BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Rustic Rebel
Date: 14 Apr 03 - 11:49 PM

Hey Spaw, would you mind if I donate some Playmate Paul dolls, equipped with projectile penises, to go along with those Patty poopchute dolls? You might get a few more ooos and ahhs from the women. I'll donate and leave the masterminding details up to you on how those projectile penises could really give us a bang for our buck!
Happy No-Birthday Spaw.
Love, Rustic

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: khandu
Date: 14 Apr 03 - 10:12 PM

Carol the Strange One, not till you pay the $10.32, by gonnies! And, I am still awaiting that pubic apology you and the Spaw owe! And Melani...what's this questioning me, the King of Mississippi? In fact, I have seen too much lack of respect by most of you for my Royal position. Why, Joe Offer respects my crown. Can you not take a lesson from him? He is a superb example of how a mature Mudcatter should act. He and I.
This thread is a goiter on the neck of decency. It has gone from bad to putrid. This shows me that the world is going to hell in a hardbisquit! I am greived by the complete lack of respect and decency displayed on these pages. I hope no unaware visitor happens to blunder in to this thread. I am incensed! I snarl in your general direction!!! And I am certain my Friend (capital "F"), Joe Offer is snarling, too!

Ken-I hate Goiter Threads!-khandu

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: CarolC
Date: 14 Apr 03 - 09:46 PM

I think I'd pay to see that.

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: catspaw49
Date: 14 Apr 03 - 09:42 PM

Tweed buddy, the boy is really losing it......Did you see that last bit? I mean he's just sucking up real bad and I dunno'...........I tell ya' Tweedster I don't think we can afford the 900 gallons..............Hmmmm.............But maybe you're on to something there!   

I know that Ol' Bobertz got in an order of love dolls that aren't what he wanted and we can get them cheap......and they'd be perfect for your idea! The order he was expecting was for a gross of "Ginny Vaginey-Anatomically Correct Playmates," but you know how he is about all that West Virgina crap so he added a "West" in front of the name on the order. Well, the guy at the factory knew that everything was bass-ackwards in West Virginia so he relabeled a box of "Patty Poopchute" dolls instead. Bobertz says he tried 'em but it just wasn't his thing. So we get those from him and then inflate them with propane. Shouldn't take more than one jug to inflate all 143 of them (Remember that Bobertz used one and I ain't touchin' that one!).

Then I'll pick up some of them skids that the local lumber yard has laying outside. With 5 skids and a roll of duct tape we can make 143 crosses and on top of eash one we put a propane filled Patty Poopchute doll

Now all we need is maybe 2 gallons of kerosene. Let's see, a nickel a piece on the dolls, a jug of propane, skids (free), duct tape, kerosene..........Man the whole thing will be less than 20 bucks!!!!

So we set all this up in front of khandu's place and pour some kerosene on the base of each cross and light 'em up! As soon as the flames start growing they'll reach the opening where the plastic is thin on Patty dolls.........AND OFF THEY'LL GO!!!!

Damn Tweed, can you see it? 143 love dolls with flaming asses climbing skyward like some perverted fireworks display! As they fizzle out they zip this way and that like deflating ballons and fall back to earth trailing little flames while the crowd goes "OOOOOOOOOO" and "AHHHHHHHHHHHHH".............Man it will be glorious!!

How can something so stirring, so dramatic, so, dare I say it, almost patriotic, not bring Brother khandu back to reality? Call Bobertz and get the Patty Poopchutes and I'll grab the skids and we can get to work on this right away!

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: khandu
Date: 14 Apr 03 - 08:55 PM

Why, hell no!!! I hate cut and paste threads!!

Ken-I hate cut and Paste threads-khandu

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Tweed
Date: 14 Apr 03 - 06:48 PM

khandu sez:Do you really think that people like Joe Offer and me are pleased...?? ....blah,bluh,blablabla!

Get a grip khandu az no one in thar right mind gives a damn whether Ken-I-hate-BS Threads-khandu and yore dear friend, Joe Offer, iz pleased or not. This ain't behavior befitting a person of royal lineage, even if it's a somewhat muddied gene pool.   

