Bawdy Limericks [1]

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: GUEST,GODFATHER
Date: 16 Apr 10 - 07:00 PM

A DAGO NAMED TONY BALDINI
WAS HUNG WITH THE TINIEST WEENIE
HIS DICK WAS SO SMALL
IT WAS SCARCE THERE AT ALL
BUT HIS 13 INCH TONGUE WAS A MEANIE

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Midchuck
Date: 22 Mar 10 - 08:19 PM

The young British mage, Harry Potter
Though brilliant, was sort of a rotter
And especially fond
Of using his wand
To impregnate some muggle's poor daughter.

Peter

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Joe_F
Date: 22 Mar 10 - 04:23 PM

There was once a young lady named Alice,
Who frightfully misused a chalice,
    But it is my belief
    It was done for relief,
And not from sectarian malice.

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Bryn Pugh
Date: 22 Mar 10 - 10:27 AM

A certain young lady called Alice
Used to think of her c*nt as a chalice.
One night, in the nude
She awoke, feeling lewd
And there in her chalice - a phallus.

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 22 Mar 10 - 01:51 AM

There was a young man called Jack Bosham,
Who took out his balls for to wash 'em,
His mother said Jack !
If you don't put 'em back,
I'll tread on the buggers and squash 'em.

Dave H

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Greg B
Date: 21 Mar 10 - 09:27 PM

There once was a couple named Kelly
What were forced to lie belly to belly
Because in their haste
They got library paste
Instead of petroleum jelly

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Greg B
Date: 21 Mar 10 - 09:26 PM

There once was a girl from Darjeeling
Who pasted her tits to the ceiling
With a terrible sound
She crashed to the ground
But now I hear they are healing

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: GUEST,angrycow
Date: 21 Mar 10 - 11:26 AM

there once was a man from madras
whose balls were made out of brass
in stormy weather
they clanged together
and sparks came out of his arse

~cheers

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Sandy Mc Lean
Date: 13 Mar 10 - 07:36 PM

I think that I have already posted this on another thread but my favourite is:

There was a young lady from Thrace
Who's corset grew too tight to lace
Says her mother to Nellie
There's more in your belly
Than ever went in through your face

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Joe_F
Date: 13 Mar 10 - 06:30 PM

There once was a monk in Siberia,
Whose morals were rather inferior.
    He did with a nun
    What he shouldn't have done,
And now she's a mother -- superior.

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: bseed(charleskratz)
Date: 12 Mar 10 - 08:12 PM

There was a young man from Kilkankie
Who gathered his sperm in a hankie
Which he placed on a seat
Female organ to meet
He's now known as Spiritus Sankie

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Joe_F
Date: 12 Mar 10 - 07:41 PM

There was once a young belle of old Natchez
Whose garments were always in patchez.
    When comment arose
    On the state of her clothes,
She drawled "Where Ah itchez, Ah scratchez". -- Ogden Nash

To succeed in the brothels of Smyrna,
One must always begin as a learner.
    Indentured at six
    As a greaser of pricks,
One may rise to be fitter and turner.

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Allen in Oz
Date: 12 Mar 10 - 01:54 AM

A mathematician named Hall
Had a hexahedronical ball
And the cube of its weight
Times his penis plus eight
Is his phone number...give him a call !


There was a young girl from Darjeeling
Who danced with plenty of feeling
Not a sound could be heard
Not a voice , not a word
But the fly buttons hitting the ceiling.

AD

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Joe_F
Date: 11 Mar 10 - 08:46 PM

I once had a handsome dalmatian,
A canine of high social station.
    He was found in a ditch
    With -- I won't say a *****,
But -- a person of no reputation.

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: dombonito
Date: 11 Mar 10 - 09:24 AM

There was a young harlot named Jenny,
Whose regular fee was a penny.
For half of that sum
You could fondle her bum,
a source of amusement for many.

There was a young sailor named Bates,
Who was very proficient on skates.
But a fall on his cutlass
Rendered him nutless
Now he's practically useless on dates.

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Neil D
Date: 10 Mar 10 - 10:55 PM

Here's a few.

