BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed

Subject: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: ranger1
Date: 01 Dec 07 - 02:11 PM

My mother is trying to cut ties with a man that she lived with for three years who abused her. He held her captive in the home and beat her for two days, after he ripped the phones from the wall so that she could not call for help. She was, like many abuse victims, too emotionally battered to make good choices and leave, until my grandmother was diagnosed with breast cancer last June. She was able to physically leave, but the man has been stalking her via telephone and e-mail ever since. We had a temporary protection order issued from the State of Maine, but a permanent one cannot be issued until the Sheriff's Department in Snohomish County, Washington serves him with the paperwork. We have already gone to court in Maine and received a continuance until January 11th, but that won't do us any good unless the people in WA do their job.

We are currently in WA, attempting to retrieve Mum's personal possessions, things that cannot be easily replaced, such as her car, her personal documents and the cat. We have run into brick walls in every direction. The Sheriff's Dept. tried to tell us that the ME paperwork was no good. That is bullshit, as a protection order is good in all 50 states. The Sheriff's Dept. has had the paperwork from ME for a month and have spoken to the abuser on the telephone, but have not served him yet. In WA, the police do not have to serve someone, anyone over the age of 18 can do it, who is not the plaintiff. The abuser's probation officer said that he would, but only if the Sheriff's Dept. called him and asked him to do it. Mum faxed them that information at the same time that she faxed them the continuance paperwork. Also, they will not go out with us to the residence so that she may safely retrieve her belongings. She has to file an order that will cost her $250 in order for them to go out there with us and stay for 10 minutes. They told us that they had spoken with the abuser on the telephone and that all of her things were in the shed and she could go get them any time and that her was at work for 12 hours every day. He got fired last week, so there is no safe time to go. We told them this, and they repeated the phone conversation to us.

We took a huge chance and went out in a borrowed truck two days in a row, once with the friend who loaned us the truck and the second time by ourselves. Two 5'2" women by themselves. On the first day we discovered that barely anything was in the shed, but we took what was there. On day two, Mum went in and grabbed stuff, while I stood outside with a tire iron in my right hand and the cell phone in my left. We got what was there, but anything of any monetary value (including the oysterwood pot, Bill D), as well as her personal documents (passport, birth certificate, divorce papers, vehicle title, etc.) and the spare car keys were not in the residence.

We feel that we have exhausted our options and reported the car stolen this AM. The way we have been treated by the Sheriff's Dept makes me believe that we won't have a whole lot of luck there. I have never felt so angry or so frustrated in my life. I need a lot of warm fuzzies from my Mudcat family right now. Wish us luck.

Tami

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: Maryrrf
Date: 01 Dec 07 - 02:24 PM

Oh this is horrible. Thank heavens for your mom that she has you to support her during this crisis, and I am glad she finally was able to get herself out of the awful situation - well it sounds like she is not completely extricated yet, but she is at least physically removed from the abusive household. The actions (or rather lack of action) on the part of the Washington police department is disheartening - one would have thought that with increased public awareness of domestic abuse (it is or should be known to the police that a woman is in the greatest danger when she leaves an abusive relationship) the police would have offered more support.

Mudcat vibes coming your way...

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: katlaughing
Date: 01 Dec 07 - 02:27 PM

Tami, above all stay SAFE. Possessions don't mean anything without you and your mom. Are there any abuse hotlines there in WA which you can call for support and maybe to grease the wheels with the idiot sheriff's dept.?

I am giving thanks, right now, for the safest and perfect outworking of this situation for the highest good of all concerned. BIG Kudos to your mom for getting out of there when she did and to YOU for helping her.

{{{{{{{TAMI & MOM}}}}}}}}}}

luvyakat

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: Amos
Date: 01 Dec 07 - 02:27 PM

Jayze, Tami!! Bravely done so far. I would certainly not want to mix it up with you and a tire iron in your hand.

The one option that comes to mind is a suit for restitution, including emotional and physical abuse. It would be a strain to go through but it might bring about a legal claim the Sherriff would have to support.

A

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: Rasener
Date: 01 Dec 07 - 02:30 PM

Tami
I think you have got to decide if material things are more important than your mother. You need to get her safely away from it all, where that thug can't find her. Her life is more important.
My rhoughts are with you both and I hope the thug gets put away for a very long time.
Les

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: wysiwyg
Date: 01 Dec 07 - 02:36 PM

Looking forward to the day all this is no longer even a bad memory, but a memory of victory and peace.

And yes, your safety first-- and make sure you're well connected with local help.

~Susan

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: ranger1
Date: 01 Dec 07 - 02:40 PM

Thanks, everyone. We are physically in a safe situation and are not going back to the residence for anything else. The only thing we want now is the car. We are in negotiations with the Snohomish County SD to get the car. If that fails, we have retained a towing company that specializes in repossessions that will just go and get it for us. However, that takes time and right now we just want to leave this place behind.

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: Hawker
Date: 01 Dec 07 - 02:52 PM

Tami, I can do little except send you my love and kind thoughts and hope things get better for you all soon.
Stay safe, Love
Lucy

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: RangerSteve
Date: 01 Dec 07 - 02:56 PM

You are both in my prayers. I wish I could do more.

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: catspaw49
Date: 01 Dec 07 - 02:59 PM

What a mess......I feel for you and your Mom, but do stay safe. Sometimes I am amazed at what the law enforcement people will NOT do and the lame reasons why not. There seems to be a huge difference in departments, even adjoining districts.

Tell ya' what though.............Is the tow guy really a repo specialist? If so, I'd pay him and hope like hell the sleazy dude who has the car tries to stop him. A Repo Man with a legal document will pick up a car at all costs and woe be to the idiot that gets in the way. The guys in that business just love to fuck people up and have no problem putting them in the hospital. Hey.....the repo guys are just defending themselves, right? Damn straight right!!! Its the next best thing to hiring a hit man.

Good Luck, Stay Safe, and I'll be holding good thoughts for you.

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: Alice
Date: 01 Dec 07 - 02:59 PM

Good luck to you.
Leaving is the most dangerous time, and that is why many stay longer than they know they should.

I was about to post that you should go to the local news reporters on tv, radio and newspaper to put the screws on the legal system to do the right thing, but in your last post it looks like you will get the vehicle by reposession, so you won't have to drag it all out in public.

If you will never be back to that town again, I would report the story to the news so the next time someone has to leave a batterer, law enforcement will hopefully take it more seriously.

Alice

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: Slag
Date: 01 Dec 07 - 03:14 PM

Tami. (a very long pause) Many thoughts but most important is the safety of you and your mom. God bless you both. Things like this really rile me up and I would hate to tell you what initially goes through my mind. But that is the Old Man. While I pray for you and your mom, I will also be praying for your mom's vis' your abuser also. It is really awesome what God can do. Do what you can. Be smart. Be safe.

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Dec 07 - 03:18 PM

Ya know, I do believe that stealing a passport is a Federal crime...have you notified the FBI? That would trump the local yokels.

