BS: Joke thread for 2023

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 27 Apr 23 - 07:13 AM

Rupert Murdoch, Donald Trump, and Alex Jones walk into a bar.
Three billion dollars fly out the door.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 27 Apr 23 - 06:57 AM

This is a joke thread. Not a place for exercising your bitter take on politics. Here's a political joke worthy of at least a faint guffaw, unlike yours:

Q: What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?

A: In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: gillymor
Date: 27 Apr 23 - 06:49 AM

oy

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 27 Apr 23 - 06:16 AM

The GOP wants to test three agencies...
So a white nationalist is released in the capitol building and puts the FBI, CIA, and Florida State Police in charge of tracking down and returning the white nationalist.

The FBI goes in first, and after questioning all sources concludes that White Nationalists are everywhere and look like everyone else and claim the test is a hoax.

The CIA go in second and quickly decides it is a conspiracy theory and the FBI is in on it so they stop their investigation.

The Police go in and come out ten minutes later with a badly beaten up black man saying "ok, ok I'm a white Nationalist."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 26 Apr 23 - 06:38 PM

I can fly. Watch it, pal. We birds don't have officially demarcated toilets.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 26 Apr 23 - 04:34 PM

When you can fly get back to me.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 26 Apr 23 - 01:12 PM

"Steve Wonders how deep ducks dive."

Steve wonders why you posted a link to a bunch of stupid and irrelevant Amazon ads.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 26 Apr 23 - 07:41 AM

Donuel ......'''''I recently bought my pet duck a mask, to protect it from bird flu...
It’s nothing flashy, but it fits the bill.'''''
That is the first of your so called jokes that actually made me laugh. Well done.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 26 Apr 23 - 07:30 AM

heh heh heh
Steve Wonders how deep ducks dive.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 26 Apr 23 - 04:57 AM

While we're on this theme, an oldie but goodie:

Q. How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

A. Microwave it 'til its bill withers...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 26 Apr 23 - 02:28 AM

Dad, there's a man at the door with a bill!

Are you sure it's not a duck with a bowler hat?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 25 Apr 23 - 06:18 PM

I recently bought my pet duck a mask, to protect it from bird flu...
It’s nothing flashy, but it fits the bill.

An arrogant platypus was bragging to a duck and the duck said, "when you can fly get back to me".

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bill D
Date: 25 Apr 23 - 10:28 AM

Ignoring the 'judge's' flawed logic in the above, I am reminded of my own cleverness when I was working in a cabinet shop years ago.
At the end of each day, the shop.. and the floor.. would be covered with various types and levels of sawdust, and we were expected to stop 'about' 10-15 min. before quitting and clean up...
   Well, there were a couple of guys who seemed to consider themselves above such menial work and often did only the minimum.
   So, one day I made a sign at home and brought it in and posted it near the time clock. It said..

" EVEN AS YE SAW, SO SHALL YE SWEEP!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 24 Apr 23 - 07:23 PM

A blacksmith was put on trial for a murder he did not commit
A guard from a village was found dead with a sword sticking through his chest. The blade was deemed to be the handiwork of the local blacksmith, however he had been away from the village at the time of the murder. Nonetheless, he was arrested shortly after returning and demanded his immediate release.

The town judge decided to charge the blacksmith with murder, arguing that he had forged the weapon that ended the guard’s life and was still responsible. Before being found guilty, the blacksmith pleaded for leniency, claiming not to have personally been a part of the murder. The judge only looked at him and stated before delivering his sentence for the murder, “Thou who smelt it, dealt it.”

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Mrrzy
Date: 24 Apr 23 - 06:47 PM

Wensleydale?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 24 Apr 23 - 08:18 AM

He was going to build a 'roquefort' near the 'golden cross' at 'Wigmore' but used 'brick' intead. It was for the 'stinking bishop'! and 'Margot'. The fort would be 'pyramide' shaped and called 'Blarney Castle' The 'huntsman' who was a 'Dubliner' came by in his 'caravane' but was 'pourly' equipped as he had one 'Dunlop' 'Wellington' He stepped in some 'longhorn' 'manouri' and suffered from 'livarot' as a result. There was an 'abondance' of 'butte' so they would not starve.

I did think of going on but can't think of any more cheeses.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 23 Apr 23 - 04:38 AM

Anyway, it sounds like this incident was nacho fault. I suggest you get in touch with the chap so that you can both tacho bout it. That would be the extra-mature thing to do. Always is when it comes to the cruncher.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 23 Apr 23 - 04:27 AM

That lump of cheese may well have been wasted but I hear that there are stiltons available, thank goodness. I mean, no whey could we do without it.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 23 Apr 23 - 03:09 AM

He had just lost a game he had rented and was fed up with chess hire

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 22 Apr 23 - 11:05 PM

Rats: now I'll have cheesy puns going rind my head all night.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 22 Apr 23 - 10:52 PM

You just cheddar say that didn't you .... ?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 Apr 23 - 07:38 PM

Did he throw the whole lump at one go, in which case emmental of it to hit you? Edam it, man, tell us!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 Apr 23 - 07:34 PM

Unless, of course, he missed you completely, which would have been a rarebit of luck...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 Apr 23 - 07:33 PM

Did he throw your own cheese at you or was it nacho cheese? If he achieved his aim and hit you, it sounds very much like a feta complis to me...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 Apr 23 - 07:29 PM

Did the cheese stay in one piece or was there a lot of de brie?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 Apr 23 - 07:07 PM

Did he miss or did he throw it caerphilly?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 22 Apr 23 - 05:53 PM

A bloke just threw a lump of cheese at me

How dare 'e!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 22 Apr 23 - 06:45 AM

I saw my wife bending over the freezer and suddenly felt compelled to make love there and then. So I came up behind her and did the deed. However I am never doing the same thing again.....   We are banned from that supermarket!!!!!!.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 Apr 23 - 05:02 AM

My favourite t-shirt slogan is "Either you like bacon or you're wrong." I know it has connotations with pig-headed and fallacious argumentation (see what I did there?), but, taken literally, it chimes with me. Unsmoked dry-cured streaky done almost but not quite to a crisp, please!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Helen
Date: 21 Apr 23 - 08:38 PM

I tried posting this in the Frayed Knot thread but it's closed. I found a t shirt online and bought it because this is my favourite joke - well, one of my faves anyway.

