Singing thru the tears- how?

Subject: RE: Singing thru the tears- how?
From: Jon Freeman
Date: 04 Oct 00 - 06:01 AM

I simply can not sing through the tears. The only answer for me is to avoid the songs such as Maggie that I know I will not get through. It's not much of an anwser but if I am going to cry, I am going to cry - it is as simple as that and I at least know which songs tend to do it to me.

Jon

Subject: RE: Singing thru the tears- how?
From: Linda Mattson
Date: 04 Oct 00 - 05:46 AM

A friend of mine does a workshop at camps which is titled: Songs that Make You Cry. It doesn't help anyone get over crying, but it makes everyone feel comfortable crying...

-Linda

Subject: RE: Singing thru the tears- how?
From: Bernard
Date: 15 Aug 00 - 05:16 PM

People often wonder why I tended to do 'lunatic fringe' songs - larking about, etc. They said 'you've a wonderful voice - do something nice'.

I used to be able to hide behind the idiot - I let my guard down, and now I can't get it back - so, if someone has the solution, I'm up for it.

Subject: RE: Singing thru the tears- how?
From: KT
Date: 15 Aug 00 - 05:09 PM

Liz, I know what you mean about singing in the gallery or elsewhere, away from the faces of those in attendance. It helps to be able to screw up your face or squeeze your eyes shut or turn away from the mike in order to take a long, deep composing breath.....

I also know what you mean about the "May the choirs of angels..." song. That is one I don't think I could pull off as a solo.

Subject: RE: Singing thru the tears- how?
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 15 Aug 00 - 02:57 PM

Kat - how did you know? I've just logged on with the intention of posting a "which song can't you sing without breaking down in". I had to sing a song at a funeral today, a dear sister in Christ, and was desperate to do her justice. I was asked to do one piece ('May the choirs of angels come to greet thee sort' of thing) which I did at a funeral about 5 years ago. I've never been able to sing it since. I was very relieved when it was changed to a version of Psalm 23 (the Lord's my shepherd) to the tune 'She moved through the fair'. But now, I don't think I'll be able to do it again! It was sung during the anointing with holy water (open coffin) and apparently there wasn't a dry eye in the house. I stood in the church gallery to sing it, because I find that if I am emotional, seeing someone else crying will start me off.

Thank you for the intuition that made you refresh this thread.

LTS

Subject: RE: Singing thru the tears- how?
From: Micca
Date: 15 Aug 00 - 02:12 PM

and as for crying, do it if it is appropriate,,they thing I was getting at is dont be afraid of your feelins and even if you muck up the singing, think of your friend, as I did standing at the side, taking the piss and laughing at those upset...and trying to "corpse" the singers...

Subject: RE: Singing thru the tears- how?
From: Micca
Date: 15 Aug 00 - 02:05 PM

Last year I had to do a reading at the funeral of a friend I had known since 1968, his family turned up in sombre suits and ties, several of his friends, including 2 pall bearers , turned up in Hawaiian shirts, and it was appropriate, it was a CELEBRATION of his life... and they laughed when I told a couple of stories of him in the address I gave, and were scandalised when I used the word "fart" more than once, but this was what he would have wanted, We were played out from the service with the tune "Mike Mullins Farewll to his breakfast" and all tho' I still miss him and the convoluted conversations ( he would have LOVED the 'cat!)we used to have. But it was and is important to remember the great Joy he had in and took from life and his sense of the absurd and the ridiculous,and honour those too in his memorial service..and by doing this it was less painful and more appropriate to the life of my friend..I believe this to be true of all funerals and leave taking and hope my friends will do the same for me..Tell stories and sing songs for me and be happy for me...

