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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Seamus Kennedy Date: 04 Dec 03 - 01:36 AM There was a young vampire called Mabel Whose periods were always quite stable, One night at full moon She went down with a spoon And drank herself under the table. A Tourette's Syndrome victim from Munchez Used language so really atrunchez That all he could say Through the whole livelong day Was "Yez bastards, yez fuckers, yez cunchez." Thank you for you kind attention. Seamus |
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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Gurney Date: 04 Dec 03 - 04:20 AM There was a young vicar from Uppingham, who stood on the bridge, overlooking 'em, watching the stunts of the c*nts in the punts, and the tricks of the pr*cks that were f*cking 'em. There was a young fiddler from Rio, who courted a maiden named Cleo. as she took off her panties, she said "No andante-s, I want this Allegro, con brio." You could only use that one in this sort of company. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: GUEST,banjoman Date: 04 Dec 03 - 05:44 AM How about this little gem? A policeman from Clapham Junction Found his penis just wouldn't function So for the rest of his life he contented his wife With some snot on the end of his truncheon |
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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Cluin Date: 04 Dec 03 - 07:29 AM ... less and less well covered by my hair every year, Bill D. Happy December, ya wood-turnin' old bastard! ;) They say Wee Willy Winkie had a prick that was tiny but stinky He had a microscope, But lacked water and soap To wash off his stinky little dinky |
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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Dave Hanson Date: 04 Dec 03 - 07:44 AM There was a young gaucho called Bruno, Who said ' shagging is one thing I do know '. A woman is fine, A sheep is devine, But a Llama is numero uno |
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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: kendall Date: 04 Dec 03 - 08:15 AM Seamus, that is gross!!! Bill D I always thought that brevity is the sole of wit, but in this case, that farter thing is a real OPUS. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Steve Parkes Date: 04 Dec 03 - 08:39 AM There was a young lady from Exeter So fair that young men craed their necks at her; One chap went so far As to wave from his car The distinguishing mark of his sex at her. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Midchuck Date: 04 Dec 03 - 09:10 AM A gay Irish priest in New Delhi Had the Lord's Prayer tatooed on his belly. By the time that a Brahmin Got down to the "Amen," He'd blown both salvation, and Kelly. P. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Dave Hanson Date: 04 Dec 03 - 09:50 AM Nice one Midchuck. There once was a sailor called Bates, Who danced the ' fandango ' on skates, Till a fall on his cutlass, Rendered him nutless, And bloodywell useless on dates. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Joe_F Date: 04 Dec 03 - 11:58 AM To his girl said the sharp-eyed detective, "Can it be that my eyesight's defective? Has your west tit the least bit The best of your east tit, Or is it a fault of perspective?" Said naughty old Sappho of Greece, "The one thing I like more than a piece Is to have my pudenda Caressed by the end o' The little pink nose of my niece." There was once an old Bey of Algiers Who said to his harem: "My dears, Though you may think it odd o' me, I'm giving up sodomy. Tonight's for you ladies." *Loud cheers.* |
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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Midchuck Date: 04 Dec 03 - 12:21 PM There was once an old Bey of Algiers Who said to his harem: "My dears, Though you may think it odd o' me, I'm giving up sodomy. Tonight's for you ladies." *Loud cheers.* Then up spake the King of Siam: "For women I don't give a damn. But a round-bottomed boy Is my pride and my joy. They can call me a bugger! I am!" Then up spoke a Hindu mahout: "Now, what's all this blathering about? Why, I shoot my gunk Up an Elephant's trunk..." *Cries of "fraud!" "He's a shit!" "Throw him out!"* |
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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Cluin Date: 04 Dec 03 - 12:24 PM That randy young couple named Kelly Are now married buttocks to belly For they, in their haste, Applied library paste, Instead of petreoleum jelly There was a young lady from Dee, With a hymen was divided in three And when she was diddled, The middle string fiddled: Nearer My God To Thee The new cinematic emporium Is not just a super sensorium, But a highly effectual, Heterosexual Mutual masterbatorium! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: GUEST,Bill Kennedy Date: 04 Dec 03 - 01:00 PM A new barber shop might be called Cilia A new florist might go for Lobelia, But if your selling toy cars or lap steel guitars Don't call your new place Pedalphilia |
