BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Amos
Date: 13 Dec 02 - 12:50 PM

Whist begorr, Rapaire, but yer a scalawag of the first water!! LOL!!



A

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: artbrooks
Date: 13 Dec 02 - 12:41 PM

The guy over in the corner behind the spittoon perks his (long hairy) ears up and says to himself "percussion section? Did I hear somebody say percussion section? I've got my bodhran, eight tippers, a set of spoons and one of those damn egg things. Wonder where I can get a triangle?"

He opens the basement door and goes down the stairs. Opening the second door at the bottom, he steps out into the warm sun beating down on the yard of a New Mexico ranch and c a r e f u l l y closes it behind him. Kicking a couple of rattlesnakes out of the way, he goes over to the ranch house's back door and takes down the cook's "come and get it" triangle. He walks back over to the barn, crunching a few tarantulas that are trying to cross the yard, aned goes up the steps to the hayloft. Opening the door, he's back in the Tavern again.

"Now," he muses, "where did that guy go?"

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Rapparee
Date: 13 Dec 02 - 12:38 PM

"No," says the quiet one, "but I do happen to have a tambourine, a trumpet, and a tympani in my pack. Also the world's only ukeolo."

"And that is...?" queried the Admiral.

"A ukeolo bears the same relationship to a ukelele as a picollo does to a flute."

There was widespread regurgitation upon the receipt of this information.

"What key does it play in?" asked the Admiral, hesitantly.

"Flat," replied the quiet man. "Sharp, though, whenever you want it to play flat. It's really quite flexible."

Without warning, huge ceiling beams, heavy stones, classical music scores and other debris fell, blocking off the booth where several sat playing whist.

"My God!" exclaimed the quiet man, dashing to the scene of the wreck.

A large man was already there, trying to shift the pile with his hands.
A button on his shirt randomly lit up messages reading "rm -r *" "SPEWED" and "Kiss Me, I'm Amos."

"A nihilist, I see," said the quiet man.

"Only sometimes, and then partially," was the reply.

"Can we get the entry to this booth cleared? I thought to teach them something of poker."

Amos shook his head sadly. "I'm afraid not. It's going to take jacks or better to open."

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Dead Horse
Date: 13 Dec 02 - 12:14 PM

"A washboard? Why didn't you say you had a washboard? Here's my socks, have 'em ready by Sunday" "Oh, and not too much starch, the doc says I shouldn't have too much starch". The Admiral (Connections, you know....)goes off in search of a percussion section for his Cajun Band, the Bayou Leevee, whilst pulling a 'tit noir from under the old sou'wester. "Anybody got a teefer? a triangle will do, at a pinch?"

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 13 Dec 02 - 09:43 AM

..the tone deaf one slumped on the bar stool jerks awake, wrenching his hair free from where it was stuck to the spillage on the bar. He is puzzled by the ringing in his ears until he realises that some joker (Liz or Morty at a guess) had hung bell decorations on his ears while decorating the tree. Then he found someone had stuck a mince pie up his kazoo to silence it,and to add insult to injury, some cat had used his washboard for a litter tray.
Pouring out another 3-star he croaks in a voice within a few miles of Roy Wood's :
"I'm glad it isn't Xmas every dayeeee"
He realises as he looks blearily at the inflatable sheep that it is beginning to look strangely attractive. Had he drunk too much or was he coming down with New Zealand 'flu? He has another prophylactic drink just in case it is the latter. He also thinks "one must stop thinking in the third person mustn't one?")
RtS

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Amos
Date: 13 Dec 02 - 09:38 AM

(oo, Rapaire....someone oughter grind YOUR zeroes for that one!)

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: MMario
Date: 13 Dec 02 - 09:38 AM

We've already managed to survive the ONE RING - what could be worse?




(the phone is broken - it doesn't ring more then once...)

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Rapparee
Date: 13 Dec 02 - 09:20 AM

Around him, the party was beginning to pick up speed, yet the quiet man knew that, without food, it might well slow down. Picking his mobile phone from his pocket, he flipped it open.

"Scotty? Beam done two or three tonnes of archeopteryx."

"Soitenly," replied the answering voice, in a Scots accent.

