Ask Dr. Guitar

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: Dave Bryant
Date: 15 Oct 02 - 10:49 AM

Badly !

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Clueless Clyde (from Cleveland)
Date: 20 Feb 03 - 03:01 AM

Dear Dr. Guitar,

Many years ago, I learned a bunch of guitar chords out of a Mel Bay book. One kind of chord that I learned how to finger was something called an augmented chord. Well, I just realized that after almost forty years of playing the guitar, I do not play a single song that uses an augmented chord. Diminished, ninth, major seventh, minor seventh and a whole bunch of one-off type things I don't even know the names of, but no augmented chords. So, I was wondering if you had any suggestions regarding what I could do with these useless things. They are perfectly good chords - brand new and never been used. I just don't have any use for them and would like to see them in a good home.

Sincerely,

Clueless Clyde

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Dr. OM Dreadnought
Date: 20 Feb 03 - 03:09 AM

Dear Clueless Clyde,

Regretfully, Dr. Guitar has been out of his office for some time. In his absence, several of his colleagues, including myself, have been endeavoring to fill in in his stead. Since your situation seems to be a common ailment from which many guitarists suffer, I thought I would give it immediate attention.

Here is a brief list of things that can be done with unused augmented chords:

1) Donate them to Mudcat Auction
2) Sell them on Ebay
3) Exchange them for a couple of sets of guitar strings
4) Exchange them for an Fmaj7 fingered 132211
5) Send them to Pat Donahue and see if he'll play them on "Prairie Home Companion"

If any of my colleagues have further suggestions, they would be greatly appreciated.

Sincerely,

Dr. OM Dreadnought

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Dr. Guitar
Date: 20 Feb 03 - 05:06 AM

To all my valued and needed patients,

Indeed I am still here and well and am much indebted to my esteemed colleague Dr. OM Dreadnought for stepping into the breach whilst I was away from my office on urgent business tending to the heatbreaking needs of some of our world music colleague (I like to think of myself as polyvalent) with their kora, domra, tabla, oud and bamboo flute problems.

Dear Clueless Clyde,

Indeed, I would relieve you of those chords myself were it not for the fact that I only use those particular augmented chords and no other and therefore have a personal surplus of them.

My worthy and esteemed colleague Dr. OM Dreadnought has already proferred you some sound advice with which I readily concur.

Another suggestion from my site would be to offer them up on the following site which has a special forum for the needy and where someone in great distress may want (really, really want) them and may, if they are really special, like augmented 7b9, or really rare, like the augmented 7#9 (the so-called "precious" amongst the really needy and thought to be the original inspiration for Tolkien's Gollum's desription of The Ring) be prepared to pay good dollar for them.

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Dr. Guitar
Date: 20 Feb 03 - 05:18 AM

My sincerely apologies to all for my seriously curtailed post above, cut off in its prime by unknown forces that even this humble Doctor cannot comprehend! Let me try, with your indulgence, once again...

To all my valued and needy patients,

Indeed I am still here and well and am much indebted to my esteemed colleague Dr. OM Dreadnought for stepping into the breach whilst I was away from my office on urgent business tending to the heatbreaking needs of some of our world music colleague (I like to think of myself as polyvalent) with their kora, domra, tabla, oud and bamboo flute problems.

Dear Clueless Clyde,

Indeed, I would relieve you of those chords myself were it not for the fact that I only use those particular augmented chords and no other and therefore have a personal surplus of them.

My worthy and esteemed colleague Dr. OM Dreadnought has already proferred you some sound advice with which I readily concur.

Another suggestion from my site would be to offer them up on the following site which has a special forum for the needy and where someone in great distress may want (really, really want) them and may, if they are really special, like augmented 7b9, or really rare, like the augmented 7#9 (the so-called "precious" amongst the really needy and thought to be the original inspiration for Tolkien's Gollum's desription of The Ring) be prepared to pay good dollar for them.

Special site for the really needy musician

Another person who may be able to use them is our own esteemed Mr Fielding on this forum. I have it on the best possible authority that he can do an augmented and frequently injects one into his performances, but I am not sure if he yet has the Complete Collection.

At your service always and delighted to be called upon one again!

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Guitar

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: posterchild
Date: 20 Feb 03 - 03:50 PM

I have a Grammer G10 Jumbo guitar. Any way of finding out the value?

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: BuckMulligan
Date: 20 Feb 03 - 03:59 PM

Posterchild, send an email to Mandolin Brothers in NY. Amazing place, nifty website too (get the email details there) - http://www.mandoweb.com/

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: C-flat
Date: 20 Feb 03 - 05:42 PM

Dear Dr Guitar,
I've been studying the guitar for some weeks now and feel ready to venture further up the neck. My problem is that, upon close inspection, it seems that the metal strips on my instruments neck are unevenly spaced, being more closely grouped the nearer the body of the guitar.
I had thought of removing every other metal strip past the seventh one but I'm a little concerned as to how to re-site the white dot-markers on the neck.
Any advice would be gratefully received,
Yours,
Ed Cayse.

