Lyrics & Knowledge Personal Pages Record Shop Auction Links Radio & Media Kids Membership Help
The Mudcat Cafesj

Post to this Thread - Sort Descending - Printer Friendly - Home


BS: American jokes

GUEST,The O'Meara 13 Mar 03 - 11:16 AM
Morticia 13 Mar 03 - 11:39 AM
mack/misophist 13 Mar 03 - 11:45 AM
beadie 13 Mar 03 - 11:52 AM
catspaw49 13 Mar 03 - 12:04 PM
gnu 13 Mar 03 - 12:08 PM
C-flat 13 Mar 03 - 01:02 PM
gnu 13 Mar 03 - 01:09 PM
gnu 13 Mar 03 - 01:17 PM
Clinton Hammond 13 Mar 03 - 01:53 PM
gnu 13 Mar 03 - 02:06 PM
GUEST, herc 13 Mar 03 - 02:06 PM
gnu 13 Mar 03 - 02:34 PM
GUEST, herc 13 Mar 03 - 02:36 PM
catspaw49 13 Mar 03 - 02:42 PM
gnu 13 Mar 03 - 02:43 PM
gnu 13 Mar 03 - 02:53 PM
GUEST, herc 13 Mar 03 - 03:09 PM
Rapparee 13 Mar 03 - 03:13 PM
Blackcatter 13 Mar 03 - 03:16 PM
Gareth 13 Mar 03 - 03:16 PM
Blackcatter 13 Mar 03 - 03:19 PM
*daylia* 13 Mar 03 - 03:41 PM
gnu 13 Mar 03 - 03:57 PM
Jack the Sailor 13 Mar 03 - 06:14 PM
GUEST,kim 13 Mar 03 - 07:51 PM
Troll 13 Mar 03 - 10:27 PM
Rustic Rebel 13 Mar 03 - 11:05 PM
Cluin 13 Mar 03 - 11:16 PM
Gurney 14 Mar 03 - 12:22 AM
leprechaun 14 Mar 03 - 05:35 AM
gnu 14 Mar 03 - 05:59 AM
Rapparee 14 Mar 03 - 08:56 AM
GUEST 14 Mar 03 - 09:56 AM
beadie 14 Mar 03 - 10:07 AM
Alice 14 Mar 03 - 11:03 AM
Alice 14 Mar 03 - 11:06 AM
GUEST,The O'Meara 14 Mar 03 - 11:19 AM
ard mhacha 14 Mar 03 - 02:13 PM
Rustic Rebel 14 Mar 03 - 02:40 PM
gnu 14 Mar 03 - 03:40 PM
kendall 15 Mar 03 - 12:31 PM
gnu 15 Mar 03 - 12:33 PM
Joe_F 15 Mar 03 - 11:48 PM
KarlMarx 16 Mar 03 - 11:42 AM
KarlMarx 16 Mar 03 - 12:35 PM
Bill D 16 Mar 03 - 06:47 PM
Gareth 16 Mar 03 - 06:54 PM
The Walrus 16 Mar 03 - 08:43 PM
Mrrzy 17 Mar 03 - 10:44 AM
Bill D 17 Mar 03 - 11:03 AM
Mrrzy 17 Mar 03 - 11:23 AM
KarlMarx 17 Mar 03 - 06:57 PM
GUEST,Hovering Nurk 17 Mar 03 - 08:42 PM
Wolfgang 18 Mar 03 - 04:13 AM
Uncle_DaveO 18 Mar 03 - 11:04 AM
beadie 18 Mar 03 - 11:09 AM
Doktor Doktor 18 Mar 03 - 11:20 AM
Gareth 18 Mar 03 - 06:48 PM
Robin2 18 Mar 03 - 09:13 PM
Little Hawk 18 Mar 03 - 10:48 PM
Wolfgang 19 Mar 03 - 04:34 AM
An Pluiméir Ceolmhar 19 Mar 03 - 05:02 AM
Gervase 19 Mar 03 - 05:46 AM
Dave Bryant 19 Mar 03 - 10:49 AM
GUEST,Goat 19 Mar 03 - 03:13 PM
Little Hawk 19 Mar 03 - 05:54 PM
Uncle_DaveO 19 Mar 03 - 07:31 PM
gnu 20 Mar 03 - 07:25 AM
Dave Bryant 20 Mar 03 - 10:27 AM
GUEST,noddy 20 Mar 03 - 12:42 PM
Joe_F 20 Mar 03 - 07:16 PM
gnu 21 Mar 03 - 06:48 AM
gnu 29 Mar 03 - 10:58 AM
GUEST 29 Mar 03 - 06:08 PM
GUEST,Catter being anon 30 Mar 03 - 11:35 AM
gnu 30 Mar 03 - 11:50 AM
Folkiedave 30 Mar 03 - 03:33 PM
Ebbie 30 Mar 03 - 04:35 PM
Don Firth 30 Mar 03 - 06:29 PM
Gareth 31 Mar 03 - 01:35 AM
gnu 31 Mar 03 - 04:59 AM
gnu 31 Mar 03 - 05:24 AM
Catarina 31 Mar 03 - 06:10 AM
Yo' Daddy 31 Mar 03 - 07:51 AM
JennyO 31 Mar 03 - 09:23 AM
GUEST,Geordie 31 Mar 03 - 09:40 AM
GUEST 31 Mar 03 - 09:44 AM
GUEST,Richard L 31 Mar 03 - 10:10 AM
Dave Bryant 01 Apr 03 - 07:04 AM
GUEST 01 Apr 03 - 02:02 PM
TIA 01 Apr 03 - 02:44 PM
gnu 02 Apr 03 - 05:33 AM
GUEST,Geordie 02 Apr 03 - 08:31 AM
GUEST,Norton1 02 Apr 03 - 12:34 PM
GUEST,Norton1 02 Apr 03 - 12:39 PM
GUEST,Forum Lurker 02 Apr 03 - 01:20 PM
gnu 03 Apr 03 - 06:45 AM
TIA 03 Apr 03 - 09:36 AM
Steve in Idaho 03 Apr 03 - 10:15 PM
GUEST,guest 04 Apr 03 - 03:55 AM
gnu 04 Apr 03 - 06:23 AM
The O'Meara 04 Apr 03 - 09:38 AM
gnu 04 Apr 03 - 11:28 AM
The O'Meara 04 Apr 03 - 11:33 AM
Gurney 05 Apr 03 - 05:53 AM
Strupag 05 Apr 03 - 02:31 PM
gnu 06 Apr 03 - 06:43 AM
gnu 21 Apr 03 - 07:12 AM
thehiker 21 Apr 03 - 09:09 AM
Ely 21 Apr 03 - 10:05 AM
GUEST 21 Apr 03 - 06:51 PM
CraigS 21 Apr 03 - 08:28 PM
GUEST,Claymore 21 Apr 03 - 09:29 PM
Uncle_DaveO 21 Apr 03 - 10:06 PM
Forum Lurker 21 Apr 03 - 10:46 PM
GUEST,pdc 22 Apr 03 - 01:34 AM
Uncle_DaveO 22 Apr 03 - 01:49 PM
GUEST,Melani 22 Apr 03 - 06:47 PM
Ebbie 22 Apr 03 - 09:02 PM
DonMeixner 22 Apr 03 - 09:39 PM
Forum Lurker 22 Apr 03 - 11:03 PM
GUEST,pdc 24 Apr 03 - 05:53 PM
GUEST,pdc 24 Apr 03 - 05:55 PM
Art Thieme 25 Apr 03 - 12:08 PM
TIA 25 Apr 03 - 12:53 PM
GUEST,The O'Meara 25 Apr 03 - 05:36 PM
Uncle_DaveO 25 Apr 03 - 06:27 PM
Schantieman 26 Apr 03 - 01:42 PM
Forum Lurker 26 Apr 03 - 02:18 PM
Schantieman 26 Apr 03 - 02:32 PM
GUEST 26 Apr 03 - 03:21 PM
Gareth 18 May 03 - 02:17 PM
GUEST,Johnny in OKC 18 May 03 - 09:14 PM
gnu 05 Jun 03 - 04:50 AM
Tam the bam fraeSaltcoatsScotland 05 Jun 03 - 01:15 PM
Tam the bam fraeSaltcoatsScotland 05 Jun 03 - 01:25 PM
Tam the bam fraeSaltcoatsScotland 05 Jun 03 - 01:26 PM
GUEST,amergin 05 Jun 03 - 01:54 PM
GUEST 06 Jun 03 - 12:56 AM
GUEST,Larry Kaufman 06 Jun 03 - 08:42 AM
gnu 06 Jun 03 - 10:55 AM
Art Thieme 09 Jun 03 - 12:11 AM
Mr Red 09 Jun 03 - 09:37 AM
Wilfried Schaum 10 Jun 03 - 02:57 AM
Schantieman 10 Jun 03 - 08:15 AM
Wilfried Schaum 11 Jun 03 - 01:43 AM
gnu 12 Jun 03 - 06:31 AM
Bert 13 Jun 03 - 12:21 AM
GUEST,Silly SOB Sout of Canada, and North of Mexic 25 Feb 07 - 05:34 PM
Peace 25 Feb 07 - 05:36 PM
Ebbie 25 Feb 07 - 08:06 PM

Share Thread
more
Lyrics & Knowledge Search [Advanced]
DT  Forum
Sort (Forum) by:relevance date
DT Lyrics:













Subject: BS: American jokes
From: GUEST,The O'Meara
Date: 13 Mar 03 - 11:16 AM

Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'


There are thousands of jokes about countries and/or ethnic groups: "How many Frenchman does it take to defend Paris?", "Why do Germans...", "Canada wants to send military aid..." etc. So it seems to me there ought to be jokes in those countries going the other way "How many Americans does it take..."

