Singing thru the tears- how?

Subject: RE: Singing thru the tears- how?
From: SINSULL
Date: 23 May 01 - 05:02 PM

Never could understand why she didn't light a match and warm herself.
Mary, who cries at weddings, funerals, and flag ceremonies.
"Take me Out To The Ballgame" can reduce me to tears under the right circumstances.

Subject: RE: Singing thru the tears- how?
From: Mudlark
Date: 23 May 01 - 10:48 PM

Thanks for refreshing this thread. Since I am partial to songs that engage my emotions I am often blindsided by the dreaded choke up. Tears streaming down my face, romantically, would be fine but I hate to ruin a song by choking on it. Will try the up-look.....and hope it works. I have the same problem sometimes reading my work in my writer's group....it is embarassing when your OWN work moves you so visably to tears!

Mudlark

Subject: RE: Singing thru the tears- how?
From: Bert
Date: 24 May 01 - 12:15 AM

Bummer isn't it. a week or so ago on Mudcat Radio, I had a real struggle getting through Blue China Jug by our LEEJ.

Subject: RE: Singing thru the tears- how?
From: Joe Offer
Date: 24 May 01 - 02:07 AM

I sang Bob Franke's "Thanksgving Eve" and "Alleluia the Great Storm Is Over" for the funeral of my friend Jim several weeks ago. I sing at funerals often, but this was the first time I tried it solo and without accompaniment, and I gave a little talk before I sang. I didn't listen to anything anybody said before I got up, and I wore my reading glasses so I couldn't see anybody's face. It worked. Singing "I'll Fly Away" with a band at the end of the service was easy, in comparison.
Oh, and then I got engaged to Jim's widow, but you can find that story in "Mudcat Man's Engagement." A month before he died, Jim asked me to watch out for his wife - and if something romantic should develop, that would be wonderful. Well, it did.
-Joe Offer-

Subject: RE: Singing thru the tears- how?
From: richardw
Date: 25 May 01 - 12:33 AM

A couple of stories:

Several years ago a musician friend died in a small remote town where we were all working. He went river rafting/fishing and just never came back. In a few weeks we had a service for him in a small old wooden church. We did okay until his brother got up and sang "Will the Circle". The dam burst. Years later we were fishing and I asked him why he did that, why he sang that song. "Folks needed to cry and I decided to give an excuse," he said

I gave the eulogy for my best friend and mentor a couple of years ago. I agreed, but had no idea how I would get through it. I cried for days before hand, I cried when I wrote the eulogy and I have never seen so many grown men weeping as at his funeral. Another friend sat beside me and was more afraid than I was of what he was going to do and how he could get through. I gave him my secret. "Just think while you're up there that Jerry is looking down and laughing at us, smiling with us." It worked.

When my turn came I started by looking up and smiling at Jerry. Then I looked down at the front row, at his wife and children. His wife had taken off her dark glasses and was looking right at me--smiling. That was the strength I needed. I made it right to the last word. "And may God hold you in the hollow of his ---" The word hand never did come out. I took my leave.

Two years ago my wife and I sang at my Dad's funeral, The Leaving Shanty." "It' time to go now, haul away down channel...

Haul away for heaven etc."

We made it through because we knew we had to. And because once again I began with a smile and knew he was listening.. However, we now perform a "cowboy" poem I wrote for my Dad. We have performed it about 20 times and I still don't take the risk. Cathryn does it and I back her with music. I will not do it unitl I know I have dealt with the emotions. It is enough for now that here are always tears in the audience. They don't need mine. They should not serve as my therapy.

And I still cry when I think of phoning either by Dad or my Mom, and realize I can't.

Richard Wright

Subject: RE: Singing thru the tears- how?
From: Don Firth
Date: 25 May 01 - 01:13 PM

Try reading Oscar Wilde's The Happy Prince. . . .

