BS: Whine Fest

Subject: RE: BS: Whine Fest
From: katlaughing
Date: 09 Sep 04 - 03:21 PM

Michelle, after your rest, I hope that this day brings you a small ray of hope, even if it is just the scent of a fall rose blooming or the snuggling love of one of your cats, dogs, or hen (she sounds so cute!) These are all messages of love and support and meant to help your heart to not hurt so much, as are our messages and thoughts which we send to you.

When and if you can find the strength within you, it might be helpful to make a scrapbook of Veronica and yourselves...something to share with her if/when she comes back and to look over in the meantime. A way to focus on the good that you DID have with her. Or, write in a journal to her; pour your heart out to her about how much you care, hurt, long to hold her, etc.

Also, a guided imagery tape might be of help. I esp. like the ones by Belleruth Naparstek which can find be found here: Ease Grief.

Lots of hugs and good thoughts coming your way from Colorado,

kat

Subject: RE: BS: Whine Fest
From: wysiwyg
Date: 09 Sep 04 - 01:13 PM

Is the insulin a tad high at the moment? Does that level itself out, or might you need to sip some juice?

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: Whine Fest
From: LilyFestre
Date: 09 Sep 04 - 12:29 PM

I slept ALL night. Started new insulin today and am feeling sick. I think I shall skip class and go back to bed.

Michelle

Subject: RE: BS: Whine Fest
From: SINSULL
Date: 09 Sep 04 - 10:30 AM

Did you sleep well, lady? Ready for some oatmeal or sausage and eggs? Maybe just tea and toast? Give Pete a hug and mail the letter.
Mary

Subject: RE: BS: Whine Fest
From: wysiwyg
Date: 08 Sep 04 - 07:06 PM

RE: Someone keeping an eye on you so you don't bottom out on the insulin?

I got message all is well on that front.

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: Whine Fest
From: SINSULL
Date: 08 Sep 04 - 06:54 PM

Writing the card was something productive, Michelle. Congratulations. It is hard for you to see now but you are taking steps towards dealing with your pain. A few bites at lunch - sounds familiar. And that first night of sleeping via pills - heaven. Once you re-establish a sleep pattern, you probably won't need them very often.

No rage? You did rip up two photos of Veronica's mother. Rage (anger) is good and healthy. Just make sure you focus it out and not at yourself. "Guilt is anger turned inward" - my mantra through five years of therapy. Also make sure that you aim it at the person who deserves it not at a the easiest or most convenient target - poor Pete. He sounds like a saint.

I have a book I used to help me identify and develop some coping skills when my son's addiction became a real issue. The author is a smug "Boy am I good" type but gives some very simple and concrete guidelines for working through a loss. The "Feeling Good Handbook" is more than likely at your library.

If it doesn't appeal to you, simply make a copy of the list re: Ten Most Common Misperceptions. Years later I still use that list when trying to find get a handle on a problem.

Re: the woman with four children. She wouldn't have parted with the worst of the bunch had you offered to take one. Ironic that she crossed your path. It must feel as if Fate is smacking you in the face at every turn.

The ultimate truth is that you are the only real parent that Veronica has ever had. The other reality is that she may very well come back into your life and when she does you will have to be at your top performance both to deal with a child who has almost no stability and the legal issues you will face to keep her next time. Keep taking care of yourself one day at a time.

Subject: RE: BS: Whine Fest
From: wysiwyg
Date: 08 Sep 04 - 06:50 PM

Someone keeping an eye on you so you don't bottom out on the insulin?

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: Whine Fest
From: LilyFestre
Date: 08 Sep 04 - 06:47 PM

Sleep meds,,,took em an hour agoi. hinking teya re startubg ti wirk, Niteee all you wonderful peop;le.nn
Sweet Dreans
Michelleee

Subject: RE: BS: Whine Fest
From: wysiwyg
Date: 08 Sep 04 - 04:02 PM

Rest well, read PM about sleep vs. insulin, OK?

