 sj |
||
|
||
Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart?
|
|
|
Subject: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: Rita64 Date: 06 Jun 99 - 09:50 PM Last Tuesday my first love told me (over the phone!) that he does not want a relationship but still "cares" for me. Guys, kindly enlighten me - why are some men so afraid of being close to someone? This man is devoid of emotion methinks. He is irritatingly cerebral and logical ... I have been enjoying (ha!) the opportunity to artistically exploit my battered emotions ... singing my lungs out, dancing until exhausted, banging on the bodhran ... anything to expel the nervous energy. Tell me Mudcatters, what is your remedy for a broken heart? Please put some polish and shine this rusty old day for me ... |
|
Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: marlor Date: 06 Jun 99 - 10:02 PM Hi: Gee I'm sorry to hear that. Afraid I can't help you though. I know it sounds trite, it'll take time. You will feel better. I got over my borken heart by looking ahead. I had a job search to do, and a trip to plan. Ee gads. That was 10 yhears ago. |
|
Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: campfire Date: 06 Jun 99 - 10:07 PM Well, Fair YoungMaid, I could tell you the number of times I heard that same line. I used to think it was written somewhere on the top of my head, where I couldn't see it, but anyone who kissed me goodnight a few times couldn't miss it. "I'll always cherish your friendship, (I just don't feel the same way you do)" Yes, I love you, but I'm not "in love" with you. The litany could continue, but then I'd be joining you in the singing, dancing, drum beating "artistry". Being well beyond Fair Young Maidhood myself, I can tell you that life will go on, and there will be another one around the corner or in the sea or, if you're like me, at some music club. (Your mother has already told you all these things, I'm sure) Then some day, you'll see "him" somewhere, and wonder what it was all about, anyway. Well, maybe not. There's a few of mine out there I STILL beat the drum for once in a while. Good luck in your recovery. I understand, even if I can't help. If you find a "cure", pass it on. campfire |
|
Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: manylodges (inactive) Date: 06 Jun 99 - 10:16 PM Time heals all wounds, find another to hold your heart. |
|
Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: bseed(charleskratz) Date: 06 Jun 99 - 10:48 PM Over the past five years my son has introduced us to a couple of his girlfriends--and just as we became fond of them broke off the relationships, saying about the same thing--in both cases he kept getting back together with the women, only to break up again--and again. He's going to the first one's wedding next month...they really have remained good friends; the second, not so friendly a breakup. That's not quite as bad as my nephew who last year suddenly told his wife he was in love with a woman he had communicated with only on the interenet, and moved out the same day, leaving his year old son as well. We continue to have a close relationship with his ex-wife: she and her son spent a weekend with us in May. We haven't had much contact with him, although we include him in our family emails. --seed |
|
Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: MAG (inactive) Date: 06 Jun 99 - 10:58 PM I found a book called *How to fall out of love* useful. One of the many excellent tips was: "Picture him with a shit pie all over his face." It certainly helps dispel any romantic delusions you had left. And David Rae has a song he calls "Quit yer Bitchin.'" Don't know if he's recorded it. -- MA |
|
Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: Lonesome EJ Date: 06 Jun 99 - 11:15 PM First love hurts the worst when it ends. There is the powerful illusion that this is the first and only person for you, if only you could get through to him or her. Be assured that the agony will never again be as great. I guess we develop some callouses on our souls over the years, for better or worse. As we age we abandon many of our illusions, and we love more wisely, but never again with such blind passion. I suggest you write him a letter saying exactly how you feel. You can send it or bury it in a drawer or burn it- but it may give you some clarity. And if you want to talk about it there are many here that care, Fair. LEJ |
|
Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: Neil Lowe Date: 07 Jun 99 - 09:42 AM I read an article a long time ago about the Israeli military and their experiments with allowing women to participate in combat alongside the infantrymen. They had to abandon the idea. Not because the women were not physically and psychologically as capable as the men at bringing about death and destruction to the enemy, but because they found that the men couldn't handle it emotionally. Seems during this period there were higher rates of depression, suicidal tendencies, apathy, mental breakdown, etc. among infantrymen who had witnessed the gruesome death of one of the female soldiers due to land mines, mortar rounds, rifle fire, what have you. All this in an attempt to provide a theory as to why men may be more emotionally "distant," or fear intimacy more than women. Perhaps men can't handle or have experienced one or more times the pain of losing someone close to them and the reaction is to isolate those emotions so they will never be felt again. (Cue talent: "Hi! I'm not a licensed therapist but I play one on TV.") As far as addressing the observation that he's cerebral and logical.....for lack of a better response I'm going to wimp out and take refuge in the "it's genetic" hypothesis. Contrary to popular belief, there are differences among men and women that don't make us unequal, just...different, thankfully. Not that women can't be cerebral and logical, but it seems a lot of times women and men take different paths in certain endeavors to come up with the same solution to a problem. I am fascinated when my wife comes up with a (to me) unique and innovative solution to a problem, a solution that I never would have contemplated. But to her it's the usual way she goes about solving a problem, and she's amazed that I find it so intriguing ("Isn't that the way you do it?" she asks). As far as addressing the subject line of your message: some of "Kentucky's finest" and liberal doses of Hank Williams have worked for me in the past...it's a band-aid solution at best, and not meant as a permanent "cure" for this malady, but it may numb feelings and obliterate memories long enough to figure out something better. Caveat Emptor: I emphasize the operative word "me" in the last statement. Judging from the number of Country&Western songs written on the subject, however, I surmise I'm not the only one has found temporary solace and comfort by drowning one's sorrows. Ultimatey, of course, you have to figure out on your own what works best for you. Good luck. |
|
Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: Alice Date: 07 Jun 99 - 09:56 AM Fair Youngmaid, What we project onto our first really deep romantic love is, for the most part, an illusion of who that person is. We project what we imagine can be possible with that person. (But then, the real person would have to change, wouldn't he?) Most people have felt what your are feeling, and as you get older, you will eventually realize that a more realistic life and love is possible with someone else. What you want is someone who does know that he loves you and isn't afraid to say he wants to be with you, right?? That man is out there, you just haven't met him yet. Learn to be a good, realistic judge of character, and hold out for the man you can respect and with whom you can communicate honestly. Sing alot! Find the lyrics that our ancestors wrote, trying to warn us against these doomed types of relationships. Hang in there, Maid. alice |
|
Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: Bert Date: 07 Jun 99 - 10:14 AM I don't think you do really. You patch it up with songs and friends and work and whiskey and tears and sticky tape and superglue, but the cracks still show now and then. Remember the good times, find some new interests, meet new people. The hurting will fade but it needs to takes time, like any injury it doesn't heal overnight. So take your vitamins, cry your tears, kick the walls and sing some funny songs. Bert. |
|
Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: Peter T. Date: 07 Jun 99 - 10:50 AM Dear FairYoungmaid, well, here is a topic! A few thoughts from someone who has been there, on the other gender side. If what you say is correct, why did you fall for someone who is cerebral and logical, and devoid of emotion? Are you only now discovering this, or is it a projection (or another projection?) A lot of men are jerks, but some of them have difficulties, as has been already eloquently said on this thread, not because they have too little emotion, but because they have too much. If they let it out it would overwhelm them -- some if this is lack of practice!!! Also many men have no middle ground between on and off, and have no experience in ambiguous emotions. Women (IMHExperience) tend to enjoy ambiguous emotions, because they can pick away at them, hold them up to the light, and so on. Do I really feel this, does he really, etc., etc. Men really, really hate doing this! Finally, I think it is very hard to get over first love, and that is because it is for many people (especially today) their first encounter with the spiritual. What first love is often about is that it is the first time that people feel drawn out of themselves and find something more important than themselves in the world. Virtually all pop songs talk about how Nature suddenly appears, the world glows, etc. This is the break out from the self. When it falls apart, the world turns back into mud and a prison, and that is one reason why one gets crushed. Because there is so little religious experience in people's lives (in spite of the noise out there), the feelings of spiritual power have all been channelled into Romantic love. Most of the Romantic love stuff was created in the 12th century in a weird Christian -Arab hybrid called troubadourism and courtly love. It has become saturated throughout our culture. It might be worth looking at what you were seeking in some man. Could any man really be a vehicle for all those urges in your soul? None of this will do much good, but it took your mind off your problem for about two minutes, didn't it? Yours, Peter T. |
|
Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: Steve Latimer Date: 07 Jun 99 - 11:09 AM I was shattered when my twenty year relationship ended. Although the Devil Juice form Scotland was often plied on me by good friends, it was their support, not the Whisky that helped. I found myself repeating almost as a mantra the line form Dylan's Tangled Up In Blue. ... the only thing I knew how to do was to keep on keepin' on... It seems silly now three years later and in another relationship that is working pretty well. She is quite different from my ex, but brings a lot of neat things to the relationship. There are over four billion people in the world, chances you'll find someone more compatible. Keep on Keepin' on. |
|
Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: Fadac Date: 07 Jun 99 - 01:00 PM I understand how you feel. I was "Dear Johned" while in the Service (And in combat at the time). I know you feel llke someone has ripped your guts righ out of you, and left them hanging on a tree. At least that is how I felt then, but I had to stay busy.