Anybody out there know any?

O'Meara


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Morticia
Date: 13 Mar 03 - 11:39 AM

Do we really have to have these kinds of jokes at all?


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: mack/misophist
Date: 13 Mar 03 - 11:45 AM

It would be good for us Americans to see how the world characterizes us. And some of the jokes might be funny.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: beadie
Date: 13 Mar 03 - 11:52 AM

How amny Americans does it take to change a light bulb?


Just one, he stands on the ladder, holds the bulb and lets the world revolve around him.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: catspaw49
Date: 13 Mar 03 - 12:04 PM

From an American, how about one in the style of Henny Youngman..........."Take my President.....Please!"

Spaw


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: gnu
Date: 13 Mar 03 - 12:08 PM

"Canada wants to send military aid...". Ya knooooowwww... we just lost the last surviving veteran of Vimy Ridge. An almost unbelieveable story of the toughness we supplied during WWII and a turning point in that war. Daylia reminded us recently on another thread of the Dieppe raid and of the sacrifice Canada made on D-Day. My father used to tell of the fact that the Canucks waited on the roadside for three days so that the Brits and Yanks could catch up and all enter Rome together. My father-in-law was badly wounded by a potato masher shortly after the battle of Monte Christo (sp ?) in an advance scout party well behind enemy lines. You can't spend an evening with my uncle without him reminding everyone that the majority of front line officers were Canucks in a special placement in command of allied troops from a various nations. Or of how he was reported dead to his mother after being behind enemy lines for over a week, radioing info back and ducking bullets on his motorcycle. I could go on, but I won't, cause I'm just a Canuck from one of the lowly colonies. Hey, I can take a joke, but sometimes.... oh well, I'll have another beer. That's what we Canucks are (more) famous for.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: C-flat
Date: 13 Mar 03 - 01:02 PM

Well there's the old one about the American farmer, holidaying in the U.K. and boasting over a drink in a village pub about how much bigger his farm was than the small local farms were....
"If I got into my truck and set off driving in any direction, it would take me till sundown to reach the boundary of my farm!"

"Aye!" said the wrinkled old farmer sitting by the fire, "I used to have a truck like that!"


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: gnu
Date: 13 Mar 03 - 01:09 PM

Ahhh... a Bud, no less. There, I've got my Canuck temper under control. My apologies for that outburst. How many Canucks does it take to change a lightbulb ? Lord t'underin' Jaysus Bye ! Leave da blood of a bitch out. The powers goin' hup nudder t'ree percent end a March mont' ! Do yer work inna daylight !


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: gnu
Date: 13 Mar 03 - 01:17 PM

Then there's the one about the Texan in NF bragging about the bigger this and that and how fast everything gets built back home. Driving by the Hotel NF in St. John's, the Texan asks what building that is. The Newf replies, "I don't know, wasn't there this morning."


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Clinton Hammond
Date: 13 Mar 03 - 01:53 PM

Courtesy of This Hour Has 22 Minutes, CBC Television:

On behalf of Canadians everywhere I'd like to offer an apology to the United States of America. We haven't been getting along very well recently and for that, I am truly sorry.

I'm sorry we called George Bush a moron. He is a moron but, it wasn't nice of us to point it out. If it's any consolation, the fact that he's a moron shouldn't reflect poorly on the people of America. After all, it's not like you actually elected him.

I'm sorry about our softwood lumber. Just because we have more trees than you doesn't give us the right to sell you lumber that's cheaper and better than your own.

I'm sorry we beat you in Olympic hockey. In our defence I guess our excuse would be that our team was much, much, much, much better than yours.

I'm sorry we burnt down your white house during the war of 1812. I notice you've rebuilt it! It's Very Nice.

I'm sorry about your beer. I know we had nothing to do with your beer but, we Feel your Pain.

I'm sorry about our waffling on Iraq. I mean, when you're going up against a crazed dictator, you wanna have your friends by your side. I realize it took more than two years before you guys pitched in against Hitler, but that was different. Everyone knew he had weapons.

And finally on behalf of all Canadians, I'm sorry that we're constantly apologizing for things in a passive-aggressive way which is really a thinly veiled criticism. I sincerely hope that you're not upset over this. We've seen what you do to countries you get upset with.


heh


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: gnu
Date: 13 Mar 03 - 02:06 PM

Who did that rant Clinton ? Sounds like classic JB, but, alas, he has gone on to smaller and worse things.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: GUEST, herc
Date: 13 Mar 03 - 02:06 PM

gnu: My grandfather (29th Battalion) was in the mud at Vimy Ridge and Paaschendaele and elsewhere. I hang a picture at home of his platoon, with "x"'s that he drew across the chests of those who died in Vimy Ridge (most of them.)

I personally don't get any twinges of patriotism out of it. What it does do to me all the time is impart a sense of amazement and humility at the toughness of the generations who preceded us, in all the participating countries.

(and, to throw in a bit of editorialization, right now it shames me when I think of smart bombs targeted at third world populations, enlisted or otherwise.)


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: gnu
Date: 13 Mar 03 - 02:34 PM

herc... it does not shame me... it saddens me. In the end, I think we all know that the only justifiable cause for war is to free the poor subjugated by the rich; to free the weak subjugated by the strong. Unfortunately, much of what is imminently before us is grey and we, the peons, can only hope that our leaders have good in their hearts and have ultimate peace on their minds; and that the immediate objectives of today lead to the strategic objectives of tomorrow.... peace and goodwill among men. If I was to think that it is only about a bunch of power hungry oil barons, I'd be beyond sad.

As for patriotic feelings, I admit, nay, proclaim, that I am proud of this country, of what it has done, and for what it stands. I also have feelings and admiration for those brave souls who fought for such freedom regardless of nation... and for those that will. To me, patriotism comes from being able to attach goodwill and good judgement to the actions of a nation, and I think Canada rates that patriotism.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: GUEST, herc
Date: 13 Mar 03 - 02:36 PM

"By the end of 1916, Canada's front-line battalions required 75,000 men annually, just to replace losses."
http://www.hellfire-corner.demon.co.uk/jchapman.htm


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: catspaw49
Date: 13 Mar 03 - 02:42 PM

Talk about thread drift.......First time I recall being bummed out on a joke thread. I think this one has passed "Thread Drift" and also has passed "Thread Creep" and is now in the "Thread Blown All To Hell" category.

Spaw


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: gnu
Date: 13 Mar 03 - 02:43 PM

Alrighty then !!! Canuck and Yank send beer away to lab to be anylysed. Cdn beer results comes back : 8% alcohol, 10 % etc. US beer results comes back : Dear Sir... we are sorry to inform you that your horse has died of diabetes. (Yes, I drink Bud. Better than getting it from the horse.)


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: gnu
Date: 13 Mar 03 - 02:53 PM

Yeeees Spaw and I take full responsibility. Perhaps I should change my moniker to thread killer ? Okaaaay.... how many Canucks does it take to change a light bulb ? Are you counting the snowplow driver so's we can get to Crappy Tire for to get a bulb ?


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: GUEST, herc
Date: 13 Mar 03 - 03:09 PM

A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a Buckeye joke?" The guy next to him says, "Before you start, you should know something. I'm a black belt, and just happen to be an Ohio State alumni. The guy sitting next to me, the two-hundred pounder, is from OSU. The fella next to him just happens to be an OSU alumni. Better be funny. You sure you want to tell it?"

The guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it three times."


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Rapparee
Date: 13 Mar 03 - 03:13 PM

What's got about a forty thousand legs and an IQ of 250?
The student body at the University of Kentucky.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Blackcatter
Date: 13 Mar 03 - 03:16 PM

Since when are Canadians Americans?

Oh - wait . . .


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Gareth
Date: 13 Mar 03 - 03:16 PM

OK two American Jokes, heard from those who were there.

1/. Picture the scene - NATO execises in the Mediteranean Sea in the 1950's

US Navy and Royal Navy in joint manouevers.

US Admiral in command.

Over the Radio "Weeel, Lets try some high speed manouvers, Y'all"

"When I say a word begining with "S" all units will turn to Starboard, and when I say a Word begining with "P" all units will turn to Port"

The manouvers continue.

" Sugar Sugar Sugar" and all units turned to Starboard.

"Peter Peter Peter" and all units turned to Port.

"Phycology Phycology Phycology" (SP) and the RN turned to Port, and the USN turned to Starboard.

(Told to me by an old RN (Ret) Leading Signalman.)

2/. "When the Luftwaffe flew over, the Allies took cover,
When the RAF flew over the Wermacht took cover,
And when the USAAF flew over everybody took cover"

(Told to me by my father - Whose unit orders were, if you can't see RAF markings, open fire)

Gareth


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Blackcatter
Date: 13 Mar 03 - 03:19 PM

Remember that in the U.S. we joke about people from other states or regions.

