Christmas Parodies I

Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: GUEST,rob
Date: 20 Nov 03 - 06:55 AM

my favorite female duo Taggart and Wright do a very good version of galde tae or however it is spelled.
they are on at the Middlewich Winter Warmer festival this Saturday. I suppose it will be on their set list.

Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: LadyJean
Date: 20 Nov 03 - 12:32 AM

There used to be a Children's TV show called Ricki and Copper, Ricki was the host, with Copper, her Irish setter. Some completely warped child sang the following on that show, one Christmas.

Rudolf the red nose cowboy
had a very shiney gun
And if you ever saw it,
You would turn around and run.
All of the other cowboys,
used to laugh and call him names.
They never let poor Rudolph
join in any poker games.
Then one foggy Christmas eve, the sheriff came to say,
"Rudolph with your gun so bright, would you kill my wife tonight."
Then all the cowboys loved him, and they shouted out with glee,
"Rudolph the red nosed cowboy, you'll be hanging from a tree."

Jingle bellski jingle bellski jingle all the wayski!
What are you doing?
I'm Russian the season.

Three kings of Orient are
one of them lighted a big black cigar
It was loaded it exploded
Two kings of orient are.

You work your way down to one king of orient are. He lights the exploding cigar, then you sing, "Silent Night".

I have an eidetic memory. Aren't you sorry.

Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: Cluin
Date: 20 Nov 03 - 12:17 AM

I stil like this one.

Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: Joybell
Date: 19 Nov 03 - 07:53 PM

Already on the Secret Santa thread from The oldpooparoo. Worth repeating.

You better watch out, whatever you say,
There's a big van parked over the way.
Santa Claus is listening to you.

He's watchin your house all the day long,
Makin a list of what you do wrong.
Santa Claus is checking on you.

He knows if youve been washing your naughty bits and all;
He's put a 2-way mirror right in your bathroom wall.

He's under your bed, tappin your phone.
Better give up, youre never alone.
Santa Claus is spying on you.

Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: Joe_F
Date: 19 Nov 03 - 07:43 PM

Oh, and how could I have forgotten --

Papa's nerves get frazzled, & wearing thin
Mama in her wisdom gets drunk on gin
The kids go build a roadblock, for Santa's sleigh
Gonna have a big dead bird for dinner, on Christmas Day

-- "Big Dead Bird", by Lou & Peter Berryman

Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: Joe_F
Date: 18 Nov 03 - 07:37 PM

The "Beecham's Pills" parody of "Hark, the Herald Angels Sing" comes with a story. It seems that the local laxative manufacturer offered to provide free hymnbooks to the church, if it would be allowed in insert one advertisement. That seemed fair, and indeed, it appeared that the company had left out the advertisement. But next Christmas, the parishioners found themselves singing....

The version I heard (St Andrews University, 1958) ended

How can man to art aspire
If is soul is not on fire?
How can man crawl into bed
With his belly full of lead?

The version of the Twelve Days of Christmas current at the same time & place had

12 twisted twats
11 lecherous lesbians
10 torn-off testes
9 gnawed-off nipples
8 aching arseholes
7 sex-starved spinsters
6 convicted vicars
5 choir boys
4 Boy Scouts
3 dirty whores
2 shithouse doors
and my Lord Montague of Beaulieu

-- the last having been had up for sodomy in a then fairly recent scandal.

The following, IIRC, is by E. Gorey:

Hark, the herald angels sing:
Glory to the newborn Thing,
Who, because of radiation,
Will be cared for by the nation.

Also in a somewhat filkish mood, I believe I saw the following in a fanzine some years ago:

It came upon a midnight clear
And ate up everything in sight.

Finally, from Caltech ca. 1962 I recall

O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree,
Oh, piss on thee, O Christmas tree!

Subject: Lyr Add: WE WISH YOU WEREN'T LIVING WITH US
From: LilyFestre
Date: 18 Nov 03 - 02:08 PM

A favorite parody from my youth.........sung to the tune of We Wish You A Merry Christmas, taken from Twisted Christmas, Bob Rivers.

WE WISH YOU WEREN'T LIVING WITH US

We wish you weren't living with us,
We wish you weren't living with us,
We wish you weren't living with us,
We're not happy you're here!

