Favourite Limerick [8]

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Frug
Date: 14 Jun 01 - 05:02 AM

Ther was a young lady at sea.
Who complained that it hurt her to pee.
Aha! said the mate
that accounts for the state
of the cook and the Captain and me.

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Frug
Date: 14 Jun 01 - 05:06 AM

A young violinist in Rio,
was seducing a lady named Cleo.
As she took down her panties
she said "no andantes"
I want this allegro con brio"

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Bat Goddess
Date: 14 Jun 01 - 07:54 AM

I lean towards the scientific (and love Kendall's mathematics one!):

There was a young fellow from Trinity
Who took the square root of infinity
But the number of digits
Gave him the fidgets
He dropped math and took up divinity.

There was a young fellow named Fiske
Whose fencing was exceedingly brisk.
So fast was his action
The Fitzgerald contraction
Reduced his rapier to a disk.

There was a young fellow named Fred
Had a tool with a corkscrew shaped head.
He found, having hunted,
A girl corkscrew c**ted
But, alas!, with a Fred-reversed thread.

Bat Goddess

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Micca
Date: 14 Jun 01 - 08:10 AM

a peculiarly british one, were local knowledge is needed to make sense of it, but has delighted me for years..... There was a young lady from Salisbury
whose actions were all Halisbury -Scalisbury
she travelled round Hampshire
without any Pampshire
she said it was too hot to Walisbury

the other one I have always liked, because of the alliteration is this
I wooed a stewed nude in Bermuda
I was lewed but my God! she was leweder
She said it was crude
to be wooed in the nude
I pursued her, subdued her and screwed her

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: The Walrus at work
Date: 14 Jun 01 - 08:18 AM

A young architect named Yorick,
On morning, while feeling euphoric,
Produced for inspection
Three kinds of erection,
Corintian, Ionic and Doric.

Regards

Walrus

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Midchuck
Date: 14 Jun 01 - 08:57 AM

The dirty old Bishop of Birmingham
Once rogered three maids while confirming 'em
As they knelt seeking God
He excited his rod
And pumped his episcopal sperm in 'em

But they said, as the Bishop withdrew:
"Good my lord, we're afraid this won't do;
For the Vicar is quicker
And thicker and slicker,
And longer and stronger than you!"

Peter.

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: GUEST
Date: 14 Jun 01 - 09:17 AM

Young Hamlet thought uncle a traitor
For having it off with his mater
To revenge Dad or not
That's the gist of the plot
And he did - nine soliloquies later.

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Red Eye
Date: 14 Jun 01 - 10:20 AM

There was an old man from Kent.
Who couldn't afford to pay the rent.
His wife said, "Jim,
If you don't give it in,
We'll have to go and live in a tent"!!

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Jenny the T
Date: 14 Jun 01 - 10:31 AM

A Peruvian shepherd named Bruno
Said, "screwing is one thing I do know."
"Oh, sheep are just fine,
And chickens divine,
But llamas are numero uno!"

JtT

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Charlie (=}===#
Date: 14 Jun 01 - 10:38 AM

I'm surprised no one has mentioned this one

There was a young man named Magruder
Who wooed a lewd nude in Bermuda
The nude thought it rude
To be wooed in the nude
But Magruder was lewder and screwed 'er

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Bill D
Date: 14 Jun 01 - 10:38 AM

A horny machinist named Beale,
Had an organ as hard as blue steel,
...He got all his thrills
...From pneumatic drills,
And offset emery wheels.

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: LR Mole
Date: 14 Jun 01 - 10:40 AM

From the late, lamented Michael O'Donoghue, the most insanely clever and offensive one I've ever seen:
A gay Irish priest in New Delhi
Had the Lord's Prayer tatooed on his belly.
By the time that a Brahmin
Got down to the "amen"
He'd blown both salvation and Kelley.

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Mark Clark
Date: 14 Jun 01 - 11:05 AM

A man dining out in Nauvoo,
Discovered a mouse in his stew,
Said the waiter don't shout,
And wave it about,
Or the others will want one too.

