BS: Joke thread for 2023

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 10 Feb 23 - 07:50 PM

It's only when you're halfway through eating a horse that you realise that you weren't as hungry as you thought.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 07 Feb 23 - 07:11 AM

Bloke said to his doctor, "Doc, I have pain all over my body!"

"Hmm. Can you be a bit more specific?"

The bloke touched his nose, then his knee, then his ear, then his shoulder. "It's everything I touch, doc! Terrible pain!"

The doc looked him over. "Ah, I can see what the problem is. You've got a broken finger."



Woman told the doc that she'd been chewing her pillow in the night.

"How are you now?" he asked

"I feel a little down in the mouth..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 06 Feb 23 - 07:11 PM

"Doctor! Doctor! I think I'm losing my memory!"

"Hmm. And how long has this been going on?"

"How long has what been going on...?"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 06 Feb 23 - 01:20 PM

Shortly after I took off on an Aer Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston a few weeks ago, air hostess nervously announced that the catering department made a terrible mistake. A big mixup she said. Although there were 226 passengers on board they received only 80 dinners. She apologised but said that anybody who is kind enough to give up their meal to somebody who is hungry, would receive free unlimited drinks for the remainder of the flight. The next announcement came 2 hours later when she said, ' If anybody is hungry we still have 80 dinners available.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 06 Feb 23 - 11:15 AM

Reminded by another thread

Doctor, I keep singing Delilah and Green Green Grass of Home

Oh, you have Tom Jones syndrome. It's not unusual.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 06 Feb 23 - 09:56 AM

The doc gave this bloke some pessaries to help to relieve his piles.

A week later he went back to the doc, who asked him how he was getting on.

He said, "The tablets you gave me were useless. For all the good they did I might as well have shoved 'em up my arse!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 06 Feb 23 - 09:40 AM

The first time a wooly mammoth saw a caveman naked it wondered how cavemen could breathe outta that little thing.

An Indian and a bear walked into a bar and ordered 40 beers. The bartender said, "we don't serve your kind here". The Indian said, "Bear with me".

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 06 Feb 23 - 08:40 AM

The consultant told me that I would need to take the pills, one each day, for the rest of my life.....What worried me is he only prescribed enough pills for one week.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bob Hitchcock
Date: 05 Feb 23 - 01:52 PM

I went to see my doctor and he gave me 6 months to live. I told him I couldn't afford to pay his bill, so he gave me another 6 months.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 04 Feb 23 - 07:50 PM

Hilarious, DtG! Telling all my hippie friends.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 04 Feb 23 - 06:33 PM

Well someone has to encourage the bugger. The main thing is, we want jokes...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 04 Feb 23 - 03:06 PM

I just heard a perfect description of Donuel.

Pizza cutter

All edge and no point :-D

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 04 Feb 23 - 10:22 AM

Donuel @03 Feb 23 - 10:46 PM you landed with a perfect 10 on that one. Even with the "get your coat" departure, I visualize a chimpanzee pelt . . .

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 04 Feb 23 - 10:03 AM

Hippy woman runs into a hospital shouting "I need to see a sturgeon!"

A nurse calms her down saying "I think you mean surgeon. What's the problem?"

"I haven't demonstrated for 2 months and I think I'm stagnant"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 04 Feb 23 - 08:14 AM

Th consultant surgeon asked the patient if he wanted the good news or bad news first. 'The bad news first' replied the patient. 'Well' said the consultant surgeon, 'We took your good leg off by mistake'. 'Oh No' replied the patient, 'you had better give me the good news'.....'Well' said the consultant surgeon, 'Your bad leg seems to be getting better'

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 04 Feb 23 - 07:39 AM

It's Deja Vu all over again.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 04 Feb 23 - 07:31 AM

I got an email about reading maps bac...

Oh, hang on...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Geoff Wallis
Date: 04 Feb 23 - 05:53 AM

May I just point out that Desperate Dan was in 'The Dandy', not 'The Beano'.

Dandy's demise

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 04 Feb 23 - 05:19 AM

He always kept the horns on for his cow pie!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 04 Feb 23 - 04:56 AM

A joke for Beano readers:

Desperate Dan was ordering a jumbo steak in the restaurant.

"How would you like your meat, sir?"

"I'm not fussy. Just pull the cow's horns out and wipe its arse..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 04 Feb 23 - 03:54 AM

Beyond me...

When I was a junior clerk at the council offices my boss sent me to get him a ham sandwich from the local shop

"What if they don't have one?", I asked

"Oh, get me anything.", he replied

He wasn't very impressed with the bar of soap I brought back

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 03 Feb 23 - 11:02 PM

Yesterday was groundhog day when he predicted 6 more weeks of mass shootings and he was shot by a hunter with his AR 15.

whose coat is this?
I found a 20-year-old condom in the pocket.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 03 Feb 23 - 10:46 PM

I got an email yesterday explaining that mudcat jokes are atavistic.

