BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011

Subject: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 01 Jan 11 - 04:12 PM

Pay Attention to Biology Class

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom.

One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me (again with the sarcasm!)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

"Well, isn't that just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"OK, OK." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (More sarcasm? Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured.

"Mr. And Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us.

"This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't ever going to happen: Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they ...um... masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this. "So, Ernie's just... just...."

"Excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly!" the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. "It's just that I'm picturing you pulling on its its teeny little...." She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have no idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class. Lizards lay eggs.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: framus
Date: 01 Jan 11 - 07:49 PM

Uncle - You're recycling! It's still droll, though.
Davy.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Naemanson
Date: 01 Jan 11 - 11:43 PM

Today is, according to the Mexicans, the Japanese and the Koreans, one of four days that a dog can clearly state the date. According to their cultures dogs do not go bow-wow, they say wan-wan. So today the date is wan, wan, wan-wan.

The next three are: wan, wan-wan, wan-wan; wan-wan, wan, wan-wan; and wan-wan, wan-wan, wan-wan.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: GUEST,Guest from Sanity
Date: 01 Jan 11 - 11:54 PM

Read this aloud, to someone...if you are alone, still read it aloud!!!!!




They actually have a Chili Cook Off about the time Halloween comes around.
It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.
Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili Taster named Frank, who was visiting
from Springfield, IL

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and,
besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
accepted."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

*****************************************************
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI..
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 3 - FRED'S BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Ba rmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting drunk from all of the beer.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste bud s? Sally, the beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
*****************************************************
CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using sh redded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.
It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems incline d to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my rearend with a snow cone.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...< /FONT>
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report




GfS

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: framus
Date: 02 Jan 11 - 12:57 AM

You are not a well man, sir.
Is sanity really part of your name?

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: GUEST,Guest from Sanity
Date: 02 Jan 11 - 01:01 AM

No, its where I'm from.....why?..Did you like it?..or not?

GfS

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Naemanson
Date: 02 Jan 11 - 04:23 AM

Thanks for the chili story. I was telling my wife about it the other day but could not do it justice from memory.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: GUEST,Guest from Sanity
Date: 02 Jan 11 - 01:31 PM

You have to read it to her, out loud...............if you can make it through it!

GfS

P.S...Which is half the fun!!!

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Bill D
Date: 02 Jan 11 - 01:53 PM

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

T hen he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, the old Muslim woman says."You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,


"I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !!"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Bill D
Date: 02 Jan 11 - 01:57 PM

During a company's recent password audit, it was found that a blonde employee was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"

When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Bill D
Date: 02 Jan 11 - 02:04 PM

from Peter Schmuck, a Baltimore sports writer, concerning the indictment of Roger Clemens:

"Isn't it great to live in a society where the penalty for lying to a congressman can be up to 30 years in jail; but the penalty for a congressman lying to you is another two years in office."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: GUEST,Guest from Sanity
Date: 02 Jan 11 - 02:42 PM

Bill, The last one is sooo true! Too bad, that that one resembles the truth, so closely!!!

GfS

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Dharmabum
Date: 02 Jan 11 - 05:05 PM

Sometime this year, American taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic   Stimulus' payment.

   This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by   using a Q & A format:


   Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?

   A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.


   Q.. Where will the government get this money ?

   A. From taxpayers.


   Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?

   A. Only a smidgen of it.


   Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?

   A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.


   Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?

   A. Shut up.


   Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:      

       * If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka ..


       * If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.


       * If you purchase a computer, it will go to India , Taiwan or China .
      

       * If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico,   Honduras and Guatemala ...
      

       * If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea .
   

       * If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .
   

       * If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.


   Instead, keep the money in America by:

   1) Spending it at yard sales, or   

   2) Going to ball games, or   

   3) Spending it on prostitutes, or   

   4) Beer or   

   5) Tattoos.


   (These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S. )



   Conclusion:

   Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day !


   No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: framus
Date: 02 Jan 11 - 05:35 PM

Third attempt to apologise to Guest. Sorry, I just didn't understand it. Maybe because I'm a paddy and need the help more than you.
Cheers, Davy.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: GUEST, topsie
Date: 02 Jan 11 - 05:50 PM

I don't understand it either - is it some kind of transatlantic humour [humor] that doesn't travel?

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: framus
Date: 02 Jan 11 - 06:03 PM

He's probably a very nice bloke, though.
Perhaps we should send Alan Coren's Sanity Inspector round to see him.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: GUEST,Guest from Sanity
Date: 02 Jan 11 - 10:29 PM

Sorry you two didn't 'get it'..but you're probably right...those in the UK probably wouldn't get all the nuances.


GfS

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: GUEST,Guest from Sanity
Date: 02 Jan 11 - 10:43 PM

Dharmabum, Your post was a sad delight...because it is so true....of course, anyone that agrees, will probably be branded a Republican bigot!

GfS

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 03 Jan 11 - 12:12 AM

Our overseas friends might understand it better if it was a vindaloo contest.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 04 Jan 11 - 08:40 AM

He said... 'Darling, it's no good you watching that cookery programme... you can't cook"
She said "Well you watch porn"!!!

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Dharmabum
Date: 04 Jan 11 - 02:37 PM

An elderly Amish couple are traveling down the road in their horse & buggy when they get pulled over by a state trooper.
The trooper orders the old man down & directs him behind the buggy.

"Now,I pulled you over because your reflector is about to fall off the back of your wagon"Said the trooper.
"But, when I walked up front,I couldn't help but notice that you've got a rope tied around that horses testicles".
"I'm gonna let you off with a warning this time,but don't let me catch you again with these violations".

The Amish gentleman agrees,& climbs back into the buggy.
As he settles into his seat,his wife turns & says,"What was that all about?"
"Well,the officer says my reflector is falling off,& there's something wrong with my emergency brake".

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 07 Jan 11 - 07:21 PM

"Cooking Blonde"

Mr. & Mrs. Smith have been back from their honeymoon
for two weeks when Mr. Smith comes home from work
and says that he has invited four of his friends from the
office home for dinner on Friday night. The blonde wife is a bit
apprehensive and asks if she must cook a meal for the
four. The husband explains that there will be eight
coming because each will bring his wife.

Since this is their first party, the husband consoles her
by saying that all she has to do is get some Chinese
food in and perhaps she can bake a cake.

This sounds like a good idea, and they sit down and
decide what Chinese food to get.

Friday morning wife calls the office in tears. She explains
that the only cake recipe she has will only feed six.

Hubby says, "Why don't you just double the recipe?"
She decides that is a good idea.

At four, hubby gets another phone call -- this time
quite frantic.

"I just can't do it," wifey weeps. "It's impossible."

"Now, now, what's the matter?"

"Well, their recipe calls for two eggs..."

"So, you use FOUR eggs. Don't you have them?"

"Yes -- then it needs four cups of flour."

"Well," hubby says rather testily, "you will have to
use eight cups of flour --what is the problem?"

"It isn't the ingredients," wife sobs. "It says that the
cake must be baked at 350 degrees, and I have
checked the oven, and I can't turn the heat up to
700 degrees!"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: framus
Date: 07 Jan 11 - 09:53 PM

Bloke leans 3 shovels against a wall and says to Paddy "Take your pick."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 08 Jan 11 - 07:09 AM

Shamelessly nicked from TheSession:

What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?



Iron Man is a superhero and Iron Woman is an instruction.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 19 Jan 11 - 12:53 PM

Accident Investigation

"The Last Thing"

A terrific explosion occurs in a gunpowder factory,
and once all the mess has been cleared up, an
inquiry begins.

One of the few survivors is pulled up to make a
statement. "Okay, Simpson," says the investigator,
"You were near the scene - what happened?"

"Well, it's like this. Old Charley was in the mixing
room, and I saw him take a cigarette out of his
pocket and light up."

"He was smoking in the mixing room?" the investigator
said in stunned horror, "How long had he been with
the company?"

"About twenty years, sir"

"Twenty years in the company, then he goes and strikes a
match in the mixing room? I'd have thought that would
have been the last thing he'd have done."

"It was, sir."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 19 Jan 11 - 03:51 PM

True story (not a joke): I have a friend who was a school principal in Burlington, Iowa. Once, maybe a dozen years ago, I asked him what problems he was dealing with lately.

He said, "Kids bringing guns to school."

I said, "What? In Burlington, Iowa? I would have thought this would be the last place that would happen!"

"It is," he answered.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Joe_F
Date: 19 Jan 11 - 06:33 PM

Why is it that whenever you're looking for something, it's always in the last place you think of?

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Bill D
Date: 19 Jan 11 - 07:25 PM

...because...... **you stop looking!!** Ta-dum!~! *grin*

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Bill D
Date: 19 Jan 11 - 07:53 PM

A postal clerk was assigned to process all the mail that came in with illegible or incorrect addresses. One day, a letter for God arrived. It had no real address, just "To God, General Delivery," written with a shaky hand. The clerk opened it to see what it was about:
Dear God,

I am an 83-year-old widow living on a very small pension.

Yesterday, someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I've invited two of my friends over for dinner.

I have no family to turn to. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. You are my only hope.

Can you please help me?

Sincerely,

Edna

The clerk was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her pocket and came up with a few dollars. By the time he had finished making the rounds, he'd collected $96, which he put into an envelope and sent to Edna. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of the old lady and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter addressed to God arrived. All the workers gathered around to read it:
Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?

Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day, and I told my friends of your wonderful and timely blessing.

By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.

Sincerely,

Edna

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Bill D
Date: 19 Jan 11 - 07:54 PM

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home."

"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"

"Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked.

"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "Previously, it would take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Bill D
Date: 19 Jan 11 - 08:02 PM

"A study in Italy showed that people who eat a lot of pizza
are less likely to get colon cancer. And another study says
masturbation reduces risk of prostate cancer. It's what I've
always said: Diet and exercise." --Jay Leno

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Micca
Date: 19 Jan 11 - 08:59 PM

What about the dyslexic tatoo artist? Got his nose broken by a biker customer when he put "Late" and "Hove" on the bikers knuckles!!

