Favourite Limerick [8]

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Snuffy
Date: 17 Jun 01 - 07:50 AM

This "waltz me around" type chorus must be American - in Britain we always sing

That was a horrible song
Sing us another one
Just like the other one
Sing us another one, do.

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: lady penelope
Date: 17 Jun 01 - 09:24 AM

Or.... Same song, drifferent verse, a little bit louder, a little bit worse.

TTFN M'Lady P.

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Micca
Date: 17 Jun 01 - 11:26 AM

Penny, isnt that the bridge from the INFAMOUS "Blue bells are blue" song????

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Charley Noble
Date: 17 Jun 01 - 11:43 AM

Haven't seen this one recently, which may have some appeal to animal lovers:

There was a young man from Dundee
Who buggered an ape in a tree;
There result was most horrid,
All ass and no forehead,
Blue balls and a purple goatee.

This exercise is really more fun to sing in a stairwell at 3 in the morning, but you all know that.

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Micca
Date: 17 Jun 01 - 05:32 PM

I friend challenged me to find a rhyme for anchovies so here goes..
Young Annie who liked to eat Hovis
and crisp fried bacon and stovies
was left a bit flat
when told that her twat
was beginning to taste of anchovies

(for the trans-ponders, Hovis is a kind of bread in the UK and stovies are a fried potato dish)

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Dug
Date: 17 Jun 01 - 06:34 PM

There was a young girl from Azores
Whose cunt was all covered in sores.
All the dogs in the street
Used to lick the green meat
That hung in festoons from her drawers

--- Line breaks <br> added ---

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Bev and Jerry
Date: 18 Jun 01 - 01:49 AM

There was an old lady from Wooster
Who dreamed a young man had seduced her
But when she awoke
It was only a joke
A bump in the mattress had goosed her

Bev and Jerry

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Wolfgang
Date: 18 Jun 01 - 06:14 AM

The last one from Bev and Jerry reminds me that I like them spelled this way:

There was an old lady from Worcester
Who dreamed a young man had sedorcester
But when she awoke
It was only a joke
A bump in the mattress had gorcester.

It works particularly nice with the Irish spellings of town names in Ireland.

Wolfgang

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Bill D
Date: 18 Jun 01 - 11:38 AM

one of my favorite NON-xxx limericks:

A careless an old gasman named Peter,
With a match poked around a gas heater.
...Touched a leak with his light,
...And rose out of sight.
And, as anyone who knows anything about the fine art of elegant poetry and the laws of physics can tell you,...he also ruined the meter.

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Dug
Date: 18 Jun 01 - 11:38 AM

An urgent young man of the cloth

Who at preaching was realllly no sloth

taught masturbation

to the whole congregation

and was washed down the aisle on the froth

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Lyndi-loo
Date: 18 Jun 01 - 11:41 AM

A bestial young curate called Rust
For animals had insatiable lust
With maniacal howls
he deflowered young owls
and a little green lizard that bust

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Pseudolus
Date: 18 Jun 01 - 03:59 PM

I once read this in an old joke thread....it's worth repeating.......I believe it was Gary T....

There once was a poet named Night
whose limericks were never quite right
They would all go just fine
Til the very last line
Then he always managed to mess them up somehow...

Frank

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Bev and Jerry
Date: 18 Jun 01 - 05:32 PM

There was a young girl from Cajon
Who went to the dentist alone
In his depravity
He filled the wrong cavity
But, my, how his practice has grown

Bev and Jerry

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Charley Noble
Date: 18 Jun 01 - 06:04 PM

In the interest of provoking something better:

There was an old lech from Belgrave
Who kept a dead whore in a cave;
He said, "I admit
I'm a bit of a shit,
But think of the money I save."

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Joe_F
Date: 18 Jun 01 - 06:34 PM

You can smoke a symbolic cigar,
You can ride in a long, sexy car,
But a phallic church steeple,
To sensible people,
Is stretching the thing rather far.

