BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011

Subject: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 03 Jul 11 - 12:58 PM

"Is There a Doctor in the House?"

It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in
the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly
piled up in all directions while a woman rushed
to help him. When she knelt down to loosen his
collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed
her aside, and said, "It's all right honey, I've had
a course in first aid."

The woman stood up and watched as he took
from his pocket a small paperback book, called
"The Pocket Guide to First Aid", took the sick
man's pulse, and prepared to administer
artificial respiration.

At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and
said, "When you get to the part about calling a
doctor, I'm already here."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: gnu
Date: 03 Jul 11 - 01:05 PM

Warning... not a PC joke.

Two Newfies, Larry and Doug, are sitting at their favourite bar drinking beer.

Larry turns to Doug and says, 'You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes.'

Doug thinks it's a good idea and the two leave.

The next day, Larry goes down to the college and meets Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, history, and Logic.

'Logic?' Larry says. 'What's that?'

The dean says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?'

'Yeah.'

'Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard.'

'That's true, I do have a yard.'

'I'm not done,' the dean says. 'Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.'

'Yes, I do have a house.'

'And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.'

'Yes, I have a family.

'I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual.'

'I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater.'

Excited to take the class now, Larry shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Doug at the bar. He tells Doug about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

'Logic? ' Doug says, 'What's that?'

Larry says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?'

'No.'

'Then you're a queer.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Peter the Squeezer
Date: 04 Jul 11 - 02:59 PM

I'm so glad Wimbledon's finished.


It's just a big racket, isn't it?

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Andrez
Date: 04 Jul 11 - 06:40 PM

Computer Haiku

The Web site you seek
cannot be located,
but countless more exist.

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.

Program aborting:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.

Windows 7 crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.

Your file was so big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.

A crash
reduces your expensive computer
to a simple stone.

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred?

You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

Cheers,

Andrez

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: machree01
Date: 05 Jul 11 - 02:44 PM

Man sitting at home on the veranda with his wife and he says, "I love you." She asks, "Is that you or the beer talking?"
He replies, "It's me talking to the beer."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 07 Jul 11 - 08:41 AM

"I'm married now for twenty years and still loving the same woman." -
"And what does your wife feel for you?" -
"Well, I think she'll kill me if she ever finds out."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 08 Jul 11 - 08:42 AM

"Voices Speaking To Me"

A woman opened the door of a building and was
about to step outside when she heard a voice saying,
"Don't take that next step or you'll regret it." She
paused and a brick came crashing to the pavement
right where she would have been standing. She
looked around and there was no one nearby.

The next day this woman was about to step into the
street when she heard this same voice say, "Don't take
that next step or you'll regret it." As she paused a truck
came racing by and smashed into a nearby vehicle.
She knew if she hadn't listened to that voice she
would have been hurt badly, or maybe even killed.

She looked behind her and there was no one nearby.
"All right," she said, "Who are you ?"

"I'm your guardian angel," the voice replied.

"Oh, if that's the case," the woman said, "Where
were you on my wedding day?"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: michaelr
Date: 08 Jul 11 - 03:12 PM

Did you hear what happened to the young couple who didn't know the difference between K-Y lube and putty?


















All their windows fell out.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Mrrzy
Date: 09 Jul 11 - 01:51 PM

What's the difference between a rowboat and Joan of Arc?

One is made of wood and the other is Maid of Orleans.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 09 Jul 11 - 03:44 PM

Why is Father Christmas like a canary?

Because they both have beards {except the canary}.


What's green & grows and has 5 legs?

Grass {I was lying about the 5 legs}.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Joe_F
Date: 09 Jul 11 - 07:58 PM

Oh, dear! Do Christians have those jokes too?

What's green, hangs on the wall, and whistles?
I don't know.
A herring.
But a herring isn't green.
It is if I paint it green.
But it doesn't hang on the wall.
It does if I hang it there.
But how can a herring whistle?
Nu, so it doesn't whistle.
    or
So I lied.
    or
I just put that in to make it harder.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 10 Jul 11 - 01:30 AM

Indeed, Joe.