"Cleaned and plucked. Mario shouldn't have to do all of the work. And include some good barbecue sauce. Out." And he closed the cell phone.

Looking around, noticed...no! It couldn't be! Some fool had been writing tennis scores on a piece of paper -- 6-0, 6-0, 6-0 -- and had rolled it into a tube which was now being run through a pencil sharpener!

Quickly, nearly instantly, the quiet man yanked away the paper tube.

"Watcha do that for?" asked the grinder, belligerently.

"You fool! You bloody, stupid fool!" whispered the quiet man, loudly. "Do you want to end this, this...orgy...party...good time...drunken brawl...folk festival...whatever this is? Think man! DON'T YOU KNOW WHAT OCCURS AT GROUND ZEROES????????????"

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Noreen
Date: 13 Dec 02 - 08:45 AM

And from the silence a contented mutter:

"Good old Bert, always comes up trumps."

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Dead Horse
Date: 13 Dec 02 - 05:52 AM

"That was my connection, and he's left two solid bars of Columbian Gold!" He eyed the assembled throng. "Bloody miracle he found this place, I swear he can walk on water, which is damn usefull when ye don't get shore leave" Rolling hisself a huge spliff, and thoughtfully scraping some *dust* into the cats bowl, he collapses in a (different) heap. "All we need now is a brace of floozies from Madam Gashees, and a good pox doctor"

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Rustic Rebel
Date: 13 Dec 02 - 04:53 AM

Suddenly there was a silence that filled the room. It started by the fireplace and moved through the tavern quite swiftly.
As if out of thin air, there stood a man. A beautiful man he was.
Very tall and statuesque. He wore a grey morning coat of flowered chintz, with a cambric shirt and nankeen trousers. His hair was very dark and long, thick curls flowed around his shoulders. He was clean shaven, with a square jaw and a firm dimpled chin, and eyes that sparkled when he gazed your way.
All eyes were upon him now, and then he smiled.His smiled gleamed a light enough to be blinding, for inlayed upon his tooth was a diamond of the highest quality. When the reflection from the fire met it,it shone so brilliantly,the chameleon turned itself white.
He moved across the room with an agile gracefulness, and as he passed through the crowd, a waft of his perfumed body, of frankincense and myrrh filled the air.
Everyone he passed seemed to elapse into a tracelike state of being.
He moved like a mellifluous song to the oaken bar, and with swift grace, reached into his side bag to produce two, highly polished, gleaming, gold bullion bars, and placed them on the bar.
He then spoke clear and softly, five words.
He turned and opened the door and a mist seemed to surround him and swirl at his feet. As suddenly as he appeared, he was gone.
The crowd was in awe.Even men had drool from the corners of their mouths.His words that were so softly spoken still echoed through our minds.And then we rejoiced!


His words- "The party is on me."

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: My guru always said
Date: 13 Dec 02 - 03:33 AM

Meanwhile Santa Cruz dusts himself down, croaks a feeble HoHoHo and staggers to the Bar to restore his spirits...

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: alison
Date: 13 Dec 02 - 02:59 AM

well at least its cool in here......... its been pretty hot the last few days........

so where are all the nibblies... and make mine a baileys with a flake in it thanks....... need a chocolate fix....


slainte

alison

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Amos
Date: 13 Dec 02 - 12:31 AM

Mario continues chanting to his thong with a look of puzzlement on his face. "Isn't it supposed to rise up flaming or something?" , he mutters. The Bailey's seems to have crossed up childhood memories of Indian fakirs taming cobras with Buddhists chanting Om and setting themselves on fire, all retained haphazardly from a fourth grade perusal of the American Child's Encyclopdia of the World Book Omibus set, which he got by saiving box-tops from Wheaties which he paid for by delivering Grit door-to-door which was really exhausting and uphill both ways....

He slumps, drained by a flood of memory and the efforts of basting that Auroch, and swoons into the nearest davenport and the bliss of temproary unconsciousness...

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Rapparee
Date: 12 Dec 02 - 06:52 PM

...and indeed they were. Were. As the quiet man, rapier at his waist, had rescued them and brought them with him to the Tavern to reunite the family.