Don Firth

Subject: RE: Singing thru the tears- how?
From: Art Thieme
Date: 25 May 01 - 11:46 PM

I always wear dark glasses (preferably the ones with a Groucho mustache and a huge nose) and always keep a jew's harp, a nose flute and a referee's whistle in my pocket to play on a moments notice while tears roll down my cheeks from my shaded eyes. Carol runs up on stage and daubs my face and brow with kleenex as if I was sweating too much and she was only stemming the tide before we were all washed away and down the street.

And the beat (and the show) goes on...

Art Thieme

Subject: RE: Singing thru the tears- how?
From: Art Thieme
Date: 25 May 01 - 11:48 PM

A rubber chicken falling out of the back of my banjo helps to divert attention too.

Art

Subject: RE: Singing thru the tears- how?
From: Art Thieme
Date: 25 May 01 - 11:49 PM

And there is a condom covering the head and neck of the chicken.

A.T.

Subject: RE: Singing thru the tears- how?
From: Noreen
Date: 26 May 01 - 08:04 AM

Thanks for sharing those, Art... :0)

This thread has been a great help to me. I thought I would never be able to sing at a funeral, as I am easily affected by the emotions of friends, even without taking my own emotions into consideration. It's not just the tears, which I don't feel I have to hide, but the voice goes totally.

But when Morticia asked me to sing at the funeral earlier this week I was determined I would do it, and... I did. I don't think I have ever sung more confidently, and got through it, (Ae Fond Kiss) as I felt so much support from everyone, willing me to do it.

I kept my eyes closed (as I normally do when singing anyway) and it helped that I was asked to sing at the very beginning of the service, as they carried the coffin in- it would have been more difficult later, I think. The tears are probably stored up somewhere for the next time I sing this particular song, though.

Thank you, friends.

Noreen

Subject: RE: Singing thru the tears- how?
From: Mary in Kentucky
Date: 26 May 01 - 10:35 AM

Ae Fond Kiss, what a beautiful choice.

I don't get emotional at ceremonies, can somehow separate my emotions and grief from a ceremony...except...when I hear music. I can cry listening to the radio or just when I think of a song I love.

The bit about looking to the right...I'll try that. I don't think it has anything to do with right or left handedness since those are motor skills. I learned somewhere that when a person is lying, their eyes look to the right. Any truth to that, Joe?

Subject: RE: Singing thru the tears- how?
From: Peter T.
Date: 26 May 01 - 01:07 PM

More fine evidence, if evidence were needed, of the sustaining power of this oddly bound Mudcat community.
yours, Peter T.

Subject: RE: Singing thru the tears- how?
From: GUEST,Norton1
Date: 26 May 01 - 09:12 PM

Was just responding to Amergin about writing songs about the war I was in (Thank you Veterans thread). Some things aren't meant to be - at least I don't think so. Some are gifted musicians who can sing deeply emotional songs and maintain a professional distance from the emotions themselves. But even they, when personally affected by the song's lyrics, struggle at times I am sure. It's why I'm a back porch picker and an occasional church singer, but I wouldn't do a funeral for any amount of money.

It sounds to me that you have a great heart and it comes out at times. It is where my tears come from. I will try the looking up and right thing sometime.

Subject: RE: Singing thru the tears- how?
From: GUEST,GUEST, C
Date: 02 Aug 04 - 05:19 AM

I sung at my brother's wedding a few days ago and i felt very emothinal at the start of the ceremony and was worried i wouldn't be able to so sing. However I think that songs can provoke more of an emotional reaction in the audience when delivered straight without any shakiness, despite the emotional nature of a situation so i found if i detached myself from the situation a bit and concentrated on the words of the song it worked. it was most important that i delivered it properly for my brother.... (mind you i don't suppose emotional reaction is necessarily what you want at a funeral!)

Subject: RE: Singing thru the tears- how?
From: GUEST,C
Date: 02 Aug 04 - 05:54 AM

sorry I can't seem to spells my worms today - I meant emotional not emothinal! When i am at home and singing along to a song i feel very strongly about i often can't sing it because i'm choked up.

