BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Joe_F
Date: 14 Jan 09 - 09:11 PM

Those of you who think you know it all are a source of amusement to those of us who do.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: GUEST,Mrr
Date: 15 Jan 09 - 08:48 AM

The fly-in-the-coffee joke was told, back in the 60's, about how long people had been in Africa.
New arrivals - send the drink back.
Been there a few weeks - take the fly out, drink the drink.
Been there a few months - drink the drink, fly and all.
Been there a few years, get a drink with no fly in it, Hey waiter, where's my fly?!?

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 15 Jan 09 - 09:42 AM

GUEST,Mrr, you left out one of the stages:
"Fish out the fly, wring the beer out of it, throw it away, and drink the beer."

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Joe_F
Date: 15 Jan 09 - 11:23 PM

If wishes were horses, there would be an easy explanation for all this horseshit.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Naemanson
Date: 17 Jan 09 - 05:01 AM

And then the fight started...

ROTFLMAO!

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 17 Jan 09 - 06:26 AM

Having won the lottery I told my wife she could have anything she wanted for Christmas..... She said she wanted something with a whole lot of diamonds in it... so I bought her a pack of playing cards... and then the fight started LOL

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 17 Jan 09 - 09:48 AM

"Fashion Guidelines"

Many of us [those over 40, WAY over 40, or
hovering near 40] are quite confused about how
we should present ourselves.

We are unsure about the kind of image we are
projecting and whether or not we are correct as
we try to conform to current fashions. Despite
what you may have seen, the following combinations
DO NOT go together and should be avoided:

1. A nose ring and bifocals

2. Spiked hair and bald spots

3. A pierced tongue and dentures

4. Miniskirt and support hose

5. Ankle bracelet and corn pads

6. Speedos and cellulite

7. A belly ring and a gall bladder scar

8. Unbuttoned disco shirt and a heart monitor

9. Midriff shirt and a midriff bulge

10. Bikinis and liver spots

11. Short shorts and varicose veins

12. Inline skates and a walker

Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your
mind when you shop!

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Joe_F
Date: 17 Jan 09 - 08:47 PM

It is easier for a camel to pass thru the eye of a needle if it is lightly greased.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: GUEST
Date: 18 Jan 09 - 01:41 AM

"C" senoir

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: open mike
Date: 18 Jan 09 - 05:03 AM

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

1st woman: Hi! My name is Sherry.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, & finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic & searched, & down into the basement. Then I went through every closet & checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, & finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack & died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

***********************************************************

Kids Are Quick
____________________________________

TEACHER:   Maria, go to the map and find North America
MARIA:       Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS:       Maria.
______________________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN:         You told me to do it without using tables.
____________________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN:       K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN:       Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
_______________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD:    H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD:    Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________ _____________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE:    Me!
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN:       Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________________
TEACHER:   George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS:    Because George still had the axe in his hand..
_______________________________________________
   
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON:      No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
_______________________________________________
   
TEACHER:   Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE :       No, sir. It's the same dog.
_______________________________________________-_____
TEACHER:    Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD:       A teacher
___________________________________________

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Mrrzy
Date: 18 Jan 09 - 11:48 AM

Oh, DaveO, we didn't have any scottish people in post-colonial West Africa ;) !

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Joe_F
Date: 18 Jan 09 - 08:00 PM

Be sweet, and you'll be eaten.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Sooz
Date: 19 Jan 09 - 04:23 AM

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came over and took their drink order.

'I would like a Sprite,' said the first little piggy.

'I would like a Coke,' said the second little piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner

'I want a nice big steak,' said the first piggy.

'I would like the salad plate,' said the second piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

'I want a banana split,' said the first piggy.

'I want a cheesecake,' said the second piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' exclaimed the third little piggy.

'Pardon me for asking,' said the waiter to the third little piggy,'

But why have you only ordered beer all evening?'


You're gonna LOVE me for this....


The third piggy says -


'Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 19 Jan 09 - 08:44 AM

"Wishing Genie"

A man was sitting alone in his office one night
when a genie popped up out of his ashtray.

"And what will your third wish be?"

The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh?
How can I be getting a third wish when I haven't
had a first or second wish yet?"