Confidently, he strode to the bar, asked for a full liter of Bushmill's 16-year-old, or Redbreast. The bartender gave him an odd look and provided a 16-year-old with a red breast. Calmly, the quiet man reached into his pack and pulled out...a trumpet.

Fortunately, he also had a mute. The 16-year-old was entranced, and drifted away into the crowd. The quiet man settled for a liter of poteen. Or Sheep Dip.

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 12 Dec 02 - 06:25 PM

Hmmm dreamt I was being caressed by 20grit sandpaper again; least it wasn't my chesticles this time.

Oh....! what is this in my hand?? Looks like a... well, don't quite like to say what it looks like. Last time I saw one of those it had a squeaker in one end.. Ooooo... just like this one. The other had a big hairy bloke on the other end....

Ah.

Well, it's hairy..... and it's big. 2 out of three is pretty good average for me.


So where's the carol singing then? Anyone want to try 'Hark the Harold?'... or 'It came upon the Mudcat clear'?

I'm worried about 'My guru'.... they know I purr when VERY pleased... although the snoring is just not true. it must be an asthmatic wheeze! If I didn't know better I'd say 'My guru' is too close for comfort...

Best be getting that Swanno out of Morty's cleavege... brave men have been reduced to tears in there. I think it's the Ralgex, or the Wintergreen ointment.


LTS

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: katlaughing
Date: 12 Dec 02 - 06:16 PM

LeeJ!!! More, more!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Catherine Jayne
Date: 12 Dec 02 - 06:15 PM

Dead Horse.....does The Admiral know about the sucking?????

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Catherine Jayne
Date: 12 Dec 02 - 06:14 PM

Iceberg....something about a big boat......

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Dead Horse
Date: 12 Dec 02 - 06:13 PM

"Bugger! That was the last of the Sloe."
The Commodore (promotion at last) reaches underneath the sou'wester and produces a flask of Nelsons Blood, "Anyone for *sucking the Admiral*?" he enquires. "Suckers are ten a penny, but swallowers are hard to find" He now collapses in a heap (What of? You may well ask.)

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: GUEST,Polar Bear
Date: 12 Dec 02 - 06:09 PM

Have you heard any news of the iceberg? My family were on it, you see?

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: My guru always said
Date: 12 Dec 02 - 05:57 PM

Under the tree Camo the aging Tom Cat eyes up LTS, all female & much more of a challenge than the Chameleons. He nudges the RabbitFur Toy with the Squeak inside over to her hand & she instinctively strokes it while snoring rythmically. Rolling up his metaphorical sleeves he sets himself to licking all the Baileys off her face before it congeals... She begins to purr..

Having successfully avoided the Morris Mens synchopated perambulations, the Tabby has reached the vantage point of the Mantelpiece & is determinedly checking out MMario's dip selection.

She hears strange muffled curses coming through the wall behind her. The odd word came through quite clearly, LET GO, SLIPPERY WHIPS, BORIS, LEATHER MOUSE, EPIPHONE, CRY HAVOC, OMIGOD.....

The thin scruffy man lands with a thud & a Yelp as the flames from the fireplace set light to his nethers. Panic ensues as Mudcatters scatter. The current SPEWED line-up holds an Emergency Committee & breaks open a bottle of Baileys to restore order.

The Stranger with the Silvertone breaks off in mid-bar, grabs the Soda Syphon & drenches the latest arrival with Sloe Gin. The resultant WHOOSH denudes all previously Whiskered faces within a 5 yard radius.

The Cat sniffs the air & thinks 'Is that Wild Mountain Thyme on the Barbie or is someone smoking CatNip?'

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: mg
Date: 12 Dec 02 - 04:51 PM

oh the morris men are doing the ha cha cha now...mg

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: MMario
Date: 12 Dec 02 - 04:14 PM

the chant rises from the throng (THRONG! With an 'R'!)

El Swanno!


El Swanno!

El Swanno!

EL SWANNO!

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: JenEllen
Date: 12 Dec 02 - 04:10 PM

KOKO!!!

