Favourite Limerick [8]

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick [8]
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 24 Mar 24 - 11:18 AM

Right then, here's one composed one line at a time on I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. Humph apologised for the scansion failure of the seed line, and the second line is as spoken by Tim Brooke-Taylor ....

The artist formerly known as Prince
On the stage he did pothture and minthe
       Then just for a giggle
       Changed his name to a squiggle
And nobody's heard of him since.

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick [8]
From: The Doctor
Date: 24 Mar 24 - 07:59 AM

I don't believe this one has appeared before:

There was a young curate from Kew
Who kept a large cat in his pew.
He taught it to speak
Alphabetical Greek,
But it never got further than µ

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick [8]
From: GUEST,Jon Bartlett
Date: 21 Mar 24 - 11:41 PM

Two more:

I have trouble with rhythm and rhyme
It's the same fucking thing every time
It is never a chore
Finding lines one thru four
But it's that last line that always buggers things up

A stranded explorer named Lou
Wired home for two punts, one canoe
The reply came "OK.
Two girls on the way
But what in the hell's a panoe?"

Jon Bartlett

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick [8]
From: GUEST,Ray
Date: 15 Mar 24 - 10:00 AM

In a 20 odd year old thread, I’m not sure if this has been mentioned, but the late Tony Capstick was fond of -

There was an old woman from Bude
Who went for a swim in a lake
A man in a punt
Stuck his pole in her ear
And said, “You can’t swim here, it’s private”.

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick [8]
From: Bill D
Date: 15 Mar 24 - 09:06 AM

I had to do it: Gleaned from several sources and edited for good scanning..

The Farter from Sparta

There once was a young man from Sparta.
A really magnificent farter.
On the strength of one bean
He’d fart “God Save the Queen,”
And Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata.

He could vary, with proper persuasion,
His fart to suit any occasion.
He could fart like a flute,
Like a lark, like a lute,
This very fartistic Caucasian.

This sparkling young farter from Sparta,
His fart for no money would barter.
He could roar from his rear
Any scene from Shakespeare,
Or Gilbert and Sullivan’s Mikado.


He’d fart a gavotte for a starter,
Then fizzle a fine serenata.
He could play on his anus
The Coriolanus:
Oof, boom,er-tum,tootle, yum tah-dah!

He was great in the Christmas Cantata,
He could double-stop fart the Toccata,
He’d boom from his ass
Bach’s B-Minor Mass,
And in counterpoint, La Traviata.

Spurred on by a very high wager
With an envious German named Bager,
He’d proceeded to fart
The complete oboe part
Of a Haydn Octet in B-major.

A range from classics to jazz,
New effects with bubbles of gas.
With a good dose of salts
He could whistle a waltz
Or swing it in razzamatazz.

His basso with timbre so rare
He rendered with power to spare.
But his great work of art,
His fortissimo fart,
He saved for the Marche Militaire.

One day he was dared to perform
The William Tell Overture Storm,
But naught could dishearten
Our spirited Spartan,
For his fart was in wonderful form.

It went off in capital style,
And he farted it through with a smile,
Then, feeling quite jolly,
He tried the finale,
Blowing double-stopped farts all the while.

The selection was tough, I admit,
Tho it did not dismay him one bit,
But with his ass thrown aloft
He suddenly coughed…
And collapsed in a shower of shit.

His bunghole was blown back to Sparta,
Where they buried the rest of our farter,
With a gravestone of turds
Inscribed with the words:
"To the Fine Art of Farting, A Martyr."

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick [8]
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 15 Mar 24 - 06:42 AM

There was a young lady from Aberystwith,
Who invited a man to play whist with.
They got fed up with that,
So they lay on the mat,
And played with the things that you piss with.

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick [8]
From: gillymor
Date: 14 Mar 24 - 10:54 AM

Here's an oldie that may have already appeared here-

There was a young girl of Cape Cod
Who thought babies were fashioned by God,
But ’twas not the Almighty
Who hiked up her nightie –
‘Twas Roger, the lodger, by God!

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick [8]
From: Bill D
Date: 14 Mar 24 - 10:10 AM

... deciding whether to post the entire "Farter from Sparta"
Or, you can look it up..

