BS: First Joke Thread of 2012

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Andrez
Date: 08 Feb 12 - 06:30 AM

How to win a Fosters!

Three Aussie guys were working on a high-rise building project - Steve, Bruce and Kevin.

Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

Kevin says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters.

Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Kev?"

"Steve's wife gave it to me,"

Bruce replies. "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?"

"Well not exactly," Kevin said. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'.

She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'

And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are'."


Cheers,

Andrez

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: GUEST
Date: 09 Feb 12 - 05:31 AM

To Mike in Brunswick,

The tale continues.......The bartender looks at the tiny bottle and asks, "do you mind if I give it a try? "   The man with the pianist replies, "No, go ahead, just be careful what you wish for." So the barkeeper picks up the jeni bottle. Suddenly there is a horrific racket in the street outside. Opening the barroom door they are immersed in skwaking, and bird crap, and feathers. A million ducks had landed in the street.

Sincerely,
Gargoyle

(The bar patron - looking at the horrified bar tender asks, "Do you really believe I wanted a twelve inch pianist?)

That is the correct telling of your tale.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Mrrzy
Date: 09 Feb 12 - 02:20 PM

Make a drumhead out of that, asshole! (another alternate punch line).

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 12 Feb 12 - 08:40 PM

The first "Republican" joke I recall laughing at:


A liberal, a conservative, and a moderate walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "Hi, Mitt!"


(Told by an anti-Romney Republican politician whose identity I don't remember. He wasn't one of the candidates.)

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Bill D
Date: 12 Feb 12 - 09:38 PM

"He wasn't one of the candidates."

He was the billionaire funding Rick Santorum...

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Andrez
Date: 13 Feb 12 - 05:26 AM

Two Aussies are adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging through the boat's provisions one of them finds an old lamp. He rubs the lamp and a genie suddenly appears. This genie tells them that he only grants one wish.

Without giving much thought to the matter, the lamp finder blurts out, "Turn the entire ocean into VB*!"

The genie claps his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turns into beer.

The genie disappears and only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull breaks the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.

The second Aussie turns to the first and says, "Nice going mate! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."

Cheers,

Andrez

* VB stands for Victoria Bitter.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Jon Corelis
Date: 13 Feb 12 - 04:04 PM

Stop me if you've heard this one which you probably have.

It seems this Catholic gentleman decided to marry a Protestant woman. His priest tried to dissuade him, urging him to keep his marriage within the church. But the man assured him, "Father, I have no doubt that my wife will convert to our faith."

And sure enough, a year or so after the marriage, the wife converted to Catholicism.

Well, in the course of time, this good woman died before her husband. And after a suitable period of mourning, the husband decided to marry again, and again to marry a Protestant woman.

His priest tried again to dissuade him, saying, "Well, it worked out the first time, but you can't count on it again. Couldn't you find yourself a nice Catholic girl?" But the man assured him that his new wife would convert. And sure enough, a year or so after the marriage, the wife became a Catholic.

Well, after some time had passed, this second wife passed away. And after a period of mourning, the husband went to his priest and informed that he had decided to remarry, and to marry a Protestant woman again.

This time the priest readily gave his approval, feeling sure that the marriage would again result in a new convert.

But a year passed, and then two, and then three, and the new wife remained staunchly Protestant.

So the priest asked the man, "Why are things different now? I was skeptical, but when I saw that your first two wives converted, I was sure third one also would. Why hasn't she?"

And the man replied, "Ach, Father -- I'm afraid the old converter isn't what it used to be."

Jon Corelis
Celtic Suite in G Major for Harp, Flute and Cello

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 15 Feb 12 - 09:10 AM

"The Real Pearls"

Two older women who were rivals in a social circle
met at a party.

"My dear," said the first woman, "Are those real pearls?"

"They are," replied the second woman.

"Of course the only way I could tell would be for me
to bite them." smiled the first.

