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BS: Really bad constipation
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Subject: Really bad constipation From: Bun Date: 07 Nov 00 - 11:18 AM Hi I have been a lurker for about a year and have come to the conclusion that you can ask just about anything here! But the truth is I have really bad constipation - any good remedies out there? Rich |
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Subject: RE: BS: Really bad constipation From: Jock Morris Date: 07 Nov 00 - 11:24 AM 7 pints of Guinness, a good nights sleep and then a cup of tea the next morning. Wait half an hour and then run like hell for the loo! Scott |
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Subject: RE: BS: Really bad constipation From: Long Firm Freddie (at work) Date: 07 Nov 00 - 11:26 AM A mathematician would work it out with a pencil... LFF |
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Subject: RE: BS: Really bad constipation From: Art Thieme Date: 07 Nov 00 - 11:28 AM Two Dulcolax supositories---chewed up thoroughly and swallowed. Art |
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Subject: RE: BS: Really bad constipation From: Bun Date: 07 Nov 00 - 11:32 AM I'll try the guiness - pencil sounds painful and messy, I've tried supositries -I don't like the taste Rich |
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Subject: RE: BS: Really bad constipation From: MMario Date: 07 Nov 00 - 11:34 AM seriously - try "sipping oils" - a tsp or so of a good olive oil, or walnut oil, or some of the flavoured oils that are out there... three times a day. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Really bad constipation From: kendall Date: 07 Nov 00 - 11:36 AM Castor oil works every time, but, it is VILE!! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Really bad constipation From: sledge Date: 07 Nov 00 - 11:38 AM a good hot curry, curry for breakfast,lunch and supper. Advise people not to stand behind you. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Really bad constipation From: Dave the Gnome Date: 07 Nov 00 - 11:38 AM I tried the supositories as well - for all the good they did I might well have shoved them up my.... If you are anywhere near the north of England try a go on the 'Big One' at Blackpool funfair - certainly put the s**ts up me! Joking aside - I would recommend a visit to the Doctors before trying anything - Don't mess with your internal workings unless you know what you are doing! Cheers and get better soon D the G |
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Subject: RE: BS: Really bad constipation From: sledge Date: 07 Nov 00 - 11:41 AM funny how a subject like this gets people going. :) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Really bad constipation From: Bun Date: 07 Nov 00 - 11:46 AM Not yet it hasn't. I have been rushed alot recently, rushed out of the three sh's and I have a problem dumping elsewhere So theres no need for the MO yet. Caster oil sounds good used to like that when I was a kid Rich |
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Subject: RE: BS: Really bad constipation From: catspaw49 Date: 07 Nov 00 - 11:46 AM Tell ya' what Rich, why doncha' just blow it out your ass? Or try a couple of Brats with a large helping of 'kraut and a side of cole slaw. Spaw |
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Subject: RE: BS: Really bad constipation From: wysiwyg Date: 07 Nov 00 - 11:48 AM Slow news day on the Mudcat.I thought this would be about long page loading times, i.e. stuck load. I suppose for the real thing you could always clear cache-- do it as an act of mental will. Faster browsing? Eeeew. Speed up the processor? Oh I know. You need to see Warren Zevon's doctor: "YOUR SH*T'S F*CKED UP" from his latest CD. Horses are made to "stale" by letting them drink up a whole lot of cold water. Bun, did you really take out a membership JUST to post this thread??? ??? Welcome to the Mudcat ??? ~S~ |
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Subject: RE: BS: Really bad constipation From: catspaw49 Date: 07 Nov 00 - 11:51 AM Oh yeah.....After the brats/kraut/slaw, take two tablespoons of Milk of Magnesia and then follow these directions: 1. Resist rhe urge to fart....could be catastrophic. 2. Do NOT leave the house. 3. Have plent of asswipes in the head. 4. Send your family out of the house. Spaw |
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Subject: RE: BS: Really bad constipation From: okthen Date: 07 Nov 00 - 12:15 PM cakes made from the spent barley, used for brewing, had about 70% success rate; amongst people hospitalised for chronic constipation. being a veritable dustbin of useless information can have it's rewards sometimes hoping this is of use cheers bill |