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: wysiwyg
Date: 01 Dec 07 - 03:31 PM

There's safe, and then there's safer. Keep aiming for safer. Example, ask Mr. Repo to drop the car farther away on your departure path. But not to your actual destination, as Mr. Repo may be tracked by Mr. Abuser. Ask Repo Man to drop it at the cop shop and pick it up there with cop escort.

There is no level of care that is unreasonable under these circumstances. I do not mean that you are not being as smart as you can-- just, please consider being even safer.

~Susan

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: ranger1
Date: 01 Dec 07 - 03:36 PM

Susan, the police will not help us. Otherwise, this would have been all taken care of days ago. They are the ones telling us to go get it by ourselves.

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: AllisonA(Animaterra)
Date: 01 Dec 07 - 03:39 PM

Tami, my thoughts and prayers are with you and your mother. Add my voice to the wishes for your safety. We need you back here, and your mother too, safe and sound!

Allison

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: Leadfingers
Date: 01 Dec 07 - 03:58 PM

Passing ALL the information to the local press in Wa definately sounds like a good idea to me - How in ANYBODY's book can stealing someones personal documents NOT be acted on by the police !! AS many vibes as i can manage from West London !!

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: wysiwyg
Date: 01 Dec 07 - 05:11 PM

Tami, I understand. The cop shop is still a safe location for people to meet you though. It is after all a public place.

~Susan

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: GUEST,Concerned Woman
Date: 01 Dec 07 - 05:17 PM

In case you do not already have them here are some numbers to call who WILL make sure the Sheriff Dept do their job.
CARE Crisis Line: 800-584-3578 or 425-258-4357
Eastside Domestic Violence Program: 1-800-827-8840
National Domestic Violence Hotline: [phone]-SAFE (1-800-799-7233)
Providence Sexual Assault Center: 425-252-4800
Snohomish County Center for Battered Women: 425-25-ABUSE (425-252-2873)
Washington State Domestic Violence Hotline: [phone]

Also calling in the State Troopers may get you a more responsible path from Law enforcement Officers.
If a Passport and a Social Security Card are among the personal items missing, please report this to the State Police who will then contact the FBI.
As there is an order (App.in 50 states) against this Bastard, legally issued in Maine, your Mother should be given protection by an Officer when collecting HER belongings at the abuser's home no matter what State that residence is in.
I suggest you try ALL these routes Tami.
Safety first and above all remember that this is only one man who is a weak SOB and the Law is on your Mother's side.
With you both in spirit.

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: Bill D
Date: 01 Dec 07 - 05:21 PM

Oh, my...when I spoke to you at the Getaway, I hoped, as you did, that all this would be easier. Have you spoken to Legal Aid in the state? Someone there might be able to advise you on the nuances of WA law in there matters better than the local Gestapo ...ummm..'police farce'....'scuse me...force.

And I still have 'some' Oysterwood...*smile*...we can work something out.

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: ranger1
Date: 01 Dec 07 - 05:38 PM

We have been in contact with Snohomish County Center for Battered Women and with the legal aid folks they put us in touch with. They are just as stymied at this point as we are. Our documents are good, Snohomish County Sheriff's Dept. just doesn't seem to want to do anything. I do like the idea of trying the State Police and Mum does need to report the passport stolen. Hmm...

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: Jean(eanjay)
Date: 01 Dec 07 - 05:52 PM

Tami, you're the one who told me how to scroll etc. That doesn't seem appropriate in this thread so I'll just send good thoughts and good wishes from Yorkshire. Take care.

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: Severn
Date: 01 Dec 07 - 06:16 PM

All the best thoughts and wishes from this quarter.

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: Sorcha
Date: 01 Dec 07 - 07:00 PM

Tami, I am appalled at this! As you may know, my Mr is a cop...Asst Chief in our town. Yes, call the FBI and the State Troopers. What you are requesting is called a Civil Standby and they HAVE to do it. Part of their job. Don't know if the State Troopers will do it for you. How about an off duty cop?

The street in front of the cop shop is a great place to have the car dropped. There are usually surveillance cameras there.

It IS true that some departments, often but not always, Sheriffs Dept. don't seem to want to do their job. The Sheriff in most places is an elected office so the person who 'wins' may not have any law enforcement experience at all.

My next question is, Just who is the Ex/Abuser etc. buddy buddy with on the department? Sounds like somebody is his buddy.

Me, I'd go ahead and get me a reporter and camera crew to follow me around. As in all cases of mugging, scream as loud as you can whereever you can.

Did you get the cat? That is the only thing that isn't replaceable. Yes, it will be a pain to replace the birth cert, divorce papers, etc, but it CAN be done.

Good luck, and my thoughts are with you. If a phone call from one cop to another would do any good, let me know. He already has a few contacts in WA state.

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: Janie
Date: 01 Dec 07 - 07:03 PM

Hugs and prayers from here, too, Tami. What everyone else has said about being safe.

I went poking around the County website. Looks like all DV services are consigned to their Dept. of Social/Human Services, with no direct tie-in to the legal system or law enforcement.   From what you have said, I'm guessing your mum finally just got the hell out of Dodge last summer, and did not bring domestic assault charges against the guy in Snohomish Co., so neither the Prosecuting Attorney's office or the District Court have any prior involvement. I also notice that the Victim's Assistance unit with the Prosecuting Attorney's office seems to be dedicated only to victims of serious felonies, and neither the Prosecuting Attorney's office nor the Sheriff's Dept. appears to have a family violence coordinator or liason. The County is clearly well behind the curve regarding DV services. Don't know if that is because of lack of resources or prevailing attitudes.

As you have already found, it does mean there are few, if any, pressure or leverage points within their system that can be used to coerce help from the Sheriff's dept.    It still might be worth calling the PA's office or the District Court to try to get those papers served so the protection order can be maintained, but don't hold your breath.

If he is still stalking your Mom via e-mail and telephone, she needs to lose both the phone number and the e-mail account.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: Sorcha
Date: 01 Dec 07 - 07:14 PM

Yea, the Department has a web page....Snohomish Sheriff. Below copied from the site:

"Pride in Service to Our Community"
R. R. "Rick" Bart, Sheriff

We are a full service Sheriff's Office comprised of 341 of the best peace officers and support staff within the State of Washington. Our pride shows in everything we do.

I beg to differ, Sheriff Rick. Maybe we should all contact him? Nah, prob not a good idea, huh? I'm still thinking.

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: ranger1
Date: 01 Dec 07 - 07:22 PM

Sorcha, once we get the car, I'm all for it. "Service"? What service? And a friend of a friend of a friend is a cop in an adjoining PD and says that Snohomish County are a$$holes to deal with.

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: Sorcha
Date: 01 Dec 07 - 07:24 PM

But did you get the CAT?????

