Naughty kids' greatest hits

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Susan of DT
Date: 21 Sep 97 - 10:14 AM

Sheye and Jon W
The Dirty Old Man from Chine is more closely related to Old Shoes nad Leggin's (see DT)

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Alan of Australia
Date: 20 Sep 97 - 08:51 PM

To the tune of "Cock O' The North":-

Auntie Mary had a canary up the leg of her drawers
When she farted it departed to the sound of great applause.

Cheers,
Alan

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 20 Sep 97 - 12:50 PM

Squid-
I learned it as:
She was comon' round the bend doin' nine miles an hour
When he chain on her bicycle broke;
She was found in the pass with a sprocket in her pocket
She was tickled to death by a spoke.

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: alison
Date: 20 Sep 97 - 07:17 AM

Hi

There's a lovely book called "Keep the kettle boiling" (rhymes from a Belfast childhood), which has versions of many of the above in it.

Here's one with a definately Protestant slant,

Tune "The Happy Wanderer"

I love to go a wandering down by the chapel door,
And as I go I love to sing "The sash my father wore."

and what about the old favourite,

Here comes the bride, forty inches wide,
Slid down the bannister and broke her backside.

slainte
Alison

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Rosemary
Date: 20 Sep 97 - 01:00 AM

The first two lines are sung like "Frere Jacque" but the rest of the song is nothing like it.

I HATE BOSCO

I HATE BOSCO,
I HATE BOSCO,
ALTHOUGH IT'S GOOD FOR ME.
MY MAMA PUT IT IN MY MILK
TO TRY AND POISON ME.

BUT I FOOLED MAMA,
I PUT IT IN HER TEA.
AND NOW I HAVE NO MAMA
TO TRY AND POISON ME!

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Earl
Date: 19 Sep 97 - 10:59 PM

Squid, In our version it was the kickstand instead of the muffler.

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 19 Sep 97 - 10:10 PM

Frank- I learned it as:

My Aunt Mary had a canary
Up the leg o' her drawers
For oors and oors
It cursed the Boers
And won the Victoria Cross.

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Alice
Date: 19 Sep 97 - 09:26 PM

Did you get it?? Did you get it??

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Alice
Date: 19 Sep 97 - 09:25 PM

WHAT DID DELAWARE?

1. What did Delaware, boys,
What did Delaware? (3 times)
I ask you now as a personal friend,
What did Delaware?
She wore her New Jersey, boys,... (repeat)
I tell you now as a personal friend,
she wore her New Jersy.

2. What did Idaho, boys...
She hoed her Maryland, boys...
3. What did Ioway, boys...
She weighed a Washington, boys...
4. How did Wiscon sin, boys...
She stole a New brass key, boys...
5. What did Tennessee, boys...
She saw what Arkansaw, boys...
6. How did Flora die, boys...
She died in Missouri, boys...
7. Where has Oregon, boys...
She's gone Okla home, boys...

NOBODY LIKES ME

Nobody likes me, eveybody hates me,
I'm goin' to eat some worms.
Long thin slimy ones, short, fat, juicy ones
I'm goin'to eat some worms.

Down goes the first one, down goes the second one
Oh, how they wiggle and squirm.
Long thin slimy ones, short, fat juicy ones,
Itsy, bitsy, fuzzy, wuzzy worms.

Up comes the first one, up comes the second one
Oh, how they wiggle and squirm,
Long thin slimy ones, short, fat, juicy ones,
Itsy, bitsy, fuzzy, wuzzy worms.

I'M A NUT

I'm an acorn small and round
Lying on the cold, cold ground.
Everybody steps on me,
That is why I'm cracked, you see.

chorus
I'm a nut *snap *snap
I'm a nut *snap *snap
I'm a nut, I'm a nut, I'm a nut. *snap *snap

Called myself on the telephone
Just to see if I was home.
Asked me out for a little date
Picked me up at a quarter to eight.

chorus

Took me out to the movie show
Stayed too late and said, "Let's go."
Took my hand and led me out
Drove me home and gave a shout.

I'm a nut...