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Joe_F
Date: 10 Mar 10 - 05:52 PM

Said Einstein, "I have an equation
That some may think quite Rabelaisian:
    Let V be virginity,
    Approaching infinity,
And P be a constant persuasion.

"Let P over V be inverted.
Let P into V be inserted.
    It seems clear to me
    That the outcome will be
A relative," Einstein asserted.

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: bseed(charleskratz)
Date: 10 Mar 10 - 05:35 PM

My back aches, my penis is sore:
I really can't fuck any more.
I'm covered with sweat
And you haven't come yet
And my God, it's a quarter to four!

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: GUEST,Perry H
Date: 10 Mar 10 - 04:00 PM

A horny New York girl named
Alice,
Used a dynamite stick for a phallis,
They found her vagina in South Carolina,
And part of her hymen in Dallas.

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 20 Jan 10 - 12:46 AM

Oh well, I might as well join in...

On the breast of a harlot named Gail
Was tattooed the price of her tail.
And on her behind
For the use of the blind
Was the same information in Braille


There once was a harlot named Rhoda
Who dwelt in a spacious pagoda
And festooned the walls
Of the halls with the balls
And the tools of the fools who bestrode her.


The once was a lass named Bathsheba
Who slept with a German amoeba
Who would writhe on her belly
In a petulant jelly
And soulfully murmur, "Ich Liebe"

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: GUEST,ARCE
Date: 19 Jan 10 - 09:31 PM

The was a young man from Racine
who invented a jackoff machine.
On the 23rd stroke
the damn thing, it broke
and beat his poor rod to a creme.

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: GUEST,ARCE
Date: 19 Jan 10 - 09:26 PM

There once was a hermit named Dave
who kept a dead whore in his cave.
Tho, gross, he admits
cause she smells just like shit.
But think of the money he'll save.

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Bryn Pugh
Date: 12 Jan 10 - 10:59 AM

A certain young lady named Dodd
Thought that babies all came from God.

It wasn't the Almighty
Who lifted her nightie
But Roger the lodger - the sod !

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: bubblyrat
Date: 12 Jan 10 - 09:41 AM

Like "MtheGM ", I often find non-bawdy ones to be both clever and funny,viz;
       The Chief Stewardess of a Boeing,
       When asked "Which way are we going ?"
         Said "Our navigator
         is joining us later ;
         'til then,we have no way of knowing ".

But to return to the essence of the thread--

          A young Upper-yardman from Wales,
          was an expert at pissing in gales;
          he could piss in a jar,
            from the Topgallant spar,
          without even wetting the sails.

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: GUEST,Johnny B
Date: 12 Jan 10 - 08:38 AM

There is a young lady called Bex
A fine example of the opposite sex
She's tall slim and curvy
She makes men turn pervy
And wow what a great pair of pex!

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 03 Jan 10 - 10:28 AM

Explorers out in Peru,
Sent home for two punts and a canoe,
The answer next day,
Said, girls on the way,
But what the hell's a PANOE ?

Dave H

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 02 Jan 10 - 03:44 PM

Can I post a non-bawdy one, please, that happens to be my favourite limerick? It was composed by a very brilliant pupil I had who was founder/secretary of the school Astronomical Society for their magazine, which natch he also edited, in my long-ago [retired 25 yrs since] teaching days.

Apollo to Mission Control:
We are almost in reach of our goal —
But this reading of G
Seems excessive to me
And I think we are near a black

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: catspaw49
Date: 02 Jan 10 - 02:58 PM

Bawdy Limericks are surely not art
There is nothing to set them apart
You can't be a Bard
'Cause it ain't too damn hard
To rhyme tits, cocksucker, and fart.


Spaw

Subject: Perkins, a Lad
From: GUEST,Clare, guest
Date: 02 Jan 10 - 02:37 PM

Does anyone know the source of this one?

There was a young lad named Perkins
Addicted to jerkin his gherkin
His mother said Perkins
Quit jerkin your gherkin
Your gherkin's for firkin not jerkin

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Joe_F
Date: 27 Oct 09 - 04:20 PM

There once was a girl from Peru,
Who had nothing whatever to do,
    So she sat on the stairs
    And counted **** hairs --
Nine thousand, eight hundred, and two.