Gotta be something you can do that will really HURT them...some kind of publicity might be a good bet, but the sheriff's department always follows the Sheriffs lead....it's a real political office in the US.

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: GUEST,Dani
Date: 01 Dec 07 - 07:29 PM

Thinking of you, Tami.

Best of luck to you and your mom. Stay strong, and smart. Reaching way out wherever you can is the smartest thing you can do.

Dani

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: Bobert
Date: 01 Dec 07 - 07:39 PM

I'm with Sapwzer on this one but would take it a step further... I'd bet the "Repo Guy" has a buddy who would love to accompany you two 5'2" lasies for any futrure dealings with Mr. Creepo... Yeah, you might shell out a hundred bucks but you can take it to the bank that what ever4 you are after, you ***will*** get...

Plus, this will send an unmistaken message to Mr. Creepo that the rules of the game have significantly changed...

Fight fire with a bigger fire...

B~

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: wysiwyg
Date: 01 Dec 07 - 11:14 PM

I would definitely NOT use the press on the documents issue-- it will inflame someone who is already dangerous. To protect herself legally in the case of identity theft and/or liabilities, your mother should run a small-type legal notice in the classifieds ("Not responsible for debts" sort of ad) as well as a notice that doc's have been reported stolen to the police. Yes, I know, the cops are not helping to recover them, but I think they do have to at least take the report. The date of the reporting of it may later become an issue-- a potential loose end to be sure is covered. (Be sure to get a copy of the report or the report number and badge number of cop who takes the report, to help in getting docs replaced.)

I also would not take large, scary-looking men along on any potential run-ins. Large men in clergy garb are a safer, less-inflaming alternative. It is not, not, not a good idea to exacerbate feelings during thie "leaving" time, and it's not just your mom who may sufffer retaliation, unfortunately, but also anyone perceived as helping your mother to get away. If he perceives that she is gaining in power, in any way, that will give him all the excuse he needs to keep trying to excert control.

And screw the cat. Sorry, Sorch, but people come first. [insert several million ! marks] Report cat abuse to the local SPCA and let them handle that end of it after you and your mom have left the area. (Report the cat stolen or lost as well.)

And yes, I have experience in this area.

~Susan

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: Slag
Date: 02 Dec 07 - 02:39 AM

As always, the best defense is a good offense. Enlist all the aid you can. After you get settled and have a platform from which you can operate, tell everybody! Involve the media. Share your story. Talk up the orgs that have helped you and shine a spot on the slackers like the county mounty that would not help.

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 02 Dec 07 - 02:55 AM

Have swapped S*^& reducing candle for the biggest F&^*%^ H*^% candle I can find!

Take all advice on board, act sensibly, but above all, keep yourself and your mom safe.

Wys - I'd argue about the cat. When a person has been through this sort of abuse, a pet is often the only creature that they feel safe with. If Ranger's mom is anything like me, she will have confided in that cat and relied on it for so much more than simple companionship. To see the animal in the hands of the abuser is like seeing your personal diary in the hands of the town gossip. It's not logical, the cat can't talk, but it really does feel like a betrayal of trust.

Experience counts for a lot, but unless you've been on all sides, you can't see the whole picture.

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: autolycus
Date: 02 Dec 07 - 04:21 AM

Wishing you well.

Do what you CAN, where you are, with what you've got. ESPECIALLY where others are hindering. That's when you most need to do what you can.

Take care. Warm, soft hugs to all of you.


   Ivor

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: maeve
Date: 02 Dec 07 - 05:21 AM

Tami- Do you need cash?

Love,

maeve

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: skarpi
Date: 02 Dec 07 - 05:47 AM

Dear Tami , thougts and hug s to you and your mom.
All the best Skarpi Iceland
P.s it takes some time to reach you ........heee long way over the ocean

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: Micca
Date: 02 Dec 07 - 06:10 AM

Tami and Mom, you are both in my thoughts, as you well know. micca

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: jacqui.c
Date: 02 Dec 07 - 07:20 AM

If this guy is going to do something I would feel happier that Tami and her mother had a couple of big guys along for protection since the police don't want to be bothered. Extra bodies will give him the message that he can no longer marginalise his former victim and, in common with a lot of DV bullies, he's likely to back off and leave them alone.

Contacting the papers would be done to make the police feel uncomfortable, not the offender in this case. There is certainly a need to raise a stink in that department right now.

Tami tells me that the cat has gone feral and seems to be OK. Otherwise I would agree with LTS - Diana would not have felt happy leaving probably what was her only friend with the abuser.

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: autolycus
Date: 02 Dec 07 - 07:24 AM

Yes. That'sa why i say do what you can, rather than what you might not or can't.

Ivor

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: Bee
Date: 02 Dec 07 - 08:16 AM

I'm sorry your Mom is having such a bad time. It's such an old and familiar story. I'm shocked that the local police are so unhelpful though. Police pretty much everywhere (in Canada at least) have learned to take DV very, very seriously, and most have training in dealing with situations where victims are in danger. Some things they can't do much about (such as retrieving the cat), but if there is a court order for someone to retrieve their belongings, they will have assistance in retrieving them safely.

Even with police on your side, some dtermined abusers will manage to do further harm, so please be very careful.

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 02 Dec 07 - 08:23 AM

Tami, I've been amazed & horrified & inspired reading this thread. Good on your mother for getting away, and you for everything you've done in spite of lack of official help. And as always, it's fantastic to see Mudcatters gather & offer support & practical advice.

don't let the bastards win. Hugs to you both.

sandra

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 02 Dec 07 - 09:52 AM

Could a former neighbour be persuaded to keep an eye out for the cat and maybe try to nab it with a view to reuniting the two?

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: katlaughing
Date: 02 Dec 07 - 10:05 AM

That might bring the abuser's wrath down on the neighbour, Liz. I feel the same way as you about the cat, but I don't think that'd be a good solution.

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: wysiwyg
Date: 02 Dec 07 - 10:29 AM

LtS, I DO have experience from ALL sides of this situation (except being the abuser).

Re: big guys, I said bring them but not in the scary-looking mode-- read my post again.

My remarks about the cat are not aimed at "making Diana happy" but at "keeping Diana ALIVE." Once she is really safe, of course the cat issue can be approached, which is why I pointed out that the SPCA can help in recovery IF she documents that the cat has been stolen or lost AND that she is the actual owner (vet records, etc) so that if the SPCA tries to recover the cat THEY don't get the same cop runaround Tami is getting, or lose a court case if the abuser feels like fighting over the issue as a way of getting at Diana.


I've also been the one whose pets and belongings were abused/destroyed by the abuser. (In my case it was not the spouse but another person in the household, who no longer lives here.) I do not give my advice lightly: One cat was kicked down stairwells so often that eventually his broken pelvis could not heal right. His lack of normal mobility eventually left hiom dead on the road, one bright sunny fall morning. He'd been my only comfort, and there was his bright, gold-orange long hair, riffling in the breeze, when I drove to work. I'm sure you can all tell me what I SHOULD have done about all that, now-- in the time period when that all happened, Mudcat was a source of pain for me, not a source for support.


