BS: Joke thread for 2023

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 01 Mar 23 - 04:41 PM

If it rains cats and dogs be careful you don't stand in a poodle

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 01 Mar 23 - 03:59 PM

"I bet you don't know a word that uses all the vowels including y."

Simple challenges such as this positively invite me to deal with you facetiously.

Now tell us a bloody joke fer chrissake.

The hold of a plane carrying a cargo of Japanese car parts suddenly burst open. On the ground it was raining Datsun cogs.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 01 Mar 23 - 01:38 PM

If you correct my English, I will think fewer of you.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 01 Mar 23 - 10:21 AM

Steve's words and punctuation end up in court for sentencing.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 01 Mar 23 - 10:09 AM

his dog has no nose...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 01 Mar 23 - 10:01 AM

I read and write and it is neither inscrutable or obscurant as you claim.
I bet you don't know a word that uses all the vowels including y.
I unquestionably do.

When the past present and future walked into a bar it was tense.

You don't know the no-nos from the nose on your face.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 01 Mar 23 - 09:54 AM

You remind me of the exchange between Basil Fawlty and the American, Mr Hamilton, in the Waldorf Salad episode:

Mr. Hamilton : "You're gonna stay here, nice and quiet, while these people say whether or not they're satisfied. And you move off that spot, Fawlty, I'm gonna bust your ASS!"

Basil Fawlty, muttering: "Everything's bottoms, isn't it?"

Of course, that was nationalities in reserve...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 01 Mar 23 - 09:41 AM

Oh, I can do all sorts. Just read the thread, Mr Sourpuss!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 01 Mar 23 - 09:24 AM

surely you can do better than scatological 'humor'.
maybe you can't

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 01 Mar 23 - 08:42 AM

Do refer to the thread title.



A lady walks into a BMW dealership. She browses around, spots the top-of-the-line beamer and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to feel the fine leather upholstery, she inadvertently breaks wind. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed. But as she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady, "Good day, madam. How may we help you today?" Trying her best to be nonchalant, she asks, "How much does this lovely car cost?" He answers, "Madam, if you farted just by touching it, you are going to shit yourself when I tell you the price..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 01 Mar 23 - 08:09 AM

Not your typical bar joke but rather like fission chips for lunch.
BOOM

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 01 Mar 23 - 07:52 AM

A man at a bar tells the bartender, "I'll have some H2O"

The man next to him says, "I'll have some H2O too"

He dies.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 01 Mar 23 - 07:41 AM

Some villagers were heard to complain
That chemists had poisoned their brains.
The cause of their sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
diphenyl-trichloroethane.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 01 Mar 23 - 07:35 AM

A statistician gave birth to twins but only had one of them baptized. She kept the other as a control.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 01 Mar 23 - 07:24 AM

lol

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 01 Mar 23 - 07:11 AM

A new monk shows up at a monastery where the monks spend their time making copies of ancient books. The new monk goes to the basement of the monastery saying he wants to make copies of the originals rather than of others' copies so as to avoid duplicating errors they might have made. Several hours later the monks, wondering where their new friend is, find him crying in the basement. They ask him what is wrong and he says "the word is CELEBRATE, not CELIBATE!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 27 Feb 23 - 10:48 AM

Not a joke but funny:

Art as modern memes...

Blicky.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bob Hitchcock
Date: 27 Feb 23 - 09:12 AM

Hey Bill D, that last one reminded me of same 2 fellows who decided to go ice fishing.
They found some ice and cut a good size hole then dropped their lines in. After about 10 minutes they hear a booming voice from above say "There are no fish under the ice! They look around and cannot see anyone so they keep on fishing. Another 10 minutes later and they hear the booming voice again say "I said, there are no fish under the ice!" still seeing nobody around one of them jumped up and shouted "Who is that, God" the same voice replies "No, this is the rink manager".

