Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Raggytash Date: 14 Mar 23 - 11:49 AM Doug, I think there was a gilch of Mudcat yesterday I definitely posted my comment on the correct Leek Folk Day thread but it ended up here! |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Mrrzy Date: 14 Mar 23 - 01:00 AM There was an Australian visiting New Zealand, walking along, sees a man who appears to be shagging a sheep. Hoy mate, what are you doing? I'm shagging this sheep, you fool! Don't you shear'm? Nah, git yer ahn! |
Subject: RE: Obit: Obit 'Someone else' From: Doug Chadwick Date: 13 Mar 23 - 04:00 PM This would be more appropriate in the "BS: Joke thread for 2023". The 'Obit:' prefix should be reserved for genuine obituaries. DC Mudelves concur. ---mudelf |
Subject: RE: Obit: Obit 'Someone else' From: Helen Date: 13 Mar 23 - 03:29 PM Thanks Georgiansilver. :-D There must be a few Someone Elses who have passed away, because I have seen similar obits here in Australia. My hubby, now retired, worked in IT and if a problem was identified it was often humorously labelled as an SEP (Someone Else's Problem). |
Subject: RE: Obit: Obit 'Someone else' From: Raggytash Date: 13 Mar 23 - 03:24 PM If anyone is going to Leek call in at the Wilkes Head pub, the landlord (Moggie) is a great, guitarist, banjo player and singer. He's also as mad as a box of frogs, great company, great beers!. |
Subject: Obit: Obit 'Someone else' From: Georgiansilver Date: 13 Mar 23 - 10:37 AM "I know that all of you were saddened, to learn this week of the death of one of our most valuable workmates, ‘Someone Else’. Someone Elses passing created a vacancy that will be difficult to fill. Someone has been with us for many years, and for every one of those years Someone did far more than the normal person’s share of the work. Whenever leadership was mentioned, this wonderful person was looked to for inspiration as well as results. 'Someone Else can work with that group'!. Whenever there was a job to do, a workshop to lead, or a meeting to attend, the same name was on everyone’s lips. 'Let Someone Else do it'!. It was common knowledge that Someone Else was among the largest givers of time and talent in our organisation. Someone Else was a wonderful person, sometimes even appearing super-human, and the truth is that everyone expected too much of Someone Else. Now Someone Else is gone, and we are left to wonder what to do now. Someone Else left us all a wonderful example to follow but who is going to follow it? Who is going to do the things Someone Else did? Remember, we can’t depend on Someone Else anymore so you might be required to do something yourself!!!!!." (Author unknown.) |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Donuel Date: 13 Mar 23 - 09:15 AM China wants Taiwan back and Russia wants Ukraine Trump wants the White House if only he had a brain To hate all but the right folks Is an old established joke But during National Armistice Week, National Armistice Week Olensky and Putin are slow dancing cheek to cheek It's fun to eulogize the people you despise As long you don't let them win their war Oh, the poor folks, hate the rich folks And the rich folks hate the poor folks Poor folks get the small arms and the rich get bombs It's as biblical as the Psalms But during National Armistice Week, National Armistice Week The MAGAverse loves the immigrants cause it's very chic Stand up and shake the hand of someone you can't stand You can tolerate the morons if you try Oh the Protestants hate the Catholics And the Catholics hate the Protestants And the Hindus hate the Muslims And everybody hates the Jews But during National Armistice Week, National Armistice Week It's National Everyone-Smile-At-One-Another-hood Week Be nice to people who are inferior to you It's only for a week so have no fear Be grateful that it doesn't last all year thanks to Tom Leher and the Yank version of jokes |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Mrrzy Date: 13 Mar 23 - 08:52 AM Dyslexics of the world, untie! |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 12 Mar 23 - 07:37 PM Yeah, gillymor. You and I could live to 110 and still have failed to apprise Donuel of the meaning of "joke." I will concede, however, that I did like the one that said "It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education." It's not a joke, and I tittered not, but at least it was a word of wisdom that I can latch on to. |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 12 Mar 23 - 06:56 PM You remineded me, Bill What noise does a gnu make? Bnag |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: gillymor Date: 12 Mar 23 - 04:38 PM I hope that Einstein