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Mrrzy
Date: 19 Jan 11 - 11:35 PM

Someone asked a blonde sheila about Roe v. Wade, and she said she didn't know how they were getting out of Queensland...

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 21 Jan 11 - 05:26 AM

Has it ever occurred to you that the one thing you can't buy in a sex shop is sex?

~Michael~

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Michael
Date: 21 Jan 11 - 08:32 AM

You obviously only frequent the posh ones Michael.

Mike

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 21 Jan 11 - 10:39 AM

"Did He?"

One day my young daughter and I were listening
to an old tune by Simon and Garfunkel.

When the song finished, she asked me, "Well, did
he?"

"Did he what?"

"Did Parsley save Rosemary in time?" she asked.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 21 Jan 11 - 10:57 AM

Two little boys come down for breakfast, the mother says to the first one " what would you like for breakfast ? " he replies, " I'll have a fucking egg " she gives him such a clout he falls off his buffet and she glowers at the other kid and says " AND WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR BREAKFAST ? " he says, " I don't want a fucking egg "

Dave H

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: framus
Date: 21 Jan 11 - 01:51 PM

The dyslexic masochist who asked a hooker to golf him?

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 21 Jan 11 - 02:05 PM

A little boy is fascinated with watching the bricklayers who are building a new house down the street. The bricklayers take a liking to the boy, but they think it's too dangerous to allow him to hang around a construction site, so they send him home with a load of bricks so he can play with them in his backyard.

His mother is touched by the bricklayers' generosity, and proud of her son. She watches as he starts to build a wall in the yard. She asks, "Can I help?"

He says, "Yeah. Hold the other end of this string so I can line up my wall."

She does so, while he sights along the string. He says, "Move it over just a cunt-hair."

She is shocked. She says, "Is that the kind of language you pick up from those heathens? I will not allow this. I want you to take all these bricks back where you got them right now!"

He says, "Fuck you! That's a hod-carrier's job."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Dharmabum
Date: 21 Jan 11 - 04:13 PM

Dear God,

All I ask for in 2011 is a big, fat bank account and a slim body.

please don't mix these up like you did last year.

Amen.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: GUEST,999
Date: 21 Jan 11 - 04:15 PM

Dyslexics untie!

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Dharmabum
Date: 21 Jan 11 - 04:18 PM

He grasped me firmly but gently just above my elbow and guided me
into a room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone.

He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear.

"Just relax."

Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my calves slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat.

I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so experienced, so sure.

When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage. And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply. Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine and into my panties.


Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A man not used to taking `no' for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say ...

"Okay, ma'am, all done."

My eyes snapped open and he was standing in front of me, smiling, holding out my purse. "You can board your flight now."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 22 Jan 11 - 03:57 PM

Airline Flight Crew for the 21st Century

An elderly woman was going on a plane trip. After being seated, she said to the flight attendant, "This is my first trip, and I'm so thrilled, I would like to go meet the pilot to make sure sure he's a good pilot."

"Ma'am," the attendant replied, "Our pilot is one of the best, and she's a woman."

The little old lady said, "That's just great!"

The flight attendant added "Our co-pilot is a woman too."

The woman passenger beamed. She became quite excited when the flight attendant said "Our navigator is a woman too."

The passenger replied, "Oh, that's all wonderful! May I go to the cockpit and meet them all?"

"Ma'am," the attendant says, "we no longer refer to it as a cockpit...."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 26 Jan 11 - 03:52 PM

"Luck"

A man who owned a local grocery store was out
delivering orders in his station wagon when he hit
and injured a little, old lady. The lady sued and
was awarded an amount large enough to drive
the man out of business.

After difficult times he managed to accumulate
enough to try again. But a few months after
opening his doors he struck an old gentleman with
his delivery truck. The gentleman sued and collected
big damages, enough to ruin the merchant yet
again.

On a peaceful Sunday the grocer was sitting in his
living room when his little boy entered and called
out,

"Father, Father, Mother's been run over by a great
big bus."

The grocer's eyes filled with tears, and in a voice
trembling with emotion he cried, "Thank the Lord,
my luck's changed at last!"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 26 Jan 11 - 06:09 PM

Dyslexics untie!

Old McDonald was dyslexic
OIOIE!

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 28 Jan 11 - 08:47 AM

"Marketing"

I learned a lesson in marketing from a man who
bought an old boat, a trailer and a motor from
me. "Thanks," he said as he loaded them up. "I'm
planning to resell them."

Good luck, I thought. I had been trying to get rid
of them for months. But when I ran into him a few
weeks later, he'd sold everything.

"How did you manage that?" I marveled.

"I took out an ad: 'Heavy-duty boat trailer, with free
boat.' When the buyer came to get it, I asked if he
had a motor. He said no. I told him I happened to
have one in my garage. Bought that, too."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 03 Feb 11 - 10:09 AM

"What Day Is It?"

Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to
her husband, "I bet you don't know what day
this is."

"Of course I do," he indignantly answered, going
out the door to the office.

At 10 AM, the doorbell rang and when the woman
opened the door, she was handed a box containing
a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1 PM, a foil
wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates
arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.

The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come
home.

"First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the
dress!" she exclaimed. "I've never had a more wonderful
Groundhog Day in my life!"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 04 Feb 11 - 06:08 AM

The dumb blonde approached the desk at the public library and said, "Please, I would like a double cheeseburger, regular fries, and a cappuccino."

"Madam," replied the library assistant gazing at her in astonishment, "this is a library!"

"Oh, I'm so sorry,"she said, sinking her voice to a whisper; "I would like a double cheeseburger..."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Naemanson
Date: 05 Feb 11 - 05:50 AM

Here's a true story that happened today. In my Adolescent Growth and Development class the instructor was talking about the development of moral and ethical principles as we grow up. He laid out a complicated scenario about a man who has to either steal rare medicine or hos wife will die. We had a nice discussion on that. He then mentioned another ethical dilemma, abortion. We had a good discussion on that.

Then this happened:

Instructor: Marijuana!

Pause

Medical Marijuana.

And with all the disappointment I could must I said, "Oh, I thought you were offering..."

The class liked it and he laughed pretty hard too.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Bert
Date: 05 Feb 11 - 03:44 PM

...Adolescent Growth and Development class ...

Aha! I knew you were still an Adolescent Naemanson.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 08 Feb 11 - 08:50 PM

What My Grandparents Do

Written by a third grader, on what his grandparents do.
               
After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following:
               
We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Airizona. Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on their bicycles, and wear name tags, because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, they do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on. At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts.

Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night - early birds.   Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck. My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and, says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.   When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 12 Feb 11 - 08:43 AM

An Indian [or 'Native American', if you must] Chief had three wives. He gave each a tepee carpeted with the skin from a different animal. The one whose tepee had a buffalo-skin rug gave birth to one child. The one in the tepee with the coyote-fur rug had twins. The one whose tepee was carpeted with the integument of an African river-horse had triplets.

Which proves that the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws on the other two hides.

~Michael~

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Dharmabum
Date: 12 Feb 11 - 09:18 AM

The Fix
There recently was an article in the St. Petersburg , Fl. Times. The Business Section asked readers for ideas on: "How Would You Fix the Economy?" I think this guy nailed it!

Dear Mr. President,

Please find below my suggestion for fixing America 's economy. Instead of giving billions of dollars to companies that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan.

You can call it the "Patriotic Retirement Plan":

There are about 40 million people over 50 in the work force. Pay them $1 million apiece severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:

1) They MUST retire. Forty million job openings - Unemployment fixed.

2) They MUST buy a new AMERICAN Car. Forty million cars ordered - Auto Industry fixed.

3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage - Housing Crisis fixed.

It can't get any easier than that!!

P.S. If more money is needed, have all members in Congress pay their taxes..

Mr. President, while you're at it, make Congress retire on Social Security and Medicare. I'll bet both programs would be fixed pronto!

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 12 Feb 11 - 10:09 AM

Paper or Plastic?

In light of a recent court decision allowing medical clinics to accept credit cards for their services, several sexual dysfunction clinics have announced that they will now accept major credit cards as payment for telephone counseling. They include:

    * The Clinic for Treatment of Voyeurs will take the "Discover" Card.

    * Those getting treatment at the Bondage and Discipline Clinic can charge to their "MasterCard".

    * Patients at the Treatment Center for Extramarital Affairs with Foreigners will pay with their "Visa" cards.

    * The Oral Sex Dysfunction Institute will accept "Diners Club".

    * Patients at the Premature Ejaculation Clinic can pay with their "American Express".

    * The new Center for the Treatment of Persons who Think they can have Sex with Anyone will take "Carte Blanche".

"We're still trying to find someone to take the Shell Oil card," said a credit card industry spokeswoman.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: GUEST,999
Date: 12 Feb 11 - 11:17 AM

No problem once the apostrophe is placed in She`ll.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: GUEST,999
Date: 12 Feb 11 - 11:20 AM

Rec`d in an e-mail from a friend. Apologies if it`s been posted before.



BANK ROBBERY IN ALABAMA



A hooded robber burst into an Alabama bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door a brave customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber's face.
The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation.

He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also.

Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.

The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"

There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak. Then one old man tentatively raised his hand and said,

"My wife got a pretty good look at you."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Dharmabum
Date: 12 Feb 11 - 02:19 PM

An elderly gentleman....   
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%   
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'   
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.   
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'   

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two elderly gentlemen   from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'   
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'   
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'   
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'   

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An elderly couple   had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.   
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'   
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'   
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?   
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'   
'Do you mean a rose?'   
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'   

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hospital regulations   require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he   d idn't need my help to leave the hospital.   
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.   
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.   
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'   

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Couple in their nineties   are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember   ..   
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.   
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'   
'Sure..'   
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.   
'No, I can remember it.'   
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so   a s not to forget it?'   
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'   
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.   
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'   
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,   The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.   
'Where's my toast ?'   

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A senior citizen   said to his eighty-year old buddy:   
'So I hear you're getting married?'   
'Yep!'   
'Do I know her?'   
'Nope!'   
'This woman, is she good looking?'   
'Not really.'   
'Is she a good cook?'   
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'   
'Does she have lots of money?'   
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'   
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'   
'I don't know.'   
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'   
'Because she can still drive!'   