Are these variants of the old jingle "If we had eggs we could have ham & eggs, if we had ham"?

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 10 Jul 11 - 06:04 AM

"Do you know the difference between an apple and an elephant?"

"No."

"Then I wouldn't send you to buy a pound of apples; you might come back with a pound of elephants."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: GUEST,999
Date: 10 Jul 11 - 11:21 AM

This slippery slope will lead to elephant jokes and herald once more the end of civilization as we know it.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 11 Jul 11 - 10:17 AM

"Real Estate Advertising Terminology"

* Unusual location:- In the path of a projected superhighway.

* Local authority grants available:- About to be condemned.

* Period residence:- Built in the last two years.

* Select neighborhood:- Beside sewage works.

* Compact:- Tiny.

* Country gentleman's residence:-
No longer suitable for agricultural tenants.

* Unusual features:- No roof.

* Delightful rural location:- In flight path of nuclear
bomber base.

* Box room:-
Suitable for accommodating one or two large
cardboard boxes, Folded.

* A wealth of period features:-
Yourself, dry rot, rising damp and an electrical circuit
best operated in insulated gloves and rubber galoshes.

* Quiet secluded setting:- On site of proposed dormitory
town.

* Well situated:- In full view of the neighbors.

* Within easy distance of:-
Next door to a pub and opposite a sex shop local
amenities.

* Rare opportunity to buy:- No one else wants it.

* For the gardening enthusiast:- Grounds like a jungle.

* Extensively modernized:-
Former DIY owner had a breakdown under the strain.

* Unspoilt:- Zoning permission granted for field next
door.

* Deceptive appearance:- It looks terrible.

* Partial central heating:-
The room above the boiler can get warm in summer.

* Easily maintained:- Requires at least two gardeners and
live-in maid.

* Useful outbuildings:- No inside toilet.

* Much sought after:-
It's been on the market at least twice before and still
no one wants it.

* By private treaty:-
If it went to auction it would never reach the reserve
price.

* Owner eager to sell:-
If it goes within a week the subsidence cracks won't be
noticed.

* Subject to new instructions:-
They have just discovered death watch beetle.

* Sold:- Unless idiots like you offer a higher price.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: DMcG
Date: 11 Jul 11 - 10:25 AM

A genuine one in the local rag this week said "this is a 'spacious' property". Surely those quotations suggest the use of irony?

Years back we saw a property advertised as "next to a local landmark". It was next to a gasometer.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 12 Jul 11 - 05:14 AM

Friend 1: "Sorry, but I must confess it, I've slept for the last two years with your wife."

Friend 2: "Oh this bloody lying slut! She told me she had an intelligent and good looking lover!"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: autolycus
Date: 12 Jul 11 - 06:02 AM

"Are you hen-pecked?"

"Don't know. I'll have to ask the wife."



One I got off the telly last night.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Joe_F
Date: 12 Jul 11 - 09:40 PM

"How's the wife?"
"Ah, she's in bed with laryngitis."
"Damn those Greeks!"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: autolycus
Date: 13 Jul 11 - 04:20 AM

AS the couplare going to bed,

"Close the window darling, it's freezing outside."

"So if I close the window, it'll get warmer outside?"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Michael
Date: 13 Jul 11 - 09:35 AM

"How's the wife?"
"She's in bed with acute angina."
"I didn't ask your opinion of her nether regions."

Mike

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: autolycus
Date: 14 Jul 11 - 05:05 AM

Got this from great Irish comedian Hal Roach [so clearly a different H.R.].


I sat down in restaurant in Donegal. The meny said,"T-Bone 50 pence."

I said to the waiter, "That's pretty cheap", and he said, "It's £8 if you want meat on it."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 23 Jul 11 - 02:09 PM

The A-B-Cs of Growing Older

Age before Beauty is what we once said,
But now let's be a bit more realistic instead.

Now A's for arthritis;
B's the bad back,
C is the chest pains, perhaps car-d-iac?