Subject: RE: Singing thru the tears- how?
From: KT
Date: 15 Aug 00 - 01:17 PM

Funerals, weddings, Hallmark commercials....they all do it to me....this has been a great thread....thanks for refreshing it, Kat. It's good to know that others have a struggle with emotion while performing, and good to hear all of these suggestions. Closing eyes, detaching, and not singing solo have all helped me. I sing regularly at a place where folks are celebrating significant anniversaries, and if it's 50 years of marriage, I sing Let Me Call You Sweetheart. If the couple is really into it, and are holding hands and singing to each other, it's tough. I always ask the audience to join me in singing that one. Takes the edge off. But this thread really gets me to thinking....When I am attending a service where the singer or reader or speaker chokes with emotion, I don't feel that they've failed or let anyone down by losing it. In fact, I think the congregation is "with them" because of it. In a sense, it brings everyone together, perhaps because the emotion we are all trying to stuff is thus named, and it becomes a part of our shared experience. Everyone is probably better for it. Interesting then, that when we are that singer or reader, we feel we've blown it....

Subject: RE: Singing thru the tears- how?
From: Naemanson
Date: 15 Aug 00 - 01:05 PM

It's hard to read these stories without a tear coming to my eye.

I haven't sung at a funeral yet, don't know if I could, but I have done a wedding. I know which I prefer.

Subject: RE: Singing thru the tears- how?
From: AllisonA(Animaterra)
Date: 15 Aug 00 - 01:05 PM

Thanks, kat, for refreshing this thread. I haven't had the chance to try harpgirl's suggestion but I'm glad to remember it. Deep breaths, detatchment, are all helpful, too. And humor, if you can conjure it up at the moment!

Subject: RE: Singing thru the tears- how?
From: Pseudolus
Date: 15 Aug 00 - 12:25 PM

Until reading this I hadn't realized how many funerals I had sung at. I've always described doing that as being in the last place I want to be and being in the ONLY place I'd want to be at the same time. It's an honor to be asked. The most difficult funeral I ever sang was for my grandmother. Not long before she died I heard the song "Goodbye my Friend" by Linda Ronstadt for the first time. I talked to the priest about singing it, he agreed and so I did it. For those of you who don't know the song, there is a line at the end after explaining that "I'm gonna be OK", that goes "You can go now, Goodbye my Friend". Toughest seven words I ever sang. I didn't realize it but I sang the entire last half of the song with my eyes closed. Odd because I didn't think I had the words memorized, but I guess I was focused. Afterwards my Dad said that he wanted me to sing that song at his Funeral. That's when I finally cried. He's still around and I'm not sure if I'll have it in me or not.....

Frank

Subject: RE: Singing thru the tears- how?
From: Charcloth
Date: 15 Aug 00 - 08:04 AM

I have sang at a few funerals mostly dear friends & close relatives One thing I try to do in those cases (like at my grandfather's funeral)is to perform out of eyesight of everyone that way when my grandmom & dad & mom started crying I couldn't see them. I am a 43 year old bearded old fart & I still can't bear to see my mom or dad cry! When I recorded my tape I did a song I wrote about my grandmoms & during it I can hear where emotion choked me& so can folks close to me but it didn't hurt the song & made it more "real." Some hymns hit me when I "look" at the words. If I am to do a song that hits me I do not "listen" to the words as I am singing & I never look at someone in the eyes if I think they will be emotionaly touched to tears as I sing

Subject: RE: Singing thru the tears- how?
From: P05139
Date: 15 Aug 00 - 06:00 AM

I actually ended up having to leave the school choir cos I was crying instead of singing. Since then, I have taught myself to imagine that someone I wouldn't like to see me cry is in the room at the same time. When I do that, I might feel a bit sad but I DON'T CRY!!

Why don't you try that. It works for me, especially when it's famous people!