"You have had two wishes already," the genie
said, "but your second wish was for me to put
everything back the way it was before you made
your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing,
because everything is the way it was before
you made any wishes. You now have one wish
left."

"Okay," said the man, "I don't believe this, but
what the heck. I wish I were irresistible to women."

"Funny," said the genie as it granted his wish and
disappeared forever, "That was your first wish, too!"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: katlaughing
Date: 19 Jan 09 - 11:19 AM

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

= You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!
= There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
= The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These Men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These Men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

"That's nice," she thinks, "but I want more."

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and Are Extremely Good Looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids, Are Drop-Dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids, Are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 20 Jan 09 - 08:17 AM

Blonde phones home:
"Honey can you pick me up from the Emergency Ward."
"What have you done now?"
"Nothing, just obeying instructions. I got this new stick deodorant and it said: Remove cap and push up bottom. Oh, and can you put a rubber ring in the car"

RtS

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Bryn Pugh
Date: 20 Jan 09 - 10:17 AM

Nothing succeeds like a toothless budgerigar.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Joe_F
Date: 20 Jan 09 - 09:24 PM

First you go to hell, then your body rots, and then you die.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 21 Jan 09 - 03:59 PM

"Protection"

The drunk was floundering down the alley carrying
a box with holes on the side. He bumped into a
friend who asked, "What do you have in there, pal?"

"A mongoose."

"What for?"

"Well, you know how drunk I can get. When I get
drunk I see snakes, and I'm scared to death of
snakes. That's why I got this mongoose, for
protection."

"But," the friend said, "you idiot! Those are
imaginary snakes."

"That's okay," said the drunk, showing his friend
the interior of the box, "So is the mongoose."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Joe_F
Date: 21 Jan 09 - 09:21 PM

Cf.:

"I wish I had a million dollars."
"Would you give me some?"
"Hell, no! You can do your own wishing."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Gurney
Date: 22 Jan 09 - 01:00 AM

Bryn, is someone breeding Budgies with TEETH?

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 22 Jan 09 - 08:39 AM

A Murder Mystery (true story) ...

For those who have served on jury...this one is something to think about...Just when you think you have heard everything!! Do you like to read a good murder mystery? Not even Law and Order would attempt to capture this mess. This is an unbelievable twist of fate!!!

At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for The American Association of Forensic Science, (AAFS)President Dr. Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the story:

On March 23, 1994 the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus, and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. Mr. Opus had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide. He left a note to the effect indicating his despondency.

As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the deceased was aware that a safety net had been installed just below the eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.

The room on the ninth floor, where the shotgun blast emanated, was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously and he was threatening her with a shotgun! The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger, he completely missed his wife, and the pellets went through the window, striking Mr. Opus. When one intends to kill subject 'A' but kills subject 'B' in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject 'B.'

When confronted with the murder charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant, and both said that they thought the shotgun was not loaded. The old man said it was a long- standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her. Therefore, the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be an accident; that is, assuming the gun had been accidentally loaded.

The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother.

Since the loader of the gun was aware of this, he was guilty of the murder even though he didn't actually pull the trigger. The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.

Now for the exquisite twist... Further investigation revealed that the son was, in fact, Ronald Opus. He had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth story window. The son, Ronald Opus, had actually murdered himself. So the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide. A true story from Associated Press

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 22 Jan 09 - 03:26 PM

(No joke.) When something seems too bizarre to be true, it's worth checking Snopes.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Joe_F
Date: 22 Jan 09 - 09:37 PM

Speaking of budgies:

A little boy went into a hardware store and asked for some detergent. "What do you want it for?", asked the proprietor. "To wash my budgerigar", said the boy. "That won't do it any good", said the proprietor. Nevertheless, the boy bought a box of detergent. A week later, the boy came in again. "How is the budgerigar?", asked the proprietor. "Dead", said the boy. "What did I tell you?", said the proprietor. "It wasn't the detergent that did it", said the boy. "It was the wringer."

