Deer Santy Claws,

Subject: Deer Santy Claws,
From: CLETUS
Date: 21 Dec 99 - 08:20 PM

Deer Santy Claws,

Ime ritin to ya kinda late an all but I reckon as hows ya got so menny lettters erlier that thisun mite stand out a bit.

I wuzza wundren ifn ya cud see yer way kleer ta bring me sumpin fer Chrissmuss this yeer insted uv a bar uv soap an a lump uv coal. That canadjun feller callt Tony Burns sent Catspaw a purty neet ad fer sumpin that Paw an me cud use when weer huntin. I think the Reg boyz wud uze it too ifn we had the thang. Ifn the huntin wernt nun too gud we cud filler up an play "Sink the Cheerios." I genrully doan aks fer much but this dang thing wud be a reel lifesaver.

Ize wundrin too ifn ya cud git Paw a renewal with the C.D.H.A. cuz it come in rite usefull like last year. And cud ya bring sumpin fer Catspaw fer lettin ussens hang round hiz house senz the condom factory blew up. Mebbee ya cud bring him sum reel fine vittles senz hiz dawg, that stoopid wymarainer dun et hiz laz loaf. And after that close call that Reg, Reg, and Reg had when Paw's fart litin blew up the ice rink where we wuz tryin ta ice fish but bored thru a gas main insted, well mebbee ya cud bring them a little dashboard statue that glowed in the dark.

Ile be up brite an erly lookin fer ya cuz Paw allus gits up erly ta scratch an take a leek an heez reel noizy bout it, speshally the scratchin. Marry Chrissmuss!!!

CLETUS

Subject: RE: Deer Santy Claws,
From: katlaughing
Date: 21 Dec 99 - 09:12 PM

Like wow! Like where did YOU come from, Cleetuz? Man, I haven't seen the fat guy with that really rad red suit at the mall, but like ya know, if you washed up and like let me pierce your ears, and nose and, like we could do your eyebrows and navel, too, then like you could come to the party Maryanna is having this Friday. Like it'll be waaaayyy cccool. Man, like didja just get here or whaaatt? I mean, like no offense, ya know, but umm.....ya really need to wash up and I've got some mousse we could put in yer hair and, I know! Like I could take you round to the poolhouse at Daddy's place and you could get cleaned up in there, Yea! He's got some extra clothes out there,too, like waaayyy cool, man, I can't waaayyyt to show you to all of my friends. They're gonna diieee when they see you! You are SOOooo RAD, like totally cool, ya know, well, ummm, as soon as you wash off that green stuff and um, look you'll hafta lose those boots, even the grunge kids wouldn't be caught dead in those, ya know, like okay, dude, like just follow behind my car, 'kay, and I'll like go realleee, reallleeee s*l*o*w and then, when you're cleaned up you can ride in the back with my poodle. What? No WAY!! He doesn't bite! WHAT??? Does he taste good? Eeeewwwwww! GROSS!! Get outta here! Man,like you just blew a realleee good party, ya know!!! Eeewww, you are WAY GROSS, man! Oh, and Cleeetuz? THERE ISN'T ANY SANTY CLAWS!!! Yes, WAY! Absolutely! Doesn't exist, man, like all MY gifts from him come from Rodeo Drive and there's NO WAY his credit limit would reach that high! See ya later, sucker, like have a cool Christmas anyway!!!

Ditzee Lee

Subject: RE: Deer Santy Claws,
From: Santa Claus
Date: 21 Dec 99 - 09:40 PM

Dear CLETUS,
I received your list in the mail today, and am working on your requests. Will a light-up figurine of a dragonfly do? I'm sorry to hear about the gas accident--how about a big Zantac? I hope you will continue to be a GOOD boy, CLETUS, there are still 2 weeks left in the year.

Sincerely Yours,

Sandy Claws (what am I saying? I mean Santa Claus.)
P.S. On of my elves, Binky, had to be committed to the Neil Young Center, so I have an open position for a worker. CLETUS, would you do me the honor of coming up to the North Pole (a little farther north than Ohio) and being my *special helper* until Christmas?

Subject: RE: Deer Santy Claws,
From: CLETUS
Date: 21 Dec 99 - 09:45 PM

Aw cummon back heer Ditzee...I wuz jez puttin ya on an thair ya go atakin me fer serious. I kleen up reel fine an I kin git Paw ta gimmee a close shavin an sum uv hiz Lilac Vegital ta make me smell purty too. I even got me some Sunday meetin shoes with socks whut aint gray. I got me thizzeer green an red plaid suit what showz off my dressup socks cuz the pantz only come to my ankles. And them socks is a reel neet purple an are so thin thet the hairz on my leg come a poppin thru. Ifn yunt to we cud go down to see Santy at that Rodeo place youz talkin bout. Aint never seen no cowboy Santy soze itd be a reel treet ta me. Afferwords mebbee we cud go see the ocean. Have yall got submarine racin heer too?