When I say leave the cat for later, THAT is the memory that comes up, and still I say, PEOPLE FIRST.

~Susan

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: maeve
Date: 02 Dec 07 - 11:04 AM

Any updates from Tami & Co.?

maeve

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: Janie
Date: 02 Dec 07 - 11:15 AM

I'm with Susan on this one, except I I don't know that I would consider it safe to go out there with anyone EXCEPT armed law enforcement officers.

From what Tami has described, this guy is beyond your garden variety abuser with a bad temper and poor impluse control when he gets drunked up. (and I am not in any way making light of any situation involving domestic abuse.)   He is clearly capable of both implusive and premeditated violence.   

Ripping out phone lines and beating a captive woman for two days indicates a problem that goes well beyond impulse control. And on top of that, he has continued to stalk her via telephone and internet for 6 months now, across several thousand miles.    These are huge red flags that ramp-up the lethality potential by a couple of orders of magnitude.

Just since Friday there have been accounts in the national news of two adult sisters murdered by their father for protecting their mother from more abuse, and a mother and daughter killed by the daughter's estranged boyfriend. In the last month, in regional news, there have several accounts of murders and attempted murders of women and/or children where the perpetrator was the estranged spouse or boyfriend.   The danger here is very, very real.

It is not that the cat doesn't matter. But is the cat worth dying for?

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: Alice
Date: 02 Dec 07 - 11:33 AM

Can you take this to authority higher up? County Commission, Congressman, let them know you are not getting law enforceement protection?

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: maeve
Date: 02 Dec 07 - 12:21 PM

Checking in again in hopes of more information...

maeve

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: jacqui.c
Date: 02 Dec 07 - 12:23 PM

I talked to Tami last night - they are hoping to go with the repo guys today to retrieve the car. They have accepted, to a degree, that a lot of Diana's belongings, especially the valuable stuff, will not be recovered now and just really want to get back on the road and head for home ASAP.

The cat has gone feral and seems, from what they could see, to be fine. They are not making any further attempt to take it with them.

Tha main problem here is that they headed west with an assurance that the paperwork that had been sent from Maine would give them the protection of the local law enforcement agency but found a sheriff's department that seems to be going out of its way to be unhelpful. To get the paperwork these people want would take more time than Tami and her mother want to spend over there and I know that, once they leave there, they will not want to go back so right now it's all about recovering as much as possible and the car is an essential that they must have to drive back.

It's fine for all of us to sit here and say walk away, even if you can't get your stuff, but more difficult for the woman in that situation, having to start all over again from scratch. That course of action only empowers the abuser, who would perceive it as a victory for him. It is also likely to make the victim feel that they are still in that position and cause even more of a loss of self esteem. Right now I know that horror stories about individual experiences are doing more harm than good and were not what this thread was meant for. These ladies, right now, need practical advice and support from us.

The real shitheads here are the local law. I do wonder if the abuser has ties with anyone there - they certainly seem to be favouring his corner to an unnatural degree. Unfortunately no other law enforcement department will tread on their toes and so Tami and her mother have been left with recourse to any legal protection. That is just not right. As previously stated, getting that legal protection will take more time, and possibly more cash, than they can afford right now - they have enough to do with a cross country drive possibly with worsening weather on the way. They cannot stay in WA indefinitely either. Hence getting the repo guys to recover the car.

I'll update when I next hear from Tami.

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: katlaughing
Date: 02 Dec 07 - 12:36 PM

Right now I know that horror stories about individual experiences are doing more harm than good and were not what this thread was meant for. These ladies, right now, need practical advice and support from us.

I completely agree with you. Please give Tami my love when you speak to her next. Thank you, jacqui.

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: Janie
Date: 02 Dec 07 - 12:38 PM

Sorry, Jacqui, Tami, and Mom. Will stick with sending good thoughts.

Janie

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: wysiwyg
Date: 02 Dec 07 - 12:49 PM

Yes, I also got old stuff hooked by this topic. Sorry-- wish I'd just PMed my "credentials" in response to the post that mischaracterized them.

~Susan

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: SINSULL
Date: 02 Dec 07 - 01:04 PM

Come home Tami. With or without the car. And spend all your emotional energies getting yourself and your mother safe and healthy. I will PM you with more. Meantime click your heels together and say three times "There's no place like home. There's no place like home. There's no place like home."
Then leave the storm and its damage behind and move on.
Love you,
Mary

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: skipy
Date: 02 Dec 07 - 01:14 PM

{{{{{{{TAMI & MOM}}}}}}}}}}

Skipy

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: Amos
Date: 02 Dec 07 - 01:42 PM

Hey, ya done great, Tami, and your Mom, too.

One whiff of entanglement and I would cut the anchor hawser and take the first tide out of there.

And consider it a job well done, and, as Mary says, head for home with your energies intact and the future clear ahead.

Lotsa the best stuff to both of you,


A

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: Jeri
Date: 02 Dec 07 - 02:18 PM

Tami isn't stupid and I don't think the little nut fell far from the tree, so her mom isn't either. You know what the right thing is, and I believe you'll fight while it's appropriate and walk away when that's the right thing.

Let us know if we can help.

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: ranger1
Date: 02 Dec 07 - 02:32 PM

I love you all. We had no joy this AM, the repo guys wouldn't go out in the two inches of snow that fell overnight. Wimps. Scum-sucking Maggot, when asked point-blank for the keys by the male family friend that went with us, claimed he couldn't find them and two minutes later took off in the car, but only after staving up the side of the vehicle and crashing through a neighbor's fence. SCSD was called and we reported the car stolen and that the driver was in danger of hurting himself and others (he may have driven at least one car off the road that we know of). The man who talked with my mother told her that they would not be coming, mom had left the vehicle with this man back in June and that they had no record of the Protection Order. We gave up and came back to the house we're staying in. Will call our contact with the Battered Women Coalition in the AM, but at this point not sure what our next move is.

Jeri, did you call me a nut? Is this where I respond "takes one to know one"?

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: kendall
Date: 02 Dec 07 - 02:37 PM

There is one thing I know for a fact: All abusers are cowards.

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: ranger1
Date: 02 Dec 07 - 02:44 PM

Yes, Scum-sucking Maggot is a coward. However, he is also crazy. We are being very careful.

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: Peace
Date: 02 Dec 07 - 02:50 PM

Tami, if you still have ownership of the car, sell it to a friend for $10. Let your friend report it stolen.

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: Janie
Date: 02 Dec 07 - 02:57 PM

Tami,

Check your pm's.

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: wysiwyg
Date: 02 Dec 07 - 03:13 PM

Tami,

His behavior looks to me like escalation. Get out now, any which way you can. Accept any safe help offered, and book for out of state ASAP.

If you need a church-type contact let me know where you are and I will set it up from here-- place to stay, bus bucks, etc. can usually be gotten easily.