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: GUEST,Ophelia
Date: 19 Jun 01 - 06:39 PM

Okay, you have to say this one out loud - it is not rude but it works better that way...

There once was a young man named Wyatt, Whose voice was incredibly quiet, And then one day, It just faded away...

(took me a while to get it when my dad told me when I was little)

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: GUEST,Michael in Swansea on my colleague's 'puter
Date: 20 Jun 01 - 08:48 AM

There was a young lady from Crewe
Who filled her vagina with glue
She said with a grin
If they pay to get in
They'll pay to get out of it too.

The gay young Duke of Buckingham
Stood on the bridge at Rockingham
Watching the stunts
Of the c****s in the punts
And the tricks of the p****s that were f****** 'em

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: PatJoe
Date: 20 Jun 01 - 03:56 PM

Here is a link to some unusual Physics Limericks

Such as:

A theorist evaluating a weight, Neglected what he should calculate. He said: what the hell, I do quite well, When two is much larger than eight!

Cheers Pat

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: GUEST,Les
Date: 20 Jun 01 - 11:39 PM

I wrote this one some years back:

There was Martha from old Cincinatti Whose cellulite tissues were fatty Those who gave her a whirl Called her hamburger girl She was mostly two buns and a patty

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: GUEST,Playtime
Date: 23 Jun 01 - 10:26 PM

Here are two, in the same vein:

There once was a young lad from Wipers (Ypres) Who was shot up the arse by some snipers; When he vented his air Through the holes that were there, He astounded the Cameron pipers!

There once was a lad from Roedean Who tried to fart "God Save the Queen" When he hit the sporano Out shot the guano, And his britches weren't fit to be seen!

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Joe_F
Date: 24 Jun 01 - 11:02 AM

Said Einstein, "I have an equation,
Which some may think quite Rabelaisian.
Let V be virginity,
Approaching infinity,
And P be a constant persuasion.

Let P over V be inverted;
Let P into V be inserted.
It seems clear to me
That the outcome will be
A _relative_," Einstein asserted.

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: GUEST,Steve O
Date: 16 Sep 07 - 04:47 AM

Thanks to John Valby on this one:

There once was a girl from Decatur
Who got laid by a big aligator.
Now nobody knew
The result of that screw
'Cause after he laid her he ate her.

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: GUEST,Steve O
Date: 16 Sep 07 - 04:50 AM

And one that's not x-rated

A tutor who tooted his flute
Tried to teach two young tooters to toot
Said the two to the tutor
Is it harder to toot
Or to tutor two tooters to toot?

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: GUEST,Steve O
Date: 16 Sep 07 - 04:59 AM

Sorry, I've just realized the "tooter" limerick I posted was already submitted earlier in the thread.

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Rowan
Date: 17 Sep 07 - 12:59 AM

You want clean?

A flea and a fly in a flue
were caught; didn't know what to do.
"Let us fly!" said the flea.
"Let us flee!" said the fly.
So they flew through a flaw in the flue.

or

There once was a lady, Simone de Beauvoir,
who committed a dreadful faux pas;
she loosened a stay
of her decollete
and exposed her je ne sais quois.

But I prefer

A pretty young lady from Exeter
had the young men all craning their necks at her
and some were so brave
as to take out and wave
the distinguishing marks of their sex at her.

Cheers, Rowan

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Schantieman
Date: 17 Sep 07 - 07:48 AM

There once was a man from Darjeeling
Who travelled by bus to South Ealing
It said on the door,
"Please don't spit on the floor."
So he stood up and spat on the ceiling.

There once was a man from Dundee
Who was stung on the arm by a wasp
When asked "Does it hurt?"
He replied "Not, it doesn't
I'm so glad it wasn't a hornet."

A lady who lived on the Humber
Had a wondrous collection of lumber:
Old boots and tin whistles
A brush without bristles,
Three harps and a fossilised plumber

There was a young fellow from Harrow
Whoi went round the world in a barrow
In crossing Ben Nevis
He fell down a crevice
For the path was exceedingly narrow.