Of course I can't think of any right now.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: *daylia*
Date: 13 Mar 03 - 03:41 PM

Clinton that's hilarious! Thanks, and HOSERS RULE eh?!!

Here's an Ameri-Can joke for y'all ...

"A Canadian is having his 'petit dejeuner' (coffee, croissants, bread, butter & jam) when an American man, chewing gum, sits down next to him. The Canadian ignores the American who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

American: "You Canada folk eat the whole bread??"

Canadian (in a bad mood): "Of course."

American: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to Canada." The American has a smirk on his face. The Canadian listens in silence.

The American persists: "D'ya eat jelly with the bread??"

Canadian: "Of Course."

American: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We don't. In the States we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and left overs in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to Canada."

The Canadian then asks: "Do you have sex in America?"

American: "Why of course we do", the American says with a big smirk.

Canadian: And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

American: "We throw them away, of course."

Canadian: "We don't. In Canada, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to America."


But this one's been my favorite of late ... he he!

daylia


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: gnu
Date: 13 Mar 03 - 03:57 PM

Blackcatter... hehehehe. Okay now. Contribute. It's all about a laugh.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 13 Mar 03 - 06:14 PM

How is American Beer like making love in a canoe?










Because it is f***ing close to water


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: GUEST,kim
Date: 13 Mar 03 - 07:51 PM

All I know re. battle prowess is that my grandfather (English) said that the Canadians were great and the Yanks more yellow than the Japanese. Ouch!


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Troll
Date: 13 Mar 03 - 10:27 PM

Does anyone know how to tell the difference between Bud Lite and water?












Me neither.

troll


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Rustic Rebel
Date: 13 Mar 03 - 11:05 PM

ok Blackcatter- a joke coming from Minnesota-


Why does the Mississippi run south?


Because Iowa sucks.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Cluin
Date: 13 Mar 03 - 11:16 PM

gnu, Vimy was in WW1.

And the rant was by Colin Mochrie on 22minutes. You can watch a video of it at 22minutes.com and even show your support for Marg in her bid for the Liberal leadership.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Gurney
Date: 14 Mar 03 - 12:22 AM

A gentle Les Barker crack...

When I was in Alabama, I saw a great big stone building, and do you know what was chiselled over the doorway?

Mobile Library!


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: leprechaun
Date: 14 Mar 03 - 05:35 AM

What do you call a person who speaks three languages?
Trilingual.

What do you call a person who speaks two languages?
Bilingual.

What do you call a person who speaks one language?
American.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: gnu
Date: 14 Mar 03 - 05:59 AM

Marg for PM... wish I could vote twice. Thanks for the link Cluin. Cluin... yes, your answer on Vimy is correct. Did my post say otherwise... if so, I apologize. By the way guys, there's nothing wrong with Bud. I mean the Canehdian Bud brewed by LaBatts. That American Bud is, uh, different.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Rapparee
Date: 14 Mar 03 - 08:56 AM

Budweiser is little better than, well, water, and not much better than that.

But America is again learning to brew good beers.

"America -- eventually, she learns."


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: GUEST
Date: 14 Mar 03 - 09:56 AM

According to the Bible, it rained for forty days and forty nights, and Noah was begining to worry about the stability of the Ark. Although he had very little formal education, he understood that all the large animal manure piling up was creating an unstable ship. To correct the problem he issued shovels to "all hands" including all the monkeys and apes, who shovelled over the side all the animal shit; and there it lay till Christopher Columbus discovered it.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: beadie
Date: 14 Mar 03 - 10:07 AM

Rustic Rebel:


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Alice
Date: 14 Mar 03 - 11:03 AM

A North Dakotan Game:
Two North Dakotans go into a dark closet.
One sneeks out, and the other one tries to guess who is missing.

--

How many American tourists does it take to change a light bulb?

Fifteen. Five to figure out how much the bulb costs in the local currency, four to comment on "how funny-looking" local lightbulbs are, three to hire
a local person to change the bulb, two to take pictures, and one to buy postcards in case the pictures don't come out.

--

The federal government is trying to decide whether The FBI, the CIA, or the Los Angeles Police Department is the most effective at
apprehending criminals. The issue is to be decided with a test - a rabbit is put in a forest and each organization has to find it.

    The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of
extensive investigation, they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

    The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads, they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies.
The rabbit had it coming.

    The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!

--

It is said that Mohandas Ghandi was asked, "What is your opinion of American civilization?"

His reply: "I think it would be an excellent idea."

--


An American, an Australian, and a Canadian are drinkng beer.

      The American grabs his beer, knocks it back in one gulp, and then throws the glass into the air and shoots it with his handgun. As he sets the
handgun on the bar, he tells the Canadian and the Australian that in the great U.S. of A, they have so much money they never drink out of the same
glass twice.

      Next the Australian drinks his beer, throws the glass into the air and shoots the glass with the American's gun. As he sets the gun back on the
bar he, proclaims that in Australia they have so much sand that glass is cheap, and he too never drinks out of the same glass twice.

      Next the Canadian drinks his beer, grabs the gun off the bar, and shoots the American. As he sets the gun back on the bar, he tells the
Australian, "In Canada, we have so many Americans you never have to drink with the same one twice".


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Alice
Date: 14 Mar 03 - 11:06 AM

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, some of the training of the astronauts took place on a Navajo Indian reservation. One day, a
Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question that his son
translated. "What are these guys in the big suits doing?"

A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts.

Recognizing a promotional opportunity, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked his son to
translate it. He refused. The NASA PR people brought the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but they refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.

Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. His translation of the old man's message was "Watch out for these guys;
they have come to steal your land."


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: GUEST,The O'Meara
Date: 14 Mar 03 - 11:19 AM

Whew! For awhile there I thought the thread was totally lost! (I might poke fun at the Canadian government, even the culture, but no one should ever doubt their courage under fire. "Sergeant MacKenzie" is one of the most moving songs ever written!)

Back in the early 1900s, during the heyday of Teddy Roosevelt, a yank was visiting London and decided to post a letter home. He barged into the post office, stepped up to the counter, and in a loud, blustery voice said "How much to send a letter to God's country - the greatest nation on earth - the good ol' U.S. of A?" Without batting an eye the clerk calmly responded "Tuppence. Same as the other the colonies."

Keep 'em coming.

O'Meara


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: ard mhacha
Date: 14 Mar 03 - 02:13 PM

"Ladies and Gentlemen, The President of the United States" and out come Bush, now that really is funny. Ard Mhacha.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Rustic Rebel
Date: 14 Mar 03 - 02:40 PM

Beadie:


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: gnu
Date: 14 Mar 03 - 03:40 PM

Perhaps not a joke, but, during the Prince Edward Island potatoe crisis a couple of years ago, (the PVYN (PVN ?) virus was found in one corner of one farmer's field in PEI and the Yanks just refused to let ANY potatoes across the border from the Maritimes) President Bush was wined and dined by our big guy, Jean. For nearly four days, Garge was served Patates d'Isle du Prince Edouard (close enough) at every meal. At the end of the trip, Jean asked him about the quality of the spuds. After he responded most favourably, Jean had a "talk" with him and the outright ban at the border was lifted.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: kendall
Date: 15 Mar 03 - 12:31 PM

Clinton, that was very funny!
\
....the first marines went over the top parlay vous
"                     "                      "
"                           "               "
the first marines went over the top
picked up the pennies the Canadians dropped,
inky dinky parley vous.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: gnu
Date: 15 Mar 03 - 12:33 PM

Hey bye. Where are ya to ? Ere ye back from the south or wha ?


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Joe_F
Date: 15 Mar 03 - 11:48 PM

Yanks think 200 years is a long time, and Brits think 200 miles is a long way.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: KarlMarx
Date: 16 Mar 03 - 11:42 AM

It is said that Mohandas Ghandi was asked, "What is your opinion of American civilization?"

His reply: "I think it would be an excellent idea."


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: KarlMarx
Date: 16 Mar 03 - 12:35 PM

The following is allegedly the transcript of a radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995, as released by the Chief of Naval Operations:

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Bill D
Date: 16 Mar 03 - 06:47 PM

WARRANTY CARD - McDonnell DOUGLAS CORPORATION

PRODUCT SUPPORT QUESTIONNAIRE

Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.

1. Title

[_] Mr.
[_] Mrs.
[_] Ms.
[_] Miss
[_] Lt.
[_] Gen.
[_] Comrade
[_] Classified
[_] Other

First Name:............................................
Initial: ........
Last Name:.............................................
Password: .............................. (max. 8 char)
Code Name:.............................................
Latitude-Longitude-Altitude:......................


2. Which model of aircraft did you purchase?
[_] F-14 Tomcat
[_] F-15 Eagle
[_] F-16 Falcon
[_] F-117A Stealth
[_] Classified

3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day):
......../......./......