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Three old guys   are out walking.   
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'   
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'   
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'   

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man   was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'   
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'   
'   Twelve thirty..'   

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Morris , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.   
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.   
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'   
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''   
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'   

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One more. . .!   
A little old man   shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.   
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'   
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: GUEST,pete from seven stars link
Date: 12 Feb 11 - 07:01 PM

an airliner was in trouble and about to crash.suddenly a plain looking woman cried out
"i dont want to die like this-without ever knowing the attention of a man -someone to make me feel like a real woman"
at once a handsome hulk approached her and removing his shirt said
"here iron this"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Joe_F
Date: 12 Feb 11 - 08:30 PM

Dharmabum: Aliter: Two drunks on a train. It stops. "I say, is this Wembley?" "No, it's Thursday." "So am I; let's have a drink."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: gnu
Date: 16 Feb 11 - 09:42 AM

The OPP are cracking down on speeders heading into Toronto . For the first offense, they give you 2 Maple leaf tickets. If you get stopped a second time, they make you use them.


===================================


Q. What do you call 30 millionaires around a TV watching the   Stanley Cup playoffs ?

A. The   Toronto Maple Leafs

==============================



Q. What do the Maple Leafs   and Billy Graham have in common?

A. They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ".

====================================

Q. How do you keep a Toronto Maple Leaf out of your yard?

A. Put up a goal net .

======================================

Q. What do you call a Maple Leaf with a   Stanley Cup   ring?

A. Real Old

====================================

Q. How many Maple Leafs does it take to win a   Stanley Cup ?

A. Nobody remembers.

=============================

   

Q. What do the Maple Leafs and possums have in common?

A. Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 21 Feb 11 - 10:17 AM

"Chopsticks"

A man having lunch at a Chinese restaurant
noticed that the table had been set with forks,
not chopsticks. He asked why.

The waiter said, "Chopsticks are provided only
on request."

"But," the man countered, "if you gave your patrons
chopsticks, you wouldn't have to pay someone to
wash all the forks."

"True," the waiter shot back, "but we would have to
hire three more people to clean up the mess."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 22 Feb 11 - 09:42 AM

"Calling School"

The local high school has a policy that the parents
must call the school if a student is to be absent for
the day. Alice decided to skip school and go to
the mall with her friends. So she waited until her
parents had left for work and called the school
herself.

"Hi, I'm calling to report that Alice Schlutzheimer is unable
to make it to school today because she is ill."

The secretary at high school answered, "I'm sorry to hear
that. I'll note her absence. Who is this calling please?"

"This is my mother."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Bill D
Date: 22 Feb 11 - 10:19 AM

A small boy is visiting his grandparents, but he can't seem to stay quiet. He is running thru the house, bouncing a ball and yelling and generally being a nuisance. Finally, his grandmother stops him and says: "Johnny, that is SO loud and upsetting. Don't you know that if you had to go to Heaven, St.Peter would not let you stay if you acted like that?"

"Oh, sure he would!", Johnny replied. "I'd just run in & out of the Golden Gates, banging them open & closed."

"How would that help?"

"Well, after awhile St.Peter would say like Mom does..."Johnny, for God's sake...either come IN or go OUT!"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 27 Feb 11 - 02:44 PM

"Annoyed Golfer"

The other day I was playing golf and saw an
unusual thing. A golfer became so mad that
he threw his brand new set of golf clubs into
the lake.

A few minutes later he came back, waded into
the lake, and retrieved his clubs.

He proceeded to take his car keys out of the
bag, and then threw the clubs back into the
water!

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 02 Mar 11 - 07:13 AM

Some people call tantric sex "the plumber position" ~~





You stay in all day and nobody comes...

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Joe_F
Date: 02 Mar 11 - 02:31 PM

A man was in his back yard, trying to get a kite up for his little boy. There was a stiff wind, but it wasn't working. His wife came out on the porch & shouted "You need a lot more tail", to which he retorted "Make up your mind! Last night you told me to go fly a kite."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Mrrzy
Date: 02 Mar 11 - 09:32 PM

Or the Cable Position, or the Appliance Delivery position... but that last one is a threesome.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Naemanson
Date: 03 Mar 11 - 12:27 AM

The Cable Position sounds frustrating. Nobody comes when they are supposed to and then they come when you are not home.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 03 Mar 11 - 06:25 AM

Willie Nelson's 75th Birthday Quote

Whether or not you are a country music fan, these are truly the words of a deep thinker, and a highly intelligent person. So simple, yet so profound! Read the words of wisdom from that famous philosopher Willie Nelson, iconic country and western singer, on his 75th birthday below his esteemed portrait. Only a man with such wisdom and maturity could be so concise and succinct in phrasing his feelings at this turning point in his life.

"I have outlived my pecker."
The Penis Poem

My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out.
What used to be my sex appeal,
Is now my water spout.
Time was when, on its own accord,
From my trousers it would spring.
But now I've got a full time job,
To find the f***in' thing.
It used to be embarrassing,
The way it would behave.
For every single morning,
It would stand and watch me shave.
Now as old age approaches,
It sure gives me the blues.
To see it hang its little head,
And watch me tie my shoes!!


RtS

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 03 Mar 11 - 10:00 AM

TWO RESTAURANT STORIES

"Serving Station"

A new and inexperienced waitress on her first
day tells another waitress she is concerned
about being able to carry the heavy trays and
serve from them.

The other waitress explains that tray stands are
placed throughout the restaurant. The nervous
beginner serves all her lunches successfully, and
afterwards asks an elderly couple if everything
has been all right.

"It was fine, dear," replies the man, "but my wife
and I have to leave now. Could she please have
her walker back?"

-----------

"Order Guarantee"

A customer walks into a restaurant and notices
large sign on the wall:

$500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER!

When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant dung
on rye.

She calmly writes down his order and walks into the
kitchen where all hell breaks loose!

The restaurant owner comes storming out of the
kitchen. He runs up to the customer's table, slaps
five $100 bills down on it and says,

"You got me that time buddy, but I want you to
know that's the first time in ten years we've been
out of rye bread!"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Joe_F
Date: 03 Mar 11 - 06:44 PM

While we're on that subject:

"Waiter, what time is it?"
"I'm not your waiter."

Epitaph on a waiter:
    By and by,
    God caught his eye.

Two old Jews sat down in a deli. One ordered a glass of tea. The other said, "I'll have a glass of tea, too -- and make sure the glass is clean." So the waiter comes back with two glasses of tea & says "Which one wanted the clean glass?"

Having served a customer a fish dinner, the waiter happened by & was astonished to hear him talking to the fish. "What kind of conversation can you have with a fish?" "Well, I asked him where he came from, and he said, from the Ohio River. So I asked, how are things in the Ohio River, and he said he couldn't tell me, he hadn't been there for a long time."

"Waiter! Come here and taste this soup!" "Where's the spoon?" "A-*ha*!"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 08 Mar 11 - 08:03 PM

"Learning to Drive"

My driving instructor was a pleasant middle-aged
man who accepted the blunders I made with
unfailing patience. I asked him if driving lessons
were, perhaps, a part-time occupation.

"No," he replied, "I do it on a full-time basis - nine
or ten hours a day."

"Wow!" I exclaimed. "That must be rugged."

"It isn't too bad," he grinned. "I'm pretty well paid,
well insured, single, and my hair is already white."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: GUEST,Jim Dixon, visiting Tucson
Date: 08 Mar 11 - 08:29 PM

I was visiting my old home town, waiting to get a table at a restaurant. It was one of those places where you give your name to a receptionist who puts you on a waiting list. I overheard another man giving his name and I recognized it. It was the name of one of my old high-school classmates. But as I looked at him, I couldn't believe he was the kid I knew. He appeared much too old—balding, with a white beard, paunchy, wrinkled, walking with a cane, and wearing a hearing aid. Nevertheless, there was a certain resemblance, so I couldn't get it out of my head that he might be the one I remembered.

I approached him and cautiously asked: "Say, did you go to Southwest High School?"

He said, "Yes, I did."

I asked, "What year did you graduate?"

He said, "1965."

I said, "Hey! You were in my class!"

He looked me up and down and said, "Oh, really? What did you teach?"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: GUEST,pete from seven stars link
Date: 09 Mar 11 - 05:07 PM

an eminent astronomer and a theologian found themselves seated together on a flight.
not over happy about this arrangement,the astronomer adresses the theologian
"i hope you,re not going to talk about religion-it can all be boiled down to love your neighbour,can,t it?"
"fine"replied the theologian"just as long as we dont talk about astronomy-it all comes down to twinkle,twinkle little star does,nt it?.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: GUEST,999
Date: 11 Mar 11 - 05:19 PM

From a Garfield cartoon I was told.

A lot of folks can't understand how we came   
to have an oil shortage here in Canada .   

Well, there's a very simple answer.
Nobody bothered to check the oil.

We just didn't know we were getting low.   

The reason for this is purely geographical.   

Our Oil is located in:

ALBERTA
SASKATCHEWAN
BRITISH COLUMBIA
MANITOBA
COASTAL NEW BRUNSWICK
COASTAL NEWFOUNDLAND   

Our DIPSTICKS are located in OTTAWA

Any Questions ???   
NO ?... Didn't think so.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 12 Mar 11 - 03:51 AM

Late in the morning this man came back from a binge.
When recovering from his hangover he opens his eyes and looks at a card on his bedside table: "Darling, I love you!"
In the lavatory the mirror is decorated by a big red heart inlipstick and rhe words: "Darling, I love you!"
In the kitchen on the table is prepared an excellent breakfast with some flowers and another card with the words: "Darling, I love you!"

Enter his daughter. Asked what had happened the night she told him:
"Well, you didn't find the keyhole so mom opened the door for you. You fell flash bang face down to the floor and couldn't move. When she tried to help you up you babbled: Young lady, hands off from me! I'm happily married fo more than 25 years!"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 12 Mar 11 - 10:09 AM

Wedding Night (10 times divorced)

A man married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" cried the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

"Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

"Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

"Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

"Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

"Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

"Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

"Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.

"Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

"Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was --- God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband. "But, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 12 Mar 11 - 10:12 AM

The Ski Trip

Doug decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Doug's mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Doug said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.

They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Doug got an unexpected letter from an attorney.

It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?"

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

(But you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?)

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Ron Davies
Date: 12 Mar 11 - 12:25 PM

Pete--

Yours is just dynamite.   Congratulations.

All I have to contribute is something I may have possibly read here awhile ago:


You can put Descartes before the horse but you cannot make him think.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 12 Mar 11 - 01:49 PM

21st Century Biology

Cyrus asks: "Daddy, where did I come from?"

Dad says: "Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!" and ponders how to put it in words the lad can understand.

"Well," he finally says, "you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe."

"Then what happened?"

"Well, we sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the ESCape key...."

"Then what?" the boy asked.

"Nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said: 'You've Got Male!'"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: GUEST,pete from seven stars link
Date: 12 Mar 11 - 03:04 PM

thanks ron but not original to me
nor this-
a rather ungracious religios couple were coming to dinner.
not wanting to appear irreligious,mum says as they sit at table
"johny-will you say grace"
johny looks blank
mum hopes he will get it"just say what daddy said at breakfast"
suddenly johny remembered and a look of understanding spread across his face and he gravely intoned-
"good grief,have we got those awful people here tonight!.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Bill D
Date: 12 Mar 11 - 03:36 PM

Very old Mutt & Jeff cartoon: (I wish I had saved the original)



Little Jeff comes running into the bar where Augustus Mutt and several friends are sitting.

"Hey, Mutt...do you remember old Crippled Charlie""

"Why sure, Jeff...what about him?"

"Well, he just took a drink from 'The Fountain of Faith', and threw his crutches away!"

"Wow! Where is he now?"


"Flat on his back in the alley...." (drawing of old coot waving his arms and cussing)

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 13 Mar 11 - 01:00 AM

[Reminded by 'where did I come from daddy?' one above] ~~~
,,,,,,,

"Where did I come from, Daddy?'

"Well ~~ ah" --- (thinks: time has come) ~~ long and detailed anatomically and morally correct explication...

"Thank you, Daddy. John says he came from Birmingham."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 15 Mar 11 - 10:59 AM

"Fun and Spooky Quiz"

No cheating,
Don't jump to the answer, just scroll down.
Take this test mentally, don't write down your
answers, and don't shout them out.
.
.

1. Pick a number from 2 to 9. It can be 2 or it can be
   9, or any number in between.
.
.

2. Take that number that you've chosen, and multiply it by 9.
.
.

3. That should give you a two digit number. Take those two
   digits and add them together.

4. Take the resulting number and subtract 5 from it.
.
.

5. Take that number and correspond it to the alphabet,
   numbering the letters. A =1, B=2, C=3, and so on.

.
.

6. Take your letter, and think of a country that begins with
   that letter.
.
.

7. Take the last letter in the name of that country,
   and think of an animal.
.
.
8. Now, take the last letter in the name of that animal,
   and think of a color.
.
. MORE
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

9. But always remember, that there are no orange
   kangaroos in Denmark!!

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Donuel
Date: 15 Mar 11 - 11:22 AM

Japan is perhaps the most advanced nation on Earth. They don't even bother to go to the beach, the beach comes to them.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Pseudolus
Date: 15 Mar 11 - 12:34 PM

Man, how someone can find humor in an event like that is just beyond me...

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Mrrzy
Date: 15 Mar 11 - 06:37 PM

See the nuclear thread for non-humor.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Naemanson
Date: 15 Mar 11 - 06:51 PM

Sorry Donuel, I like most of what you post but that's not funny. Current death toll is 10,000 and climbing.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Anne Lister
Date: 15 Mar 11 - 07:03 PM

Don't know about the orange kangaroos ... it was the aubergine koalas that I was looking for!

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Donuel
Date: 15 Mar 11 - 09:03 PM

That joke has an iteresting history
It was delivered by Gilbert Godfrey. At the Friars club roast after 9--11 he was the first person to crack a joke about the twin towers.
The reactions was powerful with yeslls of TOO SOON and OH NO but it also was cathartic, not for closure but for liberating the angst in all their souls be it in protest or laughter.

Of course Gilbert was prompmtly fired by AFLAC, You see he is the voice of the goose who gets ignored in the commercial.

The last I saw of Gilbert he had an odd smirk as he carried a card borad box with a white goose in it past the AFLC offices with photographers snapping away.

Love him or hate him, deep down we need him.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Mrrzy
Date: 16 Mar 11 - 11:50 AM

Aren't there any other countries that start with D?

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Mrrzy
Date: 16 Mar 11 - 12:00 PM

I stopped by the Toyota Dealership yesterday for a look at the new Tacoma.
Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive. I wanted to sense that new "feel" before they become extinct...
The salesman (wearing an Obama "change" lapel pin) sat in the passenger seat describing the truck and all its "wonderful" options.   
The seats were of particular interest. He explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat.
Feeling like messing with his mind, I mentioned that this must be a Republican truck.
Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was a Republican truck. I explained that if it were a Democrat truck, the seats would blow smoke up your ass year-round.
I had to walk back to the dealership........guy had no sense of humor.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 16 Mar 11 - 01:05 PM

One for the ladeez:


A Woman's Poem
©Unknown
He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake,
He said my biscuits were too hard
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and
smacked him one
...
Like his mother used to do.

RtS

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 17 Mar 11 - 09:32 AM

Two for St. Paddy's Day!

"St. Patrick's Day Joke"

An English clergyman turned to a Scotchman and
asked : "What would you be if you were not Scot?"

The Scotchman said: "Why, an Englishman, of
course!"

Then the clergyman turned to a gentleman from
Ireland and asked him: "And what would you be
were you not an Irishman?"

The man thought a moment and said: "I'd be
ashamed of meself!"

-----

"St. Patrick's Skull"   

Bud Nelson, from New York, flew to Knock Airport in the west of
Ireland on business.

As he walked down the stairs from the plane onto the runway he
noticed a small Irishman standing beside a long table with a
assortment of human skulls.

"What are you doing?" asked the American.

"Oh, I'm selling skulls", replied the Irishman.

"And what skulls do you have?" said Bud.

"Well, I have the skulls of the most famous Irishmen that ever lived!!"
said the Irishman.

"That's great!" said Bud. "Give me some names!"

"Well!" said the Irishman, pointing to various skulls. "That one there
is James Joyce, the famous author and playwright, that one there is
St. Brendan, the Navigator, that's Michael Collins the leader of the
1916 rising, and that one there is St. Patrick, the Patron Saint of
Ireland... God bless his soul.."

"Sorry" said Bud, "But did you say St. Patrick?"

"That's correct!" said the Irishman.

"I have to have that!" said Bud and paid him $1,650.00 in cash.

Bud flew back to New York and mounted his skull on the wall in his pub.

People came from all over America to view this famous skull. He made
a fortune over a five year period and retired a very rich man.

During his retirement, he decided to go back to visit Ireland, the land
that made him a fortune.

Bud flew back into Knock airport, and while walking down the stairs
saw the same Irishman at the bottom of the stairs.

"Goodness", said Bud, "What are you doing?"

"Oh, I'm selling skulls," replied the Irishman.

"And what skulls do you have today?" said Bud.

"Well, I have the skulls of the most famous Irishmen that ever lived!!"
said the Irishman.

"That's great!" said Bud. "Give me some names!"

"Well!" said the Irishman, pointing to various skulls. "That one there
is James Joyce, the famous author and playwright, that one there is
St. Brendan, the Navigator, that's Michael Collins the leader of the
1916 rising, and that one there is St. Patrick, the Patron Saint of
Ireland... God bless his soul."

"Sorry" said Bud, "But did you say St. Patrick?"

"That's correct!" said the Irishman.

"Well!", said Bud, I was here almost seven years ago and you sold me a
skull a little bit bigger than that one there, and you told me then that
the skull was St. Patrick."

"Oh yes!" said the Irishman, "I remember you now!...you see... This
is St. Patrick when he was a boy!"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: breezy
Date: 17 Mar 11 - 10:25 AM

Dhekelia

Dominican rep

Dominica

Djibouti

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 17 Mar 11 - 03:24 PM

....."What would you be if you were not Scot?"

The Scotchman said: "Why, an Englishman, of
course!".....


Well, that's a joke, for a start !



DC

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: GUEST,pete from seven stars link
Date: 18 Mar 11 - 03:17 PM

man took his wife to doctor
"doc,l,m worried about my wife-she wanders round talking to herself"
doctor"yes,that is worrying"
"thats not all"the husband says"she thinks i,m listening to her!".

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 19 Mar 11 - 04:29 PM

"Music Business"

The generation gap proved glaringly obvious
at the mail-order music company where my
wife works as a customer service representative.

Some college students, who were working part-
time inputting customer information, wrote the
following notes regarding some golden oldies:
"Customer is looking for two song titles: 'Shovel
Off Two Buffaloes' and 'Honey, Suck a Rose.'"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Joe_F
Date: 19 Mar 11 - 11:13 PM

Sergeant in the sick bay is lying on his belly, uncovered. Nurse comes by. "Why sergeant, what on earth are you doing like that?" "The orderly is taking my temperature." "With a daffodil?"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: GUEST,DonMeixner
Date: 20 Mar 11 - 01:36 PM

Did you hear the news about the corduroy pillow cases?

They're making headlines.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: GUEST,Alan Whittle
Date: 20 Mar 11 - 03:03 PM

Just recd. by e-mail - English folk will know most of them


Duz tha speak Yorkshire

A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.

Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."

Vet: "Is it a tom?"

Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."
.....................................................................................

A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.

Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"

Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"

Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"

.................................................................................................
A Yorkshireman's wife dies and the widower decides that her headstone should have the words "She were thine" engraved on it.
He calls the stone mason, who assures him that the headstone will be ready a few days after the funeral.
True to his word the stone mason calls the widower to say that the headstone is ready and would he like to come and have a look.

When the widower gets there he takes one look at the stone to see that it's been engraved "She were thin".

He explodes: "'ells bells man, you've left the blood y "e" out, you've left the blood y "e" out!"