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Subject: RE: BS: Really bad constipation From: sophocleese Date: 07 Nov 00 - 12:16 PM Asswipes in HEAD?? Spaw!. What did you have in mind? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Really bad constipation From: catspaw49 Date: 07 Nov 00 - 12:30 PM HEAD, as in loo,WC,john,toilet,throne room,restroom,crapper,can,bathroom,library,boom-boom room ..........you know........ ASSWIPES, as in toilet paper, tp, etc. Spaw
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Subject: RE: BS: Really bad constipation From: Little Hawk Date: 07 Nov 00 - 12:30 PM Actually, could be a serious subject. If your bowels ain't working well it will considerably shorten your life. Olive Oil definitely helps. So does drinking plenty of water. You can irrigate the colon with a squeeze syringe full of water or a bag of water suspended on the wall with a tube and syrine coming down. Use warm water, insert, and gravity does the rest. Takes a few minutes. It will definitely get things moving, and it's quite harmless. Emotional blocks can also play a big part. I tried all kinds of dietary stuff at one time, then got into a happy love affair and BINGO! All of a sudden everything was working fine, because I was HAPPY!!! Diet was the same as ever...but with result totally improved. Love really does conquer all. As for laxatives...you use 'em too much and your bowels will become crippled by them and dependent upon them. Not a wise procedure in the long run. Read the alternative literature available in any health food store regarding health of the colon. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Really bad constipation From: Grab Date: 07 Nov 00 - 12:31 PM Top tip is lots of sorbitol. Check out sugar-free Polos or similar sugar-free sweets - they usually contain sorbitol. Eat as many at a time as you can stand (2 or 3 packs of Polos should do), then wait for the fireworks! I found this out by accident... Grab. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Really bad constipation From: kimmers Date: 07 Nov 00 - 12:33 PM You need to rearrange your morning schedule so as to regularly give you plenty of uninterrupted time in the bathroom. That will mean getting up earlier. Then, increase your fiber. This doesn't mean eating sawdust cereal; there are a lot of tasty ways to do it. Beans, whole grains, fresh fruit except bananas. I recommend barley, cooked as a cereal or in a soup, as well as bulgur wheat, cooked and eaten as a side dish or as an ingredient in a cold salad. Dried fruit is great too. Then... stay near a bathroom! A couple of helpings of barley will clean you out, and fast. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Really bad constipation From: Bill D Date: 07 Nov 00 - 01:17 PM I used to have the problem a lot!....Serious miseries....then it changed a few years ago, and if anything tends the other way....but tolerable. I have no real idea exactly why, but diet may be the clue...since I am eating fewer salads and drinking MORE coffee, I have very few problems. I guess that is not something to recommend, but....... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Really bad constipation From: Seamus Kennedy Date: 07 Nov 00 - 02:03 PM Why don't you just g'way and shite??!! Sorry, I couldn't resist. Best of luck with the problem. Seamus |
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Subject: RE: BS: Really bad constipation From: Jimmy C Date: 07 Nov 00 - 02:44 PM Liquid Fleet Enemas or Ducolox Tablets should work, or any of the remedies listed above, although I wouldn't waste good Guinness in this way. They say that a cup of hot water every morning also works, If all else fails you could try listening to some Barry Manilow records. ooch! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Really bad constipation From: mousethief Date: 07 Nov 00 - 03:08 PM For the really serious constipation (talking days here), nothing works like a warm-water enema. Much safer than those chemical methods too. Phenol (the main ingredient in most chemical laxatives) isn't terribly good for you-- which is why your body works so hard to flush it out the back end, thereby ending constipation. To avoid getting constipation in the first place, lots of water and fibrous foods, as has already been mentioned. Back when this was a major problem for me, I was drinking Metamucil (brand name for flavoured psyllium powder) in orange juice twice a day. Bleh. Good luck. Hope it all works out in the end.