D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas, which I'd rather not mention.

H is high blood pressure -- I'd rather it low;
I for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.

L for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!

P for prescriptions, I have quite a few, just
give me a pill and I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R for reflux, one meal turns to two.

S for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T is for tinnitus, with bells in my ears!
U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;
V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy," you know.

W is for worry (now what's going 'round?)
X is for X ray, and what might be found.
Y is another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest -- but just in my mind.
I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed,
And I've kept twenty-six 'doctors' fully employed.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 24 Jul 11 - 02:08 PM

Judge: "And why did you slay your husband with the frying pan?"
Defendant: "He didn't want to eat his mushrooms."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 26 Jul 11 - 08:47 AM

"Discharged"

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental
hospital. One day while they were walking past
the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly
jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to
the bottom and pulled him out. When the Director
of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act
she immediately ordered her to be discharged from
the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally
stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna,
I have good news and I have some bad news. The good news
is that you're being discharged, since you were able to
rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving
the life of the person you love... I have concluded that
your act displays sound-mindedness.

"The bad news, though, is that Ralph hanged himself in the
bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him.
I'm so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to
dry... How soon can I go home?"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 26 Jul 11 - 12:03 PM

"Divine Golf"

One sunny day Jesus, Moses and a small, elderly man
were playing golf.

Jesus was the first to tee off and he hit the ball a little
left and it ended up in the water hazard. Because it
was Jesus, his ball floated, and when he got down to
the hazard he walked upon the water and hit the ball
onto the green.

Moses was the next to tee off, and like Jesus he hit the
ball into the water hazard. When he got down to the
hazard, he parted the waters and hit the ball onto the
green.

The little old man was next, and he too hit into the
water hazard. Just then a big fish swallowed the
ball and began to swim away. A hawk swooped
down and grabbed the fish in its talons and started
to fly off. As the hawk passed over the green, it
tightened its grip on the fish which caused the ball
to pop out of the fish. The ball landed on the green
and rolled into cup.

Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with
your Dad!"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 04 Aug 11 - 08:21 AM

"Coffee Maker"

Cousin Elly is the world's worst at getting instructions
mixed up. When she got married her husband
bought her one of those fancy, electric coffee makers.
It had all the latest gadgets on it.

Salesman Riley carefully explained how everything
worked; how to plug it in, set the timer, go back to
bed, and upon rising, the coffee is ready."

A few weeks later Elly was back in the store and Riley
asked her how she liked the coffee maker.

"Wonderful!" she replied, "However, there's one thing
I don't understand. Why do I have to go to bed
every time I want to make a pot of coffee?"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 06 Aug 11 - 07:43 PM

"Disturbance"

One night, a lady stumbled into the police station with
a black eye. She told the sergeant she heard a noise in her back
yard and went to investigate. The next thing she knew,
she was hit in the eye and knocked out cold.

An officer was sent to her house to investigate, and he
returned a half hour later with a black eye as well.

"Did you get hit by the same person?" his captain asked.

"No sir," he replied. "I stepped on the same rake."


-------
"In Bad Shape"

A man to his doctor. He said he was in bad shape.
He reported that he constantly gasped for breath
and his eyes bulged. The doctors observed and tested
him, and found that he constantly gasped for breath
and his eyes bulged tremendously. They told him--
guess what--that he was in bad shape. They didn't give
him long to live. He decided to live it up.

Withdrawing all of his money from the bank, he went
on a shopping spree. His last stop was at the most
expensive haberdashery in the city. He pointed out
a dozen silk shirts. He wore a size fourteen.

The clerk said, "Your neck looks bigger than fourteen.
You need a sixteen."

The man said, "I know my size. I want the shirt collars
in a fourteen."

The clerk said, "I'll get them for you, but I want to warn
you...if you wear a fourteen you'll gasp all day and your
eyes will bulge."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 07 Aug 11 - 09:11 AM

This morning on the motorway,
I looked over to my right and there was a
Woman

In a brand new VW !!