The stone mason apologises profusely and assures the poor widower that it will be rectified the following morning.

Next day comes and the widower returns to the stone mason: "There you go sir, I've put the "e" on the stone for you".

The widower looks at the stone and then reads out aloud:

"E, she were thin".

..................................................................................

Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"

Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------
Police have just released details of a new drug craze that is being carried out in Yorkshire nightclubs.
Apparently,Yorkshire club goers have started injecting Ectasy just above their front teeth.
Police say the dangerous practice is called "e by gum"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: DrugCrazed
Date: 20 Mar 11 - 03:17 PM

Rambling: Jewellery for Sheep

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: HuwG
Date: 21 Mar 11 - 06:39 AM

Uncle_Dave_O, I did once hear a tale of someone who asked a music shop to put aside a copy of "Could I but express in music". The shop reported it wasn't available. They had transcribed the title as "Kodály buttocks-pressing music".

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 23 Mar 11 - 12:51 PM

"What A Duckhead!"

A man took his old duck to the Doctor, concerned
because the duck wouldn't eat.

The Doctor explained to the man that as ducks age
their upper bills grow down over their lower bills and
make it difficult for the animal to pick up its food.

"What you need to do is gently file the upper bill down
even with the lower bill. But you must be extra careful
because the duck's nostrils are located in the upper
bill and if you file down too far, when the duck takes
a drink of water, it'll drown."

The man went about his business, and about a week
later the Doctor ran into his patient.

"Well, how is that duck of yours?" the Doctor inquired.

"He's dead." declared the heartbroken man.

"I told you not to file his upper bill down too far! He
took a drink of water and drowned, didn't he?" insisted
the Doctor.

"No," lamented the man. "I think he was dead before
I took him out of the vise."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Joe_F
Date: 23 Mar 11 - 06:31 PM

Cf.:
"What do you want this detergent for?"
"To wash my budgerigar."
"That won't do it any good."
*
"How is the budgerigar?"
"Dead."
"What did I tell you?"
"It wasn't the detergent that did it. It was the wringer."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Donuel
Date: 23 Mar 11 - 11:18 PM

SUNSCREEN

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Mrrzy
Date: 24 Mar 11 - 09:49 AM

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said, "Stop! Don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, are you religious or atheist?" He said, "Religious." I said, "Me too! Are your Christian or Buddhist?" He said, "Christian." I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?" He said, "Protestant." I said, Me too! Are your Episcopalian or Baptist? He said, "Baptist!" I said, "Wow! Me too! Are your Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord? He said, Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are your Original Baptist Church of God or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 24 Mar 11 - 12:10 PM

A Woman's Poem
       Unknown

He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake,
He said my biscuits were too hard
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and
smacked him one
...
Like his mother used to do.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: HuwG
Date: 24 Mar 11 - 05:21 PM

I once knew someone who was addicted to brake fluid.

He said he could stop any time.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 25 Mar 11 - 01:41 PM

"The Long Hack Veil"

Jennifer visited a psychic of some local repute.

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball,
the mystic delivered grave news:

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt:
Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will
die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined
face, then at the single flickering candle, then down
at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose
herself.

She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's
gaze, steadied her voice, and asked:

"Will I be acquitted?"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 26 Mar 11 - 04:46 PM

"Refrigerator Problems"

When the icemaker in our new refrigerator broke,
my husband dropped by the store to arrange for
repairs. Because the sun was bright, my husband's
eyes hadn't adjusted to the dim light inside in time
to see a woman sitting on the floor examining
carpet samples.

He stepped on her leg and she screamed, causing
him to jump into a display of fireplace tools that
went crashing in every direction.

Unnerved, my husband stumbled over to the service
desk, and as he went to rest his hands on the counter,
he flipped over a bowl full of little mints, scattering
them everywhere.

After taking a deep breath to calm himself, he
announced to the wide-eyed woman working there,
"My refrigerator doesn't work."

"I don't doubt it," she replied.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Joe_F
Date: 26 Mar 11 - 06:04 PM

A respectably lady saw a little boy sitting on a curb, smoking a cigarette and taking swigs out of a bottle of whiskey. "Young man," she said, "Why aren't you in school?" to which he shot back "Hell, lady, I'm only four."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 28 Mar 11 - 05:55 PM

Why I Am Now Divorced

Last week was my birthday, and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast, hoping my husband would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, he barely said good morning, let alone 'Happy Birthday.'

I thought...'Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids...they will remember.'

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my handsome Boss, Rick, said, 'Good morning, lady! and by the way Happy Birthday!' It felt a little better, that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock, when Rick knocked on my door and said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me?' I said, 'Thanks, Rick, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!'

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. He chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each, and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Rick said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?'

I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?' He said, 'Let's drop by my place; it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at his house, Rick turned to me and said, 'If you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.' 'Okay,' I nervously replied.

He went into the bedroom, and after a couple of minutes he came out, carrying a huge birthday cake...

Followed by my husband, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday.'

And I just sat there....


On the couch....


Naked.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Pseudolus
Date: 29 Mar 11 - 03:13 PM

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder: The DNA all matches & There are no dental records...

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Mrrzy
Date: 29 Mar 11 - 07:43 PM

Overheard in a West Virginia convenience store:

You better listen to me, boy. I may be your brother but I'm still your father!

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Pseudolus
Date: 30 Mar 11 - 02:39 PM

new letter for the day:
Dear Scissors,
I feel your pain.....no one wants to run with me either.
Sincerely, Sarah Palin

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 01 Apr 11 - 09:49 AM

"No Seats on the Bus"

An old man gets on a crowded bus and no
one gives him a seat. As the bus shakes and
rattles, the old man's cane slips on the floor
and he falls.

As the old man gets up and composes himself,
a young kid, sitting nearby, turns to him and
says, "You know, if you put a little rubber thingy
on the end of your stick, it won't slip."

The old geezer man snaps back, "Well, if your
daddy did the same thing seven years ago, I'd
have a seat on this here bus."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 01 Apr 11 - 10:51 AM

"Aren't those bells beautiful?"

"Eh?"

"I said, aren't those bells beautiful?"

"Eh?"

"I said, aren't those bells BEAUTIFUL?"

"You'll 'ave to speak up, young man. Can't hear you for they danged bells!"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Dharmabum
Date: 01 Apr 11 - 06:36 PM

Confused
I became confused when I heard the word "Service" used with these agencies:

Internal Revenue 'Service'
U.S. Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Cable TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
State, City, County & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'

This is not what I thought 'Service' meant.

But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'Service' a few cows.
BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.

Now you are as enlightened as I am.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: GUEST,pete from seven stars link
Date: 06 Apr 11 - 05:34 PM

a teacher asserted that it is impossible for a whale to swallow a person and that person survive, so jonah is just a story.

little girl says"when i get to heaven i will ask jonah"

teacher replied sarcastically"what if he went to hell?"

little girl"then you can ask him!".

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 07 Apr 11 - 10:47 AM

Back Yard Anthropology

A classic from my files, dated 1994. It was long ago debunked, but knowing how some people think, it sure could have been true....

Paleoanthropology Division
Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078

Dear Sir:

Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull."

We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents "conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago." Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the "Malibu Barbie." It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loath to contradict your findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to its modern origin:

    * The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone.

    * The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids.

    * The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the "ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that:
          o The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on.
          o Clams don't have teeth.

It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results. Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation's Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name "Australopithecus spiff-arino." Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin.

However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard. We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the "trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix" that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus Rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.

Yours in Science,

Harvey Rowe
Curator, Antiquities

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Donuel
Date: 07 Apr 11 - 10:53 AM

These tales of woe are very funny but there seems to be more woe than tail.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: GUEST,pete from seven stars link
Date: 07 Apr 11 - 02:27 PM

i found it quite amusing uncle dave;just a little off the truth to be so.
reminds me of the shopper who accidentaly left his groceries at a modern art exhibition.
when he came back for it next day,it had won first prize!

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Justa Picker
Date: 07 Apr 11 - 04:52 PM

The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?" Ole demanded.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."

The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies.

"Blessed Virgin
Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?"

She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."

Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. "Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?"

She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any."

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o
decency, here's a comb......Tidy yerself up a bit."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 07 Apr 11 - 05:46 PM

Pro Bassist Available

This is an actual ad from Craigslist Denver. Is it a serious ad? That I don't know: you be the judge! But if you're looking for a bassist, you might want to interview them before hiring.

PRO Bassist Available

Date: 2011-03-23, 9:48AM MDT

Bass available for PAYING GIGS ONLY. I play G, C, D. If your songs are not in G, please transpose them into G. If your song has an Em or Bm or anything off-the-wall, I will probably sit out that chord. Or I could learn those notes for $30 each.

If you want me to do fancy stuff like go back and forth between G and D while you hold a G chord, forget it becaue I'm a "pocket" player. Minimum $100 per gig within a 5 mile radius of zip code 80016. $5/mile travel charge for other areas of town.

Please make sure your gigs are on an RTD route or you can pick me up at my place. Must be home by 11 PM due to previous legal hassles. No gigs within 500 yards of schools, parks or playgrounds.

    * Location: 80016
    * it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 2281702818

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: GUEST,999 Rec;d via e-mail from a friend
Date: 08 Apr 11 - 02:45 AM

Surgery, Five surgeons are talking.

#1 The first, an Ontario surgeon, says: " I like to see accountants on my
operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is
numbered. "

#2 The second, a Quebec surgeon, responds: " Yeah, but you should try
electricians. Everything inside of them is colour coded. "

#3 The third, a B.C. surgeon, says: " No, I really think librarians are the
best, everything inside of them is in alphabetical order. "

#4 The fourth, an Alberta surgeon, chimes in: " You know, I like
construction workers.... those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over. "

#5 But, the fifth, a Newfoundland surgeon, shut them all up when he observed: " You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, -- and the head and the ass are interchangeable. "

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 09 Apr 11 - 04:29 PM

Fried Chicken

Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else in the class laughed.

My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.

I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders."