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick [8]
From: GUEST
Date: 14 Mar 24 - 09:47 AM

A man from the sticks
Would always get limericks
Confused with haiku.

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick [8]
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 13 Mar 24 - 11:19 PM

.... can't .... resist ....

An architect student from Warwick,
When feeling the least bit euphoric,
       Would display for selection
       Three types of erection:
Ionian, Corinthian, and Doric.

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick [8]
From: Joe_F
Date: 13 Mar 24 - 05:48 PM

"Minimus" should be "minimis".

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick [8]
From: GUEST,Jon Bartlett
Date: 13 Mar 24 - 02:44 PM

The modern cinematagraphorium
Is more than a supersensorium
It's a highly effectual
Heterosexual
Mutual masterbatorium.

There was a young man from Cape Horn
Who wished that he'd never been born
And he wouldn't have been
If his father had seen
That the end of the rubber was torn.

And my absolute favourite:

There was a young lawyer named Rex
Who had a small organ of sex.
When arraigned for exposure
He said with composure
"De minimus non curat lex"

("the law does not concern itself with small things")

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick [8]
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 13 Mar 24 - 08:59 AM

There was a young man from Hunt's,
Who stood on the bridge at Buckingham.
Watching the stunts of the c---s in the punts,
And the tricks of the p-----s that were f-------'em

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick [8]
From: GUEST,Frank B
Date: 13 Mar 24 - 07:13 AM

A randy young cleric from Leicester
Seduced Mrs Brown just to teicester
He kissed and carreicester her
Seized and posseicester her
And then, as an afterthought, bleicester

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick [8]
From: Joe_F
Date: 10 May 15 - 08:20 PM

A young lady who lived near the Bosporus
Was seduced by a red-eyed rhinoceros.
    Said she, with a shriek,
    "His horn is unique
And leaves mere men looking preposterous."

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick [8]
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 10 May 15 - 10:48 AM

There was a young fellow named Carter,
He was a magnificent farter
He could fart anything from God save the King
To Beethoven's Moonlight Sonater
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick [8]
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 10 May 15 - 10:12 AM

An inquisitive maiden named Alice
Used a dynamite stick for a phallus
THey found her vagina
in North Carolina
And part of her anus in Dallas

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick [8]
From: LadyJean
Date: 09 May 15 - 08:28 PM

When e'er Lady Lowbodice swoons
Her boobies pop out like balloons.
But the butler stands by with hauteur in his eye
And lifts them back in with warm spoons.

The lecherous old bey of Algiers
Once said to his harem, my dears,
Though you may think it odd o' me,
I'm tired of sodomy.
Tonight there'll be f__cking.
Loud cheers.

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick [8]
From: Joe_F
Date: 09 May 15 - 06:25 PM

There has already been a Nantucket one (see Mousethief). However, there is also

There once was a man from Nantucket
Who went down to hell in a bucket.
    When asked to come out,
    He would sit there and shout
"Up your arseholes, ye buggers! and suck it!"

I also vaguely recall one with no taboo words, ending with the line

And as for the bucket, Nantucket.

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick [8]
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 09 May 15 - 02:51 PM

There was a young man of Milan
Whose limericks never would scan.
When told it was so
He replied "Yes, I know;
But I always like to try to cram as many words into the last line as ever I possibly can!"

There was a young woman called Jane
Who always threw up on the train:
Not once but again
And again and again
And again and again and again.

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick [8]
From: The Barden of England
Date: 09 May 15 - 02:22 PM

There was a young man from Swoboda,
Who wouldn't pay a whore what he owed her,
So with great savoir faire,
She stood on a chair
And pissed in his Whisky &Soda.

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick [8]
From: Tradsinger
Date: 09 May 15 - 01:57 PM

I have some unfinished ones

There was a young man from Nantucket...

A chap from the National Front ....

Any volunteers to finish them off?

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick [8]
From: Tradsinger
Date: 09 May 15 - 01:49 PM

There was a young fellow called Painter
Whose voice grew fainter and fainter
Then one day it just faded away.