Alice in Montana

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Squid
Date: 19 Sep 97 - 08:42 PM

My version of Comin' 'Round the Mountain:

She was comin' 'round the mountain doing ninety
When the chain on her motorcycle broke
She was laying in the grass
with the muffler up her ass
And her tits were playing Dixie on the spokes

Subject: AND another one
From: Jerry Friedman
Date: 19 Sep 97 - 08:05 PM

This standard of my childhood isn't in the DT either.

There were three jolly fishermen,
There were three jolly fishermen,
Fisher fisher men men men,
Fisher fisher men men men,
There were three jolly fishermen.

The first one's name was Abraham, etc.

The second one's name was I-i-saac, etc.

The third one's name was Jay-ay-cob.

They all set out from Amsterdam.

You mustn't say that naughty word.

They all set out from Amster-sh. [finger to lips]

I'm gonna say it anyway.

They all set out from AmsterDAM!

(On "Amster Amster DAM DAM DAM", all participants dissolve in giggles, so I don't remember whether there's any more to the song.)

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Jerry Friedman
Date: 19 Sep 97 - 07:57 PM

On the subject of songs where you just barely don't say bad words, there's one in the DT called "Sweet Violets". In junior high I learned a different version:

There once was a farmer who took a young miss
In back of the barn where he gave her a
Lecture on horses and chickens and eggs,
And said that she had the most beautiful
Manners, which suited a girl of her charms,
A girl who he wanted to take in his
Washing and ironing and then if she did,
They might get married and raise up some

Sweet violets, sweeter than all the roses.

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Frank in the swamps
Date: 19 Sep 97 - 07:53 PM

Maybe someone can remember the last line of this one for me...

My Auntie Mary had a canary,up the leg of her drawers

And when it came doon, it whistled a tune........

Drivin' me nuts not remembering. Frank.

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Jerry Friedman
Date: 19 Sep 97 - 07:50 PM

Somebody asked where the Lone Ranger takes his garbage. Along those lines, my officemate shared this one with me:

What happens when the Pink Panther steps on an insect?
Dead ant dead ant, dead ant, dead ant dead ant dead ant...

Not strange that I remember most of the ones that Alice Cascorbi gave, since I was a kid in Cleveland around the same time (maybe slightly earlier). It's more remarkable that I knew the same "Colonel Bogey" parody as Alan from Australia.

There was actually a commercial recording of the "Shaving Cream" song.

Maybe someone can fill in this cheerful one:
Jingle bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an egg,
Commissioner Gordon killed himself and ? broke his leg.

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Alice
Date: 19 Sep 97 - 06:27 PM

This is my version of Great Big Gobs..

Great big gobs of greasy grimey gopher guts
Mutilated monkey meat
laminated lizard lips
Piles and piles of poculated possum pus
and me without my spoon!

My fifth grade son told me this one:

(one of many verses)
We gave a peach to baby Margaret
We thought she swallowed the pit
But when we looked in the bucket
We saw a big pile of
ssshhhaving cream, shaving cream

Alice in Montana

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: MacCionaoith
Date: 19 Sep 97 - 05:26 PM

To the tune of "She'll be comin' round the mountain."

O ye canna push your granny from a bus
O ye canna push your granny from a bus
O ye canna push your granny
She is your mamma's mammy
O ye canna push your granny from a bus.

Ye can push your other granny from a bus
ye can push your other granny from a bus
ye can push your other granny
she's just your pappa's mammy
ye can push your other granny from a bus.

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Earl
Date: 19 Sep 97 - 01:11 PM

Jack and Jill went up the hill
Each with a buck and a quarter
Jill came down with two and a half
And they didn't go up for water

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Alan of Australia
Date: 19 Sep 97 - 02:59 AM

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water Jill forgot to take the pill and now they have a daughter.

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: MacCionaoith
Date: 18 Sep 97 - 11:34 AM


Several nursery rhymes . . .

Georgie Porgie puddin' and pie
kissed the girls and made them cry
when the boys came out to play
he kissed them, too, he was funny that way

Jack and Jill went up the hill
to fetch a pail of water
Jill came down with half a crown
and it wasn't for carrying water

Hey diddle diddle the cat took a piddle
all over the kitchen floor
the little dog laughed to see such sport
so the cat did a little bit more

Jack be nimble, Jack be quick
Jack jumped over a candle stick
Silly boy, he should have jumped higher
Goodness, gracious, great balls of fire

Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet
Her drawers all tattered and torn
It wasn't the spider that sat down beside her
But Little Boy Blue with his bugle

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: alison
Date: 18 Sep 97 - 01:01 AM

Hi

The Irish one is Weila Weila Wailia, (or some thing to that effect).