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: Ebbie
Date: 20 Feb 03 - 06:35 PM

Dear Dr. Guitar:
I appreciate your patience with your patients, of whom I am one. My problem is not yet resolved, but at least I no longer care as much.

You passed on some instructions to me some time back; I've been using them with mixed success.

"...New method to play complex Jazz chords, using just 2 fingers" I won't even comment on this suggestion.

"...in various neck positions" I have tried as many neck positions as I can think of- with no results other than a certain stiffness that I anticipate working out before it becomes chronic. Do you have any helpful ideas?

"...Learn improvised solos and fills, with increased fluidity" My own medical doctor suggested the same thing- and now I drink much more water than I did. (I don't do as well as my nephew does though, I must admit- he is currently drinking 120 + ounces a day. He doesn't leave home much any more.)

Thank you for your efforts.

Ebbie is still Alona Lott.

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: posterchild
Date: 20 Feb 03 - 06:48 PM

C-Flat...in your case, remove all the little metal strips (frets), fill in the holes with matching rosewood or ebony wood filler, then sand the entire top of the neck (fingerboard) real smmmmmoooooth, go to the office supply store and buy some 1/2" "smiley face" stickers to use for those dot-markers, place one every inch on the top of the neck (fingerboard). Then brush paint the guitar with at least three heavy coats of the best grade of exterior house paint (a bright color will be so nice). Restring the instrument (after it drys) with all 6th strings (.056) and tighten all the strings 'til you think they are about to break, take all the little pills your therapist gave you, sit down in a corner somewhere and play with yourself 'cause your guitar will as fucked up as you are. Have Fun!

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: C-flat
Date: 21 Feb 03 - 03:10 AM

Thanks Posterchild, I think the smiley face stickers are a great idea and surely a more attractive option than abalone or mother-of-pearl!
I have a bit of a problem with your suggestion that I change the strings though. Not that I have a problem with using all .56 gauge,(my home-made, heavy-duty steel picks can cope with that), rather the issue of having to tune them all over again. It took me so long to get this set just right(in tune AND all the tuning pegs facing the right way) that, once achieved, I prudently super-glued the pegs into position to avoid having to undertake such time-taking work again.
Is it possible to carry out this work by detaching the neck of the guitar while leaving the strings attatched? There's already a bit of play on it and I think it wouldn't take too much effort to free it completely!
Any ideas?
Ed Cayse.

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Dr. Guitar
Date: 21 Feb 03 - 08:34 AM

Dear Ed Cayse,

Good to see you again in my surgery!

I quite agree. It does seem strange, especially to the uninitiated, that there should be an increasing oddness of the frets as one goes up the neck. In fact my studies have revealed that there is a formula at work here which involves the very odd number indeed of 17.817. This has lead me to conclude that access to those odd upper frets should only be allowed to those who have passed a test for playing odd chords such as myself and Mr Fielding (and certainly not Alona Lott who has been ignoring my advice not to look at certain internet sites). Such odd chords include, for example the augmented 7b9 and the "precious", i.e. the augmented 7#9, discussed at length with Clueless Clyde above.

I am currently in negotiation with some of the leading guitar companies and bespoke luthiers to implement a safeguard feature that I have patented to prohibit and prevent access to these odd and potentially dangerous frets.

With my very best regards,

Dr. Guitar

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Old Pro
Date: 21 Feb 03 - 09:10 AM

The easiest way to disconnect the neck from the body with minimal damage is to use a two man cross cut saw to produce a smooth clean cut. If done carefully the two pieces should join back together nicely. The strings will be slacker because of this but you can probably figure out a way to tie knots in them. Keep us posted. I'm sure the big guitars makers are following this thread with great interest. Old Pro

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: DMcG
Date: 21 Feb 03 - 09:41 AM

When you re-assemble the guitar, pay close attention to the gap between the strings and the fretboard. Too great a gap will make playing difficult and six inches is the maximum recommended.

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Cluin
Date: 21 Feb 03 - 01:43 PM

Oh Doctor, Doctor...

I have a vintage pre-war Martin dreadnought and have long wanted to add a second neck to it so I don't have to switch guitars when I need a 12 string. I recently found an old broken 12 string neck in a yard sale and bought it for the bargain price of $450. Can I just glue this to the upper bout of my Martin and string it up?

Actually, the question is kind of moot since I already glued it there (and used a couple of wood screws for good measure). The real question is: "How do I figure out where to drill the holes in the existing bridge for the new 12 strings?

Don't worry... I have a very extensive workshop's worth of woodworking tools, including a ballpeen hammer, a Sears Craftsman 3/8" drill (with only one bit, a 11/16, but how many do you need, seriously) and a Barlow knife with a broken blade.