4. Serial Number:
........................................

5. Please indicate where this product was purchased:

[_] Received as gift / aid package
[_] Catalogue / showroom
[_] Independent arms broker
[_] Mail order
[_] Discount store
[_] Government surplus
[_] Classified

6. Please indicate how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you have just purchased:

[_] Heard loud noise, looked up
[_] Store display
[_] Espionage
[_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally
[_] Political lobbying by manufacturer
[_] Was attacked by one

7. Please indicate the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:

[_] Style / appearance
[_] Speed / maneuverability
[_] Price / value
[_] Comfort / convenience
[_] Kickback / bribe
[_] Recommended by salesperson
[_] McDonnell Douglas reputation
[_] Advanced Weapons Systems
[_] Backroom politics
[_] Negative experience opposing one in combat

8. Please indicate the location(s) where this product will be used:

[_] North America
[_] Iraq
[_] Iraq
[_] Aircraft carrier
[_] Iraq
[_] Europe
[_] Iraq
[_] Middle East (not Iraq)
[_] Iraq
[_] Africa
[_] Iraq
[_] Asia / Far East
[_] Iraq
[_] Misc. Third World countries
[_] Iraq
[_] Classified
[_] Iraq

9. Please indicate the products that you currently own or intend to purchase in the near future:

[_] Color TV
[_] VCR
[_] ICBM
[_] Killer Satellite
[_] Satellite Killer
[_] CD Player
[_] Air-to-Air Missile
[_] Space Shuttle
[_] Home Computer
[_] Nuclear Weapon

10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? (Indicate all that apply:)

[_] Communist / Socialist
[_] Terrorist
[_] Crazed
[_] Neutral
[_] Democratic
[_] Dictatorship
[_] Corrupt
[_] Primitive / Tribal

11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?

[_] Deficit spending
[_] Cash
[_] Suitcases of cocaine
[_] Oil revenues
[_] Personal check
[_] Credit card
[_] Ransom money
[_] Traveler's check

12. Your occupation:

[_] Homemaker
[_] Sales / marketing
[_] Revolutionary
[_] Clerical
[_] Mercenary
[_] Tyrant
[_] Middle management
[_] Eccentric billionaire
[_] Defense Minister / General
[_] Retired
[_] Student

13. To help us better understand our customers, please indicate the interests and activities in which you enjoy participating on a regular basis:

[_] Golf
[_] Boating / sailing
[_] Sabotage
[_] Running / jogging
[_] Propaganda / misinformation
[_] Destabilization / overthrow
[_] Default on loans
[_] Gardening
[_] Crafts
[_] Black market / smuggling
[_] Collectibles / collections
[_] Watching sports on TV
[_] Wines
[_] Interrogation / torture
[_] Household pets
[_] Crushing rebellions
[_] Espionage / reconnaissance
[_] Fashion clothing
[_] Border disputes
[_] Mutually Assured Destruction


Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future - as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia. As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will be registered to win a brand new F-117A in our Desert Thunder Sweepstakes!

Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes?
Please write to:

McDonnell DOUGLAS CORPORATION,
Marketing Department,
Military Aerospace Division :)

IMPORTANT:
This email is intended for the use of the individual addressee(s) named above and may contain information that is confidential privileged or unsuitable for overly sensitive persons with low self-esteem, no sense of humor, or irrational religious beliefs. If you are not the intended recipient, any dissemination, distribution or copying of this email is not authorized (either explicitly or implicitly) and constitutes an irritating social faux pas. Unless the word absquatulation has been used in its correct context somewhere other than in this warning, it does not have any legal or grammatical use and may be ignored. No animals were harmed in the transmission of this email, although the crazy dog next door is living on borrowed time, let me tell you! Those of you with an overwhelming fear of the unknown will be gratified to learn that there is no hidden message revealed by reading this warning backwards, so just ignore that Alert Notice from Microsoft. However, by pouring a complete circle of salt around yourself and your computer you can ensure that no harm befalls you and your pets. If you have received this email in error, please add some nutmeg and egg whites, whisk and place in a warm oven for 40 minutes. Sure, you can TRUST the Government. Ask any Indian.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Gareth
Date: 16 Mar 03 - 06:54 PM

Yeee ! Haaaa ! LOL !!!!!!

Gareth - needing a clean pair of underpants !


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: The Walrus
Date: 16 Mar 03 - 08:43 PM

SCENE: A traffic jam outside Paris, the usual bored drivers when along the line of traffic a group of men are seen knocking on the window of each car and chatting to the driver.

CALLER: Have you heard the news? Al Quaida have managed to kidnap George W, they're threatening that unless the get a billion dollers US and an apology from the American government, they're going to doude him in petrol and set him alight, so my colleagues and I are going from car to car to collect what we can.
DRIVER: So what's everyone else giving?
CALLER: Oh, on average, five litres.

All right, so I shouldn't listen to jokes in the pub (and yes it is funnier after a few pints).

Walrus


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Mrrzy
Date: 17 Mar 03 - 10:44 AM

These are great! I especially like the Your Call from the lovely Canadians. Sounds just like an American, somehow, to demand the right of passage.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Bill D
Date: 17 Mar 03 - 11:03 AM

"Sounds just like an American, somehow..."
....well, like 'some' Americans. The kind of story could fit like a glove a self-important military commander from many countries....I like a good joke or story, but dislike generalizations that are taken too seriously...


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Mrrzy
Date: 17 Mar 03 - 11:23 AM

I duuno, if the Americans had the lighthouse, I think the Canadians would have swerved a little sooner... but you're right, and I stand corrected and pulled back from my gross generalization.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: KarlMarx
Date: 17 Mar 03 - 06:57 PM

In all fairness to the American military personality, the archetypal Prussian "Gewehrkugelkopf" was the butt of humor throughout the German-speaking world, as is now, the late, not-lamented Corporal from Austria, who sported the funny little mustache . . .


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: GUEST,Hovering Nurk
Date: 17 Mar 03 - 08:42 PM

Fifty bonus points and an internet buck if you know the originator of the following quote:

"The United States - The only nation to have gone from barbarism to decadence without the intervening period of civilization."


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Wolfgang
Date: 18 Mar 03 - 04:13 AM

A joke I heard in Germany:

Have you heard the USA will rename its capital?
No. Into what?
Whitewashington.

Wolfgang


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 18 Mar 03 - 11:04 AM

Hovering Nurk, the style and sentiment sound like Oscar Wilde to me.

Dave Oesterreich


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: beadie
Date: 18 Mar 03 - 11:09 AM

Perhaps, HN, might this be a product of the deliciously cynical Mrs. Dorothy Parker?


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Doktor Doktor
Date: 18 Mar 03 - 11:20 AM

Can't let this go without comment on the occasion of my poor old Pop's funeral. We had to work the date around a big air display in Lowestoft (UK). One of the Burma Star (famed for gallows humour) said we ought to carry on regardless - "there's Yank planes" he said "they can bomb the church and drop supplies to the Japanese taking photos on the South Pier" .... "Donnie would appreciate that ... that'd be just like it was when he was in Burma"


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Gareth
Date: 18 Mar 03 - 06:48 PM

Ah Well, My late Father always said that the USAAF came nearer killing him than the Weremacht ever did.

After Normandy his orders were, if you could not identify Aircraft as RAF = Open Fire.

Claimed a P-47 once - it wasn't allowed - But the attack stopped.

Gareth


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Robin2
Date: 18 Mar 03 - 09:13 PM

"Fifty bonus points and an internet buck if you know the originator of the following quote:

"The United States - The only nation to have gone from barbarism to decadence without the intervening period of civilization."


Mark Twain?


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Little Hawk
Date: 18 Mar 03 - 10:48 PM

Sure. Here's one...

What do you call a non-American who bombs foreign people?

A terrorist. (Unless he's an Israeli...)

What do you call an American who bombs foreign people?

A courageous defender of democracy.


Here's another:

What do you call it when non-Americans drop A-bombs on people?

Genocide.

What do you call it when Americans do it?

Saving lives.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Wolfgang
Date: 19 Mar 03 - 04:34 AM

Robin 2:

The quotations is mostly attributed to Oscar Wilde.

Wolfgang


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: An Pluiméir Ceolmhar
Date: 19 Mar 03 - 05:02 AM

Saint Brendan the Navigator discovered America 900 years before Christopher Columbus. But he had the good taste to keep quiet about it.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Gervase
Date: 19 Mar 03 - 05:46 AM

Wilde? I always thought it was George Bernard Shaw.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Dave Bryant
Date: 19 Mar 03 - 10:49 AM

A Texan is visiting England and keeps telling people that everything is much bigger in Texas. A young lady from Essex is passing by and the wind lifts her skirt showing the fact that she is not wearing any knickers. "Honey", says the Texan, "What part of Texas are you from ?".


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: GUEST,Goat
Date: 19 Mar 03 - 03:13 PM

KarMarx
       Is Mohandas Ghandi the same guy as Mohatma Ghandi?


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Little Hawk
Date: 19 Mar 03 - 05:54 PM

No...he's the same guy as Mahatma Ghandi.

"Mahatma" means "great soul", and was given to Mohandas Ghandi as a special title of respect. It's a bit like adding "Christ" to the name Jesus...although not exactly the same in connotation.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 19 Mar 03 - 07:31 PM

I believe the spelling of the Mahatma's name is "Gandhi".

