Lyr Req: two ronnies parody songs

Subject: Lyr Req: two ronnies parody songs
From: GUEST,Goldcrest 307955
Date: 22 Feb 07 - 08:01 AM

Does anyone have the lyrics to ANY of the two ronnies parody songs?
I've looked everywhere but all i've come up with is people talking about them, not the lyrics.
All lyrics welcome!

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: two ronnies parody songs
From: Geordie-Peorgie
Date: 22 Feb 07 - 08:27 AM

Aah used te hev a coupla albums - One wez 'Big Jim Jehosophat & Fatbelly Jones' (Two C&W Cowboys) and another with the 2R's songs on

Aah'll hev a look in the loft

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: two ronnies parody songs
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 22 Feb 07 - 08:45 AM

I have the Jehosophat and Jones LP but from what I see, they aren't parodies but comic songs in their own right.

I think the original poster Goldcrest is after the parodies or lyrics they put to popular tunes during the shows, a la the 'char ladies' doing percussion on their cleaning trolley to the Can-can.

LTS

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: two ronnies parody songs
From: Scrump
Date: 22 Feb 07 - 08:52 AM

I'm sure some of them have been mentioned in Mudcat before, but I've no idea where (try searching for "Two Ronnies" or something?) (Don't ask me, whenever I search Mudcat I can never find what I want).

The one I remember best was a Gilbert & Sullivan spoof, with a parody of "A Policeman's Lot Is Not A Happy One" (IIRC). The last few syllables of each line were repeated, and one verse ended with the words (something like) "...along some far canal". The repeated words by the other Ronnie were "Far Canal" (geddit?)

This appeared on a BBC LP of 2Rs musical items from the TV shows, but was mysteriously edited down to remove some of the best lines including the above one. I can't imagine why they found it necessary to do this on an LP, when it had been broadcast on prime time Saturday night TV in front of millions.

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: two ronnies parody songs
From: Geordie-Peorgie
Date: 22 Feb 07 - 09:25 AM

Aah've found MP3's of

The Brass Band - words put to some of the best known Marching songs
The Plumstead Ladies Male Voice Choir - Parodies on English Trad Songs (Nymphs & Shepherds etc)
Gilbert & Sullivan - Parodies of some of the best G&S songs

PM uz if ye want

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: two ronnies parody songs
From: Scrump
Date: 22 Feb 07 - 09:33 AM

G-P, does the G&S one contain the bit I referred to above?

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: two ronnies parody songs
From: Mr Red
Date: 22 Feb 07 - 10:26 AM

search here DT and forum rather than thread name. - Bold Sir John is definitely around.

Bold Sir John

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: two ronnies parody songs
From: GUEST,Padraig
Date: 22 Feb 07 - 11:55 AM

As a side note that those who have appreciated for years the artistry of the two Ronnie's. I heard the other night that Ronnie Barkers funeral was led by four alter persons carrying four candles, if your as old as me to remember the famous sketch [fork handles]; how appropriate!

Regards

Padraig

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: two ronnies parody songs
From: Scrump
Date: 22 Feb 07 - 12:08 PM

Ta for the link Mr Red. There's a reference to the "Far Canal" bit in there too. It's a mystery what happened to that verse. If anyone knows the full lyrics please post 'em.

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: two ronnies parody songs
From: GUEST,CuriousClouseau
Date: 22 Feb 07 - 01:12 PM

I posted up the full lyrics that I have of the "Gilbert & Sullivan" on this thread along with a few more of their songs.

I have a good amount of the musicals performed on the Two Ronnies show which I will get around to typing out soon. One in particular is a gym musical with both of them in drag which is hilarious!

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: two ronnies parody songs
From: GUEST,CuriousClouseau
Date: 22 Feb 07 - 01:16 PM

Does anyone know if the BBC is planning on releasing the full series on DVD in the near future? "The Best Of" DVD's are ok but I would prefer to see them releasing each series in its entirety.

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: two ronnies parody songs
From: Geordie-Peorgie
Date: 22 Feb 07 - 06:16 PM

Aye Scrump! It does but Curious Clouseau apparently beat me to it!