(p.s. hurry with your response please... I have an important gig tonight)

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Old Pro
Date: 21 Feb 03 - 02:53 PM

It would be best if you used long drywall screws. Take the back of the guitar off with a prybar (carefully)(you may need to use a hammer and large sharp chisel to get you started.) It is best to run the screws (about 2 dozen very close together) in from the INSIDE of the guitar body into the neck. Go ahead and run some into the 6 string neck also for stability...Put the back in place and secure with fine quality duct tape. Just to be sure pour a gallon of wood glue into the sound hole. Roll your guitar around to make sure the entire INSIDE is coated. Let dry for about a month, string it up and head for Nashville. Sorry about tonight's gig. But, hey! Borrow a Harmony Sovereign and go for it.

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: Cluin
Date: 21 Feb 03 - 03:31 PM

That's gonna be a bit of a problem. Nobody will lend me a guitar. (the pricks!)

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 21 Feb 03 - 04:33 PM

Dear Doctor Guitar,

Like Clueless Clyde above, I learned my basic guitar chords from a Mel Bay chord book - the old ones with actual photos of Mel Bay himself dressed in a suit so brown that you could tell it was brown even in the black and white photos - demonstrating the chords on his D'Angelico New Yorker. As a result of untold hours spent poring over those photos, I have a strange compulsion to dress up in a brown suit, striped tie, and long-sleeved white dress shirt with cufflinks at any time that I get the urge to play guitar. As I am semi-retired and spend most of my time at home, the urge to play guitar strikes me twenty or thirty times a day. Being both a potter and an avid gardener, staying dressed in my Mel Bay wardrobe all day long is probably not a good idea. The constant changing of clothes is taking huge amounts of time out of my typical day, not to mention the fact that I have had to take out a second mortgage on my house to keep up with the dry-cleaning bill. I would actually be willing to put up with this affliction if a New Yorker came along with it at no extra charge, but, so far, it has not materialized. Any suggestions?

Sincerely,

The Guy in the Brown Suit

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: C-flat
Date: 22 Feb 03 - 07:29 AM

Dear Dr Guitar,
I'm considering a change of style, following a chance meeting with some pleasant(if a bit scruffily dressed)young men at a recent "jam night".
It seems that these fellows are looking for a replacement guitarist to join their rock band and I think they were impressed with some of the knowledge I was able to impart as a direct result of my frequent visits to your esteemed surgeries.
During our conversation I heard one or two unfamiliar expressions and was hoping that you could enlighten me.
Apparently these boys like to play "heavy metal" guitars and "thrash" or "shred" them.
The heaviest guitar I own is an EKO ranger (all that extra bracing) but I got the impression that this wouldn't be heavy enough and anyway it's predominately wood, apart from the truss rod, so probably not the thing.
From our previous discussions I'm aware that a lead guitar is a non-starter but can you suggest something heavy enough to satisfy my requirements and withstand "thrashing" and "shredding".
If I can make a good impression with these chaps, then I would think the gig is mine and to that end I've ordered a nice leather jacket and have made a few well-placed rips in some old gardening jeans. Any further image tips will be gratefully received.
Keep up the good work!
Yours faithfully,
R.Sole.

P.S. Mrs Sole doesn't know anything of this as I'm hoping to suprise her when I'm fully kitted out, so "mum's the word"!

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Dr. OM Dreadnought
Date: 22 Feb 03 - 09:42 AM

Dear Guy in the Brown Suit,

I will have to give your particular affliction a little more consideration before I can recommend a course of treatment. However, in the meantime, may I suggest that you scour the Salvation Army, Goodwill and similar thrift stores and bargain centers in your area for brown suits in your size. They are full of them. You will find that it is far less expensive to purchase donated brown suits from such charitable organizations than it is to have your existing suits dry-cleaned. When you feel that any of the suits are in need of cleaning, simply donate them back to the stores from which you purchased them. They will clean them before putting them out for sale and you may repurchase them far more cheaply than you could have had them cleaned yourelf.

Sincerely,

Dr. OM Dreadnought

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Dr. OM Dreadnought
Date: 22 Feb 03 - 10:01 AM

Dear R. Sole,

You are absolutely correct in stating that, in seeking to procure a heavy metal guitar, one should shy away from lead guitars. For that matter, one should also avoid mercury guitars and any others made of metals of known toxicity. A uranium guitar would be a possibility. Continuous playing would eventually allow one to glow in the dark, which would be a very interesting stage effect. Unfortunately, it would be likely to attract the attention of Mr. Tom Ridge of the Department of Homeland Security and result in your spending an uncomfortable afternoon answering questions posed to you by men wearing brown suits. Another alternative would be a gold guitar, gold being extremely heavy. The drawback would be that a solid gold electric guitar would cost more than a vanload of D'Angelico New Yorkers pulling a trailerful of prewar Martins behind it.