Dave Oesterreich


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: gnu
Date: 20 Mar 03 - 07:25 AM

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A
small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the
birch: "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if
that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies: "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of Ash I have ever put my pecker in."

Hey, at least it's punny.

At a pub in Ireland, a newcomer visits and orders three Guinness, sits alone in the rear, drinks them, repeats this three times and leaves, every night for a week. The bartender finally asks why he drinks this way. He replies that his two brothers emmigrated and all agreed that they would always drink this way to continue the bond with the others. After a month or so, the fellow continues the routine but orders only two Guinness each time. After a few nights, urged on by curious patrons who are concerned that the fellow has obviously lost a brother, the bartender approaches the fellow and offers condolences. The fellow replies, "No. No. No. Both of my brothers are fine. I've just given up the drink for lent."


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Dave Bryant
Date: 20 Mar 03 - 10:27 AM

Aren't Texans supposed to be the living proof that the Native Americans shagged had sexual congress with buffalo ?


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: GUEST,noddy
Date: 20 Mar 03 - 12:42 PM

I thought they all were!


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Joe_F
Date: 20 Mar 03 - 07:16 PM

Naw, they're living proof that Okies ****** Mexicans.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: gnu
Date: 21 Mar 03 - 06:48 AM

A Woman Gets Pulled Over by a Police Officer and....
Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Woman: Bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: gnu
Date: 29 Mar 03 - 10:58 AM

In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.
Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day.
The young cowboy took the seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition. "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a lil' lower down on your leg."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"Sure will." said the old-timer.
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
"That's terrific!" said the cowboy, "Got any more tips for me?"
"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.
"You bet it will," said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player.
"Wow!" said the cowboy. "I'm learning' somethin' here. Got any more tips?"
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."
The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"Nope." said the old timer, "But when Wyatt Earp gets done playin' the piano, he's going to shove that gun right up your ass, and it won't hurt as much."


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: GUEST
Date: 29 Mar 03 - 06:08 PM

Here's a new one:

Where is Monica Lewinsky now that we need her?


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: GUEST,Catter being anon
Date: 30 Mar 03 - 11:35 AM

Naughty Gnu!

Is it a coincidence that the Gunslinger Joke is a direct "cut & paste" of the joke of the day from that well known pornographic directory website, "The Yellow Hun".

When Gnu's wrist recovers I think we should be told!

Anon


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: gnu
Date: 30 Mar 03 - 11:50 AM

Gosh !! Imagine that 46 year old single male likes to look at pics of naked women !! Ya know, maybe we should check this phenomenon out. Perhaps we could make some money publishing pics of naked women. Naw, we'd never be able to find any women willing to be photographed naked and surely we could never sell magazines or put anything like that on the net since it's ONLY me that knows about The Hun's Yellow Pages... odd to me that you have to hide your name while you tell Mommy on me. Very poor taste and judgement on your part, I'd say. BTW, BOTH of my wrists are just fine thank you.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Folkiedave
Date: 30 Mar 03 - 03:33 PM

Why do Americans serve their beer cold?

In order to distinguish it from gnat's piss.

Dave
www.collectorsfolk.co.uk
www.holmfirthfestival.com.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Ebbie
Date: 30 Mar 03 - 04:35 PM

"ducking bullets on his motorcycle" This phrase always sounds so funny to me. Can you imagine actually ducking bullets? Man, you is fast.

What do you call a person who speaks three languages?
Trilingual.

What do you call a person who speaks two languages?
Bilingual.

What do you call a person who speaks one language?
American.


What do you call a person who speaks three or more languages and is not American? Crowded.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Don Firth
Date: 30 Mar 03 - 06:29 PM

American jokes?

Well, some we export, like Paul Cellucci

Others, we elect.

Don Firth


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Gareth
Date: 31 Mar 03 - 01:35 AM

Hmmm ! Gnu, following your, ahem, recomendation I've tried the "Hun" ( No, No Clicky - This is a familly website ) Pictures of "intersting Ladies" - Well fine, but it has no links to "interesting Sheep" in various poses etc. Does this mean I still have to have my copy of Farmers Weekly delivered in a plain brown wrapper ?

Gareth - "Nudge Nudge, Wink Wink, know what I mean.... etc."


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: gnu
Date: 31 Mar 03 - 04:59 AM

Gareth... I did not "recommend". However, I believe you may take note of "Playboar" magazine, if it is still published. A buddy of mine had a subscription about 25 years ago. It was a riot. They even had a bunch of swag, like a gold lapel pin (boar with bow tie), membership card, shirts, cards, etc.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: gnu
Date: 31 Mar 03 - 05:24 AM

Of course, I only visit the Hun for the jokes.....

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish." The sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want." The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy." The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Catarina
Date: 31 Mar 03 - 06:10 AM

A world joke I learned from one of my brothers:

UN had an enquiry asking the following question:

"Please, state your opinnion about the food shortage all around the world."

It was a complete failure.

In South America nobody knew what "please" meant.
In Europe no one could tell what "shortage" was.
In China nobody knew the meaning of "opinnion".
In Africa no one could tell what "food" was.
In the USA nobody knew exactly where "the world" was.

The one about the languages, we use it in Portugal with a slight difference:

What do you call a person who speaks three languages?
Trilingual.
What do you call a person who speaks two languages?
Bilingual.
What do you call a person who speaks one language?
Spanish.

My, are we mean or what...


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Yo' Daddy
Date: 31 Mar 03 - 07:51 AM

A beautiful twenty something blonde woman read that bathing in milk was absolutely great for the skin. She called a local dairy and ordered 25 gallons of milk.

"Why do you want so much milk?"

"I want to fill up my bathtub and bathe in it because it is supposed
to be good for my skin."

"Might work. Do you want it pastueurized?"

"No, just up to my tits."


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: JennyO
Date: 31 Mar 03 - 09:23 AM

I heard those lines a number of years ago on the Benny Hill Show (British). It was a song about Ernie the Milkman, who drove the fastest milkcart in the west.

"He said 'You should have pasteurised 'cos pasteurised is best'
She said 'Ernie I'll be happy if it comes up to me chest'"


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: GUEST,Geordie
Date: 31 Mar 03 - 09:40 AM

I believe the "quote" is from George Bernard Shaw.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: GUEST
Date: 31 Mar 03 - 09:44 AM

Why did the Canadian cross the road ? To get to the middle.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: GUEST,Richard L
Date: 31 Mar 03 - 10:10 AM

The Devil: Well Dubya, because of your actions you must spend eternity in Hell. But because Cheney and Rumsfeld forced you to do bad things, I'm going to give you three choices of punishment. Behind each of these doors is an option. Choose carefully.

Door number one opens and Dubya sees Richard Nixon endlessly diving into water for sunken treasure, but coming up empty handed. He's terribly frustrated.

Dubya: Hmmmm I'm not much of a swimmer, I think I'll pass on that one.

Behind the next door, Tony Blair is endlessly breaking rocks with a sledge hammer.

Dubya: Unh, unh, I've got a bum shoulder. What else is there?

In the third room he sees the naked Bill Clinton spread-eagled and manacled on the floor with Monica Lewinsky kneeling over him and doing what she became famous for.

Dubya: Welllll...I think I'll go for this room.

The Devil: OK Monica, your replacement's here, you're free to go.

Richard L


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Dave Bryant
Date: 01 Apr 03 - 07:04 AM

Many years ago the American precision steel industry sent their counterparts in England a sample of "The Smallest Bore tube in the World". I gather that we Brits sent it back with another tube inside it!


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: GUEST
Date: 01 Apr 03 - 02:02 PM

In Belgium the trilingual joke is told about the Walloons... says Mrr, from somewhere cookieless.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: TIA
Date: 01 Apr 03 - 02:44 PM

Two surgeons were comparing their most difficult cases. One recounted how he had re-attached the fingers of a young girl who was now a concert pianist. The other said "I operated on a cowboy who had gotten hit by a train...all that was left was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat...and now he's President".


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: gnu
Date: 02 Apr 03 - 05:33 AM

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. However, one o'clock came and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty and found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace. She quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.
"Now take off my boots."
He did so, slowly.
"Now take off my socks."
He did.
"Now take off my skirt."
He did.
"Now take off my bra."
Again with trembling hands he did as he was told.
Now," she said, "take off my panties."
He slowly pulled them down and off.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes to town again, I'll fire you on the spot."


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: GUEST,Geordie
Date: 02 Apr 03 - 08:31 AM

Hey, Hovering Nerk.......where is my prize. The quote is GBS, isn't it ?


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: GUEST,Norton1
Date: 02 Apr 03 - 12:34 PM

Why are Redneck murders impossible to solve?

1- The DNA is all the same
2- There are no dental records




The toothbrush was invented in West "By God" Virginia. If it had been invented in Ohio it would have been called a "Teethbrush."

