BS: Jokes about Religion Banned.

Subject: BS: Jokes about Religon Banned.
From: Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull
Date: 12 Dec 04 - 03:23 AM

Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'

---

UK goverment are going to ban jokes waht mention religon, anyone telling religous jokes could be arrested for incitement to racial hatred.
Mr Bean is protesting about this, as he likes making religous jokes.

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about Religon Banned.
From: Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull
Date: 12 Dec 04 - 03:30 AM

Looks like Shazia Mirza could soon be out of a job!

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about Religon Banned.
From: Jeanie
Date: 12 Dec 04 - 04:14 AM

Read all about it ! Read the future news headlines here !

"Shylock Shock - Recently reinstated Lord Chamberlain's censors in on-stage Royal Shakespeare raid."

"Chaucer Cull - Heavy fines for libraries and private owners who fail to comply with 'Canterbury Tales' book-burning."

"Vatican Rag Veto - Tom Lehrer fan from Basildon now safely behind bars. Essex residents sleep safely once more."


Where will it end ? Who is going to decide where the line is drawn ?

- jeanie

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about Religon Banned.
From: burntstump
Date: 12 Dec 04 - 04:42 AM

It will end when some politian has the balls to stand up and say enoughs enough.What happened to freedom of speech? or will that only apply to those with a hook on his arm.

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about Religon Banned.
From: Bernard
Date: 12 Dec 04 - 04:56 AM

Religion itself is a joke, so they'll have to ban that, too!!

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about Religon Banned.
From: MudGuard
Date: 12 Dec 04 - 08:45 AM

Where does a religious joke start?

Is a joke starting with "A man and his wife" anti-islamic, because the "his wife" implies that there is only one wife?

Or "On his free Sunday ..." anti-jewish, as for Jews, the Sabbath (spelling?) is the usual free day.

A joke mentioning killing a cow then is anti-hinduistic and so on.

If you think about it, you might find there are no jokes left which you can legally tell ...

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about Religon Banned.
From: Peace
Date: 12 Dec 04 - 08:57 AM

So, anyway, this Rabbi, Priest and Minister walk into . . . .

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about Religon Banned.
From: Sttaw Legend
Date: 12 Dec 04 - 08:57 AM

TWO priests go to Ibiza and decide to wear nothing which will identify them as clergy. So they buy Hawaiian shirts, shorts and shades.

They are sitting in the sun when a gorgeous blonde in a bikini goes by and says: "Good morning, Fathers."

Stunned, one asks: "How in the world did you know we were men of the cloth?"

She replies: "Father, it's me, Sister Helen."

---

A US fighter pilot flying over Afghanistan sees a flying carpet with a Muslim holding a machine gun to his left. He looks to his right and sees another.

Putting his jet into a loop he zooms up behind the carpets and shoots both down.

Landing back on his carrier he is ordered to report to the captain, who yells: "You idiot! Those were Allied Carpets."

---

WHAT did the waiter ask the group of dining Jewish mothers?

"Is anything all right?"

---

WHAT do you call a sikh in a nightclub? Dan Singh.

---

What do you get if you cross a Jehovah's Witness with a Hell's Angel?

Someone who knocks on your door on a Sunday morning and tells you to f*** off.

---

A JEWISH woman is sitting at a bar when a man comes up and says: "Hi honey, want a little company?"

"Why?" asks the woman. "Do you have one to sell?"

---

A MAN dies and at the Pearly Gates he tells Peter his wish is to ask the Virgin Mary one question.

Peter agrees and the man says: "Blessed Mary, why in all the paintings, sculptures, frescoes and carvings do you always look so sad?"

Mary looks around to see if anyone else is listening and says: "To tell you the truth I wanted a girl."

---

JESUS is preaching to a mob about to stone a whore, saying: "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."

An old woman hobbles up, picks up a rock and bashes the whore on the head.

Jesus turns to her and says: "Sometimes you really p*** me off, Mum."

---

A PRIEST, an imam and a rabbi are having dinner when an angel appears, saying: "I will grant each of you one wish."

The rabbi says: "I wish for the destruction of all Muslims!" Then the imam says: "I wish for the destruction of all Jews!"

The priest says: "Well, if you're going to grant their wishes I'll settle for another coffee."

---

TWO Muslim sisters arrive in America and spot a hot dog vendor.