I remember one along the same lines as the tugboat.

Rule Britannia, three monkeys up a stick,
One fell down and broke his

Dick was a bulldog, lying in the grass,
Down came a bumble bee and stung him on the

Ask no questions, tell no lies,
I saw a policeman playing with his

Flies are nuisances, bumblebees are worse,
That's the end of my silly little verse..


Another popular one from Belfast was

Jingle bells, Santa smells, a hundred miles away,
He did a fart behind a cart and blew up the IRA

slainte

Alison

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From:
Date: 17 Sep 97 - 06:25 PM

What about that Irish kids' song that ends "The moral of this story is/ Foll de loll diddle lerro/ Don't stick your knife in a baby's head/ Foll de loll diddle lerro."

It was a gruesome little ditty, with somebody hanged too, as I recall.

Subject: Jumprope Hypertext Archive
From: Earl
Date: 17 Sep 97 - 02:11 PM

I just came across The Jumprope Hypertext Archive.
It has "Miss Lucy had a Tugboat" and 266 other jumprope rhymes!

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Squid
Date: 16 Sep 97 - 07:35 PM

How about this verse for the Old Gray Mare? ver 2.0

This song was resurrected in a Tom Arnold movie, I forget the name.

There goes teacher floating down the Delaware
Chewing on her underwear
Cant afford another pair
Ten days later bitten by a polar bear
Thats how the polar bear died.

And some more words to McDonalds:
Sung to Down by the Riverside, of course

McDonalds is your kind of place
They feed you rattlesnakes
They slap them in your face
There is no parking place
French fries between your toes
Put a straw up my nose
The last time that I was there
They fried my underwear
Mc Donalds is your kind of place.

When I taught my kids that one, they wanted to know if I made it up. How could a song like that become so widely known? Its almost like McD planned it.

I guess like dg said, it is pure folk music.

And, just in time, one more comes to mind.

On top of old smokey, all covered with sand
I shot my poor teacher with a green rubber band
I shot it with pleasure I shot it with pride
I couldn't have missed her she's 50 feet wide.

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Alan of Australia
Date: 16 Sep 97 - 06:44 PM

Or
It's raining it's pouring
The old man is snoring
He bumped his head and he went to bed (wet his bed)
And he couldn't get up in the morning.

And we used to sing this when I was very young, obviously influenced by returning WW2 soldiers:-
I'm in the army now
I can't afford a cow
I live in a tent and pay no rent
I'm in the army now.

I'm in the army now
I sat behind a cow
The cow let off and off I shott
I'm in the air force now.

Cheers,
Alan

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Alice C.
Date: 16 Sep 97 - 06:44 PM

I'm learning a lot on this thread. Anybody else have "happy birthday" variations, like

Happy birthday to you, you live in the zoo, you look like a monkey, and you smell like one too

I'm sorry, my Mac won't wrap these messages!

I also remembered "the really gross food song":

Great big gobs of greasy grimy goher guts/Mutilated monkey meat/Little turdy birdie feet(Or, "chopped up parakeet")/Great big gobs of greasy grimy gopher guts/And I forgot my spoon!/ (check in the toilet bowl!)

(Repeat, faster and faster, until kids dissolve in laughter and/or camp councellor makes you stop.)

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Frank in the swamps
Date: 16 Sep 97 - 02:02 PM

Just remembered this one, during thunderstorms...

It's pouring, it's pouring,

The old man is snoring,

He fell out of bed, and bumped his head,

Just listen to him roaring.

Frank.

P.S. Alan, much thanks for the instructions on cut & paste. When it comes to p.c. skills, I'm a good plumber.

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Jon W.
Date: 16 Sep 97 - 01:40 PM

Is "the dirty old man from China" a variant of "Maids when you're young never wed and old man" which is in DT?