Subject: RE: Singing thru the tears- how?
From: AllisonA(Animaterra)
Date: 02 Aug 04 - 06:42 AM

Oh, my. Guest C, I don't know who you are, but thank you for refreshing this thread.
Sometimes the www creates situations that really feel like time-travel. How innocent I was, back there in 1998. How little did I know how many times I would need to sing through tears, or how vast would be my capacity for tears, or my reasons for them. I'm so grateful we can't possibly know what's in store for us as we go through this life, year by year.

I did not sing alone at my beloved's funeral, but I was able to join in on the congragational hymns, even Amazing Grace, which I will never be able to sing again without breaking down. I was in a Zone and was so protected by all the prayers and love and support that held me up and kept me alive during those first dark days, that I was able to do it.

I was able to sing at school a week later, when I had to go back to work due to the inhuman bereavement leave policy. My students love me and depend on me, and I had a job to do, so I did it.

I was not able to sing "Farthest Field" as planned at my December concert, but I was able to direct the whole show, lead the audience participation songs, and sit in apparent serenity and control while a trio sang, "Who will sing for me".
I had a job to do, you see. My chorus and my audience depended on me.

I was able to sing "Let this be my prayer" in December with my dearest friends, in front of a packed audience, because I was beginning to understand how it's done- you do it, because you have to, because it's the job that's in front of you. Because others are depending on you.

We sang it again in my spring concert. I also played the concertina in public for the first time. I learned that the sound of the concertina is indeed affected by shaky hands, but that I can do it, if I have to- it's the job I have to do.

In my relationship with Byron, he was the strong one, I was the emotionally dependent one. I used to wish our lives could be different, that we could get married sooner, etc. Byron would say, "This is the work that's been given us to do."
One day not too long ago I was weeping to myself and silently asking, "Why did you have to die? Why do I have to go through this?"
As clear as could be, I heard his voice, "Because it's our job."

And that's how I've learned to sing through tears.

Allison

Subject: RE: Singing thru the tears- how?
From: kendall
Date: 02 Aug 04 - 06:59 AM

I have no real advice because after half a century of singing in public I still can't get through LONESOME ROBIN or THE BAND PLAYED WALTZING MATILDA without choking up.
If you don't feel the song, you probably sound like a robot siinging it, and any juke box can do it better.

Subject: RE: Singing thru the tears- how?
From: alanabit
Date: 02 Aug 04 - 08:19 AM

Two years ago my father lay dying in Llanelli hospital. I had to drive over from Cologne. About thirty miles outside Cologne I stopped to do a gig for a birthday party. The money from this paid for a good bit of the petrol which I needed to make the trip. I think I behaved professionally and that the guests got no inkling of the fact that there were other things on my mind. I think they enjoyed the set and had a cheerful day.
Last summer, I played at the funeral of my sister in law's nineteen year old daughter. Anna had been physically and mentally crippled for all of her short life, due to a rare genetic defect. The guitar piece I had played a thousand times went to pieces, although I hope I saved enough of it not to embarrass anyone. My hands just didn't seem to work. I managed to keep my eyes on the wall, staring straight ahead, while I sang "Walk Together" (posted on the "Suddenly it all gets Serious" thread). That was very hard to do without choking up. It was something about identifying with the mother's pain which moved me almost physically.

Subject: RE: Singing thru the tears- how?
From: Charley Noble
Date: 02 Aug 04 - 05:27 PM

Well, my strategy has been to plan the "Rembrance Service" for my father for about 6 months after he passed away. That gives me and our relatives, friends, and neighbors some time to meditate on his passing, and consider what we really want to express about father to others.

I'll be coordinating everything, staying very busy, and leading Si Kahn's "New Wood (Gone, Gonna Rise Again)" and the song's an old friend to me and I should be able to get through it without looking cross-eyed or flooding the front row. My friends in Roll & Go will be leading a few other songs, as will a couple of other people. I wish them well, and I know that some of the songs they are leading I'd never be able to get through.

