night, About who had the right To do what And with which And to whom! |
Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick From: John Hardly Date: 15 Mar 03 - 08:43 PM Rice, Gambetta, Crary and Car- Lini, Lawrence, Sawtelle, and Starr White, White, and Watson Hurst, Blake and Sutton They sure know their flatpick guitar! 8888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888 They're masters of the six-stringer Though few claim the title "singer" Donohue, Reed, Baughman Hedges, DeGrassi and Mann Though none named more aptly than Finger. |
Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick From: vectis Date: 15 Mar 03 - 08:48 PM I heard that one as There was a young chap from Khartoum Took a lesbian up to his room As they lay on the bed He turned round and said "Now who does what, with what, and to whom" |
Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick From: Rapparee Date: 15 Mar 03 - 09:10 PM Wish I remembered the first of two limericks, but this is the second: The Rector of Dustin St. Just Consumed with canonical lust, Raped the Bishop's prize fowls His precious young owls And a little green lizard, what bust. One more: There were two old maids of Nottingham And this is the story concerning 'em: The lifted the frock And diddled the cock Of the Bishop as he was confirming 'em. |
Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick From: Midchuck Date: 15 Mar 03 - 09:14 PM A gay Irish priest in New Delhi Had the Lord's Prayer tattooed on his belly By the time that a Brahmin Got to the "Amen," He'd blown both salvation, and Kelly. P. |
Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick From: GUEST,Dis Guesting Date: 15 Mar 03 - 09:22 PM There was a young lady from Wick Who said "Mother , What is a prick" She said "Its a rissole you stuff up your piss'ole and waggle about till it's sick" There was a young lady from Ealing who danced with such exquisite feeling. that the only clear sound to be heard for miles around was fly buttons hitting the ceiling. There was a young chap from Montrose who wanked underneath the bed clothes Said his mother with joy "he's a broth of a boy", "But he's a bugger for blowing his nose |
Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick From: Joe_F Date: 15 Mar 03 - 11:39 PM Rapaire: The story continues: Now, that bishop was nobody's fool: He'd been to divinity school. So he hauled down his breeches And screwed those two witches With his holy episcopal tool. Now, one of those girls was named Sue, And Sue said, when the bishop was thru, "The vicar was quicker And slicker and thicker And two inches longer than you." |
Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick From: GUEST,H BOMB THE TERRIBLE Date: 15 Jan 05 - 07:23 PM THERE ONCE WAS A MAN FROM CALCUTTA WHO SPOKE WITH A TERRIBLE STUTTER TO THE WAITER HE SAID IL'E HAVE SOME B B B BREAD AND SOME B B B B B B BUTTER ............... MAKES ME LAFF EVERY TIME |
Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick From: GUEST,Leadfingers Date: 16 Jan 05 - 01:31 PM Gods plan made a hopeful beginning But Man went and spoilt it by sinning We trust that the story will end in gods glory But at present the other sides winning |
Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick From: Nerd Date: 17 Jan 05 - 03:21 AM There once was a man from Australia Who Painted his arse like a dahlia The color was fine Likewise the design But the aroma--Ugh! That was a failure |
Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick From: Tannywheeler Date: 17 Jan 05 - 02:55 PM Sorry, folks this one's clean -- my "baby girl" wrote it for her teacher when she was in the 5th grade (11 yrs old; she's now almost 35): "A grasshopper hopped on the square; He hopped on a girl sitting there. He chirped in her ear, which filled her with fear, And sent her sky-high in the air." Tw |
Share Thread: |