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: GUEST,shadow
Date: 26 Oct 09 - 08:29 PM

there once was a man from nantucket
who dreamt he was fucking a bucket
so he humped and he humped
then something went thump
he woke to find that he did suck it.

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: GUEST,Young Buchan
Date: 21 Oct 09 - 06:21 AM

There was a young man of Nepal
Who didn't like women at all
So he buggered a yak
An old man in a mac
And the nephew of General De Gaulle

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Hollowfox
Date: 20 Oct 09 - 07:39 PM

Two from my father:

There was a young woman named Wylde
Who kept herself quite undefiled
By thinking of Jesus
Contageous diseases
And the bother of having a child.

There was a young woman from Thrace
Whose corset was quite hard to lace
Her mother said, "Nelly
There's more in your belly
Than ever went in through your face."

And one from the after-hours singaround at the 8th Step Coffeehouse, all those years ago:

There was a young fellow named Dice
Who remarked, They say bigamy's nice.
Even two is a bore -
I prefer three or four,
For the plural of spouse it is spice."

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Joe_F
Date: 20 Oct 09 - 06:28 PM

Songbob: That last one continues:

Now, that bishop was nobody's fool.
He'd been to divinity school.
    So he hauled down his breeches
    And screwed those two witches
With his holy episcopal tool.

Now, one of those girls was named Sue,
And Sue said, when the Bishop got through,
    "The vicar was quicker
    And slicker and thicker
And two inches longer than you."

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Songbob
Date: 20 Oct 09 - 03:13 PM

There once was a man name of Arden,
Who got a blow-job in a garden.
He said, "My dear Flo,
Where does that stuff go?"
And she said, [Gulp!] "Beg pardon?"

There once were two maidens from Birmingham,
And this is the scandal concerning 'em:
They lifted the frock,
And sucked on the cock
Of the Bishop engaged in confirming 'em.


If I can recall any more, I'll post 'em.

Bob

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: GUEST
Date: 20 Oct 09 - 02:14 PM

Four from Norman Douglas, as quoted by Stephen Fry in The Ode Less Travelled:

There was an old fellow of Brest,
Who sucked off his wife with great zest,
Despite her great yowls,
He sucked out her bowels,
And spat them all over her chest.

There was a young man of Nantucket,
Whose prick was so long he could suck it,
He said with a grin,
As he wiped off his chin,
'If my ear were a cunt I could fuck it.'

There was an old man or Corfu,
Who fed upon cunt juice and spew,
When he couldn't get this,
He fed upon piss,
And a bloody good substitute too!

There was an old man of Brienz,
The length of whose cock was immense,
With one swerve he could plug,
A boy's bottom Zug,
And a kitchen-maid's cunt in Koblenz.

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Bryn Pugh
Date: 20 Oct 09 - 10:27 AM

A certain actuary called Paul
- He had a mathematical ball.
The square root of its weight
Was his penis times eight
Plus one third of four fifths of fuck all.

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Smedley
Date: 20 Oct 09 - 09:51 AM

(Possibly here already, haven't read every last offering)


There was a young scholar at King's
Whose mind dwelled on heavenly things
His dearest desire
Was a boy in the choir
With an arse like a jelly on springs

[jelly as in jello, for our American readers]

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Joe_F
Date: 19 Oct 09 - 08:00 PM

There was once a young lady named Sue,
Who preferred a stiff drink to a screw,
    But one leads to the other,
    And now she's a mother --
Let that be a lesson to you!

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Hollowfox
Date: 19 Oct 09 - 05:47 PM

My father always said that there were three kinds of limericks:
1) The kind you can tell to ladies
2) The kind you can tell to clergy
3) Limericks

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: eddie1
Date: 19 Oct 09 - 03:01 AM

There was a young couple from Aberystwyth
Who united the things that they kissed with
But when they got older, they also got bolder
And united the things that they pissed with.

A constable from Clapham Junction
Had a penis that just wouldn't function
For the rest of his life, he excited his wife
With dexterous use of his truncheon.