Spaw I believe your treatment would be the best thing. We need a lot of kerosene (about 900 gallons), a spray rig, a zippo, and an old abandoned farmhouse for khandu to light up. I know he's not been himself since his cousin-brother-uncle-dad Trent was shown the door a short time ago and this calls for extreme measures. A good bonfire or book burning would put the glow in the boy's cheeks again.
If not, I'd say that a lynch party using manniquins or inflatable love dolls would surely snap him back to reality.

I'd just like to see khandu cut and paste a 5,000 word article on solar windmills and post it here sometime and see how tight him and Joe Offer really is! Haw!!

Yerz,
Tweed

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: catspaw49
Date: 14 Apr 03 - 08:18 AM

Why thank you Noreen!! What a fine way to begin Day 4 of my non-birthday!!!!

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Noreen
Date: 14 Apr 03 - 08:09 AM

Happy unbirthday, dear!

*smmooooooooch*

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Melani
Date: 14 Apr 03 - 12:55 AM

Khandu--WHAT kind of apology??

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Art Thieme
Date: 14 Apr 03 - 12:51 AM

Spaw,

Well, we both made it this far, anyway. Now you (and me) can both aim to make mine on July 9th. It ain't much but it gives us something to shoot for.

Art ------------(By the way, have the best one ever.)

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: catspaw49
Date: 13 Apr 03 - 06:16 PM

Actually Russ, you are of course, ahead of time!!! Yes, here we are wworking on Day Three of my non-birthday!!! If we have another 55 days or so of this non-birthday we will come up on the real thing.

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: GUEST,Russ
Date: 13 Apr 03 - 05:51 PM

Birthday? Wouldn't hatching day or spawning day be more appropriate?:)

Russ (Mr. Day late and Dollar Short)

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: CarolC
Date: 13 Apr 03 - 05:44 PM

So khandu, how do you really feel about threads like this one? I really think you should stop holding back. You know what Nurse Ratchet said in group therapy last week: when you hold things back, you get backed up, and you know what that means! Time for the BIG E!!!

(Yee-Haa!)

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Mark Cohen
Date: 13 Apr 03 - 01:30 AM

Yeah, 'Spaw, we know, you just can't wait to back up to it, right? Just watch out for blowback...and don't say I didn't warn you.

Aloha,
Mark

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: catspaw49
Date: 13 Apr 03 - 12:07 AM

Alright folks, we GOTTA' do something. Let's start coughing up some dough to get khandu some kerosene and a few 2x4's........He's about completely over the edge now.....

Hang on khandu......you'll be torchin' a cross in no time and then I know you'll feel a lot better..........

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: khandu
Date: 12 Apr 03 - 11:52 PM

You know what I detest? Confusing threads. I hate them almost as much as birthday threads. Don't you people understand that people arrive here already confused, that we are here to help them, rather than add to their previously existing confusion?
This is not what the Mudcat Cafe was designed for...to confuse. NO! We are here to HELP!!
Do you really think that people like Joe Offer and me are pleased to see this confusion run rampant? WE ARE NOT PLEASED!!!
I insist that all of you confusers desist and report to the nearest mental health center immediately!
Carol the Sailor and Spaw...you are the ones responsible for this specific bit of confusion. You must immediately make a pubic apology to all of the Sensible and Sane Catters like Joe Offer and me. You must also work to undo the deeds of confusion you have done, the seeds of confusion you have sown.
You also are fined $10.36 for this act. Send the money to me posthaste!
And quit this silliness!

Ken-I hate Confusion Threads-khandu

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: khandu
Date: 12 Apr 03 - 11:41 PM

Melani, worry not. if it concerns the Spaw, it is confusing. Even I get confused. We are not here to decide if Caesar was an honorable man, we are here to...wait...what? Oh! Spaw! Yes...now what about him? His birthday? Wait...I am conf...what time is it?

k

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Melani
Date: 12 Apr 03 - 11:28 PM

This is really confusing. Happy Birthday, Spaw, whenever it is.

