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BS: Joke thread for 2025
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Subject: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: MaJoC the Filk Date: 01 Jan 25 - 02:03 PM Happy new year. This is the successor to the 2024 joke thread. I'll update this thread once I can think of something worth saying. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Stilly River Sage Date: 01 Jan 25 - 06:35 PM I fear a lot of gallows humor will be popular this year. From this side of the pond it is difficult to think of anything funny at this point. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mrrzy Date: 01 Jan 25 - 08:10 PM How do trees get on the Internet? They log in. -Mrrzy, feeling thick as two planks |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 02 Jan 25 - 05:36 AM Here's an oldie- Two flies were perched on a cow pie when fly A broke wind. Fly B says,"Hey, gimme a break, I'm eating here." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Sandra in Sydney Date: 02 Jan 25 - 07:55 AM another oldie What sits on the bottom of the ocean & shakes? answer A nervous wreck |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mrrzy Date: 02 Jan 25 - 04:22 PM Sandra, one of my faves! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Sandra in Sydney Date: 03 Jan 25 - 03:00 AM it came from a book of kids jokes I read sometime this century (ie. when I was a very grown up person) & I've never forgotten it - it's the only joke I can tell without forgetting bits or fluffing it! One year our kid's traditional music workshop (6-18yrs) included a joke session & I contributed my joke - naturally it wasn't out of place among their contributions. sandra |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 03 Jan 25 - 07:46 AM Well, if we are going in the ocean we have to resurrect fish jokes What does 70mph at the bottom of a lake? A motorpike and side carp |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Bill D Date: 03 Jan 25 - 03:18 PM I kinda wish these threads were named HUMOR, as many of the submissions are merely puns or riddles...etc. Real "jokes" are a bit in the minority recently. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 03 Jan 25 - 05:53 PM Agreed, Bill, but as someone said before - Humour is like a frog. Once you start to disect it, it dies. How about you tell us a 'real' joke? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mrrzy Date: 03 Jan 25 - 08:35 PM In a big forest full of secrets and shadows, there was a young couple who loved to explore. This forest was their special place, away from all the noise and busy life. One day, while they were walking deep in the woods, they heard a deep, gruff voice say, "Boy." They looked around, but couldn't find anyone. This mysterious voice made them a little scared but also very curious. They kept going back to the forest, and every time they did, they would hear the same deep voice say "Boy." They started to think maybe the forest was telling them they would have a baby boy one day. When their first baby came, it was a girl! They laughed and thought, "Maybe the forest spirit got it wrong." But they still loved going back to the forest, and each time they heard the voice say "Boy." After their second baby girl was born, they really wanted to know what was going on. So, they went to the wise shaman in their village and told him about the voice. The shaman listened and then said with a bit of a laugh, "That's no forest spirit, you fools. Everyone knows it's the wolf who cries ‘boy.’" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 04 Jan 25 - 05:37 AM A woman in labor suddenly shouted, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Didn't! Can't!" "Doctor, what's going on?" asked the concerned father-to-be. "Don't worry," said the doctor, "those are just contractions." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 04 Jan 25 - 07:33 AM First from Steve this year :-) Bloke was chatting to his mate in the pub. "I've just bought these amazing hearing aids. Four grand, latest technology, total state of the art, best in the world!" "Blimey, that's impressive! Four grand, eh? Where did you buy em?" "Half past two..." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Bill D Date: 04 Jan 25 - 03:01 PM A guy was in Las Vegas, having bad luck at gambling. Finally, he took his last hundred dollars, filled up his car and headed back to California. He got about 20 miles when a little voice in his head..or somewhere....said "Stop the car!" Startled, he pulled over to the side of the road. "Who is that?" he asked the air. The little voice said, "Turn around, go back to Vegas." Now he was really nervous. "I can't go there, I just lost most of my money!" The voice insisted, "Go BACK to Vegas." This was too much to resist. He turned around and in 30 minutes, he was back. "Go the the Sands Hotel!", said the little voice. But that's where I almost went broke!" The little voice said "The Sands!" Incredulously, he parked and nervously walked into the casino floor. "Go to the roulette table!", said the little voice. He now had this feeling.. so he crowded into the group at the roulette. "Wait!," said little voice. "Two more spins!" He waited for two more spins. "Now," said little voice, "Put your $100 on #23 black!" Immediately, he followed this specific order. The croupier spun the wheel, and the ball went round& round and finally settled into.. #18 Red! "Hmm... how about that", said little voice. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 05 Jan 25 - 05:29 AM Okay, so I don't know what Armageddon means. It's not the end of the world. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 05 Jan 25 - 08:11 AM Nice shaggy dog story Bill :-) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mrrzy Date: 05 Jan 25 - 03:46 PM Bet I can tell your age! called an old lady at an old gentleman walking by. After a couple of denials, the old man asks, how? The old woman says, come behind these bushes and drop trou, and I'll tell you your age. Intrigued, the old guy agrees. And does. Hmmm, not sure, please jump up and down? OK... 87! You're 87! Amazing! How could you tell? Silly, I was at your birthday party last week! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 08 Jan 25 - 07:35 AM My mate sez to me in the pub, "If you could choose anyone famous, alive or dead, to sit here and have a drink and chat with, who would it be?" " The alive one..." The doc asked me, "Do you smoke or drink coffee?" "I drink it..." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mrrzy Date: 10 Jan 25 - 11:09 AM The live one, hahaha! In the spirit of learning that Kipling had lived in Vermont, I will now tell my Vermont joke, acquired while my sister was at Middlebury College. Two Vermonters decided to go bear hunting in the woods. They get all their gear together, hop into a pickup truck, and head out. As they are nearing the woods, they come to a fork in the road. The signpost said, Bear Left. So they went home. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 11 Jan 25 - 06:58 AM A very drunk fellow was staggering home via a very dark alley. He bumped into, er, a lady of the night. Sez he to her, "How much do you charge for sex?" "Twenty quid." "OK!" So they were getting on with it when a police officer came down the alley and shone his torch on them. "'Ello, 'ello, and what's going on 'ere then?" "Er, I was just making love to my wife, officer..." "Ah, I didn't realise she was your wife, sir..." "Neither did I, officer, until you shone your torch on her face..." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mr Red Date: 12 Jan 25 - 05:22 AM What sits on the bottom of the ocean & shakes? Sandra - Squid Vicious or if you are old enough - Frankie Prawn OH! Should that have been in music thread? Since when was a pun not humor? Of course it is humour. There are people out there who have a different take on humour.................. and absolutism too! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 12 Jan 25 - 06:48 AM Perhaps we should change the title of this thread to Joke and a Lecture (2 bits). |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mr Red Date: 14 Jan 25 - 11:40 AM Or "joke and carping" - why not? We still haven't excised the culprits. Now for the joke - or whatever you prefer to call it. Q) What is a sob sister? A) A lass who sits on your lap, and bawls, and makes it hard for you. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 14 Jan 25 - 05:29 PM Jesus steps in to stop the stoning of an adulteress "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone... Mother, put that rock down!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Sol Date: 17 Jan 25 - 07:50 AM Got thrown out the Greek Mythology class today. Lecturer: "Which creature was half man, half beast?" Me: "Buffalo Bill". |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 17 Jan 25 - 08:16 AM What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Date: 17 Jan 25 - 03:04 PM At the marriage counselor's office, a wife was recounting every slight, every loss of intimacy, every argument that her husband started while the husband audibly sighed. After 20 minutes of her disappointments, lack of her own car and communication the counselor stood up, pulled the wife into his embrace, kissed her deeply and punctuated his hug with a grope of her buttocks. The counselor asked the husband ... "can you do this three times a week?" The husband said, "I can drop her off on Mondays and Wednesdays but on Fridays, I golf or go to the pub before the ball game". |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 19 Jan 25 - 02:45 PM A monkey was arrested at the local zoo yesterday for flinging lit feces at his attendants, several of whom were admitted to the hospital for turd debris burns. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Neil D Date: 22 Jan 25 - 04:55 AM A couple celebrating their anniversary went back to the bar(pub) where they met. After a couple drinks the wife asked the husband "Do you remember what we did the last time we were here?" he said "Yeah, We went out back and made love up against a fence." She gives him a sly look and asks "Do you think that fence is still back there?" Only one way to find out. So they sneak round back and sure enough the fence is still there so he drops his drawers and lifts her skirt and backs her up against it. There happened to be a cop sitting in his car up the alley. He's about to go and break up these scofflaws but he is struck by the vigorous, frantic lovemaking, lots of shaking and loud moaning. When they finally break free of each other the cop rushes up and says "That was amazing. how do you explain vitality and physicality of your lovemaking, at your age?" The old boy says "Thirty years ago, that fence wasn't electrified." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 22 Jan 25 - 05:14 AM In a new study researchers have determined that one out every seven dwarves is Dopey. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 22 Jan 25 - 06:44 AM Q. Why do frogmen always dive backwards off the boat? A. Because if they did it the other way round they'd just fall into the boat. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Date: 23 Jan 25 - 05:35 AM In 2025 two Trump judges bump into each other just outside the courtroom. One is laughing out loud. ‘Hello, judge, what you’re laughing at?’ ‘Never mind, I just heard the funniest Trump joke ever!’ ‘Tell me!’ ‘No, I can’t, I just sentenced a man to ten years for telling it…’ |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 23 Jan 25 - 07:20 AM A man in Wyoming who was completely wrapped in brown paper was arrested yesterday. He was charged with rustling. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 23 Jan 25 - 08:15 AM That is actually quite funny Don. One of your own? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Date: 26 Jan 25 - 10:23 AM It is a personally customized former Stalin joke. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke & carping thread for 2025 From: Mr Red Date: 30 Jan 25 - 06:22 PM One from Stephen Fry, though he didn't say who told him: "Elon Musk is not a Nazi, Nazis made exceedingly good cars" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mrrzy Date: 31 Jan 25 - 02:14 PM I'm still snickering over the parrot. Back in the day, we would sing If I can't get a man, then I'll have to get a carrot! for the last verse of Old Maid In The Garret. Music thread! McCoy: "I've borrowed Mr. Scott's bagpipes." Kirk: "But you can't play them." McCoy: "While I've got them, neither can he!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: MaJoC the Filk Date: 31 Jan 25 - 02:35 PM Just spotted two stories (yesterday and today) in The Register; the subject lines tell it all. Startup plugs AI datacenters into biogas-powered energy Welsh woman fined for flatulence-fueled cyber harassment |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 31 Jan 25 - 05:36 PM Lifted directly from Faceache C, E-flat, and G go into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished, and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. D comes in and heads for the bathroom, saying, "Excuse me; I'll just be a second." Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, "Get out! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight." E-flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "You're looking sharp tonight. Come on in, this could be a major development." Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural. Eventually C sobers up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of D.S. without Coda at an upscale correctional facility. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mrrzy Date: 01 Feb 25 - 12:41 PM Pelvic floor exercises? You mean puss-ups? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke & carping thread for 2025 From: Mr Red Date: 02 Feb 25 - 06:06 PM Delorean for sale, only used from time to time. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 03 Feb 25 - 10:36 AM Probably been posted here before but here's a musical description of you know who- "Super Callous Fragile Racist Sexist Nazi POTUS" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 03 Feb 25 - 04:51 PM A bloke was marooned on a remote island after a shipwreck. The only other survivor was a small terrier. The only other occupants of the island were a small flock of wild sheep. After a few weeks the chap's natural manly appetite was getting the better of him. He'd noticed that one of the sheep was quite placid, so temptation got the better of him. But no sooner had he dropped his trousers that the terrier started to bark incessantly and dash frantically round his legs, completely frustrating his intended, er, enterprise. Over the days, this happened again and again and the poor fellow never got his wicked way with the ewe. Months later there was another shipwreck just off the island. The only survivor was an absolutely beautiful young woman, badly injured and half-dead as yer man dragged her on to the shore. For weeks he tended to her wounds and looked after her until she was fully recovered. One day she said to him, "I'm so grateful to you for saving my life and restoring me back to health. I'd like to return the favour - I'll do anything you ask...and I do mean ANYTHING..." "OK," he replied, "Would you just watch the dog for ten minutes?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 05 Feb 25 - 09:17 AM Your change of thread title sounds a bit fishy, Mr Red. Are you thinking 'eel not notice' or trying a bit of codology? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Date: 05 Feb 25 - 10:18 AM Trump Gaza Casinos will be four-star with the sale of gambling, alcohol, prostitution, and Hamas Cheese sandwiches. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Roger the Skiffler Date: 06 Feb 25 - 09:20 AM If Trump is looking for ideas for his Riviera of the Middle East he could have a girlie bar called Braless in Gaza (apologies to Aldous Huxley). RtS |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mr Red Date: 10 Feb 25 - 02:52 PM :) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 10 Feb 25 - 03:29 PM Don't be too hard on Trump, he's just a confused old man. He can't decide whether he's Hitler or Mussolini. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 10 Feb 25 - 04:45 PM A seasonal one For as long as I can remember, I have had a Valentine's card from an unknown admirer and never found out who it was. It's been a terrible year so far. My Granny died last month and now this... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke, wit & wisdom thread for 2025 From: Mr Red Date: 11 Feb 25 - 04:08 AM From a packet of Paloma paper handkerchieves: "Good friends don't let you do stupid things - alone". |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 11 Feb 25 - 08:37 AM Is that a joke, wit or wisdom? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Georgiansilver Date: 11 Feb 25 - 02:24 PM She was only the pilots daughter but she had a fur lined cockpit. She was only the tobacconists daughter but the best bit of shag in town. She was only the telegraphists daughter but she didit didit didit. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Bob the Postman Date: 12 Feb 25 - 10:57 AM She was Shostakovitch’s daughter but she certainly knew how to conduct herself. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 12 Feb 25 - 12:00 PM Hear about the new restaurant, Karma? There's no menu - you get what you deserve Anyone know any jokes about sodium? Na... What do frogs wear on their feet? Open toad sandals |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Date: 12 Feb 25 - 02:12 PM She is only the President's daughter but she will be in charge of the Trump Gaza Plaza & Casinos as long as the Palestinians are deported to Greenland in which case Don Jr. hopes to open a heavy coat store and Seal blubber restaurants. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 12 Feb 25 - 05:09 PM oy! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: MaJoC the Filk Date: 13 Feb 25 - 11:56 AM I'll let someone else say " .... vey". |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 13 Feb 25 - 04:39 PM I asked my wife if I'm the only one she's ever been with. She said, "Yes, the others were eights or nines" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Date: 14 Feb 25 - 07:18 AM gevalt |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 14 Feb 25 - 07:29 AM Watched an interesting doc last night about insane nudists called "I see You're Nuts". |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 14 Feb 25 - 09:46 AM The doctor asked me why I had a steering wheel fastened to my underpants. I said it's driving me nuts... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Bill D Date: 14 Feb 25 - 12:55 PM I've always enjoyed humorous word play, so when I heard there was going to be a punning contest, I went down to see if a few to tickle my funny bone... But no pun in tendid.... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke & pun thread for 2025 From: Mr Red Date: 15 Feb 25 - 04:18 AM A pundit eh? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 15 Feb 25 - 11:28 AM I suppose you think that's punny... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 15 Feb 25 - 12:17 PM You guys are just punderful. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: MudGuard Date: 15 Feb 25 - 12:57 PM Old song by ABBA: Punny, Punny, Punny must be punny in a rich man's word ... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke & paronamasia thread for 2025 From: Mr Red Date: 16 Feb 25 - 05:00 AM I saw a pot plant being sold off cheap, so bought it for the GF for Valentine's Day. A special offer, for a special lady She laughed. But otherwise unimpressed! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 16 Feb 25 - 06:18 AM USA played Canada last night in the 4 Nations Playoff and there were 3 gloves-off fights in the first 9 seconds of playing time. Reminded me of the old Rodney Dangerfield joke, "I went to a fight the other night and a hockey game broke out". |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: MaJoC the Filk Date: 16 Feb 25 - 07:02 AM Presleyopia: causes the sufferer to see Elvis working in the chip shop, the supermarket etc. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 16 Feb 25 - 07:11 AM You are a PTerry fan aren't you MaJoC? Do you reckon the whole of Soul Music was geared to the line where the hero ends up working in the local chip shop? :-D |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: MaJoC the Filk Date: 16 Feb 25 - 08:33 AM Nah, DtG: that punchline was just a bonus. .... As it happens, I'm a rock guitarist in remission. Whenever I read Soul Music, I find it messes summat cruel with my wetware. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 16 Feb 25 - 08:40 AM Are you guys Spamming us? I'm getting a link to ThomasHardydigital in your posts.
