BS: Should I have tossed her overboard?

Subject: RE: BS: Should I have tossed her overboard?
From: GUEST,Cecil
Date: 11 Jul 08 - 11:52 PM

Are you kidding me?? My wife and I read the last one and we were laughing our asses off!

Subject: RE: BS: Should I have tossed her overboard?
From: EBarnacle
Date: 11 Jul 08 - 11:48 PM

That last is a sacriledge of a parody. I still vote for the plank, probably by popular demand.

Subject: RE: BS: Should I have tossed her overboard?
From: GUEST,Guest from Sanity
Date: 11 Jul 08 - 11:07 PM

Here, try this(with no disrespect for our flag or country)

Oh say can you see, To shut up, politely
How so loudly you squawk till the twilight's last gleaming?
Whose broad thighs and bad breath, thro' the perilous fight,
While hands o'er our hearts, while you were officiously screaming?
And cotton rockets' red glare, pms in the air,
Gave proof thro' the night that our nag was still there.
O say, does that star-spangled banner yet wave
O'er the land of the meeps, and no home for the brave?

Subject: RE: BS: Should I have tossed her overboard?
From: Charley Noble
Date: 11 Jul 08 - 07:37 PM

The next to board was a noveau riche jerk,
Who turned around with a smirk,
Who turned around with a smirk
When she joined our jovial crew;
She said "Would you sing "Stormy Weather?
No, 'The Star Spangled Banner' would be better!"
And I was left in one fine fetter --
When Jones Ale was new, me boys,
When Jones Ale was new!

Cheerily,
Charley Noble

Subject: RE: BS: Should I have tossed her overboard?
From: Skivee
Date: 11 Jul 08 - 03:10 PM

Hmmm, it wouldn't be too tough. I mean, lotsa stuff rhymes with "asshole", right?
I thinkin' it could be put to the old English drinking song. Any suggestions?

Subject: RE: BS: Should I have tossed her overboard?
From: GUEST,Guest from Sanity
Date: 11 Jul 08 - 01:50 PM

In a clearly audible voice 'If you don't have any respect for the passengers, can you please have some respect for our national anthem, and shut (the f--k)<(optional)up!!!!!'

Subject: RE: BS: Should I have tossed her overboard?
From: Little Hawk
Date: 11 Jul 08 - 01:36 PM

It should indeed be commemorated in song...and then maybe you could get a chance to sing that song to the same lady on a future trip.

Subject: RE: BS: Should I have tossed her overboard?
From: Skivee
Date: 11 Jul 08 - 01:08 PM

Charley, if I tried to sing the line you imply my tongue would break.

Subject: RE: BS: Should I have tossed her overboard?
From: Charley Noble
Date: 10 Jul 08 - 08:14 AM

Skivee and Nerd-

You realize of course that you are only tempting some of us to compose a ditty to commemorate this incident? Let's see, such graphic detail to work with:

"an inconsiderate noveau riche jerk who thinks that her every utterance is a wonderful gem worthy of Dorothy Parkers Algonquin Round Table."

There once was a seaman able,
Who met with ...

Or maybe not!

Cheerily,
Charley Noble

Subject: RE: BS: Should I have tossed her overboard?
From: Nerd
Date: 10 Jul 08 - 01:13 AM

Yes, SharonA, Skivee CAN be confusing, because he tries to be clever and says stuff like "two pair of us generaly go on each of two sister ships," which is a grammatical error leading to a factual misunderstanding, compounded by a wee orthographic faux pas.   

But one of the charming things about my ol' buddy Skivee is that, if you correct him, or try to help in any way, he accuses you of being jealous. Then he coughs up a lump of phlegm onto your shirt, making you wish you were wearing an amusingly named "Emergency Parka."

So those of us who know and love him usually just let things like that go....

Subject: RE: BS: Should I have tossed her overboard?
From: Skivee
Date: 09 Jul 08 - 11:36 PM

Well, I think that I should throw a few more cards on the table.
In truth, this wasn't the worst thing that has happened to me as a performer.
The venue wasn't a concert hall, where I could demand absolute quiet from the audience
I have said many times that performers can't get snotty and have their feelings hurt because of people predictably acting like people.
Until the "Star Spangled Banner Incident" as it has come to be known in song and story, she was just slightly annoying. I really didn't get the feeling that she was really drunk, causing her to "act out". Rather, I think that she is just an inconsiderate noveau riche jerk who thinks that her every utterance is a wonderful gem worthy of Dorothy Parkers Algonquin Round Table. This brand of self-absorbtion is annoying to those of us whose every utterance is a wonderful gem worthy of Dorothy Parkers Algonquin Round Table. This attitude is not uncommon among yacht-owners. Every bonehead floating in a Zodiac thinks that they invented the nautical trade.
Since this was the last song of the night, there was no real point in making an issue. In fact, I did start taking her to task a bit, then realized that she was never going to see her behaviour as other than patriotic.
The Nerd has tried to make it seem like we needed his assitance because of jealousy...We were on Captain Jenn's boat and he wasn't. Bwahahahahackcoughspit.
In any case, I had some fun writing it up, and I also appreciate everybody's comments. I'll try to incorporate the practical ones in future performances.

