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Christmas Parodies I

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Banjer 02 Dec 00 - 01:14 AM
Haruo 02 Dec 00 - 01:47 AM
Haruo 02 Dec 00 - 01:52 AM
bill\sables 02 Dec 00 - 05:40 AM
bill\sables 02 Dec 00 - 05:43 AM
MARINER 02 Dec 00 - 06:26 AM
sophocleese 02 Dec 00 - 11:04 AM
Clinton Hammond2 02 Dec 00 - 12:48 PM
John P 02 Dec 00 - 04:29 PM
Haruo 02 Dec 00 - 04:31 PM
Haruo 02 Dec 00 - 04:35 PM
Zebedee 02 Dec 00 - 04:57 PM
sophocleese 02 Dec 00 - 06:38 PM
John Routledge 02 Dec 00 - 06:53 PM
Stewart 02 Dec 00 - 07:31 PM
GUEST,JennieGwhohasnowresethercookie.. 02 Dec 00 - 09:05 PM
GUEST,JennieGagain 02 Dec 00 - 09:06 PM
Bill D 02 Dec 00 - 09:12 PM
Ebbie 03 Dec 00 - 01:16 AM
catspaw49 03 Dec 00 - 01:37 AM
Banjer 03 Dec 00 - 03:45 AM
Sooz 03 Dec 00 - 05:40 AM
GUEST,Reggie Miles 03 Dec 00 - 07:24 AM
John P 03 Dec 00 - 08:19 AM
reggie miles 03 Dec 00 - 09:55 AM
Banjer 03 Dec 00 - 10:22 AM
dick greenhaus 03 Dec 00 - 11:11 AM
Snuffy 03 Dec 00 - 01:20 PM
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Wolfgang 04 Dec 00 - 10:33 AM
GUEST,Ed 04 Dec 00 - 11:22 AM
MMario 04 Dec 00 - 11:51 AM
MMario 04 Dec 00 - 12:14 PM
sophocleese 04 Dec 00 - 12:17 PM
GeorgeH 04 Dec 00 - 12:23 PM
MMario 04 Dec 00 - 12:34 PM
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Banjer 04 Dec 00 - 08:33 PM
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Subject: Christmas Parodies
From: Banjer
Date: 02 Dec 00 - 01:14 AM

Ah it's that time of year again! It's beginnig to look a lot like Christmas (there's a song in there somewhere) You folks in the Northern lands have snow on the ground to tell you that Christmas time is almost here. In the South we gauge how close Christmas is by how many storage trailers are stacked up behind our local Wal-Mart. This is also the time of year that many of us start singing some of the Christmas carols we learned in our youth. I'm talkin the really good ones, not the goody two shoes versions that we had to learn in school. One that comes to mind is the old favorite from the time when Alvin and Theodore were making their presence known:

Chipmunks roasting on an open fire
Jack Frost picking at his nose
Santa came down the wrong chimmeny again
That's the way shit goes....

Do any others come to mind? Share them with us all in the spirit of the season...


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: Haruo
Date: 02 Dec 00 - 01:47 AM

I like Deck Us All (which is in the Digitrad).

Liland


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: Haruo
Date: 02 Dec 00 - 01:52 AM

And my dad always sang something that went "Hark the herald angels sing, Beecham's pills are just the thing! One for man and two for child, oh, they work so meek and mild." (I don't recall that it went beyond that point, and it's not all that exciting as it stands but may have possibilities as a base on which to build.) He was a Baptist minister whose musical career began as a high-school student at church camp singing a falsetto "Bird in a Gilded Cage".

See recent thread on Tom Lehrer for link to his Xmas outrage.

Liland


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: bill\sables
Date: 02 Dec 00 - 05:40 AM

Hi Liland the pone you are probablt thinking of is one I learned at school but not from the teachers

Hark the herald angels sing
Beechams pills are just the thing
Move ye gently meek and mild
Two for an adult one for a child
Regular administration
just the thing for constipation
How can man to are aspire
When his soul is not on fire
How can man to atr aspire
when his hole is not on fire

Bill


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: bill\sables
Date: 02 Dec 00 - 05:43 AM

My spelling is shit the above words are supposed to read "the one you are probably thinking of "


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: MARINER
Date: 02 Dec 00 - 06:26 AM

To my mind the best Christmas parody of all time is Frank Kelly's ( Father Jack of Fr.Ted fame) parody on the Twelve Days of Christmas called I think, Christmas Countdown. It actually topped the charts in Ireland on its first release and also charted on subsequent releases. I don't know if its still available but if it is,get and listen, its probably one of the funniest parodies ever put on vinyl. Mariner


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: sophocleese
Date: 02 Dec 00 - 11:04 AM

We three kings of Orient are
Smoking on a trick cigar.....BANG!!

We two kings of Orient are
Smoking on a trick cigar.....BANG!!

I a king of Orient are
Smoking on a trick cigar.....BANG! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Silent night, holy night.....


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Subject: Lyr Add: SANTA IS RETIRING (parody)
From: Clinton Hammond2
Date: 02 Dec 00 - 12:48 PM

SANTA IS RETIRING

They passed a law at Yule Tide
You have to stop work at 65
So Santa is retiring this year
He tried to hang on but what could he do
Someone found out he's 402
So Santa is retiring this year

The women's groups were saying
That he should be a her
Animal rights groups say his suit
Should not be trimmed with fur

It ain't fair, it ain't right
To fire a guy cause his hair is white
But Santa is retiring this year
I guess he'll live Sure he'll be O.K.
Red's not his colour anyway
So Santa is retiring this year

They won't give him a pension
It's makes you want to cry
They say he only worked one day
So he doesn't qualify

Of all the cut-backs it's the last straw
They're down sizing Santa Claus
Santa is retiring this year
In the future I guess we'll
All have to sit on Jean Chretien's knee

Cause Santa is retiring and they won't be rehiring
In Canada itself where they're cutting back on elf-care
Santa is retiring this year

To the tune of Santa Claus Is Coming To Town

;-)


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: John P
Date: 02 Dec 00 - 04:29 PM

I have a hazy memory of singing this in high school:

"Angels, we have heard, get high
They get high, so why can't I?"

We never got around to finishing it . . .


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Subject: bill/sables, what's that other word?
From: Haruo
Date: 02 Dec 00 - 04:31 PM

Thanks for your version of

Hark the herald angels sing
Beechams pills are just the thing

but what is the word before "aspire" in

How can man to are aspire
When his soul is not on fire, ... and
How can man to atr aspire
when his hole is not on fire

Eh?

Liland


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: Haruo
Date: 02 Dec 00 - 04:35 PM

Here in Seattle we just got through the anniversary of our WTO uproar with a minimum of renewed violence, and the pastor (I'm posting from the church computer, we're Hanging the Greens today) who is a Bush Republican type was just singing snatches (all he knows) of a "Silver Bells" parody that includes the line "it's rioting time in the city". He says it dates from last year. Anybody know the whole thing?

Liland


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: Zebedee
Date: 02 Dec 00 - 04:57 PM

"Jingle Bells, Batman smells, Robin flew away"

Not great, not amusing, but a childhood memory...


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: sophocleese
Date: 02 Dec 00 - 06:38 PM

Chorus for The First Noel

No ale, no beer, no wine, no stout,
Born is the king with his shirt hanging out.

That's all I was taught, its possible there is more but my older brothers wouldn't teach it to me.


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: John Routledge
Date: 02 Dec 00 - 06:53 PM

While shepherds washed their socks by night - All seated round the pot - The angel of the Lord came down - And scoffed the blooming lot.

To the tune While shepherds watched their flocks by night.

Happy childhood !!

Geordie Broon


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Subject: Lyr Add: GOD REST YE UNITARIANS (parody)
From: Stewart
Date: 02 Dec 00 - 07:31 PM

Here's one for all you Unitarians.
GOD REST YE UNITARIANS

God rest ye Unitarians, let nothing you dismay,
Remember there's no evidence there was a Christmas Day,
When Christ was born just is not known, no matter what men say.

Glad tidings of reason and fact, reason and fact,
Glad tidings of reason and fact.

There was no star of Bethlehem, there was no angel song,
There could have been no wisemen for the journey was too long,
The stories in the Bible are historically wrong.

Glad tidings of reason and fact, reason and fact,
Glad tidings of reason and fact.

Much of our Christmas custom comes from Persia and from Greece,
From solstice celebrations of the ancient middle east,
We know our so-called holiday is but a pagan feast.

Glad tidings of reason and fact, reason and fact,
Glad tidings of reason and fact.

Cheers, S. in Seattle


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: GUEST,JennieGwhohasnowresethercookie..
Date: 02 Dec 00 - 09:05 PM

G'day all,
We used to sing this here in Oz when I was a fair bit younger:
While shepherds washed their socks by night
All seated on the ground
A bar of Sunlight soap
And bubbles floated round
My kids had one to "Deck the Halls" too, but I can't remember it all - something to do with burning the school down!
Bah humbug
JennieG


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: GUEST,JennieGagain
Date: 02 Dec 00 - 09:06 PM

Sorry - the third line should have read
A bar of Sunlight soap came down
Fingers typing quicker than brain thinking...
JennieG


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: Bill D
Date: 02 Dec 00 - 09:12 PM

and who remembers Walt Kelly taking many weeks of manipulating story lines in "Pogo" to build up to the punch line...

"yes, Santa Claus, there IS a Virginia"?


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: Ebbie
Date: 03 Dec 00 - 01:16 AM

Liland, since Bill hasn't got back to us yet, in context it looks like the word in both cases should be 'art'.

Ebbie


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Subject: Lyr Add: WALKING 'ROUND IN WOMEN'S UNDERWEAR^^^
From: catspaw49
Date: 03 Dec 00 - 01:37 AM

WALKING 'ROUND IN WOMEN'S UNDERWEAR
(Tune: Walking In a Winter Wonderland)

Lacy things the wife is missin'
Didn't ask for her permission
I'm wearin' her clothes, silk pantyhose
Walkin' round in woman's underwear

In the store there's a teddy
With little straps like spagetti
It hold me in tight, like handcuffs at night
Walkin' round in woman's underwear

In the office there's a guy named Melvin
He pretends that I am Murphy Brown
He'll say are you ready, I'll say whoa man
Let's wait until the wife is out of town

Later on if you wanna
We can dress like Madonna
Put on some eyeshade and join the parade
Walkin' round in woman's underwear
Walkin' round in woman's underwear
Walkin' round in woman's underwear

----A personal favorite.

Spaw ^^^ [grin]


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Subject: Lyr Add: CHRISTMAS IN VIETNAM / JUNGLE BELLS
From: Banjer
Date: 03 Dec 00 - 03:45 AM

If my HTML works right this should show up as verse and chorus. Otherwise please use the imagination and sort it out.

CHRISTMAS IN VIETNAM
Jungle Bells

Dashing through the mud, in a Jeep that should be junk,
O'er the roads we go, half of us are drunk.
Wheels on dirt roads bounce, making asses sore,
Lord I'd sooner go to hell than finish out this tour.

CHORUS: Jungle bells, mortar shells, VC in the grass,
We'll get no Merry Christmas cheer until this year has passed,
Jungle bells, mortar shells, VC in the grass,
Take your Merry Christmas cheer and shove it up your ass.

Christmas time is here, as everybody knows,
People think it's dear, GI's think it blows,
All at home are gay, children are at play,
While we are stuck out here, so very far away. CHORUS

The moral of this song, it's plain as it can be,
Please no midnight carols sing and screw your Christmas tree.
There's one thing left to say, before we have to leave,
Vietnam is not the place, to be on Christmas eve. CHORUS


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Subject: Lyr Add: THE CHRISTMAS FOOD HYGIENE CAROL
From: Sooz
Date: 03 Dec 00 - 05:40 AM

Here's my favourite:
THE CHRISTMAS FOOD HYGIENE CAROL
©John Stothard and lan Clarke 1987

Good King Wenceslas looked out on the feast of Steven
Ever since he's been in bed with his insides heaving
He didn't cook his turkey right, he let the bugs keep growing
It didn't cook right through you see, and now it's got him go-o-oing

God rest you merry gentlemen, let nothing you dismay,
Though some of you may well be ill soon after Christmas day.
If you don't thaw your meat right out, the bugs will make you pay,
Oh Ignore our warnings if you dare, if you dare,
Oh, ignore our warnings if you dare.

On the worst day of Christmas my true love gave to me
Food Poisoning, a dose of trots, pains in the tum
A very sore head,
And a week in the infirmary.

Dashing through the snow, rushing to the loo
Through the house we go, heaving all the way
It really isn't fair, if only we had known
If the trifle had been in the fridge, the bugs would not have grown.
Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way
Oh how cruel it is to have the runs on Christmas day
Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way
Use the fridge to keep food cool, stay safe on Christmas day

When you cook your Christmas fare, please follow the instructions
If you don't you may end up with terrible constrictions
May we remind you one and all that care with food is vital
Ignore our warnings if you will, the danger's intestinal.

Take heed and have an excellent festive season!


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Subject: Lyr Add: OH COME GET A FACE-FULL (parody)
From: GUEST,Reggie Miles
Date: 03 Dec 00 - 07:24 AM

A little ditty I whipped up in honor of the Christmas feast. Sung to the tune of Oh Come All Ye Faithful-

OH COME GET A FACE-FULL

Oh come get a face-full.
Christmas dinner's ready.
Oh come eat, oh come eat, the turkey is done.
Potatoes and dressing, all smothered with gravy.
Eggnog and Christmas cookies,
pumpkin pie with whipped cream,
eat until your pants scream,
too tiiiiight, no more!