An inexpensive alternative to a true heavy metal guitar would be one made of reinforced concrete. It would certainly be heavy, and the imbedded steel reinforcing rods would qualify it as being metal.

As to "shredding", the best way to achieve this effect is to go to a local home center or hardware store and procure a chipper-shredder designed to shred limbs and other lawn debris. Such devices provide a satisfying sonic background when allowed to simply idle on stage. But when you rev one up and shove a Gibson Les Paul down its throat it will emit a scream that will drive a rock audience into ecstasy. I would not recommend feeding your reinforced concrete guitar to the shredder unless you have obtained the very heaviest-duty model available.

Sincerely,

Dr. OM Dreadnought

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Dustin
Date: 24 Feb 03 - 01:38 AM

Dear Dr. Guitar,

I'm surprised that my problem hasn't come up in your column yet, but I know there are many others out there with my problem. I've been told I should learn some "bar chords." Why are my current chords insufficient (I know four, so I have everything you need for any song plus a spare in case one of the others breaks)? In any case, I have a bar gig coming up so can you tell me exactly which ones work in bars? A friend tried to tell me it was a different kind of chord that involved "barring" all the strings across one fret, but I tried laying a bar across the frets (I had an old piece of rebar laying around) and found it was all nonsense.

Please help ASAP--I will be playing with a bebop band in a bar this weekend and will need some bar chords by then. (I dunno what kind of music that is, but with such a stupid name it must be pretty stupid music--I figure I'll only need one, two chords max.)

Thanks,

C.L.Uless

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Dr. OM Dreadnought
Date: 24 Feb 03 - 12:17 PM

Dear C.L. Uless,

You are absolutely correct that there is an entirely different set of chords known as "bar chords" used specifically for playing in bars. They differ from conventional chords in that they allow one to maintain a vice-like grip on one's guitar while playing. This is particularly advantageous when playing in a bar and some drunk jack-ass dick-weed attempts to snatch one's guitar out of one's hand so he can play "Sweet Home Alabama".

"Bar chords" should not be confused with "barre chords". "Barre chords" are to be used exclusively while providing music for ballet dancers who are practicing at the barre. For optimum effect, barre chords should be played while standing on one's tiptoes and wearing skimpy, revealing, clingy, filmy diaphanous costumes that reveal every.......

Pardon me. Doctor Dreadnought must go take a cold shower now.

Sincerely,

Dr. OM Dreadnought

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Old Pro
Date: 24 Feb 03 - 02:06 PM

CAUTION! CAUTION! CAUTION! Remember that when using "bar" chords and "barre" chords some deviant will more than likely try to slip in "barred" chords. NEVER try to play "barred" chords. These outlawed sounds are only used in dark secret places and always by those "under the influence". Young virginal girls should never be in the same room if you should slip. Their cherries will POP! And that is not a pretty sight because they will slip into a life of degradation and cigatette smoking almost immediately. BE CAREFUL!

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: Dr. Guitar
Date: 06 Jun 03 - 08:31 PM

Well...it's gratifying and most kind that the obliging Mr Hardly has taken up the challenge during the questioning of the existance or not of Dr. or Mr. Guitar. And also the excellent medical work by my colleague O.M.Dreadnought.

In fact Dr. Guitar is very much alive and well and has never actually left this forum. Dr. Guitar is indeed a real person and this mail is from the real Dr. Guitar just to prove the point. It is just that poor Dr. Guitar was so overwhemed by the suffering encountered by his patients here at the Mudcat that he, i.e my good self, had to take a sabbatical for extra specialist training needed to service his trusting and needy patients.

Indeed, some of the suffering has been so intense, and I think back on poor Ebbie especially and her tendancy to look at Advanced Jazz Guitar sites despite my fervent attempts to persuade her otherwise, that I have been emotionally exhausted. But now I am back and am much refreshed and ready to be of service again. Indeed, as the more assiduous of you will observe, I am no longer even a "guest"!

So thank you, in my absence, to the sterling work put in especially by the dedicated Mr Hardly and my esteemed colleague, Dr O.M. Dreadnought. Indeed, both skilled colleagues are cordially invited to be part of the new clinic, such seems to be the workload at St. Mudcat's Hospital for Sick Instruments.

Looking forward to being of service once again.

May I immediately start my renewed work with a plea to dear forlorn Ebbie.

PLEASE do not look at the following site:

Certain things reserved for C-flat, Dr. Guitar, Mr. R Fielding and Mr. J Picka, Mr. Hardly and Dr. O.M.Dreadnought and definitely NOT to be looked at by Ebbie

Yours very truly,

Dr. Guitar

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 06 Jun 03 - 08:58 PM

Greetings, Dr. Guitar,

I am currently employed as an assistant to Dr. OM Dreadnought. Dr. Dread, as he sometimes calls himself, cannot personally reply to your post because there is currently a rash of cookie problems on the 'Cat and he doesn't want to ditch my cookie and not be able to get it back and make me have to be a GUEST. Anyway, Dr. Dread says, "That is the most exquisite example of unintelligible musical obfuscation I have ever seen. The author is to be congratulated."