Subject: Lyr Add: DIRTY OLD MAN FROM CHINA
From: Sheye
Date: 16 Sep 97 - 12:05 PM

Oh, Dick: this one's for you. (Ya sure ya want this?) I will deny ever having sung this. As strange as it is true, I learnt this from my grade three teacher (not during school) and am sure I am missing verses. Does anyone recall the rest?

DIRTY OLD MAN FROM CHINA

My mother told me to open the door,
But I didn't wanna.
So I opened the door and he peed on the floor,
That dirty old man from China!

My mother told me to get him a drink,
But I didn't wanna.
So I got him a drink and he showed me his dink,
That dirty old man from China.

My mother told me to take him to the movies,
But I didn't wanna.
So I took him to the movies and he looked at my boobies,
That dirty old man from China.

My mother told me to marry him,
But I didn't wanna.
So I married him and I buried him,
That dirty old man from China!

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Alan of Australia
Date: 16 Sep 97 - 11:51 AM

Laoise,
I can't believe I'm actually doing this but when I went to school in the fifties it went like this:

Hitler, only had one big ball
Stalin had two but very small
Himmler was something sim'lar
And poor old Goebbels had no balls at all.

I suppose we were young and innocent but we did know they weren't cricket balls. (They couldn't have been - none of the gentlemen in the song were English)

Cheers,
Alan

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 16 Sep 97 - 11:28 AM

Please keep these coming in! It's probably the purest form of folk music extant.

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Bert
Date: 16 Sep 97 - 11:16 AM

We used to sing, to the tune of Strawberry Roan

Oh Grannie's red drawers,
Oh Grannie's red drawers,
There's a hole in the middle so Grannie can piddle
Oh Grannie's red drawers

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Frank in the swamps
Date: 16 Sep 97 - 04:57 AM

There was an old lady on my street who used to shout at the children who plagued her, particularly when the children were vulgar, so we would shout things at her house like..

Popeye the sailor man,

lived in a jar of jam,

the jam was so sticky, it stuck to his dicky,

that's Popeye the sailor man.

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Jack
Date: 15 Sep 97 - 05:30 PM

My best childhood memories are singing these songs on buses or on the walk home.

Here's one we didn't sing in front of mom and dad.
You had to drag out the words as indicated to give the impression you were going to say something you shouldn't


A little miss
Went out to piiiiiick som flowers
She went in grass
Up to her aaaaaaaaankles deep
She saw a bird
Lay down a Turrrrrrrrkey feather
It broke her heart
She let faaaaarrrrrrmer take her home.

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Jon W.
Date: 15 Sep 97 - 05:01 PM

How about this verse for the Old Gray Mare:

The old gray mare went floating down the Delaware
looking for her underware
couldn't find them anywhere
The old gray mare she had to buy another pair
Many long years ago

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Alice Cascorbi
Date: 15 Sep 97 - 01:51 PM

Ok, just a few more! I have a soft spot for these kid parodies. Some must be pretty old --

(Another Popeye verse):
I'm Popeye the sailor man,
I live in the frying pan,
I turn on the gas and burn off my ass,
I'm Popeye the sailor man.

________
God bless my underwear
my only pair
stand beside it, and guide it
through the holes and the rips and the tears.
From the washer, to the dryer, to the clothesline, wild and free,
God bless my underwear, my only pair.

Others are pop-culture commentaries:

McDonald's is your kind of place
They serve you rattlesnakes
Put french fries up your nose
and hamburgers between your toes
Last time that I was there
We had to eat my underwear
McDonald's is your family place to go!

And then there are parodies of real folksongs, like the Good Ship Titanic. Most of the verses are the same as the "real" song, but there are embellishments:

Fishies and turtles, little ladies lost their girdles, it was sad when the great ship went down.
Oh it was sad (it was sad), it was sad (TOO bad!), it was sad when the great ship went down--
Uncles and aunts, little boys lost their pants, it was sad when the great ship went down.

Or this version of "Barges", which we sang all too often at Girl Scout camp:

Out of my tent flaps, looking in the night,
I can see the councelors having a fight.
Suddenly flows the water from the john,
as the councelors' fight goes on and on.
Councellors, I would like to fight with you,
I would like to beat you black and blue.
Councellors, have you treasure in your hold,
Do you fight with raccoons brave and bold?