Subject: RE: Singing thru the tears- how?
From: Sorcha
Date: 15 Aug 00 - 01:36 AM

Ah,CamiSu, what a wonderful story. We are on the same wave length, it seems. And, that is what I am doing now, is crying uncontrollably. The "control" has gone, now that I among friends, and I have finally allowed myself to miss him, even if it was time. There is no WAY I could do Swing Lo at any ones' service.....it is what my (15 yr)daughter and I sing in the car. BTW, my son's REAL name is Cameron, the Lucas Cameron. I had every intention of calling him Cameron, or at least Cam, but I was pre empted by his father and grandfathers, who introduced him to the world as "Lukie". I DID manage to put a stop to Lukie, it is now Luke at least.

Subject: RE: Singing thru the tears- how?
From: CamiSu
Date: 15 Aug 00 - 01:10 AM

Because Sorcha, you know how Peter would have liked it. I sang at my Dad's funeral and really did take that deep breath and do it. One of the things I sang was "Swing Low, Sweet Chariot" which he and I used to sing in the car, and it actually helped. BUT I cried uncontrollably when the service was done.

BTW all of his kids thought it would be great for the #3 brother to run in after the service started and plonk the urns with his ashes down on the table, as my Dad was ALWAYS late for everything and all his friends had told him he'd be late to his own funeral. We decided that his cousin (who was doing the service) would not appreciate the humor in that, so we didn't. I still sort of regret that 'cause Dad would have LOVED it!

I really don't think I could sing for one of my kids, tho. Been too close already, to that.

Subject: RE: Singing thru the tears- how?
From: Sorcha
Date: 15 Aug 00 - 12:53 AM

Thanks, kat. You take a deep deep breath, and say "I can DO this,and I WILL, because I HAVE TO!" You take another deep, deep breath, and say, "I will cry later, Right now, I HAVE to to this for the other people who are missing him" ,and meanwhile, said person is telling me to just go ahead and play my favorite "jumpin'" tune. You say "Peter, I know this is your service, and you don't like this stuff, but this is YOUR FAMILY, after all, and this is what they wanted". I did manage to do it without "jumping" into his fave tune or laughing out loud because the sevice was soooooooooo ridulious for him, but it was difficult.

WHY do I have these urges to do these totallly inappropriate things?

Subject: RE: Singing thru the tears- how?
From: Noreen
Date: 14 Aug 00 - 11:59 PM

Thanks, kat, great relevance here at the moment. With my father-in-law's funeral to come on Thursday we've been talking about who feels able to give a reading, and whether we can manage live music. I'm the same as Allison, my voice leaves me when I cry so I will be of little use.

Allison, did the 'looking up' work? I'll certainly try it.

Noreen

Subject: RE: Singing thru the tears- how?
From: Little Hawk
Date: 14 Aug 00 - 11:53 PM

I always try to engage my emotions deeply in the song (or other performance) if it's a piece that carries deep emotion, in other words if it's appropriate. Sometimes that can get out of hand and result in a loss of control, tears, etc., and you don't want to lose control while performing or it just falls apart.

It's a very fine line. You've got to mobilize the emotion just to the edge and then stop it right there and hold it there. I do this by consciously detaching, going into the mind in a distancing way...I step back just a little. Deep diaphram breathing helps. If necessary even move back a bit from the edge into greater detachment. Once you've come close to the edge the audience is tuned in anyway. Don't look into the eyes of anyone who is going over that edge themselves, or they will pull you with them. If necessary, shut your eyes, and detach and just stay with it.

There have been a handful of songs over the years that would bring me to tears every time I heard them. One was "Moonshot" by Buffy Sainte-Marie, another was "My Country 'Tis Of The People You're Dying", and another was a eulogy she wrote for North America ("I knew America when she was just a child, her love astounded me, it haunts me still...")...all those were by Buffy.

Then there's the Stan Rogers song about the farm wife. It's called "Lies".

And there were a couple by Jackson Browne, and a couple by Mary Chapin Carpenter.

Tears every time. It took ages to be able to sing them in front of anyone.

With certian of my own songs, I've got to practice them numerous times, until I get that edge mastered...and then I can handle it.

