BS: Joke thread for 2023

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Ernest
Date: 14 Jun 23 - 05:13 AM

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 14 Jun 23 - 04:47 AM

Grr. I can’t remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6, and 500 as Roman numerals!

IM LIVID!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 14 Jun 23 - 04:41 AM

A Roman soldier was bragging to his mate in a bar. "How many women do you reckon I've slept with, Titus?"

"mmm..."

"Bloody hell, no, not that many!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 14 Jun 23 - 04:26 AM

A chicken and an egg walked into a bar. The barman said, "OK, who's first?"


A pantomime horse walked into a bar. "Would you like a pint?" asked the barman.

"No, two halves."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Raggytash
Date: 13 Jun 23 - 08:41 PM

Nice one Steve :-)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 13 Jun 23 - 08:27 PM

Hear the one about the Roman soldier who walked into a bar, put two fingers up to the barman and got five pints?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 13 Jun 23 - 08:25 PM

Grr. Spot the missing hyphens...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 13 Jun 23 - 08:24 PM

There's nowhere near as much fun in this thread, Doug, because the moderators allow a serial troll to infest it with his unfunny nonsense. I started this thread and I've posted far more jokes in it than anyone else, and not a single one have I invented myself. Including this one:


A woman comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?"

She says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old."

"Oh yeah?" sniped her husband, "And what did he say about your forty-five year old arse?"

She said, "Your name never came up in the conversation."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 13 Jun 23 - 07:59 PM

The object of a British education is to teach willpower. The ability to focus and concentrate on something in which you have absolutely no interest.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 13 Jun 23 - 06:00 PM

I used to enjoy Mudcat joke threads, once upon a time.

Still, for what it's worth:

Two crows were sitting on a fence, looking into a field.
“I’m not going in there” said the first crow, ”not while that man’s in there”.
“It’s not a man. It’s a scarecrow” said the second crow.
“Well, it looks like a man to me”.
“No, it’s definitely a scarecrow”
“How can you tell?” asked the first crow.
“He hasn’t got a mobile phone in his hand”.

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 13 Jun 23 - 05:59 PM

You've certainly got very big balls, that's for sure.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 13 Jun 23 - 05:49 PM

crowd in front of Brian...
WE ARE ALL DIFFERENT MY LORD,...i'm not.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 13 Jun 23 - 04:49 PM

You too confuse laughter with humor. Just denying the sky is sometimes blue doesn't make it true. We all know about night and storms.
The theme of Life of Brian is that we should think for ourselves.
You strike me as an antidote for humor.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 13 Jun 23 - 02:28 PM

You haven't got a bloody clue. And equating yourself with John Cleese is absolutely the best joke you've ever made here.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 13 Jun 23 - 12:40 PM

buggering is a common British slang
1.
VULGAR SLANG•BRITISH
cause serious harm or damage to.
2.
penetrate the anus of (someone) during sex.

The American equivalent is *ucking Ass hole.
I think some of you use your equivalent quite often, here comes the big but, but probably not in a gay sense. The gay jokes have disappeared despite June being Pride month.


I'm on the side of John Cleese when it comes to creativity and humor.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 13 Jun 23 - 11:26 AM

Mu.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 12 Jun 23 - 08:41 PM

You're all gay to us

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 12 Jun 23 - 06:25 PM

Gay weddings in England are done at LBGT Kew Gardens.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 12 Jun 23 - 05:11 PM

We went to Rosemoor RHS garden this afternoon (the roses were amazing) but roadworks had us diverted through a little Devon village called Frithelstock. As we drove through I bet Mrs Steve that she couldn't say "Frithelstock" five times very quickly. I won, and it reminded me of the oft-told old joke about the bloke who went to the doctor, complaining that he was having trouble pronouncing his (f)s and (th)s.

The doc said to him, "Well you can't say fairer than that, then..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 12 Jun 23 - 08:17 AM

Breaking news:

A scientist cloned himself today.
A co-worker said, "that's just like him".

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mr Red
Date: 12 Jun 23 - 07:33 AM

A Quantum joke, because it is both funny and not funny at the same time.