Subject: RE: BS: Should I have tossed her overboard?
From: Little Hawk
Date: 09 Jul 08 - 09:15 PM

Sounds like you had the epitome of the stereotypical "ugly American" (an old expression) aboard your boat, Skivee.

Subject: RE: BS: Should I have tossed her overboard?
From: SharonA
Date: 09 Jul 08 - 09:10 PM

Hi, Nerd. I was confused by Skivee's statement in his initial post: "Two pair of us generaly go on each of two sister ships" which would add up to four people (two pair) per ship. Thanks for clearing that up.

Subject: RE: BS: Should I have tossed her overboard?
From: Nerd
Date: 09 Jul 08 - 06:41 PM

Not the Delaware Bay or river. Charley was closer, geographically.

SharonA, There was only one other singer on Skivee's boat. SeaCanary and I were on another boat run by the same company. I suppose we could have boarded them and made her walk the plank--but we had no idea how dire the situation was over there!

Subject: RE: BS: Should I have tossed her overboard?
From: SharonA
Date: 09 Jul 08 - 06:13 PM

Hmmm, what to do in such a situation?? I think I would have stopped singing the Star-Spangled Banner and announced to the company, "Extroverted Woman is quite correct; American citizens should stand for the singing of the national anthem, but since the captain has requested that we all remain seated, I should not have put you all in an awkward and embarrassing position. I apologize to you all, and I hope you will join me in singing the SSB once the captain allows us to stand safely. In the meantime, let's all sing a shanty.... 'O What Shall We Do With the Extroverted Woman?' " Then I would encourage the exasperated crowd to call out their suggestions, and sing them as verses. :^)

But GUEST "hg" is right: the captain and crew should have handled the situation long before it got to that point. Surely they have a policy in place to deal with slightly-drunk, unruly passengers. It was a three-hour tour; at least the bartender should have flagged her and let her sober up, but it sounds as though she was allowed to keep drinking in spite of her intoxicated obnoxiousness!

Since they didn't act, I (and the band) would have suggested to the captain/crew when the weather started getting rough that Extroverted Woman be sent below along with the small children, since a drunken person is more likely to slip on a wet deck and fall. Heck, she could have stage-directed the kids and led them in some songs! ...or the other adults below (supervising the kids) could have dispatched her, with fewer witnesses. Everyone knows how unreliable a small child's court testimony is! Heh heh heh...

Anyway, I don't think that I would have been as willing to capitulate to Extroverted Woman's song "requests" (demands). I would have stuck to my guns and repeated that the band had been hired to sing sea chanties and that if she knew any chanties to request, we'd be happy to sing them. (Giving in to her non-chanty demand only gave her more of a feeling of power and encouraged her to push her weight around more.) Failing all else, I would have banded together with the other three singers (strength in numbers) to collectively ask her as politely as possible to be quiet so that we could do our job and so that the other passengers could enjoy the music. If she'd refused, I/we would have appealed to the captain to have one of her crew handle the situation... while the weather was still nice!

So, Skivee, what of the other three singers who were on the ship? Did they do nothing, just as the captain did nothing, about the Extroverted Woman?

Subject: RE: BS: Should I have tossed her overboard?
From: Desert Dancer
Date: 09 Jul 08 - 03:33 PM

My vote is for Delaware Bay (and River). FWIW.

~ Becky in Tucson
(formerly of the Garden State)

Subject: RE: BS: Should I have tossed her overboard?
From: Nerd
Date: 08 Jul 08 - 05:40 PM

Or an osprey, of which there seemed to be a great profusion.

Nothing very salty happened on our three hour cruise, I'm afraid. Our captain was a bloke, but we did have the lovely Katie on the crew, who is (as they say) "easy on the eyes." Among the passengers, we did have one guy who was a bit eager to make conversation specifically with me, which made it hard for me to sing at the appropriate times and still remain polite. The captain took care of that when he saw what was going on, by simply calling on me to sing.