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Alice Cascorbi
Date: 15 Sep 97 - 01:34 PM

Yeah, I remember these songs!!! Great to see this thread!!
As I remember, the "other" Miss Lucy song went:

Miss Lucy had a baby
she named him Tiny Tim
She put him in the bathtub
to see if he could swim
He drank up all the water
he ate up all the soap
he tried to eat the bathtub
but it wouldn't go down his throat
Miss Lucy called the doctor
Miss Lucy called the nurse
Miss Lucy called the lady with the alligator purse
In walked the doctor, in walked the nurse
(etc.etc.)alligator purse
The baby bit the doctor, the baby bit the nurse, the baby bit the lady with the alligator purse
Out walked the doctor, out walked the nurse, out walked the lady with the alligator purse

In Cleveland where I was a kid in the early 70's girls did this song as a clap-hands chant.

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Jon W.
Date: 15 Sep 97 - 10:41 AM

Well I guess my kids aren't all that naughty because the best I can come up with is the version of Rudolph the red nosed reindeer with the echos (in parentheses)

Rudolph the red nosed reindeer (reindeer)
had a very shiny nose (like a lightbulb)
and if you ever saw it (saw it)
you would even say it glows (like a lightbulb)
All of the other reindeer(reindeer)
used to laugh and call him names (like Pinochio)
they never let poor Rudolph (Rudolph)
join in any reindeer games (like football)

Then one foggy Christmas eve,
Santa came to say (ho ho ho)
Rudolph with your nose so bright,
won't you guide my sleigh tonight?

Then all the reindeer loved him (loved him)
and they shouted out with glee (yippee)
Rudolph the red-nose reindeer (reindeer)
you'll go down in history (like Columbus)

If memory serves, this was featured on an episode of "The Simpsons."

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Sheye
Date: 15 Sep 97 - 10:32 AM

I can't get into the DT to see if this was ever posted,
so just in case it isn't, welcome to my childhood
naughtiness.

Three Irishmen

Three irishmen, three irishmen,
Sitting in a ditch
One called the other a dirty son of a

Peter Piper had a dog, a mighty fine dog was he,
He sold it to a lady to keep her company.
She fed it, she pet it, she taught it how to jump.
It jumped right up her petticoat and grabbed her by the

Country boy, country boy, sitting on a fence,
Along came a bumble bee and stung him on the
Cocktail, gingerale, ten cents a glass,
If you do not like it, just shove it up your

Ask me no questions, I'll tell you no more lies,
If you happen to get hit with a bucket of shit,
Be sure to close your eyes!


... and the still popular...

I have seen the burning of the burning of the school
We tortured all the teachers and we broke the golden rule.
We're gonna hang the principal tomorrow afternoon,
But I wish it were today, hey, hey, hey

Glory, glory, alleluja (sic, see what happens when you're
a non-practicing catholic, your spelling goes down the tubes.)
Teacher hit me with a ruler.
I met her at the door, with a 40-44
And she ain't gonna teach no more.


Also did the Miss Lucy thing, but the glass was behind the
Iron Curtain instead of the fridge.

These were the playground songs. The defiance we felt, and the giggling. Looking back, it was neat the way the teachers just rolled their eyes and ignored us, giving us the space to be inducted into that circle of childhood comraderie, much like the secret handshake, and knowing that we didn't mean it (really!).

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Laoise
Date: 15 Sep 97 - 10:24 AM

We had a different version to Miss Lucy...

Mary had a little lamb, she thought it rather silly,
She threw it up into the air and caught it by it's...
Willie was a sheep dog sitting on the ground
Along came a bee and stung him on his....
Ask no questions tell no lies,
Ever see a p'liceman doing up his....
Flies are a nuisance, bugs are worse
And this is the end of my silly little verse.


On the penultimate day of school we used to sing a couple of wee ditty's:

One more day of school, one more day of sorrow,
One more day of this and that
We'll be home tomorrow.

We used to make up the rest of the verses, usually about some teacher we all loved to hate.

Then there was the old wartime favourite:

Hitler, only had one ball
The other was in the Albert Hall

It went on for a bit (memory fading here) but it ended something like ...and Goeble's had no balls at all...