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: John P
Date: 03 Dec 00 - 08:19 AM

I can only remember the first line of this. Does anyone know any more? It was fairly popular around where I grew up in Michigan.

Good King Peptic Juice looked out
At the feast I'd eaten


P.S. I see there are some other folks from Seattle posting to this thread. Liland, are you at Fremont Baptist? I spend my days a couple of blocks over at Dusty Strings. Small world, huh? Reggie, is that you? Bluesman, formerly of Strangers With Candy? Stewart, I liked the Unitarian song -- it reminds me of the old joke that says the only time God gets mentioned in the Unitarian church is when the janitor accidently kicks the mop bucket over.

John Peekstok (of Telynor), Seattle


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: reggie miles
Date: 03 Dec 00 - 09:55 AM

Hey John! Happy Holidaze to you and Anna!


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: Banjer
Date: 03 Dec 00 - 10:22 AM

Yes,there are some really good parodies in here so far. I have to wonder though, is Catspaw telling us more than we really ever wanted to know about him? But hey, I guess if it's a good fit and there is nothing to put into a bind then what the heck, if it feels good.....etc., etc.....


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 03 Dec 00 - 11:11 AM

If you search DigiTrad for @parody @Xmas, you'll get 20 hits.

For a variant of Beecham's Pills, try a search for Ovaltine.


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Subject: Lyr Add: WHILE SHEPHERDS WASHED THEIR SOCKS BY...
From: Snuffy
Date: 03 Dec 00 - 01:20 PM

Yet another version - we used to sing:
While shepherds washed their socks by night
All seated round the tub
The angel of the Lord came down
And they began to scrub.

Not forgetting:
Good King Wenceslas knocked a bobby senseless
Right through Woolworth's window.
Up came a copper with a rusty gun
"Right, you beggar, I'll make you run"

Wassail! V


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 03 Dec 00 - 04:50 PM

My brother in law, then a military nurse with the RAMC, along with some "friends" once dressed an anatomy model up as Santa, stuck it in a wheelchair and wheeled it round the German hospital they were working in at the time, singing carols. When they got to the Psychiatric ward they sang 'God rest ye, Jerry Mentalmen'.... needless to say they were on guard duty all over Christmas....

LTS


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Subject: Lyr Add: WE THREE KINGS OF LEICESTER SQUARE
From: Bernard
Date: 03 Dec 00 - 05:00 PM

We Three Kings of Leicester Square
Selling knick-knacks, tuppence a pair.
They're fantastic - no elastic!
Buy your granny a pair...

O-oh!
Star of wonder, star of night
Sit on a box of dynamite
Light the fuse, away we go
Around the world to Mexico...


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Subject: Lyr Add: DECK US ALL WITH BOSTON CHARLIE
From: Abby Sale
Date: 04 Dec 00 - 12:20 AM

Liland: Some of it is. Here's more.

This is my least expertise but I wanted to post in time for any who wish to refresh themselves on the simple text in time for any Christmas show they may perform.

I think it's time to post America's favorite - perhaps the entire English-speaking world and Australia's favorite Christmas song. This was thoroughly researched by several Members of rec.music.folk to get definitive. There were several emendations and popular renditions have, of course, been subject to much variation through the Folk Process. This is the most widely available version:

(My ex-ex-ex-brother-in-law, Charlie from Boston's favorite song, for some reason.)
 

Deck us all with Boston Charlie,
Walla Walla, Wash., an' Kalamazoo!
Nora's freezin' on the trolley,
Swaller dollar cauliflower alley'garoo!

Don't we know archaic barrel,
Lullaby lilla boy, Louisville Lou?
Trolly Molly don't love Harold,
Boola boola Pensacoola hullabaloo!

Bark us all bow-wows of folly,
Polly wolly cracker n' too-da-loo!
Donkey Bonny brays a carol,
Antelope Cantaloupe, 'lope with you!

Hunky Dory's pop is lolly gaggin' on the wagon,
Willy, folly go through!
Chollie's collie barks at Barrow,
Harum scarum five alarum bung-a-loo!

Deck us all in bowls of barley,
Hinky dinky dink an' polly voo!
Chilly Filly's name is Chollie,
Chollie Filly's jolly chilly view halloo!

Bark us all bow-wows of folly,
Double-bubble, toyland trouble! Woof, Woof, Woof!
Tizzy seas on melon collie!
Dibble-dabble, scribble-scrabble! Goof, Goof, Goof!

  From the comic strip "Pogo" by Walt Kelly.
There were several revisions - this one as printed
in Outrageously Pogo, © 1985, Simon & Schuster.


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: GUEST,PoohBear
Date: 04 Dec 00 - 12:27 AM

From the SCA collection:

Silent knight, unconscious knight,
On the ground, lost the fight.
Mighty backhand from a broad sword.
Wielded by a white belted lord.
Sleep in heavenly peace. . .

Or. . .

We came upon a midnight clear and battered down the gates.
We stormed the halls and climbed the walls and broke up all the plates.
We burned the tapestries, beds, and chairs until we'd burned them all.
And when we'd burned all else in sight, we went and burned down the hall!


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Subject: Lyr Add: OH, CHRISTMAS TREE
From: GUEST,Al
Date: 04 Dec 00 - 01:31 AM

Here's one we made up to Oh, Christmas Tree

Oh Christmas tree Oh Christmas tree
Your loveliness amuses me
Oh Christmas tree Oh Christmas tree
Your days are numbered, can't you see?
You once were green but now you're brown
Your needles lying on the ground
You wonder why you're still around?
Better kindling can't be found!

p.s. Anybody got the words and chords to "Frosty the snowman"?


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: Seth
Date: 04 Dec 00 - 04:10 AM

My family has been singing "Deck Us All with Boston Charlie" for years, but my wife insists there is yet another Pogo carol " Good King Sauerkraut", but she can't recall the lyrics, if there were any. I say it was an extended dialouge between Albert, Churchy and Pogo about why good king Sauerkraut didn't invite the guy in from the cold, or give him some turkey, or something besides walk around with him in the snow, picking up sticks. YOu do that with the homeless people where I used to live, you might get your lights punched out. Anyway, does anyone know it? My kids always favored Alan Sherman's "Twelve Days of Christmas." Seth from China


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Subject: Lyr Add: HARK! THE JELLY BABIES SING
From: Bernard
Date: 04 Dec 00 - 09:18 AM

Hark! The Jelly Babies sing
Beecham's Pills are just the thing!
Safe, effective, strong yet mild
Two for an adult, one for a child
If you want to go tp Heaven
Take a dose of six or seven
If you want to go to Hell
Take the bloody box as well!
Hark! The Jelly Babies sing
Beecham's Pills are just the thing!

That's the version I know...


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: MMario
Date: 04 Dec 00 - 10:06 AM

So - would this be the place to post "Boris the blue-balled reindeer"?

or "What do you do with a Christmas turkey?"


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 04 Dec 00 - 10:17 AM

I don't recall that Good Kimg Sauerkraut ever got completed. As I recall,

Good king Sauerkraut went out Om his feets uneven. When the snoo lay all about....

And here someone would ask "What's snoo?" And be asnwered, "NBothing much. What's snoo with you?"


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: GUEST,John Leeder
Date: 04 Dec 00 - 10:24 AM

The Kipper Family have a terrific album of Christmas carol parodies, "Arrest These Merry Gentlemen".


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: Wolfgang
Date: 04 Dec 00 - 10:33 AM

Christmas comes but once a year (or: Thank Christ for Christmas

Wolfgang


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: GUEST,Ed
Date: 04 Dec 00 - 11:22 AM

MMario, post "What do you do with a Christmas turkey", please!


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Subject: Lyr Add: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH A CHRISTMAS GOOSE?
From: MMario
Date: 04 Dec 00 - 11:51 AM

since the piper insists on playing "What do you do with a drunken sailor" during our Christmas gig on the streets of Skaneatlas - I've come up with this Christmas song.

WHAT DO YOU DO WITH A CHRISTMAS GOOSE?
(Parody - What do you do with a drunken Sailor)

What do you do with a Christmas Goose?
What do you do with a Christmas Goose?
What do you do with a Christmas Goose?
Earl-i Christmas Morning?

First you pluck it then you baste it!
First you pluck it then you baste it!
First you pluck it then you baste it!
Earl-i Chritmas morning

Way-heigh, it's delicious!
Way-heigh, it's delicious!
Way-heigh, it's delicious!
Earl-i Christmas morning!

Then you stuff it and you bake it! [etc]

Carve it thin and serve with gravy![ETC]

That's what you do with a christmas goose![etc]


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: MMario
Date: 04 Dec 00 - 12:14 PM

oops! or turkey - whichever - depends on what gags we've had running beforehand....


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: sophocleese
Date: 04 Dec 00 - 12:17 PM

I want Boris, I want Boris! Ple-e-e-e-ease MMArio.


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: GeorgeH
Date: 04 Dec 00 - 12:23 PM

Glad someone mentioned the Kipper Family's "Arrest these merry gentlemen" . . great favourite of ours.

There was also a cassette tribute to Nigel Chippendale which included a set of "Christmas inserts" he did for a radio program . . much musical hillarity, and well worth looking out for.

G.


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Subject: Lyr Add: BORIS, THE BLUE-BALLED REINDEER
From: MMario
Date: 04 Dec 00 - 12:34 PM

YOu know Basher, and Canker, and Pander and Vixen
Vomit and Stupid, and Blunder and Shitzen;
But do you recall....The most frustrated reindeer of all?

Boris, the blue balled reindeer
had two balls that really glowed!
and if you ever saw him
You would say it really showed!
All of the other reindeer
used to laugh and call him names
They wouldn't let poor Boris
join in kinky reindeer games

Then one starlit Christmas Eve
Mrs. Clause came to say
Boris with your balls so blue
Have I got a Christmas Present for you!

Oh how that woman loved him!
As they achieved ecstacy!
Oh Boris the Blue-balled Reindeer
Taught her beastiality!


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: Bill Hahn//\\
Date: 04 Dec 00 - 07:15 PM

Tom Lehrer has a great piece---just called Christmas Carol.

Sung to the tune of Hark the Herald Angels Sing.

I also love John Forster's All Purpose Carol.

If you tune in to WFDU 89.1 FM (Teaneck NJ) or on the web

www.wfdu.fm

between 3-6 PM I guarantee you will hear both and a lot more on the TRADITIONS program that day.

Bill Hahn


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: weststar
Date: 04 Dec 00 - 07:59 PM

Bill H. Was it " Hark, the Herold Tribune sings Advertising toys and things " ?


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: Banjer
Date: 04 Dec 00 - 08:33 PM

Oh how I love it! I never realized there were so many parodies around.....Do keep them coming.....Please!!


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: GUEST,Fibula Mattock
Date: 05 Dec 00 - 10:16 AM

Well I have to admit loving Kevin Bloody Wilson's moving Christmas ballad (bad language alert):
"Hey Santa Claus you c***,
Where's me f***ing bike?
I've been through all this other sh*t
And there's nothing here I like"
etc etc.

Perhaps of little musical merit, but it made me laugh the first time I heard it.


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Subject: Lyr Add: FROSTY THE SNOWMAN
From: Andrea
Date: 05 Dec 00 - 05:12 PM

Assuming the "Frosty the Snowman' you're looking for is the regular one:

FROSTY THE SNOWMAN
Words and Music by Steve Nelson and Jack Rollins

Frosty the snowman
Was a jolly happy soul
With a corncob pipe
And a button nose
And two eyes made out of coal
Frosty the snowman
Is a fairy tale they say
He was made of snow
But the children know
How he came to life one day

There must have been some magic in that
Old silk hat they found
For when they placed it on his head
He began to dance around
O Frosty the snowman
Was alive as he could be
And the children say
He could laugh and play
Just the same as you and me

Thumpetty thump thump
Thumpety thump thump
Look at Frosty go
Thumpetty thump thump
Thumpety thump thump
Over the hills of snow

Frosty the snowman knew
The sun was hot that day
So he said
"Let's run and
We'll have some fun
Now before I melt away"

Down to the village
With a broomstick in his hand
Running here and there all
Around the square saying
Catch me if you can
He led them down the streets of town
Right to the traffic cop
And he only paused a moment when
He heard him holler "Stop!"

For Frosty the snow man
Had to hurry on his way
But he waved goodbye saying
"Don't you cry
I'll be back again some day"

Thumpetty thump thump
Thumpety thump thump
Look at Frosty go
Thumpetty thump thump
Thumpety thump thump
Over the hills of snow


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: Bardford
Date: 05 Dec 00 - 06:03 PM

Here's a 12 days of Christmas favourite by my good buds Bob and Doug MacKenzie, poet laureates of the Great White North

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
Eight comic books
Seven packs of smokes
Six packs of two-fours
Five golden toques
Four pounds of back bacon
Three french toasts
Two turtlenecks
And a beer in a tree
(Bob & Doug didn't cover days nine through twelve.)