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 25 Feb 23 - 06:38 AM

Billy Connolly's three pieces of advice for men upon turning 60:

Never miss an opportunity to have a pee

Never trust a fart

Never waste an erection (even if you're on your own)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bill D
Date: 24 Feb 23 - 12:42 PM

Joke from a number of years ago:

Two rednecks (American lower class..mostly from the South) have been going duck hunting and not having much luck.
They were complaining in town, and a guy they knew from the other side of the valley said,
"Your problem is, you're trusting to your own cleverness. You need help. I have dogs which make things a lot easier."

Well, they beg and plead, and the guy finally agrees to loan them a couple of HIS dogs for a week.

   So they take the dogs with them for several days, but still aren't having any luck.

"I don't understand," says one, "Charlie swore that we'd get all the ducks we want."

"I don't get it either," says the other,"Maybe we ain't throwing the dogs high enough,"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 24 Feb 23 - 02:29 AM

Mon - Greg
Tue - Ian
Wed - Greg
Thu - Ian
Fri - Greg
Sat - Ian
Sun - Greg

The Gregorian calender

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 19 Feb 23 - 01:09 PM

Actually a blacksmith Steve. ~Kick it up the arse and it will make a bolt for the door.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 19 Feb 23 - 05:55 AM

A dog walks into a job centre and asks for a job.

"Wow, a talking dog!" says the clerk, "With your talent I’m sure we can find you a gig at the circus!"

"The circus?" says the dog, "What would a circus want with a plumber?"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Feb 23 - 07:06 PM

Two dog owners are arguing about whose pet is smarter.

“My dog is so smart,” says the first owner, “that every morning he goes to the store and buys me a sesame seed bagel with chive cream cheese, stops off at Starbucks and picks me up a mocha latte, and then comes home and turns on ESPN, all before I get out of bed!"

“I know,” says the second owner.

“How do you know?” the first demands.

“My dog told me.”

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 18 Feb 23 - 03:12 PM

Dof=dog if you hadn't guessed

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 18 Feb 23 - 01:39 PM

My favourite Oldham Tinkers line

We called our dof Grieg. All he could do were pee agin t'suite

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Feb 23 - 07:59 AM

I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs."

A few decades ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Hope, no Cash and no Jobs. Please don’t let Kevin Bacon die...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 18 Feb 23 - 04:45 AM

A man is coming home from the pub, late one evening, when he comes upon a road accident right outside his house. A car has hit a motorcyclist. The driver is trapped in his car and the rider is lying on the ground covered in blood, his moped on it's side in the middle of the road.

A crowd has gathered round but he pushes forward, shouting "Let me through! Let me through!".

"Are you a paramedic?" asks one of the crowd.

"No" replied the man. "It's my pizza".

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bill D
Date: 17 Feb 23 - 06:46 PM

later... same group

Another man comes up and says: "Mind if I say a word too?" She says: "Please do." The man clears his throat and says: "Bargain." The widow replies: "Thanks, that means a great deal."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bill D
Date: 17 Feb 23 - 06:29 PM

A woman is at her husband's funeral where friends take turns saying nice
things about the deceased.

One man steps to the front and says "Plethora" into the mic and then
sits down next to the widow.

She leans over to him and whispers,

"Thank you so much! That means a lot."

(stolen from a Google Group where it got several groans)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Vincent Jones
Date: 17 Feb 23 - 06:12 PM

Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.

Terribly sorry, sir, but the chef used to be a tailor.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 15 Feb 23 - 10:56 PM

I am reminded of how to tell how long someone had been In Country...

They get a drink.

... if a few days... They send the drink back if it has a fly in it.

...if a few weeks... they fish out the fly and drink the drink.

...if a few months... they drink the drink, fly and all.

...if a few years... Hey! Waiter! Where's my fly?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 15 Feb 23 - 08:26 AM

The boss of the local paint company died of hypothermia in the Arctic. All agreed that he should have had a second coat!

I once worked for a thesaurus company, but then I was sacked, fired, booted out, let go, made redundant, laid off, dismissed, discharged…

When my ex wife told me I should stop behaving like a flamingo….. I
really put my foot down!