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: Whine Fest
From: LilyFestre
Date: 08 Sep 04 - 04:01 PM

I just sat down and wrote out Veronica's card....signed it with lots of love from Pete and I, all the animals (9 dogs, 6 cats and Henrietta the Hen) and silly drawings. I went in search of her NY zip code, got out my address book and opened it up to a hand drawn note (from Veronica) of bubble letters that reads: I LOVE YOU.

Why doesn't someone just rip my heart out of my body, throw it on the floor and dance on it?

:(   :(   :(

I give up and am calling it a day.

Michelle

Subject: RE: BS: Whine Fest
From: LilyFestre
Date: 08 Sep 04 - 02:39 PM

Update:

I went to the Dr. this morning. He changed my insulin, gave me sleeping pills and something to settle the panic I am feeling. Sooo..I will be a well rested zombie with (hopefully) more stable sugar levels. I am not fond of all the medications but it will work for now. The Dr. kept asking me if I felt any rage or extreme anger or frequent irritation...I don't feel any rage about anything....I am just SO tired.

My husband took the day off to go to the Dr. with me, then he took me out for lunch to one of my favorite spots (I think he's really just wanting me to eat something...which I did...not much...but more than yesterday). After lunch, I went to a noon service at my church. I think I heard half of what was said...but that's a start too. The timing of things is quite amazing...some of the things said in church were hitting me directly in the face.

There was a woman who walked out of the church with me...someone I didn't know...who asked me if I had children. I told her no (okay..that smarted) and then she went on to tell me that she had 4 children and as soon as she figured out why she kept having them, she quit. She said I was smart. I wanted to tell her that she was incredibly lucky. *sigh*

Now I'm home and I'm going to do SOMETHING productive...I don't know what it is yet but I am going to do SOMETHING!!!!!!!!!!!

I appreciate all the posts and PMs very much. I reread several of them over and over last night around 2:30am while I was banging around the house, unable to sleep.

Michelle

Subject: RE: BS: Whine Fest
From: Kim C
Date: 08 Sep 04 - 12:51 PM

Michelle, you have done a wonderful thing for a little girl. Be proud of that, and don't lose hope.

In the meantime... ditto everything about the glucose. If your sugar gets dangerously high, you'll be in a world of trouble. Take care of yourself.

Subject: RE: BS: Whine Fest
From: wysiwyg
Date: 08 Sep 04 - 12:43 PM

Sounds to me like she's already been an incredible parent and does not need this kind of backhanded criticism.

Kat, in my great concern for Michelle, I forgot that people might not know that we know each other in real life, and I posted what I am sure she understood, and it was not criticism. Obviously you took my comment differently than I meant it, and then didn't read the rest of my posts strongly affirming her.

A thread in support of one person doesn't need to become an argument among those willing to help. It's not a competition for who is the best helper. Michelle is perfectly able to choose what help she wants to use, as are we all. She does not need to be saved from whatever skewed view you have of me. She makes her own choices just fine.


Michelle, in fact I admire the way you've handled this. I think you are completely capable of dealing with all of it-- the feelings, the practical issues, your health, all of it. I think you ARE handling it. I'm just sorry it's so hard. But you ARE handling it, and with great strength.

~Susan

Subject: RE: BS: Whine Fest
From: katlaughing
Date: 08 Sep 04 - 12:02 PM

dedicate this grief to being a better parent for the future. Sounds to me like she's already been an incredible parent and does not need this kind of backhanded criticism.

Susan, imo, not everyone grieves the same way, nor needs to.

Michelle, PM coming your way, but I would like to URGE you to get to your doc and get the blood sugar under control. That is dangerously high. If you do not take care of yourself now, who will be there for Veronica is she comes back...or for Pete or any other children who may come into your life?

{{{{{{{{{Michelle}}}}}}}}}

Subject: RE: BS: Whine Fest
From: wysiwyg
Date: 08 Sep 04 - 08:43 AM

Organizing some resources heading your way.