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: Bardford
Date: 05 Dec 00 - 06:06 PM

My mistake. That should be poets laureate. What a hosehead,eh?
Bardford


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: Bill Hahn//\\
Date: 05 Dec 00 - 06:21 PM

Yes---Westar--those were the words, but Lehrer's title was just a Christmas Carol. On his recording he led into it with an intro which explained all the things that come later.


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: Bill Hahn//\\
Date: 05 Dec 00 - 06:22 PM

Yes---Westar--those were the words, but Lehrer's title was just a Christmas Carol. On his recording he led into it with an intro which explained all the things that come later.

I fyou like this check out John Forster's work.

Bill H


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: Bert
Date: 05 Dec 00 - 07:18 PM

THREAD OF THE WEEEEEEK!!!!


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: Ana
Date: 06 Dec 00 - 02:19 AM

's not fair to tantalise me, and not provide the words!!

Any lyrics for "Arrest these Merry Gentlemen"??

Cheers Ana


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: mkebenn
Date: 06 Dec 00 - 06:30 AM

Twenty years ago, two friends and I created this mess. I claim credit for the middle four, a lawyer wrote the first and a milkman the last. On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me, a porno movie staring Brooke Shields.. On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me two Danish whores... On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me three French ticklers.. On the four the day of Christmas my true love gave to me four filthy posters.. On the fifth day of Christmas my true love gave to me fine felatio.. six Colleens cumming..seven sheep asweatin'..eight lesies lickin'..nine nymphos nibblin'...ten bungholes bobblin'..eleven excellent erections...twelve tantalizing titties...Mike


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: GeorgeH
Date: 06 Dec 00 - 08:42 AM

OK, I'll try transcribing "Arrest these Merry Gentlemen" and post it here before Christmas. But I'll draw the line at the Kippers' version of "Gaudetee".

G.


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: skarpi
Date: 06 Dec 00 - 08:54 AM

Hallo all , here in Iceland is NO snow just warm and windy at the moment, but it coult snowing on sunday. Oh and christmas time it is to long in Iceland. To all of you MERRY CHRISTMAS from land of Ice and fire..........and Earthquakes. All the best skarpi Iceland. P.S I am going now on the NASA wepside looking info about a very,very bright star in north sky. Bless.


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: Mrrzy
Date: 06 Dec 00 - 08:59 AM

ALthough my fave was always the Lehrer one, I have to laugh at some of these posted here. There was one my sisters and I used to sing, to the tune of Sheep on the Hillside, it started Shit on the hillside, shit on the hillside, stinking up the shadows / Flies all around it Flies all around it.. and I don't remember the rest. Will investigate...


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Subject: Lyr Add: HARK THE HERALD ANGLES SING (parody)
From: GUEST,LD
Date: 06 Dec 00 - 11:17 AM

I'm not proud of this, hence not giving my name.

During the Korean conflict (does this date me?) I was stationed at a base where we had to march in formation everywhere we went. The base Chaplin ordered that during the month of December we were to sing Christmas songs while we marched. Our squadron wrote and/or stole several parodies and sang them as we marched. Most were simple gross - this is one I can print. BTW, we were confined to barracks for two weeks, and the order to sing was rescinded.

To the tune of "Hark the Herald Angles Sing":

Uncle George and Auntie Mable
Fainted at the kitchen table
This should give sufficient warning
Never do it in the morning
Ovaltine has set them right
Now they do it every night
Uncle George is hoping soon
To do it in the afternoon.


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: Bat Goddess
Date: 06 Dec 00 - 11:58 AM

I've got a little book of cat carols around someplace, but I can't find it so I an't give an attribution right this minute, but here's my favorite:

Joy to the world, 'cuz cats are here
They fill our hearts with joy.
Let everyone
Prepare them food
And let them eat their fill
And let them eat their fill
And let, and let them eat their fill

And right now I have to get back to looking for the kitten. The door blew open and when I came downstairs Creamsicle ran it, but I can't find Banjo. She's never been outside before (since she was born under a house), though has been very curious about it. I've been trying the old treats trick but no luck. She may even be hiding somewhere in the house. I'm going to bring in another load of firewood and hope she shows up. (Sigh) Wish me luck.

Bat Goddess


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: Naemanson
Date: 06 Dec 00 - 12:08 PM

Good Luck, BG! I always worry about the White Cat escaping.


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: rabbitrunning
Date: 06 Dec 00 - 12:31 PM

Ah, I've missed you guys...

Sophocleese, we sang it as:

We three kings of Orient are
Tried to smoke a rubber cigar
It was loaded and exploded
Creating yonder star

(pause for somber look...)
Silent night...

Also, we sang just the beginning of "Jingle bells, Santa smells, easter's on the way..."


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Subject: Lyr Add: CHRISTMAS DAY IN THE COOKHOUSE
From: The Walrus at work
Date: 06 Dec 00 - 01:52 PM

There is, of course the Great War piece, parodying a Christmas recitation (Christmas Day in the Workhouse)rather than a carol:-

CHRISTMAS DAY IN THE COOKHOUSE

It was Christmas day in the Cookhouse,The happiest day of the year,
Mens' hearts were full of gladness, And their bellies full of beer,
Then up stands Private Shorthouse, His face as bold as brass
Shouting "We don't want your Christmas pudding you can stick it up your..


It was Christmas day in the harem, the eunuchs were standing 'round
And hundreds of beautiful women were stretched out on the ground
Then in walked the big, bad Sultan and gazed on his marbled halls
Saying "What do you want for Christmas Boys?"
And the eunuchs answered...
sung)Tidings of comfort and joy,
Comfort and joy,
Oh, tidings of comfort and joy

Good luck

Walrus


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: Mrrzy
Date: 06 Dec 00 - 01:55 PM

Keep'm coming! These are great!


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: Haruo
Date: 06 Dec 00 - 04:46 PM

Abby Sale
What exactly constitutes an ex-ex-ex-brother-in-law?
John P
Yep, Fremont Baptist. The Church at the Center of the Universe. I frequently listen to your speakers while waiting for the bus. Thanks.


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: Bert
Date: 06 Dec 00 - 05:37 PM

An Ex-Lax Brother in Law Maybe???


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Subject: Lyr Add: A CHRISTMAS CAROL (Tom Lehrer)
From: GUEST,Peter from Easton PA
Date: 06 Dec 00 - 08:40 PM

Tom Lehrer's "A CHRISTMAS CAROL" is too good not to be printed here complete. A classic.

Christmas time is here, by golly
Disapproval would be folly
Deck the halls with hunks of holly
Fill the cup and don't say "when"

Kill the turkeys, ducks and chickens
Mix the punch, drag out the Dickens
Even though the prospect sickens
Brother, here we go again

On Christmas Day you can't get sore
Your fellow man you must adore
There's time to rob him all the more
The other three hundred and sixty-four

Relations, sparing no expense'll
Send some useless old utensil
Or a matching pen and pencil
"Just the thing I need, how nice"

It doesn't matter how sincere it
Is, nor how heartfelt the spirit
Sentiment will not endear it
What's important is the price

"Hark the Herald Tribune sings
Advertising wondrous things..."

"God rest ye merry merchants
May you make the Yuletide pay..."

"Angels we have heard on high
Tell us to go out and buy..."

So let the raucous sleighbells jingle
Hail our dear old friend Kris Kringle
Driving his reindeer across the sky
Don't stand underneath when they fly by

Here's another version of "We Three Kings":

We three kings of Orient are
Tried to smoke a rubber cigar
It was loaded, it exploded
Now we are seeing stars

We two kings of Orient are
Tried to smoke a rubber cigar
It was loaded, it exploded
Now we are seeing stars

I one king of Orient are
Tried to smoke a rubber cigar
It was loaded, it exploded
Now we are seeing stars


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: Naemanson
Date: 06 Dec 00 - 10:41 PM

There is a poem out there somewhere that consists of a list of retail stores and products and ends, "Oh God, What have we done to Christmas?" Does anyone know where to find it?


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Subject: Lyr Add: ARREST THESE MERRY GENTLEMEN
From: GeorgeH
Date: 07 Dec 00 - 08:45 AM

OK, here's "Arrest These Merry Gentlemen". Fortunately I found it in "Since Time Immoral: The Kipper Family Songbook" which made my life easier. Perhaps I'll copy the only other Christmas song for Monday.

ARREST THESE MERRY GENTLEMEN (C) Dick Nudds and Chris Sugden


Arrest these merry gentlemen and take them all away,
Arrest these merry gentlemen, it may be Christmas Day
But they're singing and they're shouting and they're causing an affray,
So take tidings to Constable Joy, Constable Joy,
So take tidings to Constable Joy,


They started off on Christmas Eve to drink without control,
And in the cellar of the Inn the drunkards they did roll,
And now they've set off home to try to find the wassail bowl,
Chorus


The merry coachman blows his horn as he comes riding past,
The passengers all shout for joy now they've arrived at last,
But Joy arrests the coachman for he's driving much too fast
Chorus


Arrest these little children who go begging in the street,
They're dirty and they're ragged, they've no shoes upon their feet,
They're not the type of person who we really wish to meet,
Chorus


It was a silent night until some rough, unruly lout
Began to pick an argument and loudly he did shout,
And now I think I see some Christmas boxing breaking out,
So take tidings to Constable Joy, Constable Joy,
So take tidings to Constable Joy,


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: GUEST,Mary in Kentucky
Date: 07 Dec 00 - 09:52 AM

To the tune of Jingle Bells, dedicated to all of us Yorkie lovers...

Stomping thru the snow,
Just me and my Yorkie.
Over the fields we go,
Just so she will pee.

Darkness all around,
We know she won't obey.
Her nose is anchored to the ground
Sniffing all the way. Hey!

Midnight Run
Where's the sun?
Can't we make this quick?
When I think we're almost done
She finds something to lick. Ick!

Midnight Run
Ain't this fun?
The snow is glistening bright.
When she turns around and looks at me
Her beard is full of white.

I can't suppress a yawn
When she finally picks a spot.
On my neighbor's lawn
She turns and takes a squat.

She's not quite done it's clear,
Impatience makes me sigh
When I see my Yorkie disappear
in a snow drift two feet high.


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: Trevor
Date: 07 Dec 00 - 10:17 AM

Have you heard the thing by (I think) Joyce Grenfell, based on 'The Twelve Days', which starts with a thank you note to her beau for the wonderful gift of a partidge in a pear tree, and ends with a solicitor's letter demanding removal of the ten lords-a-leaping, seven maids and so on. Brilliant!


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Subject: Lyr Add: GOD DAMN YOU, HARRY MENDELSON
From: catspaw49
Date: 07 Dec 00 - 11:33 AM

Lovely all...just completely sick and perverted .... and I love to see other Pogo fans around.

Here's one for my tailor.

God damn you Harry Mendelson
These pants are much too short
The cuffs don't cover up my socks
I'm sorry to report
The belt loops they are all in back
The crotch is at my knees
What a miserable tailor are you
You sunnavabitch
What a miserable tailor are you!

God damn you Harry Mendelson
This vest's a total wreck
You've cut it wrong its plain to see
Now it buttons to my neck
The fourteen buttons don't line up
With eleven buttonholes
What a miserable tailor are you
You sunnavabitch
What a miserable tailor are you

God damn you Harry Mendelson
The coat is all wrong too
One lapel is bright red plaid
The other pinstripe blue
The left sleeve covers up my hand
The right one is not there
What a miserable tailor are you
You sunnavabitch
What a miserable tailor are you

Merry Christmas!

Spaw


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Subject: Lyr Add: THE TWELVE THANK YOU NOTES OF CHRISTMAS
From: Bernard
Date: 07 Dec 00 - 12:49 PM

THE TWELVE THANK YOU NOTES OF CHRISTMAS

Dec 25

My dearest darling Edward,

What a wonderful surprise has just greeted me! That sweet partridge, in that lovely little pear-tree; what an enchanting, romantic, poetic present!
Bless you, and thank you.
Your deeply loving
Emily.


Dec 26

Beloved Edward,

The two turtle-doves arrived this morning, and are cooing away in the pear-tree as I write. I'm so touched and grateful!
With undying love, as always,
Emily.


Dec 27

My darling Edward,

You do think of the most original presents! Who ever thought of sending anybody three French hens? Do they really come all the way from France? It's a pity we have no chicken coops, but I expect we'll find some. Anyway, thank you so much; they're lovely!
Your devoted Emily.


Dec 28

Dearest Edward,

What a surprise! Four calling birds arrived this morning. They are very sweet, even if they do call rather loudly - they make telephoning almost impossible - but I expect they'll calm down when they get used to their new home. Anyway, I'm very grateful, of course I am.
Love from Emily.


Dec 29

Dearest Edward,

The mailman has just delivered five most beautiful gold rings, one for each finger, and all fitting perfectly! A really lovely present! Lovelier, in a way, than birds, which do take rather a lot of looking after. The four that arrived yesterday are still making a terrible row, and I'm afraid none of us got much sleep last night. Mother says she wants to use the rings to "wring" their necks. Mother has such a sense of humour. This time she's only joking, I think, but I do know what she means. Still, I love the rings.
Bless you,
Emily.


Dec 30

Dear Edward,

Whatever I expected to find when I opened the front door this morning, it certainly wasn't six socking great geese laying eggs all over the porch. Frankly, I rather hoped that you had stopped sending me birds. We have no room for them, and they've already ruined the croquet lawn. I know you meant well, but let's call a halt, shall we?
Love,
Emily.