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Rick Fielding
Date: 12 Apr 03 - 10:03 AM

Yah, yah, friggin' yah.

Rick and heather

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 12 Apr 03 - 02:27 AM

Damn! I just now saw this thread. Spaw had an unbirthday and I missed it! Gotta get my shit together. Spendin' way too much time doin' unimportant stuff like workin' and playin' music and eatin' when I should be wastin' time postin' to Mudact BS threads.

Well, anyway, from one asshole to another, happy unbirthday, Asshole!

And, if you need some more assholes to help you celebrate, here's a whole friggin' army of em:

***************************************************

Bruce

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: CarolC
Date: 11 Apr 03 - 06:51 PM

hahahaha...

You're welcome folks. But I can't really take credit. JtS showed me that site, and I just stole it for my own wicked purposes ;-)

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: JenEllen
Date: 11 Apr 03 - 06:24 PM

Thanks, CarolC. Nothing clears the air better than a good laugh, and nothing clears your office faster than a gigantic fart over your computer speakers. *bg*
~JE

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: catspaw49
Date: 11 Apr 03 - 10:26 AM

I have tried to explain khandu's problem but it's obvious that he's in denial. If he joined the army right now, he could also be in da' Tigris and da' Euphrates as well.

He seems to be having a tough time of it. His business is also suffering as the stock at "Big Bubba's Slightly Used Bedsheet Emporium" has trickled down due to the lack of fiery cross rituals. Perhaps the only real solution is to have all of us chip in and get him a few gallons of kerosene.

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Tweed
Date: 11 Apr 03 - 10:05 AM

Dammit, khandu!
Why must you insist on ruining Spaw's special un-birthday day? Whining and moaning and brown nosing Joe Offer about putting BS threads down at the bottom of the page, which is, of course, complete BS. What a ridiculous idea.....everyone knows that it could never work, as the BS would push the Music threads clear off the top of the page. The place is awash in BS.
Also, you might as well leave off wif the brown nosing and just put your tongue straight down the back of pore Joe's trousers and get it over with.
Happy Unbirthday again Spaw and please blow or fart out yore cake candles whenever yore ready to.

Yerz,
Tweed

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: MMario
Date: 11 Apr 03 - 08:29 AM

Hell - with 'Spaw every *DAY* it's the same old thing...*bseg*

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Allan C.
Date: 11 Apr 03 - 08:16 AM

Bo-o-o-ring! Every damned year it is the same blessed thing!!

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 11 Apr 03 - 04:57 AM

Spaw whenever it is enjoy it, I'm sure you'll have a blow-out when you do. Hey aren't you supposed to use the other end to blow the candles out?? Wow that's what you call a fire hazard!!!!
H.Bdy.......Giok

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 11 Apr 03 - 03:16 AM

Hey, you old fart, still having birthdays? Just keep away from the candles!
Have a skifflin' good one!
RtS

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Mark Cohen
Date: 11 Apr 03 - 12:23 AM

Cool American accent, Cllr. I can almost hear your chewing gum cracking.

Carol, that was so not fair...I have work to do!! As the Brits say, BRILL!

Aloha,
Mark

(So now what are you going to do for the real birthday? Hey, I know...you can mail him an accordion, only instead of music it plays farts. Wait a minute, what am I saying: instead of music??? Isn't that what the lawyers call assuming the counterfactual?)

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Cllr
Date: 10 Apr 03 - 11:59 PM

What EvvERRr as you americans would say 8p All the best spaw Cllr

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 10 Apr 03 - 11:48 PM

Spaw, I hope you have more unbirthdays during the year! I didn't realize how much I really needed the laugh all of these friends of yours have provided. Great site, CarolC.

SRS

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: wysiwyg
Date: 10 Apr 03 - 11:39 PM

You know, I really think I should splurge and get Hardi that remote-control fart machine.... cuz, with it, funerals would be SUCH a gas!

Not to mention vestry meetings, Bishop's visits, ladies sewing circles...