I doubt that I could have done this closer to his death.

Charley Noble

Subject: RE: Singing thru the tears- how?
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 02 Aug 04 - 07:52 PM

You know, it doesn't get any easier does it.... 3 years after my original posting here, it still doesn't get any easier. Felt it today when a phone call to one person could have fixed a problem I have. Typical, it's the anniversary of his death today.

LTS

Subject: RE: Singing thru the tears- how?
From: ToulouseCruise
Date: 03 Aug 04 - 11:30 AM

Wow... what a thread... thanks for each of you who have refreshed it, as I have something similar, but slightly different, going on...

My father, who is 82, is still in relatively good health. Being the person that he is, he has his (and my mother's) funerals paid for, the plots purchased, and all that stuff that can be looked after ahead of time. One thing he has mentioned to me is that he would like to have "Amazing Grace" played at his service...

Now, to me. I have only been singing on stage for about four years, which became a great surprise to my family (we're not a musical group of folks). I do not play any instruments personally, just doin' the croonin' so to speak... I guess I am wondering how appropriate it would be to, well, ask him he would like me to sing at his funeral (I expect my nephew would be willing to accompany me).

We haven't been the closest over the last number of years, so I think that it would mean a lot to him for me to do this. However, I really think that I would be likely to break down while doing it -- never been involved with something like that before. On a slight side note, there are thirteen -- yes, thirteen -- kids in my family, and I am wondering if maybe I should approach a couple of them first off to see what they think of the idea... then again, what about my mother, should I offer to sing at hers as well?? For some reason, I do not have the same desire for that one...

Luckily (hopefully), there is no rush for a decision on this one.

Brian....

Subject: RE: Singing thru the tears- how?
From: Joybell
Date: 03 Aug 04 - 07:59 PM

It's not so much the expected moments, like while singing at funerals, that are the problem with me. (Although I'm not saying that's easy, just that I can prepare myself to some extent). It's often happy times when a phrase I've sung a hundred times suddenly takes on a deep meaning. It might be brief eye-contact with a person in the audience, or something from within. Often I can't explain it. As we get older True-love and I are both finding it gets worse - or better depending on how you look at it. Joy

Subject: RE: Singing thru the tears- how?
From: GUEST,Puffenkinty
Date: 03 Aug 04 - 08:01 PM

Supposedly it was Judy Collins who
said she thinks about toothpaste when she
has to sing at a particularly emotion-
fraught moment.

All I know is that it worked for me when I sang
at my mother's funeral. (It also helped that I could hear
my mother's voice in my ear saying, "Sing out!")

Subject: RE: Singing thru the tears- how?
From: treaties1
Date: 03 Aug 04 - 08:54 PM

Surrounded by many good and firm folk friends which included many, many Shellback Chorus members I could and did sing at my beloved husband Bills funeral and then afterwards at the rousing good sing around in celebration of his life. How could I not sing for him when all our life together he had listened, encouraged and been proud of my singing and it was the kind of "send-off" he had wanted. The comfort of all those singing voices was for me absolutely wonderful.
Bill's death was a surprise whilst my only son who had had his oesophagus removed and is now undergoing chemo for secondaries is still putting up a tremendous and positive fight for life. He doesn't like folk music (he'd never even heard me sing publicly before the funeral) and has no religeon.
I can't yet talk to him about what he wants if, when the worst happens. But I know that the words of songs like hymns can be so apt that they bring comfort to both the listener(s) and the singer(s) who each gain strength and comfort from them and each other so he now hears me singing (through the tears) whilst I'm doing his washing up etc

Subject: RE: Singing thru the tears- how?
From: Charley Noble
Date: 03 Aug 04 - 09:13 PM

"Toothpaste"? Now I'd never have thought of that. However, I'll need something pretty strong to get my brother's suggestion of spreading Father's ashes through the fields with our old manure spreader OUT of my mind.