Dec 31

Edward,

I thought I said NO MORE BIRDS. This morning I woke up to find no more than seven swans, all trying to get into our tiny goldfish pond. I'd rather not think what's happened to the goldfish. The whole house seems to be full of birds, to say nothing of what they leave behind them, so please, please, stop!
Your Emily.


Jan 1

Edward

Frankly, I prefer the birds. What am I to do with eight milkmaids? And their cows! Is this some kind of a joke? If so, I'm afraid I don't find it very amusing.
Emily.


Jan 2

Look here, Edward,
This has gone far enough. You say you're sending me nine ladies dancing. All I can say is, judging from the way they dance, they're certainly not ladies. The village just isn't accustomed to seeing a regiment of shameless viragos, with nothing on but their lipstick, cavorting round the green, and it's Mother and I who get the blame. If you value our friendship, which I do (less and less), kindly stop this ridiculous behavior at once!

Emily.


Jan 3

As I write this letter, ten disgusting old men are prancing up and down all over what used to be the garden, before the geese and the swans and the cows got at it. And several of them, I have just noticed, are taking inexcusable liberties with the milkmaids. Meanwhile the neighbours are trying to have us evicted. I shall never speak to you again.

Emily.


Jan 4

This is the last straw! You know I detest bagpipes! The place has now become something between a menagerie and a madhouse, and a man from the council has just declared it unfit for habitation. At least Mother has been spared this last outrage; they took her away yesterday afternoon in an ambulance. I hope you're satisfied.


Jan 5

Sir,
Our client, Miss Emily Wilbraham, instructs me to inform you that with the arrival on her premises at 7:30 this morning of the entire percussion section of the Boston Symphony Orchestra, and several of their friends, she has no course left open to her but to seek an injunction to prevent you importuning her further. I am making arrangements for the return of much assorted livestock.
I am, Sir, yours faithfully,
G. Creep
Attorney at law.


Phew!!


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: Wolfgang
Date: 08 Dec 00 - 05:24 AM

Bernard, I hope you haven't typed all that. It is in the DT:

Wolfgang


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: Bernard
Date: 08 Dec 00 - 11:41 AM

Ever heard of 'cut and paste'?!!


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: Mrrzy
Date: 11 Dec 00 - 01:33 PM

The thank-you notes I saw lo these many years ago were different, I recall "the groundsmen have orders to shoot you on sight" being in the last letter. Still very funny!


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: Mrrzy
Date: 12 Dec 00 - 11:52 AM

OK, I was telling a friend about this thread, and he started singing this:

Kenneth Starr Is Coming To Town

...
He'll serve you with subpoenas
He'll make you testify
...

And that is all he recalls, anybody know the rest? Thanks!


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Subject: Lyr Add: X-RATED 'SLEIGH RIDE'
From: catspaw49
Date: 12 Dec 00 - 12:17 PM

First, I DID NOT WRITE THIS!!! Second, it was sent to me by another 'Catter (female) with only the comment, "Oh my God!!!" So let's just add it to the collection here and go on.................

X-RATED "SLEIGH RIDE"

I feel my pecker tingling, balls are jingling too.
Come on and tell me whether I can link 'em together with you!
I need a hot slip mama to slip my salami into.
I must be over eager, cause even your beaver'll do!

Get it up, get it up, get it up, let's go.
Your butt is too slow.
Start hoppin' like a rabbit in the snow.
Here it comes, here it comes, here it comes my dear,
Hot juice in your rear.
I know it's not easy for you,
Hanging from that chandelier!!!

I need a new position for sperm worm fishin' with you.
I wanna jam my pecker and both my nuts in your shoe!
I feel my pecker tingling, balls are jingling too!
Come on and be so pleasant to pump my present in you!

There ya' go............

Spaw


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: Wesley S
Date: 20 Dec 00 - 01:13 AM


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: Seamus Kennedy
Date: 20 Dec 00 - 02:01 AM

Good King Wenceslas looked out on the feast of Stephen,
Turned his trousers inside out, because his ass was freezin.

It was Christmas day in the workhouse and the orphans were standing about,
And the overseer, a cruel man, had threatened to throw them out.
The sky was dark and heavy, and snow lay on the ground, and the overseer, a cruel man, cried, "Not another sound!"
Then he sat down at his table, 'twas filled with bread and meat,
And jam and jelly and pudding, and all for him to eat,
The orphans they were starving, and tears came to their eyes,
As they watched him gobbling turkey, and potatoes, and fresh mince pies.
Their bellies ached with hunger, and their hearts cried out for food,
But the overseer, a cruel man, would not do what he should.
Till at last a starving orphan went up with cap in hand
And stood beside his table, and faced him, man to man.
"What do you want, you little wretch?"
"Why are you standing there?"
"Please sir, I'd like some pudding if you've a piece to spare."
"We've got to have some food sir, or it might mean our end,"
"And you've really got enough sir, to fill the mouths of ten." ,
The overseer was angry, his eyes began to shine,
He bellowed, "Get your own food; you're getting none of mine!"
The child was on his knees now, and his words tear at my soul,
"You can take your fuckin' puddin', and shove it up your hole!"

Merry Christmas all..

Seamus


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: Mrrzy
Date: 23 Dec 00 - 04:55 PM

refresh - I need this and more, please...


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 23 Dec 00 - 05:38 PM

Naemanson, the product-oriented Christmas poem you mention is actually poems. The guy on NPR (forget his name) who does it ever Christmas updates it yearly, so it's a moving target. But as you mention, it always ends, "Good---Lord! What have we done to Christmast?"

I WOULD like to have the full text of it for a year--any year!

Dave Oesterreich


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: GUEST,NH Dave
Date: 23 Dec 00 - 05:42 PM

This reminds me of a similar ditty called Christmas in the Mess Hall, where the Commander comes 'round to make his Christmas inspection (in some services it is also the custom for the officers and senior NCOs to serve Christmas Dinner to the troops.) The lyrics are in Kiss me Goodnight Sergeant Major, which I don't happen to have handy.

They end up with a young corporal suggesting where the CO can stick his Merry Christmas, if memory serves.

Dave


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: GUEST,mary ellen
Date: 23 Dec 00 - 06:24 PM

Who knows the Celtoid days of Christmas?


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 24 Dec 00 - 12:28 AM

Jingle Bells, Rudolph smells, Santa's run away, with the Fairy from the Christmas tree, she's in the family way!

Sorry, been singing that since I was 10.... hee hee hee!

LTS


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: GUEST,Eluned
Date: 24 Dec 00 - 01:20 AM

This thread is GREAT! I've had several immensely satisfying chuckles ... 'tho I think 'spaw's last contribution was kinda icky. But she is also the only one to refer to a Bob Rivers tune. Some of his are really funny! I think "Twisted Christmas" is the most original new (-ish) Christmas humor album I've heard. Anyone else know some of his?


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: GUEST,Phil
Date: 24 Dec 00 - 02:24 PM

We three Kings of Orient are, One on a tractor, one in a car. One on a scooter tooting his hooter, Following yonder star....oh!

Star of wonder ,star of light, Beauty bottler, she'll be right. ....i forget the rest!


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: Bernard
Date: 24 Dec 00 - 02:44 PM

CHRISTMAS FRUITCAKE RECIPE

You'll need the following:
1 C water 1 tsp. baking soda
1 C sugar 1 C brown sugar
4 large eggs lemon juice
2 C dried fruit nuts
1 tsp. salt 1 bottle of your favorite whisky

a) Sample the whisky to check for quality.
b) Take a large bowl.
c) Check the whisky again to be sure that it is of the highest quality.
d) Pour one level cup and drink. Repeat.
e) Turn on the electric mixer.
f) Beat 1 C of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
g) Add 1 tsp. sugar and beat again.
h) Make sure the whisky is still okay.
m) Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer.
l) Break two legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
x) Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
t) Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity.
r) Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something. Who cares.
s) Wheck the chisky.
x) Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
y) Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.
t) Grease the oven.
t) Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.
k) Don't forget to beat off the turner.
m) Throw the bowl out the window.
t) Chick the whesky again.
a) Go to bed. Who the @$&* likes fruitcake anyway??!!

All the Bury Vest, folks!!


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: GUEST,Smokey
Date: 24 Dec 00 - 03:45 PM

Oh you better watch out,
You better not cry,
you better not pout,
I'm telling you why,
Santa Claus is dead.


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: catspaw49
Date: 24 Dec 00 - 10:02 PM

Hey Eluned........"Spaw" be a "He"----but that's OK......That "icky" one was sent to me by another 'Catter, a female 'Catter, who knows Ol' Spaw got no reverence for nothin'!! I don't want to use any names here but this female 'Catter plays banjo and lives in Toronto..............

Spaw


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: sophocleese
Date: 24 Dec 00 - 10:08 PM

Whew! So it wasn't me. I was worried for a while there...


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 24 Dec 00 - 11:35 PM

check out J** H*ck*rs*n's

Christians roasting on an open fire Lions nipping at theur toes.....

It's in DigiTrad


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Subject: Lyr Add: I WANT A KEG OF MURPHY'S STOUT FOR...
From: GUEST,Catwoman
Date: 25 Dec 00 - 12:15 PM

Here is one that I am in the middle of writing. If you are interested, I can post the rest as soon as I finish it up.

It is to the tune of "I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas"

I WANT A KEG OF MURPHY'S STOUT FOR CHRISTMAS

I want a keg of Murphy's Stout for Christmas
Only a keg of Murphy's Stout will do
Don't want a Bud, a beer that I abhor.
I want a keg of Murphy's Stout to drink on Christmas morn.

I want a keg of Murphy's Stout for Christmas
Please play Santa and bring me the brew.
You won't have to use our dirty chimney flue
Just bring it through the door
And bring a tap so we can pour

I can see me now on Christmas morning
Crawling down the stairs
Oh what joy, and what surprise
When I open up my eyes
To see a Murphy's tapped and waiting there.

I want a keg of Murphy's Stout for Christmas
Only a keg of Murphy's Stout will do
No Miller Lite, no Blatz or Schlitz or Coors
Murphy's Stout is the beer that I adore.
And all my friends like Murphy's like I do.

Rest to follow


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: GUEST,.gargoyle
Date: 25 Dec 00 - 11:12 PM

I sincerely hop DICK GREENHOUSE

Is "mining" this thread....there are some good, original ones here.

Folks.....in the interest of "academic research" could you PLEASE post, when and where you heard the song....or verses...and approximation is ALL that is necessary.....

Good Lordy....this could be such a "well spring" of information....if Dick had not "sold-out" to Max...

PLEASE FOLKS>>>>permanently banish me from this site and refer ".gargoyle" to a legitimate "research" data-base....and the LOC don't count.


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Subject: Lyr Add: RINGADANGDOO
From: GUEST,.gargoyle
Date: 26 Dec 00 - 01:53 PM

I am eternally thankful to the Catter who pointed out a link to "Hash Songs" last year. It got me into the HHH, connected to people who sing my kind of songs (raunchy), drink my kind of beer (homebrew), and who genuinely trash folks who whine. It also got me out of the litter box, out of your hair, and into humanity, health and happiness. No modem necessary. Worldwide in all major cities. Here a couple from the Christmas Eve ....2000 Hebrew Hash

THANX

RINGADANGDOO

Tune: My Ding-A-Ling

The ringadangdoo, pray what is that?
It's furry and soft, like a pussy cat,
It's got a crack down the middle, ,
And a hole right through, ,
That's what they call the Ringadangdoo

I once knew a girl, her name was _________.
The sweetest girl I'd ever seen,
She loved a boy, who was straight and true,
Who longed to play on her Ringadangdoo.

So she took him to her father's house,
And crept inside as quiet as a mouse,
And they shut the door and the window too,
And he played all night on her Ringadangdoo.

The very next day her father said,
"You've gone and lost your maidenhead!
You can pack your bags and suitcase, too,
And bugger off with your Rinadangdoo.

So she went to twon and became a whore,
And hung a red light outside her door,
And one by one and two by two,
They came to play on her Ringadangdoo.

She charged three for two
And two for three
Then the hasher came and the hasher went
Then the price went down to 50 cents.

There came to that town a son of a bitch
Who had the pox and the seven-year-itch
He had gonorrhea and syphilis too –
So that was the end of her Ringadangdoo.


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: GUEST,.gargoyle
Date: 26 Dec 00 - 01:55 PM

Twelve Nights of Hashing

On the first night of hasing my true love gave to me
A hand job that wasn't worth a fuck!
On - On - On (shouted at end of each phrase)

Two shit house ducks

Three french whores

Four fornecators

Five blow jobs

Six sixty-niners

Seven sucking sisters

Eight aching assholes

Nine gnawed off nipples

Ten torn off titties

Eleven leaping lesbians

Twelve twats a twitching


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Subject: Lyr Add: EIGHT DAYS OF HANUKKAH
From: GUEST,.gargoyle
Date: 26 Dec 00 - 01:56 PM

EIGHT DAYS OF HANUKKAH

On the first day of Hanukkah my true love gave to me

A pastrami from the deli

2 chotchke Doves

3 French Yentas

4. Roasting Birds

5 Gold-en Blintzes

6 Geese a Schmoozing

7 Swans a Shvitzing

8 Maids A-Milchik


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: catspaw49
Date: 26 Dec 00 - 04:03 PM

Well Garg, its always nice when someone has found their calling. Looks like you have quite a future if you decide to go that way.