One says: "Look, people in this country eat dogs. We should do as they do."

The sisters buy two and hurry to a bench to unwrap them. One stares at hers, turns red and says: "What part did you get?"

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about Religon Banned.
From: Little Hawk
Date: 12 Dec 04 - 11:59 AM

Ha! Ha! Ha!

More! More!

To hell with the UK government. They are a bunch of fascists, just like the Bush administration.

But, Mudguard...I have never yet met a Muslim who had more than one wife! (yes, I know that certain sheiks and Muslim royals have had multiple wives/concubines/etc...but it's hardly a common feature of the ordinary Muslim lifestyle)

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about Religon Banned.
From: Sttaw Legend
Date: 12 Dec 04 - 12:15 PM

THEOLOGICAL DEBATE

Scholars have long debated the exact ethnicity and nationality of Jesus. Recently, at a theological meeting in Rome, scholars had a heated debate on this subject. One by one, they offered their evidence.............

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS MEXICAN:

1.   His first name was Jesus

2.   He was bilingual

3.   He was always being harassed by the authorities

But then there were equally good arguments that.....

    JESUS WAS BLACK

1.   He called everybody "brother"

2.   He liked Gospel

3.   He couldn't get a fair trial

But then there were equally good arguments that.......

    JESUS WAS JEWISH

1.   He went into His Father's business

2.   He lived at home until he was 33

3.   He was sure his Mother was a virgin, and his Mother
    was sure he was God

But then there were equally good arguments that.......

    JESUS WAS ITALIAN

1.   He talked with his hands

2.   He had wine with every meal

3.   He used olive oil

But then there were equally good arguments that.......

    JESUS WAS A CALIFORNIAN

1.   He never cut his hair

2.   He walked around barefoot

3.   He started a new religion

But then there were equally good arguments that.......

    JESUS WAS IRISH

1.   He never got married

2.   He was always telling stories

3.   He loved green pastures

But perhaps the most compelling evidence .........

    THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A WOMAN .....

1.   He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when
    there was no food

2.   He kept trying to get the message across to a bunch
    of men who JUST DIDN'T GET IT

3.   Even when He was dead, He had to get up because
    there was more work for him to do.

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about Religon Banned.
From: Mr Red
Date: 12 Dec 04 - 12:15 PM

There are far too many jokes about us atheists

and we are not pleased!

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about Religon Banned.
From: Sttaw Legend
Date: 12 Dec 04 - 12:30 PM

A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago." "Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked. "Because he also told me he is an "atheist". Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell." Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about Religon Banned.
From: dunkel_esel
Date: 12 Dec 04 - 01:10 PM

Does this law not sound a bit reminiscent of the law where u couldnt call yorkshire puddings yorkshire puddings incase they werent from yorkshire? And who says Politicians have too much time on their hands?!

mjxx

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about Religon Banned.
From: Thompson
Date: 12 Dec 04 - 02:07 PM

Wonderful jokes. More! More! I haven't laughed so much in ages.

(But why Allied Carpets, by the way? Is there a pun in there?)

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about Religon Banned.
From: Sttaw Legend
Date: 12 Dec 04 - 02:11 PM

Sorry its a UK'ism - http://www.alliedcarpets.co.uk/

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about Religon Banned.
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 12 Dec 04 - 02:11 PM

Thompson:

Allied carpets is a British carpet & bedding company

Nigel

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about Religon Banned.
From: Thompson
Date: 12 Dec 04 - 02:41 PM

Yes, yes, but why would two Arabs in jets ... oh, wait, they were on flying carpets, sorry. Sorry. Got it. A-heh.

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about Religon Banned.
From: Bill D
Date: 12 Dec 04 - 03:49 PM

Little Howard, the Jewish shopkeeper's son, lived in a small Midwestern city where there was no Jewish school. His parents decided Catholic school was the next best thing.
One day, Sister Catherine held up a shiny new silver dollar and said she would give it to the first person who could tell her who was the greatest man who ever walked the earth. Several answers rang out but none were correct. Little Howie looked around the room, stood up and said, "Sister, Jesus Christ was the greatest man who ever walked the earth!" Sister responded, "Quite right!" and handed Howie the dollar.

After school, Sister walked up to Howie and asked, "Knowing your background, how did you come up with that answer today?" Howie replied, Sister, you and I both know Moses was the greatest man who ever walked the earth...but business is business!"