So beat the drum, sing the blues, Write some new sad blue tunes. Yell at the plastic plants.
Try someting compleatly differant, take a flying lesson.
Time will be the biggest help.
Fadac |
|
Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: Nan Date: 07 Jun 99 - 01:21 PM I was going to suggest imagine this guy doing disgusting things like picking his nose....but I think the "shit-pie" in his face wins hands down!LOL! TIME is the best healer my frined. The next best thing is to remember, there are LOTS of other men out there! I know it's hard to find a good'un but this guy just wasn't meant to be. There IS a perfect guy out there for you so take a deep breath and get out there looking for him! ALSO, find a date. Doesnt' have to be Mr. Perfect, just a good guy to get your mind off of "shit-pie in face guy" Please remember about re-bounding so you don't just hop into another mess that is not meant to be. But DO get out there and have fun. It's hard. Put him behind you. Burn his photo and promise to forget him and burn him out of your heart. Move on. Did this help? I hope so. Good luck and find the great guy you were meant to be with! By now shit-pie has flies all over his face anyway, you don't want that:) |
|
Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: Uilleand Date: 07 Jun 99 - 01:38 PM Fadac is right do something new. Something you always wanted to do, but never got around to. Something you really would enjoy. Above all pamper yourself. And I don't mean indulging your self pity. But do something nice for yourself. Take at hot bath, read a good book. Depending on your age, have a glass of champagne, light a candle, get a manicure, wear a colorful scarf, change your wardrobe, do whatever pleases you. Become your own best company. Some advice from a friend that has helped me the most: Make a list of all the characteristics you would want in a perfect partner. And then ask yourself this question: Would they date you? Then make another list of the perfect partner for the partner you would like. Focus on that list and become that person. Have faith. He'll find you. |
|
Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: Bill in Alabama Date: 07 Jun 99 - 01:53 PM The first love is unique and special, but I guarantee that it is not necessarily the BEST one. Write a song about the experience, and learn to play guitar to accompany yourself; if nothing else, the pain in your fingertips will distract you from the one in your heart. Use heavy gauge strings. |
|
Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: Matthew B. Date: 07 Jun 99 - 01:55 PM No matter what else you do to get over it (more on that, later), don't make the mistake of skipping over the grieving process first. You've been hurt in a most profound way, at your tenderest inner self. If you deny yourself the healing process, then the scars will be huge. Surround yourself with supportive friends and loved ones, and ask them just to be there for you while you gush out your anger and your pain. YOu don'r really need a slew of advice, because nobody knows how to be you better than you do. Try to avoid the well-intentioned Forget him; I've got somebody better for you and here's his phone number offers for now. It'll only push your real feelings aside with a pleasant (but counter-productive) distraction. You'll know you're ready to start dating again when you can think back on this without any feelings of worthlessness. We often think we "failed" when love ends, and that it would have succeeded if only we were "better" in some way. So, take some deep breaths, feel the pain and process it. Work through it. Then get on with your life. And love will surely find you. |
|
Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: annamill Date: 07 Jun 99 - 02:04 PM Fair Youngmaid, The pain goes away. It takes time, but it goes away. I was married for 17 years. Had my life all planned out. When we were done I felt alone and unprepared to venture out into the world of men again. So, I made the mistake of falling in love, (now I know I actually wasn't in love). He told me he was separated from his wife and until the divorce, we had to keep our relationship secret. Stupid, huh? After about a year of this, I finally told him I was going to start seeing other people and I did. I couldn't get serious because I was too hurt, so I just enjoyed new friends with a variety of backgrounds. I started enjoying the freedom of being single and was very reluctant to give up this freedom. Men have this freedom far more than woman, because we are taught that being close with more than one person meant you were a really bad person. Men can see more than one woman and it is generally accepted. Woman can't, so we don't see the fun men have with variety. I was really reluctant to give up my freedom and make a commitment to any one person...til my honey, Glenn, came along. His love, gentleness, wisdom, and honesty (yes, I actually met an honest man)!NOI! just won me over. I couldn't bear to be without him and to continue the way I was, I'd have to loose him. So you see, I can understand how some men feel. Others have been through hell with a woman and don't want to do it again. I find this in many older men. They enjoy being alone with no one to order them about. When you feel capable of venturing out again, and I hope it's sooner rather than later, enjoy meeting men and having fun. Don't expect anything more than what the men are willing to give. You will break some hearts and will have yours broken again before you come together with someone you really want to enjoy your life with. Never give your life to anyone, just find someone you would like to share your life with. This freedom will give you the opportunity to see the beautiful variety of friendships you can develop. Even if they don't turn into a lifetime committment, you still enjoy each other and remain friends. One very important thing..never lie to anyone. When someone asked me out and it seemed we might develop a relationship, I always told them I was not going to get serious and would be seeing other people and I hoped they understood. Somtimes they didn't and we wouldn't see each other again. They respected my honesty and we stayed friends..usually. Even though I am totally committed to my honey, the men I saw before Glenn are still my friends and we keep in touch. Now they are just good friends. I think the secret is not to depend on someone else for happiness, but to share happiness with each other. Good luck. Fair Oldermaid.
|
|
Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: Roger in Baltimore Date: 07 Jun 99 - 03:10 PM 0Hank Williams Tonight by Jerry Jeff Walker
I could have lived my whole life without a phone call,
Well I didn't cry it was all cut and dried.