Spaw


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Subject: Lyr Add: FLEECE MOM AND DAD!
From: Genie
Date: 03 Dec 01 - 04:21 PM

Here's one I wrote 2 years ago for our church's "Alternative Gift Market and Buy-Nothing Day" project.

FLEECE MOM AND DAD! 
 
words by Jeanene Pratt ©1999 (3rd verse © 2001)

(Can be sung to "¡Feliz Navidad!" by Jose Feliciano)
 

Chorus
     Fleece Mom and Dad!  Fleece Mom and Dad!
     Fleece Mom and Dad!  Don't spare their budget, make the kids feel glad!  (Repeat)
 

We'll make the kids want a brand new Nintendo
Some Pokemons and a Tickle me Elmo!
And Ken and Barbie--so Wal-Mart can sell mo'
And fill up those shopping carts!

Chorus

For many months how the kids have implored 'em
For Beanie Babies--just watch people hoard 'em--,
Video games to relieve kiddies' boredom,
And the latest trading cards!

Chorus

Letters to Santa can be so heart-rending
With 20-page "gimme" lists that they're sending!
It's patriotic this year to be spendin',
So our bottom line stands hard!

Chorus

For many months how the kids have implored 'em For Beanie Babies--just watch people hoard 'em--, Video games to relieve kiddies' boredom, And the latest trading cards!

Chorus

And the bottom line stands hard!


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: Genie
Date: 03 Dec 01 - 04:24 PM

Please excuse the SNAFU in the above post (inadvertent duplication of one verse and a tag). The post was s'posed to end after the 3rd verse and a chorus. Dunno wha hoppen.

Genie


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: brid widder
Date: 04 Dec 01 - 01:31 PM

Good King Wenceslas looked out of the bedroom winder
Silly bugger he fell out on a red-hot cinder
Brightly shone his bum that night
Though the frost was cruel
Till the doctor came in sight
Riding on a Mu-uel

Can't remember not knowing that! ...or...

Christmas is coming the goose is getting fat
Please spare a penny for the old man's hat
If you can't spare a penny a ha'penny will do
If you can't spare a ha'penny we'll put your window through...

Ah, Christmases of old!


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Subject: Lyr Add: DON'T REST, YE HARRIED SHOPPERS
From: Genie
Date: 25 Nov 02 - 10:25 PM

Here's another one we used for the Alternative Gift Market:

DON'T REST, YE HARRIED SHOPPERS

Don't rest, ye harried shoppers, then, let nothing you deter.
Avail yourselves of savings now, with interest deferred,
To save from 10 percent and up, come in and join the herd.

         (Refrain) Oh, try buying your comfort and joy, comfort and joy!
                   Oh, try buying your comfort and joy!

From Saks, Wal-Mart and Bloomingdale's the blessed ad men came
And unto us, their customers, brought lures to play their game,
How that if we don't spend and spend, it sure would be a shame!

         (Refrain) Oh, try buying your comfort and joy, comfort and joy!
                   Oh, try buying your comfort and joy!


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: Genie
Date: 18 Dec 02 - 12:39 AM

Hark Some Lines That Anglers Fling


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: Genie
Date: 18 Dec 02 - 12:51 AM

Ho Ho Ho, A Fishing We Will Go


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: Genie
Date: 18 Dec 02 - 12:59 AM

We Wish You Would Clean Our Fish Mess


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: Genie
Date: 18 Dec 02 - 01:02 AM

several "carols" for fishermen


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Subject: Lyr Add: GAUDY TREE
From: Dead Horse
Date: 18 Dec 02 - 07:17 AM

GAUDY TREE (Translated from the Latin original)
Chorus
Gaudy tree, gaudy tree, they say it sparkles
It's all baubles and tinsel, they say
Gaudy tree, gaudy tree, they say it sparkles
It's all baubles and tinsel, they say

There's a fairy on the top, and her wand it flickers
Wooden soldier down below, he's looking up her….

Cheapo flashing lights around, strung on plastic wire
Made in Hong Kong I'll be bound, soon there'll be a ….

Fathers doing magic tricks, just to entertain us
Mother has the Paxo out, stuffing the turkeys….

Sister has her boyfriend round, his name is Charlie Tucker
They're going out in his new sports car, & then he'll try to …

Granddads on the booze again, Grandma begs his pardon
As she slips viagra in his glass, to help him get a ….
Gaudy tree, gaudy tree, they say it sparkles
It's all baubles and tinsel, they say
Gaudy tree, gaudy tree, they say it sparkles
It's all baubles and tinsel, they say.


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 Dec 02 - 08:25 AM

Years ago, "Mad" magazine published "Carols For Other Holidays":

Wreck The Walls
(For Halloween)

Wreck the walls and fences, golly!
Falalala Lalalala
Isn't Trick-or-treating jolly?
Fa (etc.)

Ring that doorbell, slash that tire,
Fa...
Trip the old man with a wire.
Fa.

Dressed in sheets and odd appareal,
Fa...
Can't tell John from Max or Carol,
Fa...

Which is good 'cause no one else can
Fa...
Just like grown-ups play Ku Klux Klan.
Fa...


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 Dec 02 - 08:58 AM

And they had one for New Years' Eve:

You'd better watch out
You'd better not try
Travelin' about I'm tellin' you why:
Sodden clods are painting the town.

They're wrecking the bars
They're starting street fights
They're having one of their naughtiest nights:
Sodden clods are painting the town.

Blythe New Years' drivers pickled
In alcoholic brine
Will gaily bounce off walls and trees
To strains of "Auld Lang Syne."

So...

You'd better stay home
And drink your own rye
You're crazy to roam
It's obvious why:
Sodden clods are painting the town


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: JennieG
Date: 18 Dec 02 - 08:52 PM

G'day all,

Here's this year's favourite, with thanks to Bob Bolton:
Tune: Lilli Marlene
Christmas has been cancelled, Santa Claus is dead,
They found himn in a toyshop with a bullet to his head
And on his chest was pinned a note
And this is what the papers wrote
That he was on the payroll of Toltoys and Mattel....

Cheers
JennieG


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: Malachy
Date: 19 Dec 02 - 09:46 PM

Hey Dead Horse..'Gaudy Tree' was the best!!


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Subject: Lyr Add: CHRISTMAS HAS BEEN CANCELLED (P Mortimer)
From: JennyO
Date: 19 Dec 02 - 11:40 PM

Here's the whole of "CHRISTMAS HAS BEEN CANCELLED"

Tune: Lili Marlene

These words: Paul Mortimer

Christmas has been cancelled,
Santa Claus is dead.
When the scandal broke
He put a bullet through his head.
Pinned to his chest they found a note
Admitting what - the papers wrote:
That he was on the payroll
Of Toltoys and K-tel.

It was bigger still than Lockheed
Worse than Watergate.
Kids throughout the world
Called for his head upon a plate
The myth was destroyed and in its wake,
Old Santy stood there a callous fake.
And evidence is mounting
That he was C.I.A.

The Church it tried to brand him
A charlatan and worse.
The Pope said 'Keep off Christmas, mate,
We used that number first,
As a time when all good Christians sing
Of Jesus Christ and cribs and things.
Of course it's only bulldust
To get the faithful in.'

Further allegations
Have made the papers wail,
That Santa's love for children
Was way beyond the pale,
He always liked to give out toys
To little girls and little boys.
It seems that he was harmless
But some don't understand.

Well we can still be jolly
And celebrate New Year,
And we'll be nice to other folks
More than once a year.
With no tinsel trees or plastic snow
Or jingle bells or yo ho ho's.
And no more f***ing reindeer
Or little drummer boys.

Repeat first verse

This little gem usually rears its ugly head in the Sydney folk scene around this time of year. First heard Carol Fyfe singing it.

Jenny


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: Genie
Date: 20 Dec 02 - 08:55 PM

Doggie Wonderland


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: JennieG
Date: 20 Dec 02 - 11:18 PM

Thanks JennyO - see you at Gulgong?
Cheers
JennieG


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: Cluin
Date: 20 Dec 02 - 11:59 PM

Part of one we used to sing in school:

We three fools from Sudbury are
Drinking beers and driving our car
Whistling, mooning, yelling, drooling...
Taking things way too far.


Especially when the Hounds were playing the Wolves.
Northern Ontario rivalries, y'know...


By the way, I had a slightly different version of "The Ring Dang Doo" posted above. Ended with the verse:

And now she lays beneath the sod
Her soul, they say, is gone to God
But below, in Hell, when the Devil's blue
He takes a whirl on her Ring Dang Doo.


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: JennyO
Date: 21 Dec 02 - 02:16 AM

Yes, Jennie G, we'll be at Gulgong, tarting around as usual, and in Dale Dengate's workshop too . See ya there.

Jenny


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: Bob Bolton
Date: 21 Dec 02 - 09:33 AM

G'day JennyO,

Thanks for the full text of Christmas Has Been Cancelled (requested in another thread)... I suspected that it was one of Paul Mortimer's little parodies - but I don't have his book!

Regards,

Bob Bolton


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Subject: Lyr Add: FROSTY THE DEFROSTED SNOWMAN
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 17 Nov 03 - 11:20 PM

Transcribed from the sound file at http://www.megspace.com/entertainment/judya/xmas.html

FROSTY THE DEFROSTED SNOWMAN
(As sung by Homer & Jethro)

Frosty the Snowman got a job out on the farm,
And the farmer knew he'd never do the animals any harm.

Frosty had a little lamb and he put it on the shelf,
And ev'ry time it wagged its tail, it spanked its little self.

They sent him out to shovel snow and Frosty looked so grim,
For ever' time he stopped to rest, his work piled up on him.

Frosty the Snowman liked to herd the sheep, it's true.
Ev'ry day he could hear the rams a-singin', "Ewe, Ewe, Ewe."

Frosty tried to milk the cows but he was such a grouch (?)
The cows would never holler "Moo." They'd only holler "Ouch!"

He fed the cows some sugar and they drank from a frozen stream.
Now when old Frosty milks the cows, they only give ice cream.

He cross-bred beets and taters, and imagine his surprise:
When the taters started to grow, they all had bloodshot eyes.

Frosty the Snowman backed into the stove one day.
Though it felt so warm, it ruined his form. He melted plumb away.


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Subject: Lyr Add: FATTY CLAUS (Johnny MacRae)
From: danceswithcats
Date: 18 Nov 03 - 12:49 AM

The one posted above from a year or so ago was done by John Valby, AKA Dr. Dirty. He's done many other bawdy tunes-think of him as an X-rated Weird Al.

One I heard on a jukebox some years ago:

FATTY CLAUS by Johnny MacRae

Here comes Fatty with his sack of shit
Here comes Fatty with his sack of shit
Here comes Fatty with his sack of shit
and all them stinkin' reindeer

I believe in Santa Claus
yeah, I believe that he's a prick
'cuz though he comes but once a year
it's enough to make me sick
him and his Christmas spirit
are really a lot of bunk
I'll have to bust my ass
for another year just
to pay for all this junk

CHORUS

Well, I believe in Santa
though he's got me in a mess
'cuz I'm over the limit on my MasterCard
and my Visa and American Express
While I'm sweatin' and grievin'
'bout this money mess I'm in
he'll be up there sittin'
ON HIS BIG FAT ASS
until Christmas comes again

CHORUS

Here comes Fatty with his Ho, Ho, Ho's
and there my money all go, go, goes
I'd like to punch him in his big red nose
make him wish he'd never came here


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Subject: Lyr Add: 12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS (TECHNOLOGY VERSION)
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 18 Nov 03 - 07:53 AM

Not a song - but I love it.

12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS (TECHNOLOGY VERSION)

On the first day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
.. A database with a broken b-tree (what the hell is a b-tree anyway?)

On the second day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
.. Two transceiver failures (CRC errors? Collisions? What is going on?)
.. And a database with a broken b-tree (Rebuild WHAT? It's a 10GB database!)

On the third day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
.. Three French users (who, of course, think they know everything)
.. Two transceiver failures (which are now spewing packets all over the net)
.. And a database with a broken b-tree (Backup? What backup?)

On the fourth day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
.. Four calls for support (playing the same Christmas song over and over)
.. Three French users (Why do they like to argue so much over trivial things?)
.. Two transceiver failures (How the hell do I know which ones they are?)
.. And a database with a broken b-tree (Pointer error? What's a pointer error?)

On the fifth day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
.. Five golden SCSI contacts (Of course they're better than silver!)
.. Four support calls (Ever notice how time stands still when on hold?
.. Three French users (No, we don't have foot pedals on PC's. Why do you ask?)
.. Two transceiver failures (If I knew which ones were bad, I would know which ones to fix!)
.. And a database with a broken b-tree (Not till next week? Are you nuts?!?!)

On the sixth day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
.. Six games a-playing (On the production network, of course!)
.. Five golden SCSI contacts (What do you mean "not terminated!")
.. Four support calls (No, don't transfer me again - do you HEAR? Damn!)
.. Three French users (No, you cannot scan in by putting the page to the screen...)
.. Two transceiver failures (I can't look at the LEDs - they're in the ceiling!)
.. And a database with a broken b-tree (Norway? That's where this was written?)

