Subject: Lyr Add: SWEET VIOLETS From: GUEST,Roger the skiffler Date: 02 Feb 01 - 08:33 AM I'm sure I posted this version of Sweet Violets to an earlier thread but it's not one of the three in the DT. One of the first "naughty" songs I learned which my grandpa taught me (to grannie's disgust!). SWEET VIOLETS (Dedicated to the workers at Minworth sewage works) They say that your father's a muckman And works in the middens all night And when he comes home in the evening He's covered all over in— CHORUS: Sweet Violets Sweeter than the roses Covered all over from head to toe In sweet violets When he comes home for his breakfast There in his chair he will sit Have four or five mouthfuls of breakfast And four or five mouthfuls of— CHORUS They say that he's kind to his children To please him they try all their might But when he's dead, they will bury him In four or five acres of— CHORUS RtS |
Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: Gervase Date: 02 Feb 01 - 05:34 AM Sorry, but this was irresistible: Please don't burn our shit-house down, Mother has promised to pay. Father's away on the ocean wave And sister's in the family way. Brother dear has gonorrhea And times is fucking hard; So please don't burn our shit-house down Or we'll all have to shit in the yard. Ah, I love those ol' tearjerkers! |
Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: Liz the Squeak Date: 02 Feb 01 - 05:25 AM Tune: Little Black Stove.
In the little shed down the back, Well, I got a bit flustered by the end.... Micca, don't even think about it. And if this is a music site, what about all the verses of 'Oh dear what can the matter be?' And ours is upright, on a spike. No walls near enough and I refuse to turn 180 degrees, wrenching my back, spraining my wrists and dislocating my shoulders to get it off the top of the cistern. Whose stupid idea is it to put loo roll holders behind the loo. Daft or what?! LTS |
Subject: Lyr Add: LITTLE RUSTIC HUT (Watt Nichol) From: bill\sables Date: 01 Feb 01 - 03:47 PM LITTLE RUSTIC HUT Watt Nichol. Tune Garden where the Praties Grow In a little rural village that's where I was born With silver flowing streams and fields of flowing corn But in my childhood memories the thing I most recall Was the little rustic hut that stood against the garden wall
There were flowers in our garden a pleasure for to see
I often used to curse when just a tiny tot
First time I saw it I never shall forget
As I sat on my little hole one night I had a plan
My father often came home drunk when I was only young
Though the house was bared and shuttered it was burgled twice or more |
Subject: Lyr Add: FLUSH THE MAGIC TOILET (Ian Mills) From: bill\sables Date: 01 Feb 01 - 03:23 PM FLUSH THE MAGIC TOILET Ian Mills Flush was a magic toilet the finest in the land With golden bells and cherubs all around his ornate pan His pipes were made of silver his cistern was the same And down came crystal waters when you pulled that golden chain Flush the magic toilet lived by the sea And flourished in the autumn mist in a land called Peterlee Flush the magic toilet flowed into the sea Polluting all the beeches for the folk like you and me
Little Suzie Snodgrass used Flush every day
Little Suzie Snodgrass adored that magic loo
Flush lived in this little hut outside Suzie's door
Flush was so broken hearted when he found he'd lost his friend |
Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 01 Feb 01 - 03:01 PM I'm an over-the-top man, by conviction. Indeed, so much so that if I find a roll installed wall-side I will take it out and fix it right! Dave Oesterreich, the Loo Pedant |
Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: GUEST Date: 01 Feb 01 - 02:19 PM Legman reported a joke book printed on a roll of toilet paper. Is that what disappeared? Thank heavens they didn't print sheet music on it, as all those sharps would make it as bad as corncobs to wipe with. |
Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: Micca Date: 01 Feb 01 - 01:17 PM Dave the Gnome, are you referring to "Flushed from the bathroom of your heart?? by any chance...I might add the warm seat as a verse.. if I can see how...mmmmmmm???? |
Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: Hollowfox Date: 01 Feb 01 - 01:06 PM I was raised Wall-side, my husband was raised over the top. For twenty years I put up with over the top behavior, and when he left, I told the kids that whoever changed the roll got to put it on either way, as they chose. There are enough "do it the right way" chores in the house without adding one more. (georgeward's lady wife told me to choose my battles wisely when it came to teenagers.) |
Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: Snuffy Date: 01 Feb 01 - 01:05 PM Wall side, definitely. 3-year-olds like making the toilet roll spin round and round - and guess what happens if it's not wall-side! |
Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: mousethief Date: 01 Feb 01 - 12:08 PM Over the top. Definitely. Also, I too am the only person in the house capable of changing the roll. Or turning out the bathroom lights. Which is why I'm installing a timer knob for the damned things. |
Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: Pseudolus Date: 01 Feb 01 - 11:38 AM Drunk gets up from the bar and goes into the mens room. A few minutes later there's a blood-curdling scream from inside. A few minutes later another scream. After the third scream the bartender goes to the door and yells, "Is everything ok in there?". The drunk yells out, "I'm trying to flush but every time I try, something reaches up a sqeezes the hell out of my balls!!" The bartender goes in and says, "Ya damned fool, you're sitting on the mop bucket!!!!"
Frank P.S. Is this thread creep, or a creepy thread? who knows!! |
Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: Dave the Gnome Date: 01 Feb 01 - 11:14 AM Midnight Cowboys - in a Lancashire setting - were the blokes who came round in a horse and cart every night emptying the contents of peoples 'privies' into the cart before taking it away to be desposed of elsewhere... One warm summer night old Bert was shovelling away in his shirt sleves and knocked his jacket into the cart. "Bugger" he says as he puts his arm in... "Oh, bloody 'ell" says young George, retching, "It's only a jacket - can yer not get a new 'un?" "Aye," says Bert, fumbling about, "I could, but I've left me butties in't pocket..." |
Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: Big Mick Date: 01 Feb 01 - 11:00 AM So this auld lad is sitting enjoying his morning constitutional on 1/2 of a two hole outhouse. In walks this fella who sits down beside him and they have a wonderful conversation. The auld boy stands up and as he does so a 25 cent piece falls out of his pocket and down the hole. "Bad luck" sez the other fella, as the auld boy takes out a $20.00 bill and throws it down the hole. "You damned fool" sez he, "what the hell did you do that for?" The auld lad sez "You don't think I am dumb enough to go down there for 25 cents, do you?" |
Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: Dave the Gnome Date: 01 Feb 01 - 10:46 AM I thought My gramma, had a polystyrene cover on her toilet and the only thing worse than a cold toilet seat is a warm one were both brilliant song titles (where are you, Micca???) ...but where does Twin Pan Loo come into it? Isn't he a short green stripey guy in Star Wars - The Phantom Menace??? DtG, getting more and more brain dead by the second... |
Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: Michael in Swansea Date: 01 Feb 01 - 10:34 AM Over the top. While we're on the subject, a couple of weeks ago one of the bars in Swansea opened a "twin pan loo" for the ladies. One cubicle two bog pans. Well? Mike |
Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: bill\sables Date: 01 Feb 01 - 10:22 AM I think the only thing worse than a cold toilet seat is a warm one. |
Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: GUEST,Bun Date: 01 Feb 01 - 10:18 AM My gramma, had a polystyrene cover on her toilet. It was always warm to sit on and kind of an uncomfortable feeling that you had just sat down seconds after someone else. i would like to point out that the first thread I ever started was about "constipation" this is not toilet humor, but I had lots of strange advice on how to cope with it - thank god I am not a mathematicion. Bun |
Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: Dave the Gnome Date: 01 Feb 01 - 10:14 AM Come on guys and gals. This is a music site. What's with the toilet humour? It's a cafe init??? Isn't it compulsory to have toilets in a cafe??? To keep it on track though - just in case - I'll go and pay a visit now - I'll whistle Handels WaterCloset Music to let everyone know I am there. (The lock broke weeks ago...) Any other suggestions? A bit of rock and toilet-roll? Bog Bad John? Oh deary, deary me, I must be bored.... DtG |
Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: kendall Date: 01 Feb 01 - 10:12 AM In that little white washed building by the barn The most important building on the farm Grandpa cursed the devils soul When his pipe fell down the hole In that little white washed building by the barn... |
Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: flattop Date: 01 Feb 01 - 10:04 AM Come on guys and gals. This is a music site. What's with the toilet humour? |
Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: GUEST,Fibula Mattock Date: 01 Feb 01 - 09:51 AM wall side. Padded WHAT? Isn't that unhygenic? |
Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: Dave the Gnome Date: 01 Feb 01 - 09:46 AM they didn't have them in the gents...... Just as well realy;-) DtG |
Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: alison Date: 01 Feb 01 - 09:39 AM it's very odd... the first time I encountered one I wasn't expecting it..... sat down and thought I'm being absorbed into this loo........ I was expecting the usual hard seat... and kept sinking into this thing... so weird an experience that I dragged the blokes in the band into the ladies loos to experience it too...lol...... (sorry alan... your street cred is gone for good...lol).... they didn't have them in the gents...... slainte alison |
Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: Dave the Gnome Date: 01 Feb 01 - 09:32 AM My wife went into the ladies in a lovely old pub in Bilston, Staffs. About 30 seconds later she came out muttering about thinking again if they wanted her to go anywhere near the sponge padded, pink vinyl toilet seat...YUK. DtG |
Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: alison Date: 01 Feb 01 - 09:28 AM wall, ever tried a padded loo seat?... interesting sensation....lol slainte alison |
Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: Lady McMoo Date: 01 Feb 01 - 09:23 AM Thanks Dave! ...it's short for McElroy Moore. mcmoo |
Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: Dave the Gnome Date: 01 Feb 01 - 09:16 AM Away.... and I always tidy it up so the perforations are aligned (sad or what???) and I didn't use it all myself McMoo - honest!!! (Why McMoo BTW - I think it's a brill name) DtG |
Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: Lady McMoo Date: 01 Feb 01 - 09:14 AM I'm over the top... mcmoo |
Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: LR Mole Date: 01 Feb 01 - 09:11 AM Because you have one of those extra "u"'s in the word "humor".BUT as a fellow mechanical whiz (ha ha) who is the only one capable of manipulating the TP dispenser in a household of four (five if you count the dog, who isn't really involved) I begin another Mudcat poll: is the roll to be put hanging down next to the wall or over the top AWAY from the wall? I'm a wall-side guy, myself. |
Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: Lady McMoo Date: 01 Feb 01 - 09:07 AM My word! You use a lot of toilet paper Dave! Yours in admiration, mcmoo |
Subject: RE: BS: Toilet humour??? From: Troll Date: 01 Feb 01 - 08:43 AM YOU replaced the bog roll? WAY TO GO, DAVE! Now they'll know that we know how to do it and they'll expect it from now on. Why do we have to put the seat down? It shows that we "care" and it's a damn sight cheaper that chocolates and flowers. Sheesh! Do we have to tell you young guys EVERYTHING? troll |
Subject: Toilet humour??? From: Dave the Gnome Date: 01 Feb 01 - 08:07 AM Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'I've just visited the little boys room (more info than you need I know - but we all do it!) and had to replace the toilet roll AGAIN!!!! Three times now in three days! Why oh why oh why oh why are some people incapable of performing simple tasks????? IT MAKES ME MAD!!!! And why are us blokes supposed to put the seat down when we have finished? Why can't you women lift the seat up when you have finished instead??? Nothing worse than having to lift up a warm bog seat.... These are the important issues... We need answers.... Dave the Inquisitive Gnome |