fellow is not trying to make a living as a comedian. Not a joke in the lot. |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Donuel Date: 12 Mar 23 - 04:15 PM Chauvinistic golfers blame the hole but not their balls. |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Donuel Date: 12 Mar 23 - 04:05 PM You do not really understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother. – Albert Einstein It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education. – Albert Einstein I tried to imagine the easiest way God could have done it. – Albert Einstein If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts. – Albert Einstein |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 12 Mar 23 - 07:40 AM Reminds me of the one about Harry's book "Spare." It's the kind of book that, once you've put it down, you can't pick it up again. |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: G-Force Date: 12 Mar 23 - 04:41 AM In the words of the great Ben Elton, 'Laugh? I thought I'd never start'. |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Donuel Date: 10 Mar 23 - 10:20 PM The right-wing are such degenerate gamblers. They casino Big Lie. |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Doug Chadwick Date: 10 Mar 23 - 05:33 PM I was told that, because I had dyslexia, I would never be any good at poetry. Since then, I've made two vases, a jug and a set of bowls, so what do they know? DC |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 10 Mar 23 - 04:34 PM Mrs Steve groaned aloud when I read her Bill's one. That alone proves without the shadow of a doubt what a classic it is, Bill! |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Mrrzy Date: 10 Mar 23 - 04:15 PM BillD, deer, I gnu I'd regret reading that one... |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 10 Mar 23 - 02:42 PM This is absolutely true. A good few years ago, a geography teacher at the secondary school in Bude (shall we call him "Len?") was briefing his class of 15-year-olds before sending them out with clipboards to do a survey of the local shops. His parting shot before sending them out into town was "Right, boys and girls. Don't forget that I'll be in town myself keeping an eye on you, and I don't want to see you boys standing around on the street corners scratching your balls..." "Len" is an old boy now but he's still around. In his day he was a mean, if wayward, trombone player who'd lead the band through town at the start of the Bude jazz festival. If I bump into him in town, even if it's just a sighting across the street, he greets me at 150 decibels like a long-lost friend, and he always asks about our two children by name, who he knew from the north Cornwall schools band ("Trigg"), even though he hasn't seen them now for 25 years. What a star! We need more of his kind! |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Michael Date: 10 Mar 23 - 02:13 PM A secondary school I worked in; morning assembly, the head was ranting about a football breaking a window, "Boys who want to play with balls must do so on the tennis court". |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Bill D Date: 10 Mar 23 - 01:32 PM A guy who lived very close to his local zoo, and was well known to the staff was wandering around one day when he came to the wildebeest exhibit. He didn't see the usual resident of the enclosure, and and asked a keeper where it was. The keeper told him that the animal was getting on in years, and was either going to be sent to a retirement pasture or possibly put down. This made the man kinda sad, and on an impulse he asked if it would be possible to adopt it. The keeper said that that was highly regular, but it sounded like a good idea and he would take it up with the management of the zoo. Amazingly, the committee agreed and quietly arranged for the man to have the animal brought to his yard, which was quite spacious and fenced. Well, the man and the wildebeest really bonded, and the guy wondered if he could train his new companion like he had done with a border collie he once had. So he spent several months trying to get it to sit down, lay down on the ground, roll over and even beg for its dinner. Sadly, it was all to no avail, and after a while he gave up, reminding himself of an old saying he once heard. "You can't teach an old Gnu dog tricks." |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Bill D Date: 10 Mar 23 - 01:10 PM When I was in eighth grade, the new English teacher introduced himself this way. "My name is Mr. Newsom, I weigh 220 pounds and I used to teach judo in the Navy now let's get down to studying English." |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: MaJoC the Filk Date: 10 Mar 23 - 07:45 AM > I suspect that must have been well planned MaJoC. I was given to understand this was entirely spontaneous. As the offending record was high in the charts at the time, the fourth form were well practiced already, and the response was Pavlovian. |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 10 Mar 23 - 07:15 AM I suspect that must have been well planned MaJoC. During my further education at Worsley College of Knowledge there was a dinner lady who always asked the question "Gravy, love?" A few of us practiced the Supremes dance routine and responded with the song "Gravy love, oh gravy love. I need you, oh how I need you love..." |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: MaJoC the Filk Date: 10 Mar 23 - 07:08 AM My brother told me of something that happened at his school assembly once. The Headmaster was having a jolly good rant, and said about something-or-other (I forget what) "This is madness!" At this, the entire fourth year, as one, followed through with "One Step Beyond!" and started doing the appropriate dance (Dur dur durrrr, dur de dur dur durrrr). I believe this was the only time an entire year got detention. |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 10 Mar 23 - 06:45 AM Dunno whether this is apocryphal, but I was told it was true. A new headmaster at a rough school was trying to assert his authority in his first school assembly. He stood on the stage in front of the school and said, "Right, let's get this straight before we start. There are only two bastards in this school, and I'm both of 'em..." |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 10 Mar 23 - 04:03 AM *Sigh* So many women, so little time... *sigh* |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Mrrzy Date: 09 Mar 23 - 10:11 PM I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken. |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Joe_F Date: 07 Mar 23 - 05:59 PM Aliter: Last year I had one glaring fault. I was conceited. |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Geoff Wallis Date: 07 Mar 23 - 01:47 PM I used to be a werewolf, but I'm not one nowwwwoooooooooooo! |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Doug Chadwick Date: 07 Mar 23 - 01:10 PM I used to be big headed but now I am perfect. Modesty is just one of my many qualities. DC |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 07 Mar 23 - 10:21 AM That's like me. Humility is my middle name, I'm proud of it and I'll shout it from the bloody rooftops. |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: gillymor Date: 07 Mar 23 - 09:18 AM Modesty is the one thing I'm not good at. Because I'm great at it. |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Mrrzy Date: 06 Mar 23 - 10:58 AM A large and powerful kingdom conquered their wealthy neighbor only to discover its treasure was all hidden away. Only the count from the conquered kingdom knew where the gold was hidden but he refused to tell. The conquerors took him to the dungeon, placed his head on the chopping block, and told him: “This is your last chance! Tell us where the gold is or off comes your head!” Beads of sweat slithered down the count’s face but still he said nothing. The captain gave the signal, and the executioner brought his hatchet down, but just as he did, the count’s courage broke and he blurted out: “No! Wait! I’ll tell you where gold’s hid-“ But it was too late. The axe came down, off came the head, and no one got the gold. The moral of the story is: “Don’t hatchet your count before he chickens.” |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 04 Mar 23 - 05:34 PM :-) |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 04 Mar 23 - 05:05 PM Crossing over to my thread about growing mushrooms. I have been encouraging my mushrooms to grow by singing Queen songs at them We are the champignons my friend... |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Donuel Date: 04 Mar 23 - 11:13 AM I've also noticed that it goes farther below 0 down here than it does in Canada. |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Charmion's brother Andrew Date: 04 Mar 23 - 09:30 AM Donuel, your Pope's chauffeur joke needs translation into Canadian. The Pope is visiting Alberta. At the end his official visit, the Canadian government gives him a chauffeur-driven car to see the natural beauty of the Canadian Rockies. Twenty kilometres west of Calgary, he says to the driver: "Oh, let me get behind the wheel. I'm from the tiny Papal States, and I always have to sit in the back of the Popemobile, even though I am such a passionate driver!" So the chauffeur swaps seats with the Pope. After a few