The principal is making me write this, even though he laughed again.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: GUEST,pete from seven stars link
Date: 09 Apr 11 - 06:41 PM

another good one uncle,and jogged my memory.

the bus fare rises at age 11.
11 yr old johnny boards a bus with mum,who has instructed him to say he is 10.
the driver says"how old are you ,sonny?"
johnny duly replies"10"
"oh"says the driver"when will you be 11"
johnny replies "oh,about the time i leave this bus".

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 12 Apr 11 - 12:55 PM

An 86-year-old Lady's Letter to Bank

Shown below is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year
old woman.

The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the
New York Times.

_________________________________

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed
to honor it.

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity,
and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that, whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and
letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood
person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer
be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is a CRIMINAL OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete.

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much
about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be
countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her
financial situation(income, debts, assets and liabilities)must be
accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have
modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my
account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.

When you call me, press buttons as follows:

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR(*)BUTTON FOR ENGLISH

#1. To make an appointment to see me.

#2. To query a missing payment.

#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required.

Password will be communicated to you at a later date, addressed to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.

#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.

#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.

The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my
automated answering service.

#10. This is a second reminder to press * for English.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music
will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client

And remember: Don't make Old People mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: GUEST,pete from seven stars link
Date: 12 Apr 11 - 02:12 PM

a man writes to the inland revenue explaining that he cannot sleep because of a guilty conscience,regarding unpaid tax.

"i am enclosing £400 in respect of tax due..
..if i still can,t sleep i,ll send the rest!".

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 12 Apr 11 - 05:11 PM

Clever Lawyer?

In a court room in rural Oklahoma where a person is on trial for murder, there is strong evidence indicating guilt; however, there is no corpse, which would really seal his fate.

In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client is guilty and that it looks like he'll probably be convicted, resorts to a clever trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the shyster says as he looks at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom, proving my client's innocence!" He turns and looks toward the courtroom door. The jury, somewhat stunned, follow his eyes and look too. A minute passes, but nothing happens.

Finally the lawyer says: "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury, still looking suspicious, retires to deliberate.

But only a few minutes later, the jury returns and the foreman utters their verdict: Guilty!

"But how?" inquires the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."

"Yes, we looked," admitted the foreman. "But we noticed your client didn't."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 12 Apr 11 - 05:29 PM

Shown below is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman.

The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.

_________________________________

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed
to honor it.

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that, whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is a CRIMINAL OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete.

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation(income, debts, assets and liabilities)must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have
modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my
account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.

When you call me, press buttons as follows:

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR(*)BUTTON FOR ENGLISH

#1. To make an appointment to see me.

#2. To query a missing payment.

#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required.

Password will be communicated to you at a later date, addressed to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.

#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.

#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.

The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my
automated answering service.

#10. This is a second reminder to press * for English.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music
will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client

And remember: Don't make Old People mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 12 Apr 11 - 06:22 PM

Uncle DaveO: You been skipping those memory pills again?

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 13 Apr 11 - 04:19 PM

Jim Dixon:

It's such a GOOD joke, it deserves to be repeated!

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: GUEST,Jim Dixon, at the U of St Thomas library
Date: 13 Apr 11 - 07:17 PM

"Memory pills" is, of course, a reference to this joke. But I wouldn't expect you to remember that.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: GUEST,999
Date: 14 Apr 11 - 11:06 AM

Rec'd from a friend in my e-mail today.


HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANY MORE .

George Phillips, an elderly man, from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"

He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available"

George said, "Okay."

He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed.. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both, the dogs are eating them right now." and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 14 Apr 11 - 11:56 AM

Texting Shorthand for Older Folks

We've all seen the texting shortcuts used by kids -- LOL (Laughing Out Loud), CUL8R (See You Later), etc. It's time older folks got in on the action -- yet our daily concerns are different from youngsters'.

ATD - At The Doctor's

BFF - Best Friend Fell

BTW - Bring The Wheelchair

BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth

FWIW - Forgot Where I Was

GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low

GHA - Got Heartburn Again

IMHO - Is My Hearing Aid On?

LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out

OMMR - On My Massage Recliner

OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas

ROFLACGU - Rolling On Floor Laughing And Can't Get Up

and...

TTYL - Talk To You Louder

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 18 Apr 11 - 09:02 AM

Your Parrot, He is Dead!

At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead."

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International Competition?"

"Si, Senor, that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse. "

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

"Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"

"Yes, Senor Rod."

"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Senor Rod."   

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"

"Your wife's, Senor Rod". She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G15 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."

SILENCE........... LONG SILENCE.........VERY LONG SILENCE.

"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 20 Apr 11 - 05:15 PM

At Last! A PC Ethnic Joke!

(As it's not politically correct to direct a joke at any particular ethnic minority, let's try this one:)

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a southerner [but certainly not a redneck!], a New Englander, and a Californian), an Argentinian, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, an Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uraguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, a Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahamanian, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Taiwanese, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 47-53 Africans walk into a fine restaurant.



"I'm sorry," said the snooty maître d', "but you can't come in here without a Thai."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 28 Apr 11 - 12:02 PM

The German Territorial Defense decides to call up some animals who should be fit for reconnaisance purposes. So the hare, the fox and the bear get their letters to report for their medical examination.
But since they do not want to join the army, they are guessing how to avoid it.
Says the fox to the hare: "Let's cut off your long ears. No ears, not a hare, no service." So they do, and the hare comes back and says: "Unfit - No ears, not a hare, no service."
Now it's the turn of the fox. Says the hare to the fox: "Well, let's cut off your tail. No tail, not a fox, no service." So they do, and the fox comes back: "Unfit - No tail, not a fox, no service."
But what to do with the bear? The others say: "Let's break out your teeth. No teeth, not a bear, no service." The bear comes back and mumbles: "Unfit for military service - too thick."

Had to tell any joke, not letting stand the contribution before on this ominous date.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Mrrzy
Date: 28 Apr 11 - 01:14 PM

Thick, for you Americans, means stupid.

I really laughed at the Thai joke!

An old man and an old lady are getting ready for bed one night when all of a sudden the woman bursts out of the bathroom, flings open her robe and yells "Super Pussy!" The old man says "I'll have the soup."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 30 Apr 11 - 12:45 PM

Thick in Germans means what it is: not stupid, but in the sense of fat. But as stupid it also makes sense.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 02 May 11 - 08:49 AM

"The Late Osama"

After dying a grisly death in a fire fight, Osama
made his way to the pearly gates. There, he was
greeted by George Washington. "How dare you
attack the nation I helped conceive!" yelled
Washington, slapping Osama in the face.

Patrick Henry came up from behind, "You wanted
to end the American's liberty, so they gave you
death!" Henry punched Osama in the nose.

James Madison came next and said, "This is why I
allowed the government to provide for the common
defense!" He took a sledge hammer and whacked
Osama's knees.

Osama was subject to similar beatings from John
Randolph, James Monroe and 67 other people who
had the same love for liberty and America. As he
writhed on the ground, Thomas Jefferson hurled him
back toward the gate where he was to be judged.

As Osama awaited his journey to his final very hot
destination, he screamed, "This is not what I was
promised!"

An angel replied, "I told you there would be 72
Virginians waiting for you. What did you think
I said?"


-----


"American Holiday"

Osama bin Laden, not feeling well and concerned
about his mortality, goes to consult a psychic about
the date of his death. Closing her eyes and silently
reaching into the realm of the future, she finds the
answer.

"You will die on an American holiday."

"Which one?" Osama bin Laden asks nervously.

"It doesn't matter," replied the psychic. "Whenever
you die, it will be an American holiday!"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: GUEST,DaveA
Date: 02 May 11 - 07:00 PM

A guy rings his doctor and says:
"I think my wife's dead"
The doctor replies:
"Why do you think that"
He answered:
"There's no change in the sex but the laundry is piling up"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Wesley S
Date: 05 May 11 - 03:56 PM

Have you heard about the Osama Bin Laden drink?

Two shots and a splash of water......

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 07 May 11 - 09:30 PM

Procedure at the Drive-Through Bank Machine
   
    A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

    'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

    Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

    After months of careful research, "MALE & FEMALE" procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.'
   

    *******************************
    MALE PROCEDURE:
    1. Drive up to the cash machine.
    2. Put down your car window.
    3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
    4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
    5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
    6. Put window up.
    7. Drive off.

    *******************************

    FEMALE PROCEDURE:
    (What is really funny is that most of this part is the truth!!!!)

    1. Drive up to cash machine.
    2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
    3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
    4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
    5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
    6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
    7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
    8. Insert card.
    9. Re-insert card the right way.
    10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
    11. Enter PIN.
    12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
    13. Enter amount of cash required.
    14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
    15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
    16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
    17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of check book.
    18. Re-check makeup.
    19. Drive forward 2 feet.
    20. Reverse back to cash machine.
    21. Retrieve card.
    22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
    23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
    24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
    25. Re-dial person on cell phone.
    26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
    27. Release Parking Brake.

    SEND THIS TO A MAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH, AND TO THE LADIES who can handle it.... A lady sent it to me. She was laughing, too.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: DMcG
Date: 08 May 11 - 02:43 AM

Speaking as a male! On one occasion I was in deep conversation with my son while using an ATM. When my card was returned we left and had gone about 10 steps before I realised I hadn't actually taken for the money. We went back immediately but not surprisingly the notes had already evaporated. Anyway, I used an ATM yesterday and noticed that the final screen said

PLEASE TAKE YOUR CARD
AND WAIT FOR YOUR MONEY

Yes, the final line IS in bold! It obviously happens fairly often.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 09 May 11 - 10:14 AM

I just got this message from a friend:

[My wife] never allows my words [when we play Scrabble]. She keeps saying there's no such word. Stiffles creativity.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: GUEST,999--rec'd from a friend
Date: 09 May 11 - 03:10 PM

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 11 May 11 - 05:55 PM

One-Liner Time Again!


In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

I am a nutritional overachiever.

I am having an out of money experience.

I plan on living forever. So far, so good.

Practice safe eating-always use condiments.

A day without sunshine is like night.

If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have
in-laws.

It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but
nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right
thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the
wrong thing at the tempting moment.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells
live forever.

Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age
comes alone.