Steve

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Bryn Pugh
Date: 17 Sep 07 - 08:05 AM

I have recently been re-reading Mike Harding's 'Rambling On', which has the opening lines of

There was a young lady called Annie
Who plaited the hairs on her fanny

I E-Mailed him at 'Folk on Two' (or whatever it's called - that poxy radio programme on a Wednesday night and if it isn't Kate Rusby it's Christy Moore) asking for the rest of the words, but I just got an acknowledgement.

Does ANY 'Catter know the rest of the words, 'cos it's driving me daft (dafter).

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: GUEST,Neil
Date: 17 Sep 07 - 09:54 AM

Here are two of my Dad's favorites:

There once was a lady from Wheeling
Who had a funny feeling
So she laid on her back
Opened her crack
And peed all over the ceiling

There was a man from Boston
Who bought himself an Austin
There was room for his ass
And a gallon of gas
But his balls hung out and he lost 'em

   An Austin was a very small automobile and if you already knew that
you're probably as old as that rhyme.

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Dave Hunt
Date: 17 Sep 07 - 09:57 AM

A habit obscene and unsavoury
Holds the Bishop of Wessex in slavery
With maniac howls
He deflowers young owls
Which he keeps in an underground aviary

BUT....

The Bishop of Dunstan St.Just
Was consumed by a similar lust
So he raped all those owls
Those elegant fowls
And a little green lizard- what bust!

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: treewind
Date: 17 Sep 07 - 10:25 AM

There was a young man from Nepal
Who went to a fancy dress ball
He thought he would risk it
Dressed up as a biscuit
But the dog ate him up in the hall.

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Big Al Whittle
Date: 17 Sep 07 - 06:12 PM

there was a young lady from Dorset
who wore an inpenetrable corset
til a chap from Caerphilly
with a very willy
Found an aperture through which to force it

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 Sep 07 - 06:15 PM

With a very WHAT willy...?

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Big Al Whittle
Date: 17 Sep 07 - 06:33 PM

small

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 Sep 07 - 08:48 PM

Ah.

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 17 Sep 07 - 09:24 PM

There once was a girl named Bathsheba
Who made love with a German amoeba
It would writhe on her belly
In a petulant jelly
And soulfully murmur, "ich liebe!

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Nick
Date: 18 Sep 07 - 05:33 AM

der der-der der der-der der der
der der-der der der-der der der
der der-der der dee
der der-der der dee
der der-der der der-der der der

It's an instrumental

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Midchuck
Date: 18 Sep 07 - 08:54 AM

As Titian was mixing Rose-madder
His model posed nude on a ladder.
Her position, to Titian,
Suggested coition.
So he climbed up the ladder and had 'er.

There was a young lady named Arden
Who blew her boy friend in the garden.
He asked, his voice gruff:
"Do you swallow that stuff?"
And she replied, "(gulp) Beg your pardon?"

There was a young fellow named Durkin
Addicted to jerkin' his gherkin.
His wife told him, "Durkin,
By jerkin' your gherkin,
You're shirkin' your firkin, you bastard!"

P.

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Bryn Pugh
Date: 18 Sep 07 - 09:24 AM

There was a young lady from Surrey
Who needed to piss in a hurry.
She lay on her back
And opened her cxrack
And Fred backed in in his lorry.

('lorry' here requires pronunciation in the Queen's Manchester accent.)

There was a young man from the Cape
Who was buggered by a bloody big ape.
He screamed 'Get off, you foll -
You've got a square tool
Which is knocking my arse out of shape.

Our local cinematorium
Is not just a visual sensorium
But a highly effectual
Heterosexual
Mutual masturbatorium.

