|
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Splott Man Date: 09 Dec 03 - 08:04 AM There was a young man from Dundee Who was horribly stung by a wasp When aked if it hurt He said no not at all it can do it again if it likes The was a young man from Japan Whose poems would never quite scan When asked why this was He said it's because I try to get as many words into the last line as I possibly can OK, off theme but I like them |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Dave Bryant Date: 10 Dec 03 - 05:47 AM After Les Barker's "Dachshunds with errections can't climb stairs", here's a limerick that should also make your eyes water. There once was a Dachshund named Bert Whose chopper did rub in the dirt In the course of a day he wore it away And by gum it didn't half hurt ! |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Joe_F Date: 10 Dec 03 - 02:53 PM There was once a young lady named Banker Who slept while the ship was at anchor, But she woke in surprise When she heard the crew's cries: "Now haul on the top sheet and spanker!" |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Snuffy Date: 10 Dec 03 - 08:40 PM There was a young lady from Hyde Who, no matter how hard she tried Could achieve no orgasm Not even a spasm No spark to ignite her inside |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: GUEST,Himself Date: 10 Dec 03 - 09:42 PM An ethnologist up with the Sioux Sent a telex "Send punt and canoe" The reply came next day "Girls on their way, But what on earth's a panoe" There was a young student called Jones, Who'd reduce young women to groans, By his intimate knowledge, Acquired at college, Of nineteen erogenous zones. |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: longtimejoe Date: 10 Dec 03 - 11:35 PM just composed one this morning while getting out of bed with the name of my clerk: Once a lovely young lady named judy Declared, "If you think that I´m moody, It´s cause so many men Just want to be ´friends` I need one who´s lookin´ fer booty. How´s zat? |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Bee-dubya-ell Date: 10 Dec 03 - 11:58 PM So, longtimejoe, what were you doing in bed with the name of your clerk? Where was the rest of her? |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Dave Bryant Date: 11 Dec 03 - 09:35 AM This one isn't actually dirty, but it might raise more than memories for many males who frequent UK singarounds. A sexy folk singer called Noreen Makes singarounds anything but boring Though her perchant for seduction May lead to moral corruption. She always sets male pulse rates soaring. |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Micca Date: 11 Dec 03 - 11:28 AM A Folksinger name of Dave Bryant While trying to be Safety Compliant At Jack in the Green With Linda, Leather Queen In the back of a Robin Reliant While striving for "six-nine" perfecto There was too much "push-pull" not "reverso" As he passed "sixty four" he kicked open the door And was revealed in Flagrante delecto |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Dave Bryant Date: 11 Dec 03 - 11:39 AM I refute the above accusation - Linda and I have never tried to perform soixtante-neuf in the back of a Robin Reliant - there wouldn't be enough room. Now my old Volvo 740 was quite spacious . . . . |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Joe_F Date: 11 Dec 03 - 12:26 PM Not a limerick, but perhaps apropos: Wind, and sky, And sounding surf, And you and I And soixante-neuf. |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Peace Date: 14 Dec 03 - 06:38 PM longtimejoe: That was pretty darn good. You have added to the folk literature (poetry section) of our time. |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Guy Wolff Date: 14 Dec 03 - 09:20 PM My two faverites both learned from Gordon Titcomb bless him : There was a preacher of kings, who preached of heavenly things. but his secrest disire was a boy in the chior with a bum, like jelly, on springs. Under the spredding chestnut tree the village ediot sat amussing himself by abusing himself. and catching the stuff in his hat |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Peace Date: 29 Dec 03 - 12:48 AM Thank you all for contributing to the literature. This thread was a hoot. BM |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: freda underhill Date: 29 Dec 03 - 02:30 AM there once was a girl called Loreena whose swordsmanship couldn't be keener she sliced off a prick got rid of it quick and now lives with a lady called Sheena.. there once was a young man, named bobbit who bred like a bunny starved rabbit his