You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you
grow old because you stopped laughing.

I started out with nothing...I still have most of it.

When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?

I finally got my head together, now my body is
falling apart.

Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.

If all is not lost, where is it?

It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

If at first you do succeed, try not to look too
astonished.

The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.

I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway
through.

It was all so different before everything changed.

Some days you're the dog, some days the hydrant.

Nostalgia isn't what is used to be.

I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few.

It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the
sudden stop at the end.

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free
trip round the Sun.

The only time the world beats a path to your door is
if you're in the bathroom.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have
put them on my knees.

When you're finally holding all the cards, why does
everyone else decide to play chess?

There are two kinds of pedestrians...the quick and the
dead.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Being healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at
which one can die.

It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the
depth.

The good part about being bald is that when someone
walks in the room all you have to do is fix your tie.

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings.
They did it by killing all those who disagreed with them.

The only thing wrong with a perfect drive to work is
that you end up at work.

Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it
took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of
groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 13 May 11 - 09:58 AM

"Lightning"

A little girl walked daily to and from school. Though
the weather that morning was questionable and
clouds were forming, she made her daily trip to
school.

As the afternoon progressed, the winds whipped up,
along with thunder and lightning. The mother of the
little girl felt concerned that her daughter would be
frightened as she walked home from school, and she
herself feared the electrical storm might harm her child.

Following the roar of thunder, lightning, like a flaming
sword would cut through the sky. Full of concern, the
mother quickly got in her car and drove along the
route to her child's school.

As she did so, she saw her little girl walking along, but
at each flash of lightning, the child would stop, look
up and smile.

Another and another were to follow quickly, each
with the little girl stopping, looking up and smiling.
Finally, the mother called over to her child and asked,
"What are you doing?"

The child answered, "Smiling! God just keeps taking
pictures of me."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 14 May 11 - 07:53 PM

Marketing Explained, for Women

The buzz word in today's business world is marketing. However, people often ask for a simple explanation of the concept.

Well, here it is -- everything you need to know about marketing.

You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says, "She's fantastic in bed."

That's Advertising.

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Telemarketing.

You see a guy at a party, you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."

That's Brand Recognition.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend.

That's a Sales Representative.

Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.

That's Tech Support.

You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"

That's Spam.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: frogprince
Date: 14 May 11 - 09:17 PM

No, public relations is when you walk up to the guy at the party, take off your clothes, and jump him.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 15 May 11 - 02:36 AM

Hey ~ where is this party? Why wasn't I invited!

〠

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: breezy
Date: 15 May 11 - 09:35 AM

Thats isolationism

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Peter the Squeezer
Date: 20 May 11 - 01:35 PM

Got the right thread this time (maybe)?

From my daughter (13)

What do you call an Eskimo Chav?

Innuinnit

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Peter the Squeezer
Date: 20 May 11 - 01:43 PM

WOMEN WHO KNOW THEIR PLACE

Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul,Afghanistan , several years before the Afghan conflict.

She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands.

Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem happy to maintain the old custom.

Ms Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked,

'Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'

The woman looked Ms Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said,





"Land mines."







Moral of the story is (no matter what language you speak or where you go):

BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE'S A SMART WOMAN (OR MAYBE THREE!)

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: paul vaughan
Date: 20 May 11 - 03:57 PM

Went to the gym today. As I went in I saw the most stunning woman I'd seen in my life!!
I said to my trainer "Which machine do you think I should use to get a date with her?" He looked me over and said "The cash machine you fat b*****d!!"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: autolycus
Date: 23 May 11 - 06:14 AM

A revision of an earlier joke, which needs a bigger build-up.

Mr.Goldberg has been going to the same restaurant for twenty years, and has always started with chicken soup.

One day, he sits down, the waiter brings his soup, and Mr. Goldberg says,

"Taste this soup!"

The waiter says,
"Is there something wrong?"

"Just taste this soup!"

"But mr. Goldberg, you always start wi...."

"Just taste it!"

"Yes mr. Goldberg. Um, where's the spoon?"

"Aaaaaaah - ha!!"


***********

One I got from the Beeb some years ago.

Did you hear about the bloke who looked up "paranoid" in the dictionary? It said "Whaddya wanna know for?"



Ivor

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Mrrzy
Date: 23 May 11 - 12:58 PM

Guy is in a bar after the Rapture.... Hey, anybody seen that priest I walked in here with? Anybody? Hellooo...?

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Bill D
Date: 23 May 11 - 10:22 PM

"Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul,Afghanistan , ..."

*sigh*...No, she didn't. I heard that 'joke' 45+ years ago, told about Korea....and later about Vietnam. It resurfaces regularly.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 24 May 11 - 06:22 AM

I've hard it the other way round (6 days war): Now the wife walks some 20 meters befoethe husband. - Why? - landmines.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 24 May 11 - 06:24 AM

Crrection: I've heard ..

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 24 May 11 - 06:35 AM

Correction ... I'll use the preview in future.

but now another joke:
man enters the bar with a black eye. his friend: "where did you get it?" - "by my wife." - "why?" - "for saying you." - "???" - "she told me: do you realize that we hadn't any sex for about four weeks? and I answered: yeah, you!"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Mrrzy
Date: 24 May 11 - 01:43 PM

Where did you get that black eye? I got hit with some tomatoes. How did that give you a black eye? These tomatoes were in a can.

(James Thurber)

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Mrrzy
Date: 25 May 11 - 11:45 AM

If you can't think of a good Rapture joke, don't worry, it isn't the end of the world.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 25 May 11 - 01:43 PM

"Have you seen a policeman round here?"

"No."

"Stick 'em up!"

----------------------------

"Stick 'em down!"

"Don't you mean 'Stick 'em up'?"

"That's why I'm not making any money!"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: GUEST,Jim Dixon, at the Burnett County WI library
Date: 25 May 11 - 03:15 PM

As long as we're doing old jokes, here's one from Henny Youngman:

Patient (flexing his elbow): Doc, it hurts when I do this.

Doctor: Don't do that!

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: GUEST,Jim Dixon, at the Burnett County WI library
Date: 25 May 11 - 03:40 PM

If you can't afford a doctor, go to an airport. You'll get a free x-ray and a breast exam, and if you mention Al Qaieda, you'll get a free colonoscopy.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 26 May 11 - 04:42 AM

"Oi, Hymie, the doctor says our little Solly has an Oedipus complex."

"Oedipus Schmoedipus. What does it matter so long as he loves his mother!"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Donuel
Date: 26 May 11 - 02:25 PM

"I now pronounce you man and wife

Please Rise,
Let us now all give a joyous blessing to the loving bond of this couple.
These two minds, bodies and souls are entering a lifetime of shared dreams, shared questions and shared exploration of the ineffable mysteries of life itself.
We bless their continuing exploration of these eternal questions of life and love ... questions like "where are my socks?", "What did you do with my keys?" and "Do you know what day this IS ?"
May the bond of their love answer these questions with joy and tolerance from this day forward.

I now present to you Mr and Mrs. Chen



(actual wedding ceremony I was asked to write this week)

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 28 May 11 - 11:46 AM

Will Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash, was one of the
greatest political sages this country has ever known.

Enjoy the following:
1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman.
Neither works.

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it
and put it back into your pocket.

8. There are three kinds of men:
The ones that learn by reading.
The few who learn by observation.
The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence
and find out for themselves.

9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then
to make sure it's still there.

11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.

12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring.
He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.


ABOUT GROWING OLDER...

First ~Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying
about your age and start bragging about it.

Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers.
Not me; I want people to know 'why' I look this way.
I've traveled a long way, and some of the roads weren't paved.

Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth,
think of Algebra.

Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging
is that it's such a nice change from being young.

Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Tenth ~ Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks,
it was called witchcraft.
Today it's called golf.

And, finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble,
you won't have anything to laugh at when you're old.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 08 Jun 11 - 08:56 AM

"Lingo Beautiful"

The teacher says, "Children, today I will ask each of you
to come to the front of the class and use a word in a
sentence. Today's word is 'beautiful'. Little Sally, would
you please come up here and use 'beautiful' in a
sentence?"

Little Sally walked to the front of the room, thought for
a moment and said, "Teacher, my mom is the most
beautiful woman in the world."

The teacher says, "Very good, Sally, you may sit. "Little
Frankie, your turn."

Little Frankie walked to the front of the room, thought
for a moment and said, "Teacher, the sunrise this
morning was the most beautiful sunrise I have ever
seen."

The teacher says, "Very good, Frankie, you may sit. Little
Johnny, it's your turn."

Little Johnny walked to the front of the room, thought
for a moment and said, "Teacher, last night my big sister
told my dad she was pregnant and he said, 'Beautiful!
Just freaking beautiful...'"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 08 Jun 11 - 02:35 PM

Why did the chicken commit suicide?




To get to the other side!

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Donuel
Date: 08 Jun 11 - 03:20 PM

High praise to Uncle Dave

not that there is anything wrong with John.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 09 Jun 11 - 09:28 AM

"Divorce Whisperer"

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding
her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the
grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little
home in the middle of the property with a stream
running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of
this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she
responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations
like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town,
and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport
and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in
your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets.
We don't necessarily like the music, but the
answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he
gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady,
why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've
never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He
said he can't communicate with me."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: frogprince
Date: 09 Jun 11 - 10:55 AM

Dave, that's not a joke, that's a documentary! I just got my wife to read it. : )

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 15 Jun 11 - 06:49 PM

"A Teenager Is..."

-A person who can't remember to walk the dog
but never forgets a phone number.

-A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving
up candy bars before breakfast.

-A youngster who receives her allowance on Monday,
spends it on Tuesday, and borrows it from her best
friend on Wednesday.

-Someone who can hear his favorite singer 3 blocks
away but not his mother calling from the next room.

-A whiz who can operate the latest computer without
a lesson but can't make a bed.

-A student who spends 12 minutes studying history and
12 hours studying for her driver's license.

-A connoisseur of 2 kinds of fine music--loud and
very loud.

-An enthusiast who has the energy to bike for miles
but is usually too tired to dry the dishes.

-A young woman who loves the cat and tolerates
the brother.