An electron is speeding down the highway when a police patrolman pulls it over and says: "Did you realise you were doing exactly 88 mph? Sir**". The electron replies: "Oh thanks, no I am lost"

If you don't understand "Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle" the wave function collapses to "unfunny".

** (because he is a British policeman)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 10 Jun 23 - 08:54 AM

A gnome is in the garden, busily destroying some bushes, when a house cat appears.
“What are you?” asks the cat.
“A gnome, I steal food from humans, I kill their plants, I make annoying noise at night to drive them crazy, and I love mischief.
“And what, may I ask, are you?”
The cat replies, “Um, I’m a gnome.”

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Joe_F
Date: 09 Jun 23 - 11:11 PM

A farmer noticed that his cow was cross-eyed, so he asked a veterinarian if that was anything to worry about. The vet said, "It's probably harmless, but FWIW I know how to fix it. Lend me a length of hose." The farmer found him one. The vet stuck one end up the cow's ass and blew into the other end. Sure enough, the cow's eyes snapped into alignment. But the next day, they were crossed again, so the farmer tried the same treatment, but it didn't work. He called the vet back. The vet took the end of the hose out of the cow's ass, replaced it with the other end, and repeated the treatment. Sure enough, it worked. The farmer asked what the idea was. The vet said, "I didn't want to use the end you had had in your mouth."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 09 Jun 23 - 10:20 PM

ehis joke is all about you bigots.


An Arab and his camel come to a sign in front of an oasis.
'Whites Only - Donuel keep out'
The Arab crosses a line and is ordered to "Stop!"
Why? Are you the owners?
No, but all three of us have decided to guard this oasis
Why?
Because we detest the color of Donuel jokes.
Well, I am not Donuel.
You are not white either.
Of course I am. I'm the same color as Jesus.
The Arab smirked the camel spit and walked on.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 09 Jun 23 - 10:05 PM

Google it.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 09 Jun 23 - 09:49 PM

Whatever you're taking, Don, it's either too much or not enough.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 09 Jun 23 - 08:02 PM

There's plenty micro about you. But just tell us a joke, yeah?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 09 Jun 23 - 07:23 PM

I'm on a micro dosage of CPH4.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 09 Jun 23 - 04:55 PM

He's neck deep in the Big Muddy in this thread, fer sure.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 09 Jun 23 - 04:42 PM

If you jumped in the river in Paris would you be insane?

If you jumped in one in Cairo would you be in denial?

I'd still like a pint of what Donuel is on.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 09 Jun 23 - 04:38 PM

Donuel is a bit like the slug you find in your bowl as you scoop up the last spoonful of your beautiful porridge.

I love that Eiffel joke. I made Mrs Steve turn the telly down so I could tell it her...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 09 Jun 23 - 02:54 PM

O Moderator, where art thou?

What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?
They're both Paris sites.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 09 Jun 23 - 01:46 PM

An Arab and his camel come to a sign in front of an oasis.
'Whites Only - Donuel keep out'
The Arab crosses a line and is ordered to "Stop!"
Why? Are you the owners?
No, but all three of us have decided to guard this oasis
Why?
Because we detest the color of Donuel jokes.
Well, I am not Donuel.
You are not white.
Of course I am. I'm the same color as Jesus.
The camel spit and walked on.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 09 Jun 23 - 01:29 PM

My ex was once standing in front of our full length mirror...naked. She said 'Mike, My hair is thinning, my forehead is wrinkled, I have crows feet round my eyes, my nose has open pores all over it, my neck has a chicken skin appearance, My boobs are sagging and have stretch marks, my belly has stretch marks, my thighs have ugly cellulite and my feet are out of shape, pleae tell me something good about me'......      So I said 'Darling, you have excellent eyesight'

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 08 Jun 23 - 05:24 PM

A bit like "I do like you, but your shit stinks. Nothing personal..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 08 Jun 23 - 04:24 PM

Not quite a joke but just saw a great and apt meme on Faceache

"I know I should respect your opinion but I find that difficult because you're a funking idiot"

:-D

Apologies for the swearing and reference to (anti)social media!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 08 Jun 23 - 04:14 PM