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: Whine Fest
From: wysiwyg
Date: 07 Sep 04 - 10:58 PM

Michelle, peedeecee is right.

Greg will call you in the next 48 hours-- is tied up in the AM already and the day goes to hell from there.

Please, talk to Pete about the sugars. You're supposed to let him care for you-- honest, it's in the Bible. He'll worry more if you do NOT tell him. Blame it on me. :~)

Check PM for a new sign.

You can DO this. We all think so!

~Susan

Subject: RE: BS: Whine Fest
From: GUEST,peedeecee
Date: 07 Sep 04 - 10:34 PM

Lord, I could be reading about myself. You call your thread a "whine fest," you apologize for normal human behaviour (falling apart from grief is normal human behaviour); you thank people too much -- hey, be human, let go and howl and stop trying to be perfect and apologizing when you think you aren't. I assume Pete is your husband -- let him hold you and worry about you, and share your blood sugar info with him (he's entitled) and stop trying to Cope and Take it in Your Stride and Deal with it in a Mature, Responsible Fashion.

Be weak -- all strong people are allowed and entitled to be weak and to be taken care of. It's not permanent. Lean, cling, rely.

If you can take sick time from work, I think you should. You are sick with grief.

(Sorry for jumping in like this, but I really recognized myself in your posts.)

Subject: RE: BS: Whine Fest
From: LilyFestre
Date: 07 Sep 04 - 10:22 PM

Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.

I don't like to cry in front of anyone....maybe why I haven't been to talk to my pastor....

Blood sugars are indeed running high due to stress, illness, etc. Hospital? NO NO NO

What does Pete say? He says, I love you. Can I do anything to help? Are you going to eat something TODAY? He's a good egg who is putting up with me and reassuring me that everything is going to be okay. I have not told him about all (but he does know about some)the high glucose levels...he's worried enough.

Michelle

Subject: RE: BS: Whine Fest
From: wysiwyg
Date: 07 Sep 04 - 10:04 PM

OK.

1. You're doing it right.

2. Your pastor knows what to say so he'll call YOU, tomorrow, or you could call him and just weep, and he'd know what to do from there.

3. Your plan what to write her is PERFECT.

4. Re-read #1.


You can DO this. Keep those photos handy and look at them when you can.

It's OK to be a mess. I mean I know it hurts like a son of a bitch and is scary but it is necessary if we are to remain human beans.

And.... V is probably not as miserable as you are, because kids really are so resilient-- so don't be worrying about her TOO much.

Go back to #1 again.

I'm sending you a CD full of pictures via Bonnie or Greg so you can get some visual inputs away from the hurt, for staring time.

NOW-- the sugar--

Isn't that a pretty high number? The sugar is no doubt not helping, so I would hope your doc is giving you correct management help. If it ain't under control-- and ain't getting under control-- maybe you need to be in hospital.

What does Pete say about that?

~Susan

Subject: RE: BS: Whine Fest
From: mg
Date: 07 Sep 04 - 09:58 PM

Obviously you have a very strong maternal nature. Are you or can you get certified as a foster parent? It might help if Veronica becomes available, and God knows there are numerous other children who need help... mg

Subject: RE: BS: Whine Fest
From: LilyFestre
Date: 07 Sep 04 - 09:47 PM

Thanks again........lots of good thoughts here and I am SO wanting to take it all in and use it.

Food...lots of water? Gross..it's not gonna stay.
Blood sugars? Running 377 and up.....no food going in...just the body absolutely freaked out...I am monitoring this and taking the fast acting insulin only as I can't predict for the long term right now.

As far as Veronica's picture.....I have put away all but 2 photos of her. I just can't look at her right now....makes me cry, makes me angry, frustrated and just generally wipes me out. I have cleaned out all the dressers in her bedroom. Her toys are all in her room to be packed up on a day when I can sit and cry. My friend offered to come help me sort it all out and I will take her up on it. For now, all Veronica's belongings are going into storage because I just can't have it here. I have ripped up 2 photos of her mother.