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: two ronnies parody songs
From: Bert
Date: 22 Feb 07 - 07:01 PM

There must be lyrics somewhere. Come on Catters where are they?

There were some great ones

Effingham Hall (and we're betting he still keeps Effingham Hall)
The Country & Western one where they were sitting on a corral rail
The Welsh Miners
The Rock Stars (I don't clean out me rabbits)

Subject: Lyr Add: IT PAYS TO LISTEN (Ronnie Barker)
From: GUEST,Curious Clouseau
Date: 25 Feb 07 - 01:49 PM

Here is a song written by Ronnie Barker that featured on "Ronnie Barker's - Unbroken British Record" :

IT PAYS TO LISTEN
(Ronnie Barker)

There's a corner of old Ireland that is all the world to me
And I visit it as often as I can
And all I have to do is catch a bus from North West tree
To Camden town to see me Uncle Dan
He's an ugly man is uncle with a face like a carbuncle
I'll tell you why says he twill break your hearts
The fact is I must mention cause I didn't pay attention
When the Angels were a handin' round the parts

When the angels gave out brains, I thought that they said trains
And I missed mine as I usually do
When they handed out the eyes, I thought that they said ties
And I asked for one of brown and one of blue
When they passed out the chins, I thought that they said gins
And I ordered a double one for me
When they gave out the noses, I thought that they said roses
And I chose a great big red one as you see

CHORUS:
Oh what a mess I'm in
Oh what a mess I'm in
If only I had listened to them angels when they spoke
I would not be in the mess that I am in

When the angels gave out hair, I thought they said fresh air
And so I asked for plenty up me nose
When they gave out the bellies, I thought that they said jellies
So a great big pink and wobbly one I chose
When they gave out the ears, I thought that they said beers
So I ordered mine with handles on instead
When they gave out the necks, I thought that they said sex
And now I'm old I can't hold up me head

CHORUS:
Oh what a mess I'm in
Oh what a mess I'm in
If only I had listened to them angels when they spoke
I would not be in the mess that I am in
If only I had listened to them angels when they spoke
I would not be in the mess that I am in

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: two ronnies parody songs
From: GUEST,Bill the sound
Date: 25 Feb 07 - 08:18 PM

Look on www.monologues.co.uk then click on comic songs on the right hand side of screen. There is at least one of Ronnie Barkers parodies plus loads of funny stuff.

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: two ronnies parody songs
From: Mr Red
Date: 26 Feb 07 - 08:00 AM

Guest Curious Clouseau's link to http://www.mudcat.org/thread.cfm?threadid=1750#1140751

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: two ronnies parody songs
From: alison
Date: 26 Feb 07 - 11:52 PM

the one I always remember is them as two fishmongers singing "Hake, Haddock & Sole"

slainte

alison

Subject: Lyr Add: UM PAH SONG
From: GUEST,Curious Clouseau
Date: 02 Mar 07 - 01:43 PM

Here is a song that was contained in "The Scouts Jamboree Show" Medley:
UM PAH SONG

Um PAH dee, Um pah day
Here's a silly game top play
When you sing an old-time song
Change the words as you go along:
Um pah doe, Um pah dee
It's so simple, you'll agree
But in this life, if you know where to go
You'll have a lot of fun with your um pah doe


CHORUS:

Um pah ding, Um pah dong
Sin these words and you can't go wrong
Um pah Um pah Um pah doo
And an Um pah do to you


Little Jack Horner sat in the corner
Eating his Christmas Pie
He put in his thumb, and pulled out a plumb
As big as his Um pah die

Twinkle Twinkle little star
How I wonder what you are
Up above the sky so high
You remind me of my Um pah die

CHORUS

Mary Mary, quiet contrary
How does your garden grow
With silver bells and cockle shells
And plenty of Um pah doe

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water
Jack fell down and broke his crown
And Jill let her Um pah day's fall down

CHORUS

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: two ronnies parody songs
From: Mallorca Bob
Date: 06 Jun 07 - 01:02 PM

I used to be in a comedy band in Bristol UK called "Bollards".
We used to perform lots of these types of songs including "Stuttering Bums". Do you want the lyrics?