Please note that Dr. D's comments are not my own. Personally, I've always thought that the term "9th chord" automatically implied the presence of the dominant 7th in the chord structure and the term "7-9" is a bit redundant. If the 9th is present in the chord without the dominant 7th it is generally called "add 9". The chord represented by X02200 or, in another voicing, 577400 is "A add 9" and is just a lovely-sounding chord.

Oh, my God! I think I may have inadvertently posted a serious musical observation to this thread. Please pardon me. I don't know what I was thinking.

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: Dr. Guitar
Date: 06 Jun 03 - 09:08 PM

Dear Bee-dubya-ell,

Indeed you are not to be pardoned, but rather praised for your erudite observations that will undoubtedly contribute towards Ebbie's gradual rehabilitation into polite folk society!

But best to whisper these things in future...just in case...!

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Guitar

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Clammy Sammy
Date: 07 Jun 03 - 02:19 AM

Dear Dr. G.,

Almost immediately after I change my strings on my guitar they sound like spaghetti. This probably due to the perspiration that my hands exude and the acids or other toxic substancs within. Is there an alternative short of sweat gland surgery that I could explore to curb my acid grip, some sort of prophylactic for my fingertips perhaps?

Clammy Sammy

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Finance Seer
Date: 07 Jun 03 - 03:23 AM

Dear Dr Guitar

As I am not Ebbie, Dr Gutiar and so on I was not sure if I was allowed to look at THAT site - so I did.

It talks about 'a run of F chords'. I am familiar with 'runs on the dollar' and this site, for example, says that a serious run on the dollar could have severe impact on the American Economy.

I am concerned that a run on the F chord might do something similar musically. Can you reassure me?

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: Ebbie
Date: 07 Jun 03 - 11:36 AM

Oh, dear. Oh, dear, oh dear... I really would like to go to that site. A run on the F chord sounds just up my alley.

(I am willing to delay my cure for a short period of time in order to see the site. Please advise.)

Ebbie Alona Lott

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 07 Jun 03 - 03:32 PM

Dear Clammy Sammy,

Dr. Dread has asked me to pass this suggestion to you:

There is really nothing you can do to prevent the sweat problem. However, if, as you state, your strings "sound like spaghetti" shortly after changing them, you may want to consider just stringing your guitar with spaghetti instead. Why pay $5.00 to $15.00 US for a set of strings that are going to sound like pasta in just a few hours? Just go to the grocery strore and buy boxes of several different thicknesses of spaghetti noodles. Try angel hair pasta for the treble strings, vermicelli for the mids and regular spaghetti for the bass strings. A one pound box of each will allow you to change your strings daily for a year at a total cost of less than $3.00 US. And, you can donate your used strings to the local food bank or soup kitchen.

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: Dr. Guitar
Date: 08 Jun 03 - 05:39 AM

Dear Finance Seer,

You are, of course, quite right and a run on the F could spell trouble for chord banks everywhere not to mention speech and literature in general.

Let me try and illustrate with a legal example:

Consider the following short extract from the transcript of the George Carlin monologue at issue in the Supreme Court case of FCC v. Pacifica Foundation. In this case there has been a run on all the Fs...

uck (laughter) Good word. Kind of a proud word, too. Who are you? I am UCK. (laughter) UCK OF THE MOUNTAIN. (laughter) Tune in again next week to UCK OF THE MOUNTAIN. (laughter) It's an interesting word too, [']cause it's got a double kind of a lie -- personality -- dual, you know, whatever the right phrase is. It leads a double lie, the word uck. Irst of all, it means, sometimes, most o the time, uck. What does it mean? It means to make love. Right? We're going to make love, yeh, we're going to uck, yeh, we're going to uck, yeh, we're going to make love. (laughter) we're really going to uck, yeah, we're going to make love. Right? And it also means the beginning o lie, it's the act that begins lie, so there's the word hanging around with words like love, and lie, and yet on the other hand, it's also a word that we really use to hurt each other with, man. It's a heavy. It's one that you have toward the end o the argument. (laughter) Right? (laughter) You inally can't make out. Oh, uck you man. I said, uck you. (laughter, murmur) Stupid uck. (laughter) Uck you and everybody that looks like you. (laughter) man. It would be nice to change the movies that we already have and substitute the word uck or the word kill, wherever we could, and some o those movie cliches would change a little bit. Maduckers still on the loose. Stop me beore I uck again. Uck the ump, uck the ump, uck the ump, uck the ump, uck the ump.

What is clear here is that there would be no legal case for Mr Carlin to answer had ther been a run on the Fs.

Consider also that we would not have Eminem, Dr. Dre (no relation so far as I am aware nor to Dr. Dreadnought unless he is moonlighting) and 50 cents, should there be a run on the F.