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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Bill D Date: 04 Dec 03 - 01:29 PM A wonderful race are the Persians, They have such peculiar diversions. They make love all day In the usual way. And save up the nights for perversions. and by the famous poet, lecturer and critic, John Ciardi: There was a young lady who wouldn't. Her mother had told her she shouldn't. When dear mama died, She felt free, so she tried, But by then she was so old she couldn't There was a young lady of Mass. Rather lacking, we all thought, in class. She would stroll Boston Common And whenever she saw men She'd whimper, "Please, sir, make a pass." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: kendall Date: 04 Dec 03 - 03:15 PM Curious, this absence of women |
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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Bill D Date: 04 Dec 03 - 03:24 PM not so curious...*grin*...this thread probably reminds them of the back room at a smoker... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: GUEST Date: 04 Dec 03 - 07:50 PM Buckskin Billy had a 3 foot willie, & He showed it to the lady next door, She thought it was a snake & hit it with a rake, Now it's only 2 foot 4. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: vectis Date: 04 Dec 03 - 07:51 PM There was a poof from Khartoum Took a lesbian up to his room As they lay on the bed She turned round and said Now, who does what, with what and to whom? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: pixieofdoom Date: 04 Dec 03 - 08:51 PM There was a young man from Belgrade Who planned to seduce a fair maid And as it befell He succeeded quite well And the maid, like the plan, was well laid |
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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Midchuck Date: 04 Dec 03 - 09:26 PM Curious, this absence of women When Kendall was at our campsite at Old Songs last summer, we got a limerick shootout going with the help of a good deal of Jameson's and Old Crow. Kendall would take a little Jameson's, then he'd apologize, saying he didn't usually tell these things with ladies present, then he'd start another dirty limerick - and Kris (Mizchuck) would finish it along with him. Every single time. After all, she and I have been keeping company for 41 years now... Peter. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Dave Hanson Date: 04 Dec 03 - 09:53 PM And one for the girls For the third time dull Daphnis said Chloe You have told me my bosom is snowy You have made such remark on Each part of my person Now DO something, theirs a good boyi |
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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Cluin Date: 05 Dec 03 - 08:18 AM There once was a man from St. Bees Who was stung on the ass by a wasp When asked "Does it hurt?" He replied "Yes it smarts, But it'd've be worse if it was a hornet" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Joe_F Date: 05 Dec 03 - 11:09 AM Eric: For the sake of the rhyme, that should be You have made much fine verse on Each part of my person. According to Legman (in _The Limerick_), that is his wife's favorite limerick. Elsewhere, IIRC, he says that it is most women's. Women, he says, generally dislike limericks for the same reason chickens dislike cookbooks, or words to that effect. One may also retreat to Edward Gorey, whose limericks seem to have been inspired more by Charles Addams than by Rabelais: The partition of Vavasour Scowles Was a sickener: they came on his bowels In a firkin; his brain Was found clogging a drain, And his toes were inside of some towels. To his clubfooted child said Lord Stipple, As he poured his post-prandial tipple, `Your mother's behaviour Gave pain to Our Saviour, And that's why He made you a cripple.' |
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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Cluin Date: 05 Dec 03 - 11:12 AM One from Spike Milligan: There was a young man named Wyatt Whose voice was exceedingly quiet And then one fine day it just faded away... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Bill D Date: 05 Dec 03 - 01:46 PM it just faded away... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Cluin Date: 05 Dec 03 - 04:37 PM Ha Ha! That's a lot of coding, BillD. There once was a poet named Dan Whose poetry never would scan When told this was so, He replied, "Yeah, I know... It's because I always seem to have to try and cram every possible syllable into the very last line that I can" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: musicmick Date: 05 Dec 03 - 06:52 PM There once was a poet from Oxford Who said,"I wish people would understand That my limericks are as good as Anyone elses Even though they're written in free verse.". |
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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Cluin Date: 05 Dec 03 - 06:56 PM There once was a man from the Sticks Whose limericks all went to line six He never did know How far they should go, So he never did bother to fix Them at all |