hysterical wife took a blow with the knife now he can't ever rub it like Robert |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: The Barden of England Date: 29 Dec 03 - 08:58 AM There was a young man from Swaboda, Who wouldn't pay a whore what he owed her, So with great savoir fair, She stood on a chair, And pissed in his whisky and soda. |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: GUEST,big red Date: 24 Aug 04 - 04:59 PM I rather enjoy fat lasses with butts as thick as mollasses when I hit it from the back I cut them no slack 'til they start to secrete nauseus gases |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Dave Hanson Date: 25 Aug 04 - 07:17 AM There was a young man called Jack Bosham, Who took out his balls for to wash 'em His mother said Jack If you don't put 'em back I'll tread on the buggers and squash 'em eric |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Chris Green Date: 25 Aug 04 - 12:08 PM There was a young monk from Algeria Whose morals were somewhat inferior One night for some fun He knocked off a nun And now she's the Mother Superior. I saw this bloke on television Who signed up for a cheap circumcision But the blade slipped somehow And unfortunately now He's testicularly deficient. There was a young fellow called Reg Who was shagging a girl in hedge When along came his wife With a large carving knife And cut off his meat and two veg. And on a cleaner note There was a young man from Japan Whose limericks just wouldn't scan When they asked him why He replied "Because I Like to get as many syllables into the last line as I possibly can!" I started this one but am stuck for rhymes. There was a young man from Sri Lanka.. Any suggestions gratefully accepted! (fnar fnar!) |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Georgiansilver Date: 25 Aug 04 - 12:16 PM Who wanted to work on a tanker. But oh what a clown, It would be a comedown. Cause he was a Merchant Banker. Best wishes. |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Chris Green Date: 25 Aug 04 - 12:26 PM I'm impressed! And with such alacrity too! |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: GUEST,Ooh-Aah Date: 26 Aug 04 - 12:45 AM There was a young man from Sri Lanka Who was an incurable wanker. When a young girl called Dimity Removed his virginity The bugger did not even thank her. Time taken, 2 mins 48 sec. Ah, benefits of being a Primary English teacher! |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: GUEST,Jack Date: 11 Sep 04 - 06:01 AM There was a young girl called Alana With a cunt like a feeding pirhana She would nip of the tools Of horny young fools Who thought they were reachung nirvana |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: GUEST,Red Thunder Date: 27 Apr 07 - 06:34 PM You guys forgot one there once was a man from peru, he fell asleep in his canoe, while dreaming of venus, he paddled his penis, then he woke with a hand full of goo. |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Joe_F Date: 27 Apr 07 - 09:05 PM There was once a young fellow named Rand Who sat seeing the sights in the sand. "My problem," said he, "Is as hard as can be, But I think I can take it in hand." |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: dick greenhaus Date: 27 Apr 07 - 09:42 PM An ardent young miss named Bathsheba Was seduced by a German amoeba Who would writhe on her belly In a petulant jelly And soulfully murmur, "ich liebe" There was a young lady named Alice Who pissed in an Anglican chalice She remarked, "I do this From desire to piss And not from sectarian malice." |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: iancarterb Date: 27 Apr 07 - 11:17 PM I've loved the genre since first hearing Oscar Brand's vinyl albums of Bawdy Songs and Backroom Ballads. This did not come from Oscar's collection, but I haven't seen it go by in the thread. There was a young lady from Wheeling Who had a peculiar feeling. She lay on her back And tickled her crack And pissed all over the ceiling. |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Dave Hanson Date: 28 Apr 07 - 02:49 AM An explorer out in Peru, Sent home for two punts and a canoe, The answer next day, Said, girls on the way, But what the fuck's a panoe ? eric |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Midchuck Date: 28 Apr 07 - 08:19 AM Another young lady in Wheeling Maintained she had no sexual feeling 'Till a cynic, named Boris Just touched her clitoris And she had to be scraped off the ceiling. |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Charley Noble Date: 28 Apr 07 - 04:43 PM Just a couple of family favorites