-Joe Offer- |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Date: 16 Feb 25 - 08:56 AM My Abracalabrador is magical and is fairly wild but meditates. I call him aware wolf. He eats pooched eggs for breakfast and has collar ID on his bone. But if you ask him anything about baseball he always says Ruth even if the correct answer is Ohtani. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mr Red Date: 17 Feb 25 - 08:22 AM Ruth eh? Is he your Babe? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Georgiansilver Date: 17 Feb 25 - 10:13 AM I asked my ex if I was the only man she ever slept with...she replied 'Of course!! All the others kept me awake all night.' |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Georgiansilver Date: 18 Feb 25 - 09:29 AM A small town had three churches: Presbyterian, Methodist, and Catholic. All three had a serious problem with squirrels in the church building and each, in its own fashion, had a meeting to deal with the problem. The Presbyterians decided that it was predestined that squirrels be in the church and that they would just have to live with them. The Methodists decided that the situation needed dealing with humanely and strapped the squirrels before moving them to the local park. Within 3 days they returned. The Catholics decided the best idea would be to baptise them, which they did. Now they only see them at Easter and Christmas. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: MaJoC the Filk Date: 19 Feb 25 - 09:50 AM Fresh this morning: What do you call a showoff dinosaur on a Harley-Davidson? A wheeliesaurus. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Naemanson Date: 20 Feb 25 - 05:27 PM Georgiansilver, re: Squirrels in church I heard there was also a synagogue in town. It was also plagued by squirrels until the rabi started circumcising them. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 20 Feb 25 - 06:57 PM This woman got breast implants made of wood. It would be great if this joke had a punchline... ...wooden tit? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: MudGuard Date: 21 Feb 25 - 02:16 AM gillymor, in German (at least in Bavarian), there is the expression "Sie hat viel Holz vor der Hütte" ("she has a lot of wood in front of the hut/cabin") which refers to a woman's breasts ... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 21 Feb 25 - 04:51 AM We live near Haworth and see plenty jokes with variations on "Bronte saw us" :-) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 21 Feb 25 - 06:02 AM MudGuard, we used to say, she's got a big front porch and a swinging back door. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 21 Feb 25 - 07:50 AM A pedophile, rapist and priest enter a bar. He orders a beer. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 21 Feb 25 - 01:52 PM You are going straight to hell, gillymor :-D |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 21 Feb 25 - 04:20 PM Considering the sitch over here, Dave, it might be an improvement. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 22 Feb 25 - 06:32 AM gillymor - :-D Before we get too political though, a couple from Steve :-) A bloke sees a blind man with a dog at the bus stop. Suddenly, the dog cocks its leg up and pees down the blind man's leg. "Hey, mate, your dog's just peed on your leg!" "Ah, thanks for telling me that." Upon which the blind man pulls a doggie treat out of his pocket and gives it to the dog. "Hey, surely you're not rewarding the dog for peeing on you!" "Nah. I'm just finding out which is its front end so that I can kick its arse..." A woman is upstairs in bed with a bad leg. The doctor calls round and the husband shows him upstairs. Five minutes later the doc comes down and asks if he can borrow a screwdriver. Ten minutes later he comes down again, asking for a saw and a pair of pliers this time. The chap is frantic by now. "What's going on, doc? What are you doing up there? Is her leg worse than we thought?" Sez the doc, "I haven't a clue, mate. I'm still trying to get my medical bag open..." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 22 Feb 25 - 01:09 PM Solve this: If Mr & Mrs Bigger have a baby, which of the Bigger's is the biggest? Fred |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 22 Feb 25 - 01:37 PM I'll tell you... The baby because it's a little Bigger! :) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 24 Feb 25 - 08:06 AM A few Roman jokes from an erstwhile contributor A Roman centurion went into a bar and said to the barman, "I'll have a martinus please." The barman said, "Do you mean 'martini'?" The centurion said, "Look, pal, if I'd wanted two I'd have ASKED for two..." An ancient Roman is trying on some new clothes. He turns to his wife and asks her, " Does my gluteus look maximus in this toga?" A rather overweight tourist goes into a clothes shop in ancient Rome and asks the assistant, "Do you have XL togas?" "Certainly sir, but why do you want so many?" Most Romans don't think that Cleopatra is beautiful, but that's the way Julius Caesar... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 24 Feb 25 - 08:07 AM I went in the hardware shop today and asked what was best to clean ovens "Ammonia cleaner" said the assistant "Sorry, I thought you were on customer service..." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Jokes from QI thread for 2025 From: Mr Red Date: 25 Feb 25 - 06:46 AM One from Stephen Fry "My Great Uncle had his tongue shot off in the war - he never talks about it" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Neil D Date: 26 Feb 25 - 03:53 AM Here's one for that guy that hates puns. What do you call a magician who lose his magic? Ian. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Bill D Date: 26 Feb 25 - 08:57 AM In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.' The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?' She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.' The defense attorney nearly died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair...!! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 26 Feb 25 - 12:24 PM Can you guys get me a copy of The Flying Machine by L.E.Copter? :) Fred |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: MaJoC the Filk Date: 26 Feb 25 - 01:41 PM Thanks, Bill D; that's the best and most enlightening thing I've read all day. Much mirth ensued when I showed it to Herself just now. --- Oops: just looked at my original notes, and my contribution above should have involved "a stunt dinosaur on a motorbike". Silly me. Now to try the corrected version on the grandchildren .... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 26 Feb 25 - 03:27 PM Lol, Bill. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 26 Feb 25 - 04:04 PM A man goes into a pet shop to buy a bird. The lady owner says "Sorry, sir, we don't sell birds" and the man says "Well that's funny cos I've been told you've had a cockatoo!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 26 Feb 25 - 08:12 PM A new study reveals that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who comment on it. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 28 Feb 25 - 04:16 PM lol gillymor Fred |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: MaJoC the Filk Date: 01 Mar 25 - 07:54 AM Q: Is tripe kosher? AI: It depends on the religion of your cow. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 02 Mar 25 - 09:00 AM Reaching the 100 point reminded of the darts match Player throws a double 20 followed by another. His third darts though bounces off the wire and hits a nun seated close by in the temple, causing her to drop dead on the spot. The announcer calls "One nun dead and 80..." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: MaJoC the Filk Date: 04 Mar 25 - 05:42 PM Just seen this: What's the leading cause of dry skin? Towels. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 05 Mar 25 - 11:56 AM Two philosophers on their holidays were sitting by the pool. Sez one: "Have you read Marx?" "Yeah," sez the other, "It's these bloody wicker chairs..." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Bill D Date: 06 Mar 25 - 03:53 PM Two psychiatrists meet on the street. One says, "you're fine how am I?" Two psychiatrists meet on the street. One says "Hi there, how's it going?" The other thinks, "Wonder what he meant by that?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Date: 06 Mar 25 - 07:56 PM "Honey, whats this baggie behind the empty egg carton in the fridge?". Oh, that's from the White House that we got in the mail. " What are we supposed to do with it?" It said to refrigerate it before use, smell it. "It smells like shit...uh...Honey, whats this baggie behind the empty egg carton in the fridge?". |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 06 Mar 25 - 08:17 PM oi |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke & satire thread for 2025 From: Mr Red Date: 10 Mar 25 - 06:50 PM I think the Gulf of America is between Elephants and Donkeys |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Date: 10 Mar 25 - 07:03 PM The Golf of America may soon face DEI and restriction problems again. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 10 Mar 25 - 09:17 PM Wouldn't this ...stuff be more at home in the Trump thread. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 10 Mar 25 - 09:27 PM and what's Golf of America? Sounds like a putt putt course. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Georgiansilver Date: 11 Mar 25 - 03:50 AM Someone mentioned 'Golf' ......so here's a golf joke.. Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly towards four men playing the next hole. The ball hit one man and he clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed to the man, and apologised. ‘'Please let me help. I'm a Physiotherapist and I know I could Relieve your pain if you'll let me’' she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' he replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands at his groin. At her persistence, however, he agreed to let her help. She moved his hands to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She provided tender and artful massage for several long minutes. ‘'How does that feel?’’ she asked. He replied: ‘'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken’’. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 11 Mar 25 - 04:22 AM He's been banned from posting shite on the Trump thread gillymor. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 11 Mar 25 - 05:12 AM Not so long ago he was also told to refrain from posting to this thread, Dave, but like a recurring fungal infection... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Date: 11 Mar 25 - 06:34 PM Elon Musk is not a Nazi. Nazis made really great cars. Ignore the slander and propaganda. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Date: 11 Mar 25 - 08:22 PM Joke stolen from Stephen Fry |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 12 Mar 25 - 11:23 AM I know it couldn't be yours, Don. It was vaguely funny Very poor for Stephen Fry though |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Date: 12 Mar 25 - 11:40 AM zero for three like America's credibility, economy, and goodwill. To destroy America, the new Truth Reinvention Administration has had a great deal of success rewriting history, bios, data, budgets, culture, and record-keeping. Uberfeurer Stephen Miller claims it is a vast improvement compared to propaganda minister Goebbles, but everyone knows he's lying. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 12 Mar 25 - 11:54 AM Wtf is that doing on the joke thread. A moderator told you to dump your nonsense in a mother of b.s. thread and stay off this one. Your compliance would be appreciated. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Date: 12 Mar 25 - 12:16 PM Its getting harder to tell Putin apart from Elmer Fudd and Zelenskyy is the wise cracking Wabbit. Some jokes kill so I went to my boss’s funeral service … I knelt next to the coffin and whispered, “Who is thinking outside the box now?” Where are mathematicians buried? The Symmetry. When Paddy's dog died, he took it to the local Catholic church. He asked the preacher if he could have a funeral service for his much loved pet, but the preacher explained that they didn't do services like that for animals. Paddy asked who would and the preacher suggested that the Baptist church up the road would probably give the dog a funeral service. Paddy asked, "Preacher, do you think $5,000 would be enough for the dog's funeral?" The preacher replied, "Dearest Paddy, why didn't you tell me that your dog was a Catholic?" |