The second responded, "Yes, but for that you would
need real teeth."
--------------------

"The Texan"

A Texan lands in Sydney, and is picked up by a taxi.
After requesting a tour of the city, he starts into a
tirade about the small town airport and how in Texas
they have larger runways on their ranches...

They are soon crossing the Sydney Harbor bridge, and
the man is further unimpressed - "I have a duck pond
bigger than that harbor, and an ornamental bridge to
span it that makes this look like a toy."

The Sydney-Newcastle expressway also gets his scorn,
"Is this a road, or a track?"

So when a kangaroo jumped out in front of the cab,
causing the sudden and severe application of the brakes,
the driver couldn't help himself - "Stupid grasshoppers!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 15 Feb 12 - 09:37 AM

Mary came home early one day, she could hear Jim moaning upstairs. "Are
you OK, Jim?" she cried, running up to him He was lying on the bed,
nude, sweating and panting. "I think I'm having a heart attack" he
said. On her way down to phone the paramedic she met little John.
"Aunty Shelley's hiding in the wardrobe" he said. She went back &
opened the wardrobe door and there was neighbour Shelley in the nude.
"Shelley" scolded Mary, "Jim's having a heart attack and you're messing
about playing hide & seek with the children!"

RtS

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Jon Corelis
Date: 15 Feb 12 - 11:00 AM

A young man hails a taxi in London, and when he gets in the driver says, "I remember you! A couple weeks ago I took you and your lady friend to the restaurant. I must say, she's a fine figure of a woman: movie-star beautiful, intelligent, refined, great sense of humor, wonderfully dressed -- I don't mind telling you you're a very lucky man to have found a girl like that. By the way, how is she?"

"Well, actually," the young man replied, "we've broken up, and I'll probably never see her again."

And the taxi driver nodded sagely and said, "You're better off, mate."

Jon Corelis
Jon Corelis on SoundCloud

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: GUEST
Date: 15 Feb 12 - 11:04 AM

Who killed the vicar ?

http://uk.news.yahoo.com/police-probe-suspicious-vicarage-death-013519420.html

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Jon Corelis
Date: 15 Feb 12 - 03:46 PM

Eight punch lines in search of a joke

i
And the Pope said
I'm with the Jewish guy.

ii

Styrofoam? cried the salesman
I thought it was popcorn!

iii

Oh, it's not for me
he told the bartender
it's for my hippopotamus.

iv

There's just one thing
I still don't understand:
how come whenever I
press this button
you stick out your tongue?

v

But the King's ears
were upside down.

vi

I'll bet you've never seen
a gorilla in a tutu either!

vii

Me, too
said the Martian.

viii

And the moral of the story is
never
let anyone give you
more bull
than you can shake a stick at.


Jon Corelis
Jon Corelis: Poems, Plays, Songs, and Essays

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: GUEST,Bluesman
Date: 17 Feb 12 - 03:01 AM

I got a puppy of my local Blacksmith yesterday. It was only here two hours and it made a bolt for the door.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Andrez
Date: 19 Feb 12 - 07:22 AM

The seven dwarfs went off to work in the mine one day, while Snow White stayed at home to do the housework and cook their lunch. However when she went to the mine to deliver their lunches, she found there had been a cave-in, and there was no sign of the dwarfs.
Tearfully she yelled in to the mine entrance: "hello - is anyone there. Can anyone hear me".
A voice floated up from the bowels of the mine: " Australia will win the Rugby World Cup" "Thank god" said Snow White "at least Dopey's still alive"

Cheers,

Andrez

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: saulgoldie
Date: 19 Feb 12 - 01:31 PM

Posted on Facebook by Ge3orge Takei, aka "Mr Sulu" from Star Trek:

Sign at Northampton General Hospital:

(first line, bold, and centered)       Family Planning Advice
(second line, also bold, and centered)   Use Rear Entrance

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 22 Feb 12 - 10:14 AM

"Pop Rocks"

Cassie was taking two of her grandsons on their
very first train ride from Dayton, Ohio to
Washington, DC.