On the seventh day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
.. Seven license failures (Expired? When?)
.. Six games a-playing (Please stop tying up the PBX to talk to each other!)
.. Five golden SCSI contacts (What do you mean I need "wide" SCSI?)
.. Four support calls (At least the Muzak is different this time...)
.. Three French Users (Well, monsieur, there really isn't an "any" key, but...)
.. Two transceiver failures (SQE? What is that? If I knew I would set it myself!)
.. And a database with a broken b-tree (No, I really need to talk to Lars - NOW!)

On the eighth day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
.. Eight MODEMs dialing (Who bought these? They're a security violation!)
.. Seven license failures (How many WEEKS to get a license?)
.. Six games a-playing (What do you mean one pixel per packet on updates?!?)
.. Five golden SCSI contacts (Fast SCSI? It's supposed to be fast, isn't it?)
.. Four support calls (I already told them that! Don't transfer me back - DAMN!)
.. Three French users (No, CTL-ALT-DEL is not the proper way to end a program)
.. Two transceiver failures (What do you mean "babbling transceiver"?)
.. And a database with a broken b-tree (Does anyone speak English in Oslo?)

On the ninth day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
.. Nine lady executives with attitude (She said do WHAT with the servers?)
.. Eight MODEMs dialing (You've been downloading WHAT?)
.. Seven license failures (We sent the P.O. two months ago!)
.. Six games a-playing (HOW many people are doing this to the network?)
.. Five golden SCSI contacts (What do you mean two have the same ID?)
.. Four support calls (No, I am not at the console - I tried that already.)
.. Three French users (No, only one floppy fits at a time? Why do you ask?)
.. Two transceiver failures (Spare? What spare?)
.. And a database with a broken b-tree (No, I am trying to find Lars! L-A-R-S!)

On the tenth day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
.. Ten SNMP alerts flashing (What is that God-awful beeping?)
.. Nine lady executives with attitude (No, it used to be a men’s room? Why?)
.. Eight MODEMs dialing (What Internet provider? We don't allow Internet here!)
.. Seven license failures (SPA? Why are they calling us?)
.. Six games a-playing (No, you don't need a graphics accelerator for Lotus!)
.. Five golden SCSI contacts (You mean I need ANOTHER cable?)
.. Four support calls (No, I never needed an account number before...)
.. Three French users (When the PC sounds like a cat, it's a head crash!)
.. Two transceiver failures (Power connection? What power connection?)
.. And a database with a broken b-tree (Restore what index pointers?)

On the eleventh day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
.. Eleven boards a-frying (What is that terrible smell?)
.. Ten SNMP alerts flashing (What's a MIB, anyway? What's an extension?)
.. Nine lady executives with attitude (Mauve? Our computer room tiles in mauve?)
.. Eight MODEMs dialing (What do you mean you let your roommate dial-in?)
.. Seven license failures (How many other illegal copies do we have?!?!)
.. Six games a-playing (I told you - AFTER HOURS!)
.. Five golden SCSI contacts (If I knew what was wrong, I wouldn't be calling!)
.. Four support calls (Put me on hold again and I will slash your credit rating!)
.. Three French users (Don't hang your floppies with a magnet again!)
.. Two transceiver failures (How should I know if the connector is bad?)
.. And a database with a broken b-tree (I already did all of that!)

On the twelfth day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
.. Twelve virtual pipe connections (There's only supposed to be two!)
.. Eleven boards a-frying (What a surge suppressor supposed to do, anyway?)
.. Ten SNMP alerts flashing (From a distance, it does kinda look like Xmas lights.)
.. Nine lady executives with attitude (What do you mean aerobics before backups?)
.. Eight MODEMs dialing (No, we never use them to connect during business hours.)
.. Seven license failures (We're all going to jail, I just know it.)
.. Six games a-playing (No, no - my turn, my turn!)
.. Five golden SCSI contacts (Great, just great! Now it won't even boot!)
.. Four support calls (I don't have that package! How did I end up with you?)
.. Three French users (I don't care if it is sexy, no more nude screen backgrounds!)
.. Two transceiver failures (Maybe we should switch to token ring...)
.. And a database with a broken b-tree (No, operator - Oslo, Norway. We were just talking and were cut off...)

http://www.chucklesofchoice.com/r-jokes/holidays/christmas/12chris009


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Subject: Lyr Add: WE WISH YOU WEREN'T LIVING WITH US
From: LilyFestre
Date: 18 Nov 03 - 02:08 PM

A favorite parody from my youth.........sung to the tune of We Wish You A Merry Christmas, taken from Twisted Christmas, Bob Rivers.

WE WISH YOU WEREN'T LIVING WITH US

We wish you weren't living with us,
We wish you weren't living with us,
We wish you weren't living with us,
We're not happy you're here!

You drive everybody crazy,
You're hopelessly fat and lazy,
You're constantly in the way here
So pack up your gear!

You're feeding your face
You're taking up space,
We wish you weren't living with us
We' re not happy you're here.

Excuse me if I'm mistaken,
But those are long distance calls you're makin'
How long do you plan on takin'
Advantage of us?

We wish you weren't living with us,
We wish you weren't living with us,
We wish you weren't living with us,
Get out of town, now!

Michelle


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: Joe_F
Date: 18 Nov 03 - 07:37 PM

The "Beecham's Pills" parody of "Hark, the Herald Angels Sing" comes with a story. It seems that the local laxative manufacturer offered to provide free hymnbooks to the church, if it would be allowed in insert one advertisement. That seemed fair, and indeed, it appeared that the company had left out the advertisement. But next Christmas, the parishioners found themselves singing....

The version I heard (St Andrews University, 1958) ended

How can man to art aspire
If is soul is not on fire?
How can man crawl into bed
With his belly full of lead?

The version of the Twelve Days of Christmas current at the same time & place had

12 twisted twats
11 lecherous lesbians
10 torn-off testes
9 gnawed-off nipples
8 aching arseholes
7 sex-starved spinsters
6 convicted vicars
5 choir boys
4 Boy Scouts
3 dirty whores
2 shithouse doors
and my Lord Montague of Beaulieu

-- the last having been had up for sodomy in a then fairly recent scandal.

The following, IIRC, is by E. Gorey:

Hark, the herald angels sing:
Glory to the newborn Thing,
Who, because of radiation,
Will be cared for by the nation.

Also in a somewhat filkish mood, I believe I saw the following in a fanzine some years ago:

It came upon a midnight clear
And ate up everything in sight.

Finally, from Caltech ca. 1962 I recall

O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree,
Oh, piss on thee, O Christmas tree!


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: Joe_F
Date: 19 Nov 03 - 07:43 PM

Oh, and how could I have forgotten --

Papa's nerves get frazzled, & wearing thin
Mama in her wisdom gets drunk on gin
The kids go build a roadblock, for Santa's sleigh
Gonna have a big dead bird for dinner, on Christmas Day

-- "Big Dead Bird", by Lou & Peter Berryman


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: Joybell
Date: 19 Nov 03 - 07:53 PM

Already on the Secret Santa thread from The oldpooparoo. Worth repeating.

You better watch out, whatever you say,
There's a big van parked over the way.
Santa Claus is listening to you.

He's watchin your house all the day long,
Makin a list of what you do wrong.
Santa Claus is checking on you.

He knows if youve been washing your naughty bits and all;
He's put a 2-way mirror right in your bathroom wall.

He's under your bed, tappin your phone.
Better give up, youre never alone.
Santa Claus is spying on you.


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: Cluin
Date: 20 Nov 03 - 12:17 AM

I stil like this one.


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: LadyJean
Date: 20 Nov 03 - 12:32 AM

There used to be a Children's TV show called Ricki and Copper, Ricki was the host, with Copper, her Irish setter. Some completely warped child sang the following on that show, one Christmas.

Rudolf the red nose cowboy
had a very shiney gun
And if you ever saw it,
You would turn around and run.
All of the other cowboys,
used to laugh and call him names.
They never let poor Rudolph
join in any poker games.
Then one foggy Christmas eve, the sheriff came to say,
"Rudolph with your gun so bright, would you kill my wife tonight."
Then all the cowboys loved him, and they shouted out with glee,
"Rudolph the red nosed cowboy, you'll be hanging from a tree."

Jingle bellski jingle bellski jingle all the wayski!
What are you doing?
I'm Russian the season.

Three kings of Orient are
one of them lighted a big black cigar
It was loaded it exploded
Two kings of orient are.

You work your way down to one king of orient are. He lights the exploding cigar, then you sing, "Silent Night".

I have an eidetic memory. Aren't you sorry.


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: GUEST,rob
Date: 20 Nov 03 - 06:55 AM

my favorite female duo Taggart and Wright do a very good version of galde tae or however it is spelled.
they are on at the Middlewich Winter Warmer festival this Saturday. I suppose it will be on their set list.


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: GUEST,ClaireBear
Date: 20 Nov 03 - 11:58 AM

For all you nautical characters . . . this is awfully silly, but it's been a real hit with the kiddies at Chanteyranger's park's "Christmas at Sea" event:

What do you do with a red-nosed reindeer?
What do you do with a red-nosed reindeer?
What do you do with a red-nosed reindeer
ear-lie Christmas morning?

Way-hey, up he rises
Way-hey, up he rises
Way-hey, up he rises
ear-lie Christmas morning

(verses ad lib; our faves include the following:)

Fill him up with figgy pudding

Throw him in the eggnog, make him drink it

Don't let him play any reindeer games

Put him in charge of an elf self help group

Give him a sack of magic feed corn

Hitch him up to Santa's sleigh

Send him on a fast flight 'round the planet

That's what we do with a red-nosed reindeer . . .


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Subject: Lyr Add: THE RESTROOM DOOR SAID GENTLEMEN (Rivers)
From: Alaska Mike
Date: 20 Nov 03 - 12:17 PM

THE RESTROOM DOOR SAID GENTLEMEN by Bob Rivers
Sung to the Tune of "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen"

The restroom door said gentlemen
So I just walked inside
I took two steps and realized I'd been taken for a ride
I heard high voices
And I saw the place was occupied
By two nuns, three old ladies and a nurse
What could be worse
Than two nuns, three old ladies and a nurse

The restroom door said gentlemen
It must have been a gag
As soon as I walked in there I ran into some old hag
She sprayed me with a can of mace and hit me with her bag
I could tell this just wouldn't be my day,
What can I say
It just wasn't turning out to be my day

The restroom door said gentlemen
And I would like to find
The crummy little creep who had the nerve to switch the sign
Cause I've got two black eyes and one high heel up my behind
Now I can't sit with comfort and joy
Boy oh boy
No I'll never sit with comfort and joy


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 22 Nov 03 - 09:51 PM

Lady Jean
that 3 Kings joke
is similar to what the Goon Show written by Spike Milligan did... :-)

except there was a sound of a gunshot ...


Robin


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Subject: Christmas parodies
From: GUEST,Jane H
Date: 23 Nov 03 - 02:16 AM

I didn't see this Beechams version of Hark the Herald Angels Sing (my dad's favourite):

Hark! The Herald Angels Sing
Beechams Pills are just the thing!
One at night and two in the morning
They will work without any warning!
If you want to go to heaven
then you take a dose of seven,
If you want to go to Hell
Take the bloody box as well!

Merry Christmas and thanx to all, particularly JennyO for Christmas Has Been Cancelled!!


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: Rapparee
Date: 23 Nov 03 - 12:01 PM

Oh little town of Bethlehem
How still we see thee lie
Above thy deep and lifeless sleep
The mushroom clouds roll by.

Yet in thy dark streets shineth
That mushrooms glaring light
The hopes and fears of all the years
Were blown to hell, tonight.


Yes, we sang it in high school.


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 30 Nov 03 - 10:28 PM

A Charisma Scare Roll

Go dressed team marriage end dull meant
Lit north ink cutest May
Forge eases cry star say fiord
West boor non crisp mistake,
Two safe assault form say tons spar
Win whee wore gonifs tray;
Owe, tide ink's off come fort enjoy, come fort enjoy,
Owe tye eye dink's off come fort enjoy.


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 30 Nov 03 - 10:30 PM

An Udder Charisma Scare Roll

Oak gum ball if facefull, choy fall ant dry infant;
Gum ball ease it is sins off heavy nabob.
Gum band a door imp, barn off kinky faint shells.
Oak omelet acid Durham, oak omelet acid Durham,
Oak gum lettuce at Durhammm, cry, I still hoard.


And a harp pine weir two ewe.

Robin


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: nutty
Date: 15 Dec 03 - 12:08 PM

refresh


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Subject: Lyr Add: POLITICALLY CORRECT NIGHT BEFORE XMAS
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 17 Dec 03 - 08:31 AM

dunno where this came from - it was sent to me today by a friend.
...............................


"T'was the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?

His workers no longer would answer to "Elves,"
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.

And labour conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.

And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.

So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked bloody stupid!

The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.

And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.

Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur-trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."

And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose

And had gone on Oprah, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.

So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,

Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Mz .

And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.

Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.

Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.

Nothing that clamoured or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.

Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's war-like or non-pacific.

No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.

And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.

For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No soccer , no footy ...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.

Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

So Santa just stood there, dishevelled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.

He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today.

His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.

Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.

A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;

Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.

So here is that gift, its price beyond worth...
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."