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick [8]
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 09 May 15 - 05:16 AM

There was a young plumber from Lee,
Who was plumbing a girl by the sea,
Said the girl stop your plumbing,
There's somebody coming,
Said the plumber still plumbing. yes me.

The was a young man from Buckingham,
Who stood on the bridge at Uppingham,
Watching the stunts,
Of the cunts in the punts,
And the tricks of the pricks who were fucking 'em

amen, Dave H

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick [8]
From: Joe_F
Date: 08 May 15 - 08:08 PM

There were two young ladies of Birmingham,
And this is a story concerning 'em.
    They lifted the frock
    And tickled the cock
Of the bishop while he was confirming 'em.

Now, that bishop was nobody's fool.
He'd been to divinity school.
    So he hauled down his breeches
    And screwed those two witches
With his holy episcopal tool.

Now, one of those girls was named Sue,
And Sue said, when the bishop was through,
    "The vicar was quicker
    And slicker and thicker
And two inches longer than you."

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick [8]
From: Joe_F
Date: 07 May 15 - 08:44 PM

There was once a young lady of Tottenham,
Whose manners -- good Lord! she'd forgotten 'em.
    Taking tea at the vicar's,
    She took off her knickers,
Because (she explained) she felt hot in 'em.

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick [8]
From: Jack Blandiver
Date: 07 May 15 - 05:41 AM

Oops. Here's the whole thing on YouTube:

Little Zooks

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick [8]
From: Jack Blandiver
Date: 07 May 15 - 05:37 AM

Little Zooks : A Limerick by Edward Gorey

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick [8]
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 07 May 15 - 05:32 AM

Synchronicity:

F&SF Magazine have just published the results of a Limerick Competition
For those who read SF/Fantasy

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick [8]
From: Jack Blandiver
Date: 07 May 15 - 05:15 AM

From 'The Listing Attic' - Limericks by Edward Gorey (1954)

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick [8]
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 07 May 15 - 04:57 AM

There was a faith healer of Deal,
Who said, "Although pain isn't real,
If I sit on a pin,
And it punctures my skin,
I dislike what I fancy I feel."

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick [8]
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 07 May 15 - 04:45 AM

There was a young wife from Antigua
Who said "Oh my dear, What a pigua."
He said "Oh my queen
Is it manners you mean
Or do you refer to my figua?"

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick [8]
From: BobL
Date: 07 May 15 - 02:41 AM

There was a young lady from Leicester,
Who said to the man that undreicester,
"You'd best have your whack
Through the hole at the back,
The front one's beginning to feicester."

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick [8]
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 06 May 15 - 01:27 PM

There was a young lady called Dinah
With a music box in her vagina.
All the boys they had larks
To the sweet sound of Bach's
Toccata and Fugue in D minor.

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick [8]
From: Mrrzy
Date: 06 May 15 - 01:05 PM

(12 + 144 + 20 + 3sqr4)/7 +5*11 = 81 + 0

Otherwise read as:

A dozen, a gross and a score
Plus three times the square root of four
Divided by seven
Plus five times eleven
Is eighty-one, not a bit more.

(or, are 81 not a bit more).

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick [8]
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 06 May 15 - 12:55 PM

There was a young lad who gingerly
Tore a hole in his sister's best lingerie.
As he ripped off her vest,
He thought "Might be best,
To add incest to insult to injury!"

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick [8]
From: Joe_F
Date: 06 May 15 - 12:01 PM

There once was a lady from Fife,
Whose man was the bane of her life,
    For he had an aversion
    To every perversion,
And only liked fucking his wife.

Well, one day the poor lady struck,
And she wept, and she cursed her hard luck,
    Saying, "Where have you gotten us
    With your monotonous
Fuck after fuck after fuck?

I once knew a harlot named Sue,
And a versatile girl she was, too.
    After ten years of whoredom,
    She perished of boredom
When she married a jackass like you."

