BS: Being alone, how?

Subject: RE: BS: Being alone, how?
From: katlaughing
Date: 15 Feb 04 - 05:08 PM

Here are the low income houses he features on that site: clickety.

Subject: RE: BS: Being alone, how?
From: katlaughing
Date: 15 Feb 04 - 05:04 PM

Take a look at this website: Flying Concrete. Beautiful, functional homes/cottages, etc. can be built very inexpensively by this methods. It'd be the perfect means for group building parties. The fellow who has promoted it so much touts it for low income, esp. and is avail. for telephone on-site consults for a low $20 per hour plus modest expenses! I am realy impressed by him and the products. He is very candid and helpful. We're thinking about adding onto our house with one of these, anyone wanna come party?**bg**

Cuillion, Deckman, I really like the sounds of both places!

kat

Subject: RE: BS: Being alone, how?
From: Deckman
Date: 15 Feb 04 - 01:54 PM

"Guest," I hear you loud and clear, and I also have had the same thought. A few years ago, one of my closest friends told me that he had terminal cancer. He and I had agreed to a mutual pact wherein which ever one of us was the "survivor," we would help the other to hasten his demise. As it happened, just before we set this plan in motion, this person had two people arrive at his door and declare that they both wanted to be there until the end. This indeed happened, and it ended quite wonderfully. Bob

Subject: RE: BS: Being alone, how?
From: GUEST
Date: 15 Feb 04 - 01:37 PM

I'm posting as Guest because I am too well known here. I can't imagine anything worse than being thrown away because one is old and infirm. The ultimate indignity is one I will not suffer. I have the means to end it, and I will.

Subject: RE: BS: Being alone, how?
From: Deckman
Date: 15 Feb 04 - 01:07 PM

Howdy Folks,

My appology for refreshing this thread, but I needed to save it until I had more time to contribute to it. And, thank you "Maire-aine" for starting this topic. I have to confess up front that I still have not had the time to carefully read all the previous contributions, but here's my early thoughts:

This subject is also very often in my mind. While I am very happily married (and lucky in finding "Bride Judy) I also know that it could change in a heartbeat. Both of my parents died in 2002. For the last years of their lives, I was the principle person in their lives, even though they lived in a nursing home four blocks from my home. I know ALL about nursing homes in my area. Some are horrible, some are wonderful. If at anytime anyone wants my advice on how to choose a good one, or reject a bad one, just PM me and I will give you some things to think about.

For whatever reason, my darling Judy has always declared that she knows that I will outlive her. Should that horrible thing happen, I DO have a long range goal in mind. Here it is:

Most of my working life, I have been a carpenter, builder and designer. I have a building in mind. Picture this: A very large rectangle of buildings. This would be a series of SEPARATE buildings, perhaps 20 feet square. Each of these "cottages" would be a bedroon, with a complete bathroom. These would all open onto a common boardwalk, again in the rectangle. Within this assembly of individual bedroom cottages, would be two other buildings, one a large and complete kitchen/dining hall. The other could be a large recreational area. The very center of this rectangle could be an open air "atrium." All of the walkways would be completly covered from the weather. I hope this overly simple description gives you the concept. It would require a sizable piece of land.

I see it working like this: a group of like minded people, of all ages and genders, pool their money and "live together." One of the residences could house a nurse. It would be a "collective", for lack of a better term. I have many single friends who are wrestling with this question. Their answers are varied, and some quite ingenious.

Anyway, I did want to throw this concept into the mixture of thoughts.
And I also want to thank you again for starting this very useful thread. CHEERS, Bob(deckman)Nelson

Subject: RE: BS: Being alone, how?
From: freda underhill
Date: 14 Feb 04 - 06:58 PM

enjoy it dianavan, it's fun, and is a good reason to keep pursuing your interests..

when my kids grew up i thought back to when i was 19 and picked up and continued a lot of the things i'd sacrificed over the years!

best wishes

fred

Subject: RE: BS: Being alone, how?
From: dianavan
Date: 14 Feb 04 - 04:12 AM

Freda: It sounds to me like you have the right idea. I worry about being too dependent on "old friends" and family. I know that right now my work absorbs most of my time and energy but I certainly feel the need to expand my world of connections. Thanks for motivating me.

d

Subject: RE: BS: Being alone, how?
From: freda underhill
Date: 14 Feb 04 - 02:19 AM

D&M alert...

i have been living without a partner for four years. My ex lives next door, and we share custody of the cat.

living alone was a shock - my children went overseas and i was living alone for the first time ever. I was very conscious of the empty space in the lounge room.

it took me a couple of years not just to accept it but to enjoy it, and what helped was friends.

loneliness is a trap which can force people into going into lousy intimate friendships to plug the gap.

i have some different circles of friends. four of us who are all artists went thru long term relationship breakups around the same time. we got together four years ago and organised to meet regularly as a group, every six weeks, and go out together, which we have done ever since. One is Lithuanian/aussie, one is Aboriginal, one is Croatian/oz, I am an Irish/scottish australian. Some of us within that circle meet more often than that separately. I have known one of these women for 32 years, the other two for 20.