Jen drags Dave's skinny little carcass out from under the mass of gorilla flesh know as Koko. "Jeeziz, Dave," she says "Thank gawd you fell onto your back! Since Koko got her CPR card, she's been unstoppable, and very likely to blow into any orifice that's pointing skyward. Yeah, she got her CPR training, where do you think she's been lo these many moons? She's finished her nursing degree at the Mudcat Community College. Yeah, she barely passed the written, but she aced the practicals, so they let her through....."

To illustrate, Koko takes a battered paper hat with the red cross out and places it on her head. She borrows a few bobby-pins from SINSULL, attaches it topside, and continues to flutter her eyelashes at Dave. Dave, meanwhile, drags his helmet full of jello towards the bar for a pick-me-up ("Hey, bartender, anything that'll get the taste of gorilla tongue outta my mouth...make it a double")

Koko retreats to a table in the back, mourning her lost love, but not for long. The tavern door flies open to reveal Euphemia D. Toepicker, sister to Albert Toepicker, and purveyor of fine "Pheemy Toes" cosmetics. She singles out the lovelorn primate in a sea of lovelorn primates and rushes to the table. Minutes later, Koko is barely recognizable under flourescent blue glitter eyeshadow and layers of "Kiss Me Kiwi" lipgloss. "There!" exclaims Euphemia, as she hands Koko the mirror. "Big Mick would never be able to resist you now..."

Over at the bar, JenEllen attempts to oversee the reconstruction of El Swanno. "Sure, it hasn't been attempted in years, but the fishnets still fit, right? Life is too short to not light yourself on fire. Besides, even if it does 'only cost a femur', we've got our own RedCross nurse and a half-way skilled veterinary osteopathic surgeon...what could go wrong?

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Dead Horse
Date: 12 Dec 02 - 03:17 PM

The captain (sea-dog with delusions of grandeur) swigs another tot of sloe gin, then sways eratically towards the spittoon. Mistaking it for the binnacle, he gazes into its murky depths & mumbles something about being miles off course. Just then he notices the wheel that has stuck to his bum while stuck up the tree. "Somebody get this off me" he yells, "It's drivin' me nuts" (goes off, stage right, amid groans from omnes)

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Amos
Date: 12 Dec 02 - 01:41 PM

'S awright, MM -- they just get better with hard use!! :>)

A

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: MMario
Date: 12 Dec 02 - 12:58 PM

so That's what those things are! I've been passing them out as coasters!

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Amos
Date: 12 Dec 02 - 12:54 PM

The Mudcat CDs are behind the bar and someone slips one into the CD player. Justapicker's madcap fingerpicking croons over the airwaves, giving everyone a lift and a grin for Christmas....

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: MMario
Date: 12 Dec 02 - 12:35 PM

Amos - there is another version somewhere in the forum - probably last year's christmas party. - It might have been two years ago

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Amos
Date: 12 Dec 02 - 12:31 PM

Ohhh, Boris the Blue Balled Raindeer
HAd a very lively shlong,
And if you ever saw it,
You would probably say "It's long..."
All of the lady raindeer
Used to play the teasing shtick.
They never let old Boris
Deep his super raindeer wick!!
Then one foggy Christmas eve
While Santa was away,
Missus Cruz had too much wine
And asked old Boris in to play!
Then how the raindeer loved him!!
Caught it on a mini-cam!
Now they're all making money,
Selling it as porno spam!!



Geeze, Mario, do you have to keep coming up with these off-color inspirations? :>)

A

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Tinker
Date: 12 Dec 02 - 12:28 PM

"Questionable morals...!!!!" Questionable!!! Morti, I'm comin' over to join SPEWED, I may be short, but I know the morals in my songs are always VERY clear...

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: MMario
Date: 12 Dec 02 - 12:25 PM

Up on the rooftop is heard the galumphing of heavy hooves (Raindeer being much louder then reindeer) and a heavy *thud* as something rams into the HVAC unit on the roof.

Dammit! Probably that Santa Cruz character again. And 10 to 1 he fogot Boris again - they NEVER manage to land properly without Boris the Blue Balled Raindeer guiding the sled!

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Amos
Date: 12 Dec 02 - 12:19 PM

SANTA CRUZ???!!! ROTFLMAO, bwl!! Hilarious stuff!!!