SeaCanary and I each led a couple of songs as we sailed out from the river into the bay (no, not the Chesapeake!) Then we were becalmed, and the cap'n was obliged to start the engine. At first ol' Canary was reluctant to sing while the engine was engaged, which was understandable. But when the rain started lashing down, I reasoned that a good song that some passengers couldn't hear was preferable to no song at all, so I got the ball rolling with "Roll the Old Chariot Along."

I must have been quite a sight, as it was hard to breathe for all the rainwater that was running into my mouth. After that, a friendly passenger lent me a comically small pink umbrella, which I held over my head more for the amusing look of it (I am a big, hairy, fellow who looks a bit like Hagrid) than for any protection. I must have looked like a bear in a bowler hat!

One of the crew requested Stan Rogers's "Barrett's Privateers," which we usually don't sing (we've just heard it too many times). But, since it is after all set in the Revolutionary War, and it WAS independence Day, and it WAS a request, and I DO know it, I obliged. That went well, but I did notice a couple of religious-looking ladies who began to fidget when it became clear that I was going to sing "God damn" over and over again. (This is one of the things you need to be careful of with that piece. I always just assume that when the church ladies hear the end, and find out the guy's lost his legs, they'll understand his anger!) Anyway, you can't please everyone, and Sea Chanteys aren't the best choice for folks who take offense easily!

SeaCanary sang a number of unusual funny songs, which I wish to learn off him someday. He then gave one of his little oratories about the Star-Spangled Banner (he knows too much about that song), and sang it, in a key that I would not have chosen myself. I did manage to sing along without doing myself too bad an injury, though.

I was told more than once that I kept people's spirits up during the storm, and even by one person that she wouldn't have made it through the soggy ride without the singing...which is always nice to hear.

Miraculously, the weather cleared up in time for the fireworks display!

So I guess Ol' SeaCanary and I did our jobs, and in return we got a cruise (albeit a wet one), some cookies, a small fee, and the best seat in the house for some good pyrotechnics. I can't complain too much...unlike that whinger Skivee!

Subject: RE: BS: Should I have tossed her overboard?
From: Megan L
Date: 08 Jul 08 - 05:19 PM

You could of course have stopped and said "Madam If you continue to show such disrespect you can get out here and walk back"

Subject: RE: BS: Should I have tossed her overboard?
From: Skivee
Date: 08 Jul 08 - 05:17 PM

RE: Gulls
I don't think that I would be able to accept the likely degree of colateral damage in good conscience.

Subject: RE: BS: Should I have tossed her overboard?
From: Charley Noble
Date: 08 Jul 08 - 05:04 PM

Jack-

Unfortunately the gulls I've encountered are not very trainable when it comes to targeting on cue. Maybe we need to breed a more gullible gull!

Cheerily,
Charley Noble

Subject: RE: BS: Should I have tossed her overboard?
From: GUEST,Jack the Sailor
Date: 08 Jul 08 - 02:42 PM

What would it take to train a gull to poop on cue?

Subject: RE: BS: Should I have tossed her overboard?
From: Jack Campin
Date: 08 Jul 08 - 02:33 PM

I was once on an excursion down the Clyde on the restored paddle steamer "Waverley" with a whole family of people like Extrovert Woman. It turned out they were an American officer from the nuclear megadeath base at Holy Loch and his family. After about three hours of loudmouthed inane commentary and Reaganite whining from Lootnant Megadeath, Mrs Megadeath and the three little Megadeaths, the thought that the whole firth was multi-targeted by Soviet ICBMs was kinda comforting. As it happened the Lootnant got a different kind of pre-emptive strike, from a very large seagull that must have been constipated for a month before letting go directly over his head.

Subject: RE: BS: Should I have tossed her overboard?
From: Skivee
Date: 08 Jul 08 - 01:14 PM

Perhaps my best course would have been to make sure that a chum-grinder was installed before the cruise, then accidentally smacked her into it with the guitar neck "by accident". That's a degree of pre-planning that I'm not generally capable of; but if I'd known what a PITA she was going to be, I would have paid for the chum grinder out of my own pocket and brought a heavier guitar.

What was that terrible western film where the hero had a banjo with a hidden shotgun or such in the neck? There was also some bad chili-eating.

I happen to know that there was a nice family who could not get on our boat because it was sold out. I think these poor unfortunate souls ended up going on SeaCanary and Nerd's boat...oh, cruel fate. Maybe in future, the passengers could be asked to board in order of niceness. The last 4 or so folks could be told,"Oops, sorry...no more room."