I have an old friend who is a psychologist. She has organised a similar support circle and we meet every month. there are five of us - the other four are Jewish women in their early fifties. I turn 50 in a couple of weeks. Two of us are singers, the other three are psychologists. We meet every month and spend around four hours together, at one of our homes, talking. One of these women has cancer, and we give her support. We have talked out a number of very personal issues, and as the time has gone by have built up very trusting relationships. I'll be meeting with them tomorrow. it is a great time to get together and talk, and we have a lot of fun as well.

There is another group of us who get together - five of us who used to be in a choir together meet every 2 months to sing and talk. we had this one at my place today.

Having these regular circles has helped a lot. These circles are different from my other networks which are either old friends from the 70s, artists, people from the co-op, friends from work or folkies. The circles operate like regular reliable support groups, and we plan them to happen and keep happening.

Having these has helped me to become more emotionally independent and not to depend too much one a couple of close friends.

four years later i enjoy my home & peace & quiet. of course then the two younger kids (22 and 24) moved back in. we've got things set up so they live upstairs & I live downstairs.

when i was first on my own, i got back into reading. I poured a bit of energy into some artwork. I worked long hours. and i did a lot of folk music.

these things were good and filled up space. but now i feel i've relaxed into a lifestyle i think will continue on for a few decades.

when i spend time with my children, its a social occasion and we enjoy it. i don't want to depend on them, or them to depend on me.

I have talked about these circles of friendship as a way of talking about the major need for single people of any age - emotional connection & trusting friendships. i think its interesting to have friends from different circles and from different decades. These friendships are valued and cherished.   

blah blah...

i value the connections and friendships i'm making thru mudcat too!

best wishes

freda

Subject: RE: BS: Being alone, how?
From: Mudlark
Date: 14 Feb 04 - 01:37 AM

Well, I for one vote for voluntary euthanasia. Though I have many friends, all of whom I love dearly, I am basically a loner sort who needs lots of alone time. When my life partner of 40 years died suddenly I went into a 2 yr panic mode. My head was filled with What-ifs and Oh-my-gods...

Now, nearly 3 yrs later, I've had to deal with many of the very things I worried about, including going through major surgery, and somehow, sometimes alone, often with help from friends, I've gotten through surprisingly well. And I am coming to feel a sense of competence and self-confidence I wouldn't have believed possible 3 years ago.

I'm rarely, if ever "lonely," as such. I miss John still, every day, but I'm also comfortable with my own company. I have a lot of interests, too many actually to give any of them their due, and 3 dogs as merry companions.

My health is frail, and has been for some time, and I'm also experiencing trouble with my eyes now. As I live out in the country (and can't imagine living any place else), I still get panic spells about not being able to drive, not being able to take care of a country place, etc. But I'm getting better about coping with them. I give myself over to a day of panic control: mindless TV and microwave popcorn, and the next day do something active, like cleaning out the fishpond, or renovating a garden bed, and by the 3rd day I'm fine again.

I do think it's important to take what precautions you can. Like you, Maryann, I've made a will, left instructions about the dogs, left spare keys with friends, set up a system of daily, or near daily email contact, so if something happened to me, somebody would know about it soon enough to take care of the dogs...and hopefully, me. I carry a cell phone with me now, not only in the car, but when doing slightly dangerous outside stuff far from the house phone.

I've sung in enough care facilities to feel that the Hemlock Society would be my new best friend, should it ever come to that. My husband died in his sleep, after a pleasant, active day working outside. I can only hope that is my fate as well.

Thanks for this thread...it's good to know, in yet another way, that we are not "alone," a old-folkie support group! Lots of good ideas here...

Subject: RE: BS: Being alone, how?
From: open mike
Date: 13 Feb 04 - 03:32 PM

perhaps we should work on legalization legislation so we can have piped - in hookahs in our rest home rooms? looking at the big picture...

Subject: RE: BS: Being alone, how?
From: Amos
Date: 13 Feb 04 - 03:31 PM

ROTFLMAO. The seamy side would be that if they don't get taken in by _someone_, of course, they get put to sleep. "Save Ole! Give him a loving home today!! He doesn't eat much and will keep your television warmed up for you!"

I suppose its one of those things that shouldn't really be funny. Unfortunately, it is!