Alex
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Subject: RE: BS: Really bad constipation From: Homeless Date: 07 Nov 00 - 03:11 PM Fermented sauerkraut juice from any health food store. Drink about 4 ounces, wait 1/2 hour, and make sure there is a clear line to the bathroom. This is an old trick used by people going on a cleansing fast in order to clear the entire digestive system. BTW - don't let the dog get a drink of this - not even a sip. It will give them really rancid flatulence. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Really bad constipation From: nutty Date: 07 Nov 00 - 03:19 PM No one has mentioned prunes yet. They really do work and the tinned ones are just as effective as the fresh , particularly when eaten with cereal. I have it on good authority that a few pints of brown ale and a curry gives a particularly speedy result. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Really bad constipation From: catspaw49 Date: 07 Nov 00 - 03:21 PM Well geeziz Homeless, do you know a dog that ain't already got rancid flatulence? Spaw |
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Subject: RE: BS: Really bad constipation From: paddymac Date: 07 Nov 00 - 03:51 PM I expect that half the voters will have a purgative experience when resulta are announced later tonight, especially those on the further fringes of their respective parties. 'Spaw - were you a jarhead or a swab jockey in your obviously mis-spent youth? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Really bad constipation From: Allan C. Date: 07 Nov 00 - 04:09 PM In the hospital where I worked we were sometimes called upon to make use of what was called the "Atomic Bomb" enema. It consisted of equal parts (adding up to 300ml) of glycerin, sodium phosphate and Castile soap. It nearly always lived up to its name, producing amazing results. But if there is no particular hurry, just eating all the bran flakes cereal you can hold will take care of most problems. Strange but true: it works well for the "runs" as well. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Really bad constipation From: Frank McGrath Date: 07 Nov 00 - 04:15 PM You could try the old methods of sticking a vacuum cleaner hose up your bum or getting a large fat friend to jump up and down on your tummy. In severe cases however you might try both at the same time. The Catholic church have approved both methods as long as you derive no pleasure from the activity. C-sections work a treat also but you should ask a friend to help and mahe sure you have some strong yarn and a good needle at hand or the aftermath will be more messy than necessary. Glad to be of assistance. Frank McGrath |
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Subject: RE: BS: Really bad constipation From: catspaw49 Date: 07 Nov 00 - 04:38 PM I was never a military "sailor" paddy, but I've been a sailor most of my life. Its true though, we can never say words that aren't cutesy though. I use head, but as I noted there are a ton of others. I guess we're all a little anal retentive or something. Like the old Lenny routine:
Say, can you tell me where the, uh, little boy's room is? Spaw
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Subject: RE: BS: Really bad constipation From: Liz the Squeak Date: 07 Nov 00 - 06:25 PM Bun, I hope you are still with this! How are you doing?? Whilst pregnant I used to drink lots of the orange flavoured bran drink mentioned earlier, but under the brand name of fibogel... Soon as I stopped taking it, I stopped throwing up as well..... Don't recommend a C section as a cure though. Not nice. I've taken to eating a bag of mixed nuts and raisins - nice and tasty, better for you than chocolate, and very pickable.... Good luck and you might want to put one of those toilet rolls in the fridge for later.... LTS |
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Subject: RE: BS: Really bad constipation From: Liz the Squeak Date: 07 Nov 00 - 06:29 PM Those weight loss milk drinks work a treat too, lots of fibre, not too bad a taste, and they have lots of vitamins in too. It basically helps you lose weight by making you "go" more - thus using up the extra water you may be storing. Works the same way for the other too. Oh, and drink plenty of ordinary liquid for general lubrication. And never get a woman who has been pregnant into a conversation about constipation!!! You may end up trying the Bookshop remedy - walk into any book store and you will really need to go! Happens to me even now! LTS |
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Subject: RE: BS: Really bad constipation From: Peter Kasin Date: 07 Nov 00 - 06:44 PM For the immediate - Dulcolax, mentioned earlier, is very strong. Seeing a doctor first, as suggested, is good advice. For preventive measures: 1. Excercise. Bedridden people often suffer from constipation because of a lack of excercise. 2. Keep yourself hydrated. Drink at least eight glasses of water per day. 3. Cut down on salt. Salt promotes constipation. 4. Soft drinks/caffeine promote constipation. 5. Eat more fiber.Cereals, whole grain breads. Good luck. These lifestyle/diet changes should go a long way in preventing this. But, again, check with a doctor to make sure there isn't another problem that's causing this, and to make sure a strong laxative like Dulcolax is safe for you, as suggested in another post. -chanteyranger |
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Subject: RE: BS: Really bad constipation From: kimmers Date: 07 Nov 00 - 06:48 PM I've noticed the bookstore/library effect myself, and I've never been pregnant. Maybe it's a side effect of reading in the bathroom so much? So, just go in there with a really good book and lock the door... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Really bad constipation From: DougR Date: 07 Nov 00 - 07:39 PM I really wonder if there is a subject on earth that Mudcatters are not expert in. Constipation. Now that beats the condom thread, in my opinion. DougR |
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Subject: RE: BS: Really bad constipation From: wysiwyg Date: 07 Nov 00 - 07:43 PM Spaw, Sugar Dog does not do rancids, she poots. All sugar dogs poot, I think, or some other equivalently sweet and cute thing. Just ask any sugar dog man. Sugar dogs don't snore, either, they rest loudly or less loudly. Frank, et al-- people have actually tried hoses, both sucking and blowing, and died. That was a dangerous joke. People actually DO things they read. Gang?? Am I the only one who thinks it's just a little odd to have a brand-new member named BUN asking about SH*T???? Bun? You posting on any other threads? Wanna mosey on over to the New Members' thread and introduce yourself if you ain't yet? If you fer real, I love to get to know you! ~Susan |
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Subject: RE: BS: Really bad constipation From: GUEST,old fart Date: 07 Nov 00 - 09:09 PM Are you sure you are constipated or is that you just don't give a shit?!? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Really bad constipation From: MMario Date: 07 Nov 00 - 09:17 PM Praise, you may be right, as BUN has posted exactly three times, all on this thread. But let's give him/her the benefit of the doubt for now. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Really bad constipation From: Little Hawk Date: 07 Nov 00 - 10:35 PM My dog resents your comment, Spaw! Mind you, he usually seems to resent your comments... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Really bad constipation From: Bugsy Date: 07 Nov 00 - 11:09 PM You can't STILL be constipated!