Doing 75Mph

With her face up

next to her

Rear view mirror

Putting on her eyeliner!

I looked away

For a couple seconds

And when I looked back she was

Halfway over in my lane,

Still working on that makeup.

As a man,

I don't scare easily..

But she scared me so much

I dropped

My electric shaver,

Which knocked

The meat pie

Out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying

To straighten out the car

Using my knees against

The steering wheel,

It knocked

My Mobile phone

Away from my ear

Which fell

Into the coffee

Between my legs,

Which splashed,

And burned

"Big Jim and the Twins",

Ruined the phone,

Soaked my trousers,

And disconnected an

Important call.

BLOODY Women Drivers!!

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 07 Aug 11 - 01:04 PM

"No Penalties For Missing A Class"

The rules at a particular university were such that if the
professor were not present in the classroom by 15 minutes past
the hour, the class was considered a "walk" and the students
were free to leave -- with no penalties for missing a class.
The rooms were equipped with the type wall clocks which
"jumped" ahead each minute, in a very noticeable fashion.
As it were, these clocks were also not of the most
sophisticated construction. Some enterprising student
discovered that if one were to hit the clock with chalkboard
erasers, it would cause the clock to "jump" ahead one minute.

So, it became almost daily practice for these students to take
target practice at the clock. (As fortune would have it, this
particular professor was not the most punctual, and the students
considered him severely "absent-minded"). A few well aimed
erasers, and lo, 15 minutes were passed, and class dismissed itself.

Well, when the day for the next exam rolled around, the professor
strolled into the room, passed out the exams, and told them
"You have one hour to complete."

The professor then proceeded to collect the erasers from around
the room, gleefully took aim at the clock. When he had
successfully "jumped" the clock forward one hour, he closed
the class and collected the exam papers.

Life does teach some lessons the hard way.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 07 Aug 11 - 03:02 PM

Reminded by this last one of the professor in similar circumstances who, knowing he would be unavoidable detained for more then the 5 minutes students were expected to wait, placed his hat in advance on the lecturer's table. Nevertheless, after 5 minutes the students dispersed. The professor reprimanded them severely at the beginning of the next lecture, pointing out that his hat on the table was a symbol of his presence and they should accordingly have waited patiently for his arrival. He arrived at the lecture after that to find a lecture room empty ~ except for several rows of hats placed carefully on every desk.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Mrrzy
Date: 07 Aug 11 - 08:35 PM

Ah, and then there was the student who went to hand in his blue-book exam a day late, and finds an annoyed professor behind a stack of books to be graded who refuses to accept the late exam.

Do you know who I am? asks the student indignantly.

No!

Good! says the student, shoving the exam into the middle of the stack and walking out.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Joe_F
Date: 07 Aug 11 - 09:01 PM

As is well known, a professor who is 15 minutes late is a great rarity. Indeed, it may be said that he is in a class by himself.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: GUEST,999
Date: 08 Aug 11 - 03:25 PM

Guy said he got a old used car for his wife. His buddies answered, "Good trade!"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Andrez
Date: 10 Aug 11 - 07:13 AM

A husband buys his son an iPAD, daughter an iPOD, himself an iPHONE & his wife an iRON.

She wasn't impressed even after he explained it can be integrated with the iWASH, iCOOK & iCLEAN network.

This triggered the iNAG service, which totally wiped out the iSHAG function!!..

Cheers,

Andrez

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 17 Aug 11 - 11:15 PM

"The Lab Bunny"
{Hopefully, things have changed since then...}

A rabbit one day managed to break free from the
laboratory where he had been born and brought up.
As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound,
he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn
breaking for the first time in his life.

"Wow, this is great," he thought. It wasn't long before
he came to a hedge and after squeezing under it he
saw a wonderful sight - lots of other bunny rabbits, all
free and nibbling at the lush grass.

"Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and
I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"

"Yes. Come and join us," they cried. Our friend hopped
over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so
good. "What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked.

"Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's
got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them."

This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating
the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later,
he asked them again, "What else do you do?"