I hope that helps.

Subject: RE: Singing thru the tears- how?
From: katlaughing
Date: 14 Aug 00 - 11:34 PM

A few folks have been going through singing at friend's funerals and such recently, so I thought it might be good to refresh this. Lots of good in these postings.

kat

Subject: RE: Singing thru the tears- how?
From: Don Meixner
Date: 30 Dec 98 - 11:52 PM

Singin thru the tears.

I can hold them back till the song is over. Then I let them flow, drink a bit of stout and salute the cause of the tears, then I go back to work. Done right it usually brings the audience to the same emotional level I'm at. From that equal footing, we just press on.

Don

Subject: RE: Singing thru the tears- how?
From: Susan-Marie
Date: 30 Dec 98 - 09:11 AM

There's a lot of good advice here (I love that look-to-the-right trick, I'll have to try it next time I have stage fright). When I start getting choked up speaking or singing, I visualize icebergs as a brake on my runaway emotions. Why icebergs? They're cold and unemotional, and they block out images of crying children, ravaged forests, etc. I would imagine other things would work too - anything that makes you feel cold and detached. I don't do it for the whole song, just when I need to get a grip.

Subject: RE: Singing thru the tears- how?
From:
Date: 28 Dec 98 - 02:32 PM

Guys If you are left handed and you curl your hand around to the right to write you are probably wired like right handers unless they curl their hands to the left. he he he

Subject: RE: Singing thru the tears- how?
From: Animaterra
Date: 28 Dec 98 - 06:44 AM

Yes, harpgirl, I am indeed an abnormally disorganized left-hander... but I'll try your advice (in reverse!) next time it happens- never can tell my left from my right anyway! Jack, that's just it- I *can't* remain in control of the song when I cry- the phrase "all choked up" speaks volumes. That's why I value all the good help and advice you've all given. Incidentally, it's been so good here I'm almost nervous- even my sometimes-controlling sister who's here for 4 more days than expected is relaxing, having a good time, and singing in harmony!

Subject: RE: Singing thru the tears- how?
From: Jack mostly folk
Date: 28 Dec 98 - 02:34 AM

Animaterra, Singing should be done with emotions. As long as you can weep tears and still remain in control of the song, you have indeed been blessed with a gift, not a burden.Use it. Jack

Subject: RE: Singing thru the tears- how?
From: Joe Offer
Date: 27 Dec 98 - 11:44 PM

Hey, Harpy, what are we disorganized left-handers supposed to do? I just stay away from solos - I'm an old schmaltz, and I'm proud of it.
-Joe Offer-

Subject: RE: Singing thru the tears- how?
From: harpgirl
Date: 27 Dec 98 - 10:27 PM

Hi Animaterra,
Actually I certainly agree that singing is a deeply emotional experience. Emotions are good and nothing to be ashamed about. Sorrow, grief, joy, anger, fear and all the nuances of these feelings help us to identify with one another and to express ourselves when words aren't enough...emotional expression is the river we all know...that runs through us all...
Practically speaking, if you are a normally organized right hander, you will build new visual memory ( of singing confidently if you visualize that)and block out the emotional memory which is accessed when one's eyes look down to the right. The cross visual field stimulation should be done repreatedly until emotional memories are dissociated with the songs you sing...kind of like walking a mule into new traces and leaving the old one...try it a few times and see if you can then have more choice about when you cry...like joe, I find it difficult not to cry at funerals, so I don't try to stop...so many people I have loved have passed on...and so many brave the cold winds of fate...good luck...harp

Subject: RE: Singing thru the tears- how?
From: Animaterra
Date: 27 Dec 98 - 06:19 PM

Thanks, Mick- it's true that for some reason the tears come at most unexpected times. If I know that it's a "trigger" song I can be prepared and practice! Alan S., I too have a son with a disability (Asperger's syndrome, related to autism) and the most earth-shaking moments for me are when we reach him, or he reaches us, as when he joined us in singing a whole verse of "Amazing Grace". That's why I've got to learn Barry's song! I agree that tears are nothing to be ashamed of, it's just that they come all too frequently and are a far worse curse for me than stage fright. And I'm one of those whose pipes just freeze and get all squeaky- so all of the advice has been much appreciated (even tho' I still don't know why I should look towards the upper right- harpgirl, are you there?)

