BS: Joke thread for 2023

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 01 Feb 23 - 12:07 PM

"Once again, likes and dislikes are prominent on this joke thread."

Sorry, but you're not getting away with that. It's just a feeble attempt to somehow legitimise your plethora of non-jokes, to somehow set them alongside the genuine jokes as equal in value to the real jokes, in what is a thread that's meant to be carefree and lighthearted. Your dozens of moans and non-jokes have been a concerted attempt to derail the thread for bitter reasons known only to you. A good joke exists in order to give us a belly laugh at best, failing that a titter at least, and occasionally a groan get-me-coat moment. It matters not a jot if they are unoriginal googles or repeats. You clearly don't understand any of these things. A good thing for you to do would be to review all your posts to this thread and reflect honestly on what you've really been trying to do.

Anyway.

A frantic man is on the phone to the nurse. "You've got to help me! My wife's waters have broken and her contractions are only two minutes apart! HELP!"

The nurse asks calmly, "Is this her first child?"

"No, you idiot! This is her husband!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 01 Feb 23 - 11:20 AM

A wizard walked into a gay bar ...

... and disappeared with a *poof*!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 01 Feb 23 - 11:17 AM

Once again, likes and dislikes are prominent on this joke thread.

“Marriage is a fine institution, but I’m not ready for an institution.” — Mae West
“A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.” — Zsa Zsa Gabor
“The only thing we don’t have a god for is premature ejaculation… but I hear that it’s coming quickly.” ? Mel Brooks
“I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I’ll never know.” — Groucho Marx
"double entendres like these are put in a class of pun humor but they are no joke." - Donuel

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 01 Feb 23 - 10:08 AM

Somebody said, maybe Mark Twain, analyzing humor is like vivisection, you may get some answers but the subject dies on the table.

Once again- Joke Thread.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bob Hitchcock
Date: 01 Feb 23 - 09:19 AM

Last night I had dinner at a new place called Karma Cafe. There were no menus, they just served you what you deserved.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 01 Feb 23 - 07:52 AM

How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?

Four. One to do it normally and the other three all to do it in slightly different ways. There must be folk process...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 01 Feb 23 - 06:57 AM

How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?

Four. One to change it and three to sing in close harmony about the dead one

How many traditiohal folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Nothing must change


How many singer songwriters does it take to change a light bulb?

Six. One to change it and five to write deep meaningful songs about their relationship with the old one

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: leeneia
Date: 31 Jan 23 - 03:08 PM

Hi, Donuel. I liked gillymor's limerick too. Since it ends up as a comment upon itself, it qualifies as a meta-limerick, don't you think?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 31 Jan 23 - 06:35 AM

There was a young man from Hunts
Who stood on the bridge at Buckingham.
Watching the stunts of the c.... in the punts
and the tricks of the p..... that were f...ing 'em

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Joe_F
Date: 30 Jan 23 - 09:05 PM

Now everyone likes a butch guy.
That's a fact that one cannot deny.
    But between butch and bitch
    Is such a small switch --
Just the difference between U and I.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 30 Jan 23 - 08:00 PM

Good link there, Mrrzy! :-)


There was a young lady named Sally
Who enjoyed the occasional dally
She sat on the lap
Of a well-endowed chap,
And cried “Gordon, you're right up my alley!”

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 30 Jan 23 - 06:58 PM

Well, if it's limericks you want...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 30 Jan 23 - 01:07 PM

I haven't got any secrets. I must say, gillymor, that "Bude" is almost as fertile ground as "Nantucket" when it comes to limericks...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 30 Jan 23 - 07:10 AM

What we say no to in life is as important as what we say yes to.
Thw liars culture of yours, stevie, is the same as people who verbally attacked 82 year old Paul Pelosi, or the petroleum industry who we expect to lie, that they are the only stable answer to energy needs. The liars culture now includes deep fakes. Defending against fakes is proving too difficult so an asterisk is given what can be proved real.
For people like you who have no respect for people except yourself are aiding and abetting the liars culture. Next I will give examples of your words even if it is anachronistic. Taking a stand against lies is a noble cause in this day and age no matter how small or large. You could regret that your deepest secret might be divulged but I do not engage in extortion. The truth is, I liked the gilly limerick.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 30 Jan 23 - 06:49 AM

There once was a lady from Bude,
Who went for a swim in the nude,
Then a man came along,
And unless I am wrong,
You were hoping this line would be lewd.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 30 Jan 23 - 06:27 AM

Dozens of your posts in this thread, Donuel, but just a single joke. But we're managing despite you.