CHO:
There was no explanation, not even a reason.
CHO:
Lately I been thinkin' I just might quit drinkin', Take three renditions of this song and call the Mudcat in the morning. This song speaks to me of one way I use music. I offer it to you. Fair Youngmaid, You have gotten lots of excellent advice. Find some one or several someones with whom you can talk. For this pain to heal, you must let it out and share it with the world in some way. Talking is an easy way. Writing and playing are other ways. A burden shared is a burden lessened. So you've done good to reach out to this cyber community to share your anquish. There is a fantasy that there is one right person out there for each of us. It's a lie. There are many people with whom each of us can have a successful love relationship. Your task is not to find the one, but rather just one. Some of us find more than one at one time and that may become problematic. You are not likely to find one of yours by sitting in your room typing into the Mudcat. So take FADAC's advice and get out of the house and do something. If you must mull over the relationship, try to think what lured you to try a relationship with someone who does not seem to meet your needs. If we keep finding broken people, it is usually because something is broken within us. For many years, I unconsciously found angry women. After much help from others, I've found I was looking for someone to be angry for me rather than for me to be angry myself. Anger was not allowed in my family. Now, I get angry on my own and meet much nicer women. Take time to enjoy yourself, because it will take time to heal. Roger in Baltimore |
|
Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: Peter T. Date: 07 Jun 99 - 03:12 PM You know, if Max could figure out how to charge by the line, this could very rapidly turn into a money-making therapy thread! (The Wounded Elephant Burial Ground).... Yours, Peter T. |
|
Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: Matthew B. Date: 07 Jun 99 - 04:30 PM Hey Roger, I think we must have dated many of the same women! :)
|
|
Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: Penny S. Date: 07 Jun 99 - 05:03 PM Find something to do which you wouldn't have done with him because it didn't interest him, but which does interest you, and also involves a lot of thinking. If it includes a lot of physical activity as well, all the better. If it helps you to meet people, that is also an advantage. |
|
Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: Llanfair Date: 07 Jun 99 - 05:06 PM I think I am going to sound rather British, but, Fair Youngmaid, take care not to let your hormones choose a partner for you!!The most important part of a relationship is friendship, followed closely by trust. Also beware of rebound love. It feels great, but doesn't last. I'm a serial monogamist, mostly!!, but I do know what I'm talking about. You obviously didn't like him much, even though you loved him. Hwyl Bron. |
|
Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: Art Thieme Date: 07 Jun 99 - 08:30 PM I know that they have to take a artery out of your leg. Then they split your chest open by cutting your breastbone in half. They keep it spread with some sort of spreader from the hardware store. They replace the gunked up blood vessels with the ones they took from your leg. Then they sew ya up and you spend as much time healing as one would if their boyfriend said he didn't love you. And then you'll feel much better. Time wounds all heels!! I remember. Art |
|
Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: raredance Date: 07 Jun 99 - 08:49 PM Taking Art's comment to heart, go to the duct tape thread.
|
|
Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: Rita64 Date: 07 Jun 99 - 09:16 PM Whooooooooweeeeeeeeeeeeeee ... I am quite overwhelmed by the response ... I can feel the tears forming (again). THANK YOU SO MUCH. You have all helped me a great deal with your advice. I am just appalled that I had to inflict my maudlin, mawkish, mushy state on you and to bleed my gooey emotions in a public forum. In defence of my bouzouki playing ("ah, that explains everything" I hear a few of you sigh) bastard, he was my best friend, I do love him and he is truly a wonderful guy. Dribble dribble. He is just unable to recognise/empathise with/express emotions. Sounds strange and undesirable but really, if you knew this fellow, you would be fond of him. People are very fond of him - he is an amiable and friendly chap. We are both young - 23 years old - and I suppose we did not think ahead when first we beheld each other. I did not foresee (and perhaps he did not) that we would become so attached to each other). In defence of myself defending my bastard (as I know some of you will jump up and down screaming "Noooooo! He's a BAAAAAAASSSTAAAAAAAAAARD!") I am a person who sees the good in everyone. I can't be bitter. I am as soft as a marshmallow. On the other hand, I am a lively, fiery and intelligent person and fiercely proud. I do not intend to cling to him ... I might be a little sad for a while ... but I will be graceful. Thank you all for your kind words. It is encouraging to learn there is LIFE after this sort of crushing event. Fair Youngmaid P.S. Hey, my sense of humour, though slightly crumpled, is still in place! I just thought of a really bad country & western song title: "He Broke My Hymen Then He Broke My Heart" Hee hee hee. |
|
Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: Alice Date: 07 Jun 99 - 09:58 PM Dear Maid, I expected the next message from you would be... but we're still friends, he's really a nice guy, everyone thinks so... Again, Dear, it is an eternal pattern between men and women that has played for generations, and it's now YOUR turn to learn from the experience. As for me, I'm 47, and I've been there, done that, been there, done that, been there, done that, been there, done that, x 10. Take care not to get burned, little moth to the flame, ;-) alice in montana |
|
Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: Len N (inactive) Date: 07 Jun 99 - 10:24 PM Fair Youngmaid I have been reading through the above entries, thinking I should jump in because, while much of it was excellent advice, there seemed to be to be two important thoughts missing..... and then you just reflected both of them. I am glad to see that you can still think fondly of your ex even though he broke your heart, because to me it shows that you you have the strength of heart to get over the pain of this relationship without having to discount the relationship and all it meant to you in the process. It is at times tempting merely focuss on the negatives of a person who has broken your heart, but in my mind that does not do you or your memories any justice. I am also glad to see that you are able to joke some regarding your lost love as, I believe that when sadness and troubles strike, having a sense of humor is a great way to maintain a balanced perspective and to recognize that life does indeed go on. Regarding your song writing inspirations though.................... I wouldn't give up the day job just yet. Also.... this thought has been reflected by others, but I do believe strongly that the flipside of every crises is opportunity, and that in time you will find yourself confronted with wonderfull opportunities that may not have presented themselves had you not first gone through this painfull experience. All the best. Len
have a sense of humor regarding your situation, as I think it is an excellent way to put
|
|
Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: Bulldog Date: 07 Jun 99 - 10:37 PM Dear Maid: You will never forget, always regret, till another is met. YOU WILL ENJOY ANOTHER! one day but not too soon. Take care of yourself... don't stay sad forever.. Woof! from Bulldog |
|
Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: Rita64 Date: 07 Jun 99 - 10:38 PM Alice - You remind me very much of my best friend - my mum. She said that he was but a shooting star, who slightly singed me, in this solar system and I should move on in search of my galaxy. She's a little strange (and by god I have her genes!) but she is full of good advice. Bless 'er. Being my age, my basic assumption is that I am the CENTRE of the universe, and I must constantly remind myself that I am but a small entity in this big world and I have to look after myself because, in the end, I am the only one who can make myself happy. I'll be fine Alice, really. Your contributions to the Forum are insightful, knowledgable and helpful - I appreciate that you spent time "talking" to me. Thank you dear. EVERYONE - I am printing this thread and putting it on the fridge to remind myself not to be such a sap!!! |