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about Religon Banned.
From: Bill D
Date: 12 Dec 04 - 03:55 PM

A farmer was plowing in the field. Across the plowed ground came his young son. "Father" he said, "there is a preacher up at the house, and Momma says you should come up."
"I got to finish the row first", says the farmer."What kind of preacher is he?" asked the farmer.
"I don't know" said the young son.
" Well, here's what you do, son," said the farmer. "You go back and ask what kind of preacher he is, and if he is a Catholic, you take my jug of corn squeezin's and hide it up under my bed, and if he is a Baptist, you take the sugar bowl where your Momma keeps the egg money and put IT up under the bed. And if he is a Methodist, you get in your mothers lap and stay there till I get there.

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about Religon Banned.
From: Rapparee
Date: 12 Dec 04 - 04:01 PM

A priest has been going to a psychiatrist, who finally is able to diagnose that his problem comes from stress.

"Take a week or two off, Father," the doc advises. "Go someplace like Vegas, see the shows, drink, play with the women...you know, sin a little."

So the good Father takes off for Vegas, where he wears tourist clothes and acts like every other male tourist. Finally, he ambles into a topless bar, where a drop-dead redhead wearing very little brings him a drink and says, "And how are you, Father O'Brien?"

"How...how did you know?" he asks.

As she drops into his lap she said, "I'm Sister Mary Dolores, and we go to the same psychiatrist."

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about Religon Banned.
From: michaelr
Date: 12 Dec 04 - 05:58 PM

Garden of Eden: Adam and Eve first meet, discover their differences, and fumblingly learn how to put them to use. Afterwards, Adam is leaning back, smoking a cigarette, when God comes by and says:

"So whow do you like the companion I gave you?"

Adam gushes, "Oh God... she's great! And that thing we did...wow! Thank you, God!"

God asks, "So where is she now?"

"Down in the river, washing."

God says, "Damn it! I'll never get the smell off those fish!"


Cheers,
Michael

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about Religon Banned.
From: Rapparee
Date: 12 Dec 04 - 06:08 PM

Bethlehem. THE stable. A convoy of camels halts, and three Wise Men From The East enter the humble abode, which is aglow with light from a manger.

The first one enters, kneels, and offers gold. The second enters, kneels, and offers frankincense. The third...

...whacks his head against the top of the door frame, which drops him to his knees in pain.

"JESUS CHRIST!!" he yells.

"Quick!" says Mary to Joseph. "Write that down! It's a better name than Irving!"

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about Religon Banned.
From: Cruiser
Date: 12 Dec 04 - 07:18 PM

Good one Bernard...I agree.

This is a hilarious thread. As others said, keep them flowing.

I have never heard any of these...

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about Religon Banned.
From: HuwG
Date: 12 Dec 04 - 11:31 PM

"I've got good news and bad news for you, guys. The good news is, I've argued it down to just ten commandments. The bad news is, adultery stays in."


Here's a couple I prepared earlier

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about Religon Banned.
From: mooman
Date: 13 Dec 04 - 05:20 AM

Why should us Buddhists be left out...?

A Buddhist goes up to a burger stall and says to the vendor "Make me one with everything!"

He then lurks round waiting expectantly and then says to the vendor "I'm waiting for my change". The vendor quickly replies "I thought with you guys the change comes from within.."
__________________

Q: How many Zen Buddhists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Tree falling in the forest.
__________________

Q: How many wives does Buddhism allow?

A: You may have as many as your tolerance for misery can bear.
__________________

Q: How do I become a Lama?

A: Go to a monastic university and study for twenty-five years. Begin by memorizing Vasubandhu's Abhidharmakosha with its commentary (500 pages or so). Then study what you have memorised by hearing lectures on it and debating the contents with other candidates until you can argue every side of every controversy equally well. Then memorise several works of Nagarjuna, along with their commentaries. Then memorise the seven treatises of Dharmakirti. In additional to that study, you must master several forms of meditation and study tantric rituals for about two or three years.

Alternatively, you can come to America and just call yourself a Lama. Millions of nubile virgins will follow you everywhere and give you loads of money.
______________

Q: Why did the Buddhist refuse his dentist's Novocain during root canal work?