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Chip2447
Date: 14 Jun 01 - 01:46 PM

There once was a possum named Cleigh,
Whose friend travelled away,
When Spaw had returned
The Possum had learned
He'd been replaced on the very same day.

On the shelf where he sat,
by a wee lad at that
The boy was a pisser
Cleigh wanted Spaw's kisser
to toot the hole where he shat

The Possum sublime,
plotted his revenge devine,
a fart in the face
far better than mace
would turn spaw into a mime

A toot up the bum,
is better for some,
than pissing
and missing,
thereby polluting the rum

JANE!!!! HOW DO I STOP THIS CRAZY THING!!!

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: alanabit
Date: 14 Jun 01 - 02:04 PM

There was a gay man from Rangoon
Took a lesbian up to his room
And they argued all night
As to who had the right
To do what and with which and to whom

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: GUEST,kimmers who lost her cookie long ago
Date: 14 Jun 01 - 02:18 PM

A wonderful bird is the pelican
His mouth can hold more than his belly can
He can store in his beak
Enough food for a week
I'll be darned if I know how the hell he can.

Ogden Nash, I think. And then there's one I wrote for my fellow civil war re-enactors. We have one guy in our group, a high-school kid, who portrays a rather dandified young man and hauls an amazing amount of crap to each event. Thus:

There was a young dandy named Joe
Whose pile of possessions did grow
His portable house
Lacked only a spouse
And made packing exceedingly slow.

And one more Kimmers original:

There once was a fellow named Kevin
Whose mustache did grow up to heaven
He combed it out daily
With his ukulele
Each day at a quarter to seven.

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Charmion
Date: 14 Jun 01 - 02:19 PM

From a series on Cambridge colleges:

There once was a Fellow of King's
Who cared not for girls and such things.
His height of desire
Was a boy in the choir
With a bum like a jelly on springs.

My favourite clean one:

There was a young lady named Bright
Who travelled much faster than light.
She set out one day
In a relative way
And came home the previous night.

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: GUEST,SharonA
Date: 14 Jun 01 - 04:22 PM

There once was a lady of Spain
Who to Lawrence Welk would complain:
"Accordions slay
My song, ev'ry day,
Again and again and again!!"

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Charley Noble
Date: 14 Jun 01 - 05:56 PM

So far I haven't seen these posted:

There was a young widow named Brice,
Who kept her dead husband on ice;
She said, "T'was hard when I lost him,
I'll never defrost him;
It's rather cold comfort but nice."

There once was a poet named McNamiter,
Whose tool was of prodigious diameter;
But it wasn't the size,
Gave the gals the surprise,
T'was his rhythm – iambic pentameter.

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Mark Cohen
Date: 14 Jun 01 - 06:25 PM

I think I wrote these when I was a freshman in college...that's all the apology you're going to get.

A pregnant young lady named Jane
Was driven quite nearly insane
When she found that her box
Had had room for two cocks
And she didn't know which guy to blame

A musician was young Friedrich Nietzsche
But his violin sounded quite scrietzsche
His father said, "Fred,
Take up writing instead
The silence will be ginger-pietzsche!"

Aloha,
Mark

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: mousethief
Date: 14 Jun 01 - 06:26 PM

ginger-pietzsche? ginger-peachy? What is that?

Alex

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Bill D
Date: 14 Jun 01 - 08:49 PM

*grin*...I remember 'ginger-peachy'....have NO idea of origin, but it just meant something like 'fine & dandy' or 'hunky-dory'

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 14 Jun 01 - 10:39 PM

There was a young lady named Alice
Who pissed in an Anglican chalice.
She said, "I do this
From desire to piss,
And not from sectarian malice.

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Joe_F
Date: 14 Jun 01 - 10:51 PM

ObFolk:
There once was a Scottish musician
Who preferred 69 to coition.
Said he, with a grin,
As he wiped off his chin,
"It's all part of our oral tradition."

A lady lubricious and lewd
Once stood in a queue in the nude,
And a man down in front
Hollered out, "I smell ****."
Just like that! Right out loud! ******* rude!