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: two ronnies parody songs
From: Don(Wyziwyg)T
Date: 06 Jun 07 - 01:24 PM

I remember Bollards Bob. Abso-bloody-lutely hilarious. I often wondered what became of you all.

A propos of the two Rons, I could probably supply most of the Jehosaphat & Jones by E-Mail or on CD

Don T.

Subject: Two ronnies parody songs
From: GUEST
Date: 27 Jan 11 - 05:28 PM

Pleeeaaase - does anyone anywhere have a copy of this Ronnie Barker track "It pays to listen"? I would be amazingly grateful if I could hear how it goes. Anyone out there that can help me? Thanks

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: two ronnies parody songs
From: Murray MacLeod
Date: 28 Jan 11 - 02:03 PM

If you go Here you will see and hear a version of the song "It pays to Listen" sung by a Welsh gentleman whose identity, I have to confess, I am unaware of, but his YouTube ID is "snowyballs".

I imagine his rendition is similar to Ronnie Barker's.

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: two ronnies parody songs
From: GUEST,illfolks
Date: 29 Jan 11 - 01:04 AM

Replying to Clouseau, yes, a year or so after you made your plea, the BBC began issuing THE TWO RONNIES, season by season.

So we can now see the full hour shows, with all the padding (a singer's guest spot, even dancers who were no match for Benny Hill's Angels.) A lot of great stuff, especially longer sketches, will be new to you.

The catch is that they are in Region 2 PAL format via Amazon.com/uk, the British Amazon site. But all region DVD players are pretty easy to find now. Since the first 6 or 7 volumes have been out for a long time, you can start collecting at low prices, with many dealers trying to get rid of their stock, and used copies becoming plentiful.

PS, Ronnie Barker's songs "Not Round Here" and "Billy Pratt's Bananas" are on the illfolks blog:

http://illfolks.blogspot.com/2010/09/saluting-ronnie-barker-billy-pratts.html

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: two ronnies parody songs
From: GUEST
Date: 06 Feb 12 - 09:34 AM

A friend of mine has been looking up the lyrics to "Oh Jemima look at your Uncle Jim" (probably a playground song set to the Soldiers' Chorus from Faust); since I don't know any Gounod I was reminded of quite a good 2Rs song set to that, with their trademark slightly-pompous verses undercut by an innuendo-filled/comic last line. But I can't remember any of the words. Can anyone else?

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: two ronnies parody songs
From: GUEST
Date: 06 Feb 12 - 10:13 AM

Following up on my own request, I did find it under Youtube as part of the 'Aldershot Brass Band", and it's amazingly short for something I actually remember: 5 lines.

RC: I don't half fancy a drink meself
RB: They should put beer on the National Elf
RC: You'd see a diff-er-ent show tonight.
The band would get pissed on Mozart and Liszt...
RB: You're prob-ably right!

(hyphenation added to fit with metre/emphasis/tune)

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: two ronnies parody songs
From: banjoman
Date: 07 Feb 12 - 06:03 AM

Saw Ronnie Barker years ago doing a song called Do they play Country Music in heaven

I used this for years afterwards.

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: two ronnies parody songs
From: GUEST,JTC
Date: 10 May 12 - 04:56 AM

The book 'All I Ever Wrote: The Complete Works' does what it says on the tin. Robbie B's song lyrics are all contained therein.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/All-Ever-Wrote-Complete-Works/dp/0283073349

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: two ronnies parody songs
From: GUEST,Judi Tully
Date: 07 Sep 13 - 09:15 AM

Does anyone remember the song Ronnie Barker sang to Ronnie Corbett on one of their shows which went:-

Stand up and fight you rotten little pest,
Stand toe to toe, stand nose to chest?

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: two ronnies parody songs
From: GUEST,Chris
Date: 25 Jul 15 - 05:25 AM

OK, this thread is a bit old but some words...

To Polly Wolly Doodle - Mr Barker sings:

Now my little sister polly
she is really very jolly
she went out and bought a dog the other day
Its a poodle and its wooly
and she pulls it on a pully
singing polly's wooly poodle all the way

People popped into the parlour,
to see polly's wooly poodle,
with a bowl of chicken noodle on a tray
Saying polly dearest poodle please your pretty little poodle,
She was popular with people right away.