CLETUS

Subject: RE: Deer Santy Claws,
From: CLETUS
Date: 21 Dec 99 - 09:51 PM

Boy o boy...An thet gurl sed you wernt reel Santy!!! Ile be comin yer wayz jez az soon az I kin git my pickup runnin. It had sum kinda nervous bustdown an now Ime root hog or die gonna fix it!!! Think I kin brang thet Ditzee gurl cuz the Reg boyz say itz rite cold where yall are?

CLETUS

Subject: RE: Deer Santy Claws,
From: Santa Claus
Date: 21 Dec 99 - 10:09 PM

CLETUS,
Don't worry about your pickup truck, I'll just nip over in my sleigh and pick you up...how much do you weigh exactly? I'm hoping my the reindeer can keep both us big boys up in the air. And sure you can bring Ditzee along too! Psst...do you think she'd like to see me jiggle like a bowl full of jelly? Oh, *ahem* CLETUS, I specifically want you to be a Mudcat gift inspector, you know, make sure each gift suits the Mudcatter it's going to? Think your up to it? BTW we have sub-polar ice cap submarine racing.

Santa Claus (a hint--Mrs. Claus has been lonely of late...)

Subject: RE: Deer Santy Claws,
From: CLETUS
Date: 21 Dec 99 - 10:25 PM

Ifn yall promises ta git me thet Bumper Dumper than Ize your boy. But how kin ya see the submarines under thet ice?

CLETUS

Subject: RE: Deer Santy Claws,
From: Santa Claus
Date: 21 Dec 99 - 10:35 PM

CLETUS,
Deal. As for the submarines, we, um, track them with homing beacons.

Santa Claus

Subject: RE: Deer Santy Claws,
From:
Date: 21 Dec 99 - 10:36 PM

As Chico Marx said, "There aint no sanity clause."

Merry Xmas

Murray

Subject: RE: Deer Santy Claws,
From: katlaughing
Date: 22 Dec 99 - 01:18 AM

Like, Mizzter Cletus, ummm, you goin' somewhere with that old man?? I mean I dig his suit and everything, but like I can't keep my tan up there, and like Fifi and Foo-foo hafta come, too and man, like I don't think they could go without their sweaters, and like I'd hafta pack and THERE ISN'T ANY RODEO IT'S ROE*DAY*OH, like who wouldn't know that?!! I don't know anything about a cowboy santa, unless, ummm, like you're talking about the Dallas Cowboys, like have you seen their cheerleaders? Wow! like totally rad, my mom says I have the legs and boobs for it, but like well, um.... I don't know if I wanna be out there on the field, ya know, like it could get kinda cold out there, too, like ya know and muddy and, okay, like what if one of those players, whaddaya call them, tight ends?, came by and hit me and like broke my nail or somthin? Like, that'd be totally uncoool, ya know what I mean? And, about going with, like, the old man?, there's NO WAY I am goin' anywhere I can't swim and hang out on the beach. Like it's just not cool, like ya know what I mean, doncha? Those purple socks're real nice, like I dig the plaid, too, but no way will you ever have any fun up there, it's like WAY cold and there's snow, and that, like, ummm, that old man in the RAD, red suit?, like I don't think you should trust him, ya know? Like there's lost kids' pictures on all the milk cartons, ya know, like kids who went with old men like him, well, um like, well, I guess they weren't 'xactly like him, none of them, like, had that cool suit, and like if he'd braid his beard or somethun, it'd be really cool and he could come to the party, too, like whaddya think, Cletus, ya know?

Your friend forever, but not in the cold,

Ditzee Lee

Subject: RE: Deer Santy Claws,
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 22 Dec 99 - 03:55 AM

Am I the only sane person in this thread?

Cletus, I don't like Lilac, it smells of dead grandmothers. If you really want to tiptoe barefoot through my imaginary chest hair, then you need to ask Santa for some Sandalwood or Pink Carbolic.... And I have this thing about men with pierced ears......

Santa, I've given up with you, because I've never found Sean Connery in my stockings (OOOOOOOOhhhh, what a mind picture that is, dribble dribble.....), besides I've heard about that dyslexic who sold you his soul, and I don't approve. I'm even eating venison for Christmas dinner!

LTS

Subject: RE: Deer Santy Claws,
From: MMario
Date: 22 Dec 99 - 10:17 AM

Santa...

My brother Cleigh says to pay no attention to Ms. Ditzee, that you are really real. I'm glad you are real. Would you bring Mr. Max a really big fast computer for Christmas? I like it when he is on the radio. I like Mr. Max. He has Elves, just like you do, Santa, only his elves are taller then yours. Their hats aren't as neat as your elf hats though. And Max's elves are real, real smart. I don't mean your elves aren't smart, Santa, but your elves make toys. Max's elves make computers work and let us hear all sorts of Mudcatterters on the radio and see Mr. Bert play the gitar.