Bugsy |
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Subject: RE: BS: Really bad constipation From: wysiwyg Date: 08 Nov 00 - 01:22 AM MMario, I ain't worried about being right, and I did post with the doubt benefit added. I just think that if this is one of the vanishing new members who isn't really a new member at all, and wanted to see if we'd all post helpful, self-revelatory sh*t (hahahhh!) it's one of the better runs at this sort of thing (runs!!!) and so I am kinda intrigued about it as a phenomenon. And I was ready for some light stuff too, and I think either waya it's clear-- his problem is just that as Warren Zevon sez, his Sh*t's F*cked Up. To tell you the truth (just between us, MMario), sometimes I am tempted to try a few hijinks myself. But (sigh) for the good of the forum (sigh) I always resist. Well usually I do. And if it is really a new member, I am equally fascinated. I mean Spaw is getting kinda old. Maybe he could use a little support... you know, not an apprentice ezzackly, that's not fair to Bun, but two or three like Spaw could be interesting. Maybe Bun is his cousin??? See, I USED to think there was no one like Spaw, but then he suggested I get to know Cletus and Paw, and I realized there could be a lot more like that out there than I had contemplated. So Bun? Wow!!! Constipated huh?? No shit!!! Oh and that Freddie guy would be brand new, too, although he has posted to other threads-- so welcome, LFF(aw)! ~Susan |
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Subject: RE: BS: Really bad constipation From: Bun Date: 08 Nov 00 - 03:48 AM Thanks guys, cant post too much as the hardware comes from way back..............6 pints of guiness and two spoonfuls of good old slippery elm - thats the recipe if you want to dump mountains. Am I for real? - you would have known for sure if you went to the "Tinkle-Dinkle, Ha-Ha, Room" at my home after me! Yes I am for real, but as I said cant post too much as I get real intolerant watching the damned egg timer. Now I'm here you'll be hearing from me from time to time, catch you later and thanks Rich |
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Subject: RE: BS: Really bad constipation From: GUEST,micca at work Date: 08 Nov 00 - 07:14 AM As no one has mentioned it ,I will, the real King of laxatives is a chemical called phenolphthalein ( a component in some laxatives)..It is so effective it will take the lining out of your stomach and is used as an indicatorfor alkalis in labs, If you inadvertently lick your fingers after handling the bottle you can wind up spending Hours "communing with the porcelain". The dosage is about 30 mgs,, that is 30/1000ths of a gram (depending on body weight, NB this is total not per Kg of body weight) " Has the bottom dropped out of your world, take phenolphthalein and feel the world drop out of your bottom" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Really bad constipation From: Bun Date: 08 Nov 00 - 08:57 AM Micca, I think I'll stick to the slippery elm and guiness, and the world has continued to drop out of my bottom all day Rich |
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Subject: RE: BS: Really bad constipation From: wysiwyg Date: 08 Nov 00 - 11:37 AM At our house we like to make up commercials for non-existent products. Please forgive me for not introducing this product sooner-- I think Micca just gave the formula and that jogged my mind-- Need some help to get going? VA-VOOM! Has the bottom dropped out of your world, take VA-VOOM! and feel the world drop out of your bottom! I'm sure I wrote about this in some other thread but I just can't remember sh*t today! Think I'll sign off soon and go do some scat-singing! Gotta go! ~S~ |
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Subject: RE: BS: Really bad constipation From: catspaw49 Date: 08 Nov 00 - 04:53 PM Just so you don't get the "Va-Voom" mixed up with the cough drops. Spaw |
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Subject: RE: BS: Really bad constipation From: Liz the Squeak Date: 08 Nov 00 - 06:16 PM Did you know that most people who die in the bathroom (yes, that includes Elvis and the Emperor Claudius), die of heart attacks or strokes or anneurisms brought on by straining too hard to "go"..... Bad joke time. A train travelling at speed is suddenly halted by someone pulling on the communication cord (emergency brake). The guards hunt down the train until they find a man locked in a lavatory, who pulled the cord. They enquire as to the problem. "I've got piles", he wails. The guards look each other up and down.... "Well so have I" says one guard, "that doesn't mean I can get away with pulling the communication cord whenever they get troublesome!" "Ah, but yours aren't wrapped around the axle....." LTS |