Calling my pastor....well, I wrote to him and he wrote back. I'd talk to him if I had any clue as to what to say..but I just don't. As can be clearly seen, I am all over the place and yet feel like I am in hiding.

Given my choice in the matter, I'd stay home, take care of my husband, animals and house and the rest of the world could take a flying leap.

Thanks for all the thoughts, advice and understanding. I'm working on it....

My plan is to send out a card to Veronica tomorrow telling her that we have been thinking of her and hoped her first day of 7th grade went well. I am also going to send her a photo of the sonogram of my friend (who is having twins) as Veronica was SO excited about the new baby to come....she left before we knew it was twins....I'm sure that will bring about that sweet smile.

Michelle

Subject: RE: BS: Whine Fest
From: wysiwyg
Date: 07 Sep 04 - 09:15 PM

These are MY gray hairs talking:

Yup, that's how it goes. It DOES pass but this is how it passes.

You get to exercise some choice in how you do it though-- the cleanest way to grieve is by looking at the happiness. Put her happiest picture in front of you-- the Christmas card family-style would be a good approach-- and stick the good memories deep in your heart like a knife to lance the festering parts of the wound.

Arrange a chance to fall asleep after the spate of tears, then go for a walk after the nap, and do this cycle again, and again, and again.

MAKE yourself balance the crying time with time spent with all your attention on something positive in present time so your brain chemistry has time to recover in between physiologically.

Take a lot of extra vitamin C & B because the tears will flush them out. Pee a lot. Drink a lot of water. Use artificial tears. Watch your blood sugar-- this is stress afecting it.

NONE of this will make it feel any better, but it will help you manage it and survive it and get through it faster and with more positive lessons learned for later.

I swear to God. This is how it is done. And-- call your pastor, OK, he's gotten some parenting gray hairs, too, and can help in areas we can't.

Another good person to ask about grieving is Mudcatter Animaterra.

Hang in there, you can DO this.

~Susan

Subject: RE: BS: Whine Fest
From: LilyFestre
Date: 07 Sep 04 - 08:19 PM

I've been to the Dr. Must be I look a mess because the receptionist came out and gave me a hug when I walked in the door. Nice people...trying to help....it takes time though...and I am impatient and so tired of being sick and tired and sad. I keep telling myself that this too shall pass....it has to.

I have a little sign hanging up in my bathroom beside the mirror. As I dry my hair in the morning, I read it outloud to myself.....at least 3 times...and try to keep it all in my mind and in perspective.

It says: Good Morning. This is God. I will be handling all your problems today. I will not need your help. So go enjoy your day.

*big Sigh*   It comes in waves...sometimes tolerable....many times, it just isn't.

Michelle

Subject: RE: BS: Whine Fest
From: SINSULL
Date: 07 Sep 04 - 08:08 PM

Too long, Lily. Get some help. See your family doctor and then a therapist if necessary. The last thing Veronica needs is for you to fall apart especially if she is headed back to you. Stay strong.

A little trick I play on myself when the world falls apart - pretend it is a year from now and this crisis is not only over but settled to my satisfaction. A form of meditation I guess. "What the mind of man can conceive and believe, it can achieve."

Subject: RE: BS: Whine Fest
From: LilyFestre
Date: 07 Sep 04 - 08:05 PM

Sorry....venting...

And Peedeecee (((((((((Thank you and hugs))))))))))))))

Michelle

Subject: RE: BS: Whine Fest
From: GUEST,peedeecee
Date: 07 Sep 04 - 08:04 PM

Not my business, but I've also lost a daughter. Please seek counselling if you can -- it was the only thing that kept me from ending up in a hospital. My very, very best wishes for you, and my heart is with you.

Subject: RE: BS: Whine Fest
From: LilyFestre
Date: 07 Sep 04 - 07:58 PM

Quite frankly, I am a mess. I have been physically sick for at least a month, can't sleep much, can't concentrate on much of anything (and being that this is week #2 of university..this is a problem), I can't eat...lost 12 pounds THIS week, I cry every f*cking morning, my house is a disaster and I don't care....the only peace I have found is in riding around the woods for hours...I am not suicidal but I am pretty fucking unhappy.