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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Bill D Date: 05 Dec 03 - 07:29 PM Cluin..it's a lot of code, but no coding...I cheat and use a little program that does it for me. A careless old gasman named Peter, With a match poked around a gas heater. Touched a leak with his light, And rose out of sight, And as anyone who knows anything about the art of poetry can tell you, He also ruined the meter. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Cluin Date: 06 Dec 03 - 08:59 AM I have trouble with rhythm and rhyme It's the same f__king thing every time It is never a chore Finding lines one thru four But it's that last line that always buggers things up |
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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Cluin Date: 06 Dec 03 - 10:49 AM Since the subject was raised on another thread, here's a couple on a theme: We had a dinner and romantic walk And, through it all, had a wonderful talk But if truth be told, This silence is gold With your lips on the shaft of my cock I am tired of these fair praises sung About his mistress, acrobatic and young I know his wife is far finer There's no feeling divine-er Then when my penis slips over her tongue And, for equal time: Though, as a carpenter, I earn my pay I'm not great, but I guess I'm okay While most men don't require me, I know women will hire me For tongue-in-groove is my special forté |
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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: kendall Date: 06 Dec 03 - 04:17 PM Women dislike Limericks as chickens dislike cook books? That's funny! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Gurney Date: 06 Dec 03 - 04:55 PM Banjoman, when I heard that one, it was; A handsome policeman from Bath, once cut off his prick for a laugh. He fooled his wife, for the rest of her life, by judicious use of his staff. Must be that folk-process thing I've heard about. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Cluin Date: 06 Dec 03 - 06:10 PM There was a young lady.... Wait! Cut!! You prob'ly thought you were in for some smut Some five-lined crescendo Full Of lewd innuendo? Well, you're wrong! This is anything but |
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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Joe_F Date: 06 Dec 03 - 06:34 PM There are in fact limericks that go beyond the canonical 5 lines. Perhaps the best known is There once was a whore from Alaska Who would make anybody who'd ask her. But then she turned nice And raised up her price Till nobody could make her but Jesus H. Christ, Or possibly John Jacob Astor. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Bill D Date: 06 Dec 03 - 07:24 PM The limerick packs laughs anatomical Into space that is quite economical. But the good ones I've seen, So seldom are clean.... And clean ones so seldom are comical. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Cluin Date: 06 Dec 03 - 08:29 PM Mr. Clinton awoke from a nap, With a sharp, biting pain in his lap "Holy crap!" cried our Billy, "It looks like my willy, Has been caught in an intern face trap!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Peterr Date: 07 Dec 03 - 05:53 AM There was a young lady from Exeter So pretty that men craned their necks at 'er One was even so brave As to take out and wave The distinguishing part of his sex at 'er |
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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: annamill Date: 07 Dec 03 - 11:02 AM ok ok ok! My humble offering.. There was a young lady from Nizes Who had breasts of two different sizes One was small, nothing at all, The other was large and won prizes. I do so like limerics. I've read every single one AND I even laughed at a couple. Love, Annamill |
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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Leadfingers Date: 07 Dec 03 - 01:25 PM A clever commercial female Had her prices tattooed on her tail And below her behind For the sake of the blind She'd a duplicate version in Braille |
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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Bee-dubya-ell Date: 07 Dec 03 - 06:47 PM There once was a girl from Decatur Who got laid by a large alligator But no one ever knew Just how good she could screw 'Cause after he laid her, he ate her A stranded explorer named Lou Wired home for two punts, one canoe The reply came "OK. Two girls on the way But what in the hell's a panoe?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Cluin Date: 07 Dec 03 - 10:23 PM An odd German lodger named Roger Knew a bodger whose todger was larger This old codger's menager Kissed and pawed your massager "I told yer, by gawd, yer a dodger!" Okay, so it don't make sense. By she rhymes like a bastard, don't she? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Dave Bryant Date: 08 Dec 03 - 05:37 AM There was a young lady from Wantage Of whom the Town Clerk took advantage The Borough Surveyor Said "Now you must must pay her" For you've altered the line of her frontage. There once was a lady called Dodd Who said she'd a baby from God But it wasn't the almighty Who'd lifted her nightie But Roger the lodger - the sod There was a young man from Rangoon Who was born nearly nine months too soon He hadn't the luck to be born from a f**k He was scraped off the sheets with a spoon. And the yuckiest one - An old prostitute from the Azores Has a c**t that was covered in sores Even dogs in the street Wouldn't eat the green meat That hung in festoons from her drawers. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Joe_F Date: 08 Dec 03 - 06:45 PM An incautious young woman named Venn Was seen with the wrong sort of men; She vanished one day, But the following May Her legs were retrieved from a fen. From Number Nine, Penwiper Mews, There is really abominable news: They've discovered a head In the box for the bread, But nobody seems to know whose. -- E. Gorey |
