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BS: Joke thread for 2023
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 22 Mar 23 - 07:19 PM A Yorkshireman is distraught at the death of his beloved dog. He goes to a goldsmith and asks, "If I show thee a photo, canst tha mek us a gold statue of me dog?" Jeweller: "Yes, I think that would be OK. Do you want it 18 carat?" Yorkshireman: "Nah, I want it chewin' a bone, yer daft bugger!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 22 Mar 23 - 07:10 PM Aye, cracking Yorkshire one. Reminds me of the Yorkshireman who went to the vet about his cat. "Canst tek a look at me cat, vetnery? 'E's not bin that good lately..." "Certainly sir. Is your cat a tom?" "Nay, yer daft bugger. Can't tha see that I've browt it wi' me?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 22 Mar 23 - 06:59 PM Reminds me of the monumental Mason who misspelled "She was Thine" as "She was Thin". When her bereaved family complained that it should have an "E" he re-carved it E She was Thin |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 22 Mar 23 - 04:39 PM I got it first time, Dave! Glad you didn't put an accidental s on the end though... ;-) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 22 Mar 23 - 03:21 PM The first one's eyes were both the same size :-D |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 22 Mar 23 - 03:19 PM It would have helped spelling Iain correctly! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 22 Mar 23 - 03:06 PM My friend iain has one eye bigger than the other |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 21 Mar 23 - 09:47 PM I am Steve, Stephen to some, and I frequently speak of my wife, Mrs Steve. You are Donuel "X" (or possibly not "Donuel" at all?), so how would I know whether you are a boy/girl/other gender? Some on here I know because of their name, others I've teased out one way or another down the years. A few I know not and I don't care to poke around to find out. Let me know if you like but no pressure. It's entirely in your hands. And worry not, for after all, shall there be womanly times or shall we die? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Donuel Date: 21 Mar 23 - 08:26 PM Do you mock me sir, and question my sexuality? I will not be mocked. an American blast from the past. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 21 Mar 23 - 07:57 PM These may have come up before. Three Tim Vine specials: I asked my gym instructor if he could teach me to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays..." Uncle Ben has died. No more Mr Rice Guy. A one-armed waiter - he could dish it out but he couldn't take it... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 21 Mar 23 - 07:38 PM Can't do that, Dave, because all my jokes are nicked. Unlike Donuel, I'm not clever enough to make up my own. (That was a joke, by the way!) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 21 Mar 23 - 07:03 PM Sorry about the missing capitals, MudGuard! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 21 Mar 23 - 05:16 PM We just don't want to encourage you to leave us for the comedy circuit Steve |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 21 Mar 23 - 05:01 PM I have an immovable golden rule, mudguard. I never, repeat never, post anything that makes me tense or miserable. Donuel is a strange and inadequate man (at least I think he's a man, but you never know these days) who loves to troll, but I'm impenetrable. He is not, unfortunately. Must be those early-day mushrooms of his. If you're not as entertained by our back-and-forths as I am, then I can only repeat what I said this morning to BWM: you have choices! And this IS a joke thread... I get told off for shouting quietly at people with their non-jokes, but I never get praised for my jokes. Ho hum. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 21 Mar 23 - 04:42 PM Pavlova's dog. Every time you ring a bell it eats a raspberry meringue Mudguard, I'm not going to get into an argument but you need to go right back to the start of the thread. Who started it, what was the intention and who first crapped on it!?! I know there are differences in senses of humour but some of the 'jokes' are simply not jokes at all :-( If people simply stuck to the idea there would not be a problem. BTW. I just got a refund for my broken ebike so hope to order another this week. Not a joke in itself but reminded me... Lad goes into a shop and asks for a bar of green soap. Sorry son, the shopkeeper says, we only have red soap. It's OK says the lad. I'm on my bike. Good example of a joke that I found hilarious as a youngster. Still raises a chuckle. I suspect Steve will get it but others may not! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Donuel Date: 21 Mar 23 - 04:13 PM Its all about high school all the time or a masculinity challenge. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: MudGuard Date: 21 Mar 23 - 04:03 PM Steve, are you a victim of Iwan Pawlow? Just thought so ... Whenever Btw, I find the private war between Steve and Donuel rather boring ... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 21 Mar 23 - 10:27 AM I'm not sure that telling someone they belong in Broadmore [sic] is "good fun." Doubtless you will, as ever, pretend that we don't understand your sense of humour. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Donuel Date: 21 Mar 23 - 10:21 AM Its all in good fun except Steve is a bad PUN ...poor unfortunate nut. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: gillymor Date: 21 Mar 23 - 09:14 AM ouch! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Donuel Date: 21 Mar 23 - 08:49 AM You belong in Broadmore. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: gillymor Date: 21 Mar 23 - 07:29 AM I guess he doesn't get enough attention in other threads so he has to troll this one. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 21 Mar 23 - 07:21 AM Not only does he not know what a joke is, he's also suspected of not being able to read short words in thread titles. Poor sausage. A bloke is a mad-keen cyclist and he goes out every Saturday morning without fail for a 50-mile ride. One Saturday morning he creeps out of bed so as not to wake his missus and gets geared up, but when he opens the back door to get his bike out he sees a driving blizzard, a howling gale and three-foot snowdrifts. Normally, this doesn't faze him and he'd go anyway, but this morning he's feeling his age a bit, so, just for once, he changes his mind, takes off his cycling gear and creeps back into bed. He starts to feel a bit amorous so he starts caressing and cuddling his missus. She responds appreciatively and says to him sleepily, "Can you believe that my husband would go out on his bike in this crap..." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: gillymor Date: 21 Mar 23 - 07:08 AM Looks like you got the wrong thread, homey. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Donuel Date: 21 Mar 23 - 07:02 AM Let's say goodbye with a smile, dear Just for a while dear we must part Don't let this parting upset you I'll not forget you, sweetheart We'll meet again at Broadmore or Berwyn But I know We'll meet again one sunny day. Keep smiling through Just like you always do 'Til the blue skies chase those dark clouds far away And I will just say hello To the folks that you know Tell them you won't be long They'll be happy to know That as I saw you go You were singing this song We'll meet again at Broadmore or Berwyn But I know We'll meet again one sunny day. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 19 Mar 23 - 02:18 PM I lacked confidence in myself so I rang the doctor, but all I got was this recorded message: "If you have low self-esteem, keep waiting, as all our operators are currently helping patients who are far more important than you." My wife kept insisting that I stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Donuel Date: 19 Mar 23 - 01:22 PM I always liked that one despite its aroma of phosphine. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 19 Mar 23 - 07:22 AM What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 19 Mar 23 - 07:20 AM Thinking about this, I actually love stupid and childish jokes. When I'm sharing 'em with my seven-year-old grandson they sort of let us into a secret silly world for a minute or two. And they bear repetition! Why can't you hear a pterodactyl in the toilet? Because it has a silent pee! What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married? Feyoncè! What did one wall say to the other? "I'll meet you at the corner!" And our latest favourite, ludicrously stupid but endlessly giggleiferous: Why did the boy fall off his bike? Because his mum threw a refrigerator at him... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Donuel Date: 18 Mar 23 - 10:56 AM If a clock gets hungry it goes back four seconds. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 18 Mar 23 - 09:09 AM Are you jealous because you don't know what a joke is? We can help you if you ask nicely... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Donuel Date: 18 Mar 23 - 09:02 AM This is no joke but if it were, it is on us. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Donuel Date: 18 Mar 23 - 08:55 AM In his post Trump blames a Jew George Soros for his impending arrest. I blame his one of the four times the Capitol was attacked. First by the British then the Civil War, 9-11 and Jan. 6th. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Donuel Date: 18 Mar 23 - 08:34 AM If hemorrhoids could talk they would sound like 'narciscysts'. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 18 Mar 23 - 08:10 AM Well of course I'm only guessing, but I suspect that your very silly post puts you out of kilter with just about everyone who reads this thread (though I also suspect that THIS post may tempt the more po-faced among us to come temporarily out of hiding...) Were you over-protected as a child or is it some kind of strict Baptist thing...? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Donuel Date: 18 Mar 23 - 06:49 AM Now I see why your beloved stupid and childish jokes are your only definition of a joke, Perhaps you have heard "It's not all about you". The Aristocrats joke is the epitome of stupid childish jokes. I'll trade you two words and one finger for your stupid and childish jokes. In reality there really are some species of sharks that have two willies but I'm pretty sure they would happily trade one willie for an arm and hand. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 18 Mar 23 - 05:54 AM Bloke sidled up to me at the bar and said to me confidentially, "Hey mate, between you and me we've got five bollocks." "Really?" said I, "So you've only got the one...?" Hear about the bloke with five willies? His underpants fit him like a glove... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 17 Mar 23 - 05:04 PM Just shows how much notice I take! I really shouldn't try to multitask :-) While I was at it though I found out that irony could also be an element between manganesey and cobalty |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 17 Mar 23 - 04:48 PM That was Naga, not Reeta, Dave! I absolutely love stupid and childish jokes, much to Mrs Steve's chagrin... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 17 Mar 23 - 04:45 PM B*Witched are still stunners too. But is it folk? Joke! Joke! Honest :-D C'est la vie... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 17 Mar 23 - 04:19 PM I hope you are watching Red Nose Day. The serious people telling jokes was hilarious I liked Reeta Chakrabarti's I went to the zoo and there was just one dog there. It was a Shih Tzu |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 17 Mar 23 - 04:05 PM I always thought that irony meant a bit like iron... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Georgiansilver Date: 17 Mar 23 - 01:54 PM This is an oldie...... A flea was living in Omar Sharifs moustache. One day it phoned the head flea complaining of too much rich food and drink. The head flea suggested it moved to Raquel Welchs' pubic hair which it happily did. The following morning it again phoned the head flea to say 'I don't know how his has happened, but I am back in Omar Sharifs' moustache' |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 17 Mar 23 - 01:43 PM It's ironic that the bloke who accuses you and I, Steve, of making fun of those who are differently abled can make jokes about lepers! Anyroads, as it probably needs explaining What is irony? One of them things you use to smooth out creasy clotheys |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 17 Mar 23 - 01:22 PM Not funny. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Mrrzy Date: 17 Mar 23 - 10:05 AM Leper cons! Bwahaha! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 17 Mar 23 - 07:18 AM This is a joke thread. Bloke walked into a pub and ordered ten shots of whisky and a pint. The barman served up the whiskies, but during the short time he'd turned away to pull the pint the bloke had already downed all ten shots of whisky. "Blimey, that was quick!" said the barman. "Ah, you'd be drinking quickly if you had what I've got." "Oh dear. What is it you've got?" asked the barman. "50p." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Donuel Date: 17 Mar 23 - 06:41 AM What's green and falls apart? Leper cons. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Donuel Date: 17 Mar 23 - 06:17 AM Who is Irish and stays out ALL night? Patty O'Furniture. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Doug Chadwick Date: 14 Mar 23 - 11:56 AM It wasn't your contribution that I was commenting on, Raggy. Yours was obviously a mis-post. DC |
