Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Donuel Date: 12 May 23 - 04:49 PM If you cannoli allow yourself to get pasta yourself. |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Donuel Date: 12 May 23 - 04:45 PM Instead of honestly being all about my creations... Some might call you sassy or perhaps cold. I don't want to get into your metaphorical car or break through your dishonesty wall but in fact you are in desperate need of; a new diet, Cephelexin or Augmentin long term for chronic cellulitis, and precautions while gardening before your elevens are up. If you think I'm wrong try effectively swinging a pick ax. Don't kill yourself. No joke. Thats only physical advice. Personality wise I see no hope. Still, try to see the right thing to do and just do it this summer. Time's a'wastin. |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 12 May 23 - 01:06 PM He needs to give himself paws for thought. I haven't seen a single claws in any of his posts that's been up to scratch. All just fake mews. The man who invented cats' eyes to light up the road said that he was inspired when he saw the reflection of bright light from a real cat's eyes. Had the cat been facing the other way he would have invented the pencil sharpener. |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: gillymor Date: 12 May 23 - 10:50 AM Maybe not but you seem to be feline pretty good about yourself. |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 12 May 23 - 10:34 AM ...mind you, I'm not purrrfect |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 12 May 23 - 09:41 AM I think he's barking mad, Steve. |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: gillymor Date: 12 May 23 - 08:09 AM Not funny ,Don, just creepy. |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 12 May 23 - 07:42 AM But have you got any jokes for this thread? I think I've just turned into a cat. Don't ask meow... |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Donuel Date: 12 May 23 - 07:36 AM A depressed male frog was sitting in a pond feeling sad. He decides to go to a prophet in hopes of knowing his fortune. The prophet old him, “You will meet a pretty girl that wants to know everything about you.” Excited, the male frog questions the prophet, “Where will I meet her? In the pond? Perhaps a swamp?” The prophet continued, “No, you will meet her 2 months from now in biology class.”. Nostrildumbass was a coke-head prophet. With a bad supply He began to die of a bad case of an empty wallet |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Charmion's brother Andrew Date: 10 May 23 - 11:37 AM Sam goes to a comparative religion seminar with very mixed clergy. A Christian priest comes up to him, lays his hands on him and says, "My son, by the grace of Jesus Christ, you will walk today. Sam smiles and replies "There is nothing wrong with my feet, Father, I am not paralyzed." Then a rabbi came over and put a hand on Sam's shoulder saying, "By the will of Ashem, you will walk today, my son." Sam, unamused, replies "There is nothing wrong with me." Then a mullah comes over and touches him and says "If Allah wills it, you walk today." Sam, now somewhat perturbed, replies "There is nothing wrong with me." Then a Buddhist monk came over, bowed slightly and says "By Hammidah Buddha, you will walk today." Now rudely Sam shouts "There is nothing wrong with me. You are all pandering charlatans!" And with that Sam angrily leaves the seminar. Upon going outside, Sam discovers his car has been stolen. [Does this one have a number? I couldn't find it.] |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: gillymor Date: 04 May 23 - 09:31 AM whoa! |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Mrrzy Date: 04 May 23 - 09:06 AM Why couldn't Luke find love? He was looking in Alderan places! May the Fourth be with you all! |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Mrrzy Date: 04 May 23 - 09:02 AM So claim the meatless... |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: gillymor Date: 04 May 23 - 07:54 AM It ain't da meat it's da motion. |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 04 May 23 - 04:08 AM It's not the size of the wand, old chap... |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Donuel Date: 03 May 23 - 08:56 PM Sorry to hear you are finger sized. |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 02 May 23 - 06:26 PM I asked my girlfriend if I could put my finger in her belly button and she said yes. Whoooaa, She sez. That's not my belly button. It's OK I replied. It's not my finger either... |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: BobL Date: 02 May 23 - 03:19 AM Seems Don forgot to include the punchline of the numbered jokes story, so here it is. A new guy joins in a joke session and, when his turn comes, yells "321!" Everyone falls about laughing. "We've not heard that one before" explains an old lag. |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Mrrzy Date: 01 May 23 - 08:37 PM Bwahaha! I am reminded of a bit from Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR news quiz: Question to panelist: what are people doing a lot more in old folks' homes than in prior years? (Banter and wrong guesses about sex) Answer: getting high. (Apparently the aging hippies are getting older.) Quip from panelist: I got the munchies, Martha! Where are my teeth? |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 01 May 23 - 06:11 PM An old lady in a care home is riding in her electric wheelchair up and down her corridor. All of a sudden, an old man leaps out of his room and says to