I'll get your coat

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 03 Feb 23 - 07:17 PM

Bloke went up to the desk in the library and announced loudly, "Fish and chips, please."

"Shhh! Do you mind, sir? This is a library!"

"Oh, sorry..." (lowers his voice to a quiet whisper)... "Fish and chips, please..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 03 Feb 23 - 07:11 PM

I rang my wife and asked if she'd like me to pick up Fish and Chips on my way home.

She just grunted. I have a feeling that she still resents the fact that she allowed me to pick the names for our twins...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 03 Feb 23 - 05:37 PM

I got an email explaining how to read maps backwards. Turned out it was spam.


Shit...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 03 Feb 23 - 03:37 PM

Ahhh. Sorry Steve and Gillymor.

I blame it on old age and poverty. Or deja vu.

Have I said that before?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 03 Feb 23 - 03:33 PM

You'll hear from my attorneys in the morning, Gnome. :-)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 03 Feb 23 - 02:20 PM

Er, Dave...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 03 Feb 23 - 02:06 PM

I got an email offering to teach me how to read maps backwards

Turns out it was spam

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 03 Feb 23 - 01:10 PM

I heard somewhere that Raab isn't his real surname, rather it's his GCSE grades, thus:

Dominic? Ah! A A B!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Geoff Wallis
Date: 03 Feb 23 - 11:31 AM

What's eighteen inches long and hangs in front of an arsehole?





















Dominic Raab's necktie.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 03 Feb 23 - 10:37 AM

Steve, put your coat back n. That was funny!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 03 Feb 23 - 06:56 AM

A dung beetle walked into a bar and asked, "Is this stool taken?"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 02 Feb 23 - 10:31 PM

Whoops, here's the one I meant to repost-

I got an email explaining how to read maps backwards. Turned out it was spam.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 02 Feb 23 - 10:27 PM

Once more-

My wife only has 2 complaints about me.
I don't listen and something else.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 02 Feb 23 - 07:46 PM

A psychiatrist shows a patient an inkblot and asks him what he sees. The patient says, “A man and woman making love.”

He shows him another inkblot, and the patient says, "That’s also a man and woman making love.”

The psychiatrist says, "You're obsessed with sex!”

The patient says, “What do you mean I’m obsessed? You’re the one with all the dirty pictures!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 02 Feb 23 - 06:30 PM

that last joke doesn't work in Hebrew.

It’s great that Turkey is providing heavy armoured vehicles to Ukraine.
Everyone loves a tanks giving turkey.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 02 Feb 23 - 06:19 PM

What is very heavy going forwards but not backwards?

Ton.

I'll get me coat...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 02 Feb 23 - 01:25 PM

Tht jk s jst bllcks f y sk m, Dv.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 02 Feb 23 - 01:10 PM

Wht d y gt f y rmv ll th vwls?

Rbbsh

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 02 Feb 23 - 01:02 PM

My wife only has 2 complaints about me.
I don't listen and something else.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 02 Feb 23 - 10:59 AM

If your reply over on the Brexit thread started with "Sarkey ...", then it did take although it's not there now.

Anyway, not to waste a good joke, here it is again:-

A man was driving across country when he took a call from his wife on his hands-free phone. In an agitated voice, she said:
"If you're on the motorway, be careful. It's just been on the news that there is a car driving the wrong way on the M62".
"It's worse than that" he replied. "I'm on the M62 and they're all driving the wrong way'.

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 02 Feb 23 - 10:43 AM

Report? Mudcat was down for a bit.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 02 Feb 23 - 10:35 AM

Oh yes, your joke too...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 02 Feb 23 - 10:35 AM

Dunno, but I composed a reply, which wouldn't send, now yours is missing so I have a redundant post saved up! You were taking the mick because you think I mention Blair Peach too many times, I think, something like that anyway.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 02 Feb 23 - 10:19 AM

What happened to the joke I posted this morning?

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 01 Feb 23 - 07:46 PM

A bloke was coming round after his operation when the surgeon appeared at his bedside.

"I've got good news and bad news," said the doc.

"Oh God! Well tell me the good news first, Doc!"

"Well, remember I said that your whole right leg would have to come off? Thing is, we only had to remove half of it after all!"

"Oh, that's great! But what's the bad news, Doc?"

"It was the top half..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 01 Feb 23 - 06:49 PM

I suppose. Now do you know any jokes, preferably told in plain English? I've tried hard to accommodate your style by coming up with an arcane and obscurantist way of saying the following, but I've failed miserably in that quest. So the very best I can do is to say it this way:

Ahem:

"This is a joke thread."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mr Red
Date: 01 Feb 23 - 05:20 PM

Sabine Hossenfelder has a very dry sense of humour on her Science Youtube channel. see Science News: @ 18:26

Basically when asked how to solve a problem with a quantum computer, she suggested "have you tried switching it on and off ............. at the same time"

Caveat for our resident kibitzer - "humour is relative" - some people can't relate, and it shows.