|
Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: Big Mick Date: 07 Jun 99 - 11:14 PM Ah lass, the one thing missing from this thread is that no one bothered to thank you. You have caused a bunch of fourty and fifty somethings to remember the times when they played the bastard, ............and when they had been hurt. You helped us to remember the lessons that we learned along the way. And you helped us to break off some of the crust we have gathered as well. You have reminded this older man of when he realized that his pitiful attempts to seem "cerebral" or "manly" were just attempts to cover up his overwhelming insecurity that the fair young maid would figure out that he was just a scared young man who didn't know how to deal with a bright young woman. And mostly I want to thank you for reminding me what it was I discovered years ago. And that is that when men will drop the pretexts that we put up and enjoy the women in our lives in the fullness of their personhood; as partners, mentors, leaders, and as equals, our lives and relationships are enriched beyond belief. Learn from this episode (it seems that you already have), and use this as criteria in your next one. You will make somebody a great partner one day, if that is your desire. Thanks again, Mick |
|
Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: alison Date: 08 Jun 99 - 12:01 AM Hi, Seek out good friends,.. and if they aren't making themselves available.. go find them, (they may feel too awkward to make the first move)....... We've all been there............... if it wasn't for a good friend, (he just happened to be the one who answered his phone that night) I wouldn't be here today, life just didn't seem worth living........ Mine really was a bastard, and deep in my heart I knew that.. but I loved him. You do get over it, as the others have said, but it can take a long time, and there'll always be a little part of you that remembers the good times and thinks, "That might have worked if....." But basically what I'm saying is surround yourself with friends, don't sit and "stew" (good Irish expression for just going over the same old stuff in your head... the "if only's"...and letting all the emotions build up.) One other point.. beware of men looking for women on the rebound........ do what you want because you want to.. not because it seemed like a good idea at the time.. slainte alison |
|
Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: gargoyle Date: 08 Jun 99 - 12:16 AM Summer is comin' What part of the wurl do ya live in? I'll do my best with a little spit and alot o mud.
|
|
Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: Art Thieme Date: 08 Jun 99 - 12:18 AM Ah, love is the great good use one person makes of another person. Just think of all you've learned!!! Art |
|
Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: Rita64 Date: 08 Jun 99 - 12:37 AM Mr Gargoyle, I don't quite comprehend what your message means - spit and mud??? You're from a small village, aren't you. ;) I live in Sydney Australia - home of the excited Japanese tourist and suspect flotsam and jetsam. Thanks Alison and Big Mick for sharing your thoughts. You are both very special people. Big Mick, glad you think some of the "crust" has broken away - I think you were virtually crustless anyway - I hope to eventually meet someone as wise and wonderful as you. This has been such an amazing thing - I felt so gray and foggy yesterday - confused and upset enough to plead for attention in the Mudcat forum (oh dear, I am writing another essay-like entry - sorry). I feel as though I know you all and yet, you are all over the world in places I have never seen and probably never heard of. Yet, you know how I feel. In danger of becoming painfully soppy and sentimental here but "the world is a small place". Hugs for everyone! |
|
Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: searcher45 Date: 08 Jun 99 - 07:51 AM All the advice is good...nothing but time and distance really works...the good folks on this thread really have given great advice to help you numb the pain 'til time elapses. Personally though, nothing good ever came from my pounding down the whiskey.... I guess I write cuz I'm fascinated by the role music plays in folks' lives. What power it has! Through it, we laugh, cry, rejoice, mourn, grieve and heal..... c&w music is my weapon of choice for a heartache. Much more than the blues for some reason. And, as Roger said it so much better, it's Hank Williams all the way. Amazing how Hank universally affects people, much in the same way. He's like Shakespeare; he is THE source. Fair Maid, I can play maybe 5 chords on a guitar, and that's enough to get me through. If feasible, you should learn "I'm So Lonesome I could Cry", and sing it and sing it and sing it...one day, you'll stop in the middle of the song (as I did ) and think, "What's this all about? I'm sick of feeling this way, sick of this song. Why am I beating myself up over her/him...that a-hole's not worth it." Or words to that effect. That I found was the day I started getting over it, feeling human again. That's my 2 cents. Good luck. Man, I love this group, this web site. Thanks to all. Bill
|
|
Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: bbc Date: 08 Jun 99 - 12:05 PM Dear Fair, First of all, your pain is valid & many of us have experienced it at one time or another, to one extent or another. Once, I felt so hurt that it felt like physical pain, interfering w/ my eating, sleeping, & general functioning for several weeks. As it happens, that was the man who introduced me to folk music, a gift I was able to keep & cherish. I've also been able to keep him as a friend/acquaintance. Each relationship I've had has enriched me in some way & led me closer to where I need to be. Secondly, you did fine in bringing your pain here. As you can see, many of us care enough to give some support & a word or two of advice, free for the taking or leaving.
My thoughts, threefold-- 1) While you have some free time, you might consider picking up some of John Gray's books. They, basically, talk about men & women being different (duh!) & discuss the different ways they do things. My sweetie & I have found them very helpful. In retrospect, I think my 1st marriage ended because I kept expecting my husband to act like a woman & he kept expecting me to act like a man. Never happened. The first book is
love,
Barbara (bbc)
P.S.--Like Alice, I'm in my mid-40' & have been through it! |
|
Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: Matthew B. Date: 08 Jun 99 - 01:15 PM I'm so glad that we've been able to help in some way. But I want to reiterate that I strongly believe that it won't do you (or anybody else) any good to vilify him. Just cherish the memory of the love that you did have, because most people never even get that far in their lives, and celebrate the fact that you're one of those people who are capable of such love in the first place. I send you an e-hug, with warm, confident wishes for your happiness. |
|
Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: Bulldog Date: 08 Jun 99 - 06:37 PM I appear to have upset some people by expressing my opinions. Removed from the list so to speak. Interesting that the example of why I am against special rights was not mentioned. Just so you understand where I am coming from: I am against special status for anyone. Violence is unnacceptable in any form. ALL PEOPLE need to be protected. ie: If you kill a Cop you should be hung. Why? if you kill me you should get the same. Gays are campaigning for special status; when all they really need is recognition as Human Beings, with all their rights intact. Special status makes a political statement that I object to. It would seem that this gets lost in the translation somewhere. I shall depart with grace and leave you all to ponder. Never fear, I shall not re-appear.....Goodbye Mudcat |
|
Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: bbc Date: 08 Jun 99 - 07:23 PM The previous post appears a bit misplaced in this thread, doesn't it? bbc |
|
Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: Matthew B. Date: 08 Jun 99 - 10:11 PM Gee, don't you just hate it when that happens? :o) |
|
Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: gargoyle Date: 08 Jun 99 - 10:15 PM For a safe "on-line-relationship" .... several continents away .... try .... boberthm@hotmail.com.