You drive everybody crazy,
You're hopelessly fat and lazy,
You're constantly in the way here
So pack up your gear!

You're feeding your face
You're taking up space,
We wish you weren't living with us
We' re not happy you're here.

Excuse me if I'm mistaken,
But those are long distance calls you're makin'
How long do you plan on takin'
Advantage of us?

We wish you weren't living with us,
We wish you weren't living with us,
We wish you weren't living with us,
Get out of town, now!

Michelle

Subject: Lyr Add: 12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS (TECHNOLOGY VERSION)
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 18 Nov 03 - 07:53 AM

Not a song - but I love it.

12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS (TECHNOLOGY VERSION)

On the first day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
.. A database with a broken b-tree (what the hell is a b-tree anyway?)

On the second day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
.. Two transceiver failures (CRC errors? Collisions? What is going on?)
.. And a database with a broken b-tree (Rebuild WHAT? It's a 10GB database!)

On the third day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
.. Three French users (who, of course, think they know everything)
.. Two transceiver failures (which are now spewing packets all over the net)
.. And a database with a broken b-tree (Backup? What backup?)

On the fourth day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
.. Four calls for support (playing the same Christmas song over and over)
.. Three French users (Why do they like to argue so much over trivial things?)
.. Two transceiver failures (How the hell do I know which ones they are?)
.. And a database with a broken b-tree (Pointer error? What's a pointer error?)

On the fifth day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
.. Five golden SCSI contacts (Of course they're better than silver!)
.. Four support calls (Ever notice how time stands still when on hold?
.. Three French users (No, we don't have foot pedals on PC's. Why do you ask?)
.. Two transceiver failures (If I knew which ones were bad, I would know which ones to fix!)
.. And a database with a broken b-tree (Not till next week? Are you nuts?!?!)

On the sixth day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
.. Six games a-playing (On the production network, of course!)
.. Five golden SCSI contacts (What do you mean "not terminated!")
.. Four support calls (No, don't transfer me again - do you HEAR? Damn!)
.. Three French users (No, you cannot scan in by putting the page to the screen...)
.. Two transceiver failures (I can't look at the LEDs - they're in the ceiling!)
.. And a database with a broken b-tree (Norway? That's where this was written?)

On the seventh day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
.. Seven license failures (Expired? When?)
.. Six games a-playing (Please stop tying up the PBX to talk to each other!)
.. Five golden SCSI contacts (What do you mean I need "wide" SCSI?)
.. Four support calls (At least the Muzak is different this time...)
.. Three French Users (Well, monsieur, there really isn't an "any" key, but...)
.. Two transceiver failures (SQE? What is that? If I knew I would set it myself!)
.. And a database with a broken b-tree (No, I really need to talk to Lars - NOW!)

On the eighth day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
.. Eight MODEMs dialing (Who bought these? They're a security violation!)
.. Seven license failures (How many WEEKS to get a license?)
.. Six games a-playing (What do you mean one pixel per packet on updates?!?)
.. Five golden SCSI contacts (Fast SCSI? It's supposed to be fast, isn't it?)
.. Four support calls (I already told them that! Don't transfer me back - DAMN!)
.. Three French users (No, CTL-ALT-DEL is not the proper way to end a program)
.. Two transceiver failures (What do you mean "babbling transceiver"?)
.. And a database with a broken b-tree (Does anyone speak English in Oslo?)

On the ninth day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
.. Nine lady executives with attitude (She said do WHAT with the servers?)
.. Eight MODEMs dialing (You've been downloading WHAT?)
.. Seven license failures (We sent the P.O. two months ago!)
.. Six games a-playing (HOW many people are doing this to the network?)
.. Five golden SCSI contacts (What do you mean two have the same ID?)
.. Four support calls (No, I am not at the console - I tried that already.)
.. Three French users (No, only one floppy fits at a time? Why do you ask?)
.. Two transceiver failures (Spare? What spare?)
.. And a database with a broken b-tree (No, I am trying to find Lars! L-A-R-S!)