Sad to say, came the day
pollys reputation fell completely flat
when the parson and his daughter
sang the parting of the water
pollys poodle did a puddle on the mat.

From the short-and-fat minstrel show.

Also from there....

Way down upon the Swanee River, I met Kate McGuire,
Two onions and a pound of liver, that's how she won my desire.
She knew just how to cook my dinner, oh hush my mouth,
No chance of ever getting thinner, down in the deep fried south.
All the steaks were rich and fatty, all the beans were tinned.
That's why my heart is burning ever, that's why I'm 'gone with the wind'.

Oh, and a Ronnie Corbett one:

I looked cross the water and what did I see-e,
Lying on the seafront at home*
A girl with a bust that measured 63,
Looked like St Peters in Rome.
Her name was Harriot, a stripper at the Hippodrome.
Swing low, sweet Harriot.
Took four men to carry her home.

(*not sure about the first home - might have been something else).

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: two ronnies parody songs
From: GUEST,chris
Date: 25 Jul 15 - 05:41 AM

Oh, Aldershot Brass Band....

Where did you get that hat?
I got it from the stores.
Isn't it a little one, I think it might be yours.
I have got a big one...
I'm quite sure of that.
I didn't mean my flaming head
and I didn't mean your hat!

Will post more as/if I remember. Haven't seen them for ages but loved them all.

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: two ronnies parody songs
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 26 Jul 15 - 03:49 AM

Used greatly to enjoy The Two Ronnies. Mr Corbett a very gifted comic. Ronnie Barker, I always thought on evidence of shows he did like Porridge &c, could have emerged as a really great actor, someone in the class of Gielgud or Olivier or McKellen. I should dearly have loved, just once, to have seen him play King Lear - as that other great actor, Warren Mitchell, did!

≈M≈

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: two ronnies parody songs
From: GUEST,WereWoof
Date: 05 Nov 15 - 12:30 PM

The lyrics for Do They Play Country Music in Heaven are here;
https://books.google.co.uk/books?id=zOSsCAAAQBAJ&pg=PT680&lpg=PT680&dq=do+they+play+country+music+in+heaven&source=bl&ots=_HqrlAwJ1N&sig=XOIOQESiFfG31O9oL-ktAFIb8Vs&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0CDIQ6AEwA2oVChMI_vCIrOb5yAIVS-caCh3Rwgvs#v=onepage&q=do%20they%20play%20country%20music%20in%20heaven&f=false

Subject: Lyr Add: COUNTRY HEAVEN (Ronnie Barker)
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 08 Nov 15 - 11:12 PM

I copied these lyrics from All I Ever Wrote: The Complete Works by Ronnie Barker (Random House, 2015) and added stanza breaks (it was printed without them).


COUNTRY HEAVEN
R[onnie] B[arker] as rather swarthy, scruffy singer with guitar and mouth organ.
Caption: Lightweight Louie Danvers

An old country singer lay dying
At the end of a long, weary life,
And he lay with his loved ones around him:
Three dogs, seven horse, and a wife.
"O Mary, the voices are calling.
They're calling and telling me to go,
But before I set out on my journey,
There one thing that I gotta know:

CHORUS: "Do they play country music in Heaven?
Are there still four square beats to a bar?
Can I find a backing group amongst the angels?
Can I swap my plucking harp for a guitar?
'Cos I can't, I just can't leave my music.
It's the thing that has served me so well;
So if I can't play my music in Heaven,
I'll go play my music in Hell."

And with that, he lay back on his pillow
With a sad dreamy look in his eye,
And his soul saddled up and departed
For that pearly stockade in the sky.
And there stood St Peter a-waiting,
And he opened those big rhinestone gates.
"But before I go in," said the singer,
"St Peter, I must know my fate."

CHORUS

"Come inside now," said Peter, "and rest you.
Change out of them dirty old things.
Try these breeches of snowy white buckskin
And a waistcoat with slits for your wings.
Yes, you can play your music in Heaven—
And your gee-tar is safe in your hands.
There is no room in Hell for a singer
'Cos it's too full of rock-and-roll bands."