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Troll
Date: 10 Apr 03 - 11:19 PM

'Spaw, I didn't know you had birthdays. I thought that they assembled you out of spare parts that were laying around down at the Skunk Oil Factory.
It just goes to show...

troll

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: khandu
Date: 10 Apr 03 - 11:18 PM

And the BS continues...on and on and on it goes, where it stops, nobody knows. Again, I will speak slowly,, read my lips, this is a MUSIC FORUM, music- you know-that stuff you play with instruments. MUSIC FORUM!

Yet, it has become apparent to me that most of you sadly do not have the mature dignity of Joe Offer and me. So, after much consideration, I realize that this birthday-fart-non music silliness will continue despite my sweaty efforts to educate and enlighten you. Therefore, I have made this strong and firm suggestion to the Mudcat Powers that Be; I suggest that Pene Azul, with his wonderful wizardry, come up with some way to cleanly separate the Music threads from the stupid, infantile BS-birthday-fart childish threads, maybe putting the BS as close to the bottom of the page as possible. This would have a two-fold result. The practical (having music threads all to themselves) and the psychological (People would have to go "low" to find the BS, and, in doing so, would realize that BS is as low as one can go).

I know this will take time to implement, but it will be worth the wait. And this will truly "separate the men from the boys"!

Ken-I hate BS threads-khandu

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Tweed
Date: 10 Apr 03 - 11:11 PM

Happy un-birthday Spaw and here's the perfect gift to sooth that overworked and infamous sphincter of yours. Just duct tape one of these babies to your ass for fast and gentle relief. They keep your shorts clean too so Karen won't have to use a stick to place them in the washer anymore;~)   
*SpawPads*

Yerz,
Tweed

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Peter Kasin
Date: 10 Apr 03 - 11:03 PM

Carol, we're forever in your debt for such borgarygmously flatulentious nasturtium. :-).

Spaw - Lord Windesphere and Paul Boomer send their regrets they are here on this occasion!

Chanteyranger

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: catspaw49
Date: 10 Apr 03 - 09:44 PM

Say pj....Be sure to have your personal fireman check that thread he wrote to me about. I sent him a PM......it's his turn.

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: catspaw49
Date: 10 Apr 03 - 09:40 PM

You're going to all have to forgive our friend khandu. It's been very tough on the boy lately and his delicate psyche cannot take much more abuse.

Most of us know the feeling that has come over him lately......like the world ain't nothin' but a shithouse and we're the flys it attracts? Well friends, Brother khandu's fly has been swatted and hit with a load of shit as well and he is really in a sorry state (Mississippi) of affairs. The other day he wrote me and said, "Spaw, it's hopeless.....What's the use of smelling the magnolias if I can't whiff the kerosene?" Yea friends, the world has come down on Brother khandu!!!

Khandu my friend, that's it isn't it? You haven't had a good cross-burning in months have you? First the mideast situation jacked the price of kerosene out of sight which meant that none of your broke-dick, jack-leg, buddies could afford even a pint. It was a quandary for all of you I know, a classic guns or butter piece of economic theory. No cross burning is complete without rhetoric and beer so you could either have rhetoric and beer or kerosene.......a situation not resolvable for most of you I know.

Then came the latest kick in the ass......Here you all thought you had them in the bag and then those sorry sumbitchin' Commies on the Supreme Court showed their true stripes and ruled that cross burnin' ain't protected by the First Amendment's right to free speech. Really threw you for a loop didn't it? And what with it coming on top of everything else..............Well, it's enough to say that "we understand." We're here for you man..........

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: p.j.
Date: 10 Apr 03 - 09:38 PM

OH MY!!!

Thank you Spaw, for being such a fart-infested inspiration to CarolC that she could not wait for your birthday to share this rare and wonderful website with us!

And what a fitting way for us all to celebrate your existence on the planet, whatever it's infamous day of origin.

You know, my dear, that this is the 307th day of the rest of your life...how ya doin' with that?

I must away now, my love, I have so many, many firemen to send this lovely greeting card along to....

pj

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: CarolC
Date: 10 Apr 03 - 09:37 PM

I don't know why any of you would presume that I wasn't loonie loooonng before I started playing the accordion or before meeting JtS.