A Welsh joke, I believe.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 23 Jan 09 - 09:55 AM

"Qualified Twins"

The chief of staff of the US Army decided that he
would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis
affecting all of our armed services. He directed a
nearby base to be opened and that all eligible young
men and women be invited. As he and his staff were
standing near a brand new M-1 Battle Tank, a pair of
twins, well built, neatly kept brothers who looked like
they had just stepped off an Army Corps recruiting
poster walked up to them.

The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his
hand and introduced himself. He looked at the first
young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring
to the best Army in the world?"

The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!"
The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says,
"Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything,
do it!"

The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks
at the second young man and asked, "What skills to
you bring to this man's Army?"
The young man says, "I chop wood!"

"Son," the general replies, "we don't need wood
choppers in the Army, what do you know how to do?"

"I chop wood!"

"Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening
to me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 21st
century and our battles are fought with our minds as
much as with our bodies!"

"Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!"

"Of course we did," says the general, "he's a pilot!"

The young man rolls his eyes and says, "Well, I have
to 'chop it' before he can 'pile it'!"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: GUEST,Susu's Hubby
Date: 24 Jan 09 - 09:41 AM

Prince Charles was driving on his mother's estate when he accidentally ran over her favorite dog, killing it instantly. He jumped out of his car and sat down on the grass, distraught.

Suddenly he noticed a lamp half buried in the ground. He dug it up and polished it off.
A genie appeared and said, 'You have freed me from thousands of years of captivity. As a reward I will grant you one wish.'

'Well,' Prince Charles said, 'I have all the things I need, but I just killed this dog. Is there any way you can bring it back to life?'

The genie looked at the dog and said, 'The dog is too mutilated to bring back to life. Is there something else you would like?'

The prince thought for a moment, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos. 'I was married to this beautiful woman named Diana,' Prince Charles said, showing the genie the first photo. 'The whole country loved her. But we divorced and then she died. A few months ago I married this woman, Camilla.' He showed the genie the second photo, then said, 'Camilla isn't the beauty Diana was, and everyone hates her. Do you think you can make Camilla as beautiful as Diana?'

The genie studied the two photographs and after a few moments said, 'Let's have a look at that dog again.'

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 24 Jan 09 - 10:07 AM

"Safe Banking"

A young college co-ed came running in tears to
her father. "Dad, you gave me some terrible
financial advice!"

"I did? What did I tell you?" said the dad.

"You told me to put my money in that big bank,
and now that big bank is in trouble."

"What are you talking about? That's one of the
largest banks in the state," he said. "there must
be some mistake."

"I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned
one of my checks with a note saying, 'Insufficient
Funds'."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Joe_F
Date: 24 Jan 09 - 10:18 PM

What's the difference between a rich Scotsman, a puir Scotsman, and a deid Scotsman?

The rich Scotsman has a canopy over his bed. The puir Scotsman has a can o' pee under his bed. The deid Scotsman canna pee at a'.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Nickhere
Date: 24 Jan 09 - 11:06 PM

A friend told me her dad said this to a guy in a cafe. She and her dad (who's quite outspoken) were having coffee together and at a nearby table was a young punk, full rainbow-coloured mohican, safety pins etc., Her dad was staring at him for ages and my friend was getting worried "oh no, he's going to say something smart, I can just feel it"

Eventually the punk realised he was being stared at and angrily demanded "what are you staring at?"

Her dad said "well i was staring at your hair"

The punk answered "I suppose you were always boring and never did anything in your life?"

Her dad replied "Oh yes, I did. I got drunk once and think i had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Nickhere
Date: 24 Jan 09 - 11:25 PM

This one is rather old, but I still love it -

A frog goes into a bank and hops up to the counter. He coughs once or twice until the cashier, a young woman called Patricia Whack leans over the counter top and sees him. What can I do for you? she asks. The frog replies, I'd like to get a loan.

A loan? For a Frog? That's highly unusual. Do you even have any ID?

Don't need it, replies the frog, everyone knows who I am.

Who are you? she asks

Frog rolls his eyes and wearily replies "I'm Kermit - Kermit Jagger"

What? She asks, you mean you're Mick Jagger's son?

Yeah, that's him. That's my dad alright, replies the Frog. Anyway, how about that loan?

Well, says Patricia, how much did you want to borrow?

