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BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011 From: MGM·Lion Date: 14 Sep 11 - 12:31 PM He heard it as "[H]orse piss". |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011 From: Doug Chadwick Date: 14 Sep 11 - 12:39 PM 'orse piss |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011 From: Mrrzy Date: 14 Sep 11 - 09:38 PM tx |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011 From: GUEST,999 Date: 14 Sep 11 - 09:51 PM It ain't funny! |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011 From: MGM·Lion Date: 03 Oct 11 - 04:27 PM A man entered a bank in Liverpool and approached a window with the nameplate Patrick O'Connor. "Good morning. My name is Ali-Abu Jagger and I wish to borrow a million pounds." "Well, sor, we would need to have some pretty good security for a sum like that." The man took a pin from his cravat. "Those are all real diamonds. I think this should provide sufficient collateral.' "Excuse me, sor; I must just consult the manager."... "There's a man outside called Ali-Abu Jagger," said Mr O'Connor, "and he says he wants to borrow a million on no security but this knick-knack." The manager, a local man, examined the diamond pin carefully with a jeweller's lens. "Why ~~ that's no knick-knack, Paddy wack! Give the wog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone." |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011 From: Mrrzy Date: 04 Oct 11 - 02:46 PM We don't serve your kind here, said the bartender. A neutrino walks into a bar... |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011 From: Nigel Parsons Date: 05 Oct 11 - 05:16 AM The two commentators for the USA vs Brazil soccer match had discussed the pre-match stats and were ready to go to the break when the Brazil team take the field. The camera zooms in showing that every team member has shaved the two sides of their heads: Comm 1: Are those 'mohawks'? Comm 2: No, they're Brazilians! |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011 From: Joe_F Date: 05 Oct 11 - 05:32 PM A pious person prays: "O Lord, I have heard that a thousand years are as but a minute to Thee. Then it must be that a thousand dollars are as but a penny. If it be Thy will, might I have one of those pennies?" A voice from heaven thunders: "Sure. Just a minute." |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011 From: GUEST,gillymor Date: 05 Oct 11 - 09:30 PM Woman: Doctor, every time I sneeze I have an orgasm. Doctor: Hmm, interesting. What are you taking for it? Woman: Snuff. |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 07 Oct 11 - 08:54 AM "Mid-Life Barbie" Introducing the new, improved MID-LIFE BARBIE: Now, at long last, here are some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her and OUR aging gracefully. These are a bit more realistic. 1. BIFOCALS BARBIE: Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too), neck chain and large print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living. 2. HOT FLASH BARBIE: Press Barbie's belly button and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with hand-held fan and tiny tissues. 3. FACIAL HAIR BARBIE: As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror. 4. FLABBY ARMS BARBIE: Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front too- muumuus with tummy support panels are included. 5. BUNION BARBIE: Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules. 6. NO-MORE-WRINKLES BARBIE: Erase those pesky crow's feet and lip lines with a tube os Skin Sparkle Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age- blasting cosmetics. 7. SOCCER MOM BARBIE: All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken Jr. Comes with a SUV in robin-egg blue or white, and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch. 8. DIVORCED BARBIE: Sells for $399.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car and Ken's boat. 9. POST-MENOPAUSAL BARBIE: This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things and cries a lot. She is sick of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 13 Oct 11 - 09:06 AM "Medical Alert!" A highly dangerous virus called "Weekly Overload Recreational Killer" (WORK) is currently going around. If you come in contact with this WORK VIRUS, you should immediately go to the nearest "Biological Anxiety Relief" (BAR) centre to take antidotes known as "Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract" (WINE), "Radioactive UnWORK Medicine"(RUM), "Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter"(BEER) or "Vaccino Officio Depression Killing Antigen"(VODKA.) |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 13 Oct 11 - 09:07 AM "The Proposal" Jimmie, an 80-year-old gentleman, retired to Florida after his wife of 58 years had passed away. He was quite alone in the world and longed for companionship. One day, as he was walking through a public park, he spied what he considered to be a very pretty silver- haired lady sitting alone on a park bench. Getting his nerve up, he approached the lady and asked graciously, "Pardon me, ma'am, but may I sit here with you." The silver-haired Marcia looked up to see a distinguished looking white-haired gentleman and replied, "Why certainly," and scooted over gently to give him room to sit down. For the next two hours the two sat and talked about everything. They discovered that they came from the same part of the country, liked the same big band music, voted for the same presidential candidates, had had long happy marriages and lost their spouses in the last year, and in general agreed about almost everything. Finally, the old gentleman cleared his throat and asked sheepishly, "Ma'am, may I ask you two questions?" With great anticipation Marcia replied, "Why certainly!" The old gentleman removed a handkerchief from his coat pocket and spread it out on the ground before her. He very gingerly got down on one knee and looked her softly in the eyes. "Marcia, I know we've only known each other for a couple of hours, but we have so much in common. I feel I have known you all my life. Will you marry me and be my wife?" Marcia grabbed at Jimmie's hands and said, "Why, yes, I will marry you! You have made me so very happy!" She reached over and kissed him gently on the cheek. Then Marcia said, "You said you had two questions to ask me. What is the second question?" Jimmie scratched his neck and said, "Will you help me get up?