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BS: Joke thread for 2023
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 23 Jan 23 - 05:35 PM A slightly rude googled one: A woman had a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends £10,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the chap, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”. ’About 32,’ is the reply. ‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’ Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a sweet shop on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to buy some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question. The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’ Again she proudly replies, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’ While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then I'll be able to tell you exactly how old you are.’ They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’ He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay.....How old am I?’ He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’ Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’ ‘I was behind you at McDonalds’. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 23 Jan 23 - 03:15 PM The lad serving us at the fast food takeaway on Saturday insisted that he was from Tolkein's Middle Earth Yea. There's a guy works down the chip shop swears he's Elvish |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 23 Jan 23 - 11:48 AM And why don't you start (yet another) new thread? It could be entitled "Donuel's thread of non-googled jokes". Go on, give us a laugh! (Oh, the irony...) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 23 Jan 23 - 11:45 AM I'll risk even lower esteem by informing you that that isn't a joke. Here's a proper joke, another Tim one: "My Christmas decorations are all inflatable. I’m forever blowing baubles.” |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Donuel Date: 23 Jan 23 - 10:24 AM Do you mean Steve suffers from low self-esteem? Steve quotes: Not a joke. Not funny. You haven't a clue, have you. Ps., Donuel: It's a joke thread. You have not got a single joke in your bones. Why don't you google? Idiot. Then I will repeat my originals. But I won't google...Momma, why is my sister such smartie pants? Well dear, On the sixth day, God put Adam into a coma and took his rib bone marrow out to fashion woman...already exhausted from all that creating he really needed a break, and on the seventh day he rested. He never created again except for disasters and floods. Able asked God "could you clear up some of your mistakes like the platypus and other things like a woman being smarter..." That was the last we ever heard from Able. When Eve hungrily ate from the tree of knowledge she became vastly smarter than Adam. Timmy's mom said, "That's why girls are smarter than boys". Timmy said I never knew that. Mom said "Exactly" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 23 Jan 23 - 10:01 AM In a sense, nearly all jokes are repeats after a fashion. Genuine joke-inventors are rare beasts, so we have to resort to mass-borrowings. Unfortunately, not only can Donuel not invent jokes (like the rest of us I suppose, though most of us, unlike him, have the sense not to try), he doesn't know what a joke is. Dictionaries are available. Here's another of my oft-repeated Tim Vine ones: I was on the Big Dipper on Blackpool Pleasure Beach. Half the time I was laughing my head off and half the time I was in floods of tears. It was an emotional roller-coaster... Another thing that I like about jokes is that they gradually change in the telling down the years. They undergo a joke folk-process! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Georgiansilver Date: 23 Jan 23 - 09:54 AM The Police have recently found a large number of dead crows on Route 66.. An animal Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows and confirmed that the cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.?By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorcycles, while only 2% were killed by cars.?The investigators then called an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.?They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Georgiansilver Date: 23 Jan 23 - 09:51 AM Admonishing others is also a symptom....usually one of low self esteem. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Donuel Date: 23 Jan 23 - 08:47 AM All these are repeats. Repeating yourself is a symptom, you do need a check-up. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 23 Jan 23 - 08:19 AM Just off to the supermarket. I have my Chopin Liszt. I'll be Bach in a fugue minuets... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: MaJoC the Filk Date: 23 Jan 23 - 07:52 AM .... and another: Notice on the door of a university Music Department: Door sticks, please wiggle Handel .... with this scrawled underneath: If I wiggle Handel, will it wiggle Bach? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: MaJoC the Filk Date: 23 Jan 23 - 07:43 AM I could have sworn I typed this one in, but clearly not in this thread: Fritz Spiegl, did a piece on Radio 3 about Jacques Offenbach, a composer with a mischievous sense of humour. He remarked that Offenbach would have been delighted at this notice, seen in the window of a music shop in Soho:
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 23 Jan 23 - 05:59 AM Two Tim Vine specials: I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said ‘Analogue?’ I said ‘No, just a watch.' I was having dinner with my boss and his wife said, ‘How many potatoes would you like, Tim?’ I said ‘Ooh, I’ll just have one please.’ She said ‘It’s OK, you don’t have to be polite.’ ‘All right,’ I said, ‘I’ll just have one then, you stupid cow.’ |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 22 Jan 23 - 07:25 PM I saw a sign on a shop door that said ‘Guide Dogs Welcome’. I walked in and was greeted by a Labrador who thanked me for shopping and took my jacket. I was at the bottom of the escalator when I saw a sign that said "Dogs must be carried." I couldn't go up because I didn't have a dog. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 22 Jan 23 - 07:20 PM I went to a record shop and asked, “Have you got anything by the Doors?” He said, “Yes, a bucket of sand, a mop and a brush..." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 22 Jan 23 - 01:59 PM "This door is alarmed." I love that! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 22 Jan 23 - 12:56 PM True story. A joke shop I Fleetwood had a hand written notice saying "Push hard. Door sticks". I went in and asked for a door stick and they just looked blank! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 22 Jan 23 - 10:42 AM Here's a bit of a rude one but we're all grown-ups (except me): An elephant met a camel. The elephant said, "Why is it you camels have your tits on your back?" The camel paused for a minute, then replied, "That's an unusual question coming from someone who has his dick on his face..." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 22 Jan 23 - 10:32 AM Not a joke. Not funny. You haven't a clue, have you. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Donuel Date: 22 Jan 23 - 10:07 AM Kaufman, Carlin, and Pryor walked into a bar. They would have killed if they hadn't died. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 22 Jan 23 - 07:58 AM A car stopped by me as I was hitch-hiking. He wound his window down and said, "What do you want?" I said, "I need a lift." He said, "Sure. You look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!" and drove off. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 22 Jan 23 - 07:55 AM I knocked on the door of the guest house. The landlady appeared at an upstairs window and shouted down to me, "What do you want?" I said, "I'd like to stay here..." She said, "Stay there then. I don't care..." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 22 Jan 23 - 05:07 AM This morning I rang the council to ask if it was okay to have a skip in the road outside my house. They said go for it, fatty, you could use the exercise |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 19 Jan 23 - 09:58 AM Someone said the other day I was too tall for a Gnome No, sez I. I shrink, therefore I am |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Rain Dog Date: 19 Jan 23 - 07:23 AM Two (or is it one?) people log onto the Last Word forum. One says to the other "whenever you post something,I shall be— and whenever I post something, there will be you." The other says to the one "No. Whenever you post something,I shall be— and whenever I post something, there will be you." And they both lived happily ever after. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 19 Jan 23 - 07:15 AM My English teacher told me I was rubbish at English, but I didn't believe her even though I'd just failed my English test for the 3th time... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 19 Jan 23 - 06:55 AM A major bank was recruiting for an in-house lawyer. The interviewer asked the young candidate, "Would you say you’re honest?” “Honest? Let me tell you something about my honesty. My dad lent me £50,000 for my university fees, and I paid back every penny straight after my first case.” "That's very impressive. What sort of case was that?” “Dad sued me for the money.” |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 19 Jan 23 - 06:44 AM A judge was reviewing the criminal history of the defendant in front of him and noticed that there was a five-year gap in which he'd committed no offences. "How is it you were able to stay out of trouble for those five years?” “I was in prison. You should know that—you were the one who sent me there.” “That’s not possible,” said the judge, "I wasn’t even a judge at the start of the five years!" “No, you weren’t the judge. You were my defence lawyer.” |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Donuel Date: 18 Jan 23 - 08:47 PM When have you known me to shy away from dangerous humor and actual events? Never. Perhaps ancient humor will be a welcomed change. ...Momma why is my sister such a smartie pants? Well dear, On the sixth day God put Adam into a coma and took his rib bone marrow out to fashion woman...already exhausted from all that creating he really needed a break and on the seventh day he rested. He never created again except for disasters and floods. Able asked God "could you clear up some of your mistakes like the platypus and other things like woman being smarter..." That was the last we ever heard from Able. When Eve hungrily ate from the tree of knowledge she became vastly smarter than Adam. Bubba's mom said "Thats why girls are smarter than boys". Bubba said I never knew that. Bubba's mom said "Exactly" btw I don't need google to spin a joke but I still prefer true stories. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 18 Jan 23 - 08:00 PM Doc: "Good news! We found a liver donor that matches your blood type!" Patient: "What could possibly be the bad news?" Doc: "It's Keith Richards..." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 18 Jan 23 - 07:28 PM You have not got a single joke in your bones. Why don't you google? Idiot. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Donuel Date: 18 Jan 23 - 06:35 PM You google your jokes. We can do that and cut out the middleman. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 18 Jan 23 - 05:35 PM Two old friends, Bill and Ben, were football fanatics and loved to play the game. Then one day Bill died, leaving Ben inconsolable. A few weeks later, Ben heard someone calling his name. He looked up. Standing on a cloud was his old pal Bill! “Ben,” Bill called down, “I have good news and bad. The good news is, there’s football in heaven!” “That's great!" said Ben, “But what's the bad news?” “You’re in the team on Sunday...” |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 18 Jan 23 - 01:31 PM You're sick in the head, aren't you? A woman arrived home and told her husband that she had good news and bad news. "So what's the good news?" He asked. "Well, your car's air bags work perfectly..." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Donuel Date: 18 Jan 23 - 01:22 PM Joe Camel eat your heart out. They now have lightweight AR15's for kids but they call them JR-15's The ads have baby skulls for girls and boys. Its a great way to reduce child abuse, look out teachers and parents. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: MaJoC the Filk Date: 18 Jan 23 - 11:27 AM Just saw this (in an article about computer-assisted writing):
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 18 Jan 23 - 11:25 AM As of now, this joke thread has been posted to 125 times. You have posted to it 21 times and just a single one of those has contained a joke. There really is something wrong with you, isn't there? A man went to the doctor with a sore throat. "I'm afraid your tonsils will have to come out." "What! At my age? I want a second opinion!" "OK. That's a lousy haircut you've got there..." I went to the fair. A fortune teller who was extremely bored and grumpy told me that I had only days to live. So I found another one, who told me in extremely angry tones that I'd live forever. Desperately, I looked around for yet another, but I couldn't find a happy medium... I'll get me coat... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Donuel Date: 18 Jan 23 - 09:42 AM Whiskey Tango Foxtrot |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 17 Jan 23 - 06:18 PM An artist had all his paintings in a gallery. One day he popped in to see how things were going. Artist: How are my paintings selling? Gallery owner: Well, there is some good news and some bad news. A man came in the other day and asked me if you were a painter whose work would become more valuable after your death. When I told him I thought you were, he bought everything you had in the gallery. Artist: Wow! That's terrific! What's the bad news? Gallery owner: He was your doctor... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Mrrzy Date: 17 Jan 23 - 07:35 AM Do you want the good news or the bad news first? Gimme the good news, doc. Ok. You have AIDS. What??? That's the good news? What's the bad news? You have Alzheimer's. ... Well, at least I don't have AIDS... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 17 Jan 23 - 06:16 AM My car's windscreen was frosted over this morning, so I tried using a supermarket loyalty card as an ice scraper. Unfortunately, I was only able to get 20% off |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 16 Jan 23 - 04:47 PM And you are being an idiot. Back down, either tell us a real joke or go off and inhabit your own multiple threads. Q. What do you call a quiet Hawaiian laugh? A. Aloha. I'll get me coat... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Donuel Date: 16 Jan 23 - 04:01 PM your police are a joke good news bad news jokes are juvenile jokes |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 16 Jan 23 - 03:32 PM And you think that belongs in a joke thread? What's the matter with you? The doc told me that he had bad news and good news. "What's the bad news, Doc?" "I'm afraid you have short-term memory loss." "Oh no! So what's the bad news?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Donuel Date: 16 Jan 23 - 03:17 PM Steve, https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-england-beds-bucks-herts-64289461 |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Vincent Jones Date: 16 Jan 23 - 02:24 PM So a bloke's at the doctors and mentions in passing that he farts a lot. "It's not really a problem, doctor, as they're silent and they don't smell," he says. The doctor gave him some pills and tells him to come back in a week. Next week he's back. "Well, doctor," he says, "I took the pills, but now my farts don't half pen and ink." "Right," says the doctor, "Now that we've sorted out your sense of smell we'll work on your hearing." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 16 Jan 23 - 11:40 AM Then there's the oft-told old chestnut (but why not...) Wife, looking at herself naked in the full-length bedroom mirror, wailing at her husband: "Oh my God! What's happened to me! Look! Belly flab, bat's wings, love handles, saggy tits, bum like a burst bag of broad beans, cellulite, varicose veins on my bandy legs... PLEASE tell me something that's good about me!" "Well, dear, you still have perfect eyesight..." Ps., Donuel: It's a joke thread. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: gillymor Date: 16 Jan 23 - 11:02 AM Wife: Do these jeans make me look fat? Husband: No dear, it's the fat that makes you look fat. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Donuel Date: 16 Jan 23 - 10:43 AM Reporter: Metropolitan policeman Rob Steele has been indicted for raping 49 women despite having 10-year-old priors. We have Police Commissioner Shawn Stevens here to respond to these charges, What actions have you taken regarding Officer Steele? Commissioner: In case he is a bad apple I have put him on desk duty. Reporter: Will you fire the entire Police Force? Commissioner: Why would I do that? Reporter: Because one bad apple spoils the bunch. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 16 Jan 23 - 10:31 AM I told my friend I liked Beyonce. He said whatever floats your boat. I said no, that's buoyancy :?-?D |