(Nope it ain't me, but his heart, like yours, has been recently broken also.)
Tell him I sent you and he will probably kick my butt across to Australia - for he is young and vibrant - and in the dumps.
|
|
Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: Night Owl Date: 08 Jun 99 - 10:23 PM Seems appropriate to me...i.e. "broken heart".....Bulldog..I hope your dissillusionment with us heals. We do choose to violate some basic rules i.e. NEVER discuss Religion or Politics etc. We have the knowledge that the commonality of our music binds us together, and that regardless of our best attempts to express ourselves honestly and openly,, the totality and full context of our meanings is near impossible to articulate in brief postings....to listen requires some faith that we mean NO ONE harm...just expressing passionate feelings. Part of what makes "Mudcats" unique and fun I think!! Reread some of the above posts' good advice...yours included...."Take care of yourself....Don't stay sad forever." |
|
Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: Night Owl Date: 08 Jun 99 - 10:24 PM Seems appropriate to me...i.e. "broken heart".....Bulldog..I hope your dissillusionment with us heals. We do choose to violate some basic rules i.e. NEVER discuss Religion or Politics etc. We have the knowledge that the commonality of our music binds us together, and that regardless of our best attempts to express ourselves honestly and openly,, the totality and full context of our meanings is near impossible to articulate in brief postings....to listen requires some faith that we mean NO ONE harm...just expressing passionate feelings. Part of what makes "Mudcats" unique and fun I think!! Reread some of the above posts' good advice...yours included from June 7th..."Take care of yourself....Don't stay sad forever." |
|
Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: Night Owl Date: 08 Jun 99 - 10:27 PM ....and don't hit submit twice!!! |
|
Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: Bulldog Date: 08 Jun 99 - 10:34 PM I appologise. you are quite right, this was supposed to go on another thread... it now is. Arthritis has claimed my fingers and I have a bad habit of clicking twice. Sorry People! Bye Bye |
|
Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: WyoWoman Date: 09 Jun 99 - 12:37 AM Well, Fair Youngmaid, I wish I could say that such heartbreak is limited to the young and once you pass a certain age, the statute of limitations is up and you don't have to worry. Tis not true, alas. I have a daughter your age and have been blessed with much love and laughter in my life, and also with much heartbreak of one kind or another-- part of the joy and weirdness of being a human bean. I had been alone for several years,focusing on getting my children raised and successfully "launched," without a parade of "Mom's boyfriends" in their lives. And I was successful at that. But when I moved to a new state three years ago, I met a man who seemed really wonderful in a quiet, unassuming way. One thing led to another and eventually he asked me to marry him and I said yes and we set a date, got a ring ... I was truly happy. Then just after Christmas moved out. No notice, no by-your-leave, no conversation about what was wrong. Nothin'. What hurt the worst was not being able to make sense of it. I kept trying to understand what I did wrong. What I could have done differently. Why I didn't SEE what was coming? And I was completely flattened. I spent most of January just doing my best to get up in the morning, go to work and not be too much of a pain in the neck during the day to all who love me, then praying to sleep at least some of the night ... It was truly hell. I can honestly say that music pulled me through. I sang and sang and sang. I stood in the shower and sang until the hot water ran out. I sat on the sofa and sang until my voice simply quit. It seemed that the only way my heart could stop hurting was if I sang. And when I wasn't singing, I was listening to the music of others. I took long, hot baths. I ate as much nourishing food as I could force myself to eat. I have a small group of friends here with whom I let myself be as much of a mess as I needed to be. And with everyone else, I tried very hard to put on my game face and not bleed too much in front of them. Fake it 'til you make it. Now, six months later, I can say that I'm actually feeling happy again. Work is a wonderful balm. Friends are pure gold. Physical exercise matters a great deal. Being kind to oneself is fundamental--hanging up on those internal conversations in which you tell yourself you must be unlovable and undesirable to have brought such a fate down upon yourself. I must admit, though, I can't imagine ever letting myself care that way about anyone again. Maybe it'll happen, but right now? I simply can't imagine. He emailed me yesterday -- he's moved to a new job in another state. He says he's sorry. It wasn't personal and he urges me to "get over it." I didn't know what to say to that. So I hit the delete button and I've put on the "Essential Women of the Blues" CD from House of Blues. KC |
|
Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: Peter T. Date: 09 Jun 99 - 08:47 AM KC, He probably took one look at your CD collection and thought this woman is too much of a woman for me. You've got to hide those women blues singers records behind the sofa, honey (and don't you hate it when they say it isn't personal? What is it then, official?Business?To current occupier?) Yours, Peter T. |
|
Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: Alice Date: 09 Jun 99 - 09:11 AM KC, yes, thanks for mentioning long HOT baths as one of the coping tools. Many long hot baths (I sometimes took 3 a day - what is it with the bath and showers you ask?) and they calmed me enough to avert the brink of suicide during that 20something aged mother of all heartbreaks. |
|
Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: Peter T. Date: 09 Jun 99 - 09:42 AM According to the medieval theory of the 4 humours, hot, dry, cold, and wet were opposites that could be paired, and needed balancing if they were tipped too far in the direction of one or more humours.. Melancholy and despair were examples of cold/ dry, and they should be balanced by heavy doses of hot/ wet. Just to bring you up to date on medical reasoning about this.... Yours, Peter T. |
|
Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: a friend in disguise Date: 09 Jun 99 - 10:24 AM Peter T does your approach in the above message mean that you too are "irritatingly cerebral and logical" ? |
|
Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: Peter T. Date: 09 Jun 99 - 10:55 AM A. I had nothing to do with Fair YoungMaid. (alas) B. She is in Australia, for God's sake. (alas) C. I am not irritatingly cerebral and logical. Therefore (Q.E.D.), what kind of friend in disguise are you? Supplemental Corollary: May your heart be broken by a cardiovascular surgeon (they know where the knife goes!) Yours, Peter T. |
|
Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: Alice Date: 09 Jun 99 - 11:14 AM ummmm... Peter, that's very humourous, but not up to date. (I prefer the medical reasoning of the scientific method... been there, done that, also, on believing in primitive/new age/herbal/medieval medicine.) Medieval ideas, whether they are about romance, medicine, or spirituality can lead to being out of touch with reality. I now prefer to take advantage of the knowledge and wisdom gained since the medieval times. Wanting to live in the past, even the past of "folk music" or folk medicine can lead to problems in the present. ...just keeping this in perspective. I do see the lure of explaining melancholy and despair in terms of romantic symbols. The hot bath helps you calm down and relax anxiety, but, especially at the time of losing a love, it is important to not become vulnerable to irrational thinking. Since I have worked in the area of cult information, I have seen many people fall prey to quackery, cults, charlatans and false gurus, because they are trying to recover from and understand the loss of their loved one. People in their 20's are uniquely vulnerable to fraud and cult recruitment, but anyone at anytime who goes through a crisis stage in life can be vulnerable. Just my 2 cents worth. (Fair Youngmaid... take note, don't waste any time or money on psychics, etc, trying to 'figure out' what happened in this relationship!) -alice |
|
Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: Alice Date: 09 Jun 99 - 12:12 PM just reread my post and realized it may sound a little harsh toward you, Peter, (I don't understand the friend in disguise message, either... cerebral?), anyway, Peter, I know your reference to the 4 humours was meant to be helpful, not to lead anyone in the wrong direction. - a. |
|
Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: Sheye Date: 09 Jun 99 - 01:15 PM Sorry Peter, but I'd like to grab that title. I am "cerebral and logical" and occasionally irritating as well. Bits of background, whether historical or in recognizing our own experiences flavouring our current choices, are fundamental ways of growing, improving, learning, and avoiding error repetition. What you posted makes sense instinctively as well. Warmth is symbolic of nurturing and acceptance. When a person is lonely, they feel cold, physically and figuratively. yep, hot baths beat chugging Jack Daniels from the bottle while sitting on the floor in an empty living room any day! A friend walked in on me and asked me what I was doing (the drinking binge - not the bath) and I said I was working on the mother of all hangovers because I deserved it! Made sense at the time... Ah, hot baths... candles and bubbles, music of choice drifting in the mist. Luxury and pampering. Allowing time to stand still and remember why you are so wonderful, and appreciate your cornerstones, yourself, your friends. Not nearly as hard on the head the morning after! Somewhere up above was another gentle reminder, that of being true to yourself. Partners enhance your life, they do not create you or protect you from life. It's a different kind of love when you can give of yourself to another person knowing that you want them in your life to share and grow, and not because you need them to make you feel complete.