Eddie

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: GUEST,FART00
Date: 19 Oct 09 - 01:45 AM

THERE ONCE WAS A MAN NAMED McGROOTER
WHO SPIED A YOUNG NUDE AND HE WOOED HER
THE NUDE THOUGHT IT CRUDE TO BE WOOED IN THE NUDE
BUT McGROOTER WAS SHREWDER AND SCREWED HER.

THERE WAS AND OLD MINER NAMED DAVE
WHO FOUND A DEAD WHORE IN A CAVE
SHE HAD ONE TIT
SHE SMELLED LIKE SHIT
BUT JUST THINK OF THE MONEY HE SAVED.

THERE WAS A YOUNG MAN FROM WALES
WHO SUCKED THE SNOT FROM SNAILS
AND WHEN HE'D RUN OUT OF THESE
HE'D EAT THE CHEESE
HE DUG FROM HIS SHORTS WITH HIS NAILS.

THERE WAS A YOUND LADY FROM FRANCE
WHO TOOK A TRAIN BY CHANCE
THE ENGINEER FUCKED HER
AND SO'D THE CONDUCTOR
AND THE BRAKEE SHOT OFF IN HIS PANTS.

THERE WAS AN OLD WHORE FROM McPEET
WHO'S CUNT WAS STILL SUPRISINGLY SWEET
THE YOUNG MEN WOULD JACK OFF
AT THE SIGHT OF HER COIFFE
AND SHOOT LOADS OF CUM AT HER FEET.

RANDY WAS A SHORT LITTLE MIDGET
WHOSE DICK WAS AS SMALL AS HIS FIRST DIDGET
WHEN FACED WITH A LARGE CUNT
THIS INGENIOUS CUNNING YOUNG RUNT
WOULD STICK IN HIS HEAD AND START TO FIDGET.
THIS ONE IS DEDICATED TO MY LITTLE FRIEND RANDY BRADFORD....TOM

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Joe_F
Date: 14 May 09 - 09:28 PM

By chance, there was recently a limerick request on Live Journal, and I posted the following:

You can smoke a symbolic cigar,
You can ride in a long, sexy car,
    But a phallic church steeple,
    To sensible people,
Is stretching the thing rather far.

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: GUEST,Larry The 5th
Date: 14 May 09 - 07:33 PM

This one is an original. May be a new thread, too...

Said a horny young mechanic named Jack,
To a Customer making a living on her back,
"To get your transmission in gear,
I'll trade a head job, My Dear,
Or you wheels will never leave the rack !"

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Joe_F
Date: 05 Nov 08 - 10:00 PM

"For the tenth time, dear Daphnis," said Chloe,
"You have told me my bosom is 'snowy'".
You have wasted much verse on
Each part of my person.
Now do something. That's a good boy!"

(Said to be most women's favorite limerick)

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: bubblyrat
Date: 05 Nov 08 - 06:03 AM

My granny's favourite ;
   
   (sorry if it's on here already---I can't be arsed to check)

               There once was a woman called Hilda,
               Who went for a walk with a builder :
                She said that she would,
                And he could,and he should,
                So he did---and it bloody near killed her.

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Joe_F
Date: 04 Nov 08 - 08:30 PM

Aliter:

There was once a young fellow of Brighton,
Who thought he'd at last found a tight one.
Said he, "Ah, my love,
It fits like a glove",
But she said, "You're not in the right one."

*

A lovely young lady of Chichester
Made even the saints in their niches stir,
And one morning at matins
Her breasts 'neath their satins
Made the bishop of Chichester's breeches stir.

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Bob Hitchcock
Date: 04 Nov 08 - 01:44 PM

There once was a man fron Dajeeling,
Who rode on the bus to Ealing,
A sign on the door
Said "Don't piss on the floor"
So he stood up and pissed on the Ceiling.

old one I fear.

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: GUEST,A non
Date: 04 Nov 08 - 11:57 AM

There once was a young man from Brighton
Who said to his gal "You've a tight un"
She said " 'pon my soul
You've got the wrong hole
There's plenty of room in the right un"

Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks
From: Leadfingers
Date: 04 Nov 08 - 11:33 AM

All I can say is :-

God's plan made a hopeful beginning
But man went and spoiled it by sinning
We trust that the story
Will end in God's Glory
But at present the other side's winning