A

Subject: RE: BS: Being alone, how?
From: JenEllen
Date: 13 Feb 04 - 02:45 PM

Move to a town with a decent nursing college and post free rent for some student who is willing to help with chores and personal care. If you've made yourself be alone (and it IS a choice--billions of bloody people in the world, we're too crowded to be lonely) you are going to have to figure on paying for care. You can't expect anyone to do anything out of the kindness of their hearts when you've done nothing to inspire it.

That said, the conversation reminds me of one I had with my sainted Nana some time ago. I was driving across the midwest with a dalmatian in the back seat for 'rescue', and she thought it was the funniest thing that we (people) drive across the state for a dog, but forget our own families. That started a downhill slide of "Grandparent Rescue" and to this day I can't drive past another car with an elderly person in the backseat without thinking of her.

We sat laughing about webpages full of blurbs, and pictures of expectantly smiling elderly people. "EDNA= needs a good home, she's house-trained and great with kids..." "MORRIS= needs a home with no other old people and plenty of room to run..." "SYLVIA= needs Xtra care, she comes from an abusive home with children who never call..." Fundraising drives and collections for rubber sheets and cans of Ensure, the whole nine yards. It's probably more feasible than any "Old Folkies Home".

Subject: RE: BS: Being alone, how?
From: kendall
Date: 13 Feb 04 - 09:46 AM

Being alone sucks. Being with just anyone bites. Thats life.

Subject: RE: BS: Being alone, how?
From: NicoleC
Date: 12 Feb 04 - 10:54 PM

Cuilionn, sign me up if you put it someplace warmer than Maine. It sounds lovely. I may not be around the place very often, though, as I can't abide roommates :)

I hereby solemnly swear that, should I win one of those CA Super Lotto Jackpots, I will set up a self-sustaining and internet connected farm that Mudcatter's are permanently invited to stop by for a week or a year or a decade, provided that you do your share of the weeding and milking.

Subject: RE: BS: Being alone, how?
From: GUEST,Buffy the Hamster slayer
Date: 12 Feb 04 - 11:42 AM

Hamsters are very zen.Unless they are 8foot tall.

Subject: RE: BS: Being alone, how?
From: GUEST,G-string
Date: 12 Feb 04 - 11:35 AM

Bobjack, please expand on "get a hamster". The vein of this thread is very enlightening and I would go so far as to say very helpful to persons that are either in a lonely environment or have been. I can - as it happens personally understand the benefits of a pet under these circumstances, and indeed having a hamster. In my case it has proved to be a very worthwile companion - be it for the noise of it going round in its wheel to break the silence of the long days, or the daily task of feeding it. Have you found the same with your hamster ?

Subject: RE: BS: Being alone, how?
From: Jeri
Date: 12 Feb 04 - 11:22 AM

I'd agree with Peter T. I believe Taoist philosophy says something about desire/ambition being the root of unhappiness. In some ways, I agree with that. When there's no way desire may lead to improvement, it will only cause frustration. "I want, but can't have." That's where loneliness springs from.

Where I think the philosophy is wrong is that desire and ambition CAN lead you to change your life so you can attain those things you desire, and they'll fit into your life.

I think most, if not all people who are fairly happy with their lives regret some aspects, some of the time. The "what'll happen to me if" aspect is most likely confined to those alone, whether they've chosen the lifestyle or it's been dumped on them. There is an infinite number of ifs just as there's a nearly infinite number of if onlys. You've got to get a good handle on the difference between things you can predict and do something about and an imaginary future hell, which ought to have a big old "Road closed. You didn't really want to visit anyway, did you?" sign hung at its entrance.

Subject: RE: BS: Being alone, how?
From: Bobjack
Date: 12 Feb 04 - 10:50 AM

Get a hamster.

Subject: RE: BS: Being alone, how?
From: Peter T.
Date: 12 Feb 04 - 10:24 AM

I come at this in a different way, being alone (not by choice), but having spent time in Buddhist monasteries, and having thought about the dynamics of it a lot. I think there is a difference between what I would call loneliness, which can sometimes freeze you to the bone marrow, and being by yourself. Having also been in unhappy relationships, my experience is that it is better to be alone and reasonably happy, than together and being very unhappy. Being lonely is only marginally better than being together and being very unhappy, but it is better (marginally). Being together and happy is the best!!

I think people have different ways of being by themselves. Some people are nested alone, some are nomads who have stopped by the roadside for a few moments. Some see their being alone as a shock, others see it as being normal, others see it as being a burden, others a liberation. (The same is true in the opposite sense of people in relationships -- all sorts of different takes on what being in a relationship is).

I looked after my mother and father for the two years prior to their deaths (and spent a lot of time in nursing homes in the last nine months of my mother's life), and I was -- and am -- shocked that in so called modern societies we cannot find a way to have old people live and die in their homes in comfort, unless they have a lot of money. Why the yuppies aren't out on the streets protesting, I do not know.