Michelle

Subject: RE: BS: Whine Fest
From: wysiwyg
Date: 07 Sep 04 - 07:49 PM

Parenting IS hard. We get the grief in different ways, but I would bet all of us raising kids have had our hearts broken, and I think as humans we just have to go through it in one form or another. It's a club that's earned any wisdom, the hard way. We don't always tell how we've learned stuff, but those gray hairs don't just pop up with no reason. One thing you can do now is dedicate this grief to being a better parent for the future. Aim it in that direction, so to speak.

~Susan

Subject: RE: BS: Whine Fest
From: LilyFestre
Date: 07 Sep 04 - 07:45 PM

Thanks. We received a call from someone in NY...not sure if it was Veronica or her Mom as they didn't leave a message. I will be writing to Veronica this week.

This is hard. Really hard.

Michelle

Subject: RE: BS: Whine Fest
From: wysiwyg
Date: 07 Sep 04 - 07:43 PM

Yup, we're still thinking of you and V.

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: Whine Fest
From: SINSULL
Date: 07 Sep 04 - 07:34 PM

Any news, Lily? Has Veronica been allowed to contact you? She and you are in my prayers.
Mary

Subject: RE: BS: Whine Fest
From: katlaughing
Date: 30 Aug 04 - 08:37 PM

Michelle, what you have done and continue to do is admirable and I wish you, your partner, and Veronica all the best in such a sad situation. Did you have something in writing which authorised you to have her treated, medically , if need be, and appointing you to be her temp. guardian as far as school was concerned? I would think that would count for something, legally.

Also, are you allowed to send her cards, letters, or call her once in awhile? After things calm down a little?

It sounds as though she knows this, but it wouldn't hurt to affirm for her that she has a safe haven to come to if she just cannot take being at her mother's and decides to take things into her own hands by running away. She's getting close to that age where kids do such things when desperate.

This is one of those times when Mudcat really shines; when we can share a sorrow and in doing so, perhaps lessen it, even if it be but a little while.

I will include you and Veronica in my thanks givings and *see* the situation wokring out for the highest good of all concerned.

{{{{{{{{Michelle}}}}}}}}}

kat

Subject: RE: BS: Whine Fest
From: LilyFestre
Date: 30 Aug 04 - 08:05 PM

I'm not doing anything now except trying to get through my days. I am not documenting now per say....I HAVE documented quite a bit as she was here...part of a daily calendar of sorts. I have receipts, notes, any correspondance and the things as noted above.

I will be taking some action but it will be when I know that I can discuss these things without choking up. Right now, I cannot do that.

I'm too close and too hurt right now....let's not forget anger.....I'm feeling loads of that as well. I know that can be productive but at the moment, I'm afraid it would be more of a destructive nature.

I really appreciate all the thoughts, prayers, kind words and emails that I have recieved....I don't feel so alone with this...thank you all so very much.

Michelle

Subject: RE: BS: Whine Fest
From: wysiwyg
Date: 30 Aug 04 - 05:19 PM

LF,

Before following anyone's well-meant advice, consult a lawyer who's been around the block in family law. I would think that documenting things now would cast you in the light of a sore loser with an agenda, and the result may be V ending up in foster care where you can't have any contact at all. Please take time to grieve, think, consult, and consider long-term ramifications before you take action. There are a lot of angles to this....

~Susan

Subject: RE: BS: Whine Fest
From: M.Ted
Date: 30 Aug 04 - 01:06 PM

What sort of formal arrangement was made for Veronica to live with you in the first place? Was it a foster care arrangement? Was there a case worker monitoring Veronica's care, and is there a caseworker monitoring Veronica's care now?