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Subject: Satirical Joke thread for 2025 From: Mr Red Date: 16 Mar 25 - 01:54 PM Apparently Teslas are being recalled because they keep turning far right. From YouTube comments. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 16 Mar 25 - 03:11 PM It's important to note that though Musk gave the Nazi salute at the inauguration he is not a Nazi, he's a South African. There's a slight difference. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Date: 17 Mar 25 - 07:20 AM Thank you Mr. Himmler, that's a knee-slapper. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 17 Mar 25 - 08:52 AM I thought you would enjoy that, Herr Goebbels. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 17 Mar 25 - 10:52 AM and Goebbels has no balls at all... I rang the leisure centre and asked "Is that my local swimming pool?" They said "I dunno. Depends where you are ringing from" |
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Subject: UK Joke thread for 2025 From: Mr Red Date: 18 Mar 25 - 05:04 AM So: Musk didn't inherit the polite Canadian gene then? And one for the older UK 'catters (which is truer than funny) - sorry US I can't see a translation that comes close - but if anyone cares to try... "The older I dance, the richer I get. Now I have two ape knees to rub together" two 'apenees to rub together <US> a half penny ~ no money </US> (looses a little in the translation?) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Aethelric Date: 20 Mar 25 - 04:49 AM Guy goes into ticket office. "I'd like a return ticket please" "OK. Where to?" 'Here of course!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 21 Mar 25 - 03:47 PM Me and the Mrs found out how to make love back to back Invite another couple... |
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Subject: Old Joke thread for 2025 From: Mr Red Date: 21 Mar 25 - 07:13 PM I Googled: ‘Missing medieval servant’……it came back: ‘Page not found’. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 22 Mar 25 - 05:24 PM We went to a fetish restaurant today. I got toed in the hole |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Aethelric Date: 23 Mar 25 - 05:17 AM Guy goes into a butchers. "Steak and kidley pie please" "You mean steak and kidney" "That's what I said diddle I" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 24 Mar 25 - 04:31 AM Pessimist: This can't get any worse! Optimist: Yes, it can. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: MaJoC the Filk Date: 26 Mar 25 - 09:53 AM I thought it was: Masochist: Hit me, hit me .... Sadist: *NO*! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Colloquial Joke thread for 2025 From: Mr Red Date: 27 Mar 25 - 02:56 PM OK maybe this may only work well in certain regions of the UK, let me know if you are confused. Q What's the difference between a young miner and an old miner? A A handful of slack |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mr Red Date: 27 Mar 25 - 02:59 PM the discussion thread, best to answer there lest the joke police complain here. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 28 Mar 25 - 04:34 AM There are no joke police but, as a rule of thumb, if the joke needs to be explained it isn't worth repeating Yes, I got the slack one and yes it was quire funny but I suspect it may not be transatlantic. Not that it matters really. I don't get some American humour |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 29 Mar 25 - 09:59 AM For you back country hikers and campers- How do you identity grizzly bear scat? It's full of bells and smells like pepper spray. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 29 Mar 25 - 04:54 PM Some people don't understand the difference between your and you're. There stupid. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 31 Mar 25 - 01:57 PM I had brunch at a 50's-themed restaurant the other day and they served eggs benedict on a hub cap. I really enjoyed it, there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise. -Blame Colin Mochrie for that one. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Universal Joke thread for 2025 From: Mr Red Date: 01 Apr 25 - 05:35 AM gillymore je ne comprends pas - trois fois. So one that will translate and resonate moreso in the US Q How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb? A How many can you afford? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mr Red Date: 01 Apr 25 - 05:36 AM They're you are |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Date: 01 Apr 25 - 06:48 AM By executive order, only all white Pandas will be allowed at the zoo. The rest will be deported. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 01 Apr 25 - 07:05 AM Was your banishment from this thread lifted, Don? I didn't hear about it. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 01 Apr 25 - 07:44 AM and, Red, remember it wasn't me who complained about your "hand full of slack" joke. There's nothing funny about a limp member when you're in the throes of passion. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mrrzy Date: 04 Apr 25 - 09:43 AM There was a young man From Cork who got limericks And haikus confused |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 04 Apr 25 - 06:36 PM What's the difference between a bad marksman and a constipated owl? The bad marksman can shoot but can't hit. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 06 Apr 25 - 06:56 AM North America's Deep South. It's a Sunday and the congregation has gathered. The preacher says "All you sinners who have been a he-in' and a she-in' go and stand in that corner. All who've been a he-in' and a he-in' stand in THAT corner. You who've been a she-in' and a she-in' stand over there". It leaves one old man still seated and the preacher asks him to stand and take a bow. He says he can't "Why not?" "Ah's been a me-in' and a me-in'!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Date: 07 Apr 25 - 05:52 PM contempt of court |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mr Red Date: 11 Apr 25 - 04:28 AM There's nothing funny about a limp member when you're in the throes of passion. Puts you right off your stroke. OK what was your limp excuse? |
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Subject: Medieval Joke thread for 2025 From: Mr Red Date: 11 Apr 25 - 04:35 AM A Tudor joke, (you had to be there) Landed Gentry to a drunken citizen Q Gadsooks, sir, you seem unable to stand Drunkard A Forsooth, I am able to stand, but it is my feet that can't stand From a book of similar whimsies. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mr Red Date: 11 Apr 25 - 04:37 AM Donuel - cartoon - Is he being judged by his peers? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 11 Apr 25 - 06:24 AM Good job ferreting out that illicit cartoon, Red. We need a go-getter like you in the JPD. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Bob Hitchcock Date: 12 Apr 25 - 08:17 PM Two Flutes meet on the street and one says "who was that Piccolo I saw you with last night?" The other one says "that was no Piccolo that was my Fife" Sorry about that. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Bob Hitchcock Date: 12 Apr 25 - 08:19 PM What musical instrument can be found in the bathroom? Tuba toothpaste. I used to teach special needs kids and they loved it. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 13 Apr 25 - 08:40 AM Not sure what scale that joke was on but it was worthy of note And one from Steve - Mother-in-law went to see her daughter-in-law. So she knocked on her door, and, to her shock, the daughter-in-law opened the door and she was stark naked. Says the mother-in-law, "What are you doing? I could've been anybody! And you open the door and you're stark naked!" The daughter-in-law said, "Well you see, the thing is, this is my love suit!" Says the mother-in-law, "Your 'love suit'? Well that's ridiculous! I'm appalled!" And off she went, but on her way home she thought to herself, "Well maybe that's not too bad an idea after all. Love suit eh? Maybe I'll try that too..." So later, when her husband got back from work, she opened the door to him, stark naked. "What the devil do you think you're doing!" He exclaimed. "Well this is my love suit!" She replied. He looked her up and down and said, "Well next time you put it on, make sure you've ironed it first!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 23 Apr 25 - 01:05 PM Even a defective parachute will last you a lifetime. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: HuwG Date: 29 Apr 25 - 09:29 AM Did you know thatJohann Sebastian Bach produced not only more than a thousand musical scores, but also twenty children (which may explain why one of his works was unfinished). For one anniversary, they all went to a local wirtshaus. Johann Sebastian asked "What would everyone like to drink?" Frau Bach replied, "Not in my condition, thanks." The children all asked for lemonade, fruit juice etc. When the landlord totted up, it came to only nineteen drinks. Johann Sebastian asked "Where's young Wilhelm?" "He's in the gents" said someone. "Oh dear" said Johann Sebastian. "Shall we wait for him to come back?" "I've a better idea" said the landlord. He turned to a waiter and said, "See what the Bach in the boys' room will have." That one was from Dennis Norden |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 29 Apr 25 - 01:59 PM They opened his coffin years after his death and found him lay there crossing out all his scores He was decomposing |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Date: 29 Apr 25 - 05:59 PM A MAGA Trump supporter walks into a bar He goes up to the bartender and looks around seeing an older Black man sitting in a corner. He turns to the bartender and announces loudly: "A round of beer for everyone except that diversity Black over there!" The MAGA turns to the Black smiling nastily and is surprised to see him smiling warmly back. Somewhat miffed the MAGA turns back to the bartender and says "A round of your sweetest wine for everyone here except that Black!" Once again while everyone is cheering he turns back to the Black grinning evilly but is shocked to see the Black still smiling warmly and even inclined his head in the MAGA's direction. The MAGA turns to bartender and says as loud as he could through gritted teeth "A bottle of your most expensive drink for everyone in this bar except for that Black". The MAGA satisfied turns around chuckling to himself and freezes gobsmacked seeing the Black smiling broadly at him and waving. Furiously the MAGA turns back to the bartender and says "What the hell is wrong with that Black? Is he crazy or just plain stupid?" The bartender replies "Neither. He's the owner of the bar." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Raggytash Date: 29 Apr 25 - 06:30 PM You really are one sick Puppy. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Date: 29 Apr 25 - 07:44 PM A very disturbed lady took her sick puppy to the Dogtor. He said the puppy had a case of Taggy Rash and needed a cone on his head. The lady said I've heard those called a cone of shame. The dogtor said that's only when the dog has a minor emotional disorder or wound, your puppy has a serious psychological condition that is often cured by seeing less of a mean owner. She said My new job at Homeland Security keeps me so busy I'm seldom home so the maid feeds and walks him. Excellent, stay away some more. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 29 Apr 25 - 07:50 PM Don, if you're not on drugs you probably should be. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 29 Apr 25 - 08:01 PM Did you hear about the psychic contortionist who saw her own end. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Date: 29 Apr 25 - 08:31 PM Christy Noem is a joke even without killing dogs. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 29 Apr 25 - 08:37 PM Don, you were banned from this thread for obvious reasons, show some respect for moderation and post that stuff somewhere else. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: The Sandman Date: 30 Apr 25 - 02:02 AM Why did the hurlers cross the ditch? A: To get to the other side... and then argue about the best strategy with the guy on the ditch. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Nigel Parsons Date: 30 Apr 25 - 08:07 PM Following on from an earlier comment. Men, for contraception, try a stone in your shoe. It makes you limp! ;) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: MudGuard Date: 01 May 25 - 11:36 AM could someone please explain HuwG's "See what the Bach in the boys' room will have." to a non-native speaker (= me)? I don't get that one. TIA, Andreas a/k/a Andy a/k/a MudGuard |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 01 May 25 - 01:03 PM Play on "see what the boys in the back room will have" which, I think (had to look it up) was from a Marlene Deitrich song |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 01 May 25 - 01:12 PM When I first saw your joke, gillymor, I read it as psychic cartoonist and thought of Don :-D |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 01 May 25 - 01:23 PM I can see that, Dave. :') |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: MudGuard Date: 01 May 25 - 03:38 PM Thanks, Dave! I assumed it was some "Bach" vs "back" thing, but didn't know about the Marlene Dietrich song - so it made no sense to me ... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Pappy Fiddle Date: 01 May 25 - 09:32 PM A drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at a woman there, walked over to her and hugged her. She jumped back and slapped him. He immediately apologized and explained, "I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her." "Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed. "Funny, he muttered, you even sound exactly like her." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mr Red Date: 08 May 25 - 06:27 PM The projected Spies' Cookbook with contributions from Julian Assange & Edward Snowden has failed to publish because they both refused to reveal their sauces. It was a recipe for disaster anyway. |