~Susan

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: wysiwyg
Date: 02 Dec 07 - 03:32 PM

PS, since clergy life is calling me and I'll be offline for quite a bit now, I've given Janie our contact info to call in clergy resources if these could be helpful. With her credentials she'll know how to use that if asked.

Tami, you'll all be in our prayers. Including the abuser-- that he have peace and restraint.

~Susan

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: Bat Goddess
Date: 02 Dec 07 - 03:32 PM

Good thoughts coming at you from here, too, Tami. When you and your mother are safely back, we can compare notes. At least my ordeal and legal hassles with my first husband all took place in Maine, and not on opposite sides of the country. (Oh, but let me tell you about dealing with the assistant DA of York County...)

Been there, done that, got the experience for my resume...they say it builds character. (I dunno. I thought I was enough of a character.)

I survived and life got a LOT better.

Stay safe!

See you soon,
Linn

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: ranger1
Date: 02 Dec 07 - 04:32 PM

We are done. We have a couple of loose ends to tie up tomorrow, then we look for a flight home. Thanks for all the advice, help and good thoughts. Mudcatters are the best, but we already knew that.

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: SINSULL
Date: 02 Dec 07 - 04:42 PM

We'll be waiting for you with bells on. Literally - I have a few dozen left from the pink party and found some more in the Christmas crap.
There is a storm moving in tonight so keep that in mind.
Auntie SINS

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: Azizi
Date: 02 Dec 07 - 05:12 PM

Tami, I join with others in sending you and your mother postive vibrations.

When you get back home, and if you and your mother are emotionally up to it, you both [or one of you] might want to talk to someone in the media where you live or the media in Maine about your experiences with the police.

What a terrible experience, made much worse by the lack of support from the police!

I'm very glad you and your mother are safe.

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: Amos
Date: 02 Dec 07 - 05:32 PM

Woman in Main finds bells in Christmas crap.

DOesn't remember how they got there.

Film at eleven.

Safe travels home, Tami.


A

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: mg
Date: 02 Dec 07 - 05:35 PM

I was going to say I have a room that is empty but I live way down in SW Washington. Let me know if you need it but it sounds like you are OK. I also have a friend with an empty and probably not lovely trailer that her 20 something son left in south Seattle and you could get to the airport from there if you had to by city bus...I am in the phone book for Long beach Washington.but I am at work now..there is a terrible storm here right now though..very high winds and rains and maybe flooding etc.

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: mg
Date: 02 Dec 07 - 05:36 PM

p.s. Two inches of snow freaks us out here. We don't do snow. And it turns right away to ice. mg

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 02 Dec 07 - 05:58 PM

All abusers are cowards. Unfortunately that's not quite true. It'd make life much easier if it was.

In a moral sense, maybe, but not when it comes to physical violence. The abuse is cowardly, true enough, but that's quite another matter.

Safety is a lot more of a priority than trying to get justice in this kind of situation. But when it's calmed down if there's any way you can take the police authorities who have failed so shockingly to dfo their duty to the cleaners, that might be the most important thing to do - if anything they sound like the major abusers in this case.

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: Rapparee
Date: 02 Dec 07 - 06:26 PM

After your get back, BE SURE TO REPORT THE PASSPORT STOLEN!!! And give your suspicions of who did it, too.

They're a hot item on the black market.

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: mg
Date: 02 Dec 07 - 06:39 PM

I think in future threads like this it would help to give the general geographic location. There are a couple of people who live near the situation who might not read this thread unless Snohomish County Washington or Myrtle Creak, North Carolina or wherever caught their eye. mg

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: GUEST,dianavan
Date: 02 Dec 07 - 07:01 PM

Glad to hear you are on your way home.

Cut your loses and run. The more you attempt to regain what you have lost, the more 'in control' he feels. Give the cad absolutely no power in your lives. Deal with him only through officials and whatever you do, do not let him know where you are.

Most importantly, get mom into counselling. The worst part of a situation like this is that it damages your trust in others. It will take awhile before mom feels safe enough to trust anyone.

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: Sorcha
Date: 02 Dec 07 - 07:24 PM

Good luck and stay safe, ladies.

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: TRUBRIT
Date: 02 Dec 07 - 10:24 PM

Tami -- I have been busy for a couple 9f days --- Jacqui stopped by today (t o see the menagerie) and told me what is going on..............STAY SAFE, STAY WELL, COME HOME ....if you need help finding your mum a place to live contact me --- I can get the word out.....

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: KT
Date: 03 Dec 07 - 04:01 AM

Tami, I've been out of town and just learned about your situation. Holding you and your mom in my heart ....asking for your safety and continued good progress through this ordeal. Strength, courage, confidence to you both, and safe journey home. Keep us posted.
Love, KT

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: SINSULL
Date: 03 Dec 07 - 08:31 AM

Tami called. They will be flying in on Saturday. She is very thankful for all the support. Diane will be living with Tami's grandmother - she is all sorted out. Tami is looking forward to being in her own bed and with Jason and Bandit, probably in that order.
This is a pretty amazing community. Tami's Mom is overwhelmed by the kindness and support you have all shown.

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: maeve
Date: 03 Dec 07 - 08:52 AM

Thanks for the update, Sinsull. Now, is there any chance at all that the creep might know to look here? Is there even a remote chance he could find where Tami & Mom are staying until Saturday?

Tami, you don't need to answer here, I'm just looking for any loose ends regarding safety. You've done well. We want you both home, safe, and singing!

Love,

maeve

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: jacqui.c
Date: 03 Dec 07 - 09:01 AM

Maeve - I don't think so - Diana wasn't a 'Catter and I don't think that he really knew anything about Tami.

He hasn't made any effort to find them so far and he would have been aware that they were local - I guess that he had just enough smarts to know that if he went after them it would be difficult even for these excuses for law officers not to do something.

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: maeve
Date: 03 Dec 07 - 09:07 AM

Thanks, Jacqui. That's sorted, then!

Love,

maeve

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: SINSULL
Date: 03 Dec 07 - 09:26 AM

They are safe and he does not know where they are. The car still has to be sorted out with the insurance company since the police insist it is not stolen - SIGH! Now that he has damaged it and refuses to give it back, the insurance company and bank will have something to say. None of it has to involve Tami and Diane directly.

A car is a small price to pay for safety. It doesn't matter that it is not fair or downright illegal for him to get away with his BS. And we all know that in the great scheme of things he is probably already paying dearly for his crimes.

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: katlaughing
Date: 03 Dec 07 - 10:40 AM

That's good to hear, Sins. Thanks for the update and please thank Tami,too, for keeping you and jacqui up to date, so'se you can pass it on.

Continued thanks givings from Colorado for the perfect outworking.

luvyakat

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: AllisonA(Animaterra)
Date: 03 Dec 07 - 10:44 AM

Keeping fingers crossed until Saturday. And loving thoughts and prayers as well.
Come home safely, my dear.