Frayed Knot t shirt

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 21 Apr 23 - 01:04 PM

I could have sworn I just heard the weatherman say there'd be "a crap of thunder". Is that a strike so loud you shit yourself, or farting and following through?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bob Hitchcock
Date: 21 Apr 23 - 10:05 AM

Good one Bill, it reminds me that 99.9999% of all the lawyers in the USA make the rest of them look bad.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bill D
Date: 21 Apr 23 - 09:42 AM

A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked to add 2 and 2.
        The housewife replied, "Four!".

The accountant said, "It's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures
through my spread sheet one more time."
The lawyer pulled the drapes, dimmed the lights and asked in a
hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bill D
Date: 15 Apr 23 - 07:14 PM

D t G...
reminds me of the guy who went to his priest and asked if he and his wife would be thrown out of the church.

"Why? What happened to give you that concern?"

"Well, the other day, I caught her bending over the tomatoes, and I just had to have her.... so I did!"

"Um.. that sounds unusual, but kind of romantic. Why would you think you'd be thrown out of the church?"

"Well, they threw us out of the Safeway!" (or Sainsbury's, if you prefer.)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 13 Apr 23 - 03:38 AM

The Mrs and I heard that for a better sex life we should make love whenever and wherever the mood strikes us. I'm not sure they will let us in Sainsbury's on a Saturday afternoon again.

(I bet that getting my willy out in Sainsbury's got more reaction than a troll post on Mudcat:-) )

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 13 Apr 23 - 01:38 AM

SLAP!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 13 Apr 23 - 01:37 AM

I've been planting annual seeds, rose vines and bulbs.
Steve please don't have another psychotic break, or as they called it in your day, 'running amock'.

I bet $100 I can get more reaction with a wave of my hand than one of your jokes...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 12 Apr 23 - 07:57 PM

I'd love the joke to be on me if it raised a laugh. I'd love the joke to be on you but I see naught but tragedy in your direction, and you appear to be having a bad week across the threads. I blame memories of mushrooms. Anyway.

I love trying to pack myself into a small suitcase but I really struggle. I can hardly contain myself.

I went out once with a girl called Simile but we didn't get on. I don't know what I metaphor.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 12 Apr 23 - 07:03 PM

This is the editorial thread for Steve. The joke is on him.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 12 Apr 23 - 03:43 PM

Got anything that's actually funny?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Donuel
Date: 12 Apr 23 - 08:34 AM

Give a man a gun, and he will rob a bank,
Give a man a bank and he will rob the world.


What is the difference between a gun with a blocked barrel and a constipated owl?
One can shoot but not hit, and the other can hoot but not shit

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 11 Apr 23 - 03:41 PM

I went to visit a friend in hospital but he was asleep when I got there. The nurse explained that he had a very restless night and it would be better to leave him to sleep.

I noticed that the patient in the next bed had no visitors and, as I had to wait the best part of an hour for my bus home, I decided to have a chat with him. It turned out that he was foreign and didn’t seem to speak much English but I did my best. After only a few minutes, he became quite agitated, snatched off the mask he was wearing, blurted out some unintelligible words and collapsed into unconsciousness. I called the nurse, who call the resuscitation team but it was too late – he had passed away.

I realised that I had heard his last words. It was my duty to try to fulfill his dying wish. I wrote down his words, phonetically, as best I could while they were still fresh in my mind. They didn’t sound French, Spanish or Italian but I thought that it could be German or Scandinavian. A German speaking friend suggested that it was more likely eastern European. After trying, Polish, Czech, Hungarian, and various others, with the aid of Google Translate, he eventually came up with a rough translation:-

“Get your chair off my oxygen pipe!”

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 11 Apr 23 - 02:53 PM

I went visiting my friend in hospital and it was sad to see her lay there with a tube stuck up her nose.

I keep telling her to stop snorting Smarties

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 10 Apr 23 - 06:03 PM

A bit of vintage Tommy Cooper.

I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody. It was a Chinese restaurant. I said to this Chinese waiter, 'Look, this chicken I got here is cold.'
He said, 'It should be, it's been dead two weeks.'

I said, 'Forget the chicken, give me a lobster,' and he brought me this lobster. I said, 'Just a minute, he's only got one claw.' He said, 'Well he's been in a fight.' I said, 'Well give me the winner.'

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Michael
Date: 09 Apr 23 - 05:54 PM

And one from my childhood: Have you ever seen a hospital in the middle of the road? (A not uncommon sight back then).

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 09 Apr 23 - 10:58 AM

Awwww. I remember Mmario well. Long live your memory, Leo.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bill D
Date: 09 Apr 23 - 10:37 AM

Our own late, lamented Mmario:
(Leo Pola)
Put that Budweiser back in the Clydesdale

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 09 Apr 23 - 10:03 AM

What's a hospital? A nasty equine grolly...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 09 Apr 23 - 09:56 AM

What's a hospice?

About a bucket and half...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2023
From: Bob Hitchcock
Date: 09 Apr 23 - 09:49 AM

Speaking of twelve horse ale Bill, I always thought they should put it back in the horse. But then I don't think the horse wants it back.