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 16 Oct 11 - 10:31 AM "Left-Handed" Little Bobby was spending the weekend with his grandmother after a particularly trying week in kindergarten. His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful. His grandmother remarked, "Doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?" Bobby said, "Yes, God did it. And he did it left- handed!" This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him, "What makes you say God did this with his left hand?" "Well," said Bobby, "we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God's right hand!" --------- "Learning To Spell" My son, Mitchell, a kindergartner, practices spelling with magnetic letters on the refrigerator: cat, dog, dad, and mom have been proudly displayed for all to see. One morning while getting ready for the day, Mitchell bounded into the room with his arms outstretched. In his hands were three magnetic letters: "G-O-D". "Look what I spelled, Mom!" Mitch exclaimed, a proud smile on his face. "That's wonderful!" I praised him. "Now go put them on the fridge so Dad can see when he gets home tonight." That Catholic education is certainly having an impact, I thought, happily. Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen. "Mom? How do you spell 'zilla?'" |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011 From: GUEST,Mrr at work Date: 17 Oct 11 - 09:01 PM So, the Jewish pedophile is scouting the neighborhood in his van... ...Hey, little boy, would you like to buy some candy? |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 18 Oct 11 - 10:42 AM "Good Dog" A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation. He wrote: "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?" An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too." |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011 From: Joe_F Date: 18 Oct 11 - 08:15 PM If Descartes had been Jewish: "M. Descartes, how do I know I exist?' "Who's eskink?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011 From: John MacKenzie Date: 19 Oct 11 - 04:48 AM So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest kinda pissed off because he doesn't want to be yellow. Life would be easier if he were brown like the other toads... He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing. Anyway... This yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother. "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other toads," he begs her. "I'm hacked off being so visible to predators. The stress is like, killing me, you know?" "Okay" says the fairy godmother, who whips out her magic wand and goes: "Abracapokus! You're brown!" The toad looks down and sees that he is brown ! Except..... for his weenie, which is still yellow. "Hang about lady," he says to the fairy godmother, "My pecker's still yellow!" "Yeah, well I don't do weenies," she says, "You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz for that." So the toad thanks her and hops off on his way. There is also a purple bear wandering about the very same woods. As luck would have it, he encounters the very same fairy godmother (yes okay it's a coincidence, but it's true). "Fairy Godmother! You're just the person I need!" says the purple bear, "I can't pull any bearesses cos they don't want to be seen with me on account of the hunters. They can spot me from a mile off." Being a fairly nice fairy godmother, she takes out her magic wand. "Oh for goodness sake, what is the matter with you lot round here." she says. And with that, she yells: "Pokuscadabra! You're brown!" The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown. Except for his goolies, which remain purple. "Hold up sweetheart!", he says to the fairy godmother, "My goolies are still purple!" "Yeah, well I don't do those goolie things," she replies, "You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz for that." "Well that's just dandy, innit?" the bear replies, "How the hell do I find the Wizard of Oz?" "Easy," says the fairy godmother as she flew off........... ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ you know what's coming don't you ? ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ you'll be sorry after this.... ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ she flew off, saying....... "Just follow the yellow-dick toad !! |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011 From: MGM·Lion Date: 19 Oct 11 - 06:24 AM Great joke, John. But, just a suggestion, wouldn't "yellow-prick toad"...? |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 20 Oct 11 - 08:32 PM "The New Hunter" It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walked down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he found his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage. Jake asked her, "What are you up to?" Alice smiled. "I'm going hunting with you!" Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decided to take her along. Later they arrived at the hunting site. Jake set his wife safely up in the tree stand and told her, "If you see a deer, take careful aim and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot." Jake walked away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant, much less a deer. Not 10 minutes passed when he was startled as he heard an array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake ran back. As Jake got closer to her stand, he heard Alice screaming: "Get away from my deer!" Confused, Jake raced faster towards his screaming wife. And again he heard her yell: "Get away from my deer!" followed by another volley of gunfire! Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake was surprised to see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air. The cowboy, obviously distraught, said, "Okay, lady, okay!!!! You can have your deer!!! Just let me get my saddle off it!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011 From: Ref Date: 20 Oct 11 - 09:39 PM Hey, Mrr at work, nothing like an offensive stereotype... |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011 From: MGM·Lion Date: 21 Oct 11 - 06:48 AM If it takes a man 20 minutes to chew a ham, how long will it take him to chew a hammer? Give up? It depends whether he is a professional or a hammer-chewer. |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011 From: Mrrzy Date: 21 Oct 11 - 05:11 PM Yeah, two at once, not to mention the wandering jew pun, not bad, eh? One of the worst jokes I've heard in years! |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011 From: GUEST,Uncle_DaveO Date: 22 Oct 11 - 10:13 AM "New Pastor's Sermons" A church received a new pastor. On his first sermon he spoke for ten minutes. The second sermon he spoke was about forty minutes. Yet the third message lasted almost two hours, as the pastor watched the time and asked the Lord to let him close. Before the next service several of the members had a talk with him, "Pastor," they said, "We love the messages you have given us, but we don't understand why the time frame difference." The pastor replied with, "On the first day I had just received a new set of teeth, and after the first ten minutes they began to hurt, and I asked the Lord to let me close." "The second message lasted about forty minutes, which is about normal for me."
"I was amazed at the length of the third one. I could |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011 From: John MacKenzie Date: 28 Oct 11 - 06:02 AM A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck." "I see your eyes are working," replies the duck. "And you can talk!" exclaims the barman. "I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?" "Certainly. Sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck a pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?" "I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer." The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves. The same thing happens for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him, "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!" "Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call." So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money." "I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?" "At the circus," says the barman. "The circus?" repeats the duck. "That's right," replies the barman. "The circus?" the duck asks again. "With the big tent?" "Yeah," the barman replies. "With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck. "Of course," the barman replies. "And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck. "That's right!" says the barman. The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says . . . > > > > > > > "What the f—— would they want with a plasterer??!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011 From: Dave Sutherland Date: 28 Oct 11 - 08:27 AM A psychic midget has escaped from prison. There is a small medium at large. |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 28 Oct 11 - 08:55 AM "Horse Shopping" A rich man was trying to find his daughter a birthday gift when he saw a poor man with a beautiful white horse. He told the man that he would give him $500 for the horse. The poor man replied, "I don't know mister, it don't look so good," and walked away. The next day the rich man came back and offered the poor man $1000 for the horse. The poor man said, "I don't know mister, it don't look so good." On the third day the rich man offered the poor man $2000 for the horse, and said he wouldn't take no for an answer. The poor man agreed, and the rich man took the horse home. The rich man's daughter loved her present. She climbed onto the horse, then galloped right into a tree. The rich man rushed back over to the poor man's house, demanding an explanation for the horse's blindness. The poor man replied, "I told you twice! It don't look so good." |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011 From: MGM·Lion Date: 30 Oct 11 - 07:50 AM Why shouldn't you wear Ukrainian underpants? Chernobyl fallout. |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011 From: Donuel Date: 30 Oct 11 - 04:24 PM http://i1105.photobucket.com/albums/h352/Donuel/signs-of-the-times4.jpg |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011 From: Bert Date: 30 Oct 11 - 06:25 PM That's not a joke Donuel. |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011 From: Donuel Date: 03 Nov 11 - 03:02 PM Some of them are. "If the NBA can compromise then so can Congress" We're the Fahgawee" etc. Antway I can picture things better than tell jokes. |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011 From: Jim Dixon Date: 04 Nov 11 - 06:41 PM A farmer was chatting with others at a church supper. He told them he'd spent the day "spreading manure." His daughter whispered to her mother. "He's so uncouth! It's embarrassing. Couldn't you get him to say 'fertilizer'?" The mother said, "Fertilizer! It took me ten years to get him to say 'manure.'" |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 04 Nov 11 - 09:51 PM "Ostrich" A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him. As he sits, the bartender comes over and asks for their order. The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?" "I'll have a beer, too." says the ostrich. The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment. The next day, the man, and the ostrich come again, and the man says, "I'll have a beer," and the ostrich says "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the two enter again." The usual?" asks the bartender. "Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large scotch" says the man. "Same for me" says the ostrich. "That will be $7.20" says the bartender. Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar. The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money will always be there." "That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live! "That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. The bartender asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?" The man replies, "My second wish was for a chick with long legs." |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 05 Nov 11 - 10:56 AM The Frog While taking a walk in the woods, a man comes across a little frog. The frog asks the man if it's OK if they walk together for a while, and the man tells the frog to suit itself. After a while the man decides to go home and the frog asks if it might come along and again, the man assents. After reaching home, the man attempts to say goodbye but the frog boldly asks if it can come in and stay for dinner. A little miffed but not wanting to insult the frog, the man says, "Fine, come in and have dinner." After that, the man decides to go to bed and tells the frog it's time for it to go back to the woods. But the frog doesn't want to go and asks if it can spend the night. The man is too shocked at this request to say anything but yes. Now they're both in bed and the frog says, "Hey, aren't you gonna kiss me good night?" The man, seemingly under the frog's spell, kisses the frog. And then, all of a sudden, the frog turns into a beautiful, nubile 16-year-old girl! And that, your honor, is the heart of our defense. (Hey: you knew it was a fairy tale as soon as the frog talked!) |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 05 Nov 11 - 12:23 PM Letter from MIT This is supposedly a real letter that a student named John Mongan got from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. His not-to-be-missed reply follows. Make sure you see the result at the end. ---------------- April 18, 1994 Mr. John T. Mongan 123 Main Street Smalltown, California 94123-4567 Dear John: You've got the grades. You've certainly got the PSAT scores. And now you've got a letter from MIT. Maybe you're surprised. Most students would be. But you're not most students. And that's exactly why I urge you to consider carefully one of the most selective universities in America. The level of potential reflected in your performance is a powerful indicator that you might well be an excellent candidate for MIT. It certainly got my attention! Engineering's not for you? No problem. It may surprise you to learn we offer more than 40 major fields of study, from architecture to brain and cognitive sciences, from economics (perhaps the best program in the country) to writing. What? Of course, you don't want to be bored. Who does? Life here is tough and demanding, but it's also fun. MIT students are imaginative and creative -- inside and outside the classroom. You're interested in athletics? Great! MIT has more varsity teams -- 39 -- than almost any other university, and a tremendous intramural program so everybody can participate. You think we're too expensive? Don't be too sure. We've got surprises for you there, too. Why not send the enclosed Information Request to find out more about this unique institution? Why not do it right now? Sincerely, Michael C. Benhke Director of Admissions P.S. If you'd like a copy of a fun-filled, fact-filled brochure, "Insight," just check the appropriate box on the form. ---------- May 5, 1994 Michael C. Behnke MIT Director of Admissions Office of Admissions, Room 3-108 Cambridge MA 02139-4307 Dear Michael: You've got the reputation. You've certainly got the pomposity. And now you've got a letter from John Mongan. Maybe you're surprised. Most universities would be. But you're not most universities. And that's exactly why I urge you to carefully consider one of the most selective students in America, so selective that he will choose only one of the thousands of accredited universities in the country. The level of pomposity and lack of tact reflected in your letter is a powerful indicator that your august institution might well be a possibility for John Mongan's future education. It certainly got my attention! Don't want Bio-Chem students? No problem. It may surprise you to learn that my interests cover over 400 fields of study, from semantics to limnology, from object-oriented programming (perhaps one of the youngest professionals in the country) to classical piano. What? Of course you don't want egotistical jerks. Who does? I am self indulgent and over confident, but I'm also amusing. John Mongan is funny and amusing -- whether you're laughing with him or at him. You're interested in athletes? Great! John Mongan has played more sports -- 47 -- than almost any other student, including oddball favorites such as Orienteering. You think I can pay for your school? Don't be too sure. I've got surprises for you there, too. Why not send a guaranteed admission and full