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Subject: RE: BS: Really bad constipation From: Mrs.Duck Date: 08 Nov 00 - 06:36 PM Last time I eook castor oil I had TWINS!!! I haven't touched the stuff since but by god did it do the trick! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Really bad constipation From: catspaw49 Date: 08 Nov 00 - 09:34 PM Well Liz, a lot of things happen on trains. This guy had to go real bad but the toilet was broken and he couldn't use it. In a panic, the only thing he could think of was to hang his ass out the window and "let fly." The train was travelling along a rural section of track and two bums were walking along the tracks as the train passed with the guy's butt hanging out the window. Both of them are hit and splattered and knocked to the ground. As they get to their feet the one bum says, "Gawddam!! What the hell kinda' tobacco was that guy chewin'?" The other turns to him and with a look of awe said, "I dunno'....But did you see the lips on that motherfucker?" Spaw |
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Subject: RE: BS: Really bad constipation From: Rick Fielding Date: 08 Nov 00 - 10:21 PM Bun. Since no one mentioned it. I've long been familiar with "slippery elm". Not as a constipation remedy (Kellogs Bran flakes work fine for me) but as the main ingredient in the arsenal (sorry Spaw) of all the old time spit ball pitchers. Read an article years ago by retired pitcher Burleigh Grimes (REALLY retired...like circa 1935) in which he talked about the effects of slippery elm on his fast ball ("the darn thing would jump and dip like a drunken flea....") Sorry folks. I know this isn't terribly relevent, but I DO love baseball as much as my instruments! Rick |
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Subject: RE: BS: Really bad constipation From: catspaw49 Date: 08 Nov 00 - 10:30 PM Well let me tie it in for you Rick. I'll bet that pitch gave a lot of batters the shits! and come to think of it, most of us would likely lose control standing in a batters box while Roger throws 97 mph fastballs at us......or bats for that matter. Spaw |
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Subject: RE: BS: Really bad constipation From: alison Date: 08 Nov 00 - 11:59 PM Best fruit to eat for constipation is a pear..... even better than prunes (and pleasanter)...... for really bad cases the old "soap and water" enemas are hard to beat...... you'll need a good friend, a funnel and tube, and a big bucket....... mix up some soap, (we used "green" soap in hospitals.. back when I did this sort of thing... ah the joys of being a student nurse!!! this and flatus tubes had to be the worst..... *grin*)... but I suppose something like "simple" would do....... mix in tepid water...... lubricate and insert tube..... attach funnel to other end.. and slowly pour in the liquid...... when it's in.... lower the tube into the bucket and excess fluid will run out....... (lovely)..... repeat process a few more times... try to hold on for as long as you can.. then run to the loo..... then get to work on your diet and water intake..... good luck slainte alison |
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Subject: RE: BS: Really bad constipation From: Patrish(inactive) Date: 09 Nov 00 - 03:55 AM I remember being given an enema before the birth of my son Tom. They did the neccessary and very kindly put a sign on the nearest loo saying "do not use". I was told to hold it in as long as possible and then go. This I did, but when I got to my assigned loo someone was in it(an asian lady who did not understand english) So I had to find another one. I sucked my bum cheeks together sooooo............ hard and did a kind of "ministry of funny walks" down the corridor, wearing one of those hospital gowns - open at the back - all toilets were in use - till I was ushered into the sluice room. I had to use a very large sink, the logistics were difficult as I was 9+ months pregnant. Thank god there was no back to the gown - I just sat in the sink and let go. When I went back to my bed, I got a round of applause from some of the staff and patients Patrish |
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Subject: RE: BS: Really bad constipation From: Liz the Squeak Date: 09 Nov 00 - 05:06 PM Truly an enema of the people!!! Think I just cured my little problem by laughing at that!! Thank heavens I didn't have that trouble when I was in that condition..... although using a bed pan whilst entirely supine and with a large cut across the lower abdomen was a feat of gymnastics I very nearly didn't make!! Shall we start a thread about how nice the weather is now? LTS |