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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Raedwulf Date: 08 Dec 03 - 07:59 PM There was a young man from Buckingham Who wrote "Bollocks & 12 ways of sucking 'em" He went berserk When outdone by a Turk Who wrote "Women & 12 ways of fucking 'em"! There was a young man from Devizes Whose bollocks were two different sizes One weighed a pound And dragged on the ground And the other's as big as a fly's is! There was a young lady named Hilda Who went for a walk with a builder He knew that he could And he should, and he would - And he did - and he goddamn near killed her! A chap down in Oklahoma Had a cock that could sing La Paloma, But the sweetness of pitch Couldn't put off the hitch Of impotence, size & aroma... A disgusting young man named McGill Made his neighbours exceedingly ill When they learned of his habits Concerning white rabbits And a bird with a flexible bill There was a young man of St Johns Who wanted to bugger the swans. "Oh no", said the porter, "You bugger my daughter, Them swans is reserved for the Dons." There was a young maid from Mobile Whose cunt was made of blue steel. She got her thrills Fom pneumatic drills And off centred emery wheels! There was a young student of Trinity Who shattered his sister's virginity He buggered his brother Had twins by his mother And took double honour in Divinity There once was a fellow from Beverley Who went in for shagging quite heavily He shagged night and day Till his bollocks gave way But the doctors replaced them quite cleverly When her daughter got married in Bicester Her mother remarked as she kissed her "That fellow you've won Is sure to be fun, Since tea he's shagged me & your sister!" And for variation: Mary had a little lamb, She also had a bear, I've often seen our Mary's lamb, But I've never seen her bare... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: GUEST,Bates from Birregurra Date: 08 Dec 03 - 09:57 PM There was a young girl from Aberistwyth Who took what to the mill to make grist with The millers son Jack Layed her flat on her back And united the organs they pissedwyth A plumber called Michael McGee Was plumbing a girl by the sea She said "Stop your plumbing I think someone's coming" He replied, "Yes there is.....and it's me" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: GUEST,Cletus Date: 08 Dec 03 - 10:53 PM old favourites... There once was a dirty old whoore, Who poxed every prick that went through her. The smell of her twat once killed a rat That had lived all it's life down a sewer. A lady called Julia Sharkey, Spent a night in bed with a darkey. To atone for her sins, She had triplets, not twins, One black, one white and one khaki. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Bill D Date: 08 Dec 03 - 11:14 PM SURE, Cletus...I'd plead anonymity, too I think it's getting kinda carried away...the plea in the first post for asterisks is being ignored, and *gross* is being substituted for *clever* in many cases.... and some are not reading previous posts and are posting the same one for the 3rd time. I'm not a prude, as you can see above, just wishing for some ...ummm...more careful selection. Just one man's opinion.*shrug* |
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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: Dave Bryant Date: 09 Dec 03 - 04:55 AM A lass on safari called Lena Was seduced by a passing hyena Twas better she said Than a tumble in bed But as sex went it could have been cleaner The following are philosophical rather than dirty - the last one's relatively clever. There was a young student called Fred, Who was questioned on Descartes and said It's perfectly clear That I'm not really here, For I haven't a thought in my head. Catspaw when sober or pissed, Can be frequently heard to insist, Letting out a great fart: I follow Descartes I stink, so I therefore exist. There was a young lady called Bright Who could travel much faster than light She went out one day In a relative way And came home on the previous night |
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Subject: RE: BS: Dirty limericks From: GUEST,Ooh-Aah Date: 09 Dec 03 - 05:26 AM There was a young lady of Chichester Who made all the saints in their niches stir. One morning at Mass The curves of her ass Made the Bishop of Chichester's britches stir. |
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