A vendor came down the corridor selling Pop
Rocks, something neither had ever seen before.
Cassie bought each one a bag.

The first one eagerly tore open the bag and
popped one into his mouth just as the train went
into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the
tunnel, he looked across to his brother and said:
"I wouldn't eat that if I were you."

"Why not?" replied the curious brother.

"I took one bite and went blind for half a minute."


-----------------

"Allergy"

Because of an ear infection, Little Johnny had
to go to the pediatrician. The doctor directed his
comments and questions to Little Johnny in a
professional manner. When he asked Little Johnny,
"Is there anything you are allergic to?"

Little Johnny nodded and whispered in his ear.
Smiling, the pediatrician wrote out a prescription
and handed it to Little Johnny's mother. She
tucked it into her purse without looking at it.

As the pharmacist filled the order, he remarked
on the unusual food - drug interaction Little Johnny
must have. Little Johnny's mother looked puzzled
until he showed her the label on the bottle. As per
the doctor's instructions, it read,

"Do not take with broccoli."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 22 Feb 12 - 05:21 PM

A re-edited version of BBC News done by "Cassetteboy"

(Not exactly a joke, but it's funny. Is there a better place to post stuff like this?)

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: GUEST
Date: 23 Feb 12 - 02:18 AM

Is there a better place to post stuff like this?

Perhaps here: BS: YouTube Gems

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 23 Feb 12 - 02:54 AM

That was me above!

DC

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 24 Feb 12 - 08:57 AM

"Encouragement"

Well Bill, how are you getting on with trying to date
that new cocktail waitress?"

"Not so bad. I'm getting some encouragement now."

"Really, is she beginning to smile sweetly at you or
something?"

"Not exactly, but last night she said that she's said
'NO' for the last time."


------------------

"Summer BBQ"

One evening, impressed by a meat entree his wife
had prepared, the husband asked, "What did you
marinate this in?"

The wife dropped her fork and went into a long
explanation about how much she loved him and
how life wouldn't be the same without him.

She must have seen the confused look on her
husbands face, because she inquired, "What
did you ask me?"

When he told her what he'd asked, the wife
laughed and said, "I thought you asked me if
I would marry you again!"

Later, as she was cleaning up the kitchen, the
husband called out, "Hey, hon, WOULD you
marry me again?"

Without hesitation she replied, "Vinegar and
barbecue sauce."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 26 Feb 12 - 09:03 AM

"Real Science Quiz Answers"

(Spelling not corrected)

"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold down a deacon
over a flame in a test tube"

"When you smell an odourless gas, it is probably
carbon monoxide."

"Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not
found in a free state."

"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes,
and caterpillars."

"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."

"Respiration is composed of two acts, first
inspiration, and then expectoration.


-------------


"First Day At University"

It was the first day of classes at Stern College for
Women of Yeshiva University, and I was waiting in
my classroom for students in my public speaking
course.

Because of congestion in the elevators and room
changes, several were still missing and I thought
I would talk with those present while we were
waiting.

"What have you learned so far today?" I asked.

Some students raised their hands and told what
they had learned.

A late arriving student took a seat and I asked her
the same question. "I haven't learned anything
today; this is my first class," she said.

"What time did you get up this morning?" I asked.

"Very early," she replied.

I told her that learning takes place beyond the four
walls that surrounded us and asked what she had
learned since she awakened.

She sat silently for a moment and then jumped up.

"I've just learned I'm in the wrong classroom," she
said as she made her exit.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 28 Feb 12 - 08:30 AM

"Steamy"

After watching a rather hot love scene
on cable, the husband looked over at
his wife and said,

"How come you never make love to
me like that?"

"Are you kidding me?? Do you have
any idea how much they pay those
people to do that?"