Subject: RE: Singing thru the tears- how?
From: Big Mick
Date: 27 Dec 98 - 01:08 PM

I understand this one to a degree, and the answer lies in the "stage fright" thread. Everyone has a different way. For me, songs of the warrior, such as "Green Fields of France" or Tim Irvin's "After the War" are difficult. Great love songs such as "The Dutchman" or "The Hiring Fair" stir strong feelings. What I do when a song stirs me deeply is to practice it and practice it and practice it, until the edge comes off. Then, when I get ready to perform it, I choose the person/persons in the audience that seem most receptive, and try to transmit the emotion to them. I concentrate on interpreting for them alone. It takes me out of it, and allows me to remain appropriately composed. If I get the desired response, I have been successful. Yet, sometimes, one gets in a zone where the audience is not there, and you are completely lost in your feelings about the song. Those are the best moments, but they do not happen often. That is probably good.

All the best,

Mick Lane

Subject: RE: Singing thru the tears- how?
From: Art Thieme
Date: 27 Dec 98 - 12:23 PM

Just go with the flow!!!

Subject: RE: Singing thru the tears- how?
From: Allan. S.
Date: 27 Dec 98 - 11:33 AM

Hi THere Animaterra Never be afraid of crying. As the parents of 2 handicaped adults. Both deaf and one retarded. [Umbicial cord around neck at birth both given Asprin when had high fever.] Yes we do cry at films, songs, Cant get through Puff the Mag. Dragon. We had an old expression in the Army "If they cant take a joke Fuck em" Well if people cant take your emotions they are not worth knowing. Just use the old Brit expression on them. "Fuck off"

Subject: RE: Singing thru the tears- how?
From: Animaterra
Date: 27 Dec 98 - 06:57 AM

That's okay, Barry, it was a great reminder. Thanks for the support and advice, all. Harpgirl, why the upper right? I'll try it when the need arises. Joe, I once knew a woman who sang at her own son's funeral; she said she practiced detachment, but I still don't know.

Subject: RE: Singing thru the tears- how?
From: Barry Finn
Date: 27 Dec 98 - 12:30 AM

Sorry Animaterra, I went back to look at the old posting of the above song thinking that you may have been involved & found you were (& thanks for that). I didn't mean to repeat myself I could've just post my comments instaed. Happy Holidays. Barry

Subject: Lyr Add: You Wouldn't Know It to Look at Me^^
From: Barry Finn
Date: 26 Dec 98 - 11:57 PM

Hi Animaterra, I don't make it through the song unless I've sung it a number of times & then I still have to almost bite my tongue to steel myself to get through it. I wrote this song for my kid (I posted this awhile back but I thought if you hadn't seen it you may be interested in it), the night I came home with it I couldn't sing it for my wife so I read it, still couldn't get through it without messing myself. The more I sang it the more I could get through it. Then I took it to the two guys I was singing with (one is the father of a severly impaired young adult) & made it through OK but shocked them. I thought that I could now sing it, sang it for someone at Mystic, couldn't even get halfway before dropping it altogether. I've sung it a couple of times now without flubbing it at a singers session. Never would've guessed I'd have come this far with it but I guess singing it over & over with the idea of doing it so I won't break down helped. Here it is.