The bottom line here in this thread (wot I myself started) is that what we want is levity. Lightheartedness. A good chortle, a smirk, even a groan. I give not a flying shite whether a given joke has been here two, three or four times before. When I was a kid, I exulted in telling the same joke over and over again. I'm delighted that my seven-year-old grandson is just the same. Donuel can put his "truth" into lots of other threads, many of which he has started himself. So I have to ask myself why he feels the need to pollute this thread with his so-called truth, and his terrible, terrible attempts to make up his own jokes. I can't make up my own jokes. I haven't got that kind of talent. I rely on Ken Dodd, Tim Vine, Tommy Cooper, even the Reader's bloody Digest. I can tell funny stories about things that have happened to me, etc., but they are not jokes. I don't want anyone in this thread getting all heavy, philosophical or moralising. There are threads aplenty where you can do that. This thread needs to be an oasis of more-or-less innocent fun in this fraught world of ours.

Or, to be more succinct, sod off, Donuel.

By way of postscript, here is my grandson's favourite joke.

Why did the little boy fall off his bike?

Because his mother threw a refrigerator at him.

(Just imagine that you're seven again when you read that joke. It works for me!)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 08 Jun 23 - 01:23 PM

Enough is enough Don. I have tried to understand and thought it was me but you have proven to be beyond understanding by most people. Fine. Nothing wrong with marching to the beat of your own drum but when you keep shitting in the same garden, you get kicked.

Now, how about you leave us lesser beings alone and just talk to whatever beings you consider worthy. Which is just another way of saying f... Which reminds me...

Old tramp approaches a well to do bloke for the price of a cup of tea.

" Neither a borrower nor a lender be. William Shakespeare " sez the toff.

The old tramp replies " Fuck off. James Joyce "

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 08 Jun 23 - 01:15 PM

...actually it was my yak.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 08 Jun 23 - 01:14 PM

Funny, that was my cow's answer.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 08 Jun 23 - 01:06 PM

.... I leave the corollary as an exercise for the student.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 08 Jun 23 - 01:04 PM

> I asked my cat "what's 2 minus 2?".

Your cat is a Zen master: the correct answer, of course, is Mu.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 08 Jun 23 - 12:49 PM

Dave the Gnome at heart is not a dog kicker. He's a knobhead lover.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 08 Jun 23 - 12:40 PM

I asked my cat "what's 2 minus 2?".
She said nothing.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 08 Jun 23 - 11:42 AM

If I was critical I would say a misspelling joke is not that great.
Some prefer empty Zen, or Feng Shui and others Victorian clutter.
My wife decided to adopt a "Feng Shui" approach to our house
Which is a Chinese translation of "you no longer get an opinion"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 08 Jun 23 - 11:08 AM

Its a shame you are anti truth.

A child asked his father "Dad, do politicians ever tell the truth?"
The father answered, "Only when they call each other liars."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 08 Jun 23 - 11:05 AM

I think you may have something with the hardware incompatibility analogy, Don. Trouble is your transmitter is causing interference with everyone else's receivers and, unfortunately, drowning out a lot of the better exchanges. How about you limit your transmissions to those who understand what the fuck you are talking about?

I have an analogy that I have used before. If my local pub starts getting pestered by a knobhead who just talks bollocks all the time, the rgulars have a choice. Either they leave or they ask the landlord to throw him out. Sorry to have to tell you, but you are that knobhead and, before long, the management will realise. It is well and good saying ignore it but, to use another analogy, if a dog keeps shitting on your front lawn you can either ignore it or kick the dog.

Anyroads...

What's green, has eight legs and if it fell on you out of a tree it would kill you?

A snooker table.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 08 Jun 23 - 10:23 AM

I got it but merely smirked silently, Dave.

No-one is trying to insult you, o jokeless one. Rather, we are trying to educate you. But, just as turds can't be polished and pork can't be educated, we seem to be having a bit of trouble with our endeavour.

We don't want your truths in a joke thread. We want jokes.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 08 Jun 23 - 10:09 AM

Glad someone got it :-D

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 08 Jun 23 - 09:58 AM

Bwahah! Type O!