So having reconsidered, my Dear Ebbie Alona Lott, it wouldn't, in this specific case, be too bad at all for you to take a (careful) peek at that F site, provided that you only look and do not touch. The latter action is safer in the hands of trained professionals such as myself and those previously mentioned.

With my most sincere regards,

Dr. Guitar

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: Dr. Guitar
Date: 08 Jun 03 - 05:53 AM

Dear Clammy Sammy,

Bee-dubya-ell has passed on good information from Dr O.M. Dreadnought (aka Dr. Dread).

Perhaps I should add that the most widely preferred spaghetti amongst the clammy player is Essalungha....cooked slightly "al dente" as this will help to soak up excess humidity.

There is another, less elegant, solution. This is to cut the fingers out of a pair of medical gloves, powder-free if you are sensitized to latex, and to affix these to the relevant digits. Alternatively, you make use alternative prophylactic devices so deployed and, if this is the lubricated type, you may be able to save of the cost of coated strings. The small terminal teats will also act as reservoirs for your sweat. Please do not use vaseline on your strings as the sweat reservoirs may be more prone to bursting. Use, rather and if necessary, a suitable water-based lubricant.

I contra-indicate the old-fashioned, country practice of plunging your hands into caustic soda prior to performance, even though this may be deemed "traditional folk", as the effect is short-lived and may, during a longer performance actually prove to be counter-productive.

Yours very sincerely,

Dr. Guitar

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: John Hardly
Date: 08 Jun 03 - 10:09 AM

I'm so pleased to see that I no longer need fret the early retirement of Dr. Guitar -- that his "no F's barred, archtop-notch advice can still strike a chord with us here at the mudcat.

This question has been weighing heavily on me for some time now...

to flux or not to flux?

When you guys are repairing your broken strings for further use, do you use a flux, or do you just sand the end of the strings and weld them "as is". Does flux make a better joint? Which method, in the end, will give better tone? Do you get your bass player to hold the two ends together as you arc-weld the string?

I would also like to share this bit of advice I ran across. It may come in handy to some of you pickers out there. Remember...

A sharp saddle tortex nut.

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Ben Downsolong
Date: 08 Jun 03 - 05:01 PM

Dear Dr. Guitar,
I was so impressed that one who posts to the humble Mudcat has actually attained status with Eric Clapton, Peter Rowan, Gene Autry, et. al. by having a Martin Guitar signature model. I went right out and purchased the Martin DR Guitar to add to my collection. Alas, when I got home I realized that the 14th fret did not have your signature inlaid into it as is the case with my other signature modedl Martins. I was wondering if you could possibly post a downloadable template of your signature along with instructions on how best to perform the inlay procedure. As to materials, I was thinking that mother-of-pearl is just too passe for one of your stature. I was thinking of maybe using some of that cool marble-looking plastic stuff that is on my accordian. (Some friends have referred to it as "mother-of-toilet seat). I have plenty of it around as others have a tendency to want to reduce my accordians to splinters.
I also was impressed by your insightful advice regarding the footwear problem of many mudcatters. I went out and purchased a matching set of your C.F, Martin signature guitars, loosened the strings ever-so-slightly, slightly enlarged the sound holes, and man have I caused a stir in the footwear fashion circles of my little town. Everybody loves my new Doc Martins!
Sincerely,
Ben Downsolong.

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: Dr. Guitar
Date: 08 Jun 03 - 06:43 PM

Dear Mr Hardly,

First may I heartily thank you for "holding the fort" as they say during my recent absence.

Unfortunately with so-called "progress" in string making, many strings are now very hard to weld due to the strange exotic alloys that they contain together with the unfortunate tendancy to "wind" them with even more exotic non-ferrous alloys. The latest "innovation", i.e. that of coating the strings with some sort of what I understand to be clothing material, unfortunately leaves a completely gooey mess which is most unpleasant on the fingers.

Fortunately, there is an easy solution. You can string your guitar with special "welding wire" which already comes coated with copper or another alloy of your preferred choice. These wires can have a tensile strength of 70,000 lbs or more which should be strong enough for even high tunings (take care against overtuning due to the current fad of "scalloped braces" which may fail during the process allowing your trousers to fall down) and come in a convenient range of diameters in bulk coils, which should save a lot on those highly expensive little packets with short lengths of string that seem to be all the rage these days. If you do want to spend that little bit more, you can buy a flux-cored variety which should answer your technical question.

A point of caution: welding is a dangerous process requiring skill. You should not risk your bass player's well-being. It is essential to take the entire assembly to an experienced welder and to use a specialist non-musician such as a drummer to hold the loose ends. Also please be careful when working with a dobro in case you should inadvertently weld the strings to the resonator.

I do hope this helps!