-A romantic who never falls in love more than once
a week.

-A budding beauty who never smiles until her braces
come off.

-A boy who can sleep till noon on any Saturday he
suspects the lawn needs mowing.

-An original thinker who is positive that her mother
was never a teenager.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 21 Jun 11 - 10:19 AM

Near a school there is a big placard: DRIVE CAREFULLY! Don't run over the children!

Below it, in a child's scrawl: Wait for the teachers!

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 22 Jun 11 - 09:13 AM

"A Dog's Life"

I Lie belly-up
In the sunshine, happier than
You will ever be.

Today I sniffed
Many dogs' behinds - I celebrate
By kissing your face.

I sound the alarm!
Paper boy come to kill us all.
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

I sound the alarm!
Garbage man come to kill us all.
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

I lift my leg and
Whiz on each bush. Hello, Spot -
Sniff this and weep.

My human is home!
I am so ecstatic I have
Made a puddle.

I hate my choke chain.
Look, world, they strangle me!
Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack!

Look in my eyes and
Deny it. No human could
Love you as much as I do.

The cat is not all bad
She fills the litter box
With tootsie rolls.

My owners' mood is
Romantic - I lie near their
Feet, I rip a big one.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 22 Jun 11 - 04:00 PM

W Schaum's above reminds me of the sign at entrance to garage section of flats where I used to live in Cambridge: CAUTION! CHILDREN PLAYING. Something to be very careful of indeed.

And a woman I know, finding on a bottle the instructions "Keep away from children" -- "Do not drink", remarked that she would find the second injunction easier to obey if she could find some way of managing to contrive obedience to the first.

~M~

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: GUEST,Pseudolus at work
Date: 24 Jun 11 - 02:18 PM

A man walked into a piano bar to audition to be the new piano player they were advertising for. He told them he played all original songs. After playing the first one the bar owner was amazed and LOVED the song. "What do you call that one?" he asked. The piano player said, "I call that one, "You have beautiful tits and I'd love to squeeze em". The bar owner was dissappointed in the name because it was a family place so he asked for another. He liked this song just as much and asked the name. The piano player told him it was called "I like to do it doggie style, how about you?". He was unsure about the whole thing but he made the piano player agree not to announce the names of the songs. So, the first night comes and the guy is a huge hit, the entire place loves him. During his first break he uses the mens room but forgets to zip up his fly. The bartender calls to him and says, "hey Buddy, do you know your fly is down and your weiner is hanging out?" The piano player responds, "Know it? I wrote it!!!"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 26 Jun 11 - 09:25 PM

"Getting into Heaven"

Little Willie asked his mother: "Mama, don't
soldiers ever go to heaven?"

"Of course they do!" protested his mother.
"What makes you ask?"

"There are so many soldiers with beards, but I
never saw any pictures of angels with beards."

"Oh, that's because most MEN who go to Heaven
get there by a close shave."

-------

"Jose And Carlos"

Jose and Carlos are panhandlers. They panhandle
on different areas of town.

Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only
collects 2 to 3 dollars every day.

Jose brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills,
drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house
and has a lot of money to spend.

Carlos says to Jose, "I work just as long and hard
as you do, but how do you bring home a suitcase
full of $10 bills every day?"

Jose says, "Look at your sign; what does it say?"

Carlos sign reads, "I have no work, a wife and 6
kids to support."

Jose says, "No wonder you only get $2-3 dollars."

Carlos says, "So what does your sign say?"

Jose shows Carlos his sign......

It reads, "I only need another $10.00 to move back
to Mexico."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: GUEST,DaveA
Date: 27 Jun 11 - 03:49 AM

Woops - too quick on the draw....

A grade three teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides to ask her students what they had for breakfast.
To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their answers.
Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg,   'E-G-G'.
'Very good', says the teacher.
Peter says he had toast 'T-O-A-S-T'.
'Excellent.'
Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him.
'I had bugger all', he says, ' B-U-G-G-E-R-A-L-L'.
The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude   answer.

Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions.
Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada. Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off Canada 's east coast.


When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question.
Johnny, she asks, 'Where is the Pakistani border?'
Johnny ponders the question and finally says, 'The Pakistani boarder is in bed with my mother.
That's why I got bugger all for breakfast'.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 28 Jun 11 - 10:08 AM

"Bachelor Cooks"

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, and their
conversation drifted from politics to cooking.

"I got a cookbook once," said one, "but I
could never do anything with it."

"Too much fancy work in it, eh?" asked the
other.

"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the
same way: 'Take a clean dish...'"


-------


"Just Double It"

Mr. & Mrs. Smith have been back from their honeymoon
for two weeks when Mr. Smith comes home from work
and says that he has invited four of his friends from the office
home for dinner on Friday night.

The Mrs. is a bit apprehensive, and asks if she must
cook a meal for the four.

Mister explains that there will be eight coming because
each will bring his wife or a date. Since this is their
first party, Mister consoles her by saying that all she
has to do is get some Chinese food in, and perhaps she
can bake a cake.

This sounds like a good idea, and they sit down and
decide what Chinese food to get.

Friday morning wife calls the office in tears. She
explains that the only cake recipe she has will only
feed six.

Hubby says, "Why don't you just double the recipe?" She
decides that is a good idea.

At four, hubby gets another phone call -- this time
quite frantic.

"I just can't do it," wifey weeps. "It's impossible."

"Now, now, what's the matter?"

"Well, their recipe calls for two eggs..."

"So, you use FOUR eggs. Don't you have them?"

"Yes. And then it needs four cups of flour."

"Well," hubby says rather testily, "you will have to
use eight cups of flour. What's the problem?"

"It isn't the ingredients," wife sobs. "It says that
the cake must be baked at 350 degrees, and I have
checked the oven and I can't turn the heat up to
700 degrees!"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 29 Jun 11 - 03:28 AM

Doctor: Big breaths.

Patient: Yeth; and I'm only thixteen.

~M~

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: DrugCrazed
Date: 29 Jun 11 - 04:37 AM

I've just returned from America, and I learnt some Aboriginal words, like "boo", which means "To Return".

Because when you throw an ordinary meringue...

----

I was in India, and I heard a talking string instrument that made jokes about the recent election. Got to love Political Sitar.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Michael
Date: 29 Jun 11 - 08:06 AM

So have I got this right; crispy egg whites come back when thrown?
A meringue?

Mike

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: frogprince
Date: 29 Jun 11 - 11:43 AM

Mike. fortheluvagod, pay attention! ordinary merangue doesn't return; only boomerangue returns.
                   : )

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 29 Jun 11 - 04:36 PM

"Funny Court Case"

"Your Honor, I want to bring to your attention how unfair
it is for my client to be accused of theft. He arrived in
New York City a week ago and barely knows his way
around. What's more, he only speaks a few words of
English."

The Judge looked at the defendant and asked, "How
much English can you speak?"

The defendant looked up and said, "Give me your
wallet!"


-------------


"Nice Car"

The hotshot executive goes out and buys a Ferrari GTO.
It is the best and most expensive car in the whole world,
costing about $500,000.

He takes it out for a spin, and while he stops it for a red
light, an old man on a Moped (both looking about 90
years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over
the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind
of car ya got there, sonny?"

The executive replies, "A Ferrari GTO. They cost about a
half million dollars!"

"That's a lot of money," says the old man, shocked. "Why
does it cost so much?"

"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states
the cool guy proudly.

The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?"

"Sure," replies the owner.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks
around. Leaning back on his Moped, the old man says,
"That's a pretty nice car, all right!"

Just then, the light changes so the guy decides to show
the old man what his car can do. He floors it, gets on
Interstate 66, and within 30 seconds the speedometer
reads 320 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems
to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could
be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhhh! Something whips by
him, going much faster! "What on earth could be going
faster than my Ferrari?" the young man asks himself. Then
ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him.
Whooooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite
direction! And it almost looked like the old man on the
Moped. "Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a Moped
outrun a Ferrari?" Again, he sees the dot in his rear view
mirror, getting bigger!

Whooooooosh! Ka-BbblaMMM! It plows into the back of
his car, demolishing the rear end. The executive jumps out,
and it IS the old man! Of course, the Moped and the old
man are hurting' bad. He runs up to the old man and says,
"You're hurt badly! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man moans and replies, "Yes..... Unhook my
suspenders from your side view mirror!"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Mrrzy
Date: 29 Jun 11 - 09:51 PM

So the hunters are strolling through a clearing when they find a large hole. Curious to find out how deep it is, they chuck in a pebble... nothing. So they chuck in a rock... nothing. They look at each other. The scout around and find a really big rock it takes both of them to lift, and they chuck *that* in. Nothing. So they scout around and can't find anything, and they split up, and finally one of'm hollers "I found a railroad tie!" so they chuck THAT in. Nothing. They look at each other. Then along comes a goat, runs up and jumps straight into the hole. They look at each other some more. They decide to just leave, and head off towards the other side of the clearing, when along comes a farmer saying, have you seen a goat around anywhere? And the hunters look at each other and say, well, ma'am, the only goat we saw ran over and jumped into that hole over there. Oh, that couldn't be MY goat, says the farmer. Mine was tied to a railroad tie.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 30 Jun 11 - 09:56 AM

I was out walking with my Grandson. He picked up something off the ground and started to put it in his mouth. I took the item away from him and I asked him not to do that.

"Why" my Grandson asked.

"Because it's been on the ground; you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs, and sometimes germs make little boys sick and not feel good" I replied.

At this point, my Grandson looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Grandma, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart."

I was thinking quickly and said to him. "All Grandmas know stuff. It's on the Grandma Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Grandma."

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but he was evidently pondering this new information.

"Oh....I get it!" he beamed. "So if you don't pass the test you have to be the Grandpa."

"Exactly," I replied with a big smile on my face.

When you're finished laughing, send this to another Grandma!!

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 03 Jul 11 - 12:54 PM

Time to shift to "2nd Joke Thread of 2011". Let's put
the new ones there.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2011
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 04 Jul 11 - 05:13 AM

To 2nd joke thread of 2011

Hey, I'm good! Didn't forget my basic html class. Wilfried