A

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 12 Dec 02 - 12:16 PM

Meanwhile, even further into the Southern Hemisphere......"How much further?", you ask? Think way south. No, not the southern coast of Oz. Keep goin'. Yeh, that's it! You got it! The South Pole.......

A rather small red-cheeked fellow wearing a dirty green jumpsuit and carrying a rather full canvas mail-bag comes limping into what appears to have once been an office but is now so cluttered with broken musical instruments that there is hardly room to move.. Behind the desk sits a thin, scruffy man of about fifty who bears a startling resemblance to Ted Nugent. He is idly noodling on a lovely, obviously custom-made koa dreadnaught. He looks up when the small fellow addresses him. "Yo! Santa Cruz! Check this out! More letters from those Mudcat weirdoes."

Santa Cruz puts down the D and takes the bag of mail from the little guy. "Aw, damn, Elf-dude! I thought I was through with that bunch. Hell, let's see what they want..... Art Brooks wants a new Tony Stuart tuneable bodhran. Hey! Good choice there, Art ! Bee-dubya-ell wants a Jerry Read Smith chromatic hammer dulcimer! Hah! In your dreams dude! You're gonna have to be satisfied with a coupla sets of guitar strings just like last year! Sorcha wants an Amati fiddle. Hey, girl, did you hear what I just said to Bee? Rewind and play back. John From Hull wants a case of bears. So what else is new? Oakley wants the undying love of Miss Penelope Rutledge. Aw, Jeez, Oakley! I'm only Santa Cruz, not God! I can do the improbable, but the impossible's His field."

"Aw Hell! That's enough work for one day. Yo! Elf dude! Screw this shit. Let's take the sled out for a shakedown cruise. Yoke up them rain-deer. Yes, I said 'rain-deer'. I know your old boss up north has 'reindeer'. These aren't the same. These sumbitches are called 'rain-deer' 'cause they're too damned dumb to come in outta the rain. Got 'em ready! Okay, dude. Let's go find that Mudcat Tavern. I hear they've got Aurochs sausage with lots of garlic, free running Tequila, and women of questionable morals. Just my kind of place."

"On Gibson, on Fender, on Collings and Martin! On Breedlove, on Yamaha, Larivee and Lowden! Yeh, I know it doesn't quite rhyme. So, sue me, ya dipshits. Get movin' ya lazy damned things! No tellin' where them crazy fuckers have got that Mudcat Tavern parked."

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: GUEST,A. non
Date: 12 Dec 02 - 10:30 AM

So what did happen to the iceberg?

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: MMario
Date: 12 Dec 02 - 09:47 AM

*replenishes the aurochs platter; adding the roasted parsnips and the (washed VERY carefuly) steamed sprouts with almonds; ginger-honey candied baby carrots*

who would have thaught with an entiere aurochs we'd be running low on meat? This crowd can EAT! *pulls a cornish game hen from freezer* guess I'll have to try and stretch it out.

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: artbrooks
Date: 12 Dec 02 - 09:36 AM

Two rather bedraggled spirits float in through one of the cracks in the door. One resembles a haggered, middle-aged single mother of eight and the other lookes as if she lived a long, cruel life and been buried for a week.

"What the heck time is it, anyway?" the apparently older of the two asks. "Mandylou had an appointment with some old fart called Ebenezer Leej at one AM, and I was supposed to haunt the bugger at two. We was down by the oak grove waiting our turn when Bronnie...that's Brunhilde to you...showed up with almost an entire Morris side. Boy! Ya shoulda seen what one of those old boys did with his damn bells! Anyway, we got distracted, and one of them borrowed my watch so the other ones wouldn't cheat, and we lost track of the time, and anyway, here we both are, so where's old Ebenezer?

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Dave Bryant
Date: 12 Dec 02 - 07:00 AM

Rustic Rebel sits down and bathes both of her nipples (at the same time) in the soothing mixture. "Good God !", cried one of the morris men (losing his place in the queue for the sheep) "Is that how they work ? - you fill them up like giant fountain pens !"

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Yorkshire Tony
Date: 12 Dec 02 - 06:15 AM

I have a doctorate in physical sciences - indeed I can be a very physical scientist when circumstances dictate. Now what did you want rubbing and where? Oh, and by the way, how old are you?