Can you bring Ms. Jeri somthing real nice while she is visiting in the frozen North? cleigh says it shouldn't be hard because she will be in your backyard. Do you have a swing set in your backyard, cause if you do I want to visit you. But in the summer when it is warm.

Please bring my brother Cleigh a whistle. He says his isn't loud enough....

yours, Didelphyia O'Carina (but you can call me Dido)

Subject: RE: Deer Santy Claws,
From: Cleigh O'Possum
Date: 22 Dec 99 - 10:42 AM

Dear Santa,

Please be nice to my little sister. This is the first Christmas for both of us and I want hers to be special too.

And Santa...I wouldn't hire Cletus as an elf if I were you. Catspaw says he's a bad influence and he almost got me into trouble this year and I try so hard to be good.

Merry Christmas Santa. The only thing I want is for all my Mudcat friends to have a wonderful holiday season.

Cleigh O'Possum

Subject: RE: Deer Santy Claws,
From: Santa Claus
Date: 22 Dec 99 - 10:56 AM

Dear all,
As for the above remarks, I must say that I do exist--"I stand before you naked to the eye." Oh well, Ditzee, I'm sure there are LOTS of other girls how'd like to come to the North Pole with CLETUS & me. Ah Lizzie, I remember you when you were a little Squeaker! I tried to bring you Sean for Christmas one year, but he punched me and scared me away with his Scottish accent. Ahh, little Dido, you and your brother Cleigh are going to find some nice presents under the tree on Christmas morning. You've both been very good little possums! I'll try to get a lighting fast computer for Mr.Max--I enjoy Mudcat Radio myself, I can get it on my trannie. And I sure do like Mr. Bert and his guitar as well. They'll both wake up to special surprises! As for Ms. Jeri, I do have a Stradivarius around here somewhere...think she'd enjoy that? I'll be sure to say Hi to her. And of course we have a swing up here, and you can come up and swing on it any time you like!

Yours Truly,

Santa Claus

Subject: RE: Deer Santy Claws,
From: Roger the skiffler
Date: 22 Dec 99 - 11:32 AM

Dear Santa, I hope you got the long list of books and recordings, but I won't mind if you send me bottles instead. At least when the bottles are empty we recycle them, whereas if we get many more books and recordings we'll have to get a bigger house. If you could send me the ability to sing in tune and play a musical instrument (even a banjo!) or even whistle in tune, then my nearest and dearest would be most grateful.
BTW the best gift you brought me was the link to the Mudcat. It's introduced me to a great bunch of experts and nutcases and helped me get through bad days at work. Don't come down the chimney at the Neil Young Center, that's for the incinerator, my stocking is the fishnet one with the blue garter.
RtS

Subject: RE: Deer Santy Claws,
From: katlaughing
Date: 22 Dec 99 - 11:32 AM

But, like, ummm, remember Dye-doe, it's like ALWAYS WAY COLD up where he's talking about, ya know!?!

Subject: RE: Deer Santy Claws,
From: TerriM
Date: 22 Dec 99 - 01:56 PM

Dear Santa,

As an equal opportunity employer, I think you should invite other applicants for the elf post, not just Cleetus ( who smells bad). I have not had much elfing experience but I am quite short, so that's all right, and my present job is a lot like Cleetus in that it smells bad too. Please consider me for the job as I would like an opportunity to move into the National Elf Service. Thank you ( and by the way I have been a good girl all year despite what that Judge said) Terri

Subject: RE: Deer Santy Claws,
From: Santa Claus
Date: 22 Dec 99 - 03:29 PM

Dear Terri,
From all the letters I have received, I have agreed NOT to accept CLETUS as my *special helper.* I have a particularly sensitive nose, and cannot stand odiferous humans. But, I am willing to accept you as a replacement, for it sounds like you have better credentials than Ol' CLETUS--besides, all that weight in the sleigh eats up gas like you wouldn't believe! So, I'll guess I'll come down and pick YOU up instead of smelly-boy. I look forward to working with you!

Yours,

Santa Claus

Subject: RE: Deer Santy Claws,
From: Dido
Date: 22 Dec 99 - 03:51 PM

Dear Santa - My house is the white one with the decks on three side. I will wait for you on the mantle of the lower fireplace. The house with no chimney is Pedro the burro's. He shares his house with the expensive lawn ornament, which is what Unca MMario calls the horse. The horse doesn't deserve anything for Christmas because he was bad and broke out of his pasture this summer. An' Pedro doesn't either cuz he steals hay ALL THE TIME! 'n he's getting real, real fat, too, cuz he steal the hay so much; 'n stealing is bad, right? I have to share my house with a huge doggie and the cats. of course the cats go wherever they want. That isn't faire, is it Santa? But the doggie is real nice and sings along with Unca MMario, so please bring the doggie something to eat which is what he likes bestest.