Some good ones here
Steve


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: GUEST,Norton1
Date: 02 Apr 03 - 12:39 PM

Subject: Anti-War Protesters (Nothing personal) and I don't know if it is true or not -

To nobody's surprise there were protesters today in DC, they attempted to disrupt the metro system and block the Key Bridge, a leading artery into DC from Northern Virginia. I got hosed twice because I come in from NoVA on the metro and it is raining hard which makes traffic worse any way. My commute was long and arduous and only caused further resentment for protesters (but that isn't the point of this thread). Anyway, I'll get to the point. I got off my train in Rosslyn because I had to use the bathroom and the train was moving quite slowly. When I was getting back on the train, there were protesters on the train platform handing out pamphlets on the evils of America. I politely declined to take one. An elderly woman was behind me getting off the escalator and a young (20ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, she politely declined. The young protester put her hand on the old woman's shoulder as a gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice said, "Ma'am, don't you care about the children of Iraq?"

The old woman looked up at her and said, "Honey, my first husband died in France during World War II so you could have the right to stand here and bad mouth your country. And if you touch me again, I'll stick this umbrella up your a$$ and open it."

I'm glad to report that loud applause broke out among the onlookers and the young protester was at a total loss for words.

this was taken from http://www.depetro.com/listeners.htm


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: GUEST,Forum Lurker
Date: 02 Apr 03 - 01:20 PM

Norton1- You're glad that someone threatened an obviously harmless and well-meaning protestor with physical violence? Or is it because the woman used the argument of "people had to fight for your right, so you shouldn't use it?" Even if you disagree with someone's politics and methods, it seems quite petty to react with such vitriol to "a gesture of friendship."


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: gnu
Date: 03 Apr 03 - 06:45 AM

A young Mom wrote:

While, I was recovering from surgery and spending most of the day in bed, my seven year old son asked me why I didn't get a boyfriend, since my husband (his Dad) had run off. I told him the television is my new boyfriend, he entertains me all the time. And, even though he sometimes doesn't start, I just give it a few hard whacks on the side and it comes back on and I'm happy as a lark for hours. He was satisfied with the explanation and walked away.

Sunday the pastor stopped by to check on my recovery. My son answered the door. The pastor smiled and asked, "Is your Mom busy, son?" My little one looked up at him and replied, "Yes, sir, she's in the bedroom banging her new boyfriend and once she gets him started, she'll be happy for hours!"


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: TIA
Date: 03 Apr 03 - 09:36 AM

The umbrella story has all the hallmarks of an urban myth. Found it told second or third hand in many locations. One version has the old woman delivering the punch line to Barbra Streisand! As a story of an actual event, it would be a bit disturbing. As a joke, it's pretty good.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Steve in Idaho
Date: 03 Apr 03 - 10:15 PM

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out...."Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

So......Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"

Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"

Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

To which Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it?!"



This is a joke thread Froum Lurker - It's a JOKE - Get it?? Or is this someone else??


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: GUEST,guest
Date: 04 Apr 03 - 03:55 AM

who needs a joke when you have Bush? Boy is it sick.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: gnu
Date: 04 Apr 03 - 06:23 AM

A priest and pastor from the local parishes are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car. "Leave us alone you religious nuts! "yelled the first driver as he sped by. From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash. "Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: The O'Meara
Date: 04 Apr 03 - 09:38 AM

Plenty of good humor there, but thread is supposed to be jokes frm else where about Americans. I think.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: gnu
Date: 04 Apr 03 - 11:28 AM

Yeah, but I figure I'll put any of any type in that I find reasonably humourous so as to keep the thread alive, if that's okay. I mean, I'll stop if you want. I don't want to offend anyone, eh ?


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: The O'Meara
Date: 04 Apr 03 - 11:33 AM

Good point. Good thread. BTW, I hate it when I get offended. It makes me so dang mad...

O'Meara


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Gurney
Date: 05 Apr 03 - 05:53 AM

The joke is US, from the www, I'm not. Hope that qualifies it, O'Meara.

What do you get if you cross a crooked lawyer with a crooked politician?
Chelsea Clinton.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Strupag
Date: 05 Apr 03 - 02:31 PM

Another massive Iceberg has broken away in Antarctica. The new berg is 34 miles long by 7 miles wide. It was spotted on a satellite image by the US defence Met programme. This follows a berg the size of Luxembourg breaking away last week and an even bigger one in March.
In March when it was brought to the presidents attention the conversation went like this.
Bush- so what.
Aide - Well if they drift in to warmer water the bergs could melt causing a rise in sea level.
Bush- Why do you guys bring me this shit , I mean what do we care if the sea level rises in Antarctica.
This time around Bush was ready for them.
Aide- There's been another massive iceberg break a way in Antarctica.
Bush- Right and if it gets in to warmer water it'll melt causing a rise in sea levels which affect the whole world and not just Antarctica .
Aide- That's right sir.
Bush- Okay here's what we're going to do. Bomb the shit out of it. To break it up before it gets to warmer water. Now son do you see why I'm the President.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: gnu
Date: 06 Apr 03 - 06:43 AM

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: gnu
Date: 21 Apr 03 - 07:12 AM

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat. She asked him if it was dead or alive. "Dead." She was informed. "How do you know?" she asked her pupil. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: thehiker
Date: 21 Apr 03 - 09:09 AM

An American visitor to Ireland was sitting in a West Cork pub listening to the conversation of the locals. He motions to the barman for another Beamish and when his drink is brought over he remarks to the barman on the range of topics being discussed and expertise of opinions being offered by the locals. As the barman is turning away the Yank says in a very obvious manner that he is more than surprised at the apparent intelligence of the Irish as the world and his dog know that the Irish are thick.The barkeep turns and says in his best stage Oirish "that sir is on account of the smartness pills we do take here abouts" Well says the Yank if that is the effect that those smartness pills have on an inferior intellect just think what the effect on the superior American brain would be.I have to have those pills said the Yank."Fair enough say's the barkeep but they are $50 each."Price is no object get the pills says the tourist"
The barman go's out to a small field at the rear of the pub and puts three round "pills"of goat shit in a bag that has a little icing sugar in he gives the bag a good shake to coat the "pills"and returns to the bar.
"Now say's the barman swollow this smart pill straight down and we will see the result. $50 is handed over and the Yank swollows the "pill".
Half an hour with no visable improvement in the Yanks smartness another "pill"is purchased and swollowed in the same manner as the first.
Another half hour passes and the Yank is no smarter so the third and final pill is purchased and as he hands the pill to the Yank the barman says "Tis obvious that you are a severe case so the best thing to do is to chew this last pill and we'll see what happens"
The Yank bites down on the pill and immediatly spits out the offending item and stands at the bar spluttering,spitting and trying to wipe the taste from his tongue on the sleeve of his coat.
"Suffering Christ says the Yank I have just spent $150 to eat shit"




"Now your getting smart said the barman"


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Ely
Date: 21 Apr 03 - 10:05 AM

I think this was originally a German/Polish joke but my dad always tells it like this (he figures his family was German-American, so we know he doesn't mean it).

WWI--there are two trenches on the battlefield, one full of Americans and one full of Germans. They've been throwing grenades at each other for hours and neither side is making much progress. Finally, one German asks another, "What's a common American name?"

"Bob," suggests the comrade, so the first German shouts:

"Hey, Bob!"

An American stands up in the opposing trench and says, "Yeah?" and the Germans shoot him. The Germans do this four or five more times until finally one of the Americans asks his neighbor, "Well, what's a common German name?"

"Fritz," says the second American. The first American hollers:

"Hey, Fritz!"

Thinking quickly, the German replies, "Is that you, Bob?"

"Yeah, it's me!" . . . [you get the picture]


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: GUEST
Date: 21 Apr 03 - 06:51 PM

I am an American, and the jokes are pretty funny, but if anything that has been made fun of that seriously needs to be corrected is the narrow-mindedness of Americans thinking that everyone in the world has must speak English. About a year ago there was a local letter sent in to editor and printed that basically said that the world must revolve around him. We live in Texas and there are a lot of bilingual people here (Spanish/English mostly) and apparently this man was in a grocery store and overheard two people speaking Spanish and he was offended by it. My father read the paper and he is bilingual (born and raised in Puerto Rico, an island in the Caribbean, first language Spanish). He and others started writing into the paper, so many in fact that a small section in the paper said to please stop sending letters....

More Americans should read jokes like these and open up their minds a little, its thinking like that that split us in our Civil War and in the 60's.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: CraigS
Date: 21 Apr 03 - 08:28 PM

I was under the impression that the biggest difference between Canadian and American humour was that Americans have an irony deficiency. I once mentioned this to a Canadian and he didn't seem amused.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: GUEST,Claymore
Date: 21 Apr 03 - 09:29 PM

I guess one of us conservative types should inform Strupag that if the ice-berg melted or was bombed into smithereens and then melted, the water level would actually fall. Ice has more volumne than water and if you took a sealed bottle of water and left it in the freezer overnight, it would swell and break. If fact, if the whole North Pole melted, it has be estimated that the sea level would drop about 18 inches. Or take a glass of ice cubes and water and fill it to the very rim of the glass, then come back later... But then again, Bush, unlike most liberals, knew that... and the Aide was a holdover from the former Administration...


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 21 Apr 03 - 10:06 PM

Water is the only substance (at least that I've heard of) that doesn't follow the ordinary rule of expansion with heat and contraction with cold. It contracts with cold down to freezing, and then EXPANDS! So it floats.

And a durn good thing, too! If it were not so, ice in the seas and lakes and ponds would sink, and would progressively build up, not thawing, being added to, until eventually essentially all the free water in the world would be in the form of ice, and life (at least as we think of it) would be impossible anywhere in the world.