Not only did we not have a clue what these "balls" were, (I certainly didn't), we didn't even know who Hitler was when we first learnt it.

Anyone know the rest of these?

Slan

Laoise

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Akiba
Date: 14 Sep 97 - 05:30 PM

Catfeet: Now you're into another genre: jumprope chants. Would anyone like to start a new thread?

Akiba

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Catfeet
Date: 14 Sep 97 - 05:02 PM

My 2 cents and a different version of the Miss Lucy song.

Miss Lucy had a steamboat, the steamboat had a bell
Miss Lucy went to heaven the steamboat went to
Hello operator, give me number nine,
And if you disconnect me I'll kick you
Right behind the 'frigerator there was a piece of glass
Miss Lucy sat upon it, it went right up her
Ask me no more questions, I'll tell you no more lies.
The boys are in the bathroom zipping up their
Flies are in the garbage the bees are in the park
The boys and girls are kissing in the D A R K, D A R K,
Dark is like a movie, a movie's like a show,
A show is like a TV set and that is all I know know know.

I also seem to remember one about Miss Lucy having a baby and giving it a bath, but she used bubble bath, which the baby ate, so she called the doctor and the lady with the alligator purse. I'll have to ask my sister about that one. It was one I remember her bringing home from school.

Catfeet

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Barry
Date: 14 Sep 97 - 03:41 PM

These steamboat versions seem to run close to the Bang Bang Lulu genere (she was famous in the US Navy). See Bang Bang Lulu in the DT Barry Finn

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Joe Offer
Date: 14 Sep 97 - 01:55 AM

Hey, lookie there! TWO versions of "Humoresque! Who woulda thunk it. Thanks for pointing that out, Dick. The versatility of the database never ceases to amaze me. It covers just about every durn thing, and then some.
-Joe Offer-

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Akiba
Date: 14 Sep 97 - 01:09 AM

Another version of the steamboat/bell song:

Lulu had a steamboat; steamboat had a bell;
Lulu went to heaven; steamboat went to...
Hello, operator; give me number nine;
If you don't I'll kick you, right in the ...
Behind the 'frigerator, Lulu broke a glass;
Then she slipped upon it and broke her big,fat ...
Ask me no questions; I'll tell you no lies;
If you do , I'll punch you right between the eyes!

Ah! The innocence of youth!

Akiba

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Jerry Friedman
Date: 13 Sep 97 - 03:13 PM

Our variant of the third line above was "I eat all the worms and I spit out the germs"

LaMarca, here in the home of the brave (Cleveland, Ohio, to be precise) we used to sing, "I bopped her on the bean with a rotten tangerine,/ And boy did she turn green." I think I've heard the version about the .44 too.

And here's the version I remember of the steamboat/bell song Earl mentioned, with more "jokes":

Miss Lucy had a steamboat, the steamboat had a bell,
Miss Lucy went to heaven and the steamboat went to
Hello, operator, give me number nine,
And if you disconnect me I will kick you in the
Behind the 'frigerator, there was a piece of glass.
Miss Lucy stepped upon it and she broke her little
Ask me no more questions, I'll tell you no more lies,
And that's the end of Lucy's little lovable lullabies!

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Earl
Date: 13 Sep 97 - 10:06 AM

I'm Popeye the Sailor Man
I live in a garbage can
I love to go swimmin with bare naked women
I'm Popeye the Sailor Man

(not in the database)

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: rich r
Date: 13 Sep 97 - 09:16 AM

OK after I posted, I thought I'd probably have to clarify (to make it butter?)

Joe's got a head like a ping-pong ball
Joe's got a head like a ping-pong ball
Joe's got a head like a ping-pong ball, ping-pong, ping-pong ball
Joe's got a head lie a ping-pong, ping-pong, ping-pong, ping-pong, ping-pong ball
Joe's got a head like a ping-pong, ping-pong, ping-pong, ping-pong, ping-pong ball...(back to the first line)

In the same vein (weather you like it or not), you can also convey the real story.