Warmest regards, Maiden |
|
Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: Matthew B. Date: 09 Jun 99 - 05:37 PM And one more warning, while you're still so hurt, lonely and vulnerable: don't get pulled into any cults. Some of them are in the most unrecognizable-as-cults forms you could ever imagine, so just make sure you decline offers to attend any "meetings," "workshops" etc, unless they're highly recommended and endorse by someone you've known and trusted for a long time. Even then, check them out against this list for reports of abuse from ex-members:
http://www.freedomofmind.com/ They'll bombard you with love (or at least a good imitation of it) until you're theirs. Then, before you know it, they'll suck the life out of you. Just stick with us instead. We'll cherish you as you truly deserve. |
|
Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: WyoWoman Date: 09 Jun 99 - 08:54 PM Oh, Peter T, I loved the "Four Humours" explanation. I don't believe much of anything, but I find plenty very interesting. I had developed a personal theory that the showers and baths were important to me because I have a Pisces ascendant, and I don't even believe in astrology. so you see, I'll take shelter in any old theory in a storm. And yes, the "It's not personal" thing.... on the one hand, I know that. I mean, we all have our personal pathologies and we just do this weird irrational crap sometimes, driven by whatever ghosts and compulsions happen to be the chauffeur that particular day. But still, over there, in the other person's experience, it feels exquisitely personal when, in the course of about two minutes, you do something that alters their entire future. I'm not arguing that maybe it was best, or will be ultimately, that my future be altered in that way. The Kat (that means me, not katlaughing, although she's welcome to apply it if the shoe fits) always lands on her feet -- but sometimes she does some mad scrambling midair. This is especially true when the rug unceremoniously gets yanked from under oneself. And by the way, Fair Youngmaiden, I wouldn't get too weirded out about the "cults" thing. You're a smart and perceptive young woman, seems to me. Just pay attention to any quivering of the antennae on your B.S. detector and you'll be just peachy. KC |
|
Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: Alice Date: 09 Jun 99 - 09:00 PM An interesting site regarding Who Joins a Cult? is at the brain research section of the Omni Magazine website. Take the challenge. The Cult Test. |
|
Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: Peter T. Date: 09 Jun 99 - 09:40 PM Dear Alice, actually it was meant as a mild joke, whether it was helpful or not.... The only medieval theory I believe is the one about the sun going around the earth. Everyone else I know believes it too: otherwise why don't we call it earthset and earthrise? I first heard the humours theory expounded by a student of Thomas Aquinas, who got us to remember the biles, sanguines, melancholia (under the sign of Saturn), by reference to contemporary things like showers and such. I have personally found that nothing works, and I have the water bills and Scoth crates to prove it! Yours, Peter T. P.S. Hi, Sheye. Where have you been keeping yourself (and your irritating cerebrum, as if, as they say in Southern California)? |
|
Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: Alice Date: 09 Jun 99 - 10:23 PM Dear Peter, coincidental that you should mention Thomas Aquinas, because I was just discussing a point from the Summa Theologica a couple of days ago with a person who was born and raised in a cult, who is coming to terms with the misconceptions she has had regarding religion, since her father claimed to be THE messenger from God. She knew at age 8 that something was very wrong with what she was taught, and knew at 14 that she had to leave, because staying was unbearable. She is now in her 30's. I pointed out that according to Aquinas, the greatest thing we can know about God is that God is unknowable. When Aquinas realized this, he went into a great silence that lasted for years. He realized that up until that point, he had been writing about the indescribable, and ultimately, those who 'say' do not 'know', and those who 'know' cannot 'say'. I loaned her one of my favorite books on this subject, "Awareness", by Anthony deMello, S.J., and she headed off to Chicago with it. I know she will send it back, but at this moment it is probably just as well I don't have it... I would be copying quotes from it into this thread ;-> |
|
Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: Alice Date: 09 Jun 99 - 10:30 PM between this and the Hokey Pokey/Druid thread, I am not getting ANY work done... I'd better stop Mudcatting for awhile. (are you cheered up, Fair Young Maid? If not, see the aforementioned hokey pokey thread.) -alice |
|
Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: Matthew B. Date: 10 Jun 99 - 09:40 AM I know the feeling, Alice. My boss has been frowning at me. |
|
Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: annamill Date: 10 Jun 99 - 09:56 AM I haven't gotton any work done since I found Mudcat!! I'm developing true multi-tasking. When one is busy I'm off to the other one. This is so much fun!!! How are you faring, Fair Young Maid? annap |
|
Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: Peter T. Date: 10 Jun 99 - 09:57 AM Went to see "Notting Hill" last night (not a great romantic film like "Out of Sight" but pretty good) and realized that one of the things not mentioned in this thread was power. What happens in most true romantic comedies (which are meditations on our theme) including Notting Hill, is that the lovers keep trying to sort out their mutual power relations. In the film what is interesting is that the woman has most of the power, and the man is the suppliant maiden (though it has to be handled very carefully, and semi-passively on his part, which works for Brits dealing with Americans). Anyway, what is usually required in these films is that both people have to reject each other once so as not to lose their autonomy; and of course come back together again when it is all over. One problem with the rejection scenario played out in this thread is that you are rejected with no possibility of getting back to a position of equality again . You have lost face, and are admittedly without power. The dream is that you will regain that power, or that you will get a chance to do to them what they did to you (which is why romantic comedies are so addictive). The secret of course is to reject that whole structure of power/powerlessness and move on. Or go and rent "It Happened One Night", "The Lady Eve", etc.. Yours, Peter T. |
|
Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: reggie miles Date: 10 Jun 99 - 04:26 PM FYM, I wish I could say I was immune but I too have been struck squarely across the midsection with a very sharp blow, like being struck with a 2x4, at least that's how it felt to me. Fortunately there were friends, just a couple, who cared enough to travel great distances to be with me during all that and even offer to drag me away from the whole mess which in retrospect was an excellent decision. Just having friends who gave a hoot enough to drive across several states to hang with me was a very powerful antidote. That was long before this sort of long distance contact. I hightailed it out of town, out of state, on tour with one good friend. A different enviorment helped. I remember my high school english teacher always quoted, "love is blind and lovers do not see the silly follies that themselves commit". At the time I had no idea what he was talking about but at that time I had never been in love either. Since then I've had to hear this parting line far too many times for my liking, "I really learned a lot from you". What exactly is that suppose to impart??? It's almost scary the number times I've heard that line. It must be a favorite in some how to break up with your man self help manual for women. So you and a couple of girlfriends head out of town and take in a festival or whatever. Get into a different place with some good friends and have some fun in a healthy environment. Okay? Hey it worked for me.