Charley Noble

Subject: RE: Singing thru the tears- how?
From: Jeri
Date: 03 Aug 04 - 09:39 PM

Theresa, I am SO SORRY! I'd missed all the threads, and when I read this post of yours, I went back and found them. The good ones always make us stronger. It hurts like hell when they go, but all the gifts of spirit they gave us while they were around...they're always with us.

Hugs from me.

Subject: RE: Singing thru the tears- how?
From: GUEST,JC
Date: 22 Sep 04 - 09:16 PM

I recently became interested in singing technique. I am not a singer by trade, and don't understand much of the "lingo", but I have a fairly pleasant voice and have frequently wondered how it might progress with a little training. Today I was searching the internet for tips on singing technique and came across this site along with all of your touching stories. I am an emotional sort by nature, and frequently end up in tears even when singing certain songs alone to myself. I just thought I would leave a small note letting you all know I have sat here for the better part of an hour reading your stories, tears falling. For me, singing has always been the most emotional form of communication, which is a large part of why I have trouble performing the more heart-wrenching songs when alone, let alone for others. With poetry, you can cry as you write. Singing is a different story.

The strength and emotion of each of you is inspiring. I wish each of you all the best.

Subject: RE: Singing thru the tears- how?
From: SINSULL
Date: 22 Sep 04 - 10:51 PM

While my whole family wept and sobbed through Dad's funeral, I stared in horror at the hideous monstrosity of a funeral urn that his ashes were stored in. It took all my self control not to stand up and demand "Who the hell is responsible for that monstrosity?" Worked for me.

Subject: RE: Singing thru the tears- how?
From: Ebbie
Date: 23 Sep 04 - 02:34 AM

Guest JC, you're not alone- I too am sitting here crying. The sadness and the strength of the people come through so clearly.

The funny thing is that for most of my life I very seldom teared up- having four brothers may have had something to do with that - I know I grew up knowing that letting one's emotional guard down was dangerous.

I think the breakthrough out of my desert came for me at about age 35 in a restaurant one evening when the friend of a friend joined us at our table. There was a local tragedy that was in the papers; a father had killed his wife and then had killed himself. This friend of a friend was a emergency-care foster parent and she told us of the stunned-silent children. I was embarrassed that I couldn't hold back the tears, and then I suddenly realized that, for God's sake, weeping was appropriate.

But the older I get the weepier I get. Another 10 years- whew.

Subject: RE: Singing thru the tears- how?
From: ToulouseCruise
Date: 06 Dec 04 - 05:14 PM

well, time to get this one going again... A couple of posts up from here, I wrote about how I considered that I might like the honor of singing at my Dad's service when it would eventually happen, and that I honestly didn't feel as strongly about the same offer to my Mom, even though I am no closer to one than the other... Well, my mother is in the hospital now, doing rather poorly (heart and cancer coming at her at the same time). We're really not sure how it is going to turn out, but it honestly does not bode well considering her health over the last couple of years... I've not said anything to anyone about it (re: the singing) so it is still totally upon my own shoulders.

It is something I really am torn on. I don't want to bring it up with my family, as right now we are trying to stay positive and talk of her service wouldn't really be right, right now. Besides, I don't know if it is really something I want to do or not, let alone be able to do. Okay, sorry for throwing out something that I have to resolve internally, but there was an awful lot of support for the different folks out there, so I was compelled to add an extra couple of bits worth...

Brian

Subject: RE: Singing thru the tears- how?
From: bbc
Date: 06 Dec 04 - 09:51 PM

Brian, I'm sorry to hear about your Mom &, although I am not a performer, I can understand your dilemma. Let's get this thread back to the top to see if we can attract the attention of someone who may be able to offer helpful advice.

best,

Barbara

Subject: RE: Singing thru the tears- how?
From: Desert Dancer
Date: 01 Mar 13 - 02:18 PM

Dad passed away at the end of last October at age 91, and this summer my mother would like his memorial gathering -- he and we being non-religious -- to be "a celebration in song". Of those likely to be present, I'm likely to be the song leader... and I can't even type "celebration in song" without tears.