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Amos
Date: 10 Apr 03 - 09:14 PM

Looks to me like there's a whole circle of looooooniness flying 'round and 'round here!! And I know Khandu ain't gettin' any, so it's GOTTA be the accordion or the Canadian, and we're at peace with Canadians...


A

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: harpgirl
Date: 10 Apr 03 - 08:56 PM

...gee whiz Carol...all that sex is making you kinda looney! hahahah

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: khandu
Date: 10 Apr 03 - 08:49 PM

And what's all this preoccupation with farts? Have you people become so jaded that you search the gutters to find humor? Or are you just a bunch of juveniles parading as folk music lovers? Or, Carol the Strange One, is it that the accordion has finally driven you nuts like it does everyone that listens to one long enough? Puh-lease, people, all I ask is that we maintain a little dignity on this forum!!! D_I-G-N-I-T-Y...is that too hard of a word for you?

Me and Joe Offer...we got dignity! Perhaps if the rest of you would search our previous posts in this MUSIC FORUM, you will come to understand what I am talking about! Take a Lesson or two!

Ken-I hate Fart Threads-khandu

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: CarolC
Date: 10 Apr 03 - 08:26 PM

Well then, Mr. Ken-I hate birthday thread-khandu, I recommend the "trumpet" setting for you.

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: khandu
Date: 10 Apr 03 - 08:16 PM

I ain't going to wish Spaw no happy birthday today or any other day. I don't believe in birthday threads. They are a waste of time and space. They are a nuisance and an annoyance. Those who waste space with birthday threads should be ashamed. They should hang their head in shame. Shame on you Carol the Sailor! Shame on you Spaw for having two birthdays in one year and causing even more space and time to be wasted. That's whats wrong with todays generation...the whole world is going to HELL because of mentality like we see demonstrated here. This is a MUSIC FORUM!!! Hear me?? M-U-S-I-C !!! Check out the Mudcat Cafe, see what it says about itself...not one damn thing is said about birthdays!! But you reprobates and anarchists are trying, working overtime to undermine this great web-site AND this great nation! I shake my head in DISGUST!!!!

Now, me and Joe Offer (the only two sane and reasonable people here!) are going to go have a beer and discuss possible repercussions!

Ken-I hate birthday thread-khandu

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Bobert
Date: 10 Apr 03 - 07:43 PM

Happy Birthday, Spawzer,

I baked you a cake but made the mistake of askin' my couzin Rufus to drop it by the Post Office and he made the bigger mistake of givin' the danged thing to Retha May to mail. Well, that ol' gal can smell a twinkie thru 12 inches of lead so if it don't show at least know that I'm thinkin' of ya.

And just to prove it I had the P-Vine correct all the spellin' and typo's in this post so you wouldn't have to use your Wes Ginny dictionary tryin' to figure out what I'm sayin'. How'd she do?

Hey, Spaw, me and the Wes Ginny slide rule have been tryin' to figure out just how old you are. I says a day younger than you'll be tomorrow and the W.G. slide rule says a day older than you were yesterday. One of us is bound to be right.

But seriously, my friend, Happy Birhtday...

Bobert

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: CarolC
Date: 10 Apr 03 - 07:27 PM

So I figure I'm ahead of the game then. Enjoy a cheesy one for me.

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: catspaw49
Date: 10 Apr 03 - 07:04 PM

Great site Carol.....and I want to say that this is a fine day not to have a birthday and tomorrow is shaping up as yet another. So thanks for the non-greetings on my non-birthday. The best part of this is that it will really piss Joe off(er) since the real ones are bad enough for him.

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: Amos
Date: 10 Apr 03 - 06:08 PM

Thanks, Sins, just what I needed. Say, who'd'a ever thought that Spaw was such a YOUNG fart!!?   An' him such a worldly guy, too! Just shows to go ya -- even the worldly ones can fool ya some of the time!



A

Subject: RE: BS: Happy Birthday Spaw!!!
From: SINSULL
Date: 10 Apr 03 - 06:06 PM

Happy Unbirthday, spaw and everyone else not celebrating a birthday today.