her, "Madam, you were speeding. May I see your driving licence, please?" She rummages in her handbag, finds a sweet wrapper and hands it to him. He examines it and says to her, "Well, just a warning this time..." The next day she's riding up and down again. He leaps out of his room and says, "Madam, you were driving without due care. May I see your licence, please?" After another rummage she finds an old receipt and hands it to him. "Very well, I'll let you off this time but please take more care..." The next day she's doing the same thing. This time he leaps out of his room stark naked with a huge erection. "Oh no," she exclaimed, "Not the bloody breathalyser again..." |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Bill D Date: 01 May 23 - 02:24 PM A guy is driving, and his car is weaving all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?" "I've been to the pub," slurs the drunk. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the man. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf." |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 01 May 23 - 12:44 PM So what mental condition does a person suffer from who continually posts to a joke thread with things that are not jokes? |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Donuel Date: 01 May 23 - 11:55 AM Forgetful repetition can be a symptom of dementia. Prisoners with long sentences number their jokes to simplify repetition. You guys just told 144 and 405 again. |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Georgiansilver Date: 01 May 23 - 10:09 AM Ernie was admitted to his care home many years ago. He had for those many years talked about his sexual desires not being met or encouraged and most people thought it to be a joke. He was a very pleasant mannered man and very easy going. Always sympathetic towards the staff and helpful when he could be with the residents. He was an eighty nine year old, still talking about his lack of sexual activity, so when his ninetieth Birthday came along, the staff got together to try to arrange something they thought he would really appreciate. One ingenious member of staff suggested that they hire a 'strippagram' lady, to give him a thrill on his big day and this quickly became an established idea. The Senior staff, contacted a lady who advertised locally and the scene was set. On his big day, Ernie was conveniently sat at a table, across from the main door to the dining room, where his party was being held. As his Birthday cake was being brought around and the wine and sherry distributed, the music started and Ernie looked up to see where it was coming from, only to see a scantily clad woman crossing the floor towards him. She moved quickly to where Ernie was sat and pranced sexily round him, for a few minutes, until the music stopped. She looked him straight in the eyes and he very loudly asked 'What do you want'?..... She smiled a broad sexy smile and replied 'I've come to give you Supersexxxxxxxxx'!!!!. He paused for a few seconds then replied ' I think I'll have the soup'. |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 30 Apr 23 - 05:59 PM An old boy ended up in a care home for the elderly. After a few weeks his relatives asked the staff how he was getting on. "He's fantastic!" said the matron. "The only thing is that he has this habit of keeling over sideways when he's sitting in a chair, and he needs someone next to him to make sure he doesn't fall over and push him back upright. Apart from that, we love him!" So his relatives were really happy to hear that, then they went to his room. "How are you doing? They asked him. "Oh, I love it here," he replied. Everything's great, the food the company, the care, everything! But there's just one little thing..." "Oh, really? What's that then?" "Well, they won't let me fart..." |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Mrrzy Date: 30 Apr 23 - 02:09 PM Lol, both of those last two! Three mischievous old Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home When an old Grandpa John, walked by. And the one old granny yelled out saying, "We bet we can tell exactly how old you are." John said, "There is no way you can guess it, you old fools." The second old lady said, "Sure we can! - Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age." Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, John dropped his drawers. One of the old aunties asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times. Then the three of them all piped up and said, "You're 87 years old!" Standing with his pants down around his ankles, John asked, "How in the world did you guess?" Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, all the old girls happily yelled in unison... "We were at your birthday party yesterday!" |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Joe_F Date: 29 Apr 23 - 06:24 PM A Frenchman and an American were chatting, and the Frenchman mentioned that he had recently left the Catholic Church. The American asked what Protestant denomination he might be joining. "I have lost my faith", said the Frenchman, "Not my mind". |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 29 Apr 23 - 05:28 PM What do we want? A CURE FOR TOURETTES! When do we want it? CUNT! (May the good Lord forgive me...) |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: G-Force Date: 29 Apr 23 - 11:55 AM A beggar approached a rich man on the street and asked him for a few bob. He replied 'neither a borrower nor a lender be (Shakespeare)'. The beggar replied 'cunt (D H Lawrence)'. |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 29 Apr 23 - 05:42 