Dave Oesterreich


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Forum Lurker
Date: 21 Apr 03 - 10:46 PM

Claymore-If the whole North Pole melted, the rise in global temperatures would cause the South Pole to melt, too. I think that's around 50 meters of rising water levels. I understand that's not your point, but it's not a meaningful statistic.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: GUEST,pdc
Date: 22 Apr 03 - 01:34 AM

Bartlett's attributes this quote: "America is the only nation in history which miraculously has gone directly from barbarism to degeneration without the usual interval of civilization," to Georges Clemenceau.

I haven't the faintest idea who he was - he died in 1929.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 22 Apr 03 - 01:49 PM

President of France in World War I, unless I'm mistaken. Which I well could be.

Dave Oesterreich


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: GUEST,Melani
Date: 22 Apr 03 - 06:47 PM

It has just come to my attention that George W. Bush apparently does not believe in evolution. Why am I not laughing?


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Ebbie
Date: 22 Apr 03 - 09:02 PM

I guess one of us conservative types should inform Strupag that if the ice-berg melted or was bombed into smithereens and then melted, the water level would actually fall. Ice has more volumne than water and if you took a sealed bottle of water and left it in the freezer overnight, it would swell and break. If fact, if the whole North Pole melted, it has be estimated that the sea level would drop about 18 inches. Or take a glass of ice cubes and water and fill it to the very rim of the glass, then come back later... But then again, Bush, unlike most liberals, knew that... and the Aide was a holdover from the former Administration... Claymore

OK, I already know that I'm a literal-minded person but- SURELY you jest, Claymore? Ice sheets and glaciers at the poles are ABOVE the water, and if they were to melt and fall into the ocean, there would be MORE water.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: DonMeixner
Date: 22 Apr 03 - 09:39 PM

Why don't they have daylight savings time in Europe?
Because they don't have DeGaulle to Adenauer.


Two waitresses in Buffalo, NY talking.
"Whats the diference between a Canadian and a canoe?"
"Ah, Canoes tip?"

Don


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Forum Lurker
Date: 22 Apr 03 - 11:03 PM

Ebbie-The North Pole has no land, only ice. The ice displaces enough water so that it is buoyant. I could calculate the exact percentage of ice aboce water to that below, but basically floating ice has little to no effect on the ocean's volume. The Antarctic ice sheets, on the other hand, are on land. If they were to melt. most of that water would enter the oceans, raising sea levels by (I believe) about 50 meters. While hardly the world-sea depicted by Waterworld, that would flood much of Florida and the Netherlands, and cut many coastlines deeply worldwide. It would also lead to increased temperatures around the world (ice reflects a staggering amount of sunlight into space), increasing the fertility of temperate and subarctic highlands throughout the world. While it would be a short-term disaster, the long-term effects are difficult to predict, given their dependence on weather patterns, which are utterly unpredictable.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: GUEST,pdc
Date: 24 Apr 03 - 05:53 PM


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: GUEST,pdc
Date: 24 Apr 03 - 05:55 PM

Here's a truly American joke, especially for those over 50.

An American Joke


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Art Thieme
Date: 25 Apr 03 - 12:08 PM

In Poland they're telling American jokes now to get back at America for all the Plish jokes. Someone will say, "How many Americans does it take to screw in a lightbulb???" Someone will answer, "ONE !!!"----and then they'll all laugh !

Art Thieme


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: TIA
Date: 25 Apr 03 - 12:53 PM

I promise to contribute a joke later, but first, more on the ice melting controversy. FL and Claymore are exactly correct about floating ice -- if it melts, there is no change in sea level. Since it has a specific gravity of 0.9, 90% of a chunk of ice is below water. When the ice melts, it contracts, and the 10% that was above water fills in for loss of volume due to melting. Melting glacial ice (i.e. on land) will cause a sea level rise, but there will be an additional rise due to thermal expansion of the water that is already in the ocean. This is a factor that gets little attention in the global flooding scenarios discussed in popular (i.e. non-earth science) literature.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: GUEST,The O'Meara
Date: 25 Apr 03 - 05:36 PM

I have a friend with a PhD in geology, who is dean of a local college. He has explained to me, on several occasions, 1. Why hot water freezes faster than cold water,and 2. why melting the polar ice would bring on another ice age and 3. why the moon looks huge on the horizon but smaller as it rises. My brain refuses to admit his information. (My brain has also rejected three lobotomies.)

   I went to Ireland a few years ago and rented a car in Dublin. The rental clerk was friendly (just like everybody else in Ireland,)and informed me I had better learn the reverse lane business in about 3 minutes on the streets, or die. I chuckled and said yeah, you guys drive on the wrong side of the road.
    He looked at me for a couple seconds, then said "I'm going to tell you something that will save you a lot of trouble, if you catch onto it. We don't drive on the wrong side, we drive on the other side."

O'Meara


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 25 Apr 03 - 06:27 PM

Ebbie said:

OK, I already know that I'm a literal-minded person but- SURELY you jest, Claymore? Ice sheets and glaciers at the poles are ABOVE the water, and if they were to melt and fall into the ocean, there would be MORE water.

Two things here:

First: As noted by someone above, ice packs in the NORTH polar region are floating, mostly submerged. The reason there is some ice above the water line is because the water tied up in ice underwater is more bulky frozen that that tied-up water would be if it were liquid. The total weight of the north polar ice is equivalent to the weight of the liquid water displaced. If it all melted, both the submerged and above-water-line ice would shrink in volume, and the water released from the melting above-water-line ice makes up for the decrease in volume due to melting of the underwater ice. This is because water, unlike any other common material, does not expand with heat in a straight line; it actually enlarges as it cools below the freezing point. So water, as it cools, shrinks until it freezes; as it goes below the freezing temperature it expands again.

Second: Ice tied up in glaciers on land, as in the southern polar regions, on the other hand, do not affect sea level until the time they drop off into the water, when, of course, they tend to raise the water level by displacement. But once in the water, whether they melt or remain ice is irrelevant, for the reasons discussed in the paragraph above.

Dave Oesterreich


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Schantieman
Date: 26 Apr 03 - 01:42 PM

Water actually has its maximum density at 4 deg.C, not zero. That is, it expands as it cools from 4 to 0. So very cold water (say at 0.1 degC) is least dense, and floats. That's why ice starts to form at the surface (that, and he fact that the water is losing heat to the colder air above). There is a further expansion on freezing as the water molecules adopt their positions in the ice crystal lattice.

Not only is 90% of an iceberg below the surface, it is more extensive as well as deeper. This, of course, is because if it was the other way up it'd fall over!

Not far from the North Pole, the Greenland ice sheet is so thick that if it alone were to melt it would raise mean sea level by 10m.   Or so I was told by a professor of climatology.

Steve.

PS Why don't we do something about stopping it happening?!!


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Forum Lurker
Date: 26 Apr 03 - 02:18 PM

Because it might not be preventable. If it's a consequence of natural fluctuations in solar patterns and CO2 concentrations, then any attempt to change it might be disastrous.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Schantieman
Date: 26 Apr 03 - 02:32 PM

...but perhaps not.

And then, Dubya's refusal to observe the Kyoto agreement might just turn out to be the biggest American joke of all!

Anyone got any jokes ?

S


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: GUEST
Date: 26 Apr 03 - 03:21 PM

FW: Top 8 Morons


Top 8 Morons Of The Year

1.        WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months,
saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received
a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not
Walter who's lacking intelligence.


2.        WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting
to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his
home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers
discovered that the man was standing beside them in the
police line, shouting "Please come out and give yourself up."


3.        WHAT WAS PLAN B???
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a
motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated
teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw
money from his own bank accounts.


4.        THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for
all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was
too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter
himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.


5.        DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who
just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives
asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all
your money or I'll shoot, the man shouted, "That's not what I
said!"


6.        ARE WE COMMUNICATING??
A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant
and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor asked.
"No!", the man shouted, "This is her husband!".


7.        NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!!
In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested
for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon.
King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but
unfortunately,
he failed to keep his hand in his pocket (hellllllooooooo!)

8.        THE GRAND FINALE
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert,
an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to
boating, were having a problem. No matter how they tried, they
couldn't get their brand new 22 ft going. It was very sluggish
in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied.
After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted to a
nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was
wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect
working condition. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up
and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of
the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath, he
came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. NOW REMEMBER
...THIS IS TRUE... Under the boat, still strapped securely in
place, was the trailer.

I am reminded that ignorance can be cured, but stupidity we have to live with.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Gareth
Date: 18 May 03 - 02:17 PM

To revive this thread I came across this one in another forum ( No I won't tell yer which one, some things might be highly embarrasing if revealed on the 'Cat)

Redneck Engineering Exam

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.

2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? a) '66 Ford Fairlane b) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle c) '64 Pontiac GTO

3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product?

4. A pulpwood cutter has chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The lot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweiser Tall-Boys will it take to cut the trees?

5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?

6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1 inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?