scholarship to increase your chance of being selected by John Mongan? Why not do it right now? Sincerely, John Mongan P.S. If you'd like a copy of a fun-filled, fact-filled brochure, "John Mongan: What a Guy!" just ask. - - - And the punchline? He went to Stanford. |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011 From: GUEST,DaveA Date: 05 Nov 11 - 10:03 PM The Resettlement Blues Harry had a problem. Or rather, he had several problems but one in particular that really got up his nose every day. He'd been baptized (which as a committed atheist also offended him) Hendryk which was a good Dutch name, but since he'd emigrated to South Africa & settled in Cape Town everyone he came in contact with insisted on shortening it to Harry. He really didn't like that. It was a shame really. Although he'd upped & left his native Holland despairing of the "cradle to grave" oversight of the Socialist Government, he remained a patriotic Dutchman and resolutely resistant to any and all attempts to assimilate him into Die Volk. He spoke only good Dutch (rather than the mongrel Afrikaans) at home to his wife and daughter, insisted that they ate good food like kroketten, rookwurst and snert (none of that ponsified British pea soup for them), sought out other Dutchmen to socialize with and generally tried to remain true to Queen & Country. But no-one (except his wife) would call him by his given name. He even suspected that when she talked about him to her friends she called him Harry! And now, as Femke (now there was a good Dutch name) was growing up, he was having even more problems maintaining his ethnicity. He'd tried to do the right thing by her, recognizing that the English Speaking schools in Cape Town were far superior to those of the Afrikaners and he'd not begrudged her the fees, the uniforms or even the need for her to speak English. That he could & did tolerate but it was her friends with their English customs and frivolities who stuck in his craw. They made it so much harder for him to train Femke in a proper Dutch manner and the more she saw of them the more she wished to be like them and dress like them and, and (the word stuck in his throat) frolic like them. No decent Dutch maiden frolicked!!! He'd never heard of the old advice about keeping a wife barefoot, pregnant & in the kitchen but he would have considered it to be sage if he had. That should be what a Dutch maiden aspired to be and that was what he was rearing her to be. It was hard work though. They were all against him; her school friends, his work colleagues (who laughed at his traditions and called him an antique) and even his wife Maria (who if truth be known wanted for her daughter a far happier upbringing & marriage than her own) And now this latest fiasco. All her friends had pets so she wanted a pet. They had a perfectly good aquarium in their apartment with several goldfish but that wasn't enough for her. She had to have a creature she could touch, and well, pet and one that would respond to her. Oh, the discussions! Harry's daughter didn't argue with Harry but the discussions over a pet went on and on and on. First, it was a horse. A horse?? Absolutely no way!! The cost, the agistment, the equipment, the riding lessons, the maintenance, the list was endless. Surely she knew that a horse was a farm animal not a child's pet! So then it was a dog. Harry was more receptive to that. A good Dutch dog like a Keeshond or a Stabyhoun would make a fine watchdog even if their apartment was too small for it and it had to sleep outside the front door. But no, that wouldn't suit her. She wanted a little dog like a Poodle or a Fox Terrier she could pickup and cuddle!! So a dog was out too. So that left a cat. He didn't want a cat. Back home they lived in the barn with the cattle & caught mice and the occasional bird and didn't have much to do with people other than showing off their latest litter of kittens. When he thought about it he was sure there had to be a Dutch breed of cat though for the life of him he couldn't think of any. But, on reflection, he realized that this was probably the best chance of domestic peace he was going to get. A cat it would be. Though, by God, it would have to be a proper Dutch cat or nothing. So, he told Maria of his decision and she told Femke what sort of cat it would have to be and last Saturday morning they had trouped off to the local Pet Shop to find a cat, Harry, Maria, Femke and 3 of her schoolmates. So simple but such a disaster!!! They had found the shop quite quickly and Femke had fallen in love with a fluffy little kitten sitting in the window display. So Harry had told her, "Go to the shopkeeper and ask about the kitten's parentage" But she was shy and had insisted they all come in with her. And, because of that, there was a receptive audience to Harry's eternal shame, when she approached the shopkeeper and ……. sang ……… "How Dutch is that Moggy in the Window". |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011 From: GUEST,Uncle_DaveO Date: 07 Nov 11 - 09:17 AM "Speeding" Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." "Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer asks. "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 119." |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 08 Nov 11 - 12:59 PM "Sarcastic Remarks To Get You Through The Day" And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...? Do I look like bloody people person? I started out with nothing, and still have most of it left. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me. If I throw a stick, will you leave? If I want to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cats. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe? A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth. Allow me to introduce my selves. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees and then name streets after them. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable. I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house? It ain't the size, it's... no, it is the size. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality. Okay, okay, I take it back! UN-screw you! Too many freaks, not enough circuses. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done. I plead contemporary insanity. Meandering to a different drummer. |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011 From: Joe_F Date: 08 Nov 11 - 06:16 PM His Lordship's valet, assisting His Lordship after his bath, noticed His Lordship in a state of excitement unusual for his age. "Shall I summon Her Ladyship?" he asked. "Heavens, no!" was the reply, "Fetch me a pair of baggy trousers. I mean to smuggle this into London." |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011 From: Wilfried Schaum Date: 09 Nov 11 - 10:34 AM "I'm married now for 20 years, and I still love the same woman." "Wow - isn't that wonderful?" "Yeah, but if my wife finds out, she'll kill me." |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011 From: Mrrzy Date: 16 Nov 11 - 11:28 AM So, the head lawyer at the big firm dies, and everybody was going to the funeral. One partner slipped in late, just as the service was starting. The latecomer whispers, where are we in the program? And the neighbor whispers back: They are just opening the case for the defense. |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011 From: Donuel Date: 17 Nov 11 - 09:55 AM So govenor what is your response to the Penn State scandal? "Be it the NCAA, the entire coaching staff, police force, the missing DA, the board of govenors at Penn State and executive office holders and investors...The only people who did not cover their ass, were the children." |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011 From: Jim Dixon Date: 17 Nov 11 - 10:10 AM Q: Why does Penn State deliberately not score in the first half of a football game? A: Because it's good to get a little behind in the locker room at halftime. (Sorry, that was really bad taste.) |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011 From: Midchuck Date: 18 Nov 11 - 06:48 AM Donuel: That's simple truth. But I'm not sure it qualifies as a joke. P. |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011 From: mayomick Date: 21 Nov 11 - 03:34 AM A light wave What does a neutrino give to his adoring fans as he gets into the collider? |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011 From: GUEST,Uncle_DaveO Date: 21 Nov 11 - 09:41 AM "College Grades" A professor stood before his class of 20 senior organic biology students, about to hand out the final exam. "I want to say that it's been a pleasure teaching you this semester. I know you've all worked extremely hard and many of you are off to medical school after summer. So that no one gets their GPA messed up because they might have been celebrating a bit too much this week, anyone who would like to opt out of the final exam today will receive a "B" for the course." There was much rejoicing amongst the class as students got up, passed by the professor to thank him and sign out on his offer. As the last taker left the room, the professor looked out over the handful of remaining students and asked, "Any one else? This is your last chance." One final student rose up and took the offer. The professor closed the door and took attendance of those students remaining. "I'm glad to see you believe in yourself." he said. "You all have "As." |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011 From: Bert Date: 21 Nov 11 - 04:26 PM Half a century ore more ago, we'd go to a pub and it would be great to hear the old codgers sing traditional songs. At the last open mike I went to I looked around and realized We are Them. |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011 From: Michael Date: 22 Nov 11 - 05:20 AM Well sort of Bert; in those days they were sung by old codgers, now they are sung by us kids. Mike |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011 From: MGM·Lion Date: 02 Dec 11 - 08:33 AM A great lady advertised for two footmen for her household. Being a conscientious person, she decided to interview them herself. When two friends applied, she asked them for their experience. One had worked for Lord Soso, the other for Sir John Wotsit Bt. "Good experience indeed," she said. "However, as my footmen are required to wear traditional livery, including knee-breeches with white stockings, I hope you won't object to my looking at the calves of your legs to ensure they will look well." The both obligingly rolled up their trousers. "Very good," she said. "It only remains for you to show me your testimonials." "If you hadn't been so bloody ignorant," said one to the other as they walked sadly away from the back door," we'd have got that job." 〠〠〠〠〠 |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011 From: GUEST,pete from seven stars link Date: 02 Dec 11 - 01:24 PM woman takes her duck to the vet "its dead"said the vet" woman"i want a second opinion" the vet whistles for his dog. a labrodor comes in ,sniffs the duck shakes it,s head and barks and leaves. woman"i still want another opinion the vet calls the cat in, who walks all round the duck and walks out. then the vet gives woman a £150 bill woman"£150 to tell me my duck is dead" vet "it,s not usually so much but a lab report and cat scan costs more!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011 From: Mrrzy Date: 03 Dec 11 - 12:30 PM Oh, a bill FOR that much money! I thought he gave HER the money! makes more sense now... |