There was once a young lady named Sue
Who preferred a stiff drink to a screw.
But one leads to the other,
And now she's a mother.
Let that be a lesson to you!

Now everyone wants a butch guy.
That's a fact that we cannot deny.
But between _butch_ and _bitch_
Is such a small switch --
Just the difference between u and i!

And, obFolk once again:

There was once a young person of Tring,
Who, whenever they asked her to sing,
Replied, "Isn't it odd?
I can never tell `God
Save the Weasel' from `Pop Goes the King'."

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: English Jon
Date: 15 Jun 01 - 06:34 AM

There was a young lady of Dewsbury bollocks, Who went to the shop for some fish bollocks She went through the door shit And the shopkeeper said shit What sort of fish would you like bollocks? (Alexie Sayle)

EJ

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: mousethief
Date: 15 Jun 01 - 01:48 PM

Surprised nobody's done this one yet.

There once was a man from Nantucket
Whose d*** was so long he could suck it
He said with a grin
As he wiped off his chin
"If my ear was a c*** I could f*** it!"

Alex

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: ScottyG
Date: 15 Jun 01 - 02:49 PM

I was gonna post the Nantucket one, but Alex beat me to it. Here's another...

There was a young lady from Clare Who possessed a magnificent pair Or so we all thought Till her left one got caught On a nail and began losing air.

and a clean one...

A tutor who tooted the flute Tried to teach two young tooters to toot Said the two to the tutor, "Is it harder to toot,

ScottyG Or to tutor two tooters to toot?"

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Charley Noble
Date: 15 Jun 01 - 04:16 PM

Mark, very sophisticated!

Here's another one for the nautical & knotty crowd:

There was a young lady from Bangor,
Who fell asleep while her ship lay at anchor;
She awoke with dismay,
When she heard the mate say,
"Boys, hoist up the top sheet and spanker."

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: mousethief
Date: 15 Jun 01 - 04:22 PM

Here's another one from "I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue" which was written a line at a time by the "panelists:"

While studying physical science,
Try using this handy appliance!
You strap it on thus,
And get on a bus,
And you'll find you have plenty of clients.

Alex

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Micca
Date: 15 Jun 01 - 06:12 PM

Hi MT, how do you know about ISIHAC??? you are in California...

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: mousethief
Date: 15 Jun 01 - 06:19 PM

Bite your tongue! I'm in Washington State!

California! Hmmmpf! I've never been so insulted in my life!

Oh, in answer to your question -- I have a friend in Cumbria who sends me CDR's.

Alex

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Micca
Date: 15 Jun 01 - 06:23 PM

There is a new series running just now...on BBC Radio 4. Sunday 12.04 repeaated Monday 18.30 UK time...

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: GUEST,guest ire
Date: 15 Jun 01 - 07:22 PM

im surprised noone has sent this one...its out years...

old mother hubert went to her cupboard to fetch her wee doggy a bone but when she bent over the doggy took over and gave her a bone of his own...

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Bill D
Date: 15 Jun 01 - 07:30 PM

this thread sure demonstrates the various levels of what people consider funny, cute & clever.....some of the examples here are truly brilliant, some are....ummmm...."juvenile pieces of crap" comes to mind, but I guess songs run the same gamut and we need some of all kinds to suit all the proclivities.

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Joe_F
Date: 15 Jun 01 - 08:20 PM

The bishop-elect of Hong Hong
Had a dong that was ten inches long.
He thought the spectators
Were admiring his gaiters
When he went to the gents'. He was wrong. -- W. H. Auden

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Joe_F
Date: 15 Jun 01 - 08:38 PM

P.S. Further obFolk: Limericks are often sung with a chorus to the tune of the refrain of "Cielito Lindo":

Aye, aye, aye, aye,
In China they do it for chili,
So let's have another verse
That's worse than the other verse --
Waltz me around again, Willy.

It occurred to me some time ago that the the second line might be varied in a cycle:

In China they do it for chili ->
In Chile they do it with turkeys ->
In Turkey they do it with grease ->
In Greece they do it for china, etc.