Yours most sincerely,

Dr. Guitar

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: Dr. Guitar
Date: 08 Jun 03 - 07:10 PM

Dear Ben Downsolong,

I can do better that that and post my signature right here! Here it is:

X

Being a complex signature such as it is, the normal carving or Dremel tools may be difficult to utilise. Fortunately help is close at hand and you may use a minature branding iron. The following shows such a procedure in use (WARNING: NOT FOR THE FAINT-HEARTED) and, indeed, you can see that the craftsman has not only used my signature but has further personalized it, which you may also wish to consider for your fine instrument:

Inlaying your signature

I do quite agree with you! Mother of Pearl and abalone are not only passe but toxic as well. Mother-of-toilet-seat is a wonderful material for guitars...consider the fine appearance of the following:

Lovely Mother-of-toilet seat work

If it is good enough for Bukka White it should be good enough for anyone! Also the finest contemporary instrument makers are turning back to this wonderful material:

Just look here!

Good luck in your endeavours. By the way I also wear Docs like you!

Yours truly,

Dr. Guitar

Subject: RE: BS: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: Dr. Guitar
Date: 08 Jun 03 - 07:18 PM

Dear Friends and Patients,

In the interests of Health and Efficiency, why do we not continue

over here

At your service always!

Yours truly,

Dr. Guitar

---

I closed this thread in an attempt to avoid splitting the discussion. Please post over here. If the Good Doctor wants to start a new thread, it's OK with me. I moved the threads out of the "BS" section, though - these threads are fun, but they certainly aren't non-music.
Thanks.
-Joe Offer-

Subject: RE: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,bob
Date: 06 Nov 03 - 12:10 PM

Can you give me some advice on learning to play a musical instroment. i need at least 6 bullets, i'm doing a school project. I need to find it off the internet and not from my own experience. so please?

Subject: RE: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: Dr. Guitar
Date: 06 Nov 03 - 12:57 PM

Guest,bob wrote over on the old thread:

Can you give me some advice on learning to play a musical instroment. i need at least 6 bullets, i'm doing a school project. I need to find it off the internet and not from my own experience. so please

Well, Dear Bob, it's so good to be called "into action" action after so long. Indeed, I have never been away but the Good People of The Mudcat Cafe do not seem to have been suffering so much of late (apart from my dear friend Ebbie who must continue not to look at those websites.

My first recommendation would be to give those bullets, should you ever recieve them, to a responsible and properly qualified adult as these are not items that should be in the hands of a school student!

As for your query, I shall be serious for once:

- consider whether you wish to play alone, in a small group or an orchestra. Do you wish to accompany singing or are you more into instrumental works? This will help define the type of instrument you should take up as some naturally lend themselves to solo playing whilst others are definitely "ensemble" instruments

- consider the genre of music you are most interested in. Is it folk or blues, in which case the good people of this website are a wonderful source of advice? Or classical? Or pop or rock? Or some other genre? Depending on the answer, there are numerous sites on the internet packed with good advice.

- remember always that an instrument can be hard to play at the beginning. This is a period we have all gone through and you must be prepared to stick with it and practice in order to overcome those initial difficulties. Which you surely will if you are determined to.

- try to find fellow students with similar interests. Music is a tremendously sociable activity and I have found it has led to many and lasting friendships.

- while you can always "teach yourself" (and many successful musicians have) do consider finding a good teacher for your instrument of choice...and one you can develop a good working rapport with.

- here is a nice site about different types of musical instruments and here is another more general one about different aspects of learning music. I hope that you may find these helpful.

Don't hesitate to post back and let us know how you are getting on.

Yours most sincerely,

Dr. Guitar

Subject: RE: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: Dr. Guitar
Date: 06 Nov 03 - 01:10 PM

Dear Guest,bob

You'll now find me in this thread over here!

Perhaps a Good Mudelf or Joeclone could therefore archive this thread?

Many thanks and yours most sincerely,

Dr. Guitar

Subject: RE: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST
Date: 21 Nov 03 - 02:24 PM

Hey I just got a gutiar and i need help. When you play what strings do you hit?

Subject: RE: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Brian
Date: 05 Feb 04 - 07:38 PM

hey, i've been playin for about a year now and i think i'm progressing real good, but i don't really know too much about the world of guitar, let me explain that, i can't pronounce guitar companies and feel like a retard when i do.....can you help me out? thanks, and if u can, contact me at [e-mail]   with subject as "Guitar" so i don't discard it with all the ridiculous junk mail i receive.....thanks alot for hearin me out...