William Tell, William Tell, see they've got your son
William Tell, William Tell, he's the only one,
William Tell, William Tell, apple on his head,
If you miss, he'll be dead.
William Tell, William Tell, now you take your shot
William Tell, William Tell, Oh it's dead he's not
William Tell, William Tell, this is Gessler's doin'
And Rossini wrote the tune (last word pronounced to rhyme with "doin'")

Now to "Humoresque"

Following the Sherman's horse triplet:

Washington was very firm
And Lincoln didn't even squirm
Darling, that's why I'm in love with you.

Another verse is:

If you simply have to go
When other people are too slow
There is only one thing you can do.
You'll just have to take a chance
Be brave and do it in your pants
But I'll forgive you, darling I love you.

It has been reported that the original verse "Passengers etc." was co-written in the 1930's by former Supreme Court Justice William O Douglas and a fellow Yale law professor Thurman Arnold as they were riding on the New Haven Railroad. They were inspired by a sign in the toilet. Thurman reportedly addressed the passengers and taught them to sing the song in unison.

Here is a somewhat bawdier version that incorporates a few of the original lines:

I love to go out after dark
And goose the statues in the park
A lovely pastime at the close of day
Unperturbed they stand so still,
While WHOOPS! it's me that gets the thrill
It really is a lovely way to play.

I've noticed lately
They stand so stately
Out there in the dark when dew is on the ground
I sometimes tease them
And do displease them
If I fail to show up as the sun goes down.

The Thinker is the only one
With whom I can have no fun
He sits upon a boulder, rough and coarse
Napoleon sits upon his steed
I cannot goose him, no indeed
And so instead I goose his horse.

Passengers will please refrain
From flushing toilets while the train
Is standing in the station, I love you
Prostitutes and lovely ladies
Have to douche or they'll have babies
If Sherman's horse can take it why can't you?

Ever since you met our Nelly
She's had trouble with her belly
Wish you'd never seen our little town
Ever since I met your Venus
I've had trouble with my penis
Wish I'd never seen your little town.

Source - "Erotic Muse" by Ed Cray

rich r

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: RS
Date: 13 Sep 97 - 06:14 AM

To rich r: Your post says: "The tune for the title song is the Overture from William Tell (aka the Lone Ranger's theme). That is all of the words. The lines are filled in by adding various numbers of "ping" and "pong" to fit the notes". Do you mean something like - "ping ping ping, ping ping ping, ping ping ping pong ping" ???

By the way, where does the Lone Ranger take his garbage out?

"To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump"!!!

Subject: Lyr Add: PASSENGERS WILL PLEASE REFRAIN
From: Joe Offer
Date: 13 Sep 97 - 03:32 AM

PASSENGERS WILL PLEASE REFRAIN
(sung to the tune of Humoresque)

Passengers will please refrain
From flushing toilets while the train
Is standing in the station, I love you.

We encourage constipation
While the train is in the station,
Moonlight always makes me think of you.

If you need to pass some water
Kindly call the Pullman porter,
He'll place a vessel in the vestibule.

If these measures are in vain,
Simply break a windowpane
This novel method's used by very few

As we go romping through the park
Goosing statues in the dark,
If Sherman's horse can take it, why can't you??

Somebody brought this to our song circle this evening. Somebody said there are other verses, including one about "hobos riding underneath" and "when knighthood was in flower and maidens lost their heads…." Anybody know the rest of those verses?

-Joe Offer-

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: rich r
Date: 13 Sep 97 - 12:36 AM

A rather sizeable collection of these types of songs can be found in the book "Joe's Got A Head Like a Ping Pong Ball" by Marcia and Jon Pankake. It was originally published in 1988 under the title of "A Prairie Home Companion Folk Song Book". The idea for the book derived from a "Department of Folksong" segment that Garrison Keillor had for a couple years on his radio show. Listeners were encouraged to send in lyrics and tunes they remembered from childhood. Some of them were sung on the show by Garrison, Kate McKenzie, Greg Brown, Robin & Linda Williams and other guests. At one point they did an entire program of these songs. The book was reissued a couple years later with the new title. The tune for the title song is the Overture from William Tell (aka the Lone Ranger's theme). That is all of the words. The lines are filled in by adding various numbers of "ping" and "pong" to fit the notes.

rich r