AM A Two Ronnies one from the Guardian: Two men in the pub. Ronnie 1: Well how have you been, Fred? Ronnie 2: Not too good Bert. I was riding my bike and slipped off the saddle and hit the bar on my, you know, down there... Ronnie 1: Rectum? Ronnie 2: Well it didn't do 'em any good... |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: MaJoC the Filk Date: 28 Apr 23 - 11:49 AM Meanwhile, back at the jokes: Seen on a note in front of a dead computer (awaiting replacement of a fried I/O board): UNDER TREATMENT. To which was added, by a fellow staff member: NIL BY MOUSE. |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: MaJoC the Filk Date: 28 Apr 23 - 11:37 AM Don't get between a sheep, however dead-looking, and her lamb: Geoffrey Howe's resignation speech was a masterclass in vengeance served cold. A subsequent Steve Bell cartoon in the Grauniad showed Maggie Hatchett swinging from a noose, with Howe (as a sheep) holding onto her legs, and Michael Heseltine (dressed as Tarzan) using them to swing from tree to tree. |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 28 Apr 23 - 09:12 AM I could have sworn I typed "Healey..." |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 28 Apr 23 - 08:19 AM And while we're on political epigrams, let's not forget Denis Healy, who said, of debating with Geoffrey Howe, that it was "like being savaged by a dead sheep." He also said of John Prescott that "he has the face of a man who clubs baby seals.” |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 28 Apr 23 - 08:12 AM :-) |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: MaJoC the Filk Date: 28 Apr 23 - 04:59 AM > "A politician is a person who will lay down your life for his > country." Towards the end of his premiership, prime minister Harold Macmillan conducted a cabinet purge, known at the time as the Night of the Long Knives. According to the Beeb's retrospective article:
|
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 28 Apr 23 - 04:39 AM "Etymologists agree..." Classic weasel words. My friend offered to let me borrow two of his ermines at a price, which I accepted. He is now the lessor of two weasels. |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Donuel Date: 27 Apr 23 - 08:35 PM Etymologists agree punch lines remain a mystery, although there are a few ideas about where they might have come from like how funny it is to punch a guy 10 inches below the belly button. |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 27 Apr 23 - 07:48 PM Sounds great. What's the punchline? |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Donuel Date: 27 Apr 23 - 07:06 PM No one on the web gets sarcasm. A new hysterical game show is Rob Reiner's 'NAME THAT NAME', All contestants must be seventy or older. |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 27 Apr 23 - 05:19 PM ...And the punchline is...? Well I've dug up another one, against my better judgement, that might help to educate Donuel as to how to imbue one's political jokes with at least a smidgen of humour. Yes you can have sarcasm. Yes you can even have cynicism. You may groan rather than titter. But anyway, here's one for him. "A politician is a person who will lay down your life for his country." |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Donuel Date: 27 Apr 23 - 05:03 PM Biden may be on the older side but it takes wisdom to keep the Kaiser in check. He won't sexually harass Greta Garbo and Jean Harlow. He stays fit doing Mall walking and line walker dancing at home. Sometimes when he's really frisky he'll turn the LP phonograph up. |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 27 Apr 23 - 03:56 PM Yes, he did say that, but he said it about a really excellent man, which Ronnie was decidedly not. I'm far too humble to see parallels. |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Donuel Date: 27 Apr 23 - 02:45 PM "There you go again" Ronald Reagan |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Steve Shaw Date: 27 Apr 23 - 12:49 PM Donuel, this is a difficult task, especially as it's you, but allow me to apprise you of how to get at least a faint titter out of political jokes. Try these two: "The word politics comes from 'poly', meaning 'many', and 'ticks', meaning 'bloodsucking parasites.'" Geddit? Did I detect a faint titter? If that didn't work, try this Ronnie Raygun one, allegedly a genuine quote: "I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency, even if I'm in a Cabinet meeting..." See what the rules are? Simple! No twisted, bitter cynicism. An attempt at humour. If you make it up yourself (incredibly ill-advised in your case), try it out on a critical but sympathetic friend (if you have one) before trying it out in public. And one last thing you've yet to absorb: you cannot have a joke about Donald Trump. Go on, give it a whirl! |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: gillymor Date: 27 Apr 23 - 12:22 PM To quote Lennon and McCartney, "can't get no worse". (Sorry, Dave, we'll split the royalties.) |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Donuel Date: 27 Apr 23 - 11:49 AM I give MOAB the better version/variation. |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: MaJoC the Filk Date: 27 Apr 23 - 11:36 AM *Bzzt* Repetition. |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 27 Apr 23 - 09:38 AM ...or as I have said before. Bit like a joke but without the funny bit at the end :-D |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023 From: gillymor Date: 27 Apr 23 - 08:38 AM That one looked more like a joke, all it lacked was the humor component. |