"You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We
eat that as well." The lettuce tasted just as good and he
returned a while later completely full.

"It's fantastic out here in the world!" he told them.

"So, are you going to live with us then?" one of them
asked.

"I'm sorry, I've had a great time but I can't." The wild rabbits
all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you
liked it here."

"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the lab.
I'm dying for a cigarette."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: GUEST,Guest from Sanity
Date: 18 Aug 11 - 01:33 PM

What is the difference between a shower curtain, and toilet paper???


Now that you can't figure it out.......


....You're not using MY bathroom!

GfS

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Joe_F
Date: 17 Aug 11 - 08:25 PM

An ogre chased & finally caught an Irishwoman. "Oh!" she cried, "Are you going to eat me whole?" "Nah," said the ogre, "I'll spit that part out."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 18 Aug 11 - 09:03 AM

"100 Camels"

As US tourists in Israel, a man and his wife were sitting
outside a Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow
tourists.

An Arab salesman approached them carrying belts.
After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he
asked where they were from.

"America," the husband replied. Looking at her dark
hair and olive skin, the Arab responded.

"She's not from the States."

"Yes I am." said the wife. He looked at her and asked,

"Is he your husband?"

"Yes." she replied.

Turning to the husband, he offered.... "I'll give you
100 camels for her."

The husband looked stunned, and there was a long
silence... Silence. Finally he replied, "She's not for sale."

After the salesman left, the somewhat indignant wife
asked her husband what took him so long to answer,
to which the husband replied, "I was trying to figure
out how to get 100 camels back home."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Joe_F
Date: 18 Aug 11 - 04:38 PM

I know an ever worse one than the one I posted yesterday. But instead:

In Russia, in the evil days of the Tsar, two brothers, Yosl & Moish, ran a tavern together. One evening, after closing time, they took their sleigh into town to buy a barrel of vodka. They took turns cautioning each other that this was strictly business & they must not dip into the stock. On the way home, however, the weather turned miserable, and Yosl discovered that he had a kopeck in his pocket, and had an idea. "Moish," he said, "Here is a kopeck. Sell me a shot out of *your* half of the barrel." "Well," says Moish, "Business is business. I can't turn down a paying customer." So now Yosl has a shot of vodka, and Moish has a kopeck. Obviously -- well, you get the idea. By the time the horses have found their way home, the brothers are in perfect agreement that business has never been better.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 21 Aug 11 - 11:47 AM

"Desert Bare Necessities"

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were in the
desert, when their car stalled. After a conference
about walking to civilization, they decided that
each of them could take one item from the car. The
redhead took a canteen of water, the brunette took
a bag containing a sandwich, and the blonde took
the car door.

As they were walking the redhead decided to
make conversation, so she asked the brunette,
"Why did you bring the food?"

And the brunette answered back, "In case I
get hungry, I will have something to eat."

And she asked back to the redhead,"Why
did you bring the water?"

The redhead replied, "In case I get thirsty,
I will have something to drink."

They both turned to the blonde and asked her
why she brought the door, and she said, "In case
it gets hot, I can roll down the window!"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 24 Aug 11 - 12:29 PM

"The Salary Theorem"

"Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and scientists
can never earn as much as business executives and sales
people."

This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical
equation based on the following two postulates:

1. Knowledge is Power.
2. Time is Money.

As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time

Since Knowledge = Power and Time = Money
then Knowledge = Work/Money.

Solving for Money, we get: Money = Work / Knowledge.

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches
infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.

Conclusion: The less you know, the more you make.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Mrrzy
Date: 24 Aug 11 - 09:28 PM

Q: What's Wiccan, flies around, and makes honey?
A: The Blessed Bee!

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 29 Aug 11 - 09:04 PM

"How to Dump a Man"

Dear ________,
I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated
from further contention as Mr. Right.

As you are probably aware, the competition was
exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified
candidates such as yourself also failed to make the
final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file
should an opening become available.

So that you may find better success in your future
romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the
following reason(s) you were disqualified from the
competition.

Check those that apply...