kilometers, the Pope is pulled over by an RCMP constable. The Pope winds the window down and the Mountie immediately runs back to his car. From there he calls his superior: "Staff sergeant, I have a problem. I have a speeder here." "What is the problem? Just issue him a ticket!" "I think he is a big shot, though." "Does he out-rank me?" "Staff, I am afraid that is the case." "Is he higher ranked than the prime minister?" "Staff, I believe that is the case." "Who is he then?" "I don't know, but the Pope is his chauffeur." |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: MudGuard Date: 03 Mar 23 - 03:32 PM more unix fun (at least some years ago these really worked ...): (% represents the csh, $ represents the bourne shell) % "How poorly would you rate the Unix (so-called) user interface? Unmatched ". % rm congressional-ethics rm: congressional-ethics nonexistent % ar m God ar: God does not exist % [Where is Jimmy Hoffa? Missing ]. % ^How did the sex change^ operation go? Modifier failed. % If I had a ( for every $ Congress spent, what would I have? Too many ('s. %make love Make: Don't know how to make love. Stop. % sleep with me bad character % got a light? No match. % man: why did you get a divorce? man:: Too many arguments. % ^What is saccharine? Bad substitute. % \(- (-: Command not found. % sh $ PATH=pretending! /usr/ucb/which sense no sense in pretending $ drink opener: not found $ mkdir matter; cat >matter matter: cannot create Or, in a System V (att) universe: $ cat "can of food" cat: cannot open can of food |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Mrrzy Date: 03 Mar 23 - 03:28 PM I sense a missed Tom Swifty. |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 03 Mar 23 - 12:41 PM We were told at school that they were the only two. |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Georgiansilver Date: 03 Mar 23 - 09:07 AM Of course Steve there is always Abstemiously as well as facetiously that have all vowels and a y in the correct order. |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 03 Mar 23 - 04:12 AM My Grandad used to worry about all the friends he had lost Maybe being a tour guide was a bad career choice |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Donuel Date: 02 Mar 23 - 06:15 PM The Pope is visiting Canada. After completing his visit, the Canadian government gives him a chauffeur-driven car to see the natural beauty of Canada. After 20 kilometers through Canada, he says to the driver: "Oh, let me get behind the wheel. I'm from the narrow Papal States, and I always have to sit in the back of the popemobile. even though I am such a passionate driver!" So the chauffeur swaps seats with the Pope. After a few kilometers, the Pope is stopped by a police officer. The Pope winds the window down and the policeman immediately runs back to his car. From there he calls his superior: "Lieutenant , i have a problem. I have a speeder here." "What is the problem? Just fine him!" "I think he is a big shot though." "Is he higher ranked than me?" "Lieutenant, i believe that is the case." "Is he higher ranked than the prime minister?" "Lieutenant, i am afraid that is the case." "Who is he then?" "I don't know, but the Pope is his chauffeur." |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Mrrzy Date: 02 Mar 23 - 10:26 AM In the middle of a conversation with my trans nephew I asked if he'd done something Under duress. He quipped Oh, no, I don't wear duresses any more. |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: MaJoC the Filk Date: 02 Mar 23 - 06:41 AM When commercial sites started using BSD (fondly known by some of us as Berzerkeley Unix), some (*ahem*) managers pruned the "tunafish" joke out of tunefs(8)'s manpage. In SunOS 4.1.1, it had been reinstated, together with a comment in the source: "Take this out and a Unix Demon will dog your steps till the time_t's wrap around." We take our jokes seriously. .... My favourite bit in the BUGS section of a manpage (which I can no longer find) was: "This is a very small candle attempting to illuminate a large, dark problem." Fifty bonus points to whoever rediscovers it for us all. |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 02 Mar 23 - 04:32 AM For years the UNIX manual page for tunefs (the command for tweaking a file system) had the comment "You can tune a file system but you cannot tune a fish" They were a bundle of laughs those early developers... |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Mrrzy Date: 01 Mar 23 - 10:05 PM What's worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing taxis! |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 01 Mar 23 - 05:43 PM Or a moggie boggie... |