7. A man owns a house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man's land?

8. A 2-ton pulpwood truck is overloaded and proceeding down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic loading of secondary roads, how many people will swerve to avoid the truck before it crashes at the bottom of the mountain? For extra credit, how many of the vehicles that swerved will have mufflers and uncracked windshields?

9. A Coal Mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?

10. How many generations will it take before cattle develop two legs shorter than the others because of grazing along a mountainside?

Gareth


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: GUEST,Johnny in OKC
Date: 18 May 03 - 09:14 PM

THE QUEEN'S RIDDLE
George W. Bush went to London to visit Queen Elizabeth.
After the formalities, GWB asked, "Tell me, Your Majesty, what's the secret of good leadership?"
"Mr. President, the secret is simply to surround oneself with wise counsel."
"Whaddaya mean?"
"Allow me to demonstrate," said Elizabeth, picking up the telephone. "Please ask Dr. Williams to join us," she commanded.
In came a most distinguished gentleman.
"Mr. Bush, allow me to present His Grace, the Archbishop of Canterbury," said the Queen.
"Pleased to meetcha," said George.
The Queen continued, "Will Your Grace please answer this riddle? Your mother gives birth to a baby, but you have no brothers or sisters. Who is the baby?"
"Why, Ma'am, tis myself!" replied the Archbishop at once.
"Indeed," said the Queen, "and thank you most kindly."
"Boy howdy!" said George, "That's a good one. I'm gonna try that on the ol'boys back in Washington."
Immediately on his return to the Oval Office, he called in Vice Pres. Dick Cheney.
"Cheney, answer this riddle. Your mamma has a baby, but you have no brothers or sisters. Who is the baby?"
Cheney ponders a while, then, "Mr. President, let me get back to you on that."
Cheney rushes to his VP office and gets on the phone to Don Rumsfeld.
He tells the riddle to Rumsfeld, but Rumsfeld can not come up with an answer.
Next he calls Paul Wolfowitz, Tom Delay, Alan Greenspan, Newt Gingrich, and John Ashcroft. All admittedly bright men, but none of them can think of an answer.
In desperation, Cheney calls Henry the K. Kissinger can't come up with anything either, but he makes a suggestion. "Vell, have you tried Colin Powell?"
"Golly, I forgot about Colin Powell. I'll try him right away."
He has Powell on the line. "Colin, you gotta help me! The President is waiting for an answer on this. Your mother has a baby, but you have no brothers or sisters. Who is the baby?"
"Why, it's me, of course," says Powell.
"Oo-oo-oo! That's it! Thanks, Colin!"
Rushing back to the Oval Office, he bursts in with, "Mr. President! Mr. President! I've got it -- it's Colin Powell!"
...
"Naw, wrong," says Bush, "it's the Archbishop of Canterbury."


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: gnu
Date: 05 Jun 03 - 04:50 AM

This guy is in the car and his wife is driving on the wrong side of the road, and he shouts, "Move over ! You're on the wrong side of the road !" She replies, "You don't have to shout like that, they can't hear you anyway".


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Tam the bam fraeSaltcoatsScotland
Date: 05 Jun 03 - 01:15 PM

Unlike some people I have a sense of Humour, I won't mention any names, because they know who they are.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Tam the bam fraeSaltcoatsScotland
Date: 05 Jun 03 - 01:25 PM

Only kidding, my fault I press the button on the mouse sorry folks


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Tam the bam fraeSaltcoatsScotland
Date: 05 Jun 03 - 01:26 PM

American Joke, George W Bush


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: GUEST,amergin
Date: 05 Jun 03 - 01:54 PM

George Clemenceau-America is the only nation on Earth to have gone from Barbarism to Decadence without an intervening period of civilisation.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: GUEST
Date: 06 Jun 03 - 12:56 AM

Daylia - GREAT link ...loved it because it was just a little to close to truth ...and Bill D ...I know you don't acknowledge GUESTs who refuse to adopt a moniker (like a new species of animal must not exist because scientists haven't figured out a name for it yet) ...but the McDonell Douglas survey was a gem!!!!


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: GUEST,Larry Kaufman
Date: 06 Jun 03 - 08:42 AM

This is a true story I heard told by Tim Russet when he was a guest on the Imus show.   Tim Russert was interviewing Tony Blair on Meet the Press.   During the commercial break, Blair asks if he can get a cup of tea.    An aid brings Blair his tea.   Blair comments that Amercians do so many things so well, but the one thing they cannot do is make a good cup of tea.   Without missing a beat, Russert comments that is because all the good tea is at the bottom of Boston harbor.

Another response I like is from Colon Powell.   We was on a show with the Iraq ambassador (before the war).   The Iraq ambassador asked Powell to respond to a poll that said that 87% of Americans could not find Iraq on a map.   Powell responded that the other 13% were marines and they exactly where Iraq was.

Joke time:   Three jewish woman- Beryl, Cheryl, and Shmeryl decide to move to Texas.   They agree that they must change to American sounding names if they are going to live in Texas.   Beryl says that she will change her name to Buck.   Cheryl says that she will change her name to Chuck.   Shmeryl says she is not moving.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: gnu
Date: 06 Jun 03 - 10:55 AM

I bring you a quote from Gervase's post to the rhubarb thread today... "I wish I could still eat it - but after said grandfather bet me I couldn't eat seven bowls of rhubarb and custard I was sick as a dog, the world dropped out of my bottom and I haven't been able to stomach it since." ... now, that's gooood !


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Art Thieme
Date: 09 Jun 03 - 12:11 AM

refresh


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Mr Red
Date: 09 Jun 03 - 09:37 AM

GUEST,Larry Kaufman

call me thick but is the point of that that Beryl etc joke a reference to there being too many Schmucks in Texas already? Well there's one less right now.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 10 Jun 03 - 02:57 AM

"Fifty bonus points and an internet buck if you know the originator of the following quote:

"The United States - The only nation to have gone from barbarism to decadence without the intervening period of civilization."

Heard it some 45 years ago when at school attributed to G.B.S. Who else could be so witty?

Georges "The Tiger" Clemenceau (1841-1929): French Premier and Secretary of Defense in WWI, responsible for the harsh Treaty of Versailles which finally led to WWII. Short biography in English and for Canadian bilinguals.

Wilfried


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Schantieman
Date: 10 Jun 03 - 08:15 AM

George Clemenceau, je crois.

Steve


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 11 Jun 03 - 01:43 AM

Hi Steve - I think our Western neighbours might know their orthography best. It's no problem of believing, but of looking up (see the links above): Georges it is.

Wilfried


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: gnu
Date: 12 Jun 03 - 06:31 AM

After attending the funeral of a Texas mouse killed by an eighty year old lady with a broom, three mice, one from Minnesota, one from Iowa and one from Wisconsin, are sitting at a bar trying to impress each other with how tough they are.

The Minnesota mouse throws down a shot of bourbon, slams the empty glass onto the bar, turns to the Iowa mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."

The Iowa mouse orders up two shots of tequila, drinks them down one after the other, slams both glasses onto the bar, turns to the Minnesota mouse and replies, "Oh yeah? When I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."

The Minnesota mouse and the Iowa mouse then turn to the Wisconsin mouse.

The Wisconsin mouse finishes the beer he has in front of him, lets out a long sigh and says to the two, "I don't have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and have sex with the cat."


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Bert
Date: 13 Jun 03 - 12:21 AM

We were at a Mudcat gathering in 'Turonna' and Tree was out in the back yard listening to the Canadians there who were pursuing their national pastime - running down Americans.

After a while they realised that Tree was there AND that she was an American. So they politely (of course) asked her 'What did she think of Canadians.

Tree replied "Oh, they're just like Americans"


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: GUEST,Silly SOB Sout of Canada, and North of Mexic
Date: 25 Feb 07 - 05:34 PM

Love the thread, some of the jokes are quite funny.
It is good to see how other people view Americans, and humbling.
It seems to be a pastime in many nations to poke fun at other people.
Americans do deserve the overwhelming amount of grief that places like this thead dish out. I say this due to our overwhelming arrogance.
I dont expect people in foreign land to speak english, I would at least learn enough of theirs to make my way around and get a decent meal.
I dont expect people emigrating to this country to give up their culture but they should learn the language, as we should learn from their culture. I am no historian but I have always been aware that the Canadians burned the Whitehouse, just as I am aware that FRANCE has been our longest standing ally.
As for the jokes my favorite is the American tourists changing the light bulb (deadly accurate) and the 'smartness pills'. Keep them coming.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Peace
Date: 25 Feb 07 - 05:36 PM

You mean to say that there is anything SOUTH of CANADA? I will have to check a map.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Ebbie
Date: 25 Feb 07 - 08:06 PM

Peace, get in your car and head due west. You will find out soon enough. :)

My favorite one was of what Bert's wife said.

As for MY contribution- see how much smarter I am now? NOW I know about ice and water. (Actually, I don't know what I was thinking.)


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate


 


You must be a member to post in non-music threads. Join here.


You must be a member to post in non-music threads. Join here.



Mudcat time: 19 October 10:55 PM EDT

[ Home ]

All original material is copyright © 1998 by the Mudcat Café Music Foundation, Inc. All photos, music, images, etc. are copyright © by their rightful owners. Every effort is taken to attribute appropriate copyright to images, content, music, etc. We are not a copyright resource.