About 20,000 ought to do it, says the frog.

20,000???!! That's a lot of money, may I the purpose of the loan?

Oh, I thought I'd live it up a bit, maybe buy a small yacht, do a bit of cruising, says the frog.

I dun't know says Patricia, trying to think of some way of turning the frog down. Do you have any collateral?

Yeah, sure. says the frog, pulling a small, porcelain elephant, perfectly formed, from his pocket (don't tell me you didn't know frogs have pockets?).

Patty takes the elephant, looks at it carefully and says. well Kermit, I'll have to ask the manager about this. Mind if I show him the elephant?

Not at all, says Kermit.

Patty goes in to the manager:

There's a frog outside who says he's Kermit Jagger and wants a loan to buy a boat and gave me this as collateral, what is it anyway?

The manger looks at her and says -





"It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 24 Jan 09 - 11:29 PM

A conversation

_Man_: God?
_God_: Yes!?
_Man_: Can I ask you something?
_God_: Yes.
_Man_: What is for you a million of years?
_God_: A second.
_Man_: And a million of dollars?
_God_: A penny.
_Man: God, Can you give me a penny?
_God_: Wait a second!

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: MudGuard
Date: 25 Jan 09 - 02:52 PM

I hope I got the translation right, I just read this in German ...

Dialog between a couple:

Before marriage:

He: Finally! I waited so long!
She: You want me to leave!
He: No! Why do you think that? It is awful for me to think of that!
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course! At every time of day or night!
She: Have you ever been unfaithful to me?
He: No! Never! Why do you ask?
She: Do you want to kiss me?
He: Yes, every time I get the opportunity!
She: Would you ever beat me?
He: Are you crazy? You know me better!
She: Can I trust you completely?
He: Yes.
She: My darling!


Some years after marriage:
read from bottom to top!

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 28 Jan 09 - 09:38 AM

"Learning to Swim"

A member of the Country Club asked the lifeguard
how he might go about teaching a young lady to
swim. "It takes considerable time and technique."
replied the guard. "First you must take her into the
water, then place one arm about her waist, hold her
tightly, then take her right arm and raise it very slowly..."

"This is certainly most helpful." said the member.
"I know that my sister will appreciate it."

"Your sister?" said the lifeguard. "In that case,
just push her into the deep end of the pool.
She'll learn in a hurry."

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 28 Jan 09 - 06:40 PM

Moms in group therapy

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young Mothers and their small children. 'You each have an obsession,' he observed.
   
To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.'   
   
He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'
   
He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: 'Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'   

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her
little boy by the hand, and whispered, 'Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's go pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner.'

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Joe_F
Date: 28 Jan 09 - 08:36 PM

An American at a diplomatic reception in Paris approached the bar with some trepidation. A native standing next to him asked if he could be of assistance. "Well", said the American hesitantly, "I was hoping for a bourbon". The diplomat gave a little bow & asked "Would a Hapsburg do?"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 29 Jan 09 - 10:12 AM

"By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll
be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a
philosopher."
-- Socrates

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Joe_F
Date: 29 Jan 09 - 09:01 PM

A Bachelor's Prayer

O Lord, may I never be married. But if I must marry, may my wife be faithful to me. But if she must be unfaithful, may I not know about it. But if I must know, may I not mind.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 01 Feb 09 - 02:54 PM

"Fishing Drunk"

A drunk decides to go ice fishing, so he gathers his
gear and goes walking around until he finds a big patch
of ice. He heads into the center of the ice and begins
to saw a hole.

All of sudden, a loud booming voice comes out of the
sky, "You will find no fish under that ice."

The drunk looks around, but sees no one. He shrugs and
starts sawing again. Once more, the voice speaks, "As
I said before, there are no fish under the ice."

The drunk looks all around, high and low, but can't see
a single soul. He picks up the saw and tries one more
time.

Before he can even start cutting, the huge voice
interrupts: "I have warned you three times now. There
are no fish!"

The drunk is now flustered and somewhat scared, so he
asks the voice, "How do you know there are no fish?
Are you God trying to warn me?"