If there is, you should contact them and make them aware of the changes that have been made--if not, or if you don't know, contact the people you work with at the Fresh Air Fund and let them know what is going on--they may be able to intervene on Veronica's behalf, or at least to steer you to an advocate of some sort that can--

Also, contact counselors at the middle school and tell them about what has happened, and about your concerns--they may be able to advocate or find an advocate for Veronica, if even half of what you say is true, she needs one--

Subject: RE: BS: Whine Fest
From: Wolfgang
Date: 30 Aug 04 - 11:19 AM

I feel for you and Veronica. It is such a sad story. I would also be davastated. It doesn't help a lot now I know, but in the worst case (for you and Veronica) you'll know you have given her many months of love, affection and security.

Wolfgang

Subject: RE: BS: Whine Fest
From: LilyFestre
Date: 30 Aug 04 - 08:47 AM

I have kept a journal of many of the things that have happened with Veronica and her mother. It is a very sad log of a little girl who has been repeatedly let down and faced with broken promises. It is also a record of her health and how her basic shots were not up to date, how incredibly BAD her vision was when she came here and yet had NEVER been to an eye Dr. It is a record of Veronica's behavior when she returned from previous visits with her mother, how she has come back with bruises from her older brother and bite marks (on her stomach....that have left scars)from her younger sister (2 years younger). What I have is a record that just breaks my heart. I know that Veronica is not being beaten physically but that poor child has been let down, shoved away and disappointed until it just makes me cry. She doesn't understand why she was sent away while her brother and sister were allowed to remain home. She doesn't understand why "Mommy" doesn't call. She makes excuses for each let down as a means to protect her poor little heart.

That day when Veronica's mother called to say that she wanted Veronica to live with her now because the punishment was over, I told her mother that Veronica was doing very well here. She is on the honor roll at school (which she never had been and in addition, her behavior marks were now all satisfactory...which were shaky before), that she had friends here and people who LOVE her...and that she was HAPPY. Her mother said that she didn't think Veronica was happy here (AS IF SHE WOULD FREAKING KNOW ANYTHING SINCE SHE NEVER TAKES THE TIME TO CALL HER CHILD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!). She said she would ask Veronica where she wanted to live. That's all well and good, but Veronica just turned 12 and that is an AWFUL place to put a child in. Should she tell her mother that she wants to stay where she is loved and taken care of or should she tell her that she wants to live with her? Veronica took the day to think about it and I did my best not to prod her in any one direction (although I REALLY REALLY wanted to). She called her mother that night and told her that she wanted to live here, that she wanted to go to school here and have more contact with her mother on the phone and more visits with her (once every other month instead of once every 6-8 months). I guess I shouldn't be surprised even a little tiny bit that her mother went ahead and did what SHE wanted instead of what Veronica wanted. If she wasn't going to allow Veronica to have a say in the matter, why bother asking her and putting her in such a bad position. We told Veronica that no matter what she decided, someone was going to be sad. We also told her that whatever her decision was, we would understand and love her no matter what. It's the best I could do.

Her mother called on August 11th and I have been physically sick with this since then. I had a VERY bad feeling and I suppose I knew deep down that Veronica would end up at her mothers, especially after seeing her. It makes sense (to my head anyway) that Veronica has been deprived of affection for so very long by her birth family that any smidgen of attention from them would bring almost overwhelming joy for her. She craves her mom's love and I know that is completely normal. I worry about what will happen when Mom gets tired of dealing with her this time. We also are aware that Veronica has been sent away before. She was sent to Santo Domingo to live when she was very young, she was living with her Godparents in NY for a period of time shortly before she came to live with us. Her mother moved her from the Godparents because they said something that was not complimentary towards Veronica's mother (GO FIGURE!).

I have heard countless tales about how the mother doesn't get home until after 8:30pm leaving all three kids alone (in the projects of Brooklyn...the oldest child being 14 and abusive), how they all fend for themselves when it comes to meals and how the mother usually is out of the house before the kids even get up for school. There is SO much more but you get the general idea.