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: JennyO
Date: 03 Dec 07 - 11:19 AM

Just caught up with this thread. My heart goes out to you all, having been through something similar a long time ago. I really hope the worst of it is over now. Can't do much from here except send warm protective energy from Oz. I'll keep thinking of you and doing it every day.

Once again, Mudcatters have shown what a great community this is. I've been supported in a similar way when I had nasty flatmate problems a few years back. It was a huge morale booster for me, and I know it will be for Tami and her mum. You are a brave lady, mum! Good on you!

Jenny

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: Tinker
Date: 03 Dec 07 - 12:10 PM

(((Hugs lady)))

I'll write more later, but the candles are lit and energy following. Be well, be safe, be kind (to each other), be strong ...

I'll PM later today

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: maeve
Date: 03 Dec 07 - 12:38 PM

Thanks again, Sinsull.

My concern regarding this thread in particular is that a person or his friends could easily find this thread, given a modicum of computer literacy, determination and/or patience, and enough bits of information put into a search. I'm still a bit wary of that combination in this case.

maeve

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: jacqui.c
Date: 03 Dec 07 - 12:41 PM

From what Tami knows this guy is a crystal meth addict and those are the circles he runs in. Hopefully surfing the net will not be high on their priority list.

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: DebC
Date: 03 Dec 07 - 01:04 PM

Big Hugs out to Tami and her Mum.

Thinking of you,
Deb Cowan

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: maeve
Date: 03 Dec 07 - 01:04 PM

I certainly hope you're all correct that it's a faint to nonexistant possibility. Even meth users & companions occasionally have a glimmer of awareness, and I'm still not happy.

It took me less than thirty seconds on dial-up to get our little thread to rise to the top of the search results by simply typing 2 first names, one county name, and the word "abuse".

I rest my case, yur onners. May it all go well.

maeve

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: GUEST,dianavan
Date: 03 Dec 07 - 01:20 PM

"I guess that he had just enough smarts to know that if he went after them it would be difficult even for these excuses for law officers not to do something." - Jacqui C

Unfortunately, the abuser is not a rational human being. The law or the actions of the police probably have no effect on his behaviour. When enraged, he can't think that far ahead.

Quite often we try to apply rational or logical thought when dealing with abusers. This is dangerous because you cannot make sense of the actions of the insane.

Be very careful.

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: maeve
Date: 03 Dec 07 - 01:24 PM

What dianavan said...

maeve

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: Maryrrf
Date: 03 Dec 07 - 01:39 PM

Although things didn't work out as well as could have been hoped (i.e. recovery of the car, documents, valuables, etc.) the positive aspect is that your mom got out of the relationship and will be putting a considerable distance between herself and the abuser. This is the most important thing - now she can begin healing and getting back on her feet. She is very, very fortunate to have a daughter like you that is helping her!

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: ClaireBear
Date: 03 Dec 07 - 01:40 PM

I've been away, too, and only just read this.

I'm aghast to hear this story of the uncooperative sheriff's department...it makes me so angry!... Do know this, though, Tami: Although it's damnably unfair that your mother is getting no help from the locals, it's a wonderful blessing that she's got you! You are amazing.

Will be keeping both of you in my prayers. Get home safely.

(((((Tami & her mother)))))

Claire

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: SINSULL
Date: 03 Dec 07 - 02:00 PM

In Maine, there is an Order of Protection in effect, concerned law enforcement and a few very angry locals. Whatever happens will be dealt with quickly and effectively.
There are numerous "safe houses" available nationwide in the unlikely event that they are needed.
Thank you all for your concern but once again I am going to request that you keep this thread positive. Tami and Diane have been through a lot and reminding them of the possibilities just doesn't help.
Believe me, no one here is ignoring worse case scenarios.
We have all been through similar situations and know.
Mary

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: wysiwyg
Date: 03 Dec 07 - 04:47 PM

Believe me, no one here is ignoring worse case scenarios.

She's spot on; I checked a few key items with Sins offthread and I can confirm that the "local folks" are as "on it" as anyone possibly could be. Any advice that was needed (if any) has been given and received.

Let's all just let those folks get on with their roles.

Now it's a matter of holding the good thought while stuff happens. We don't really need to know what it is or anything else, except that our encouragement and good thoughts are helpful.

Go team! Go Tami! Go Diane!

~Susan

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: stallion
Date: 03 Dec 07 - 05:38 PM

So sorry to read what you have been through and going through, hugs from the "boys", I would have gone with you had I been there, I know I am not exactly in my prime but I used to be "handy" as they say.

hugs
Pete

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: SINSULL
Date: 03 Dec 07 - 06:28 PM

What a picture - Tami with a tire iron and Peter with a belaying pin while Joann stands by and scares the carp out of him with a baleful stare.

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: ranger1
Date: 03 Dec 07 - 06:53 PM

Hmm...Would that be like carping his britches? Interesting mental picture!

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: ranger1
Date: 03 Dec 07 - 06:53 PM

Oh, and 100!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: SINSULL
Date: 03 Dec 07 - 06:58 PM

Tami,
If anyone but you had done that I would have had a holy shit fit.
101

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: ranger1
Date: 03 Dec 07 - 07:04 PM

Checklist
Tire iron: check
Charged cell phone: check
Sense of Humor, intact: check

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: skipy
Date: 03 Dec 07 - 08:04 PM

Ranger 1, well done for the 100! Sence of humour still in place, that's a really good sign!
More hugs to you both!
Skipy

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: Leadfingers
Date: 03 Dec 07 - 08:17 PM

There are some threads that even the dread Lead wouldnt be too light hearted about ! STILL sending Vibes !!

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: maeve
Date: 04 Dec 07 - 08:18 AM

Good morning, Wonder Women Tami and Diane! I'll keep you in mind all day as we dig out from the snow. I look forward to seeing you back home soon.

maeve

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: jacqui.c
Date: 04 Dec 07 - 04:07 PM

Lots of good thoughts still coming Tami. We'll be glad when you're safely back home though.

Seamus sends a tail wag.

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: Bill D
Date: 04 Dec 07 - 05:39 PM

Did you get out before the rain & flooding, Tami?

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: Bill D
Date: 04 Dec 07 - 05:42 PM

(Washington and that county got WAY too much rain yesterday)

http://www.co.snohomish.wa.us/PWApp/roads/emclosure/index.html

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: wysiwyg
Date: 04 Dec 07 - 07:39 PM

Pullllllllllllllllling you hooooooooommmme.............