which I don't think I've seen posted: There was a young widow named Brice, Who kept her dead husband on ice; She said, "T'was hard when I lost him, But I'll never defrost him; He's rather cold comfort but nice." There once was a poet named McNamiter, Whose tool was of prodigious diameter; But it wasn't the size, Gave the gals the surprise, T'was his rhythm – iambic pentameter. There was a young man from Bombay Who sailed to China one day, Of the pox he did worry, So he dabbed on some curry, And for Ship Street his anchor did weigh! Cheerily, Charley Noble |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: bubblyrat Date: 29 Apr 07 - 02:46 AM There was a young girl from Madras, Who lay on her back,in the grass- With fingers so slim, She tickled her quim, 'til it foamed, like a bottle of Bass.! There was a young sailor from Wales, An expert at pissing in gales -- He could piss in a jar, From the topgallant spar, Without even wetting the sails ! There was an old man from Dundee, Who came home as drunk as could be- He undid the lock With the end of his cock And rogered his wife with the key. |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: bubblyrat Date: 29 Apr 07 - 02:55 AM But I really prefer the clean ones !! Viz-- The chief stewardess of a Boeing, When asked "Which way are we going ? " Said " Our navigator Is joining us later-- 'til then, we have no way of knowing ! " OR- A silly young fellow from Yuma , Told an "Elephant Joke" to a puma-- Now his skeleton lies Under hot desert skies. ( The puma had no sense of huma ) |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Dave Hanson Date: 29 Apr 07 - 03:54 AM The Limerick is furtive and mean, You must keep it in close quarantine, Or it sneaks to the slums, And promptly becomes, Disorderly, drunk and obscene. eric |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: dick greenhaus Date: 30 Apr 07 - 12:18 AM Well, it must be the shape of the thing That give the old limerick wing Those airy conceits And accordion pleats Pull it up like a kite on a string. There was a maths student from Trinity Who solved the square root of infinity But it gave him such fidgets To count up the digits He chucked math, and took up divinity. A physicist chappie named Bright Could travel much faster than light He set off one day In a relative way And returned on the previous night See, I do know some clean ones. |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Dave Hanson Date: 30 Apr 07 - 01:14 AM There are three types of Limericks, 1. Limericks which can be told when women are present. 2. Limericks which can be told when clergymen are present but women are not. 3. LIMERICKS eric |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: bubblyrat Date: 30 Apr 07 - 12:47 PM I used to know loads, but I have forgotten them. So I have written some ! Here"s two to start off ----( I was in the Navy for some years, and it may seem obvious !! ) A gay ,Belfast sailor called Sid, Tried to bugger himself with a fid : He smeared it with lard, And sat down on it hard, But it split him in half ( so it did ). There was a young sailor called Tim, Who fancied the cabin-boy ( Jim )---- After several gropes, Tim showed Jim the ropes: Now Jim's a REAL sailor, like him !! More to follow ( and no, I am not gay --just nautical !! ) |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Schantieman Date: 30 Apr 07 - 01:42 PM This one has cropped up at least three times so far in its respectable version. This version ain't. There once once a man from Japan Whose poetry never would scan When asked for the reason He said, "When in season I always try to fuck as many beautiful delicious and sexy young girls as I possibly can". A fellow who came from St Paul's Used to tour all the old music halls His favourite trick Was to stand on his prick And to roll of the stage on his balls. Now, where did I put that book of Rugby songs.....? |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: JohnInKansas Date: 30 Apr 07 - 02:14 PM Several requests have been made for limericks about something other than coitus and buggery, and for proper use of the ASS-Tu-Risk (*). Substituting deviant grammar for smut, there's the classic(?): Mary had a little car She drove it very brisk But Mary didn't care because She only had her * OK Bill? John |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: bubblyrat Date: 01 May 07 - 03:17 AM Here is one about cactus ,then. A sad botanist said " It"s a fact, I Do seem to have lost several cacti !!