___Your last name is objectionable. I can't
imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting
my children to it.

___Your first name is objectionable. It's just not
something I can picture myself yelling out in a
fit of passion.

___The fact that our dining experiences to date has
left MY wallet a little lighter, and YOUR pants
a little tighter!

___Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms
by the truckload" indicates that you may be
interested in me for something other than my
personality.

___You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked
you 20 questions about yourself before you asked
me more than one about myself.

___Your constant e-mailing shows me you have TOO
much time on your hands!

___Your legs are skinnier than mine.

___You're too short. Any son that we produced would
inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess.

___You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck
condition from trying to kiss you.

___I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily
unappealing.

___The fact that your apartment has been condemned
reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is
unbreakable.

___The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often
in conversation.

___You still live with your parents.

___Although I did enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe
of Star Trek uniforms a little disconcerting.

___Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me
to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.

___Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait
that I am seeking in a long-term partner.

___Your height is out of proportion to your weight.
If you should however, happen to gain the necessary
17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.

___Somehow I doubt those condoms I found in your
overnight bag were really necessary for a successful
business trip.

___I am out of your league, set your sights lower next time.

Sincerely,
Cruella de Ville

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 30 Aug 11 - 09:33 AM

Old Guy at the Gym

An older guy was working out at the gym. He was not in very good shape, but he perked up when he spotted a sweet young thing across the room. She was gorgeous!

He finally caught the trainer's eye and motioned him over.

"Can I help you?" the buff expert asked.

"Yeah," the graying, paunchy, guy said, huffing even though he was only pushing 10 pounds. "That girl over there...."

The trainer takes a quick look. "Ah, Ramona. She's in great shape, eh?"

"Yeah," the guy says, puffing. "What machine in this place should I use to impress her?"

"There's only one machine that could possibly work, if you're up to it," the trainer said.

"What!?" the sweaty flab-master demanded.

"The ATM in the lobby."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 12 Sep 11 - 08:41 AM

"Caffeine Psalm"

Caffeine is my shepherd, I shall not doze,
It maketh me to wake in green pastures.
It leadeth me beyond the sleeping masses,
It restoreth my buzz.

It leadeth me in the paths of consciousness
       for its name's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the
       shadow of addiction,
I will fear no Equal.
For thou art with me; thy cream and thy sugar
       they comfort me.

Thou preparest a carafe before me in the presence
       of Juan Valdez,
Thou anointest my day with pep; my mug runneth
       over.
Surely richness and taste shall follow me all the
       days of my life,
And I will dwell in the House of Folger's forever.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: GUEST
Date: 13 Sep 11 - 05:06 AM

At a wine merchants, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position.

The director of the warehouse wondered how to send him away.

They gave him a glass to drink.

He tried it and said, "It's a Muscat , three Years old, grown on a north slope,matured in steel containers. Low grade but acceptable."

"That's correct", said the boss.

Another glass....

"It's a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees.

Requires three more years for finest results.."

"Correct."

A third glass...

''It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive'' calmly said the drunk.

The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary to suggest something

She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine.

The alcoholic tried it.

"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if you don't give me the job, I'll name the father."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Joe_F
Date: 13 Sep 11 - 08:52 PM

You know about the Cockney boy who looked like winning the spelling bee until he failed dreadfully on "auspice".

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 14 Sep 11 - 09:12 AM

"New Son In Law"

A very successful businessman had a meeting with
his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now
I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To
show you how much we care for you, I'm making
you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to
do is go to the factory every day and learn the
operations."

The son-in-law interrupted. "I hate factories. I can't
stand the noise."

"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well then you'll
work in the office and take charge of some of
the operations."

"I hate office work," said the son-in-law. "I can't
stand being stuck behind a desk all day."

"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just made
you a half-owner of a profitable corporation, but
you don't like factories and won't work in a office.
What am I going to do with you?"

"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out!!!"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2011
From: Mrrzy
Date: 14 Sep 11 - 12:25 PM

OK, how does a cockney pronounce Auspice?