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick [8]
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 06 May 15 - 11:15 AM

There once was harlot named Rhoda
Who dwelt in a spacious pagoda
And festooned the walls
Of the halls with the balls
And the tools of the fools who bestrode her

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick [8]
From: GUEST
Date: 06 May 15 - 05:55 AM

Can't let this thread die a death - I have forgotten more of these than I remember

There was a young woman from Louth
Who returned from a trip to the South
Her mother said "Nelly,
There's more in your belly,
Than ever went in by your mouth"

There was an old woman called Randal,
Whose behaviour caused quite a scandal,
She reared her proud rump
At the old village pump
And made improper use of the handle

There was an old vampire called Mabel
Whose periods were somewhat unstable
At every full moon
She'd pull out a spoon
And drink herself under the table

There was a young woman called Starkey
Who had an affair with a
The result of her sins
Was triplets, not twins,
One black, one white and one khaki

There was an old whore of the Ruhr
Who poxed everything that went through her
The smell of her tw@t
Killed a twenty foot rat
That had lived all its life in a sewer

There was a young woman called Cager
Who as the result of a wager,
Consented to fart
The whole oboe part
Of Mozart's quintet in F Major

There was a young lady from Chichester
Who used to make saints in their niches stir
One morning at matins
While dressed in white satin
She made the Bishop of Chichester's britches stir

I'll get my coat

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 30 Jan 11 - 01:12 AM

Another non-X-rated ~~ made up at the appropriate historical moment by a very brilliant pupil, David Williams of Acrefield Drive, Cambridge, in my long-since teaching days, for the Chesterton School Astronomical Society's newsletter ~ which, needless to say, he edited:

Apollo to Mission Control
We are almost in reach of our goal
But this reading of 'G'
Seems excessive to me
And I think we are near a black

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Bryn Pugh
Date: 18 Sep 07 - 09:24 AM

There was a young lady from Surrey
Who needed to piss in a hurry.
She lay on her back
And opened her cxrack
And Fred backed in in his lorry.

('lorry' here requires pronunciation in the Queen's Manchester accent.)

There was a young man from the Cape
Who was buggered by a bloody big ape.
He screamed 'Get off, you foll -
You've got a square tool
Which is knocking my arse out of shape.

Our local cinematorium
Is not just a visual sensorium
But a highly effectual
Heterosexual
Mutual masturbatorium.

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Midchuck
Date: 18 Sep 07 - 08:54 AM

As Titian was mixing Rose-madder
His model posed nude on a ladder.
Her position, to Titian,
Suggested coition.
So he climbed up the ladder and had 'er.

There was a young lady named Arden
Who blew her boy friend in the garden.
He asked, his voice gruff:
"Do you swallow that stuff?"
And she replied, "(gulp) Beg your pardon?"

There was a young fellow named Durkin
Addicted to jerkin' his gherkin.
His wife told him, "Durkin,
By jerkin' your gherkin,
You're shirkin' your firkin, you bastard!"

P.

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Nick
Date: 18 Sep 07 - 05:33 AM

der der-der der der-der der der
der der-der der der-der der der
der der-der der dee
der der-der der dee
der der-der der der-der der der

It's an instrumental

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 17 Sep 07 - 09:24 PM

There once was a girl named Bathsheba
Who made love with a German amoeba
It would writhe on her belly
In a petulant jelly
And soulfully murmur, "ich liebe!

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 Sep 07 - 08:48 PM

Ah.

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Big Al Whittle
Date: 17 Sep 07 - 06:33 PM

small

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 Sep 07 - 06:15 PM

With a very WHAT willy...?

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Big Al Whittle
Date: 17 Sep 07 - 06:12 PM

there was a young lady from Dorset
who wore an inpenetrable corset
til a chap from Caerphilly
with a very willy
Found an aperture through which to force it

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: treewind
Date: 17 Sep 07 - 10:25 AM

There was a young man from Nepal
Who went to a fancy dress ball
He thought he would risk it
Dressed up as a biscuit
But the dog ate him up in the hall.

Subject: RE: Favourite Limerick
From: Dave Hunt
Date: 17 Sep 07 - 09:57 AM

A habit obscene and unsavoury
Holds the Bishop of Wessex in slavery
With maniac howls
He deflowers young owls
Which he keeps in an underground aviary

BUT....

The Bishop of Dunstan St.Just
Was consumed by a similar lust
So he raped all those owls
Those elegant fowls
And a little green lizard- what bust!