----------------


"Natural Laws"

Nature has many laws that hold fast and true.
For example, a baby ape will always grow up
to be an ape; likewise, a baby baboon will
become an adult baboon. A baby pig will
mature into a full grown pig. A baby jackass
will always become a jackass.

Yet oddly enough, women say a young man
may grow up to be any one of these!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Mrrzy
Date: 28 Feb 12 - 04:25 PM

That reminds me...


Why don't men get Mad Cow disease?
...because they're pigs.

Why do they call it PMS?
...because Mad Cow disease was already taken.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 03 Mar 12 - 09:19 AM

The Congressional Revolver

Taurus USA has proudly announced their newest handgun: the Congressional Revolver

Its name is beautifully engraved on the cylinder.

Available for the right hand (Republicans) or the left (Democrats), it really is just like a congressman: it has a dull finish.

It of course has to be a revolver, since it turns around and around, and yet you get the same old thing every time -- just like elections!

Anti-gunners don't worry! We weren't kidding when we said this exquisite piece really is modeled after Congress: it doesn't work, and you can't fire it.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Mrrzy
Date: 03 Mar 12 - 06:48 PM

Mitt Romney would like too, though.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: GUEST,999
Date: 04 Mar 12 - 06:39 AM

I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving.

As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home.

I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got this one.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 04 Mar 12 - 09:57 AM

"Epitaph I"

When her late husband's will was read, a widow
learned he had left the bulk of his fortune to
another woman.

Enraged, she rushed to change the inscription on
her spouse's tombstone.

"Sorry, lady," said the stonecutter. "I inscribed 'Rest
in Peace' on your orders. I can't change it now."

"Very well," she said grimly. "Just add,
'Until We Meet Again.' "


-----------------------

"Epitaph II"

The old lady had been married for many years when
suddenly her husband died. This is what she put on
his tombstone:

"THE LIGHT OF MY LIFE HAS GONE OUT."

Not long afterward she met, fell in love with and
married another man.

After thinking at some length about it, she went to
the monument maker and had him add this to the
tombstone:

THE LIGHT OF MY LIFE HAS GONE OUT.
P.S. I Found A Match.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 04 Mar 12 - 10:07 AM

