BS: Joke thread for 2023

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Rain Dog
Date: 03 Jun 23 - 03:59 AM

"You really don't get this, do you, Donuel, old son? THIS IS A JOKE THREAD.'

Prior to your post, Donuel did post a couple of jokes, albeit you might not have found them funny. Your post also repeated a joke that has appeared twice before in this thread, including one of your previous posts.

Things have never been the same in this country since 1971, when the government decimated lsd.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 03 Jun 23 - 02:55 AM

I hope no one is going to talk about Philip Schofield with his hand up Gordon the Gopher's bum...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 02 Jun 23 - 03:59 PM

You really don't get this, do you, Donuel, old son? THIS IS A JOKE THREAD. Do try to keep your other unfunny shit for one of your own threads (there are plenty to choose from, fer chrissake, as you do appear to suffer from thread-starting diarrhoea).

A bloke was pulled over by a police car. The cop indicated to him to wind down his window. He said to the bloke, "Sir, do you realise that half a mile ago your passenger door flew open and your wife fell out on to the road?"

"Oh, thank God!" said he, "I thought I'd gone deaf!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 02 Jun 23 - 03:35 PM

It just occurred to me that the opposite of Artificial Intelligence is …Real Stupid.

I hear they’ve made a new artificially intelligent Oreo?
It’s one smart cookie.


A man creates the smartest AI and presents it to the UN, boasting it can solve any problem

“Oh yeah?” Said the president of the United States. “Ok, how do we solve poverty?”

“Calculating,” said the AI, moments later printing out a sheet of paper for the UN to read.

Leaders from all over the world applied the proposals on the paper and in a month everyone starts living a better lives.

Impressed, they called for the AI’s assistance again and asked, “How do we create world peace?”

“Calculating,” said the AI and printed a sheet of mylar.

Leaders applied the writings, and in a month all wars and conflicts stopped. Everybody hates guns now and the world is full of love.

On the next UN gathering, curious about the purpose of life, they asked the AI, “Is there a God?”

“Calculating,” said the AI. This time though it didn’t give a response immediately.

In fact it took a whole day of processing before finally printing out platinum saying, “Insufficient resources, need more for the computation!”
“Okay, we’ll help out!” Said the leaders of America.

And they provided the AI with all of the advanced tech America can offer. Then they asked the question again.

“Calculating,” responded the AI.

But still, it responded, “Insufficient resources. Still need more for computation!”

“Ok, we’ll also pitch in!” Said the other leaders of the world, providing their tech and networks to the AI.
After the upgrade, the world leaders asked again to the AI, “Is there a God?”

The AI responded, “There is now.”

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 02 Jun 23 - 03:06 PM

Daisy d a i s y g i v e   m e    y   o   u   r   a n s w e r
d   o   ...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 02 Jun 23 - 06:57 AM

Stop, Don, stop, without further Dullea.

You're not really telling a joke, you're basically describing what happened in the movie.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 02 Jun 23 - 05:45 AM

stop Dave. please stop.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 01 Jun 23 - 04:19 PM

Reminder to Donuel: this is a joke thread.

Autocorrect is my worst enema. To he'll with it, say I.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 01 Jun 23 - 10:49 AM

What did AI say to the repairman?
Stop Dave stop.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 01 Jun 23 - 07:37 AM

How does a blonde lose 95% of her intelligence?             She divorces her husband.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 31 May 23 - 08:12 PM

Sorry, says the health dept. We mixed up your husband's test results and can't say if he tested positive for Covid or Alzheimer's!

-When can he be retested?

-No need! Take him for a long walk and leave him somewhere unfamiliar. If he finds his way home... don't let him in!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 30 May 23 - 10:15 AM

600!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 30 May 23 - 09:46 AM

Sherlock, is ~Moriarty in prison now?
Penitentiary dear Watson.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 30 May 23 - 09:39 AM

Cabbie to my mom: Where is your accent from?
Mom: eet comes frrom trryeeng to speak Eenglish!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 26 May 23 - 01:27 PM

Holmes and Watson lay on the ground on a fine summer night

"Look at those stars, Watson. Beautiful but what do you deduce from them?"

"Well Holmes. Given the position of Ursa Major I deduce it is around 2am."

"I think you have missed the main point, Watson. It seems that someone has nicked our tent..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 26 May 23 - 10:37 AM

This is a joke thread. Just thought I'd mention it again for the benefit of Donuel.

"Good grief, Watson, I've just stood in something brown and sticky! I hope it's just mud..."

Watson takes a closer look. "No. Shit, Sherlock..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 26 May 23 - 10:18 AM

Watson: Holmes, you solved the case
Holmes: That's complementary Watson.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 26 May 23 - 09:46 AM

And this clue: "Long canal from mouth to arse," Holmes...

Alimentary, my dear Watson.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 26 May 23 - 08:57 AM

Could glass coffins become the thing?

Remains to be seen...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 26 May 23 - 08:56 AM

What is that yellow door, Holmes?

A lemon entry my dear Watson

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 26 May 23 - 08:23 AM

There is a need for satire directed at the truly sick/ignorant misogynists in our country who deny women healthcare.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 26 May 23 - 08:10 AM

You are sick.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 26 May 23 - 07:47 AM

CLEARWATER, FL— May 25th.
Hoping that she had done enough to obtain one of the coveted feminine hygiene products, local Florida woman Jessica Calderon filled out a 25-page application Friday in order to receive a tampon. The Florida legislature included the menstrual cycle as a leading cause of abortion in the killing of an unfertilized egg via tampons. Dr. Elmer Bubba Wilcox testified Thursday on the killing of unfertilized eggs and the all-male legislature amended their 6-week abortion ban in an emergency overnight session.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 25 May 23 - 02:43 PM

How many Dylan Thomas fans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, they just 'Rage, rage . . ."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 May 23 - 07:19 PM

Sherlock Holmes was gardening when Watson came over and asked what he was planting.