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Subject: Lyr Add: THE SNOWMAN'S SONG
From: GUEST,Jacqued
Date: 17 Dec 03 - 02:53 PM

Try this, Guest A1

THE SNOWMAN'S SONG
Paper Angels - Artisan CD
James and Mayor

In the middle of the winter the snowman got quire bored,
So he thought he'd take a holiday to a sunny land abroad.
He wasn't frightened of the sun, he thought he'd be okay,
But he went for a swim in the deep blue sea,
And he melted clean away!
It's c-c-c-c-cold being a snowman, it's fr-fr-fr-frosty stood out here,
Me teeth they chatter like a chimpanzee,
Oh what I'd give for a nice cup of tea,
I'm a ch-ch-ch-chilly, chilly, c-c-c-cold, fr-fr-fr-frosty snowman!

There once was a handsome snowman called Michael John O'Grady,
Who fell in love on a winter's morn with another rather nice snow lady.
She gave him a kiss on his frosty lips and then they had a cuddle,
But then they got a bit too hot and turned into a puddle!
Chorus

There once was a snowman climber who climbed up a snowy peak,
But he didn't feel like climbing down 'cos his legs had gone all weak!
But snowmen they are clever and in the mountains you can spot 'em,
They turn into an avalanche and slide down on their bottom!
Chorus

Oh pity the poor snowman out in a winter's storm,
An old top hat and a football scarf are all that keep him warm.
He'd sooner sit inside the house by the fireside nice and snug,
But if he did he'd turn into a wet patch on the rug!
Chorus

There once was a showman snowman who played the ukulele,
And though his fingers froze tot he bone he gave his concerts daily.
He thought it was a small guitar 'cos once he had been told,
That things got bigger when they warm up and shrink when they get cold!
It's c-c-c-c-cold being a snowman, it's fr-fr-fr-frosty stood out here,
Me teeth they chatter like a chimpanzee,
Oh what I'd give for a nice cup of tea,
I'm a ch-ch-ch-chilly-chilly, c-c-c-cold, fr-fr-fr-frosty snowman!
Last line of chorus x 2
08/12/03


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Subject: Lyr Add: ARREST THESE MERRY GENTLEMEN (Sid Kipper)
From: GUEST,Jacqued
Date: 17 Dec 03 - 03:12 PM

Ana, try these:

ARREST THESE MERRY GENTLEMEN
Sid Kipper


Arrest these merry gentlemen and make them go away,
Arrest these merry gentlemen it may be Christmas Day.
But they're singing and they're shouting and they're causing an affray,

So take tidings to Constable Joy, Constable Joy,
So take tidings to Constable Joy.


Arrest these merry gentlemen a'begging in the street,
They're dirty and they're ragged, they've no boots upon their feet.
They're not the type of person who we really wish to meet,

So take tidings to Constable Joy, Constable Joy,
So take tidings to Constable Joy.


Arrest these merry gentlemen they're rough unruly louts,
Now they've started arguing and loudly they do shout.
And soon I think we'll see some Christmas boxing breaking out,

So take tidings to Constable Joy, Constable Joy,
So take tidings to Constable Joy.


Arrest these merry gentlemen who in their gutters crawl,
The good, the bad, the ugly, the long, the short, the tall.
We'd like to wish a miserable Christmas to them all,

So take tidings to Constable Joy, Constable Joy,
So take tidings to Constable Joy


30/11/99.


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Subject: Lyr Add: 'TWAS THE DAY AFTER CHRISTMAS
From: JennyO
Date: 18 Dec 03 - 08:35 AM

You need to read this BEFORE Christmas.


'TWAS THE DAY AFTER CHRISTMAS
============================

Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house,
Every creature was hurtin' even the mouse.
The toys were all broken, their batteries dead;
Santa passed out, with some ice on his head.

Wrapping and ribbons just covered the floor,
While upstairs the family continued to snore.

And I in my T-shirt, new Reeboks and jeans,
I went into the kitchen and started to clean.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the sink to see what was the matter.

Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the curtains, and threw up the sash.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a little white truck, with an oversized mirror.

The driver was smiling, so lively and grand;
The patch on his jacket said "U.S. POSTMAN."

With a handful of bills, he grinned like a fox.
Then quickly he stuffed them into our mailbox.

Bill after bill, after bill, they still came.
Whistling and shouting he called them by name:
"Now Dillard's, now Broadway's, now Penny's and Sears
Here's Robinson's, Levitz's and Target's and Mervyn's.
To the tip or your limit, every store, every mall,
Now chargeaway-chargeaway-chargeaway all!"

He whooped and he whistled as he finished his work.
He filled up the box, and then turned with a jerk.
He sprang to his truck and he drove down the road,
Driving much faster with just half a load.

Then I heard him exclaim with great holiday cheer,
"ENJOY WHAT YOU BOUGHT.......

YOU'LL BE PAYING ALL YEAR!"

Anon


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: Stephen L. Rich
Date: 18 Dec 03 - 09:58 AM

Good King What'shisface stood out on his feet uneven
Tired from a drinking bout of the preceding evening
His face was red he looked half dead
His serving man said, "Well, sir
It looks like time to go and get the Royal Alkaseltzer."

Stephen Lee


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: Splott Man
Date: 19 Dec 03 - 07:58 AM

Haven't seen this one yet (from my youth)

We three Beatles of Liverpool are
John in a taxi, Paul in a car
George on a scooter, honking his hooter
Following Ringo Starr

I believe it's an updated variant on a previous version

And here's a Christmas dedication

to

Mair Daisby
Marianne Bright
Anne Mayall
Yer Chris
Mrs B White


Happy Christmas


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: Snuffy
Date: 19 Dec 03 - 09:03 AM

Pretty close to my list, Ned.

Mayor Dazeby
Marion Bright
Anne-May Allyer
Chris
Mrs B White

Nadolig llawen


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: GUEST
Date: 19 Dec 03 - 09:22 PM

Heard one on the radio this morning to the tune of "The Lady is a Tramp". Anyone have the lyrics?


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: GUEST,barry
Date: 20 Dec 03 - 12:16 PM

"I don't Care Who You are, Fatty, Get Those Reindeer off my Roof"

I don't know if this is just a made-up song title I read somewhere or an actual song.


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: Desert Dancer
Date: 16 Dec 06 - 01:07 PM

Refreshing!


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: Bernard
Date: 16 Dec 06 - 01:43 PM

John Kirkpatrick's parody of 'Gaudete', which is part of 'Carolling and Crumpets'... on the new album of the same name.

Cows eat hay
But today it's juiced tomatoes
Eggs for tea the turkey lay
Yesterday.


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: Scrump
Date: 17 Dec 06 - 07:18 AM

JK's CD is highly recommended! :-)

His Gaudete parody reminds me of the old Norfolk (and good) song:

Awayday, awayday, loco in transit
Omnibus, St Pancreas, awayday
(etc.)


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: voyager
Date: 18 Dec 06 - 06:04 PM

I don't think of Channukah as a 'parody' of the Xmas Season but....
the MUSE delivered a tune this year in the spirit of 'O Tannenbaum,
O Tannenbaum'......

Here it is
   O Channukah, O Channukah

Enjoy the holiday season!
voyager


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: GUEST,Owlkat
Date: 18 Dec 06 - 08:52 PM

Spike Milligan's christmas song;
I'm walking backwards for christmas
Across the Irish sea
I'm walking backwards for christmas
It's the only life for me
I've tried walking sideways, and to the front
People just said, "Oh that's just a publicity stunt"
I'm walking backwards for christmas
The only thing for meeeeeeeeeeeee.

...think I got most of the words
Cheers.


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: Scrump
Date: 19 Dec 06 - 05:37 AM

Don't forget:

An immigrant lad loved an Irish colleen
From Dublin's Galway Bayyeeeeeeee
He longed for her arms
But she spurned his charms
And sailed o'er the foam awayyyeeee
She left the lad at home on his own
All alone, and sorroweeee-inggggggggg
And sadly he dreamed,
(Or at least that's the way it seemed, buddy)
That an angel choir to himmmmmmm,
An angel choir did singgggggggggggg


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: oggie
Date: 19 Dec 06 - 05:26 PM

John Connelly has a great one but I can only remember the chorus

Hark now hear the angels sing
Listen to what they say,
That in this world of sinners
There's a mug bornevery day.

Anyone got the verses?

All the best

oggie


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: oldhippie
Date: 19 Dec 06 - 09:58 PM

Tune: "I'll Be Home For Christmas"

I'm dreaming tonight of a place I love
Even more than I usually do
And although I'm lost, it's a long road back
This I promise you...
Well, I'll be home for Christmas
You can plan on me
So, please have snow and lots of mistletoe
And presents under the tree
Oh, Christmas eve will find me
Where the love light gleams
I'll be home for Christmas
If only in my dreams


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: Ian
Date: 20 Dec 06 - 04:15 AM

This hit my inbox yesterday
(Scouse is slang for Liverpudlian ie of Liverpool UK)

Scouse Christmas Song - (to the tune of Mistletoe and Wine: ...)


Christmas time, drunkenness and crime,
Children playing - in filth and grime,
With cars all on fire - loot under the tree
Time to rejoice - in be-ing scally,
It's a time now for stealing, a time for receiving,
Knocked-off gear - oh worra great feelin
Why pay top dollar - yer can nick it for free,
Just like our lecky, - gas and TV


Christmas time, p*ssed all the time
Nicking ciggies, - spirits and wine
Wearing-shell-suits and Nykees - all knocked off gear
It's great getting p*ssed - on some other bloke's beer
Its a time now for drinkin - six packs of Stella
Dat yer got down the backs - from some dodgy Fella
Christmas is sound - Christmas is best
God bless our Cilla - and the DHSS

Christmas time - time to joy-ride
Then go and visit - family inside
With Dad on a six stretch - and sis up the duff
This 'City of Culcher' can get pretty rough
So next time your driving - through Liverpool-city
You may just know why - the streets look so sh*tty
So keep a sharp eye out - for those dodgy deals
But don't drive too slow - or we'll pinch all four wheels!


And Merry Chistmas/Xmas/Yueltide to you all.
Ian


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: GUEST,Jim I
Date: 20 Dec 06 - 05:57 AM

I remember when young (many decades ago) and non PC (still!) we used to sing

God rest ye Jerry mentlemen
Let nothing you dismay
Although you're in a loony bin
Ye might get out one day

Unfortunately the ravages of time have deleted the rest from what passes from my brain.


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: Ian
Date: 20 Dec 06 - 07:23 AM

To follow on Jim I

CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE DISTURBED


1. Schizophrenia ---
Do I Hear What I Hear?

2. Multiple Personality Disorder ---
We Three Kings Disoriented Are

3. Dementia ---
I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

4. Narcissistic ---
Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

5. Manic ---
Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and
Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees
And.....


6. Paranoid ---
Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me

7. Borderline Personality Disorder ---
Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

8. Personality Disorder ---
You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout,
Maybe I'll Tell You Why

9. Attention Deficit Disorder ---
Silent night, Holy... Oooh look at the Froggy
    - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --

Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle, Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle, Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle


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Subject: Lyr Add: JOHN HOWARD'S CHRISTMAS (John Warner)
From: JennyO
Date: 20 Dec 06 - 07:31 AM

Here's one that John wrote last year about our prime miniscule:


JOHN HOWARD'S CHRISTMAS

John Warner - December 2005. Tune - Good King Wencessessesslauss [ don't know how to stop spelling it.]

Christmas presents filled the mind
Of wee johnny howard.
He would rob the workers blind,
To see the rich empowered.
With his tiny brain in gear,
Plans the lad was making,
Gifts to give his mates this year,
From all others taking.

Workers who don't toe the line,
Let the bosses sack them.
Johnny howard says it's fine,
They'll have laws to back them.
All unfair dismissal laws,
Tinsel wrapped with holly,
Scrapped in the employers cause,
Won't that gang be jolly.

"Here's your nasal grindstone mate,
Gift wrapped from your master.
Don't complain or curse your fate,
Kindly pedal faster."
Round and round and round she goes,
Wearing faces down sir,
Bloody, red and flat our nose,
Howard's nose is brown, sir.

"Bring me flesh and bring me wine,
Bring a barbecue sir.
Plenty for these mates of mine,
No, there's none for you sir.
Lots of debts and lots of lies,
Financial excision,
If you dare to criticise,
We call that sedition."

Once a year does Christmas come,
A subject for reflection,
Noses flat and spirits numb,
When's the next election?
One more gift to open folks,
And it's a back hander,
One of howard's little jokes,
A national gerrymander.

Red suit and a fluffy beard,
Don't suit our prime minister.
Howard's puny soul is geared,
To a dress more sinister.
Mask and jemmy, stripey vest,
Pitchfork, horns and tail sir,
But broad arrows would be best,
And ten years in jail sir.


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: Genie
Date: 01 Dec 08 - 09:16 PM

Refresh!


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: trevek
Date: 02 Dec 08 - 07:05 AM

Bill Barclay's 12 days of Christmas, where he gets drunk singing it...
http://www.mudcat.org/thread.cfm?threadid=45868&messages=51&page=1

Boy Mongoose's version of 12 days
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=owK5tHjL0aE

Achmed the dead terrorist's "Jingle Bombs"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wskT6YfVB6E


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: Cluin
Date: 04 Dec 08 - 10:06 PM

The Grinch Revisited.