|
|
Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: Uilleand Date: 10 Jun 99 - 05:46 PM "I really learned a lot from you" -- is that really a line or can it maybe mean that being with you wasn't a waste of my time but it is time to move on? The question here is whether you would go into the relationship knowing its outcome. Would you have rather missed all the joys and the sorrows of a relationship because it would eventually end like all things do in one way or another? Maybe it's a way of saying I would do it if it were to do again, just because our paths are parting does not mean I regret a moment of my time spent with you. Sometimes the courage lies not in the staying, but in the parting. Just another perspective. |
|
Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: Terry Date: 10 Jun 99 - 06:54 PM To follow up on Uilleand's posting...a wise woman once told me that just because a relationship has ended doesn't invalidate it or mean it didn't have great significance in our lives. Too often we feel foolish for having cared deeply for the people who reject us or we think we've wasted our time with them. The end of a relationship is a death. We mourn our loved ones, no matter how they die, and treasure their memory. So should we, I think, allow ourselves to mourn the death of a dream that has died and try to treasure its good memories. Last night, I ended a several-years-long, on again-off again relationship with a man I love very much who isn't able to give me the commitment I want. My heart is broken. The only thing that got me through the night was remembering the wise woman's words and reminding myself that I've recovered from a broken heart before. Make dates with friends so that you have at least one thing to look forward to every week. And, force yourself to keep those dates even if you feel rotten. My sister, who is a clinical psychologist, tells me that getting adequate sleep and nutrition are the two best things we can do to safeguard not only our physical but our mental health. Good luck to you. |
|
Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: Rita64 Date: 10 Jun 99 - 09:40 PM Gracious! It seems I have created a thread that everyone can relate to. Thanks for asking, I am feeling much better or at least less hysterical. In the last few days I have reached a kind of calm plateau of emotion (if my general state of being at the moment could be described as a colour it would be pale lilac blue denoting calm and fragility) - I have realised that I just have to LET GO OF HIM. I know my path in life will be fraught with perils (in the form of people) but you have all shown me that all the danger is worth it. Thanks, I will recover. Also, imagining the shit pie oozing from his handsome face has provided great entertainment (ta muchly MAG)!!! Peter and Alice, there is nothing wrong with being cerebral and logical. The presence of these (usually admirable) qualities during a time when emotion or nurturing would be more appropriate however is unacceptable. Don't you agree? Matthew and KC, I am quite cynical/sceptical/questioning in relation to religion - a product of my Catholic upbringing - and while I respect and appreciate religious people I can't say I would ever be swept away by a loving and nurturing cult in my "troubled time". Also, my BS detector is fully operational - I have never been able to stomach insincere/deluded people, dammit. I just had a thought ... COULD WE CONSIDER FOLK MUSIC AND ITS FOLLOWERS AS A CULT? Hmmm ... Thanks to you all, FYM xxxx |
|
Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: campfire Date: 11 Jun 99 - 01:23 AM Thanks, Terry - I just got home from ending a year-plus relationship; I love him; he claims to be incapable of ever loving "that completely" again. I know I've hurt this bad before; I'd just forgotten how bad it feels. My mother used to tell me childbirth was like that - If you remembered the pain, no woman would ever have more than one child! I guess if we remembered how much it hurts to end a relationship, we'd never start another. So I'll remind myself that I WILL get over him, that I was happy BEFORE I met him, re-read the advice above (including my own), hopefully NOT drink myself silly, and go cry myself to sleep. Thanks for listening. campfire |
|
Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: Mark Roffe Date: 11 Jun 99 - 02:37 AM When I finally got my heart broke (many years later than it should have happened, bastard heartbreaker that I'd been), one good thing happened. I finally really understood where the blues come from. Listening to the blues, I finally really identified with what was being sung about. And the tool that worked for me to get over the worst of it was to repeatedly tell myself "she's dead, she died." That way, I convinced myself that there was no getting her back. It stopped me from calling and begging fruitlessly. I convinced myself that she was gone for good and that there was absolutely no way she was ever coming back. She was dead. And it really worked. Bark Woof |
|
Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: Peter T. Date: 11 Jun 99 - 09:28 AM Ah Fair Youngmaid, you have hit on a classic problem, which is that under moments of great romantic stress, the cerebral and logical desperately go into attempting to clear everything up with rationality, because that is what they are good at, and feel comfortable with. This is usually the worst possible approach to take. "What do you mean by do I love you? I suppose there are different versions of what that might mean....for instance...."(large pie with suspicious substances baked into it hits face). Personally, I am not cerebral or logical at all in these situations, but I have seen these at work close up!
Boy, last night seems to have been a rough night all over. Terry, campfire, look after yourselves, please. |
|
Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: Bert Date: 11 Jun 99 - 10:55 AM Seems as though we could use Utah Phillips here with his 'Moose Turd Pie'. Bert. |
|
Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: Matthew B. Date: 11 Jun 99 - 02:11 PM Dear, Sweet, Fair Young Maid, Mudcat's no cult, Hon. There's far too much free thinking around here, no centralized charismatic leadership or life-consuming pyramid schemes, no central doctrine (other than somethink like "Hey, this music is kinda neat, ain't it?"), no power base, no inner cirle of exploitive leaders, and no coercion of any kind. On the other hand, it can be fun from time to time to get together and perform certain rituals. (What a tingly concept! Yum!) But since our rituals would probably fall into only 3 categories -- making music, eating/drinking, and finding new friends/lovers -- it's doubtful that we'd qualify as a true cult. On the other hand, some of you around here (who shall remain nameless... you know who you are, don't you?) already have something of a "cult following" of admirers here in Mudcat. |
|
Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: Bert Date: 11 Jun 99 - 02:29 PM Matthew B, Are you saying that Max and his elves are NOT charismatic?? I'll tell. Bert. |
|
Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: Matthew B. Date: 11 Jun 99 - 02:57 PM LMAO You've got a good point about the charisma, but I just don't get the sense that they're sinister enough to even bother with setting up any pyramid schemes or anything else that doesn't involve some really good music making. But, but all means, do tell.