“A lemon tree, my dear Watson”.

Watson was struggling with his crossword.

"Holmes, can you help me with this clue - 'in the Californian style...'"?

"A La Monterey, my dear Watson."

"What about this clue, Holmes - 'Conservative MP pays millions to wife after divorce...'"

"Alimony Tory, my dear Watson."

"And this one: 'large flat fish with wing-like fins...'"

"Yellow manta ray, my dear Watson."

"Another, Holmes: 'Burglar sets off loud siren noise as he breaks in...'"

"Alarm entry, my dear Watson."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 24 May 23 - 07:26 AM

Sorry last one didn't work but it was a sign outside a Northamptonshire Hospital which read 'Family Planning advice..use back entrance.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 24 May 23 - 07:24 AM

/Users/michaeljohnhill/Desktop/images.jpeg

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 24 May 23 - 07:22 AM

Seeing the sign post I was reminded of this....https://languagelog.ldc.upenn.edu/nll/?p=257

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 23 May 23 - 07:41 PM

'If I were to die first, would you remarry?" the wife asks.

"Well," says the husband, "I'm in good health, so why not?"

"Would she live in this house?"

"It's all paid up, so yes."

"Would you let her drive my car?"

"It's new, so yes."

"Would she use my golf clubs?"

"No. She's left-handed."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 May 23 - 04:57 PM

A woman saw her husband standing on the bathroom scales, sucking in his stomach.

“Heheh! That’s not going to help you!" she said.

“Yes it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 22 May 23 - 02:49 PM

A woman has just gone to bed late one evening when her husband comes into the bedroom with a glass of water and two paracetamol:

"Here, this is for your headache".

"I haven't got a headache".

"WAY HEY! Get your nightie off !"


DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 22 May 23 - 09:18 AM

https://www.esigns.com/top-30-funny-yard-signs/

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 21 May 23 - 08:40 AM

Just posted on the Get Well Gnu (Gary Owen) thread

I have posted it many times before but never tire of it :-D

What noise does a gnu make?

Bnag!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 21 May 23 - 06:27 AM

He shouted 'Sympathy, sympathy, where can I find sympathy'?    ~I said you'll find it in the dictionary....somewhere between shit and syphilis.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 20 May 23 - 12:12 PM

lol

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 20 May 23 - 10:58 AM

I was walking past a farm, and a sign read: “Duck, eggs!”
I thought, “That’s an unnecessary comma.” Then it hit me.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 20 May 23 - 09:33 AM

Someone tried to tell me once that the word Gullible wasn't in the dictionary...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 19 May 23 - 06:22 PM

Q: What's the longest word in the dictionary?

A: Smiles. There's a mile between the first and last letters.

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 19 May 23 - 11:05 AM

People have accused me of plagiarism

Their words, not mine

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 19 May 23 - 08:23 AM

Q: How do you spell mousetrap? A: C-A-T.
What ten letter word starts with g-a-s? Automobile.
Can you spell a pretty girl with two letters? QT
Q: "What letter of the alphabet has got lots of water?" A: "The C"
Q: "What letter of the alphabet is always waiting in order?" A: "The Q. (queue) Q: What begins with T, ends with T and has T in it? A: A teapot.
Q: When I was young there was only 25 letters in the Alphabet? A: Nobody new why.
Q: What is heavy forward but not backward? A: Ton. Q:
Which letters do Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday have in common? A: None! None of them have "c", "o","m" or "n" in them.
Q: How do you make seven even? A: Remove the 's'
Q: Why can't you find the letter X in Church? A: Because it was X-communicated.
Q: What's the difference between here and there? A: The letter T.
Can your mom's name with two letters? EZ. How can you spell too much with two letters? XS I know 25 letters in the alphabet I don't know Y. Q: What five-letter word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it? A: Short
Q: What is the most important thing a witch needs to learn in school? A: Spelling.
Q: What's the longest word in the dictionary? A: Rubber-band -- because it stretches.
Q: What is at the end of the world? A: The letter 'd'
Can you spell eighty in two letters? A-T.

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/miscellaneousjokes/schooljokes/spellingjokes.html

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 19 May 23 - 03:55 AM

:-)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 19 May 23 - 02:49 AM

A 70 year old billionaire arrived at a party with a beautiful 25 year old woman on his arm. His host asked him:
"How did you manage to get such an attractive, young girlfriend?"

"I lied about my age".

"What, you told her you were 35?"

"No, I told her I was 95".

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 May 23 - 08:24 PM

I found that my pack of cards was all stuck together with glue. I just couldn't deal with it.

How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb?
Who wants to know?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 18 May 23 - 12:45 PM

What do call a man cutting the grass with a piece of bacon on his head? Mowhamhead

WHat do call a man cutting the grass in the strip between 2 houses with a piece of bacon on his head? Mowhamhead Alley

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 18 May 23 - 12:24 PM

If pigs could fly, would bacon go up?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 May 23 - 09:10 AM

What do you call fish with no eyes?

Fsh (only works when spoken!)


What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No idea (ditto)


What do you call a dead deer with no eyes?

Still no idea...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 18 May 23 - 06:55 AM

What do you call a fly with no wings?

A walk.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Thompson
Date: 18 May 23 - 06:01 AM

I thought this was a joke thread. Where's the jokes? (Not counting reactive puns.)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 12 May 23 - 07:43 PM

Speak of the devil...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 12 May 23 - 04:49 PM

There is no such thing as chronic cellulitis. More uninformed nonsense, which makes all the rest of your stuff increasingly unbelievable (if that's even possible).