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: maeve
Date: 04 Dec 07 - 07:42 PM

Heave away, haul away home...

maeve

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: skipy
Date: 04 Dec 07 - 08:01 PM

We are still watching over you as best we can.
Skipy

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: maeve
Date: 05 Dec 07 - 06:30 AM

You'll be home soon, friends. What a joyful Christmas you and we will have!

maeve

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: ranger1
Date: 05 Dec 07 - 09:15 AM

Thanks for the continuing good thoughts and cyber-hugs. Needed them badly yesterday. It seems that, in the state of Washington, if you have once given someone permission to drive your vehicle, even if only for a day, and even if you have revoked that permission, then it cannot be reported as stolen, nor is it a criminal matter, but is instead a civil matter. The detective that dealt with us at Snohomish County SD yesterday was rude, unhelpful and downright hostile. Our advocate received the same treatment when she called. Also, can't report anything to the state police out here because they are just glorified traffic cops. Nice, helpful, and polite, but couldn't help us.

Oh, and Rap, we have the paperwork for lost/missing/stolen passport. That will be filled out soon.

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: Maryrrf
Date: 05 Dec 07 - 10:03 AM

Good lord how insane is that! So if I have at some time given someone permission to drive my car, and then they decide to come in the middle of the night and drive it away without my permission I'm just up the creek !??? Sounds like Washington state will just have to be written off as a nightmare and I'm sure you AND your mom will be glad to be out of there!

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: wysiwyg
Date: 05 Dec 07 - 10:17 AM

Thanks for the continuing good thoughts and cyber-hugs. Needed them badly yesterday.

Tami, I know all of that is very wearing, and right now it probably seems like a huge thing occupying the entire forefront of reality. But know that soon, when you are back home and in the midst of an excellent support system "with skin on," all those worries will seem much, much smaller. Keep your chin pointed in that direction-- you're almost there. It's all there, waiting for you.... where things make sense, and fit right, and feel right-- that life you've made, remember? :~)

Turning up the homing beacon: Come on, Tami......

~Susan

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: Janie
Date: 05 Dec 07 - 12:01 PM

Here are some more hugs, good thoughts and - oh yeh! a couple of waders and rainslickers!

Janie

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: Bobert
Date: 05 Dec 07 - 12:04 PM

Well, yeah... I figured it would be a civil matter as it would be in Virginia, as well... Civil processes are notoriously slow, costly and in the end you may (or may not) get a judgement and/or possession of property...

You need to talk with a bondsman... (Bondsman, Bobert???) Yeah, bondsmen deal with the slimiest of the slime and the folks who work for bondsmen are just a cut above (sometimes not) above the slime that they have to go round up when the slimiest don't show in court... Sometimes these folks will all but kidnap the slimiest the night before trials or hearings to protect their boss's "investment"... Anyway, these folks are tougher than the repo man and do things that repo men won't...

Think about it this way... A civil preceeding can cost you a couple grand ($$$$$$) and up to 6 months of hearings, postpostments, trials, depositions, etc... Now you might find a bondsman who would take $500 to deliver the car back to you... Just be sure to have clear title to show him before asking for his help...

And guess what??? Once you have the car in your possession it now become a civil matter for Mr. Creepo to try to get it back... Not criminal... It's kinda like custody of kids when a court ordered joint custody is ordered... Possession is 9/10's of the law...

Run this by your advocate...

BTW, I wasn't born knowing this stuff... Working as a jail house teacher, a drug rahb couselor and a social worker for 20 years taught me alot about how sneeky people operate and how to deal with them...

Hang in there, play smart and my most positive thoughts are with you...

B~

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: katlaughing
Date: 05 Dec 07 - 01:18 PM

If at all possible I would say let the car go...just another connection to the abuser which could prolong disengaging and being done with that whole situation.

Lot of love and hugs and thanks givings coming from here, Tami and mum.

luvyabucketskat

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: GUEST
Date: 05 Dec 07 - 01:43 PM

I was in a relationship for 4 plus years, only towards the end was I abused, and the very end totally abused and violated, I also had very sentimental things stolen from me, plus money and other immaterial things. In the end you just have to let things go, you can replace material things, although the sentimental things are irreplaceable, but your moms safety is more important than anything and you are a great daughter, just stick in there together and good luck.

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: SINSULL
Date: 05 Dec 07 - 02:12 PM

I too have let so much go. My sanity demanded it. But my therapist said I should go after the stuff - for my sanity and self respect. You have to decide for yourself. I have never given any of it another thought.
M

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: maeve
Date: 05 Dec 07 - 05:11 PM

Hey there, Bright Beacons of Good Sense, I hope today has gone more smoothly for you than yesterday did. It did occur to me that hereabouts we have a wicked good assortment of decent used cars. We can always find a car here at home...one that works right; none of that West Coast flooded cultch!

Love,

maeve

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: GUEST
Date: 05 Dec 07 - 06:12 PM

Okay, seems that their are 2 schools of thought here... Go for the car and...

...Don't go for the car...

I'd look at purely from a business viewpoint... If it's a $500 car and it's gonna cost you $500 to *maybe* retrieve it then forget it... If it's a $20,000 car and it's gonna cost you the same $500 to get it back, I think the risk is worth it...

There is one other consideration and that is insurance... Should you decide to not pursue getting it back, unless el-Creepo is willing to either insure it or take legal possession of it, ***you*** will have to maintain liability insurance on it since ***you*** still legally onw in and if el-Creepo runs into a school bus they will be coming after ***you*** as the owner of the car...

B~

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: Maryrrf
Date: 06 Dec 07 - 11:09 AM

The point about insurance IS a good one - whoever is listed as the owner of the car could be liable in case of an accident. What a discouraging situation. But again, to be alive, a long distance away from the lunatic, with a chance to be safe and start over - well that's the important thing

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: maeve
Date: 06 Dec 07 - 11:49 AM

I hope you'll have a chance to check in today, Bright Ones of the Morning. We're all still standing firm on your behalf. We're looking forward to seeing the two of yez home, safe and sound.

maeve

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: ranger1
Date: 06 Dec 07 - 12:12 PM

Good morning all you lovely Mudcat people! We've slept on the car issue, Mum's going to ruminate on it today and decide later what to do about it later. Me, I'm just counting days until I get home to my man, my dog and The Stupid Cat. Mum's still upset about the cat, but has realized that she cannot go back to the house for him. I think he'll be fine, and the former landlady has promised to leave food out for him.

Thanks again for all the support.

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: maeve
Date: 06 Dec 07 - 12:17 PM

Thanks for your update, Tami. We'll be here.

maeve

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: katlaughing
Date: 06 Dec 07 - 01:46 PM

Thanks for the update, Tami.

Please tell your mom I *see* her kitty surrounded by Light, safe and fed, perhaps even led to a new home.

Thirty years ago, when my last child was but two weeks old, I had to drive away from two cats I couldn't catch when we were moving. They had been drifting away for several months before, but it was still one of the hardest and saddest things I've ever done. I guess it's probably why I am so protective of them all now.

luvyakat

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: Bill D
Date: 06 Dec 07 - 01:47 PM

I once had to pay back takes on a car I hadn't seen for 10-15 years when I tried to sell my Mother's house, as my ex-wife had simply allowed it (the car) to sit in a field, and the county placed a lien on any preperty I had my name on to collect taxes on a dead car. Laws differ in various states, but it is well to know the rules.