Old Camo has probably curled up back near the fire and Baileys by now - she knows a good thing when she sees one.

Where did the Morris dancers and the nature goddess get to? Does this place have upstairs rooms or convenient oak groves?

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Dead Horse
Date: 12 Dec 02 - 06:11 AM

No ice! That bloody stuff sank the Titanic!
Time for a monologue:-
Twas a cold winters night on a Liverpool quayside
In the years before the Great War
The world was in shock at the loss of Titanic
So proud had they been, days before.
Relatives gathered for news of their loved ones
To read through the list of the dead
When into the throng came a sad eyed old polar bear
And to the clerk at the counter he said......

(altogether now)

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Rustic Rebel
Date: 12 Dec 02 - 04:06 AM

I swear, men are so dependent on the nipple, from a babe to the grave.
Me thinks I've got 'Cat Scratch Fever' Is there a Dr. in the house?
Oh hell, just give me some lime and coconut, and mix 'em both up. I'll have a shot with that please bartender.

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Yorkshire Tony
Date: 12 Dec 02 - 03:37 AM

YTs aged tortie is decidedly dentally challenged - and incidentally over the legal drinking age in Australia and many other countries. The chameleon is pretty safe in her company - she even retired from mousing some years ago.

I was expecting a little more reaction from the nature goddess (perhaps she enjoys multiple morris interfaces) and rustic rebel.

Anyone for a recitation or two? Hannrahan is very topical in Oz at the moment and I also do some Stanley Holloway.

Hey Liz - I do a pretty good back massage - no claws - you interested?

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: My guru always said
Date: 12 Dec 02 - 03:14 AM

'What a Ride!' exclaimed the Cats in Chorus, having sobered up pretty rapidly. 'This place is full of surprises' remarked Camo.

'There's more to these folks than meets the eye. I'm off to work the room, leave the Chameleons alone while I'm gone, they're not lizards, honest!' And the Tabby trotted warily out to investigate the happy people & face the music head-on.

'What Chameleons? These flashing lights are making me dizzy - think I'll just snooze for a while' Camo thought fuzzily - this Grand Old Tom wasn't called 'Lizard Strike' for nothing!

The music drew her ever onwards into the crowded bar, whiskers a-twitching & paws a-jumping. So many fine songs & tunes & all together in one place!

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 12 Dec 02 - 03:00 AM

Hey there puss, want to earn more Baileys than you could shake a leather mouse at? Come here and let me teach you a little trick my owner Maximus Gluteous does.... just watch the claws in the lace inserts....

Did the sprouts arrive yet? I ordered them for the jello pit, thought it would make a nice festive change, and no-one actually likes cranberries.

Will the hon. member for SPEWED accept another drinkiepoos? I rescued the bottle from the cats... now if I could just stop the chameleons from getting too close to the cats, WOW - cool!!! A calico chameleon... er.... should lizards and mammals be able to do that?

Any one got some ice water?

Ah.

Well, THOSE kittens will have to be bottle fed.....

Who's for a rousing chorus of 'look the other way, the cat's done something rude'..?

So when do Skip and Oakley perform again? I don't remember the last performance.... too busy helping Morty get the pine needles out.. I thought she went a bit quiet.. I just thought she was in abject agony, that was a particularly spiky tree....

Ah well.. time for a snooze.. shift over kitty chameleon, let me lay my head down it that bowl of Baileys and sleep the work hours away.

Wake me up when the custard stops.

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Yorkshire Tony
Date: 12 Dec 02 - 02:28 AM

The Morris men break off accosting the inflatable sheep and exotic dancer to contemplate the druidess with long blond hair - then immediately perform a dance around her before attempting to make off with her for further activities in the spitit of the Old Old Ways.

The tequila enhanced rustic rebel gets a shock to find that "my guru" is in fact a female tabby cat who, along with her tortie friend, react the way that cats usually do to having 48" dangley things waved in front of them - the shrieks as she rise with a cat on each nipple have to be heard to be appreciated.

YT - ever helpfull to damsels in distress - removes the offending felines, returns then to their Baileys and velociraptor, then attempts to kiss the injured parts better.