A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country.
~~~
Well, there's a very simple answer.
~~~
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
~~~
We just didn't know we were getting low.
~~~
The reason for that is purely geographical.
~~~
Our OIL is located in:
~~~
ALASKA
~~~
California
~~~
Coastal Florida
~~~
Coastal Louisiana
~~~
Coastal Alabama
~~~~
Coastal Mississippi
~~~~
Coastal Texas
~~~
North Dakota
~~~
Wyoming
~~~
Colorado
~~~
Kansas
~~~
Oklahoma
~~~
Pennsylvania
~~~
And
Texas
~~~
Our dipsticks are located in DC
~~~
Any Questions?
NO? Didn't think So.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 07 Mar 12 - 09:27 AM

"Sir Arthur Conan Doyle"

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, the creator of the world-famous
detective Sherlock Holmes, was not above telling tales
about himself in which he was the laughing-stock.

In one situation, he was waiting at a taxi stand outside
the railway station in Paris. When a taxi pulled up, he
placed his suitcase in the car and took a seat next to it.

"Where can I take you, Mr. Doyle?" asked the taxi driver.

Doyle was flabbergasted. He asked the driver whether he
knew him by sight.

"No, sir, I have never seen you before.''

The puzzled Doyle asked him how he knew he was Conan
Doyle.

"This morning's paper had a story about you being on
vacation in Marseilles. This is the taxi-stand where people
who return from Marseilles always come to. Your skin color
tells me you have been on vacation. The ink-spot on your
right index finger suggests to me that you're a writer. Your
clothing is very English, and not French. And so, I deduced
that you are Sir Arthur Conan Doyle."

Doyle remarked, "This is truly amazing. You are a real-life
counterpart to my fictional creation, Sherlock Holmes."

"There is one other thing,'' the driver said.

"What is that?''

"Your name is on the front of your suitcase.''

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Nick
Date: 07 Mar 12 - 10:48 AM

A guy telephones Toys r Us on the day of the Costa Concordia accident.
"Do you have a model of the cruise liner that had the accident today?" he asks.
"I don't think so - we've had a lot of people asking" the shop assistant replies.
"Would you check it's a present for a friend?"
"I will go and look in the store room, just wait a minute."
The shop assistant comes back and says, "You're in luck I have got one left"
"Thank you. Can you put it to one side for me?"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 11 Mar 12 - 10:20 AM

"Million Dollar Policy"

"Darling," said the affectionate husband, "I've
insured myself for $1,000,000. If anything happens
to me you will be provided for."

"Good," said his loving wife, "Now you won't
have to call the doctor every time you feel sick."


-------------------------

"Good Lawyer"

"You've got a good lawyer to take care of the
estate?" asked her mother.

"Oh, don't talk to me about lawyers," she said
angrily. "I've had so much trouble over the
property. Sometimes I wish Frank had never
died."

------------------------

"Decisions"

I met a man who had been married for sixty-six years.

"Amazing. Sixty-six years!" I said. "What's the secret to
such a long, happy marriage?"

"Well," he replied, "It's like this. The man makes all
the big decisions... and the woman just makes the
little decisions."

"Really?" I responded. "Does that really work?"

"Oh, yes," he said proudly. "Sixty-six years, and so far,
not one big decision!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: GUEST,Jim Dixon, using my mother-in-law's computer
Date: 11 Mar 12 - 11:46 AM

"Decisions"

[Same as above but with a different ending.]

"...so my wife makes all the little decisions, like where we should live, where the kids should go to school, what kind of job I should have...."

"And what are the big decisions?"

"You know—things like, whether Israel should bomb Iran—whether we should open diplomatic relations with Cuba...."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: GUEST,999
Date: 11 Mar 12 - 12:08 PM

An old gal was pulled over by the Sûreté du Québec and asked for her driver's license. She asked why she'd been stopped. He said, "Madam, you were 35km/hr over the posted limit." She got an aggressive look on her face and said he should get his radar checked. He asked if she had any alcohol in the car. She said, "No, it's in the trunk." He asked her to open the trunk. She replied, "Certainly, but be careful not to disturb the body or the Uzi I used to kill that sonuvabitch." The officer called for SWAT back-up and hand-gun drawn instructed her to step out of the vehicle, make NO sudden moves, turn, lean into the car and stay still. She complied.

SWAT arrived and the officer spoke with them. They popped the trunk and it was completely empty.

The SWAT officer took the lady aside and asked, "Where's the beer, the body and the gun?" She said she didn't know what he was talking about. The SWAT fellow said, "Look, lady, the officer told me you had those things in the trunk!" She said, "Yeah. I suppose he'll tell you I was speeding, too."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 20 Mar 12 - 10:24 AM

"Password Follies"

A new employee called the Help Desk to complain