:o) |
|
Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: Barbara Shaw Date: 12 Jun 99 - 07:06 AM Dear Fair Young Maid, Go about your life and forget about the guy. But be prepared for ANYTHING that may develop. Here's what happened to me at exactly your age: Love of my life said that he didn't want to be tied down to a relationship yet, so we parted. I was completely immobilized for about 2 weeks. When I finally left the house (dragged by some friends) I met someone else, the proverbial instant rebound. I ended up running off to the other coast with this new guy and married him 2 years later. We had a son a year later, divorce 2 years after that. A few years later, after I was completely settled into single parenthood and doing well at work, owned my own home, life was good, etc, who gives me a call but Guy Number 1 who hadn't been ready for the relationship. We ended up getting together again. This time it was right, we got married, had a son, and have been happily together for 20 years. People are amazed when I say we've known each other for 30 odd years, but have only been married for 19. I wouldn't change a thing about the story, including the 10 year break in the middle of our relationship that gave me some wonderful adventures and a beautiful son. Take whatever rolls your way and be open to life!
|
|
Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: campfire Date: 12 Jun 99 - 02:08 PM Barbara, I know another woman with a similar experience. Her first pregnancy scared the living wits out of the guy, who was not ready for relationships, much less fatherhood. She did her best, got on with life, married someone else, and had a child with him. I don't know what happened with that marriage - if it was a "rebound thing" or what, but it, too ended. Seems guy number one had been kicking himself in the pants all the while she was married to guy nuber two, though, and at first opportunity let her know that he wanted at least to be a father to his daughter, and that hopefully, they could work things out. They did, have been married now longer than I've known her (at least 10 years) and have a third child. So her first and third child are her husbands, and the middle child is her ex-husbands. Try explaining THAT one at the company Christmas party. |
|
Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: WyoWoman Date: 12 Jun 99 - 05:01 PM As Saul Bellow said, "You never have to invent fiction: Life keeps inventing itself." My sister the romance novel-writer should take notes on Campfire's story... KC |
|
Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: Firecat Date: 27 Jun 01 - 03:26 PM I'm gonna start using some of these tips! |
|
Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: GUEST,kendall Date: 27 Jun 01 - 03:50 PM you wanna know what kills most relationships? in a word, EXPECTATIONS. As the line goes in Utah Phillips' song, Faded Roses of December, ...dont ask me for a heart that I cant give you.. Is he really a bastard because he does not have what you want? Time really is the only healer, and, dont look for a replacement right away, spend some time with yourself for at least a year. Then, try to find out why you were drawn to him, and that will help you to avoid making the same mistake again.
|
|
Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: Liz the Squeak Date: 27 Jun 01 - 04:39 PM Whatever you do, if he has been a bastard to you, don't let his behaviour influence you to act the same way... read this thread - sorry, can't do the blue clicky thing, but if you refresh for 14 days and go nearly to the bottom, it's there. Or just double click on my name above this posting and check out what I've posted to..... BS: Does it get better when STRESS is gone? There's lots of good stuff there about reducing stress, causes of stress, and something about a relationship I was involved with..... basically his partner treated him like dirt so he thought that was a good way to treat others. Still mopping that one up. And if you want to write to or phone him, think and wait an hour. If you still want to do it, wait another hour. If, after 2 - 3 hours you still want to, you need to go and do something else. LTS |
|
Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: GUEST,folky1 Date: 27 Jun 01 - 11:57 PM I remember how I felt when the man I had my first relationship with left me after 9 years together. It came as a complete surprise and was like a kick in the chest. I lost 15 pounds and thought I would never want to sing again. I allowed myself to fully sink into and experience the grieving process and it was a very healing thing. This can be such a growing, transformational process for you, don't rush ahead and miss all the things you can learn about yourself. I remembered saying to my partner on several occations "I need you too much to be able to love you" and it was true. I needed to be out on my own to become the strong, creative, independent woman I am today. And I would have never "grown up" with him by my side to lean on. I learned Ferron's song "Ain't Life A Brook" and sang it frequently the next year or two. That was a healing thing too. Why waste energy being bitter about things? Why not instead see the roles you played in each others lives and all the things you learned along the way? This was over six years ago. My ex and I are still friends. Two years ago his wife joined my musical group. I have done a lot of growing up. I got actively involved in things that interested me from running sound and promoting concerts to political campaigns. I believe that its true that you can't be happy with someone else until you can be happy with yourself. And now that I am leading a happy, fulfilling life as a single person a totally unexected, unlooked for thing has happened: I have fallen in love with someone wonderful. When the relationshop with my ex ended, I had lots of people giving me advice to hurry up and get over it, skip the grieving process, and find somebody new. I patiently repeated to them at the time that if I was ever going to have a relationship again, it would be because there was someone I really wanted to be with, not just because I was lonely. My friends and and creative interests can fill the lonely void better than a relationship for the sake of a relationship. And it was worth the wait! :) Hang in there and experience everything life offers you. If you can experience deep pain, you can also experience deep joy! Don't be afraid of it! |
|
Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: Amos Date: 28 Jun 01 - 12:10 AM Hang in there and experience everything life offers you. If you can experience deep pain, you can also experience deep joy! Don't be afraid of it! is the most valuable answer anyone ever had!!! Hang in there and experience everything life offers you. If you can experience deep pain, you can also experience deep joy! Don't be afraid of it! Hang in there and experience everything life offers you. If you can experience deep pain, you can also experience deep joy! Don't be afraid of it!
Hang in there and experience everything life offers you. If you can experience deep pain, you can also experience deep joy! Don't be afraid of it!
A |
|
Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: English Jon Date: 28 Jun 01 - 06:25 AM A broken heart cannot be mended. My advice is start talking to your pets. EJ |
|
Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: Jim Cheydi Date: 28 Jun 01 - 07:03 AM They do mend, as long as you don't keep picking at the scabs. You can't spend your time thinking about what you should have done/said or whatever. If you do then you'll just miss out on something else. It's something we all go through so you have to remember that your experience is far from unique. Sometimes you just have to accept that what's done is done (and there isn't even a referee to blame) and in time you realise that they're not quite so special. They're just as crap as the rest of us with the same failings and foibles. Forget all this 'we can still be friends' drivel because you can't. Not for a long while anyway. Keep yourself away from them for years, otherwise your just picking. Let it mend first. Trust me (!). I know. You don't ever forget, but you do reach a time when you don't mind remembering. JC |
|
Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: English Jon Date: 28 Jun 01 - 07:18 AM Physician heal thyself. Anyway, while there's sabrina and nude buffy who cares. EJ |
|
Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: Jim Cheydi Date: 28 Jun 01 - 07:27 AM Healed, I reckon. Don't forget the women's eights! JC |
|
Subject: RE: Mudcatters - how do you mend a broken heart? From: LR Mole Date: 28 Jun 01 - 09:58 AM "How Do You Mend a Broken Heart" makes me think of the Bee Gees. (Ecch.)"Fair Young Maid" makes me think of the Byrds' version of "John Riley". The whole thing reminds me of Paul Simon's line: "From what I can see of people like me/We get better but we never get well." But hang in. Interestin' and useful stuff, time... |
| Share Thread: |