- Someone"s thrown them away: My wife, I dare say !" ( He was quite right--DUX FEMINA FACTI ) Nothing coital or anal about that( is there ??) |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: bubblyrat Date: 01 May 07 - 03:31 AM A Norwegian poet called Fisk, Knew he was running the risk, That his rhymes might affront Some sensitive ****, By not using the full Asterisk. |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: dick greenhaus Date: 01 May 07 - 01:27 PM There once was a harlot named Rhoda Who dwelt in a spacious pagoda. She festooned the walls Of the halls with the balls And the tools of the fools who bestrode 'er. I do admire internal rhymes. |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: kendall Date: 01 May 07 - 05:38 PM There once was a woman named Perkins She simply doted on Gherkins In spite of advice, she ate so much spice She pickled her internal workings. See, I know some clean ones too. I got that one from an old time radio program called "IT pays to be ignorant". Three comics would be on once a week, and it was nothing but sillyness for half an hour. Someone would mention a city, Chicago for instance, and another would say, "I used to work in that town!" "Really? what did you do thetre"? "I was a minister in a shoe factory. I saved souls." Cornball humor at its worst. |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Amos Date: 01 May 07 - 06:29 PM A lady in Boston, quite lewd Went and walked down the street in the nude! A police man said "What am- Agnificent bottom!" And smacked it as hard as he could! A |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Joe_F Date: 01 May 07 - 08:43 PM A lady lubricious and lewd Once stood in a queue in the nude, And a man down in front Hollered out, "I smell ****" -- Just like that! Right out loud! ******* rude! |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: GUEST,Bruce Michael Baillie Date: 02 May 07 - 01:29 AM There once was a young girl called Mary spent the night with a man in a dairy now heaven forbid, I won't say what they did but next morning his tongue was all hairy There once was a fellow from Wales who dined on dogs bollocks and snails when he couldn't get these, he used to eat cheese that he scraped from his knob with his nails There once was a young chap called Howells who lived on the contents of bowels when he couldn't get these, he used to eat cheese and the suckings of santitary towels ...I doubt there'll be any worse than that! |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Dickey Date: 02 May 07 - 11:33 PM There once was a hermit named Dave Who kept a dead whore in his cave He said I'll admit I'm a bit of a shit but look at the money I save. There once was a man a man from Australia Who painted his arse like an azalea The colours were bright and also devine But the smell, Ooooh that was a failyah. There once was a man from Boston, Who purchased himself an Austin There was room for his ass and a gallon of gas, But his balls hung out and he lost 'em |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: catspaw49 Date: 03 May 07 - 12:23 AM As I sat by the duchess at tea She asked, "Do you fart when you pee?" I replied with some wit, "Do you belch when you shit?" And felt it was one up for me. Still I sat by the Duchess at tea When she asked if an eggplant I ever did see? I replied "Yes," rather bored And she said, "Sir, you've explored" "Up a hen's ass much further than me." A young woman named Jenny McNair Was had by a man all covered in hair. Then he took off his hat And she realized that She'd been fucked by Smokey the Bear. A pretty young lass from Norway Hung by her heels in the doorway She told her young man Get off that divan I think I've discovered one more way. There was a young miss named Ann Hiser Who claimed that no man could surprise her But when Pabst took a chance He found Schlitz in her pants So now he is sadder Budweiser. Spaw |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Mike Miller Date: 03 May 07 - 01:14 AM I am emboldened to offer an original. Sure as "mug shots" yield non-words like "muggery", Sure as grave robbers gave us "skullduggery", There's a six legged lass With a cock up her ass, The true ant-ecedant of "buggery". Mike |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: dick greenhaus Date: 03 May 07 - 08:55 AM There once was a man named McGruder Who wooed a lewd nude in Bermuda The nude thought it crude To be wooed in the nude But McGruder was cruder. He screw'd 'er. |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Schantieman Date: 03 May 07 - 03:16 PM not quite a limerick.... She offered her honour He honoured her offer And all the long night He was on 'er and off 'er. |
| Share Thread: |