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 30 Jan 11 - 01:12 AM

Another non-X-rated ~~ made up at the appropriate historical moment by a very brilliant pupil, David Williams of Acrefield Drive, Cambridge, in my long-since teaching days, for the Chesterton School Astronomical Society's newsletter ~ which, needless to say, he edited:

Apollo to Mission Control
We are almost in reach of our goal
But this reading of 'G'
Seems excessive to me
And I think we are near a black

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick [8]
From: GUEST
Date: 06 May 15 - 05:55 AM

Can't let this thread die a death - I have forgotten more of these than I remember

There was a young woman from Louth
Who returned from a trip to the South
Her mother said "Nelly,
There's more in your belly,
Than ever went in by your mouth"

There was an old woman called Randal,
Whose behaviour caused quite a scandal,
She reared her proud rump
At the old village pump
And made improper use of the handle

There was an old vampire called Mabel
Whose periods were somewhat unstable
At every full moon
She'd pull out a spoon
And drink herself under the table

There was a young woman called Starkey
Who had an affair with a
The result of her sins
Was triplets, not twins,
One black, one white and one khaki

There was an old whore of the Ruhr
Who poxed everything that went through her
The smell of her tw@t
Killed a twenty foot rat
That had lived all its life in a sewer

There was a young woman called Cager
Who as the result of a wager,
Consented to fart
The whole oboe part
Of Mozart's quintet in F Major

There was a young lady from Chichester
Who used to make saints in their niches stir
One morning at matins
While dressed in white satin
She made the Bishop of Chichester's britches stir

I'll get my coat

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick [8]
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 06 May 15 - 11:15 AM

There once was harlot named Rhoda
Who dwelt in a spacious pagoda
And festooned the walls
Of the halls with the balls
And the tools of the fools who bestrode her

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick [8]
From: Joe_F
Date: 06 May 15 - 12:01 PM

There once was a lady from Fife,
Whose man was the bane of her life,
    For he had an aversion
    To every perversion,
And only liked fucking his wife.

Well, one day the poor lady struck,
And she wept, and she cursed her hard luck,
    Saying, "Where have you gotten us
    With your monotonous
Fuck after fuck after fuck?

I once knew a harlot named Sue,
And a versatile girl she was, too.
    After ten years of whoredom,
    She perished of boredom
When she married a jackass like you."

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick [8]
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 06 May 15 - 12:55 PM

There was a young lad who gingerly
Tore a hole in his sister's best lingerie.
As he ripped off her vest,
He thought "Might be best,
To add incest to insult to injury!"

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick [8]
From: Mrrzy
Date: 06 May 15 - 01:05 PM

(12 + 144 + 20 + 3sqr4)/7 +5*11 = 81 + 0

Otherwise read as:

A dozen, a gross and a score
Plus three times the square root of four
Divided by seven
Plus five times eleven
Is eighty-one, not a bit more.

(or, are 81 not a bit more).

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick [8]
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 06 May 15 - 01:27 PM

There was a young lady called Dinah
With a music box in her vagina.
All the boys they had larks
To the sweet sound of Bach's
Toccata and Fugue in D minor.

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick [8]
From: BobL
Date: 07 May 15 - 02:41 AM

There was a young lady from Leicester,
Who said to the man that undreicester,
"You'd best have your whack
Through the hole at the back,
The front one's beginning to feicester."

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick [8]
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 07 May 15 - 04:45 AM

There was a young wife from Antigua
Who said "Oh my dear, What a pigua."
He said "Oh my queen
Is it manners you mean
Or do you refer to my figua?"

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick [8]
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 07 May 15 - 04:57 AM

There was a faith healer of Deal,
Who said, "Although pain isn't real,
If I sit on a pin,
And it punctures my skin,
I dislike what I fancy I feel."

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick [8]
From: Jack Blandiver
Date: 07 May 15 - 05:15 AM

From 'The Listing Attic' - Limericks by Edward Gorey (1954)

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick [8]
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 07 May 15 - 05:32 AM

Synchronicity:

F&SF Magazine have just published the results of a Limerick Competition
For those who read SF/Fantasy