Subject: RE: BS: Should I have tossed her overboard?
From: Bobert
Date: 08 Jul 08 - 12:27 PM

Thanks, nerd... Actually me and Al Gore invented spellin'... So there!!!

But nevermind that...

The Capt'n had her hands full with the storms... Storms and sail boats ain't a nice mix and when you have folks tryin' to stand up on a sail boat in a storm you have a problem...

Now I don't carry no heat when I perform, Skivz, but seein' as this could happen again I'd consider it... Especially seein' as there ain't do handy chum grinder close by... I'd bet that someone could rig up a 22 barrel in the neck of a guitar fir such occasions, I donno???

B;~)

Subject: RE: BS: Should I have tossed her overboard?
From: Bert
Date: 08 Jul 08 - 12:06 PM

You could have told her "Sit down and be quiet!!!"

Subject: RE: BS: Should I have tossed her overboard?
From: GUEST,hg
Date: 08 Jul 08 - 09:41 AM

Your Captain was a weinie. She should have stifled the lady. hg

Subject: RE: BS: Should I have tossed her overboard?
From: Charley Noble
Date: 08 Jul 08 - 09:18 AM

"Actually, we were sailing in ballad-land, and were able to see both Sherwood Forest and the Isle of St. Helena."

That narrows things down to the Seas of Intrepitude, assuming you survived your passage through the Dire Straits.

If only Admiral Nelson had been close by!

Cheerily,
Charley Noble

Subject: RE: BS: Should I have tossed her overboard?
From: jacqui.c
Date: 08 Jul 08 - 08:36 AM

It's a shame that none of the other passengers told her her fortune - I really hate when one idiot makes anything I paid to go on less than totally enjoyable and have been known, once or twice, to tell them so.

Subject: RE: BS: Should I have tossed her overboard?
From: Skivee
Date: 08 Jul 08 - 12:37 AM

SRS, old pal, I did indeed appreciate your thoughts.
Nerd, on the other hand, I mock mercilessly. Bwahahahahahahahahackcoughspit.
We never actually heard any salty tales from your boat...care to share?

Subject: RE: BS: Should I have tossed her overboard?
From: Nerd
Date: 08 Jul 08 - 12:17 AM

SeaCanary and I were the duo on the other boat. Sometimes when we got close enough we could hear Skivee leading his passengers in song...but we were never close enough to hear the words.

So, skiv...y'all's boat didn't have a fragrant chum-grinder? AND your captain was the lovely Jennifer? Shit, I just KNEW you were getting the better berth! On the other hand, you got the difficult passenger, so let's say we're even.

Anyway, that rain fell on us all equally, eh?

Charley...not the Chesapeake Bay, sorry. Actually, we were sailing in ballad-land, and were able to see both Sherwood Forest and the Isle of St. Helena.

GUEST from sanity, lighten up. Bobert was spelling it right. B-U-T-T spells butt.

Subject: RE: BS: Should I have tossed her overboard?
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 07 Jul 08 - 11:54 PM

Go back up to the top for an answer from someone who has been in a somewhat similar situation.

SRS

Subject: RE: BS: Should I have tossed her overboard?
From: CarolC
Date: 07 Jul 08 - 11:28 PM

Giving her the evil eye might work.

Subject: RE: BS: Should I have tossed her overboard?
From: Skivee
Date: 07 Jul 08 - 11:08 PM

So, I guess my basic question is "was there an actual way I could have broken through her "Sphere of Stupidity"(tm) without:
1)Stopping the song
2)Making her the star of her happy melodrama
3)Making the other passengers even more uncomfortable by making them having to spend several days testifying against me at my trial."
As tempting as #3 was, I don't think that "gross violation of artistic integrety" is a viable defense against murder charges.

Subject: RE: BS: Should I have tossed her overboard?
From: Charley Noble
Date: 07 Jul 08 - 09:47 PM

A story very well told and I suspect Chesapeake Bay just because that's where the Pirates Royale hang out.

Tanqueray martini-o!

Cheerily,
Charley Noble

Subject: RE: BS: Should I have tossed her overboard?
From: GUEST,Guest from Sanity
Date: 07 Jul 08 - 09:11 PM

Its boat..b..o..a..t

Subject: RE: BS: Should I have tossed her overboard?
From: EBarnacle
Date: 07 Jul 08 - 07:57 PM

Be thankful you did not dump her butt into the harbor.. Uncle Sam's Confused Group would have been all over you for polluting navigable waters. On the other hand, had you set her to a mushroom, you could have hauled 'er up at your convenience and harvested the crabs.`

Subject: RE: BS: Should I have tossed her overboard?
From: Bobert
Date: 07 Jul 08 - 07:54 PM

Nice boat, either way...