Dear Santa I almosted forgot! Please have your elves send Max's elves a merry Christmas, because they Help Mr. Max and the MudCat.

Dido

Subject: RE: Deer Santy Claws,
From: catspaw49
Date: 22 Dec 99 - 07:09 PM

Dear Santa,

You have made a wise choide in not giving Cletus the job. Although I would have liked to have him and the rest out of here for awhile, he just would have caused you more problems than you need at this time of year.

The town has not yet forgiven him for the explosion at the condom factory, especially since much of the village is still cleaning latex off of everything. Only a few weeks ago he and Paw and the Reg boys blew up a two block chunk of downtown Columbus when they bored through a gas main while ice fishing on what they thought was a lake. Since it was actually the newly built NHL Hockey arena, they're in a bit of trouble there too.

Best Wishes on your journey....

Spaw

Subject: RE: Deer Santy Claws,
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 23 Dec 99 - 03:03 AM

Hey, that isn't fair, Terri already has a job, one that SHE CHOSE TO DO, I've not had one for 6 months now (funny, that's how long I've been reading Mudcat.....)and I really need the money. I didn't choose to leave my job, I got sacked for being asthmatic and part time basically. Besides, Terri doesn't have a hairy chest (back yes, chest, no), and when she gets drunk her accent is even scarier than Seans.... so that's about every night then.

Perhaps Cletus could go work for the local council here in UK, they are great at creating stinks - we've had 2 sackings for ill health, 4 charged with internet porn and a whole department put on warning for transmitting dubious material across the council E mail system....!

Besides, Terri farts worse than a cat!

LTS

Subject: RE: Deer Santy Claws,
From: TerriM
Date: 23 Dec 99 - 01:58 PM

Liz,I resemble ( oops), I mean resent that remark and can bring witnesses to testify to it's lack of veracity!! Admittedly my charming lilt of a brogue gets a bit peaty when I've had one or two, which is a thing rarer than you with your drawers up,but I draw the line at singing Danny Boy, don't I..... and I do not too have a hairy back! At least I'm not famed far and wide for belching the Battlefields of Europe. Please take me Santa, she is too tall for elfdom and will only organise your elves into a union and strike for higher wages and longer lunchhours. I will be the one waiting outside in the green fishnet stockings and misletoe down my cleavage.

Subject: RE: Deer Santy Claws,
From: Santa Claus
Date: 23 Dec 99 - 02:09 PM

Dear Terri & Lizzie,
There appears to be some history here between you that I am NOT familiar with! Can all these accusations be true? Maybe I should get CLETUS and the the both of you to come and help me! You all appear to have some rather "unsavory" habits, and will probably work well together. I can see it now, the three of you getting wasted and burping and singing and goodness know what else! It would be a treat for the elves, though. They like laughing a "Big Dumb Humans" (like me.) Height is not a real issue for my workers--we have some vertically inclined persons working for me too, but we call them "special." Well, if I have to change plans once more, I going to explooooode! So it's the one with the green stockings (NOT yellow) the one with the purple socks, and the one with the drawers "downgyved." I'll be over soon!
Exasperatedly Yours,

Santa Claus

Subject: RE: Deer Santy Claws,
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 24 Dec 99 - 02:27 AM

At least my offspring doesn't have fishnet boobs......!

Mind you, if my offspring wears clothes for more than four hours consecutively, it's because she fell asleep.....

How did you know I used to be called Droopy Drawers?

Santa, would you prefer mince pies or chocolate mousse? The deer can help themselves to the lawn, it's better for them and will save me mowing it one last time....

And if I had a cleavage without the aid of wire and padding, believe me, there would be mistletoe down it....

LTS

Subject: RE: Deer Santy Claws,
From: TerriM
Date: 24 Dec 99 - 08:32 PM

Dear Santa,

As the daughter of Terri (sad but true) and a friend/associate/aquaintance/whatever (delete as applicable/least scary) I have to warn you that the morals of both parties are exeedingly questionable and I'm very sorry for any distress they may have caused you or your elves/reindeer/family/don't want to know that about Santa e.t.c . Mostly just sorry though and I hope this won't affect the present situation. Ta muchly

Fiona xx

Subject: RE: Deer Santy Claws,
From: Terry Allan Hall
Date: 25 Dec 99 - 12:44 PM

LOL

Subject: RE: Deer Santy Claws,
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 25 Dec 99 - 07:15 PM

Daughter of Terri - or Spawn of Satan as you are more popularly known - did the fishnets ever come out of your boobs, or can we use you at the next chess tournament....?

LTS