On the tenth day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
.. Ten SNMP alerts flashing (What is that God-awful beeping?)
.. Nine lady executives with attitude (No, it used to be a men’s room? Why?)
.. Eight MODEMs dialing (What Internet provider? We don't allow Internet here!)
.. Seven license failures (SPA? Why are they calling us?)
.. Six games a-playing (No, you don't need a graphics accelerator for Lotus!)
.. Five golden SCSI contacts (You mean I need ANOTHER cable?)
.. Four support calls (No, I never needed an account number before...)
.. Three French users (When the PC sounds like a cat, it's a head crash!)
.. Two transceiver failures (Power connection? What power connection?)
.. And a database with a broken b-tree (Restore what index pointers?)

On the eleventh day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
.. Eleven boards a-frying (What is that terrible smell?)
.. Ten SNMP alerts flashing (What's a MIB, anyway? What's an extension?)
.. Nine lady executives with attitude (Mauve? Our computer room tiles in mauve?)
.. Eight MODEMs dialing (What do you mean you let your roommate dial-in?)
.. Seven license failures (How many other illegal copies do we have?!?!)
.. Six games a-playing (I told you - AFTER HOURS!)
.. Five golden SCSI contacts (If I knew what was wrong, I wouldn't be calling!)
.. Four support calls (Put me on hold again and I will slash your credit rating!)
.. Three French users (Don't hang your floppies with a magnet again!)
.. Two transceiver failures (How should I know if the connector is bad?)
.. And a database with a broken b-tree (I already did all of that!)

On the twelfth day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
.. Twelve virtual pipe connections (There's only supposed to be two!)
.. Eleven boards a-frying (What a surge suppressor supposed to do, anyway?)
.. Ten SNMP alerts flashing (From a distance, it does kinda look like Xmas lights.)
.. Nine lady executives with attitude (What do you mean aerobics before backups?)
.. Eight MODEMs dialing (No, we never use them to connect during business hours.)
.. Seven license failures (We're all going to jail, I just know it.)
.. Six games a-playing (No, no - my turn, my turn!)
.. Five golden SCSI contacts (Great, just great! Now it won't even boot!)
.. Four support calls (I don't have that package! How did I end up with you?)
.. Three French users (I don't care if it is sexy, no more nude screen backgrounds!)
.. Two transceiver failures (Maybe we should switch to token ring...)
.. And a database with a broken b-tree (No, operator - Oslo, Norway. We were just talking and were cut off...)

http://www.chucklesofchoice.com/r-jokes/holidays/christmas/12chris009

Subject: Lyr Add: FATTY CLAUS (Johnny MacRae)
From: danceswithcats
Date: 18 Nov 03 - 12:49 AM

The one posted above from a year or so ago was done by John Valby, AKA Dr. Dirty. He's done many other bawdy tunes-think of him as an X-rated Weird Al.

One I heard on a jukebox some years ago:

FATTY CLAUS by Johnny MacRae

Here comes Fatty with his sack of shit
Here comes Fatty with his sack of shit
Here comes Fatty with his sack of shit
and all them stinkin' reindeer

I believe in Santa Claus
yeah, I believe that he's a prick
'cuz though he comes but once a year
it's enough to make me sick
him and his Christmas spirit
are really a lot of bunk
I'll have to bust my ass
for another year just
to pay for all this junk

CHORUS

Well, I believe in Santa
though he's got me in a mess
'cuz I'm over the limit on my MasterCard
and my Visa and American Express
While I'm sweatin' and grievin'
'bout this money mess I'm in
he'll be up there sittin'
ON HIS BIG FAT ASS
until Christmas comes again

CHORUS

Here comes Fatty with his Ho, Ho, Ho's
and there my money all go, go, goes
I'd like to punch him in his big red nose
make him wish he'd never came here

Subject: Lyr Add: FROSTY THE DEFROSTED SNOWMAN
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 17 Nov 03 - 11:20 PM

Transcribed from the sound file at http://www.megspace.com/entertainment/judya/xmas.html

FROSTY THE DEFROSTED SNOWMAN
(As sung by Homer & Jethro)

Frosty the Snowman got a job out on the farm,
And the farmer knew he'd never do the animals any harm.

Frosty had a little lamb and he put it on the shelf,
And ev'ry time it wagged its tail, it spanked its little self.

They sent him out to shovel snow and Frosty looked so grim,
For ever' time he stopped to rest, his work piled up on him.

Frosty the Snowman liked to herd the sheep, it's true.
Ev'ry day he could hear the rams a-singin', "Ewe, Ewe, Ewe."