I like sail boats and uses to crew on a race baot now and then in the Chesepeake Bay... Fun when it was fun... Pain in the butt when it was a pain in the butt... But the baot I crewed on didn't have no fax for a capt'n... He was a hard ass and was so ugly that he once made a frieght train jump tracks and take a dirt road... Now that is ugleeeeeeee.............

B~

Subject: RE: BS: Should I have tossed her overboard?
From: Skivee
Date: 07 Jul 08 - 07:06 PM

It might be, but as I hinted earlier, I'm keeping details vague so that nobody gets splattered...especially the boat and crew.

Subject: RE: BS: Should I have tossed her overboard?
From: GUEST,Jack the Sailor
Date: 07 Jul 08 - 06:48 PM

Is this the vessel in question?

Subject: RE: BS: Should I have tossed her overboard?
From: GUEST,Guest from Sanity
Date: 07 Jul 08 - 06:08 PM

Aww..just hit on the captain..she'll take care of it.....

Subject: RE: BS: Should I have tossed her overboard?
From: Bobert
Date: 07 Jul 08 - 06:08 PM

Oh, one of *those boats, eh???

I woulda done what JtS said... Tell the folks that the Capt'n needed 'um to be remain seated...

Then once back at the marina I'd bump her into the chum grinder...

Life doesn't have to be complicated, Skivz...

Subject: RE: BS: Should I have tossed her overboard?
From: Skivee
Date: 07 Jul 08 - 05:59 PM

"I'd just pretend that I kinda lost my balance and fall into her knockin' her into the chum grinder"
Well, Bobert ol' ex-preseedential-candidate, ol' pal, I'm sorry if you got the impresshun that this were a fishing scow we were on. They plumb forgot to put a chum-grinder on it. It is a very pretty boat that holds about 40 passengers on the cruises.
There is where the problem was. I didn't want one person to be dictating what we sang to the other 40-ish, when we had been hired to do a different kind of music for the trip.
Actually, it's just possible that you may have seen the boat in question in that Weddin' Crasher movie. It was the boat that Christopher Walken was steering in the nautical bits where they was going fer a weekend at the family home.

Subject: RE: BS: Should I have tossed her overboard?
From: GUEST,Jack the Sailor
Date: 07 Jul 08 - 05:56 PM

Skivie,

In serious response to your question, I'll wager that the next time you will talk to the Captain much earlier the next time such circumstance arise. Perhaps a plank walking can be arranged. On a serious note.

I am not a professional entertainer, nor am I yet a citizen of the USA, but I might have stopped singing, explained the circumstances, and possibly and perhaps even told her to sit down and shut up during the Anthem.

Subject: RE: BS: Should I have tossed her overboard?
From: Bobert
Date: 07 Jul 08 - 05:42 PM

YO, Skivz... That woman could prolly swim to safety so if I wefre you and there was a chum grinder 'round I'd throw her in it and let her become crab food... Awwwww, I'm jus' funnin'... I wouldn't throw her... I'd just pretend that I kinda lost my balance and fall into her knockin' her into the chum grinder... Yeah, I mean it would look like an accident... Right???

B;~)

Subject: RE: BS: Should I have tossed her overboard?
From: GUEST,Jack the Sailor
Date: 07 Jul 08 - 05:41 PM

>>Jack, that would be the upper middle indented lower West non-Carribean side of the North Atlantic.

LOL!!

Subject: RE: BS: Should I have tossed her overboard?
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 07 Jul 08 - 05:40 PM

Chesapeake?

Subject: RE: BS: Should I have tossed her overboard?
From: GUEST,jack the Sailor
Date: 07 Jul 08 - 05:39 PM

LOL!!

Subject: RE: BS: Should I have tossed her overboard?
From: CarolC
Date: 07 Jul 08 - 05:38 PM

Whatever is done to the next one, I hope pictures are taken and posted here.

Subject: RE: BS: Should I have tossed her overboard?
From: Skivee
Date: 07 Jul 08 - 05:18 PM

Jack, that would be the upper middle indented lower West non-Carribean side of the North Atlantic.

Subject: RE: BS: Should I have tossed her overboard?
From: Megan L
Date: 07 Jul 08 - 04:58 PM

Nah nah nah fows it amazin whit kin be achieved(accidentially of course) by an auld wifie wie a walkin stick and as long as ye look suitably flustered and appologetic afterwards ye kin get awa wie maist things. Not that this auld wifie wid ever dae sic a thin ye ken.