"No," the voice replied, "I am the manager of this
hockey rink."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 02 Feb 09 - 12:07 PM

"Pork Breakthrough"

Pig farmers have never done well in the United States.
Most Americans prefer beef to pork. Hamburger is an
American favorite but contains no ham.

The porcine raisers were hopeful to see a significant
increase in their business after the scares about
health over beef, but most of the benefits had gone
to the poultry and fish industries; sale of ham and
bacon remained virtually unchanged.

Because of this, The National Porcine Association hired
a major Madison Avenue advertising firm to boost sale
of pork products. They decided on an intensive
campaign to saturate magazines, television, and radio
with ads urging people to eat pork patties.

The campaign was given an extra boost when Congress
was convinced to designate the second of February as
the day when every family would be urged to eat pork
sausage.

That day would be celebrated nationally, of course, as
Ground Hog Day.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 03 Feb 09 - 08:37 AM

A man seeking to join a south Texas Sheriff's Department is being
interviewed.

The Sergeant doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look
good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take
before you can be accepted."

Then, sliding a service pistol across the desk, he says: "Take this
pistol and go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers,
six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit."

"Why the rabbit?"

"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 03 Feb 09 - 11:40 AM

A blonde city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn.. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'
The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'
The man, assuming he is dealing with an air head blonde, asks, 'Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?'

'That's simple she said, by the nail that's over its stall,' she explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'

The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder,
'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'

(It's nice to see a blonde winning once in awhile.)

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Joe_F
Date: 03 Feb 09 - 09:04 PM

DaveO: Here's an old version of the 8:37 one:

"I'm not an antisemite."
"Well, I am. All the troubles in this country come from the Jews -- and the bicycle riders."
"Why the bicycle riders?"

And as to the 11:40 one, cf.

Boy & girl are sitting on a fence watching a bull & a cow.
Boy (shyly): Gee, I wish I was a-doin' that.
Girl (shrugs): It's your cow.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: katlaughing
Date: 05 Feb 09 - 07:30 PM

Remember Dave Barry?:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis . Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies. I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon. The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet. After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough. At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this is, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and anaesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anaesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate. 'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like. I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

ABOUT THE WRITER: Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald. On the subject of Colonoscopies... Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
And the best one of all.
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Bert
Date: 05 Feb 09 - 08:51 PM

Ah yes, a colonoscopy.

First they took my blood pressure. Then I went in for 'the procedure'.

When I came out the nurse took my blood presure again.

I said "why are you taking it again?"

She replied "We usually find it goes up a little"

Me "I'm not surpised!!"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Desert Dancer
Date: 05 Feb 09 - 09:00 PM

For the upcoming holiday --

A woman woke up and told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's Day. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight," he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package, and gave it to his wife.

Delighted, she opened it -- to find a book title, "The Meaning of Dreams."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Mickey191
Date: 06 Feb 09 - 02:28 AM

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed.They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, Can you tell me how to get to 1600 Mockingbird Lane?' The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?' Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley.We'll be there in no time.'
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket,put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Mickey191
Date: 06 Feb 09 - 02:35 AM

WHO SAYS MEN DON'T REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES?
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

"Do you remember when I met you and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car, making love?" "Yes, I remember" says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues... "Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'" "I remember that too" she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says.......

"I would have gotten out today."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: julian morbihan
Date: 06 Feb 09 - 04:22 AM

Carrying on the colonoscopy thread...

I now live in France and as part of a regular check-up was sent to the local hospital for the dreaded colonoscopy.

The anesthetist spoke only a little English and as the nurse approached with the needle, she said "It is alright she is just going to sleep with you".

So I drifted off to sleep with laughter ringing in my ears...

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: GUEST,machree01
Date: 06 Feb 09 - 11:05 AM

After the dance, the young man asked the young lady if he could see her home, so she showed him a photogragh of it.
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Patient: "Will my measles be better next week, doctor?"
Doctor: "I hope so, but i don't like making rash promises.
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Andy: "Every day my dog and i go for a tramp in the woods."
Sandy: "And does the dog enjoy it?"
Andy: Oh yes-but the tramp is a bit fed up."
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Splott Man
Date: 06 Feb 09 - 11:27 AM

100!

It's no joke!