Subject: RE: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: Kaleea
Date: 06 Feb 04 - 03:28 AM

Dere Dr. Gee-tar,
   uh, & Brian--I cain't pruh-nownss yore name too good! But at leest my spellin iz akkyerate.
But I dye-gress! uh, Dr. Gee-tar, I iz wonderin' about hows come yew ain't a been with us fer sich a long time now? Hows come iz that? Whut have yew been up tew? Have yew been helpin' some o' them thar "ree-tardz" git ther gee-tar problemz figgered out? Pleeze let us'nz here at this here Mudkat kaffee place know whut yew've been a doin' with yerself fer the past few munths. We'unz has shorely misst yew & yore helpfull self.
   Dr. Gee-tar, iz yew out thar?
       yore dere frindz at this here Mudkat place,
            (signt) us'nz

Subject: RE: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Alan Miller
Date: 18 Apr 04 - 05:00 PM

Is there a resource where I could find Martin or Fender light guitar picks in bulk? It gets expensive and frustrating purchasing them just a few at a time from music stores. Thank you!

Subject: RE: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: C-flat
Date: 19 Apr 04 - 09:21 AM

There are currently some here on E-Bay.

Subject: RE: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: GUEST,Alona Lott
Date: 20 Apr 04 - 01:35 AM

Greetings from the far north! I have been traveling and haven't had the opportunity to read the web sites forbidden me so I'm feeling most virtuous. I must say, though, that I can't really tell where one is supposed to post- have we gone to another thread or NOT?

I'm happy to report that my finger problem has resolved itself; please accept my heartfelt thanks.

However, I do have a serious question. I spent the last week at a music festival. (It was very enjoyable, and I may take up a new career to be known as a'folkfestie'.)

But I overheard an intriguing comment from a young mandolin player to a slightly-older banjo player, with whom he was attempting to play. The banjo player asks, What key are you playing in?
Mando player: Hmmmmm. Not one really; just regular.

My question is, What are 'regular' keys? Is it possible for me to learn them by myself or do I need a teacher?

(Keep n mind that my band hasn't paid me in some time, so finances are temporarily somewhat short.

Thank you in advance.
A L

Subject: RE: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: Dr. Guitar
Date: 20 Apr 04 - 02:32 PM

My dear esteemed patients!

Indeed my medical services have not been called upon for some time which of course is a source of great joy to me since I must deduce from that that all is well in Mudcatland!

I am of course on call at all times as usual and more than willing to assist, even with the most intractable and persistent problem. Indeed, it is just as well that Mr Miller posted here as I have been monitoring my waiting room over in this thread. Now that I know that some patients are coming in through the fire exit I shall of course be looking into both waiting rooms.

Unfortunately, I am between calls at the moment. I have just come back from a trip from Seville where my urgent attendance was needed by a rather desperate group of flamenco guitarists. And tomorrow night I must depart for a short trip to Estonia where some needy musicians from that ex-Soviet state urgently require my assistance with their instruments before their celebratory concerts marking their accession to the European Union on 1 May. However, by the weekend I shall be back in my surgery and will be working hard to answer each and every query and request for therapy that you have all so kindly endowed upon me.

My dear C-flat! I am most indebted to you for providing locum assistance during my absence on international call!

Dear Alona Lott... I can hardly express my joy on news of the full recovery of your digit! You are so very worthy in not visiting those forbidden sites...this requires great strength of character and you have demonstrated that you possess this in abundance.

Your question is a most serious one and I will be considering this while administering to the needy in Estonia in order to give you the best possible answer upon my return.

Yours most sincerely,

Dr. Guitar

Subject: RE: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: Dr. Guitar
Date: 19 May 04 - 10:10 AM

Dear Alona Lott,

You will no doubt be pleased to learn that I am no back in my surgery after sabbatical leave abroad and ready to answer both your and other patient's questions.

This matter of "regular" keys appears nearly every day, sometimes several times a day. As you have observed mandolin players, in particular, have a habit of being "regular" and it could indeed be something to do with all their chops. Also the banjo player's question indicates that he is mildly irregular and, indeed, this may be verified by close observation of either this individual or, indeed, any available banjo player.

I do believe that you can instinctively learn "regular keys" like the mandolinist. I think the real secret here is to know and to understand which keys are the constipated ones.

Bb is definitely a conspitated key and recent astronomical observations have indicated that it is universally so. Eb is also fairly constipated. You may verify this for yourself by viewing footage on the newsreel of jazz musicians. Notice how hard the brass players are straining to get a note from their instrument with their cheeks bloated and their eyes popping?

If you particularly avoid these highly constipated keys, and possibly also Ab and F which also have a tendancy towards compaction, then you will almost certainly find that you are "regular" and will be the friend of manolin players everywhere. Possibly the banjo player made this remark as the mandolin player may have been playing in a non-constipated key other than the midly irregular G, which is particularly reserved for banjo players.

I know this is a long explanation but, Dear Alona, I hope very much it will help you work things out.

Yours most sincerely,

Dr. Guitar

Subject: RE: Ask Dr. Guitar
From: Dr. Guitar
Date: 19 May 04 - 10:19 AM

My Dear Patients,

As I have now reached 100 and in order to keep the elders of the Mudcat Cafe in good spirits, why do we not continue

Over here?

With very best regards,

Dr. Guitar