The problem with Political jokes is they sometimes get elected.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 14 Feb 23 - 12:47 PM

Couple of lighter moments from "The last of us"

It doesn’t matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationary.


I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went, then it dawned on me.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 14 Feb 23 - 12:21 PM

You buggers can joke about this, but, and I kid you not, I've just returned a beautiful (unopened) bottle of Spanish white wine to Morrisons because it had a fly floating in it! The odd thing is that I had to return a bottle of the self-same wine just a few weeks ago because it had a beautiful lacewing floating in it! The lady at the kiosk told me that I'd have to pay extra for these bonus bugs in future...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 14 Feb 23 - 10:20 AM

Waiter waiter there's a soup in my fly

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 14 Feb 23 - 09:37 AM

My wife wants to publish a cookbook that teaches people how to prepare nutritious and tasty meals using the kinds of meager rations that are available in the aftermath of a hurricane/earthquake/flood/etc.
I told her it sounds like a recipe for disaster.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Joe_F
Date: 13 Feb 23 - 09:46 PM

"Waiter! Come and taste this soup."
"Where's the spoon?"
"A-*ha*!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MudGuard
Date: 13 Feb 23 - 04:21 PM

That's a joke, isn't it? ;-)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 13 Feb 23 - 02:05 PM

I hate to tell you this, but I got that from a joke website! :-)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MudGuard
Date: 13 Feb 23 - 01:54 PM

Steve, do you have the address of that house?

I know of the house in Hohenzollern Street, where Heisenberg spent his youth - there is a sign at the house, but it only mentions that he spent his youth there. Not the thing about maybe having slept there.

See Munich history site

But I don't know a house with a sign that he may have slept there (or not).

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 12 Feb 23 - 07:32 PM

There's a blue plaque on the wall of a house in Munich that reads:

"Heisenberg may or may not have slept here."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 12 Feb 23 - 07:10 PM

A mathematician was scolding his naughty children:

"If I’ve told you n times, I’ve told you n+1 times…”

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 12 Feb 23 - 07:02 PM

Whenever I need a filling, I always refuse the anaesthetic injection (absolutely true!), in other words, I transcend dental medication...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Manitas_at_home
Date: 12 Feb 23 - 06:02 PM

I had to think about that for a little while !

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bill D
Date: 12 Feb 23 - 03:54 PM

A guy goes into a restaurant and finds rabbit stew on the menu. He orders it and soon finds it 'odd'. He call the waiter and asks,

"Are you sure this is rabbit stew? It tastes odd."

"Well sir, I must confess, the chef has mixed it with some horse meat.

"Horse meat? No wonder... but I can't taste any rabbit. How much horse meat?"

"Ummm.. about 50/50, sir."

"I should still be able to taste SOME rabbit. Are you sure about those percentages?"

"Yes sir...half a horse to half a rabbit."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 12 Feb 23 - 02:47 PM

?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 11 Feb 23 - 09:11 AM

At least it wasn't for a tow-headed child.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 11 Feb 23 - 07:15 AM

Steve... whenever I go to my dentist, she always looks down in the mouth.

Yesterday I found myself behind an ambulance. Oddly, I noticed a small metal box sitting on the back bumper. When the ambulance turned the corner, the box flew off and landed on the curb. I thought it's time to be a good Samaritan so I retrieved it. When I opened it, there was a human toe packed in ice. Oops, that's a serious mistake I thought, so I called the local Hospital and they said 'yes, the ambulance had arrived minus the box'. I gave them my location and asked if they were going to send another ambulance to collect it?
The lady replied "No, we'll just send a tow truck."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 10 Feb 23 - 08:25 PM

An old one but good enough to repeat (I hope...)

A man was standing in the dock. The prosecutor read out the charge, that he'd assaulted his wife over her head with his guitar.

The judge peered at the bloke over his specs and said to him, "First offender?"

"No, your honour, first a Les Paul then a Fender..."