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BS: Joke thread for 2023
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: HuwG Date: 16 Jan 23 - 09:01 AM Two from UK comedian Jack Dee... She: Does this hat go with this dress? He: Yes. They're both horrible. She: Does my bottom look big in this? He: Well, it is rather a small shop. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Bill D Date: 15 Jan 23 - 09:02 AM Two old friends accidentally meet for the first time in months. Bob rushes up to Sam and gushes, "Oh, I'm so glad to see you, Sam! About 2 months ago, my life changed! You know how I was always hard of hearing? Welll.. I got new hearing aids! They cost me over $3000, but it makes such a difference!" "That's great", Sam replies, "What kind are they?" Bob glances at his watch... "Oh, about 11:15." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 14 Jan 23 - 07:21 PM A man says to his doctor "I think my wife is going deaf, but I don't want to mention it as it'll be tactless and insensitive. Is there any way I can gauge it, preferably without her knowing?" The doctor replies: "There is, it's quite easy, choose a moment when she has her back to you, say something in a normal voice and if she doesn't answer, move a little nearer and say it again and you'll get an idea about her hearing." So when he comes home from work, his wife is standing with her back to him in the kitchen. He says "What's for dinner love?" but gets no answer. He moves in a little closer "What's for dinner love?" again, no response, and moves in again "What's for dinner love?" - nothing. By now he's right behind her, he says again "What's for dinner love?" She turns round and says "For the fourth time - chicken!!" Cheers, Barry! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 14 Jan 23 - 07:16 PM Even more Barry Cryer: A man goes into a pub and says to the landlord: 'If you give me free drinks all night, I will entertain your customers so much they will stay all night and buy lots and lots of drinks.' 'Oh yes,' says the landlord. 'How are you going to do that?' The man gets a hamster out of his pocket and puts it on the piano. The hamster runs up and down the keyboard playing the greatest piano music anyone had ever heard. 'That's incredible!' says the landlord. 'Have you got anything else?' The man gets a parrot out of his other pocket and puts it on the bar. The hamster begins to play the piano again and the parrot sings along - sounding just like Pavarotti. Everyone in the bar is amazed and they stay all night drinking and listening to the hamster and parrot. The landlord is delighted. 'I must have these animals. Will you sell them to me?' he asks. The man shakes his head: no. 'Will you sell just one then?' asks the bartender. 'OK, I'll sell you the parrot for £100,' the man says. The landlord is delighted and hands over the money. Another man standing next to the man who owned the hamster says: 'You're a bit stupid selling that clever parrot for only £100.' 'No I'm not,' the man replies. 'The hamster is a ventriloquist'. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 14 Jan 23 - 10:27 AM Another Barry one: A man is in the front room and his wife is in the kitchen. She says: ‘Smoked salmon or chicken?’ And he says: ‘Oh, love, smoked salmon.’ She says, ‘You’re having soup, Fatty. I was talking to the cat.’ |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Bill D Date: 13 Jan 23 - 12:37 PM After London's "Great" Britain Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out and celebrate. The guy from Corona sits down and sez, 'Hey Senor, I would like the world's bestest brew-- a Corona pleeeze' --The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and geeves it to heem. The guy from Budweiser says, 'I'd like what's really the best brew in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers'-- throw me Bud, Buddy.'--The bartender grits his teeth and lobs him a cold one. The guy from Coors, having shaken the the Union rabble from his entourage says, "I'd like the only Right-to-Work beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water! Toss me some Colorado joy!!."--And he gets it! The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Ahm... I'll just have a Coke-- Classic, please..." The bartender, a bit taken aback, gives him a bottle of the best cola ever. The other brewery presidents, startled at that order, mutter, almost in unison: "Ya'rn't drinking a Guinness?!?' "Well, I fig'r'ed if ya Lad's aren't drinking beer, needer wu'd I...' |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Bill D Date: 13 Jan 23 - 12:28 PM A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to a barstool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde, and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb. blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weight lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde, and she's a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?" The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 13 Jan 23 - 12:10 PM We went to one of Humph's jazz concerts, as it happened just six weeks before he died. He was in great form. I'm not a jazz fan but we took my father-in-law for his birthday treat. In between pieces he did plenty of the old banter. At one stage he told us that Barry Cryer had once asked him if he'd ever shoed a horse. He replied that no he hadn't, but he'd once told a pig to piss off... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Bill D Date: 13 Jan 23 - 12:06 PM There was this well to do old farmer who managed to snare himself a pretty young wife. He was a likable sort, and folks just shrugged. They knew she sort of expected to inherit a nice farm in a few years, but he knew what he wanted. So, one day he was in town for his annual checkup, and told the doc he had a serious question. "Doc, you know I ain't as young as I usta be, and them romantic feelings..*wink, wink* are a bit scarcer than they were 30 years ago...Now, when I'm plowing down in the south 40, sometimes I get the urge...but by the time I get back up to the house, I'm so tired it's gone again. You got any ideas?" "Hmmmm, John", says the doc, "you know, your place is pretty isolated. Why don't you just take a blanket and your shotgun with you on the tractor, then when you feel in the mood, you can fire off the gun as a signal to Sally to come down to YOU!...She's a bit younger" "Well, durn Doc, that's a fine idea! I'll try it!" So....several months later, the doctor meets old John on the street, and can't resist asking..."Hey, John, how did that idea work out...about taking the blanket and shotgun down with you during plowing?" "Waaal, you know, Doc....that worked pretty damn good...for about 2-3 weeks....then huntin' season started, and I ain't seen her since!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 13 Jan 23 - 11:54 AM Heheh! We went to one of his one-man shows a few years ago (except that he had Colin Sell with him!), and every time I read one of his jokes I hear it in my head with his voice telling it. That's wonderful! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Geoff Wallis Date: 13 Jan 23 - 11:15 AM Here's a Cryer classic. Walking down the high street one day a woman spots a sign in the local pet shop: 'Talking parrot, only £5 (cage included)'. Intrigued, she enters the store and asks the proprietor why it's priced so cheaply. "Well, I must confess, it was brought up in a brothel," says the shopkeeper. "And, to put it politely, it has quite an extensive vocabulary." "Never mind," says the woman. "At that price, I'll take it." So she takes the parrot home, puts its cage in the living room and takes the cover off. "New place - very nice," says the parrot. Then the woman's two daughters walk in. "New place, new girls - very nice," says the parrot. Then the woman's husband walks in, and the parrot says, "Oh hello, Keith!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 13 Jan 23 - 09:27 AM One more Barry one: Picasso was burgled and did a drawing of the robbers. Police arrested a horse and two sardines. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Georgiansilver Date: 13 Jan 23 - 08:50 AM I went to the doctor recently and told him 'I want my sex drive lowering'.. He laughed and said 'At your age it's all in your head'... I replied, 'That's what I mean...I want it lowering!! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 13 Jan 23 - 08:35 AM A Frankie Howerd one. When I was a student in London my landlady was Elizabeth Larner, who played Ammonia in Frankie Howerd's Roman sitcom (Up Pompeii). One evening, Frankie was their dinner guest, and we students were under strict orders not to venture out of our rooms to try to glimpse him! We heard quite a bit of uproarious laugher from downstairs... To the joke... An 82 year old man goes to his doctor. 'I want a complete physical examination. I'm about to get married,' says the old man. 'How old are you?' the doctor asks. 'I'm 82 and she's 24. I want a complete examination to make sure everything's working properly,' says the old man. The Doctor said, '24! Well, I'll do the examination. But it might be better if you also got a young lodger. You know, company for your wife.' 'Yes, yes, what a good idea,' says the old man. The doctor meets him again a few months later. 'Did you get married?' asks the doctor. 'How's your young bride?' 'She's pregnant,' says the old man proudly. 'And, erm, how's the lodger?' says the doctor nervously. 'She's pregnant, too,' says the old man. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 13 Jan 23 - 08:22 AM Another Barry one: A wife is in the bathroom trying on a new dress. She comes out and says to her husband: ‘Does my bum look big in this?’ He says: ‘Oh be fair, love, it’s quite a small bathroom’. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 13 Jan 23 - 07:59 AM Ha - Slight laugh Ha Ha - Good laugh Ha Ha Ha - Sarcastic laugh Ha Ha Ha Ha - Stayin' alive, stayin' alive |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 13 Jan 23 - 06:53 AM That Bill joke reminds me of a Barry Cryer classic: A man ran over a cockerel with his car and went to a nearby farmhouse to see how he can help. A woman opens the door and he says: “I appear to have killed your cockerel. I’d like to replace him.’ She replies: “Please yourself, the hens are round the back’.” |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: HuwG Date: 13 Jan 23 - 04:25 AM To err is human ... To arr is piracy. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Bill D Date: 12 Jan 23 - 01:34 PM A farmer's son took a young lady out behind the barn, hoping to get romantic. A cow and a calf were out in the field, huddled together and nuzzling each other. "Oh, look there," he said, "Isn't that nice... that's what I'd like to be doing!" "Oh, go right ahead," she said, "they're your cows." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Donuel Date: 12 Jan 23 - 01:21 PM After Covid it seems everyone forgot this sexually transmitted disease with 100% mortality rate Its called Life Customer: "Alcoholism is a disease." Bartender: "You can get your shots here." My dad handed down to me a hereditary disease that causes diarrhea all the time. It runs in the genes. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Bob Hitchcock Date: 11 Jan 23 - 09:43 PM Two cows were standing in a field when one said to the other "what do you think about this mad cow disease that's going around?" the other one said "why should I care, I'm a duck" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 11 Jan 23 - 04:41 PM I just passed a one legged man stood at the cash machine He was checking his balance |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 11 Jan 23 - 11:53 AM What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? "Arrrr, matey!" I'll get me coat... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Mrrzy Date: 10 Jan 23 - 09:20 PM Male pattern bonding... he's just not that into you |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Bill D Date: 10 Jan 23 - 07:00 PM A woman was nursing her baby at a party when she felt it was time to change sides, and lifted the baby's head... who immediately began to cry. "Oh, what's wrong?, asked a friend, "He was so quiet & happy till just now." The mother grinned..: "Short term mammary loss." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 10 Jan 23 - 05:31 PM A dyslexic boy is in the car with his mum going home from school. “Can we go to McDonald’s, mum? I’m hungry!" “Well, if you can spell McDonald’s, we’ll stop on the way home..." He starts to try: “M…C...er..." but he's struggling. Eventually he says, "Forget it, mum, let's just have a KCF." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Donuel Date: 10 Jan 23 - 10:00 AM Montgomery County saved thousands of dollars in special education by deciding dyslexia does not exist. Like wise Turkey's government science advisors saved millions in Earthquake preparedness by deciding to move the earthquake fault. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Bob Hitchcock Date: 10 Jan 23 - 08:44 AM If life is giving you melons, you might be dyslexic. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Mrrzy Date: 10 Jan 23 - 08:11 AM I am CDO. That is OCD but with the letters in their proper order. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Donuel Date: 10 Jan 23 - 06:30 AM An elderly man has been released from the hospital to spend his final days at home with his beloved wife. He's lying in bed when he smells the aroma of his favorite home made cookies. Despite his frail condition, he manages to get out of bed and make his way to the kitchen. Seeing a plate of freshly baked cookies, he reaches out a trembling hand to get one when his wife smacks him on the wrist with a spatula, saying "Put that back! Those are for the funeral." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Donuel Date: 10 Jan 23 - 06:18 AM Legible NHS doctor's notes; 1. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities. 2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. 3. On the second day, the knee was better, and then on the third day it disappeared. 4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed. 5. Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission. 6. Healthy-appearing decrepit, 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful. 7. The patient refused autopsy. 8. The patient has no previous history of suicides. 9. Patient’s medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the last three days. 10. She is numb from her toes down. 11. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches. 12. Skin: somewhat pale but present. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 10 Jan 23 - 04:42 AM Lysdexia lures KO! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 10 Jan 23 - 04:15 AM Old McDonald was dyslexic OIEIE |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Mrrzy Date: 09 Jan 23 - 09:50 PM Dyslexics of the world, untie! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Bob Hitchcock Date: 09 Jan 23 - 09:10 PM A man with dyslexia walked into a bra. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 09 Jan 23 - 07:44 PM What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two... I married a tennis player, but we soon divorced. It was clear that, to her, love meant nothing. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 09 Jan 23 - 04:07 PM ...And the punchline is...? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Donuel Date: 09 Jan 23 - 11:43 AM As a kid when the doorbell rang we smiled and cheered "it's company". Now when there is a knock we say "who the fuck is that" to our dismay As a kid we saw at the carnival the big and fat tattooed man or lady. Now almost everyone at the Mall looks fat tattooed and lazy. As a kid Getty was dead but there were still Vanderbilts and Rockefellers. Now since they don't pay taxes a billionaire might be any random fellow. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: MaJoC the Filk Date: 09 Jan 23 - 10:07 AM As it seems to yield dischuff or distress (or misidentification), I'll try to limit further low-contrasting to slow-release punchlines. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: gillymor Date: 09 Jan 23 - 09:05 AM That was me adding an abbreviated F-bomb for emphasis, Don is such a funny guy. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 09 Jan 23 - 08:51 AM Have you got more than one arse, gilly? :-) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: gillymor Date: 09 Jan 23 - 08:38 AM Stop, you're killing me, sides are splitting, coffee spewing from both nostrils, ROTFLMFASO! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Donuel Date: 09 Jan 23 - 08:00 AM A quick and easy espionage tool used to be to use an image background and put a text layer in its most pale setting then the receiver of the image would open the image in photoshop and go to maximum contrast. By a similar process, you can also make subliminal messages. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 09 Jan 23 - 07:51 AM Worked for me but it was white on a blue background. Device or browser dependant maybe? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 09 Jan 23 - 07:18 AM That didn't work, Doug... Who's that other fellow that does that? Gargoyle? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Doug Chadwick Date: 09 Jan 23 - 07:12 AM pale yellow and tiny on a white background Select the text, as if you were going to copy it, and it becomes black on a blue background. DC |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 09 Jan 23 - 06:41 AM God, man, pale yellow and tiny on a white background. Some of us struggle even with reading glasses, you know! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: MaJoC the Filk Date: 09 Jan 23 - 06:21 AM Fresh off the press: Maia Gulpa: the old woman who swallowed a fly. I'll go finish getting the washing muddy while hanging it up to dry .... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 07 Jan 23 - 06:28 PM One of the grimmest gravestone inscriptions I know of is the one on the grave of Jim (whose surname I forget) who was the landlord of the Bush Inn in Morwenstow, Cornwall. The grave is in the Morwenstow churchyard. It reads: Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead (from a poem by WH Auden) Jim died some time in the 1990s. We knew him and his partner Beryl quite well. A more severe pair of sourpusses you've never met. One summer's evening Mrs Steve and I drove to the pub, looking forward to a pleasant bar meal, which the pub was noted for. When we arrived, we found all the doors locked and Jim strolling around outside. To my polite enquiry as to the prospect of our obtaining a drink and a meal, he told me that he wasn't opening. He didn't feel like it. He couldn't be bothered. Tails between legs, we made our way home, stopping at the chippy in Kilkhampton. Seems that the tone of his epitaph was in keeping with his character... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: MaJoC the Filk Date: 07 Jan 23 - 05:45 PM > "I told you I was ill!" Spike Milligan's tombstone, at his own request, bore "I told them I was ill". They had to translate it into (I *think*) Gaelic to sneak it past the Church Commissioners. Thinking of which: I once saw the following on a church entrance (in Norfolk iirc), with a note that this also was at the instigator's request:
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