Today Veronica would have started her very first day of 7th Grade in the Middle School. This would have been a new building for her and she was incredibly excited about moving to a new building and having a locker. I wonder where she is, what she is doing and if she wishes she were here.

My house is incredibly quiet and there's an empty spot that lingers. I haven't cried yet this morning...

Michelle

Subject: RE: BS: Whine Fest
From: bet
Date: 30 Aug 04 - 02:33 AM

Michelle,
I have no words to exprees my sadness for this child and you. How very unfair to you both. There are some great postings above and should be reread over and over. I hope they help. My thoughts are with you. bet

Subject: RE: BS: Whine Fest
From: mg
Date: 30 Aug 04 - 02:21 AM

The mother is engaging in emotional abuse and this should be put in writing, perhaps notarized, to the authorities. Granted, they have such awful situations to deal with that they might not respond, but you need a paper trail. I hope you are keeping a journal or something. mg

Subject: RE: BS: Whine Fest
From: wysiwyg
Date: 29 Aug 04 - 07:22 PM

We'll keep 'em coming. Gosh, it's gotta hurt so much. Grieve it strong and loud-- it will go faster and get balled up less with other stuff in there.

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: Whine Fest
From: LilyFestre
Date: 29 Aug 04 - 06:46 PM

I just want to thank you for the posts. I feel lost and numb. My husband and I spent the day outside in the country...walking and talking. I really appreciate all the good thoughts and prayers.

Michelle

Subject: RE: BS: Whine Fest
From: wysiwyg
Date: 29 Aug 04 - 09:17 AM

Michelle,

I'm so sorry for your loss. I know the ground you are walking on better than you can probably realize. It's bitter ground now matter how you look at it. I'm writing from that exeprience as well as from being involved in a lot of others' situations from my husband's work.

I hope that Veronica will be able to call you, and I hope you will continue the connection from your end. If you let just a little time pass and then write to her, I would bet her mother will give her the letter. You can do so much to lift her up. The tough part, as I indicated in a post above, will be the boundary issues inherent in any stepchild or foster-child situation. These not only remain but are now more important than ever, and I hope you will get some support so that you can continue to be a strong, loving influence in Veronica's life.

Please do not ever forget that you sent back a young lady better equipped to handle whatever will come her way, in her home and in her environment. She has far more power in that situation than it probably feels like. That one is a survivor, and her chances are better now than they ever were before you knew her. I know that right now all you can focus on is the hurt, and your concerns for her wellbeing, and they are valid concerns. But she WILL keep all she gained during her time with you, not only what you gave her but from ALL the friends she made. And she will continue to do what I think she's always done well-- make lemonade from lemons.

Again, I'm so sorry for your loss. She (and her two families) will be in our prayers.

~Susan

Subject: RE: BS: Whine Fest
From: jacqui.c
Date: 29 Aug 04 - 04:39 AM

Michelle

My heart goes out to you - it must be so difficult to be in your situation.

Veronica will never forget your love and care for her and I too think she will be back, but she may lay some of the blame on you for letting her go - children that age don't see the practicalities, only knowing the feeling of not being wanted.

I can't understand how a mother can behave in such a way - this is just total selfishness and selfcentredness. Parenting is the most important thing that we do in our lifetimes and it seems that so many parents are so ill equipped for the role. It's a shame that parents don't have to take an exam to show they can do the job properly before being let loose on such an important mission!

Subject: RE: BS: Whine Fest
From: Sorcha
Date: 29 Aug 04 - 01:38 AM

Michelle, PM or email Spaw....Catspaw49. I have his e mail if you need it. He's been a foster parent foever and knows what you are going through.

Subject: RE: BS: Whine Fest
From: KT
Date: 29 Aug 04 - 01:33 AM

Michelle,
My heart breaks for all of you. Hang in there and hold fast to the knowledge that Veronica KNOWS she is loved by you. That will see her through a lot. Things may well change again. You will all be in my thoughts and prayers.