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: melodeonboy
Date: 05 Dec 08 - 07:02 AM

There's a really funny Christmas medley called "Christmas on the Estate" which appeared last year, and which I've adopted into my Christmas repertoire. I can't remember where it came from.

If anybody knows where it is, perhaps they can put it onto this thread, with appropriate link. Failing that, I'll put the lyrics on here myself, but it would, of course, be better with both a link to the song and a credit to whoever wrote it.


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: MMario
Date: 05 Dec 08 - 08:37 AM

When our Dikckens carolers go into the bakery we frequently sing our :Qaulity control Carol"

Doughnuts, no yeast, pitch'em!


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Subject: Lyr Add: MARY'S BOY CHILD
From: Sooz
Date: 05 Dec 08 - 11:38 AM

Oggie asked for this two years ago - hope you're still around!
                                 
MARY'S BOY CHILD
(as re-written for Christmas Grumpies by Grumpy John Conolly …)


Long time ago in Bethlehem,so the Holy Bible say
Christmas was invented – but they couldn't make it pay ..
They had no supermarkets,for to make the shekels roll –
Such wasted opportunity offends my very soul …

CHORUS :   HARK NOW HEAR THE ANGELS SING –LISTEN WHAT THEY SAY –
                      THAT IN THIS WORLD OF SINNERS, THERE'S A MUG BORN EVERY DAY …

Now, I'm a Supermarket Boss, I've got a chain of shops
And when it comes to Christmas time,we pull out all the stops…
Christmas Carols on the Musak,hear them loudly play,
And when they've pulled the punters in,we make the suckers pay …

Now Santa Claus's Magic Grotto brings in kids galore
While Mums and Dads are getting blotto, in the pub next door..
Come closing time,they'll wait in line ,to buy their Christmas tree –
Of course,they're twice the normal price ,but – Buy One,Get One Free !

Step right in for "Peace on Earth" and FREE "Goodwill to Man",
With our Olde English Christmas tat,made in Ye Olde Taiwan …
Get your plastic Homer Simpson,he's the latest rave –
You just unscrew his arsehole, and he's full of aftershave …

Now,down our street it looks a treat ,each house got up in style,
And our front garden's all lit up,like Blackpool's Golden Mile …
It's down to Dad – he's just gone mad ,with his Outdoor Lighting Set ..
And our New Year electric bill looks like the National Debt …

Old Christmas Hits from Yesteryear get thrust at me and you –
Like "Do They Know It's Christmas?" – YES, I THINK WE BLOODY DO !!!
We've known since MID-OCTOBER,and I really think it's time
To tell Cliff Richard where to stick his "Mistletoe and Wine " ….


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: Genie
Date: 05 Dec 08 - 04:31 PM

I like that doughnuts song, Leo.   Is that the same tune as
"Don't I Know This Possum?"


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: Genie
Date: 14 Dec 08 - 11:52 PM

Twelve Days of Cat-Mas
Feline version of 12 Days Of Christmas


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Subject: Lyr Add: THE SCOUSE ROBBING DAYS OF CHRISTMAS
From: GUEST,john_brunt
Date: 19 Dec 08 - 03:52 PM

THE SCOUSE ROBBING DAYS OF CHRISTMAS

On the first day of christmas my true love robbed for me
a hub cap of a ca-pri

On the second day of christmas my true love robbed for me
two tee vees
and a hub cap of a ca-pri

On the third day of christmas my true love robbed for me
three shell suits
two tee vees
and a hub cap of a ca-pri

On the fourth day of christmas my true love robbed for me
four prada shirts
three shell suits
two tee vees
and a hub cap of a ca-pri

On the fifth day of christmas my true love robbed for me
five burberry hats
four prada shirts
three shell suits
two tee vees
and a hub cap of a ca-pri

On the sixth day of christmas my true love robbed for me
six pairs o' trainees
five burberry hats
four prada shirts
three shell suits
two tee vees
and a hub cap of a ca-pri

On the seventh day of christmas my true love robbed for me
seven burgerburger kings
six pairs o' trainees
five burberry hats
four prada shirts
three shell suits
two tee vees
and a hub cap of a ca-pri

On the eighth day of christmas my true love robbed for me
eight petrol stations
seven burgerburger kings
six pairs o' trainees
five burberry hats
four prada shirts
three shell suits
two tee vees
and a hub cap of a ca-pri

On the ninth day of christmas my true love robbed for me
nine ladies handbags
eight petrol stations
seven burgerburger kings
six pairs o' trainees
five burberry hats
four prada shirts
three shell suits
two tee vees
and a hub cap of a ca-pri

On the tenth day of christmas my true love robbed for me
ten gucci watches
nine ladies handbags
eight petrol stations
seven burgerburger kings
six pairs o' trainees
five burberry hats
four prada shirts
three shell suits
two tee vees
and a hub cap of a ca-pri

On the eleventh day of christmas my true love robbed for me
eleven sovereign rings
ten gucci watches
nine ladies handbags
eight petrol stations
seven burgerburger kings
six pairs o' trainees
five burberry hats
four prada shirts
three shell suits
two tee vees
and a hub cap of a ca-pri

On the twelvth day of christmas my true love robbed for me
twelve o a p's
eleven sovereign rings
ten gucci watches
nine ladies handbags
eight petrol stations
seven burgerburger kings
six pairs o' trainees
five burberry hats
four prada shirts
three shell suits
two tee vees
and a hub cap of a ca-pri


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: VirginiaTam
Date: 19 Dec 08 - 04:15 PM

Melodeonboy

please perform "Christmas on the Estate" this weekend at the Good Intent?


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: Genie
Date: 20 Dec 08 - 02:14 AM

Chipmunks Roasting On An Open Fire (Bob Rivers)


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Subject: Lyr Add: THE CHRISTMAS THONG (Jeanene Pratt)
From: Genie
Date: 20 Dec 08 - 03:16 AM

Back in Dec. 2001, Aine had a Song Challenge! concerning an office memo from Richard Branson to the Virgin Mobile staff re expected behavior (and verboten behavior) at the upcoming Christmas party - e.g., banning the practice of xeroxing rumps.    This New Christmas Party Conduct Guidelines generated a veritable spate of irreverent and hilarious compositions. Those that were parodies of Christmas carols or winter songs include these:

The Copied Bummer Boy

Rack Your Balls (Upon The Copier)

The Little Toner Drum Boy

The Office Secretary (Tune: Ding! Dong! Merrily On High

Just Bums Sitting On the Copier

Jolie All Saints Melanie

Give It A Rest, Ye Merry Revelers

This one is probably my favorite of the ones I had submitted: Memo (Re Christmas Office Party)

The Christmas Thong

THE CHRISTMAS THONG
Words:  Jeanene Pratt © 2001
Tune:  The Christmas Song            (Mel Tormé & Robert Wells, 1946)

Chester's perching on the copier; 

Jackson's ripping off his clothes; 

You'll find Carol being done by a buyer,* 

And folks act up like pesky shmoes.

Ev'rybody knows that turkey with his mistletoe 

Guarantees a raunchy time; 

Fanny Scott (hers  already exposed)

Is in the fax-your-fanny line.

 We know there's gonna be horseplay - 
 
We're loaded girls and boys with booty to display. 
 
But Virgin's legal team is gonna spy 
 
For fear that some dear cuts her butt here and cries.

And so they're offering this silly rule:

"You kids, no copies in the nude.

You know it's been said many years, many days,

'Merry Christmas, 
Merry Christmas, 

Merry Christmas-- 
You're sued!'"

*Alternative lines (if the setting is altered a bit): 
   
Jewel's tied Carroll to a hunk from the choir 
   
You'll find Carol being done by the choir. 
   
Jewel's tied Carroll to a bunk by the fire. 
**Alternative line: 
    And Boy George dressed up like a 'ho.'


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Subject: Lyr Add: CHRISTMAS ON THE ESTATE (Mike Gregory)
From: melodeonboy
Date: 20 Dec 08 - 09:11 AM

'Melodeonboy

please perform "Christmas on the Estate" this weekend at the Good Intent?'

Thank you, Virginia. It'll be a pleasure. (For details, see the Wassail at the Good Intent thread.)

And here, as promised, are the lyrics:

CHRISTMAS ON THE ESTATE

(To the tune of "Rockin' around the Christmas Tree")

There's nothing around the Christmas Tree 'cos the burglars come last night,
We didn't even hear a thing 'cos we were wrecked on Diamond White,
We don't know who did the job but we'll get back our loot,
We're a couple of big lads with a van and we'll raid the next car boot.

We'll won't tell the coppers that we've had the pikeys round,
If we did, then we'd be sorry 'cos most of it fell off the back of a lorry.

The kids' DVDs and PS3s are gone and it's not fair,
They won't have a single piece of bling when they go back into care,
But everything will be all right, we'll do as we've done before,
We'll wait till they've gone to their granny's house and then we'll burgle them next door.

(To the tune of "I saw Mummy Kissing Santa Claus")

I saw Bazza mugging Santa Claus, right outside the Dog & Duck last night,
The lead pipe gave a thud, and there was lots of blood,
Flowing from his head wound on his beard so snowy white,
If I grassed on who mugged Santa Claus, they'd beat out of me seven shades of shite,
And the cops will soon be here to get their share out of the gear,
That Bazza nicked off Santa Claus last night.

(To the tune of "Oh, Little Town of Bethlehem")

Oh, little town of Sittingbourne, I hate it when you're shut,
I can't get pissed at Bunter's Bar or hang around Pizza Hut,
All the pubs are shut, so I can't get a pint or game of pool,
But at least it's just another ten days 'fore I go back to school.


(To the tune of "The Twelve Days of Christmas")

On the twelfth day of Christmas my partner and me had

Twelve different kids by
Eleven different fathers
Ten Benson & Hedges
Nine, niniety-nine for
Eight chicken nuggets
Watney's Part Seven
Six-pack of Stella
Five......ring......tones
Four-bedroomed house
Free rental
Too much to drink and
A 52" plasma TV

I've rewritten some of the lyrics, but I'm not the original songwriter.


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: Stringsinger
Date: 20 Dec 08 - 02:56 PM

Does anyone know the words to "Walking 'Round In Women's Underwear"?

There is a classic recording of "Oh Holy Nightmare" which features a singer that is so
bad that he is great. When he cracks the high note, you will crack up.

Frank


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: Genie
Date: 20 Dec 08 - 04:49 PM

Stringsinger, I think "Walkin' 'Round In Women's Underwear" is already posted in the forum (if not the DT).


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: GUEST,leanne
Date: 22 Dec 08 - 04:47 AM

frosty the yobbo
Got out on parole
The judge said he had no respect,
And little self control
Frosty the yobbo
As everybody knows
Is a snowman with an attitude and a carrot for a nose.

The kids threw snowballs at him,
With a constant whack whack whack,
But they got more than they bargained for when he upped and chucked them back

The police called in the special squad,
Who cordoned off the park,
They finally caught the snowman when they jumped him after dark

They put him in the corner
They couldnt let him thaw
A magistrate will not convict a puddle on the


Sorry i cant remember the last verse!
floor


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: GUEST,Michele Callaghan
Date: 22 Dec 08 - 04:00 PM

My dad, Dale Tussing, wrote a double parody of O Tannenbaum and The Worker's Flag, which I think is up there with Pogo's Deck Us All With Boston Charlie.

Our Christmas tree is painted green
It's manufactured by machine.
Ere its limbs grow stiff and cold,
The green paint's dyed on every fold
So raise the sylvan banner high
Our Christmas tree will never die.
Though cowards flinch and traitors sneer,
We'll keep our Christmas tree all year.


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: GUEST,redcoon
Date: 08 Nov 10 - 04:13 PM

Hi all

looking for an old song
it was on a mix tape of twisted christmas songs back in the mid/late 90's probably older though

here are the lyrics i remember, to the tune of silver bells

starts off these three old ladies trying pay a bum for the corner he is on so they can sing carols ends up selling the spot for a quarter

i think the music is on accordion but i'm not sure

clanging bells, banging bells,
God it's the Salvation Army.

clattering, Shattering,
Who needs a headache right now

ok thanks all

cant even find these lyrics on google!!! Grrrrr

*one of the old ladies names is Nadine

i know its been 2 years since the last post but i am hoping!!!

redcoon4christ (at) yahoo.com


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: GUEST,free bird
Date: 04 Dec 10 - 03:52 AM

Joy to the world
the teacher is dead
we barbecues her head
what happened to her body
we flushed it down the potty
and around and around it goes
and around and around it goes
around, around, around it goes


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: framus
Date: 04 Dec 10 - 09:56 AM

Does anybody know Crawford Howard's version of the Twelve Days of Christmas, please?
All I can recollect is the "Five pints of stout" and the opening "A bloody great hot whiskey"
Youl'd probably need to be from the North Down area to have heard it,
most likely in John Fealty's.

Happy Chrysalids everybody'
Davy.


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: GUEST,jax
Date: 05 Jan 11 - 09:05 PM

boymongoose presents:

l2 cricket ball damperers
ll syllable names
lO minute yoga
9 telly marketers
8 hollywood films
7-ll workers
six-sided graduates
5 indian games!











4 hardy kristians
3 buttered chikens
2 nosey inlaws
and a totally inofficient diary


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Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies I
From: GUEST
Date: 03 Dec 12 - 02:15 PM

you better not be scared


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