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: Jean(eanjay)
Date: 06 Dec 07 - 02:03 PM

Cats have an amazing capacity for themselves. He'll make sure one or more people "feel sorry for him"....... and if a former landlady is looking out for him all should be well.

With regard to the car - I lie in the bath and mull things over when I have a problem -it works a treat.

Take care
Jean

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: wysiwyg
Date: 06 Dec 07 - 09:08 PM

The best place from which to think about the car will be HOME. Come on, Tami, come on, Tami's mom....... race Donder and Blitzen to the rooftops! :~)

~Susan

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: maeve
Date: 07 Dec 07 - 06:59 AM

Mother and Daughter
(To the tune of "Brightest and Best" as given by oor Jean, KT, with apologies as needed!)

Rise up, good friends, time to pack for the airplane
Soon you'll be home where you've wanted to be.
More than a car is the worth you've been given;
Soon will the Light bring you home safe and free!

Chorus: Brightest and Best: you're the ones friends are waiting for
       Brave are your hearts, and determined and strong!
       Now is the time to return to your loved ones.
       Rich are your futures; in Maine you belong!

Mother and daughter, together you've battled
Evil and ignorance, pain, grief, and fear.
Now is the time to return to your future;
Family and friends who do hold you so dear!

Closer you come to your home near the ocean
Homeward you travel with stories enough.
Soon we shall sing of your battle victorious
Thanks be for laughter, and love from above!
*******

Come home.

maeve

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: SINSULL
Date: 07 Dec 07 - 08:24 AM

Hey Tami - we have our own set of troubles requiring your attention here in Maine. Get the hell home!
Screw the motivational support crap!

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: maeve
Date: 07 Dec 07 - 09:12 AM

Sinsull, could you perhaps be more clear regarding your intent? Tami might have trouble understanding your delicate meaning.

Regards,

maeve



Hee, hee, hee!

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: jacqui.c
Date: 07 Dec 07 - 09:20 AM

I emailed Tami this morning to bring her up to date.

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: maeve
Date: 07 Dec 07 - 09:22 AM

Good, Jacqui. Thanks for letting us know. Another practical task accomplished!

Love,

maeve

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: Tinker
Date: 07 Dec 07 - 09:37 AM

See Tami, the hordes are getting restless and mis-behaving without your refining influence.....

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: ranger1
Date: 07 Dec 07 - 10:40 AM

SINSULL has been keeping me up to date on Kendall the whole time, so I knew what that post was all about. By this time tomorrow, I'll be on the plane and on my way home. Thanks for the support, everyone.

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: wysiwyg
Date: 07 Dec 07 - 12:05 PM

Shining a little light on that path to home.... THERE. Like a runway at night, no matter the fog or stormy weather.


~S~

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: SINSULL
Date: 07 Dec 07 - 12:12 PM

Salt would be more practical, Susan. We just had a storm.

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: wysiwyg
Date: 07 Dec 07 - 12:15 PM

No, the path to taking OFF-- to getting to the airport and getting on the plane. (The next 24 hours.) I assumed that the arrival airport will take care of their own lights, salt, etc.

~Susan

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: SINSULL
Date: 07 Dec 07 - 12:17 PM

Never assume...

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: wysiwyg
Date: 07 Dec 07 - 12:25 PM

OK, but you'll have to take care of the salt, as it is a 3-D item I cannot whizz up from here. :~)

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: SINSULL
Date: 07 Dec 07 - 02:44 PM

Please don't throw out openings like that. NO! I WON'T! I WON'T! I WON'T!

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: ranger1
Date: 07 Dec 07 - 11:46 PM

This is my last post from WA. Leaving before the crack of dawn and won't have computer access again until Sunday PM at the earliest.

Thanks seems kind of inadequate for all the support and help that we've received. For those of you most responsible for getting us home (and you know who you are), thank you so much my friends. I love each and every one of you.

Tami

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: katlaughing
Date: 07 Dec 07 - 11:56 PM

Good! Sleep well and fare safe on your journey home.


{{{{{{{{{TAMI & MUM}}}}}}}}}}}}

luvyakat

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 08 Dec 07 - 12:59 AM

I'm looking forward to your next post Tami. wishing you both have a good trip back.

sandra

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: Janie
Date: 08 Dec 07 - 01:34 AM

Good!

Tough job. Well done!

Hugs to both of you.

Janie

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: Jeri
Date: 08 Dec 07 - 08:36 AM

Mary, thank you for not taking the p...
Nevermind. It's just that I also had to hold it in.

Whenever you both get to see this: WELCOME HOME!

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: Maryrrf
Date: 08 Dec 07 - 11:22 AM

I will be glad when you post that you and your mom are home safely. The GOOD thing about this is that there is an enormous distance between the lunatic and your mom - and in Maine she is surrounded by a wonderful support system. Thank heavens for that. Never mind the material things - they can and will be replaced in time.

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: GUEST,Julia
Date: 08 Dec 07 - 09:48 PM

WOW! Tami , you are made of stern stuff- as you know we have always said we'd take you with us anytime! Your mom is a lucky woman-A greater love hath no daughter.
Can't wait to hear about the homecoming celebration.

Blessings and Light surround you both.

LOL Julia & Fred

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: SINSULL
Date: 08 Dec 07 - 10:05 PM

She's baaaaaaack. Just got a call. Tami and Diane are safe at Gramma's. A good night's sleep and Tami will set out for Maine. We are very releaved to heve he rhome. Big SIGH of relief,

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: Sorcha
Date: 08 Dec 07 - 10:10 PM

Praise the Lord and pass the powder! Keep 'er dry,Tami, you may need it yet! LOL

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: catspaw49
Date: 08 Dec 07 - 10:49 PM

Having no possible advice more than good thoughts, I have watched this thread as religiously as Ol' Spaw does anything religious. I am overjoyed you are both home safely...............You did the most that could be done working with what you had and need to be commended for doing it well and being here to tell the tale. So glad you're back!

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: TRUBRIT
Date: 08 Dec 07 - 11:30 PM

welcome home Tami.......

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: katlaughing
Date: 08 Dec 07 - 11:43 PM

Phew! That's wonderful news!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 09 Dec 07 - 12:21 AM

hooray

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: jacqui.c
Date: 09 Dec 07 - 01:46 AM

Wonderful! I am so relieved to know you are back on the right side of the continent. See you after Christmas!

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: ranger1
Date: 09 Dec 07 - 02:48 PM

MUDCAT, I'M HOME!!!

Mum and Grammie want me to thank everyone for all their support.

Now I'm gonna go read that other thread :)

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: wysiwyg
Date: 09 Dec 07 - 03:06 PM

Have a great nap, ladies! :~)

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: Domestic abuse/good thoughts needed
From: Jeri
Date: 09 Dec 07 - 03:25 PM

Moved on - the current thread is Tami's Home