There was a young girl from Rabat
Who had triplets, Tat, Nat and Pat
It was fun in the breeding
But hell in the feeding
When she found she had no tit for Tat

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 30 Jan 23 - 06:19 AM

There was a young man from Belgrave
Who found a dead whore in a cave
He said "It's disgusting
But it only needs dusting"
And think of the money I'll save"

There was a young man from Peel Green
Who invented a wanking machine
On the 99th stroke
The fucking thing broke
And whipped his poor bollocks to cream

Now we have sunk to rock bottom, we can only gety better :-D

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 30 Jan 23 - 05:44 AM

Donuel, do you have to air out your grievances in this thread, I come here looking for a laugh, not to witness petty squabbles. P.M. a moderator or something. Please.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 30 Jan 23 - 04:06 AM

There was a young lady named Alice
Who was known to have peed in a chalice
‘Twas the common belief
It was done for relief
And not out of protestant malice


There once was a man from the sticks
Who loved to compose limericks
But he failed at his sport
They were always too short

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 29 Jan 23 - 07:25 PM

There was a young sailor named Bates
Who danced the fandango on skates
But a fall on his cutlass
Has rendered him nutless
And totally useless on dates.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 29 Jan 23 - 07:18 PM

Grade E- for that last one.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 29 Jan 23 - 02:01 PM

Airplanes and boats go down
They die by fire or drown
But automobile's
Achilles heel
are cars, cliffs and the ground

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 29 Jan 23 - 01:05 PM

There was an old man from Nantucket
Who kept all his cash in a bucket
But his daughter, named Nan
Eloped with a man
And as for the bucket? Nantucket.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 29 Jan 23 - 12:04 PM

The artist felt joy in creating
but fans were often debating
if the forms that were made
were by brush or by blade
"They were done by nude procreating".

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 29 Jan 23 - 11:22 AM

There was a young girl from Cape Cod
Who thought babies were fashioned by God
But ’twas not the Almighty
Who'd lifted her nightie
'Twas Roger the lodger, the sod

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bob Hitchcock
Date: 29 Jan 23 - 11:05 AM

There once was a man from Japan,
Whose poetry just wouldn't scan,
When asked as to why,
He said in reply,
It's because I always try to cram as many words into the last line as I possibly can.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bill D
Date: 29 Jan 23 - 10:08 AM

A limerick packs laughs anatomical,
Into space that is quite economical,
   But the good ones I've seen,
   So seldom are clean,
And the clean ones so seldom are comical.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 29 Jan 23 - 10:06 AM

A husband always insisted on making love in the dark.
After 20 years his wife turns on the light and finds him holding a vibrator and goes ballistic, "You impotent bastard! How could you lie to me all these years?"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes & calmly says, "I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids....."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bill D
Date: 29 Jan 23 - 10:05 AM

Three old ladies were riding on a bus...
One said, "Windy today, isn't it?"
The second replied, "No, it's not Wednesday, it's Thursday."
The third said, "I'm thirsty, too. Let's get off and have a Coke."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bill D
Date: 29 Jan 23 - 10:01 AM

A clever old hooker named Gail
Was tattooed with her prices for tail.
   And on her behind,
   For the sake of the blind,
A duplicate version in Braille.

(I told that in a group at a music gathering once, and there was a loud snort from behind be where our blind member had been listening.)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 29 Jan 23 - 07:58 AM

A lovely young girl from Australia
Painted her arse with a dahlia
The colours were fine
As was the design
But the fragrance, alas, was a failure

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 29 Jan 23 - 07:55 AM

A gorgeous young lady from Exeter
Had all the young men crane their necks at 'er
But one was so brave
As to take out and wave
The distinguishing mark of his sex at 'er

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 29 Jan 23 - 07:42 AM

There was a young vicar from Salisbury,
Whose manners were quite halisbury scalisbury.
He would walk around Hampshire,
Without any pampshire,
Till the Bishop insisted he walisbury