It has also been my experience, maire-aine (thanks for the thread by the way), that people with good friends may be by themselves, but are not alone when trouble hits.

yours,

Peter T.

Subject: RE: BS: Being alone, how?
From: Tinker
Date: 12 Feb 04 - 10:04 AM

What a wonderful thread. At this stage, with four kids and a husband, I'm more likely to look back on my 20's when I was single and living alone as a time of haven. But my oldest will be a high school senior next year and I'm beginnning the road to empting the nest...
This fall as I had half a dozen Shellbacks visiting, treaties1 asked me what I was going to do with all the house when the kids were gone. My immediate response was to fill it with wandering Mudcatters. She's already volunteered to come and fill some of the space if it starts to ramble. Perhaps in time it really will take seed.....

tinker

Subject: RE: BS: Being alone, how?
From: *daylia*
Date: 12 Feb 04 - 08:00 AM

I raised 3 sons, on my own for the most part, from the time I was nineteen. Now that they're grown and gone, I'm discovering for the first time in my life the joys of living alone. I've never before been able to do whatever, go wherever, watch whatever (the remote is MINE now!), sing, dance play eat or be however I feel like in the moment!   I've never before brought home a paycheque without having all of it .. and more ... accounted for before I even cashed it. I've never before had such a quiet clean home that even stays that way longer than 10 minutes (although I have discovered that I DO create quite the mess all on my own, after all those years of thinking the only ones I picked up after were "them").

I have the time and space and peace and quiet to do alot of reading, contemplating, "inner work" -- and I've found such wonderful company and inspiration listening to that "small still voice within". How could I even hear it before, during all those noisy busy years? It's wonderful to discover who I really am, above and beyond the roles I've played for others.

It has it's drawbacks too, like no-one around to help with heavy yard-work, no-one to check in on you when you're sick. But I'm learning to let go of my pride and independence and ask friends and neighbours for help when I really need to. And it's heartwarming to see how much people really do enjoy being of service to others, especially in emergencies.

It's funny -- my opposite-sex childhood friends that would drop by every so often for a visit while I was married, (and in so doing, rock the "marriage-boat" quite a bit) are the ones who are STILL around and most happy to help me out with the repairs and heavy work. On the other hand, my "mate(s)" who promised to love and protect and look after me forever? HA!!! So, I've discovered that in the long run, cultivating friendships is far more valuable and rewarding than taking vows. AT least, that's my experience.

As for the future, I suppose I could spend a LOT of time worrying about all the concerns mentioned above. But instead, I train myself to be grateful for every single blessing in my life, and to stay in the here and now. These affirmations are VERY helpful when I find myself going to that "worry place" ---

I love myself, and so I live and love totally in the here and now, for I know the present moment is the point of power".

I am a powerful and dynamic woman! I handle all of my affairs with love, with wisdom, and with ease"

Today is one the best days of my life! Everything I need comes to me, and everything I need to know is revealed to me. Everything in my life always works out to my highest good.

And so it is. All is well in my world."

(with gratitude to Louise Hay, from her book "You Can Heal Your Life"),

I've been using those affirmations, and others, faithfully like mantras whenever negative thoughts would come up for about 2 years now. They are finally feeling like the truth these days. I AM changing, and I love it!

But I'm sure after the novelty of the single life wears off, I'll be ready to try "community living" again. I like the idea of a Mudcat "retirement home!"

Great thread ... thanks to all for sharing your stories! It's wonderful to know I'm "not alone" after all!   ;-)

daylia

Subject: RE: BS: Being alone, how?
From: freda underhill
Date: 12 Feb 04 - 07:16 AM

in sydney, i live in an artists community in the inner city. it was created by a bunch of artists who had previously run a co-op gallery in ultimo for 3 years. we selected the people from that gallery who were positive, and who had been prepared to work to help make the thing run.

our community is a co-operative, and we acquired land (two adjoining derelict factories)through a housing program. We put in a huge submission in the late 1980s and were granted enough money to purchase the land, demolish the existing buildings . we interviewed over 20 architects and chose two architects who designed us a great co-op.

The people who live here are mostly visual artists,and a couple of musicians. we have a property which is bordered by two streets, an open back yard with shared gardens, a co-op studio in the middle of the back yard, and 11 units. this year we will renovate one of the units (mine) into two townhouses - a 2 bedroom upstairs for my two younger children (aged 22 and 24) and a 1 bedroom self contained unit downstairs for me.

we also have friends who live nearby, and my best friend and her husband bought the house over the road from me.

this has been a good place for us - we have people here from all sorts of backgrounds and countries, and it has given us all a secure "old artist's home" to look forward to.