It seems like middle age means I tear up at the drop of a hat, and real emotion means I'm seriously choked up. Since he knows me, I think my husband is assuming I won't be the one taking on the job... but I don't know who else would (though Mom will be right in it, I know). I don't know if there will even be any old friends from the campfire singing days present, other than Mom.

I'm thinking that my game plan should be to have a game plan and to be over-prepared: to sing the songs a lot, and to sing them in front of others and mentioning their relationship to Dad as often as I can. This thread got me started on making a list of songs I associate with him, so there's that.

Any other psycho-motor tricks anyone's got since the last iteration of this thread??

~ Becky in Tucson

Subject: RE: Singing thru the tears- how?
From: Megan L
Date: 01 Mar 13 - 03:03 PM

Do not know your background lass but my experience might help a bit. I spent over 20 years as a first aid officer When we did Dauvits memorial I put "my head" away and went through the day using my "Duty head" It was my duty to care for the people there and to share with them what an amazing and special person Dauvit was.

There were a couple of sticky moments as we stood on the shore of the loch at sunset releasing his ashes among the forget-me-nots while my niece read a love poem I had written for him. By then there was only 11 very special people with me and the public part was over.

Subject: RE: Singing thru the tears- how?
From: Ebbie
Date: 01 Mar 13 - 07:59 PM

Good grief (no pun intended)! This is an old thread. In it, I reported up top that I was in tears- well, it's happening again.

I know that when I am grieving for someone, that particular loss never stands alone- it always dredges up previous losses, and the load is often overwhelming.

I suspect that another reason that we cry is not because of our own loss - that is something we could probably deal with at home when we are alone - but that we are tuned in to the grief of others. And when I think of that it doesn't surprise me that we cry- just imagine 200 or even 20 people dwelling on the same thoughts. Even weddings make me cry. And births of babies. And graduations. And I remember years ago when I was present in church when a bishop ordained his own brother. That still brings tears...

Subject: RE: Singing thru the tears- how?
From: kendall
Date: 01 Mar 13 - 08:24 PM

I can now get through The Band Played Waltzing Matilda,and Lonesome Robin without coming all untogether, but now it's Carrying Nelson Home that gets to me every time.
But, know what? I give myself permission to be human and that makes a big difference.

Subject: RE: Singing thru the tears- how?
From: Jeri
Date: 01 Mar 13 - 09:19 PM

Megan, I'm so sorry about Dauvit. I hadn't heard until just now.

If you perform a song, I think it's possible to put everything else in the background for a bit. It's like when you know you have to do something and for just a short period of time, that thing becomes more important than anything else. So the song is everything while you're singing it. I think I'm talking about the same thing Megan was.

That said, emotion is what music is about, and it's what memorial services are for. They're about bringing people together who share memories and feelings. If you cry, it's the best possible time and place to do it. Sometimes I make it through songs simply because I have to. Practice helps, but it might be good, for so many reasons, if you prepared and sang with some other people.

Subject: RE: Singing thru the tears- how?
From: AllisonA(Animaterra)
Date: 01 Mar 13 - 09:41 PM

Where did my post go? I wrote a long post today that has disappeared; I thought I had submitted it but this ipad constantly plays tricks on me.

Becky, I'm so sorry about your Dad. I have learned so much about bereavement and grief since I started this thread so long ago. All I can add to the wonderful words of wisdom of others here is that I find that if I can kick my brain into "job" mode, I can usually get through it. Not that a performance is mechanical or unfeeling, but that it is a state of mind that hunkers down and gets the job done. But at a memorial song celebration, I suspect that tears would have a place, even from the leader. My thoughts are with you and your mother, and all who love your Dad.