A: He wanted to transcend dental medication.
______________

Peace,

moo

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about Religon Banned.
From: Rapparee
Date: 13 Dec 04 - 08:59 AM

Jesus came back -- not the Second Coming, but just to see how things were going. As he walked along, he met a blind man. Jesus asked, "How are you my son?" and the man responded, "I'm blind. I used to assemble computers, but I've lost my sight and my family is now poor and very hungry." And Jesus said, "Be healed! See again!" and the man was healed, and the man thanked Jesus and went off to return to his old job.

Farther on, Jesus met a woman on crutches. She told him that she used to be a dancer, but had to have an operation and now could no longer dance. Jesus said, "Be healed! And dance again and give people joy!" And she was, and she went off dancing down the street.

Finally, Jesus met a man who was sitting on a doorstep weeping. Jesus sat next to the man, put his arm around him, and gently asked, "My son, why do you weep? Have you lost a loved one?"

And the man recognized Jesus right off (the halo and all), and replied, "Lord, I'm a banjo player and...."

And hearing that, Jesus wept with him.

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about Religon Banned.
From: Paco Rabanne
Date: 13 Dec 04 - 09:22 AM

Question: what sways from left to right and back again, over and over?












































Answer: Jesus on a rubber cross.

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about Religon Banned.
From: MaineDog
Date: 13 Dec 04 - 09:57 AM

Only jokes?
What about serious attacks?
What about theological arguments?
What about evangelistic messages?
What about miracle reports?
MD

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about Religon Banned.
From: Little Hawk
Date: 13 Dec 04 - 10:12 AM

They believe in starting with the thin edge of the wedge, MaineDog. :-) That's why.

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about Religon Banned.
From: Bill D
Date: 13 Dec 04 - 11:40 AM

A Jesuit and a Benedictine were eating lunch together. After lunch, they found out that there was only a single piece of chocolate cake for dessert. Feeling charitable, they each decide to share it. The Jesuit splits the cake and takes the larger piece for himself.
The Benedictine, watching him, says, "If I were you, I would have taken the smaller piece."
Replies the Jesuit, "What are you complaining about, then?"

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about Religon Banned.
From: Ebbie
Date: 13 Dec 04 - 11:56 AM

This has got to be a joke. Right, jOhn? There is no way anyone could, even if they wanted to, monitor a ban against religious jokes. And as they say, an unenforceable law is a bad law. (Even in Hull. *G*)

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about Religon Banned.
From: Sttaw Legend
Date: 13 Dec 04 - 12:01 PM

See story here Ebbie http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/politics/4075831.stm you wont catch me telling religious jokes.

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about Religon Banned.
From: DMcG
Date: 13 Dec 04 - 12:03 PM

Not entirely a joke, Ebbie. The intention is to introduce a law banning incitement to racial hatred and Rowan Atkinson (Blackadder/Mr Bean) has claimed it will affect mentioning religion in jokes.

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about Religon Banned.
From: Rapparee
Date: 13 Dec 04 - 12:39 PM

Racial hatred, huh? Didja hear about the irishman, the black guy, and the chinaman who walked into a bar where a priest, a rabbi, and an atheist were sitting discussing Islam with a Buddhist monk?

Welcome to political correctness gone berserk. Welcome to the Blasphemy Act, v.2.0.

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about Religon Banned.
From: MudGuard
Date: 13 Dec 04 - 01:57 PM

Rapaire, how can you dare to be such discriminating?

I suggest at least 10 years in Dartmoore Prison ...




Not a single woman in your question ...

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about Religon Banned.
From: belter
Date: 13 Dec 04 - 02:46 PM

Three men walk in to a bar. A priest, a homosexual, and a child molester, and 2 other guys.

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about Religon Banned.
From: Cluin
Date: 13 Dec 04 - 02:56 PM

You can't legislate tolerance.

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about Religon Banned.
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 13 Dec 04 - 06:21 PM

... but you can tolerate most legislation... unless you are American and are talking about that goddam oppressive British legislation!

Tea anyone?

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about Religon Banned.
From: Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull
Date: 13 Dec 04 - 08:44 PM

Wasn't it Rowan Atkinson that called Marcel Dessio a "Fucking Lazy Nigger"?

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about Religon Banned.
From: Cluin
Date: 13 Dec 04 - 11:47 PM

That was Ron Atkinson, jOhn.