that there was something wrong with her password.

"The problem is that whenever I type the password,
it just shows stars," she said.

"Those asterisks are to protect you," the Help Desk
technician explained, "so if someone were standing
behind you, they wouldn't be able to read your
password."

"Yeah," she said, "but they show up even when
there is no one standing behind me."


-----------


"New Technology"

When a customer left his cell phone in my store,
I scrolled through his saved numbers, stopped
at "Mom" and pushed send. His mother answered,
and I told her what happened.

"Don't worry," she said, "I'll take care of it."

A few minutes later, the cell phone rang. It
was "Mom."

"Martin," she said, "you left your cell phone
at the convenience store.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 22 Mar 12 - 10:26 AM

"Change of Address"

It was a typically busy day at the bank. After
a glance at the line of waiting customers, a
harried-looking man came up to the side
counter and demanded, "What do I have to
do to change the address on my account?"

Without missing a beat, the clerk replied,
"Move."


--------

"Haircut Robbery"

A barber runs out of his shop and down to the
nearest corner where a policeman is standing.
"Officer," he asks, have you seen a man run by
here in the last few minutes?"

"No I haven't. What's the problem?"

"The lousy cheat ran out of my shop without
paying me!"

"Does this fellow have any distinguishing features?"
the officer asks.

"Well, yes," the barber replies. "He's carrying one
of his ears in his left hand."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 23 Mar 12 - 08:29 AM

"Horror Movie"

As the horror movie was about to reach its
terrifying conclusion, the young woman
began fidgeting in her seat next to her date.

The man sitting behind her leaned forward
and inquired,

"Excuse me. Are you feeling hysterical?"

"No," she whispered. "He's feeling mine."

------------

"Spring Romance"

When I was a 20-something college student, I
became quite friendly with my study partner, a
64-year-old man, who had returned to school
to finish his degree. He confessed he had once
thought more than friendship might be a possibility.

"So what changed your mind?" I asked him.

"I went to my doctor and asked if he thought a
40-year age difference between a man and woman
was insurmountable. He looked at my chart and
said, 'You're interested in someone who's 104?'"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 26 Mar 12 - 02:00 PM

"HS Alumni Questionnaire"

A friend of mine is responsible for alumni relations
at his high-school alma mater.

Last fall, a member of the Class of '96 returned the
standard alumni questionnaire with this response:

Marital Status - Not good
Wife's Name - Plaintiff

--------

"New Patio"

Neighbors of ours had a terrible disagreement over
a patio they wanted for their backyard. The wife
had rather grand ideas, while the husband wanted
costs kept to a minimum. The wife won out, and
the construction bill climbed higher and higher.

I dropped by one day, when the patio was near
completion, and was surprised to find the husband
smiling from ear to ear as the workmen smoothed
over the surface. I remarked how nice it was to see
a grin replace the frown he had been wearing lately.

"You see where they're smoothing that cement?" he
replied. "I just threw my wife's credit cards in there."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Mrrzy
Date: 31 Mar 12 - 07:24 PM

Listen to some science jokes here...

and then explain the esoteric ones, please. Like the one where he says If you knew physics you'd be on the ground laughing now... I *thought* I knew *some* physics! And they didn't even tell the one about the two old Indian (feather, not dot) ladies sitting around bragging on their kids, only to be topped by a third one...

...because ...

...the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: framus
Date: 31 Mar 12 - 09:34 PM

I bought a dog from the same blacksmith as the bloke whose pup made a bolt for the door - mine made a spring for my balls!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 02 Apr 12 - 06:26 AM

"Stick 'em down!'

"You mean 'Stick 'em up!'"

"Aaarrgghh ~ that's why I'm not making any money!"

.,.,.,


"Have you seen any cops around here?"

"No."

"Stick 'em up!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 03 Apr 12 - 10:13 AM

"Driving Test"

I'm a driving examiner for the state of Indiana,
and while I was giving a road test to a young
man, he went through a red light without
stopping.

I told him that he had automatically failed the
test. We met up with his mother back at the
office, and I explained what had happened.

At first she was speechless. Then she asked
incredulously, "He ran a red light?"

"Yes," I replied.

"Well," persisted the mom, "how red was the
light?"


------


"Driving Mad"

A large truck was tailing my son as he drove
through town with his girlfriend. The truck
matched them turn for turn, down every street.

My son's concern grew to alarm when the
menacing-looking driver pulled next to him
at a light, leaned out his window, and glared
into his car.

After a long, hard stare, the man grinned and
called to my son, "Sorry, kid, I thought that was