CHORUS: So he played country music in Heaven,
And there were four square beats to the bar,
And he found a backing group among the angels,
And he swapped his plucking harp for a guitar.

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: two ronnies parody songs
From: GUEST,Geoff
Date: 10 Mar 16 - 06:09 PM

I used to own a copy of (I think) "The Ronnie Barker Songbook" which contained the song

"All Sorts" about "the sights you'll see - on a seaside holiday!"

Very funny - i guess it's in the Everything i ever wrote book.

Geoff

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: two ronnies parody songs
From: GUEST,Ed
Date: 11 Jun 17 - 02:19 PM

Lyrics to their famous 'Aldershot Brass Band'

"__" signifies change of tune

Barker: Evening Jack and how are you?

Corbett: Fine how's yourself-

Barker: Don't ask me.

Barker: Mavis put me on a diet, she says if my tum gets bigger, I'll be too fat to reach the drum, Jack, and lot's of other things as well.

Barker: Tell me how's your love life Jack?

Corbett: Full of the joys of Spring mate-

Barker: Is it still that six-foot brunette, the one with the enormous...

Corbett: Yes her name is MaryJane, she works at the mattress factory she says life like a bed is what you make it, as long as you take it lying down. __

Corbett: Where did you get that hat?

Barker: I got it from the stores, isn't it a little one I think it must be yours-

Corbett: I have got a big one-

Barker: I'm quite sure of that.

Corbett: I didn't mean my flaming head-

Barker: And I didn't mean your hat.

__

Corbett: Old Herbert's drunk again, he's well away. He's got a bottle with a rubber tube poked down his trousers. He sits then plays away-

Barker: With any luck, we'll all get showered with scotch if he decides to blow instead of suck.

__

Corbett: I don't half fancy a drink myself.

Barker: They should put beer on the national health.

Corbett: You'd see a different show tonight, the band would get hissed and Mozart and Liszt-

Barker: Your probably right.

__

Barker: As soon as we both finish here, why don't we have a meal round the Chinese, or else I shall go off me nut, 'cause my stomach thinks my throat's been cut.

Corbett: I'd much rather go round the pub, to refloat my kidney that is sinking, I don't want to fill up with grub, that little space that I've reserved to pour some drink in.

__

Corbett: Ain't it a pity the pubs in the city all close at half past ten, if I had the power they'd close for an hour and open up again. I could get chronic on vodka and tonic til anytime I like, and while the policeman watched me car I'd nip home on his bike.

Barker: Oh how I'd love to eat anything I wanted, bangers and beans, and enormous lumps of fried bread, then choppered chips, and steak and kidney pies, by a girl who loves cooking who's big and good-looking whose dumplings are double the size-

(those two together)

Both: -and then we'd all have a damn good time!

Barker: All peaches and cream-

Corbett: Then vodka and lime

Both: To eat and drink and to be in prime, enough is enough let's go and get stuffed together.

__

Barker: Prawn chopped suet and a chicken fritter-

Corbett: Large Drambuie and a pint of bitter, Corkscrews and waiters-

Barker: Roast potatoes, hurry up and finish with these bleedin' gladiators-

Corbett: Weak Peapicker, a Napoleon Brandy, two dry sherries and a half a shandy-

Barker: I'll run-a-muck, two crispy duck!

Corbett: Wishing you the best of luck!

__

Barker: Herbert's drunk so much he can hardly stand-

Corbett: I have got a rather similar occasion planned.

Both: So before it all gets out of hand, it's goodnight from the boys in the band!

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: two ronnies parody songs
From: Senoufou
Date: 11 Jun 17 - 02:35 PM

Ah well done GuestEd!! I adore these Two Ronnies musical items!
This one is on Youtube, and I must have watched it dozens of times.
"The one with the enormous..(bish! bang! bish! bang!) has me in stitches every time.

Do you know 'Bold Sir John'? (After a hilarious Morris dancing display, they sing the song with repeating half-words. Also on Youtube)