"You Wouldn't Know It To Look At Me"
(tune; traditional Australian, "One Of The Has-Beens,
words; Barry Finn)

"You're not listening to me are you deaf in both ears
Don't you see what you've caused, have you been blind all these years
Could you just give an answer, so I know you're not dumb
For Christ sakes, you bird brain, has a cat got your tounge

Chorus
I'm as cute as any other kid
I can run, jump & shout
You wouldn't know it to look at me
At times I can't work things out
I'm not stupid, I'm not lazy, I try very hard
With a little compassion I could go pretty far

Well, school is a torture, the teasing won't quit
My thoughts go off track, and my aide has a fit
You see some things I excell in, so much that I'm bored
You wouldn't know it to look at me, it takes all that I'm worth

The kids scorn & laugh at me, I don't have a friend
You can feel my heart break, I wonder when this will end
The mistreatment & abuse I take, it's really a crime
But I'm told to ignore it, though it happens all of the time

Chorus

I know it's hard on my family, I can't change a thing
The aunts & uncles blame it on my folks & say it's poor upbringing
The love & affection others get all the time
I only hear people yell at me, when I ask where is mine

I never feel comfort, no shoulder, no hug
A system to support me, was pulled out like a rug
If you can't understand this, you may be worse off than me
But I won't hold it against you cause you're deaf & can't see

Chorus

I may be mildly autistic or just plain O.C.D.
I may twitch with Tourette's, or have A.D.D.
If you see me cross my eyes, instead of my T's
You wouldn't know it to look at me that I have special needs

Chorus

Copyright Barry Finn 1998

Good luck with trying to brace yourself. Barry

Subject: RE: Singing thru the tears- how?
From: Joe Offer
Date: 26 Dec 98 - 10:48 PM

I sing at a lot of funerals, and it doesn't seem to get easier. Luckily, I rarely sing solo. Maybe that's good advice - if you're the type who's likely to break down, sing with others.
Last January, I went to the funeral of the 19-yr-old kid who used to live across the street, a kid I'd known since he was a baby. During the scripture readings, his classmates would read a couple of verses from the 23rd Psalm, and the choir and congregation would respond with a sung verse. It started beautifully, and then one of the girls broke down in tears while she was reading her verse. The only response the congregation could muster was a little squeak. It sounded awful, but maybe it didn't matter. What mattered was that there were 750 people feeling the same deep feeling at the same time.
-Joe Offer-

Subject: RE: Singing thru the tears- how?
From: Bill D
Date: 26 Dec 98 - 09:49 PM

*sigh*...if you get the answer, I'd like to have it...*smile*..I am a grumpy old curmudgeon, and there are many times when I just cannot face certain songs or situations....some ARE moved by music to tears, other use the music to keep from the tears..it is just how you are put together inside...perhaps by facing some emotional situations over & over until you develop a callous on your mind..but that is not really what you want, is it? *smile* .....I break down at funerals for total strangers, and I have been trying not to for 40 years...

Subject: RE: Singing thru the tears- how?
From: harpgirl
Date: 26 Dec 98 - 09:42 PM

Animaterra, Try looking up to the right and visualizing yourself singing in a calm and composed manner. Maintain eye contact with anything in the upper right of your visual field...if this doesn't work let me know...do not look down to the right...or try moving something left to right in your visual field slightly above eye level and watching it as you sing...harp

Subject: How can I keep from crying?
From: Animaterra
Date: 26 Dec 98 - 08:11 PM

It happened on the 18th when we sang "Amazing Grace" for Andy... it happened Christmas Eve during a candlelit "Silent Night".. it happened a few years ago during a solo at church... it happened when I tried to sing "Parting Glass" just before moving away... those wretched tears clog me up, make me squeak and moan and drip and drizzle... -it occurs to me that the 'Cat may be a place where I finally learn how to overcome a major stumbling block in my singing career: how can I keep from crying, when emotions get, well, emotional, or, failing that, how can I sing through the tears without sounding like a cross between a howling dog and a dying cow? Or, most likely, I get completely blocked up and have to stop entirely. How do you cope?