Subject: RE: BS: Being alone, how?
From: Penny G.
Date: 12 Feb 04 - 06:32 AM

When my youngest sister(50) and her husband move away to Kentucky in May they will be starting a new life on 29 acres with stream and woods.She is an artist and has encouraged me to join them there....she told me that they worry that I will have nobody to care for me when I get old...she is 7 years younger and is going to"save me a spot" if I ever decide to leave the hills of Virginia...I have felt the sting of loneliness but really will feel it more when the last of my chicks heads off to college next fall...it is nice to know that someone cares enough to make an offer to let me live on their land but I am not ready for Campbellsville just yet...I wonder almost everyday what sort of life I will have in my sixties and beyond..I think it is hard when friends are scattered all over...I will follow this thread for inspiration and direction...

Subject: RE: BS: Being alone, how?
From: dianavan
Date: 12 Feb 04 - 01:01 AM

Funny thing about "being alone". When I was a single mom with two kids I thought I was "alone". When they left home I knew that now I was truly alone. I worried and fretted about old age.

Then I got a little taste of it. I had knee surgery and was in bed for a couple of weeks. Well, the kids brought food and cleaned house. Friends came by and made dinner. Flowers were delivered from work. And last, but not least, the downstairs tennant checked in on me each day. I'm really not alone after all.

But, yes, ... we are working on plans for an "elders" community.    It includes a room for a live-in caretaker/nurse. We're calling it the "Last Resort".

d

Subject: RE: BS: Being alone, how?
From: LadyJean
Date: 12 Feb 04 - 12:36 AM

On March 18, 1993, I found myself living alone with my left arm out of comission. I learned how to medicate a cat one handed. (Put a blanket over the cat, and wrap your legs around cat and blanket. Use your good hand to pry open the cat's mouth, and your cast impaired hand to squirt the cat medicine into his mouth.)

I also acquired Donald. He was recently divorced, and in need of a place to live.
He lived in my other bedroom for 7 years. He could be seriously annoying. (He liked to clean the kitchen. This was good. He liked to start at four in the afternoon. This was not good.) I had someone there if something happened. (He chased a burglar away one night.) But, while we were friends, we never had a closer relationship. There's a lot to be said for finding a Donald.

Subject: RE: BS: Being alone, how?
From: open mike
Date: 11 Feb 04 - 11:50 PM

I, too, am intimately acquainted with intentional communites! I live with 8 other partners on 50 acres we went in on nearly 30 years ago. When i first lived "in community" (besides students sharing a large house during university days) i was in the community which co-edited Communities Magazine along with Twin Oaks. One of the most recent Communities Magazines is about aging and growing old in community. It is now published in Sandhills community in missouri.

There is another effort that i think deserves some attention and that is In Harmony in Corvalis, Oregon. Greg Brown loves this project & has doen several benefit concerts and c.d.'s for them. (One of them, Solid Heart, is based on a poem by one of the kids looking for a home) The goal is to create a space to house young people and older people who all need homes. and Senior center/orphanage type village.

***OH--BY THE WAY, there is 80 acres (2 40 acre parcels) adjoining the 50 acres we are on which will be on the market soon and would make an ideal location for such a Village!! it has a creek, southern exposure, meadows and wooded land, and...and....I showed the place to some people who are looking land for a group living space. they thought it had potential.

See also: Co-Housing--the co-housing movement is growing and many people are finding that sharing space is a great solution for economic, ecological and cultural reasons..google this and find out.

The Care Taker Gazette seems to be more about finding situations where you are taking care of someone else's property. This might not be the situation if and when WE get to need taken car of! nbsp;  1. THE CARETAKER GAZETTE       ... SECURE Website by clicking here: www.caretaker.org THE CARETAKER GAZETTE is a unique newsletter containing property caretaking and house sitting opportunities ...      http://www.angelfire.com/wa/caretaker/    2. THE CARETAKER GAZETTE      ... Each issue of the GAZETTE features a full-page caretaker profile describing the lifestyle, responsibilities and personalities of people in caretaker jobs. ...      http://www.angelfire.com/wa/caretaker/profile0396.html
   3. The Caretaker Gazette - Property Caretaking & Housesitting ...      Celebrating The Gazette's 22nd Year of Publication! Todays Date: February 9, 2004. Facts About The Caretaker Gazette. Free Report! ...      http://www.caretaker.org/   4. The Caretaker Gazette - Caretaker Profiles
      ... THE CARETAKER GAZETTE PO Box 540-M River Falls, WI 54022 USA [phone] [e-mail]. The Caretaker Gazette is in

Subject: RE: BS: Being alone, how?
From: Big Mick
Date: 11 Feb 04 - 10:38 PM

maire-anne, you have started one of the best threads I have read in a long while. I love, and am in awe, of the honest sharing of feelings and fears here. I cannot offer much, as this doesn't apply to me. But I am learning a great deal from what you have started. And to read the comments of Jeri, who has become a very important person in my world, gives me a whole new appreciation of this wonderful woman.