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Subject: Cosmic Joke thread for 2025 From: Mr Red Date: 11 May 25 - 03:22 PM What Copernicus' mother said to Copernicus... "You think the world revolves around you." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Aethelric Date: 13 May 25 - 02:12 PM I'm sorry sir, you can't come in here. But I'm Donald Trump, President of the USA! Yes sir, but are you a member? Yes, I'm a country member. Oh yes, I remember. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 13 May 25 - 02:19 PM When I was a child I had a globe. It meant the world to me. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 15 May 25 - 08:31 PM It was raining cats and dogs this afternoon, I stepped into a poodle. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 16 May 25 - 09:15 AM We always referred to Copernicus as copper knickers Kids humour is the best :-D |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Raggytash Date: 16 May 25 - 01:41 PM One from my youth Dave. Two lions having just escaped from Belle Vue Zoo were walking down Market Street in Manchester. One says to t'other "it's quiet for a Saturday isn't it" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 16 May 25 - 02:22 PM I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law for four years. I thought it would be rude to interrupt her. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: HuwG Date: 16 May 25 - 09:17 PM OK, let's try another long and obscure one... When Clint Eastwood was electedmayorof Carmel, he invited many of his showbusiness and media friends to a celebration. One of them was Roy Rodgers, who checked into a hotel in the town. Roy was wearing a pair of brand new cowboy boots, which he left outside his room for the hotel staff to clean. For some reason, the hotel cat took exception to the boots, and clawed and chewed them to shreds. Roy was incensed. He called up Clint, and when he arrived, showed him the ruined boots. "Look at what the darned hotel cat did to my band new boots" he complained. Clint narrowed his eyes and said "Wait there, while I go collect a posse." A few minutes later, Clint returns, holding by the scruff of its neck a spitting, gouging and very cross cat. Clint takes it to Roy and says "Pardon me Roy. Is this the cat that chewed your new shoes?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Raggytash Date: 17 May 25 - 08:02 AM Back in Belle Vue Zoo two snakes are sitting in a vivarium. One snake says are we the type of snake who wrap ourselves around our victims and crush them or are we the type of snake who bite our victims and inject them with venom. Don't know says the other snake, why do you ask. I've just bit me tongue says the first. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 17 May 25 - 08:36 AM A promoter advertised a concert featuring the "World's Tallest Piano Player" but when the musician took the stage he was obviously less than 6 feet tall. Just another instance of a guy lying about the size of his pianist. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Aethelric Date: 17 May 25 - 09:02 AM “Grandad, tell us about the times when you were a pirate. How did you get your wooden leg.” “Arr, that were when we taking a merchantman, she only had one cannon, and she only managed to fire once and that cannon ball, took the bottom part of me leg clean off.” “ Gosh, and how did you get the hook for a hand.” “Arr, it were a cutless fight with a navy ship who tried to board us. I was about to finish one of them off when another came from the side and cut off me hand with the cutless. But I got him with me pistol with my left hand, then I knocked the first one unconscious with the pistol and kicked him overboard.” “And how did you lose your eye?” “Arr, I were looking up when a seagull shit in it.” “I didn’t know seagull poop was that dangerous” “Arr, that were the day after I got me hook.” |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 17 May 25 - 12:00 PM A fox catches a rabbit for his dinner. He lays it down until he answers a call of nature. A dog sneakes, grabs the rabbit, runs across the road into an house, puts on its owner's hat and trousers and sits in a chair pretending to read a newspaper. The fox bursts in and says "Hey, have you seen a dog?!" and the dog says "Do you mean the one who stole a rabbit?" and the fox said "F...... hell, is it in the paper already?!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 17 May 25 - 12:48 PM Still searching for an out-of- print book: Carpentry For Women by Patty O'Dorrs. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mr Red Date: 18 May 25 - 05:55 AM Quote from a bagpipe player (last night) When the bagpipe is in tune, the party in over! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mr Red Date: 18 May 25 - 06:05 AM is! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Date: 18 May 25 - 11:43 AM An older man was fitted with the most advanced hearing aids, and at his follow up appointment the audiologist said "Congratulations your hearing tests perfectly. What does your family think? The man said "I haven't told them a thing, but after listening carefully to them at dinner I have changed my will twice. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Doug Chadwick Date: 18 May 25 - 02:21 PM ;-) DC |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 20 May 25 - 11:18 AM Book title "Obesity" Author Hugh Jass |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Georgiansilver Date: 22 May 25 - 06:25 AM Well if it's books you want.... The Cannibals by Henrietta Mann. Starvation by Euphemia K Krumm. Cloakroom Work by Mahatma Koht and Mayum Brela. Prayer by Neil Down more to come. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 22 May 25 - 06:59 AM Rusty Bedsprings by I P Knightly |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 22 May 25 - 07:03 AM The Joys of Being A Gypsy by Orson Trapp |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 22 May 25 - 07:15 AM Modesty by Ivor Biggen |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Doug Chadwick Date: 22 May 25 - 08:51 AM Falling Off A Cliff by Eileen Dover |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 22 May 25 - 09:02 AM Botany by Teresa Green |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 22 May 25 - 10:20 AM Red Vegetables by B Troot |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 22 May 25 - 10:34 AM The Telescope by I C Moore |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Doug Chadwick Date: 22 May 25 - 11:05 AM Dentistry by Phil McAvity |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Bill D Date: 22 May 25 - 11:52 AM "The Yellow Stream" by I.P. Freely |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 22 May 25 - 12:33 PM Armed Heists by Robin Banks |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 22 May 25 - 12:49 PM Antlers in the Trees by Who Goosed the Moose. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Doug Chadwick Date: 22 May 25 - 01:52 PM Art and Culture by Phyllis Stein |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 22 May 25 - 01:59 PM Leo Tolstoy by Warren Peace |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 22 May 25 - 02:14 PM I Like Fish by Ann chovies Good Work by Ben Evolent Golly Gosh by G Whizz It's Magic by Sven Ghali Shift Your Ass by Sheik Aleg |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Date: 22 May 25 - 03:48 PM Venereal Diseases by Dick Hertz. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 23 May 25 - 02:46 AM Sea Birds by Al Batross |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 23 May 25 - 02:57 AM Beekeeping by A P Arry |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Aethelric Date: 23 May 25 - 03:24 AM Effective policing by Laura Nawder Ghost stories by Hugo Furst |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 23 May 25 - 08:18 AM Mensa hy Gene Yuss History Of Welsh Comedians by Dai Laffin Hypnosis by N Trance Thunderstorms by Wayne Dwops |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 23 May 25 - 08:27 AM UFO's My Ass by Frank O'Pinion |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 23 May 25 - 10:08 AM Cooking by Stu Potts |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Doug Chadwick Date: 23 May 25 - 11:48 AM Indecision by Willy Wontee |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Doug Chadwick Date: 23 May 25 - 11:57 AM Traditional Fuels by Pete Burns |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Doug Chadwick Date: 23 May 25 - 03:18 PM Sewing and Embroidery by Fred de Needle |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 24 May 25 - 05:59 AM Military Tactics by Doug A. Trench |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 24 May 25 - 06:21 AM It's Unfair my Y Mee That's it, I've reached bottom. Anyone knows any more, fire away. Cheers :) Fred |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 24 May 25 - 06:25 AM By not my, dummy! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Georgiansilver Date: 24 May 25 - 03:45 PM Fight me? by Ewen Douzami. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 24 May 25 - 06:09 PM Six Of The Best by Ben Dover |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mr Red Date: 26 May 25 - 03:13 AM Not a book, but true nominative determinism a dance teacher, mostly Scandi social dance Ella Sprung. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Georgiansilver Date: 26 May 25 - 01:33 PM Keeping House by Ella Vamess. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 26 May 25 - 02:06 PM he he |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 26 May 25 - 06:17 PM Crime and Punishment USA by Penny Tentiary |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 26 May 25 - 06:28 PM Bullfighting by Matt Adore |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 26 May 25 - 06:35 PM Bacteria by Mike Robes Advantageous by Benny Fishall |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 27 May 25 - 04:29 AM American Breakfast by Chris P Bacon |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 27 May 25 - 10:58 AM Crap Roofing by Lee King |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Doug Chadwick Date: 27 May 25 - 11:26 AM The Unsigned Letter by Anne Onymous |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Doug Chadwick Date: 27 May 25 - 11:34 AM Is Forgery an Art Form? By Fay King |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 27 May 25 - 11:34 AM Shellfire by R Tillery |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 27 May 25 - 11:41 AM My Worst Journey by Helen Bach |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 27 May 25 - 11:44 AM Large Snakes by Anna Conda |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 27 May 25 - 11:48 AM Seaside Amusements by Penny R Cade |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 27 May 25 - 11:58 AM It's A Fake by Artie Fishall |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 27 May 25 - 11:59 AM Fred, you should start a book club. :') |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 27 May 25 - 12:09 PM Truancy by Marcus Absent |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 27 May 25 - 12:18 PM Gilly, I've no time me old mate - kept hard at it by Mrs Fred. Drains, gutters, walk the dangerous beast, you know how it goes ;) Fred |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 27 May 25 - 05:08 PM And one more: Insurance by Justin Case |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Date: 27 May 25 - 06:11 PM Going to the airport is becoming a terminal illness. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Date: 27 May 25 - 06:35 PM The presidential limousine pulls up to Air Force One. Donald Trump steps out with a small pig tucked under each arm. As he’s about to board the plane, a Secret Service agent stops him and asks, “Sir, forgive my intrusion, but what’s with the pigs?” Donald motions to one and says, “I got this one for Eric,” he motions to the other, “and I got this one for Don Jr.” The secret service agent nods in approval and says, “Excellent trade, sir.” ---------------- AIR FORCE ONE was reported to have crashed near a Nebraska farm When the sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess he did not find the remains of anyone, including the President. They spotted a lone farmer plowing a field not too far away, as if nothing had happened at all. They hurried over to the man's tractor. "Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?" "Yup. Sure did," the farmer said, cutting off his motor. "Do you realize that is the airplane of the President of the United States?" "Yup." "Were there any survivors?" "Nope. They's all kilt straight out. I done buried them all myself." "Oh my god. President Trump is dead?" "Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor. "He kept a-saying he wasn't... but you know what a liar he is!" https://www.tiktok.com/@rickmarston/video/7283528071561465093?lang=en |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: MudGuard Date: 27 May 25 - 11:23 PM Back to the books: Cheating at Sports, by Anna Bolika, Eve Nedrine and Do Ping |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 28 May 25 - 04:12 AM Gambling by Monty Carlo |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 28 May 25 - 04:15 AM It's A Holdup by Nick R Elastic |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 28 May 25 - 04:19 AM Pub Crawl by Carrie Meholm |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 28 May 25 - 04:26 AM I Love Mathematics by Adam Hup |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 28 May 25 - 06:13 AM Tyrant Of The Potatoes by Dick Tater |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 28 May 25 - 10:58 AM Fifty Yards To The outhouse by Willie Maykit; Forward by Betty Wont |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 28 May 25 - 11:06 AM Deception by Miss Lead |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 28 May 25 - 11:21 AM The Unknown Rodent by A. Nonny Mouse |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 28 May 25 - 11:38 AM V.D.: Nothing to Clap About by I.P. Screaming |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 28 May 25 - 12:05 PM The Death Penalty by X E Cautioner French Cooking by Sue Flat Artificial Clothing by Polly Ester |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 28 May 25 - 12:12 PM Flay not Flat. It's Gilly's fault - got me in a flap :-D |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 28 May 25 - 12:27 PM What the F by Fred Flap |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Georgiansilver Date: 28 May 25 - 01:13 PM Falling from trees by R. Stornaway. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 28 May 25 - 01:58 PM You guys will have to manage without me for a while. I know it's hard but you'll have to try lol. Going up to Aberdeenshire for a couple of weeks - the wife, our two daughters, the dog and me. Stay safe, hope you have good weather, see ya when we get back. All the best Fred |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 28 May 25 - 02:10 PM I'm selling my John Lennon vinyl collection on Ebay Imagine all the PayPal... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 29 May 25 - 06:33 AM Snitches get Stitches by Ima Ratt. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 29 May 25 - 09:54 AM A Field Guide to UFOs by I.M. Nutz |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 29 May 25 - 12:29 PM Just a quick one from my holiday chateau ;-) Smart Beer Making by Bud Wiser |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mr Red Date: 30 May 25 - 02:56 AM I seem to be coming up with real people - How about the Democrat's envoy to the Middle East? Anthony Blinken. He used to be in a rock group and traded as.......... (refer back to politics) A Blinken I bet he was nervous playing at theatres! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 30 May 25 - 04:02 AM School Sports by Jim Nasium Not too Hot Not Too Cold by Lou Quarm The Apiarist by Bea Hives Pancakes by Mabel Sirrup |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 30 May 25 - 04:12 AM And last from me: Leaflet Design by Pam Flett |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Raggytash Date: 30 May 25 - 07:08 AM Pamphlet Design by Leif Lett even! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 30 May 25 - 08:28 AM An History Of Rabbits by Bunny Warren |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 30 May 25 - 08:39 AM Suspended by Dan Glynn Right, that's me, I've got to get on. Later Fred |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 30 May 25 - 03:05 PM It Wasn't Me by Ivan Alibi |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 31 May 25 - 03:19 PM Archaeology by Roxanne Minerals Living On A Budget by Penny Pincher |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 31 May 25 - 03:25 PM Sorry Geology by Roxanne Minerals Too much wine lol Fred |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: MudGuard Date: 31 May 25 - 04:33 PM Alternative fuels, by Vin Diesel |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mr Red Date: 04 Jun 25 - 02:37 PM Einstein developed his theory about space and it was about time too. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 06 Jun 25 - 02:34 AM He would have made a good Doctor Who :-) I just saw an advert for a pen that can write underwater. Dunno if it can write other words... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 06 Jun 25 - 04:26 AM Thirst Quenchers by Bev Arage Lumberjack by Tim Burr |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 08 Jun 25 - 04:06 AM Broken Window by Eva Brick Chinese Arsonist by Kin Dling |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Roger the Skiffler Date: 13 Jun 25 - 11:46 AM This made me smile today: Archaeologists have discovered a mummy's tomb. The mummy was covered in nuts and chocolate. The believe it is the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher. RtS |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 13 Jun 25 - 12:09 PM The Joys Of Motoring by Ivor Crankshaft |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 13 Jun 25 - 12:25 PM American Independence by Bertha Vanation |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Date: 13 Jun 25 - 08:29 PM Dreadful Titles by Fred Bled What do you call a writer who doesn't follow the rules of sentence structure? A rebel without a clause. What has twenty-seven actors, three settings, two writers, and one plot? Six hundred and seventy-one Hallmark movies. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 14 Jun 25 - 06:21 AM A woman had had some blood tests at her local doctors' surgery. She was unable to collect the results herself so she asked her husband to call in and pick them up for her. When he told the receptionist his wife's name, the receptionist hesitated and said "Er, just wait a minute, sir, while I call the doctor to see you..." So the doc came in and said to the bloke, "I'm really sorry Mr Smith, but when your wife came in there was another Mrs Smith in at the same time giving samples, and we've got their results mixed up..." "Well can't you just do the tests again?" "Well, the tests are very expensive and your medical insurance wouldn't finance a repeat..." "Well why not just give me the results of both women and maybe we can work it out.." "Hmmm, Well OK, but I need to tell you that one woman's tests showed that she has dementia and the other showed gonorrhoea..." "Blimey doc, so what would you advise?" "Well, if it were my wife, I'd drop her off in town for a shopping trip. If she made it home I wouldn't have sex with her..." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 14 Jun 25 - 10:51 AM Voice Amplification by Mike Raphone Coffee Maker by Phil Turr Dog's Dinner by Nora Bone |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Rain Dog Date: 14 Jun 25 - 03:25 PM Something I remember from approx. 50 to 55 years ago. You probably have to be from the same generation as myself to recognise the pun. What do you call someone who looks down rabbit holes? A burrow surveyor. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Georgiansilver Date: 14 Jun 25 - 05:46 PM Not sure ourAmerican friends will understand this one..who knows? You can't even go to the seaside now without witnessing violence and outrageous behaviour. There was a man and a woman on the beach arguing in front of a group of children. She actually hit him in the face and they both ended up hitting each other. A policeman arrived to sort the problem and had to use his nightstick to hit the man. However, the man wrestled the nightstick of the policeman and started beating him with it......... then a crocodile appeared and ran off with some sausages!!!! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 15 Jun 25 - 11:41 AM That's the way to do it... :-) Use truncheon instead of nightstick though if you want it to be proper British! |
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Subject: Religious Joke thread for 2025 From: Mr Red Date: 25 Jun 25 - 04:55 PM A Preacher was ‘sounding off’ from the pulpit. “Nobody is perfect”, he said. “Hands up anyone here who thinks they are perfect”. There was no response from the congregation, so he tried again: “Hands up anyone here who is perfect “. A little man towards the back slowly raised his hand…… “Are you telling me you’re perfect?” asked the preacher, “No” said the man “I’m speaking on behalf of my wife’s first husband”. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 27 Jun 25 - 03:44 AM I saw a man going uphill with a trolley full of four leaf clovers, horseshoes and rabbits' feet. I thought: "He's pushing his luck..." Talking of pushing his luck... How about thought for today. Try to post jokes :-D |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 27 Jun 25 - 09:57 AM As a wheel fell off a bus, the driver stopped, got out and burst into song..... "You picked a fine time to leave me, loose wheel!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 27 Jun 25 - 10:42 AM Contempt For Human Nature by Miss Ann Thropy Amphibians by Newt and Sally Mander |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 27 Jun 25 - 10:53 AM Wills by Benny Fishery |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 27 Jun 25 - 11:52 AM Inevitability by Fred Soh (you inspired that one, Fred) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 27 Jun 25 - 12:02 PM Russian snooker by Inoff the Red Russian castration by Ivor Bollokov |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 27 Jun 25 - 01:20 PM Glad to be of some use, Gilly. Lol |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Black belt caterpillar wrestler Date: 27 Jun 25 - 03:35 PM "Skin diseases" by Ivan Elevanitch. Robin |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Date: 27 Jun 25 - 05:00 PM Cave fsh have no eyes. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 28 Jun 25 - 01:47 PM Credit where it is due. I liked the fsh one, Don. New slant on an old joke :-) Talking of old, I went to the doctors this morning to ask him to lower my sex drive. He said, "come off it. At 72 it's all in your mind." I said, "yes, that's why I want it lowering" :-D |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 28 Jun 25 - 03:27 PM An 80-year-old man goes to his GP "Doctor, I'm not getting any fun out of sex anymore". "Not getting any fun out of sex anymore and you're eighty and your wife's seventy-nine?! When did you first notice this?!" "Twice last night then again this morning". |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: MaJoC the Filk Date: 29 Jun 25 - 05:48 AM From the front-matter page of How it works: THE CAT:
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 29 Jun 25 - 07:02 AM So this flasher was going to retire but he decided to stick it out for one more year. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 29 Jun 25 - 07:15 AM In case no one's heard this one- A guy walks into his shrink's office wearing nothing but a piece of plastic wrap around his waist. The doctor says, "I can clearly see you're nuts." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 29 Jun 25 - 07:17 AM Here's a chance to bag a 300, Dave. Whoops |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Date: 29 Jun 25 - 08:41 AM Marvin the magician was bitten by his rental snake and suffered a reptile dysfunction. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 29 Jun 25 - 09:29 AM Damn you Gilly! :-D So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.' |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 29 Jun 25 - 03:14 PM Drinking To Excess by Al Coholic Empty Glass by Phil Ettup |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 29 Jun 25 - 05:46 PM Eating Disorders by Anna Recksia |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mr Red Date: 02 Jul 25 - 05:52 AM From Ken Dodd c 1969 - Russian Strip Tease artist - Eza Vestoff. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Date: 02 Jul 25 - 06:01 AM Tiger's Revenge by Claude Ballz. Masectomies by Vladimir Nibblatitsov. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 02 Jul 25 - 07:16 AM Don, the second entry in your last post was crude, tasteless and the opposite of funny. Btw, weren't you banned from posting in this thread? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 02 Jul 25 - 01:39 PM Rescuing frozen cattle by Thora Hird. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Date: 02 Jul 25 - 04:05 PM While not banned, to gilymor's delight, I was gelded by chainsaw, acid attacked, dehumanized, defamed, and drawn and quartered. All posts are now done by AI. Long live Dave Chappel. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 03 Jul 25 - 04:21 AM Yes, Don, you were told by a moderator not to post to this thread any longer, for obvious reasons. I remember it well because you threw such a hissy fit. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 03 Jul 25 - 06:47 AM Get Rid Of Your Possessions by Lester Worriebout |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Date: 03 Jul 25 - 07:06 AM don't look |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Georgiansilver Date: 04 Jul 25 - 01:46 PM I didn't Donuel!! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Date: 04 Jul 25 - 03:14 PM good on you mate. A guy is driving around the back woods of Maryland and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep" the Lab replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says, "So, what's your story?" The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping, I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running... but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. "Ten dollars" the guy says. "Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on Earth are you selling him so cheap?" "Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the yard." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 05 Jul 25 - 07:51 AM In the same vein - one from Steve :-) A chap is chatting to his butcher when a large dog comes into the shop with a bag round its neck. "Good morning Fido," sez the butcher. "And how many steaks is it today?" "Woof woof!" So the butcher puts two steaks into the dog's bag. "And how many pork chops?" "Woof woof woof woof!" So into the bag go four chops. "And how many pounds of mince?" "Woof woof woof!" In go the three pounds of mince. The butcher takes a twenty pound note out of the side pocket of the bag and puts some small change back in. Off trots the dog on its way home. The chap is so impressed that he decides to follow the dog home to see what happens next. When the dog arrives at its house, it barks like mad and scratches at the front door. A woman opens the door and in goes the dog. The chap sez to her, "Excuse me, but I just have to say that you have a remarkably clever dog there..." "Huh, he's not as clever as you think," sez she. "That's the third time this week that he's forgotten his key..." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 06 Jul 25 - 10:12 AM Why doesn't a pterodactyl make any noise when it urinates? The “p” is silent. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: MaJoC the Filk Date: 06 Jul 25 - 11:31 AM Ach, gillymor: That reminds me of the time (which I'm sure I must have mentioned before) when we took Socrates and Ptolemy to the vet's for the first time. The receptionist read the card, and was saying "Socrates, and .... I don't know how to pronounce this ....", and I missed the opportunity of a lifetime to say "the P is silent, as in 'bath'". |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 06 Jul 25 - 12:41 PM Fading Away by Peter Innout |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 07 Jul 25 - 01:14 PM And you always have to watch for the silent P in Wranglers... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Georgiansilver Date: 09 Jul 25 - 09:07 AM A young lady went to a tattoo parlour and asked for a tattoo of Elvis on her inner thigh.. She takes off her trousers and panties and the tattooist does one which she is not happy with so he does one of her other inner thigh but she is still not happy. He gets a bit exasperated and says that he will get a lady off the street to look at them and if she doesn't recognise who it is she can have them for free. He brings a lady in and asks her if she recognises the tattooed faces. She said. 'Well I don't recognise the twins but the one in the middle is Trump!!! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 09 Jul 25 - 10:11 AM A 96-year-old man is sitting alone in the corner in a pub enjoying his pint. But two little old ladies on the other side of the bar have spotted him and they keep on talking and pointing to him. Eventually, one of them goes over to the man and she says, "Excuse me, but we think we know you. Weren't you part of a strong man act sometime ago?" The old man says, "Well yes I was. But that was an awful long time ago, at least 60 years!" The old woman said to him, "I seem to remember as part of your act in those days you could bend an iron bar over your willy! Can you still do that trick?" So he said to her,"Well, I can't do that anymore because my wrists have gone.-... *** Dunno about that bloke but I am getting stronger as I get older. When I was 27 I couldn't bend my willy. Now, at 72, I find it easy |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Aethelric Date: 09 Jul 25 - 10:22 AM "I'm sorry miss, I can't allow you to come in here topless" "But I have a perfect right" "Your left isn't bad either, but your still nor coming in." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 13 Jul 25 - 05:46 AM Trump had his periodic colonoscopy last week, they didn't find anything but his head. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 13 Jul 25 - 09:54 AM Goodbye Cruel World by Sue Acide Harassment by Percy Kuwshiun |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Aethelric Date: 13 Jul 25 - 10:21 AM The lawyer said, “Your honour, he was a drunk as a judge” The judge said “You mean as drunk as a lord?” The lawyer said “Yes, sorry m’ Lord” Just then a man wearing a top coat, cap, and scarf came into the courtroom and ran around all the females present feeling their breasts. The next day the newspaper said “At the lawyers comment, a muffled titter ran around the courtroom” |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: MaJoC the Filk Date: 13 Jul 25 - 10:56 AM Found this, once I'd waded through the small ads in The Compleat Ankh-Morpork City Guide, and discovered the Clubs and Societies section:
The nearby panel advertisement shows a chap sat on a chair playing a piano-accordion, with a notice on the wall behind him saying DO NOT DISTURB. At his side is a woman sitting arms folded, with a facial expression best described as "seriously dischuffed, but determined to not explode .... yet". |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 14 Jul 25 - 06:08 AM Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day, but set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 15 Jul 25 - 08:23 AM I asked my wife if she'd still love me if I was old and overweight. She replied "Yes, I Do". |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 15 Jul 25 - 02:30 PM Breaking The Law by Kermit A. Krime |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 15 Jul 25 - 02:53 PM Grave Mistakes by Paul Bearer Military Rules by Marshall Law Funny B*stards by Joe Kerr Get Out There by Sally Forth My Lost Causes by Noah Veil |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 16 Jul 25 - 08:58 AM Desert Crossing by I. Rhoda Camel |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 16 Jul 25 - 09:47 AM Patient: I'm a little nervous, doctor. This is my first operation. Doctor: Mine too. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 16 Jul 25 - 11:34 AM Animal Illnesses by Ann Thrax |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 16 Jul 25 - 11:38 AM Mexican Revenge by Monte Zuma |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 16 Jul 25 - 12:26 PM Pampering by Molly Coddle |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 16 Jul 25 - 12:30 PM Looking Younger by Fay Slift |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 16 Jul 25 - 12:34 PM The Nudist Camp by Seymour Butts |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 16 Jul 25 - 02:25 PM One for musicians: More Of A Lute Than A Guitar by Amanda Lynne |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mr Red Date: 16 Jul 25 - 03:41 PM From an old-fashioned squareish Volvo from the early 90s and obviously still going strong. "I do not identify as a Polestar! & "If it leaks oil, it has got oil" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Raggytash Date: 16 Jul 25 - 07:20 PM Mr Red, could you please elucidate, I haven't a clue what you are on about! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 17 Jul 25 - 05:24 AM What did the DNA say to the other DNA? Do these genes make me look fat? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 17 Jul 25 - 07:29 AM Mapping Your Country by Sir Veigh |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 17 Jul 25 - 07:38 AM Leather Preparation by Tanya Hyde Life Before Cars by Orson Buggy Helping Hand by Abel N. Willin |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Date: 17 Jul 25 - 07:38 AM Pete Hegseth just installed a new alternative fax machine. The problem with Trump jokes is that Republicans don't think they are funny, and Democrats don't think they are jokes. What did the new weather service say when asked how to respond to Hurricane Sally? “Pay her less than Stormy Daniels!” |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 18 Jul 25 - 06:33 AM The problem with CEOs is that the 90% who are crooked give the rest a bad name. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: MaJoC the Filk Date: 18 Jul 25 - 10:19 AM A chain of comments a historical article in The Register on the Smoot (a unit of length .... ach, read the article):
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 18 Jul 25 - 10:27 AM Is there a joke in there somewhere? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: MaJoC the Filk Date: 18 Jul 25 - 10:35 AM I thought there was, but there was a puff of wind, and .... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 18 Jul 25 - 10:40 AM Perhaps we need a thread named something like "Things I Find Humorous", it might help keep the joke stream running clear. I won't start it but I'd probably contribute to it. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Date: 18 Jul 25 - 04:57 PM That's the spirit. You tend to your stream and we'll tend to ours. Crossing the streams is not as dangerous as first feared. “Why worry? Each of us is wearing an unlicensed nuclear accelerator on our back.” “Yep. Now, switch me on." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 19 Jul 25 - 02:51 AM Yebbut some streams stink and splashing them over everyone else's shoes is not on |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 19 Jul 25 - 05:24 AM A couple go into a restaurant. The man orders two bowls of soup as a starter. When the waiter returns, the man notices that he has his thumb in his, so he says "If you're thumb's cold, why don't you shove it up your ass?!" and the waiter says "Well, I do when I'm in the kitchen!" -F |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mrrzy Date: 19 Jul 25 - 08:48 AM I made up a new word! I call it Plagiarism. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: gillymor Date: 19 Jul 25 - 09:09 AM That's a good one. I'm stealing it. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 19 Jul 25 - 03:18 PM Gilly - Here's a vote for you to stay. -F |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Date: 20 Jul 25 - 10:44 AM They say it's best to have unlikely relationships and when disagreeing, to not be disagreeable, so a few advanced alien lifeforms have learned to share their observation of Earth. A first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons." The second alien asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?" The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have them aimed at themselves." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 20 Jul 25 - 12:10 PM My Motorcycle Accident by Kay Moffitt |