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about Religon Banned.
From: Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull
Date: 14 Dec 04 - 03:47 AM

oh.

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about Religion Banned.
From: Bill D
Date: 14 Dec 04 - 05:20 PM

The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the reception
committee, and after a whirlwind tour is told that he can enjoy any of
the myriad recreations available. He decides that he wants to read all
of the ancient original text of the Holy scriptures, and
spends the next eon or so learning the languages.

After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and
begins to pour over every version of the Bible, working back from the
most recent "Easy reading" to the original script. All of a sudden,
there is a scream in the library. The angels come running to him, only
to find the Pope huddled in a chair, crying to himself, and muttering,
"An 'R'! They left out the 'R'."

God takes him aside, offering comfort and asks him what the problem is.

After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "It's the letter 'R'...
the word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!"

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about Religion Banned.
From: Ooh-Aah2
Date: 15 Dec 04 - 02:45 PM

Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?

A: Dress her up as an altar boy.

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about Religion Banned.
From: HuwG
Date: 15 Dec 04 - 05:32 PM

A man is in a doctor's waiting room. He sees a nun totter out of the consulting room, in tears. The doctor appears and says, "Next, please !"

The man goes into the consulting room and asks the doctor, "What was wrong with the nun I saw come out of here, crying ?"

The doc says, "I told her she was pregnant."

"Good Lord ! Is she ?"

"I've no idea. But it stopped her hiccups."

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about Religion Banned.
From: Joe Offer
Date: 15 Dec 04 - 07:11 PM

I think self-deprecating humor is the best remedy for a lot of what ails the world. At the very least, it's a good way to check to see if we're healthy or not. If we can laugh at ourselves, there's a good chance we're healthy.

The trouble with religious humor is that most current religious jokes seem to assume that religious people are fundamentalists. If you define me as something I'm not, and then laugh at me for being that definition, that's prejudice. And that's offensive.

-Joe Offer-

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about Religion Banned.
From: robomatic
Date: 15 Dec 04 - 08:48 PM

Joe: Didja hear the one about the muleskinners, Y'see.....
Ben: Wait a minute, I'M a muleskinner. Why don't you make it a joke about carpetbaggers?
Joe: Anything for you, Ben. Well, these two carpetbaggers are skinnin' this mule, y'see.........

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about Religion Banned.
From: LadyJean
Date: 15 Dec 04 - 11:22 PM

A man went into a store to buy a bra for his wife.
The clerk asked, "What kind of a bra does she wear?"
The man said, "Well, the Roman Catholic bra upholds the masses, the Salvation Army bra uplifts the fallen, and the Southern Baptist bra makes mountains out of molehills."
I heard that one from a Southern Baptist.

A nun was walking through the convent. Everyone greeted her with, "Good Morning sister! You must have had a wonderful night. Finally she asked the mother superior why everyone was saying that.
"Because you're wearing the archbishop's shoes," she said.

I know a joke about Jews that I won't post here, because the punchline is "Never trust a Jew." Not funny, just objectionable. If someone decides to be "cutting edge" and tell a joke like that, I can understand why people might want to take action.

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about Religion Banned.
From: Cluin
Date: 15 Dec 04 - 11:44 PM

A priest and a rabbi were sharing a compartment on a train. The priest started a conversation by asking "I know that in your religion you're not supposed to eat pork... But have you really never tried it?"
   "I will tell you truthfully," the rabbi nodded. "Yes I did try pork once. Now you tell me... I know that celibacy is a requirement of your religion, but..."
   The priest interrupted, "Yes, Yes, I know exactly where you are going here and, yes, like you I surrendered to temptation once."
   The rabbi nodded and there was silence for a while.
   Then the rabbi broke the silence. "It was better than pork, wasn't it?"

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about Religion Banned.
From: Bunnahabhain
Date: 16 Dec 04 - 03:10 AM

If celibicy is a joke, then someone forgot the punchline....

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about Religion Banned.
From: Gervase
Date: 16 Dec 04 - 08:20 AM

A priest and a rabbi went skinny dipping in the river one sunny day when a woman walks along the bank towards them.
The priest grabs his giblets; the rabbi puts his hand over his face.
The priest, puzzled, asks: "Why did you do that?"
"Well, Patrick, around here they know me by my face!"