Should I ever hit the big lottery, Cuillon, you will have your land. Would that it could be true.

All the best,

Mick

Subject: RE: BS: Being alone, how?
From: Little Hawk
Date: 11 Feb 04 - 10:05 PM

Life is full of surprises. Absolutely anything can happen. Accordingly I always try to behave sensibly in the present, but I don't worry too much about the farther future. Most of the things that I ever worried about happening in the future never did...other things happened instead. Some were good. Some were not. But I could not have predicted any of them. That's how it usually goes.

But that's just me. Anyone out there who wants to plan, go right ahead and formulate the best plan you can.

- LH

Subject: RE: BS: Being alone, how?
From: Cuilionn
Date: 11 Feb 04 - 09:53 PM

(Forcing myself oot-- er, OUT--of Scots for clarity's sake)

I have been a caregiver to others most of my life. Caring for others is meaningful and often satifying, but it can be physically and emotionally draining, and the story of the "maiden aunt" who dies penniless in an attic after a lifetime of caregiving is, unfortunately, played out by hundreds of thousands of women every year, as it has been for centuries. Although I'm technically "young yet", I live in my own version of the proverbial garret, and the dream of independent means remains just that, a dream.

As a voracious reader of history, however, I've also discovered that "intentional communities", particularly those formed by & for older women, have also existed for centuries. My favourites are the Beguines, (12-14th centuries, Europe), who pooled their resources to acquire housing, started cottage industries to ensure self-support, and used any aditional profits to set up programs for the good of their local communities, like schools and hospitals. Evidence suggests they also had a right jolly time of it and lived long, happy, meaningful lives!

Here's my vision of a workable format, to be based somewhere in Maine once we find and buy land and wade through zoning ordinances and such:   

We create a cultural centre/folk school (MY dream, here, so of course it's all CELTIC!), on a campus that includes a large organic garden & Caretakers' Residence/Bed & Breakfast/Ceilidh Palace. (An artists' colony, i.e. handful of wee cottages out back, available to Celts & MudCatters, is also an option.) We can work together as needed, feed ourselves from the garden and a few well-chosen critters (Highland Cattle, milk-goats, chickens/turkey/quail, sheep, and/or pigs), and subsist on the income from our B&B, cultural programs (incl. classes & concerts), and any other cottage industries we invent.

We'll market the place as a "Cultural Tourism Destination" combining the best of Maine's agricultural/maritime traditions with the best of Maine's Celtic immigrant heritage: harps, bagpipes, fiddles, language classes, bardic lore, etc.

In the off-season, we'll host conferences, retreat groups, and the occasional wedding or family reunion. We'll keep each other company, take turns cooking & cleaning, and check up on each other as needed. From May to September, we'll have to work the crowds, but the less-social among us can retreat to the gardens or sequester themselves in the cottages, doing light administrative work or other important tasks and projects. Rents & other logistics of habitation will be based largely on the "co-housing" concept, with a nice local barter economy of skills, goods, and services.

Now, all we need is a handful of pro-bono legal & financial advisors, four or five major grants, and--oh yes--that convenient parcel of land!

--Cuilionn, (who adds that men can be a part of this too, if they're willing to contribute to the gardening, cooking, and cleaning as well as the education and entertainment!)

Subject: RE: BS: Being alone, how?
From: maire-aine
Date: 11 Feb 04 - 08:03 PM

Thank you, everybody, for your very thoughtful responses. Just so you know, I'm not depressed or anything, really. Just considering my options. Thanks for all the info on intentional communities. I even found one here in town. And I, too, like the idea of a Mudcat House/Compound. And while the idea of meeting a nice Mudcat man is appealing, I ain't holdin' my breath.

Cheers,
Maryann

Subject: RE: BS: Being alone, how?
From: katlaughing
Date: 11 Feb 04 - 06:36 PM

Thanks, Allan, that IS what I meant.

Subject: RE: BS: Being alone, how?
From: Mickey191
Date: 11 Feb 04 - 05:34 PM

Okay Gals, I'll take the back bedroom-I'll cook tonight. This Mudcat Haven was a great idea.

My husband died 10 yrs. ago, (no kids) I have no one except a few cousins. But I have great neighbors (friends) who have seen me thru his sudden death, cancer & a heart scare. I had friends of friends (strangers) bringing me meals. But in the quiet hours of aloness I wonder what happens when I can't drive or because of a drought in the area -I may have to move. Moving scares the hell out of me-all the friends scattered. Nursing homes scare the hell out of me. I'd rather get a rope & find a tree, then end up there.