my daughter."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 05 Apr 12 - 08:50 AM

"Vegetable"

A man and his wife are sitting in the living
room and he says to her, "Just so you know,
I never want to live in a vegetative state
dependent on some machine. If that ever
happens, just pull the plug."

"Okay," says his wife as she gets up and
unplugs the TV.

---------


"The Game"

Nothing rattles my father-in-law, especially
when the St. Louis Cardinals are on TV.

One day we were watching a game, when
my mother-in-law shrieked from the kitchen,
"Jim, there's a horsefly in here!"

Not taking his eyes off the screen, he barked
back, "Give it some cough syrup."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 14 Apr 12 - 03:44 PM

"Hard Drink Order"

I was waiting tables in a noisy lobster restaurant
in Maine when a vacationing Southerner stumped
me with a drink order.

I approached the bartender. "Have you ever
heard of a drink called 'Seven Young Blondes'?"
I asked. He admitted he'd never heard of it, and
grabbed a drink guidebook to look it up.

Unable to find the recipe, he then asked me to go
back and tell the patron that he'd be happy to
make the drink if he could list the ingredients for
him.

"Sir," I asked the customer, "can you tell me what's
in that drink?"

He looked at me like I was crazy. "It's wine," he said,
pronouncing his words carefully, "Sauvignon blanc."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 15 Apr 12 - 11:00 AM

"The Whole Weak Long"

Because of the reaction people have when they
wake up and realize it's a workday again and
the weekend is over, the first day of the week is
called Moanday.

Many people too busy to cook on the second day
of the week just open a can of beans. Hence the
day is known as Tootsday.

By the third day of the week, people are wondering
when they can ever find the time to get everything
done this week that they need to, hence the day is
known as Whensday.

Too bleary to even count properly, people think
it's only Day Three of the week on the next day,
therefore it's erroneously called Thirdsday.

On the last day of the workweek, people often go
out "for a few" after work. By the time they get home,
they're too tired to cook anything elaborate, so they
just throw a piece of meat, chicken, or fish in the
skillet. That's why the day is known as Fryday.

Saturday night all the singles let loose. There's a lot
of sexual hijinks. It's pretty obvious why the day is
called Satyrday.

And on the last day of the week--and the weekend--
people look at all the items on their to-do lists that
didn't get crossed off, groan aloud, and make
themselves promises they won't keep. Therefore
the day is called Soonday.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Joe_F
Date: 15 Apr 12 - 08:12 PM

And remember, once you've gotten thru Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Peter the Squeezer
Date: 17 Apr 12 - 06:48 PM

Wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning:

'Windows frozen'

Husband texts back:

'Pour some lukewarm water over it'

Wife texts back:

'Computer completely f*ck*d now'

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 23 Apr 12 - 09:56 AM

"Lead Foot"

My mom has a lead foot, so I was not surprised
when a state trooper pulled us over as we were
driving through Georgia. Hoping to get off with
a warning, Mom tried to appear shocked when
he walked up to the car.

"I have never been stopped like this before," she
said to the officer.

"What do they usually do, ma'am," he asked,
"shoot the tires out?"

-------------------

Quote du Jour

"God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is,
he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't
know how to play funny."
-- Garrison Keillor

-----------------

"Ohio"

Apparently I tend to brag too much about my
home state of Ohio. One day I told a long-
suffering friend, "You know, the first man in
powered flight was from Ohio. The first man
to orbit the earth was from Ohio. And the first
man on the moon was from Ohio."

"Sounds like a lot of people are trying to get
out of Ohio," he observed.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: saulgoldie
Date: 24 Apr 12 - 10:57 AM

A blonde city girl named Judy marries a Saskatchewan rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Judy, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?" The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while..., the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Judy takes him down to the barn.

They walk along the row of cows and when Judy sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one right here." The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks, "Tell me lady, cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?" "That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall," she explains very confidently. Laughing rudely at her, the man says, "And what, pray tell, is the nail for?" The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, "I guess it's to hang your pants on."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 24 Apr 12 - 12:04 PM

How do you call an intelligent blonde?

A Golden Retriever.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2012
From: saulgoldie
Date: 24 Apr 12 - 01:27 PM

Ooo, ooo...100!