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Subject: Things I find amusing From: Mr Red Date: 22 Jul 25 - 05:02 AM After dancing with an elderly dancer she says "that was energetic I am sweating" Says I with a knowing smile "was it good for you?" after just enough delay to prove the ambiguity had registered - she laughs gently and reflectively. Remembering something. cue joke police |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Date: 22 Jul 25 - 07:27 AM In a discussion in physics class about the Fermi paradox, a young student asked, " What's a billion years of difference in evolution among friends?" The professor quickly answered, "It's about the same difference between a Mimosa plant and Einstein." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Georgiansilver Date: 22 Jul 25 - 02:55 PM I asked God what would our lifetime be in His reckoning He told me it would be less than a second. asked God 'What would £1,000,000 be like if it were yours...God replied that it would never be but that a million pounds would be like a penny to Him. I said to Him...'Can I have one of your pennies'? He replied 'Of course my son..just wait a second' |
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Subject: chip designer's joke From: Mr Red Date: 24 Jul 25 - 06:19 AM One from Don Macmillan who does very funny jokes with PowerPoint. Why is the Higgs Boson the Pope's favourite particle? Because without the Higgs, there would be no mass. he was a chip designer at IBM |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 24 Jul 25 - 07:50 AM What is God's favourite chord? Gsus |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Aethelric Date: 24 Jul 25 - 01:33 PM My brother is a lovely girl. She's my transister. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: MaJoC the Filk Date: 24 Jul 25 - 04:04 PM Stolen from the comments section for Stop flooding us with AI-based grant applications, begs Health Institute in (surprise) The Register:
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Raggytash Date: 24 Jul 25 - 06:26 PM Perhaps in the wrong thread? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mrrzy Date: 26 Jul 25 - 09:20 AM I am resisting reposting my joke about plagiarism! |
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Subject: you either think it's a joke or you don't From: Mr Red Date: 26 Jul 25 - 10:40 AM I "cooked" up a joke about Marmite, it's a crocker......... I tell 'em better (in a Frank Carson voice) but I can't tell you it's in bad taste |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Georgiansilver Date: 27 Jul 25 - 06:27 AM There is a joke about margarine too but not heard it lately as people are not spreading it. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Roger the Skiffler Date: 27 Jul 25 - 09:03 AM Have you heard the covers band Paper? Apparently they only cover Rock. RtS |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mrrzy Date: 27 Jul 25 - 03:01 PM What' a moslem's favorite Mexican dish? Inchalladas! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Georgiansilver Date: 28 Jul 25 - 10:42 AM I told a friend the joke about the wall....He couldn't get over it. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 28 Jul 25 - 04:46 PM Waiting For Dinner by Sally Vating |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Date: 29 Jul 25 - 08:46 AM A husband would always turn the lights on when he initiated a romantic encounter, but his wife would then turn them off. One day, he said, "I am surprised you still feel shy and turn off the lights". The wife said, "That's so cute. You think it's me, I don't want you to see". |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 31 Jul 25 - 04:41 PM What's the difference between a banjo player and a pizza? A pizza can feed a family of four. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Date: 01 Aug 25 - 07:35 AM Pete Seeger fed his family despite the banjo because of good ideas. What urban creature keeps musical time? A metro-gnome. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Date: 01 Aug 25 - 08:00 AM There are 3 high temples of materialism in America, 1. The Mega Prosperity Churches. 2. TV shows like The Price is Right and Let's Make a Deal, which is more honest since you run a one in three chance of getting a worthless Zonk deal. 3. Then there is the new Presidency. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Georgiansilver Date: 01 Aug 25 - 10:01 AM Yesterday I was in Gainsborough and found myself behind an ambulance. Oddly, I noticed a small metal box sitting on the back bumper. When the ambulance turned the corner, the box flew off and landed on the curb. I thought it's time to be a good Samaritan so I retrieved it. When I opened it, there was a human toe packed in ice. Oops, that's a serious mistake I thought, so I called Lincoln Hospital and they said 'yes, the ambulance had arrived minus the box'. I gave them my location and asked if they were going to send another ambulance to collect it? The lady replied "No, we'll just send a toe truck." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 01 Aug 25 - 12:24 PM Sorry Don. We don't keep time. We built the Paris underground train system. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 02 Aug 25 - 08:38 AM Shooting at Stones by Rick O'Shea |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Date: 07 Aug 25 - 01:11 PM How to be Irritating by Nancy Mace Nancy Mace calls herself Trump in high heels |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 08 Aug 25 - 10:34 AM Couple of Yorkshire jokes from my fellow ex-pat Lancastrian :-D Q. How many Yorkshiremen does it take to change a light bulb? A. Eyup, lad, it's not that dark... A Yorkshireman is lying on his death bed. He had been unwell for a while, and the time was drawing near. He'd asked for his family to be gathered in his bedroom to say their goodbyes. “Is me darling wife here wi' me?” “Yes, love, I'm here..." “And me son, is he 'ere in t'bedroom wi' me?” “Aye, dad, I’m here.” "Warrabout me lovely daughter?" "Aye, dad, here I am, and all your grandkids are here too. Everybody's here..." “Then why's bloody light still on in t' front room?” |
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Subject: a dancing joke From: Mr Red Date: 10 Aug 25 - 08:09 AM At a dance in Sidmouth I commented when the name of the dance was called. The caller thought it so excruciating he decided to repeat it. Probably in his repertoire now. He "Bishop" Me "Mitres Well" The groans from the assembled dancers were very rewarding. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mr Red Date: 10 Aug 25 - 05:38 PM Those who hate speeding tickets, raise your right foot Those in favour of glove puppets, put your hand up. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Date: 12 Aug 25 - 04:36 PM Donald Trump is flying over Washington DC. He looks out of the window and says to his family, "You know what, I'm gonna throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people lucky!" Don Jr. looks at him and says, "Dad, why don't you throw two hundred $5 bills out of the window? Then you can make two hundred people happy." Donald says, "Son, that's a great idea!" Melania turns to him and says, "Master, why not throw one thousand $1 bills out the window? You could make one thousand people as pleased as punch!" Donald looks at her and says, "That is a fantastic idea! The best I've heard!" The pilot turns and looks at Trump and says, "As long as you're at it, why don't you throw yourself out of the window and make millions of people ecstatic?" |
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Subject: Quantum Joke for 2025 From: Mr Red Date: 14 Aug 25 - 05:12 AM A quantum computer start-up in Australia - PsiQuantum - one of its four co-founders - is the grandson of Erwin Schrödinger source New Scientist - though he must be an investor, not listed on website. But as PR goes - it goes a long way So the fate of his cat may hang eternally in the balance but his name lives. |
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Subject: due diligence From: Mr Red Date: 14 Aug 25 - 05:16 AM er, the name just died! Terry Rudolph Note to self.......... read the small print |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: MaJoC the Filk Date: 14 Aug 25 - 10:08 AM Found this in Genius at Play (a book about the mathematician John Conway): Conway was at a pig-roast, at which it happened that there was a table of French speakers, and another of English speakers (including Conway). A French person gestures to two spare chairs at the latter table, and asks, "May we?" CONWAY: Mais oui! It is his proudest pun, of which he's said, "I've been trying to set it up again ever since." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Date: 16 Aug 25 - 07:04 PM The car repair shop that fixes cars whose symptoms disappear when brought to the dealership uses excarcisms and is called 'The power of Chrysler compels you'. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Aethelric Date: 17 Aug 25 - 03:52 PM A lot of people say "Donald Trump is a piece of shit" But they don't say that on the Isle of Lewis, where his mother came from. They say "Donald Trump is a piece o' shite". |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Date: 18 Aug 25 - 08:35 AM ...a rare real lol... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: MaJoC the Filk Date: 24 Aug 25 - 03:16 AM Just found this in an unrelated context: How to Use a Microwave Without Summoning Satan
Go safely when you cook, folks. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mr Red Date: 26 Aug 25 - 11:45 AM The Welsh for Microwave (Oven) is: Poppty Ping The literal translation for poppty is "oven" - note to Cymraigophones that is what Google thinks also "popty microdon". & I did buy a packet of Welsh Cakes that declared - "Poppty Jones" - Jones the Baker I guess. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: MaJoC the Filk Date: 27 Aug 25 - 07:40 AM Just saw this ....
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: MaJoC the Filk Date: 28 Aug 25 - 06:21 AM New terms I haven't seen before: in answer to "does anyone have one [a PDP11/73] to test it on?", someone said:
There then followed a discussion on the possible Freudian slip for "filing system", concluded by:
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mr Red Date: 29 Aug 25 - 09:55 AM The fact that there is a highway to hell and only a stairway to heaven say a lot about the anticipated traffic numbers. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Date: 29 Aug 25 - 03:35 PM Infants and toddlers can be aggravating and loud, so god made a baptism rule to get into heaven. Recently, god made the cutoff at 24 hours after birth. Heaven is much quieter now. Rules are rules. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Fred Date: 31 Aug 25 - 03:36 PM A preacher has fallen through a rope bridge crossing a raging river. He's managed to grab a rope and is dangling in mid-air. A man calls to him from the bridge "Do you need any help preacher?" "No, no. I've put my faith in God, he'll look after me". A boat comes along and the skipper tells him to drop to the deck "No, no. I've put my faith in God, he won't let me down". The preacher eventually falls into the river and is eaten by a crocodile. He gets to Heaven and says to God "I've served you, had faith in you - what happened?" And God says "Well, I don't know, I sent a man and a boat..." -F |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Date: 06 Sep 25 - 04:41 PM In Chicago with troops in the streets, the Pope leaned towards Mr. Trump and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives, whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!" Trump replied, "Bullshit. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!" So the Pope slapped him hard in the face and the crowd went wild! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 07 Sep 25 - 09:38 AM Well done, Don! That was actually a joke :-D Mind you, it would never happen. If the Pope was wearing his frock, Trump would try to shag him... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 07 Sep 25 - 09:39 AM Oh, and 400 :-D |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mrrzy Date: 08 Sep 25 - 07:56 PM What has two butts and kills people? An assassin! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Date: 08 Sep 25 - 08:29 PM Dave, Trump's Erectile dysfunction is so severe the only thing Viagra makes hard is his heart arteries. |