Jeri's last paragraph sums it up.You take care of today and have faith & just persevere. Keep puttin' one foot in front of the other with some great music to help you keep step. Try not to worry - Be Happy!!

Subject: RE: BS: Being alone, how?
From: Rustic Rebel
Date: 11 Feb 04 - 05:14 PM

All I can say is life is always full of surprises. You might just get what you need exactly when you need it Maire-aine. Don't despair or worry about what you can't change, change the things you can. Who knows, you might just find yourself a fine Mudcat man one of these days!
Take care of yourself. Rustic

Subject: RE: BS: Being alone, how?
From: GUEST,Kids-free
Date: 11 Feb 04 - 04:36 PM

Would anyone agree with me on the following ? Previously just about everybody had kids and the majority of folk had partners. Contraceptives didn't really exist and divorce was a no-no.

Nowadays we have CHOICES; to have kids or not, to live with a partner or live alone.

Having choices is a great thing. I have a dodgy relationship so I consider myself single for the important issues such as the future. I have chosen not to have kids. Great, I am happy with that.

I wouldn't want it any other way. ( Well, ok, I would prefer a mudcatter man.. but .. ) I do think, however, we are animals that were put on the planet to reproduce, and when we don't do that one misses out on that " planning for the next generation" bit. I believe that having kids / grandkids to take care of keeps you busy and gives you a continuity that us "kids-free" folk don't have.

Anyone agree ?

Bye the way, I just LOVE the mudcatter residential home idea.

Subject: RE: BS: Being alone, how?
From: SINSULL
Date: 11 Feb 04 - 04:04 PM

maire-aine,
Kendall's recent illness has had me thinking along the same lines. I have family but all live a significant distance from me, my choice, not theirs. If I were hospitalized or confined home I would be alone. Friends would help but no one could live with me.Guess it would be paid help and hope they don't steal anything.

The House Of The Setting Sun is very real to me. But not in New Orleans. There is a home for retired opera singers who are down on their luck in Italy. Verdi founded it, I think. They live comfortably, sing when they feel like it, and everyone laughs at the tenors.

We wouldn't need much - a roof over our heads, decent food, privacy, and music. Health care would be nice, I guess. I suspect we could never agree on a location but cost of living would have to determine that to some degree. Maybe just a big house with lots of bedrooms and bathrooms with some common living area.

I know I could survive in a rest home, maybe even be happy. But I would rather live with friends than survive with strangers.

So...all the women catters sell their homes and collectively buy a large house with cottages on the property. Some live year round; some visit. Money???? Oh that!

Subject: RE: BS: Being alone, how?
From: Teresa
Date: 11 Feb 04 - 03:50 PM

I am walking a fine line--wanting to be as independent as possible, yet also desiring support. I believe this is possible. I like to spend a lot of time alone, but also like to know that people are around, and I can be a part of a supportive community.

I've lived most of my adult life away from my family. After realizing that my family and I need each other in very real ways, on all levels, I am relocating to be closer to them. I'll be "sacrificing" a lot, moving away from an area with a lot of folk and other happenings, but I have Mudcat!!! :D I'm nearing 40, and I'm now comfortable in my own person. I am going to do what I can to nurture relationships, and who knows; I may find a life partner. I'm ready for more of life's adventures, whatever they may be.

I hope this helps someone in some way. Thank you all, 'catters, for welcoming me back after an extended absense. [now wiping tears away] :)
Teresa

Subject: RE: BS: Being alone, how?
From: Allan C.
Date: 11 Feb 04 - 03:21 PM

What kat referred to above probably should have read, intentional communities. This is certainly an option that I have considered. I have been well acquainted with one of them and can tell you that there is much more substance to some of them than you might imagine. As you would with any enterprise, be sure to check the track record. Are they financially viable? How do they generate their income? Have they been established for very long? Do they offer a no-strings, "try us to see if we and you are a fit" opportunity?

Clicking here will bring you to a partial listing of what is available. You may want to check out their home page to read "What's True About Intentional Communities:
Dispelling the Myths" which will give you a good idea of what they are about. An excellent printed guide can be ordered here.

Subject: RE: BS: Being alone, how?
From: mg
Date: 11 Feb 04 - 02:53 PM

don't worry about being alone..worry about being three to a bed in a shabby nursing home...make friends there...

mg

Subject: RE: BS: Being alone, how?
From: katlaughing
Date: 11 Feb 04 - 02:52 PM

I have a partner, but even family can only give or help in so many ways.

A few of my scattered gyrlfriends and I have always talked about living together in our later years with or without partners. It's a comfort to think various of us might be able to offer that to another. I feel this esp. as Rog smokes and really doesn't take very good care of his health, imo.