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: GUEST,joe
Date: 15 Jun 01 - 08:52 PM

while we're on the subject, i've been looking for one that was composed of puns on punctuation. the last line goes, "He had too important an asterisk". ring a bell?

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Bill D
Date: 15 Jun 01 - 09:42 PM

not a limerick, but...

Mary had a little plane,
And in it she would frisk.
But when she flew it upside down,
Her little *

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Shields Folk
Date: 15 Jun 01 - 09:47 PM

Well if we're loosing the plot:

I wish I was a caterpillar

life would be a farce

climbing up the plants and trees

and sliding on my ..

..hands and knees.

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Little Hawk
Date: 15 Jun 01 - 10:04 PM

The one about Titian is definitely the best!

But here's my favorite self-penned limerick...

A Chinese bricklayer named Fong
Had a "tool" so incredibly long
A professor named Blake
Mistook it for a snake
Now it's in a glass case in Hong Kong

- LH

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: GUEST,Hagbard
Date: 15 Jun 01 - 11:55 PM

There was a hillbilly named Spaw Who envied his maw and his paw to join in their life he adopted his wife and became his own father in law

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Skipper Jack
Date: 16 Jun 01 - 08:58 AM

There was a young girl from Westphalia, Who went to a dance as a dahlia. And the heat of the ball caused the petals to fall, And the dance, as a dance, was a failure.

There were two men from Aberystwyth Who had some cards to play whist with, When they got tired of that, they went and sat And played with the things that they pissed with.

There was a young man called Dave, Who found a dead pro' in a cave. It takes a lot of pluck to have a cold f**k But look at the money you save!

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Charley Noble
Date: 16 Jun 01 - 10:30 AM

Joe F., the alternative chorus my family sings runs:

Ay, yi, yi, yi,
In Chili they do it for China;
Let's have another verse
That's worse than the other verse,
And waltz me around again, Dinnah.

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Bill D
Date: 16 Jun 01 - 10:50 AM

There was an old miser named Clarence,
Who Simonized both of his parents.
..."The initial expense",
...he remarked, "Is Immense". "But I'll save it on wearance and tearance"

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Snuffy
Date: 16 Jun 01 - 05:05 PM

A young couple from Aberystwyth
United the organs they kissed with,
By turns and degrees,
On their hands and their knees
They came to the organs they pissed with

There was a young fellow called Simpson
He was a whore's and a pimp's son
When he went to bed
With his mother, she said,
"It's no f***ing use if its limp, son"

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: pavane
Date: 16 Jun 01 - 05:41 PM

Another version
There was a young couple from Aberystwyth
Bought a packet of cards to play Whist with
But they found it a bore
So they layed on the floor
and they played with the things that they pissed with

Funnier for the rhymes with the place name than the action!

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Deckman
Date: 16 Jun 01 - 06:09 PM

One "TELLING" statement about this thread is the number of catters who do NOT contribute ... besides, all my favorites have already been posted ... (grin and giggles) Bob(deckman)Nelson

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: TonyK
Date: 16 Jun 01 - 11:21 PM

There once was a lady from zizes
Who had breasts that were two different sizes
One was quite small and was not much at all
But the other was large and won prizes

Aye yi yi yi
In Sicily the syphilis is seasonal
Sing us a verse that is worse than the first
And waltz me around by my Willy

TonyK

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: CarolC
Date: 16 Jun 01 - 11:39 PM

I take that as a challenge, Deckman. I don't have any new ones right now, but here's one of my own that I've recycled from the 'Limericks, anyone?' thread. Most of that thread was about the dimensions of Spaw's (*ahem*) ...little friend.
A man with a six foot long johnson
Who wanted to go to Wisconsin
Created a fuss
When he boarded the bus
Cause they couldn't fit all of his schlong in

--- Line breaks <br> added ---

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: CarolC
Date: 16 Jun 01 - 11:53 PM

Oops!

should go like this...

A man with a six foot long johnson
Who wanted to go to Wisconsin
Created a fuss
When he boarded the bus
Cause they couldn't fit all of his schlong in.