For those who fail to understand the shortened version of Salisbury and Hampshire will give you the answer.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 28 Jan 23 - 08:26 PM

From deep in the crypt of St Giles
Came a scream that resounded for miles
Said the vicar "Good gracious!
Did Father Ignatius
Forget that the bishop has piles?"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 28 Jan 23 - 07:19 PM

There was a young lady called Dinah
With a music box in her vagina
All the boys they had larks
To the sweet sound of Bach's
Toccata and fugue in D minor

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 28 Jan 23 - 06:05 PM

Now that is authentic with spirit.
we have no reason to fear it
whenever we compose
in rhyme or in prose
the truth that is told
is explicit

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 28 Jan 23 - 03:55 PM

William Tell? George Szell? Tom Bell? Gwynne (Nell)? Jacques Brel? Go on, Georgiansilver - I give up! :-)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 28 Jan 23 - 02:22 PM

I've been coming to Mudcat for many a year.
On the Joke thread son occasions my jokes will appear.
Some are quite funny, a few are naff.
Some even make the odd member laugh.
One persons jokes draw no smile or no grin.
In fact his presence is wearing quite thin.
His name of course, I will not tell .
But it may well rhyme...his....name ........is......?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 28 Jan 23 - 12:37 PM

I believe you are unhappy. I have given no cause for offense.
Putting a finer point on things is not only kosher
it is required by finer minds.

What would satisfy the mad narcissist beast?
Do you need some sort of egotistical feast?
I daresay you have eaten enough
All I have is a deserved rebuff
Voila and for dessert
You are quite berserk

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 28 Jan 23 - 11:59 AM

...And the punchline is...?

"Doctor! Doctor! I keep thinking I'm a woman who helps to deliver babies!"

"Don't worry, sir. You're just going through a midwife crisis..."


I'm not saying that I was an ugly baby, but when I was delivered the midwife slapped my mother...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 28 Jan 23 - 10:40 AM

Jokes, puns, epigrams, aphorisms, bon mots, all welcome in this thread. There are threads for other stuff.


A policemen pulled a driver over on a quiet country road.

"Sir, didn't you notice that your wife fell out of the car half a mile back?"

"Oh, thank God! I thought I'd gone deaf!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 28 Jan 23 - 10:21 AM

'The thing about land mines is that they're easy to install, but with a hair trigger they're very dangerous, deadly and expensive to remove' - the perfect description of Republican candidates.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 28 Jan 23 - 09:09 AM

I had a bad addiction to gambling so I went to 'Gamblers anonymous'. Now I'm a little better.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 28 Jan 23 - 06:30 AM

I've sold all my body parts in order to feed my gambling addiction. Maybe I should quit while I'm still a head...

My wife can't help skipping through flowery meadows. I think she has a gambolling addiction...

Someone's been spreading rumours that I have a gambling addiction. I'm not sure who it is, but my money's on George...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 28 Jan 23 - 06:17 AM

A couple was heard arguing in a Las Vegas casino-

Husband: I can't believe you lost $150 in a slot machine!

Wife: You should talk, you lost $15,000 at the Black Jack table.

Husband: Yeah, but I know how to gamble.

Subject: RE: BS: Super Bowl Predictions
From: gillymor
Date: 28 Jan 23 - 06:15 AM

A couple was heard arguing in a Las Vegas casino-

Husband: I can't believe you lost $150 in a slot machine!

Wife: You should talk, you lost $15,000 at the Black Jack table.

Husband: Yeah, but I know how to gamble.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 26 Jan 23 - 07:30 PM

...herd it through the bovine?

Why do cows have hooves instead of proper feet?

Because they lactose...

I'll get me coat...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 26 Jan 23 - 06:43 PM

Every morning I used to walk my cow in the vineyard.

Yes. I herd it through the grapevine.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bob Hitchcock
Date: 24 Jan 23 - 09:07 PM

Two Flutes walk into a bar. One says to the other "who was that Piccolo I saw you with last night". The other one replied "that was no Piccolo that was my Fife".

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 24 Jan 23 - 03:44 PM

I just discovered that my electric toothbrush is not waterproof

I was shocked!