You might be surprised at just how much friends can/will do. About three years ago when I was in depression and we needed to move out of a bad situation, a Mudcatter made a very generous offer to Rog and me to come live where they were. It was a serious option until we figured a way to get out of our predicament on our own. It was a completely out of the blue offer and went straight to my heart. I will always be grateful for the very real LifeLine it represented.(I later found out, another Mudcatter had considered offering us something similar, but it wasn't to be, at the time.)

I think one suggestion might be, too, to subscribe to the Caretaker's Gazette and/or other pubs. which might list deliberate communities where one can work to purchase part of the land; share or not in common meals, etc. kind of like a commune. You might ask Bearheart (Bekki) about this, as I believe she has experience in this. It si my understanding that can be a lot of support, caregiving, etc. in such planned endeavours.

I envy your independence. My dependence scares me sometimes.

kat

Subject: RE: BS: Being alone, how?
From: Bill D
Date: 11 Feb 04 - 02:05 PM

There have been semi-facetious threads in the past about creating an "Old Folkies" home.... Sometimes I wonder if it is not a good idea.

I am 'slightly' better off than the above, but not a lot. I have a wife and one son, and a circle of friends that I know would 'help' in moderate degrees...but as we ALL get older, who can predict? Due to life's vageries, we have no meaningful savings....so...(I am lucky am and have been reasonably healthy)

I do recommend 'joining' things if you can...church, garden clubs, folk socities...whatever....to increase the number of people who know you and care, but that only works if you are the joining type and live where it is possible.

It isn't easy in this society with accent on youth and scant 'social awareness' in institutions.

Subject: RE: BS: Being alone, how?
From: Allan C.
Date: 11 Feb 04 - 02:02 PM

I hate to even mention them because of the images they conjure, but the many retirement communities that are now scattered throughout the world do offer some major benefits along these lines.

The unfortunate images include being surrounded by people who think Lawrence Welk is still the king of music. That generation is now giving way to folks who have more eclectic tastes in such things. Of course, if the original idea, as well as the later thoughts about a Mudcat Retirement Community were ever to become a reality, then all our problems would be solved!

I know, though, that you were in earnest about your questions. I wish I could offer a more adequate response. Certainly they are issues many of us must face.

Subject: RE: BS: Being alone, how?
From: Jeri
Date: 11 Feb 04 - 01:45 PM

Hello, fellow pea. Mighty snug in this pod, eh?
The physical part of me is middle aged, and I'm also alone. Dad died when I was 17, Mom made it to 72, lived alone and died in a hospital. I was home then, and had visited her every day. I called every week prior to that. We were pretty close, and I knew when she went, it would be my last safety net falling apart. I'm an only child, and I'm not close to the last of my family, my cousins, who all have their own lives.

I've made good friends over the years, but they also have their own lives and my part in those lives wasn't too significant. I'd move and lose touch because I was always the one to call them and I'd get tired of it, and tired of being the only one who 'needed' a friend. The few I've kept and feel closest to are the ones whose lives I AM a part of and who care about me as well as me caring about them.

I think I would have ended up completely miserable as a married person, but sometimes it feels like I've painted myself into a corner. Being alone is something I'm used to, but it's tough not being able to count on a loved one with which I can share joys and sorrows, hopes and fears. But the thought of being truly dependent on people is what bothers me more than anything.

I guess you take care of what you can, you have faith that some things will just work out, and you try not to worry. Worry can make you feel worse than anything that might really happen.

Subject: BS: Being alone, how?
From: maire-aine
Date: 11 Feb 04 - 12:48 PM

Next up on the psychiatrist's couch.... All of the recent threads on death and loss have got me thinking about my own situation. Being a single woman (already well into middle age) without any siblings, I've been looking at my future rather than my past. And from where I sit, it doesn't look too rosy.

My dad died at 52 of heart failure when I was 14. My mother (who died about a year ago) lived to be 92, but her last 5 years were taken over with Alzheimer's and she had no idea what was going on. She needed help with EVERYTHING, even the most personal and intimate functions. I was very fortunate to have an aide who took care of her while I went to work, because quitting my job to take care of her was never an option.

But it brought home to me how alone I am, if anything should go wrong. I mean, even if I don't make it to an advanced age, I wonder how I would cope if anything ever happened to me, where I couldn't work and couldn't take care of myself. Heck, a serious traffic accident or even a slip and fall on the ice, and I could be laid up for months or even years.

I've tried to take the right precautions- I have a will and a power-of-attorney and long-term care insurance. But that only takes care of the financial part of the problem. I have some wonderful friends, but nobody that would be able or expected to take care of me. The emotional stress of a future alone seems to be what's bothering me the most.

Is anybody out there dealing with the same sort of issue? Especially without a life partner? Any advice?