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: mg
Date: 12 Dec 02 - 12:59 AM

And at midnight Mudcat time a beautiful apparition was seen by the good of heart...she looked like a Druidess in a berry red velvet with mistletoe in her long blond hair that had never been tamed with a curling iron....I am the spirit of the Old Old Ways and the Old Old Songs and the Old Old Stories. What say ye...

mg

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Lonesome EJ
Date: 12 Dec 02 - 12:51 AM

In a dark corner, Ebenezer Leej sits counting gold pieces and finishing off a crust of bread. MMario approaches and says "more bread, sir?" Leej gives him a phlegmatic look and snaps "is there a charge for it?" MMario blinks and says "ha'penny." Leej snarls "no more bread." He spits in the center of a gold sovereign and shines it on the sleeve of his greatcoat, holding it to catch the light. Up to the table, a garland of holly round his top hat, steps artbrooks, saying with bright good humor "a Merry Christmas to you Mr Leej!" but the old miser, flicking a moth off his moneybag, barks "Christmas! Humbug! Every fool who goes about with "a Merry Christmas" on his lips should be boiled in his own plum pudding and buried with a stake of holly through his heart!"

"Fine," replies artbrooks,'then go fuck yerself."

Leej is still searching for a clever rejoinder when every clock in the Mudcat Tavern begins to peel simultaneously. Suddenly, a clatter as of several hundred pounds of steel chain being dragged and dropped on the oaken floor outside the Tavern door hushes those inside. The door creaks open and there, amid a billowing cloud of mist produced by a fog machine he has plugged into the outlet on the front porch, stands a pale and ghastly figure cloaked in tattered raiment. The figure takes several lurching steps into the Tavern and by the light of the tallow candle, Leej makes out the hideous features, and says in solemn wonder "Peter T!"

"Ebenezer Leej," intones the specter. Leej continues "and have you been doomed to wander the earth, suffering most at this time of the rolling year?"

"You bet," says the ghost," and frankly I'm completely burned out on the entire process. Mind if I sit down?" Leej gestures to a stool and Peter T sits through it, crashing to the floor with a clamor of heavy chain." I somehow continue to overlook the fact my ass is completely unsubstantial," Peter T says, shaking his head in good natured disbelief. "In fact, I'm pretty much a figment of your imagination. You know, no more than a fragment of..of.." Leej finishes "an under-done potato?" The specter shakes its head "no..no, I was thinking mango. Maybe guava. Something tropical anyway. Anyhow, I'm here to offer you another chance."

"Chance? At what?"

"To experience the Spirit of Mudcat. Frankly, you're not listening to enough folk music."

"But what," replies Ebenezer Leej, "is "folk music" anyway?"

The grim figure stands bolt upright and howls hideously as Leej cowers in his chair. It extends a spectral, chain-decked arm and says "for the love of God, let's not get into that!" It turns amid the scraping of chain, money boxes, and several National Dobros across the floor, and says "you will be visited by three spirits this night. Expect the first at Midnight...the second as the the hour turns to One..and the third at the stroke of Two! Look to see me...no more." The figure vanishes through the door.

Leej reaches into his waistcoat pocket and with quivering fingers produces an ornate timepiece. "Gee. I wonder if he means Midnight Mudcat Time, or Mountain Standard..." The voice booms from beyond the door "now you're really starting to PISS me OFF!"

"Damn!" gulps Leej. "He's good."

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Tinker
Date: 11 Dec 02 - 10:46 PM

As the car pulled into the lots an old blues scratched it's way through the speakers....

I met a man last night, people he was just my size
I'm taking him home with me, to bake my cakes and pies
He's a kitchen mechanic, and he makes my biscuits rise
He use the best baking powder, and his biscuit's just my size

That man makes my bread rise, way late hours of the night
The kind of bread he serves me, I swear it's out of sight
People, people I found my type of man at last.
And he's just my size, and he ain't too dog gone fast.

"Lot's of good cookin' here abouts," she said with a slow satisfied smile. But, as she stepped out of the car she tripped over a fireman's helmet and slid towards the door on a trail of lime jello...

Subject: RE: BS: MUDCAT CHRISTMAS TAVERN '02
From: Amos
Date: 11 Dec 02 - 10:28 PM

ROTFLMdamnedAO, you guys!!!

A