KT

Subject: RE: BS: Whine Fest
From: Shanghaiceltic
Date: 29 Aug 04 - 12:58 AM

Hi Michelle,

I hope you can stick in there as Veronica will definately need you. For a mother to send a child away as punishement is a crime in my opinion, both cruel and unjust.

My father was treated in much the same way by my grandmother, something my brothers and I only found out about in the last few years. Unfortunately for him there was nowhere to go but a string of boarding schools and foster homes and then entry into the navy as a cadet at 13.

As a result he grew up as a rather remote sort of person and only in the last years has he been a more open and trusting person with immediate family.

Hopefully you will be able to make a difference to this young lass and prevent her from having more heartache than she has already.

Sadly if her mother has thrown her out before it will easily happen again. Good luck to you.

Subject: RE: BS: Whine Fest
From: SINSULL
Date: 28 Aug 04 - 10:21 PM

Michelle,
I am so sorry. But I do believe she will be back. Unfortunately, she will come back hurt and angry. When she does, sue for custody. Veronica deserves a stable home. And time is running out for the good you do to make a difference.
Stay strong,
SINS

Subject: RE: BS: Whine Fest
From: LilyFestre
Date: 28 Aug 04 - 10:11 PM

I recieved a phone call last week from Veronica's mother. She wants Veronica to come back and live with her on a full time basis. Why? She said, "Veronica's punishment is over. She knows that if she is bad I will send her away again."

WHAT?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

This is the same woman who has called her daughter only 3 times in the last EIGHT MONTHS!!! She did not call Veronica on her birthday or send her a card or anything....nor did she do it the day after or the week after. This is the same woman who "FORGOT" to pick up her daughter at the bus station for a SCHEDULED summer visit. The very same woman who has not written to her daughter in EIGHTEEN MONTHS!!!!!!!!

I'm sorry but you DO NOT send your child away for 18 months for misbehaving (not following directions, talking back...nothing major)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Then her mother changed her mind and said she wanted Veronica to come visit for a week. I knew then that we wouldn't ever be seeing Veronica again. I had a bad feeling and everyone was trying to be positive and said she'd be back...but it's official....Veronica is gone and will not be returning. I am so fucking sad that I don't know what to do with myself. Technically, there is nothing I can do because she is not my child nor do I have custody of her. All I can do is hope that Veronica experienced what family love is all about while she was here...and that she will never ever forget what it feels like to be loved and valued.   :(

Michelle

Subject: RE: BS: Whine Fest
From: LilyFestre
Date: 08 Jan 04 - 07:02 PM

Okay....my Little One hasn't returned yet....POUT. Her arrival is looming ever closer and I am excited about her return!

The Christmas tree is still up and the animals haven't mangled the presents....YET...LOL.

I have rearranged Veronica's room to accomodate some new furniture and a larger bed. She's been wanting both the bed (our old bed...we got a new one over the holidays) and the new (really not so new as it was mine as a little girl) furniture as there is a desk and dresser that she is very fond of. I can't wait for her to see it!!!!!

We have also scheduled in a family day trip.

Awww heck....I just can't wait to see that little smile when she hops off the bus!!!!!!!!!!   

I MISS MY VERONICA!!!!!!!!! I MISS HER!!! I MISS HER!!!!   I MISS HER!!!!

*smile* It won't be much longer now....................

Michelle

Subject: RE: BS: Whine Fest
From: LilyFestre
Date: 20 Dec 03 - 04:57 PM

Well, Veronica is now on the bus with her mother. *Shaking my head* Her mother was more interested in the fact that Veronica's feet has outgrown the boots she got her for Christmas than hugging her hello. It is simply beyond me.

As for Christmas, we will be celebrating with presents and such at the end of January with our entire family. We decided a while back that we want her to experience how we celebrate...TOGETHER. So...the tree and all the Christmasy things will remain up until then.....we wouldn't have it any other way. :)

I know she will be just fine. I know we will be just fine as well.

Thanks again everybody.

Michelle