Frosty tried to milk the cows but he was such a grouch (?)
The cows would never holler "Moo." They'd only holler "Ouch!"

He fed the cows some sugar and they drank from a frozen stream.
Now when old Frosty milks the cows, they only give ice cream.

He cross-bred beets and taters, and imagine his surprise:
When the taters started to grow, they all had bloodshot eyes.

Frosty the Snowman backed into the stove one day.
Though it felt so warm, it ruined his form. He melted plumb away.

Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: Bob Bolton
Date: 21 Dec 02 - 09:33 AM

G'day JennyO,

Thanks for the full text of Christmas Has Been Cancelled (requested in another thread)... I suspected that it was one of Paul Mortimer's little parodies - but I don't have his book!

Regards,

Bob Bolton

Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: JennyO
Date: 21 Dec 02 - 02:16 AM

Yes, Jennie G, we'll be at Gulgong, tarting around as usual, and in Dale Dengate's workshop too . See ya there.

Jenny

Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: Cluin
Date: 20 Dec 02 - 11:59 PM

Part of one we used to sing in school:

We three fools from Sudbury are
Drinking beers and driving our car
Whistling, mooning, yelling, drooling...
Taking things way too far.

Especially when the Hounds were playing the Wolves.
Northern Ontario rivalries, y'know...


By the way, I had a slightly different version of "The Ring Dang Doo" posted above. Ended with the verse:

And now she lays beneath the sod
Her soul, they say, is gone to God
But below, in Hell, when the Devil's blue
He takes a whirl on her Ring Dang Doo.

Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: JennieG
Date: 20 Dec 02 - 11:18 PM

Thanks JennyO - see you at Gulgong?
Cheers
JennieG

Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: Genie
Date: 20 Dec 02 - 08:55 PM

Doggie Wonderland

Subject: Lyr Add: CHRISTMAS HAS BEEN CANCELLED (P Mortimer)
From: JennyO
Date: 19 Dec 02 - 11:40 PM

Here's the whole of "CHRISTMAS HAS BEEN CANCELLED"

Tune: Lili Marlene

These words: Paul Mortimer

Christmas has been cancelled,
Santa Claus is dead.
When the scandal broke
He put a bullet through his head.
Pinned to his chest they found a note
Admitting what - the papers wrote:
That he was on the payroll
Of Toltoys and K-tel.

It was bigger still than Lockheed
Worse than Watergate.
Kids throughout the world
Called for his head upon a plate
The myth was destroyed and in its wake,
Old Santy stood there a callous fake.
And evidence is mounting
That he was C.I.A.

The Church it tried to brand him
A charlatan and worse.
The Pope said 'Keep off Christmas, mate,
We used that number first,
As a time when all good Christians sing
Of Jesus Christ and cribs and things.
Of course it's only bulldust
To get the faithful in.'

Further allegations
Have made the papers wail,
That Santa's love for children
Was way beyond the pale,
He always liked to give out toys
To little girls and little boys.
It seems that he was harmless
But some don't understand.

Well we can still be jolly
And celebrate New Year,
And we'll be nice to other folks
More than once a year.
With no tinsel trees or plastic snow
Or jingle bells or yo ho ho's.
And no more f***ing reindeer
Or little drummer boys.

Repeat first verse

This little gem usually rears its ugly head in the Sydney folk scene around this time of year. First heard Carol Fyfe singing it.

Jenny

Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: Malachy
Date: 19 Dec 02 - 09:46 PM

Hey Dead Horse..'Gaudy Tree' was the best!!

Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: JennieG
Date: 18 Dec 02 - 08:52 PM

G'day all,

Here's this year's favourite, with thanks to Bob Bolton:
Tune: Lilli Marlene
Christmas has been cancelled, Santa Claus is dead,
They found himn in a toyshop with a bullet to his head
And on his chest was pinned a note
And this is what the papers wrote
That he was on the payroll of Toltoys and Mattel....

Cheers
JennieG

Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 Dec 02 - 08:58 AM

And they had one for New Years' Eve:

You'd better watch out
You'd better not try
Travelin' about I'm tellin' you why:
Sodden clods are painting the town.

They're wrecking the bars
They're starting street fights
They're having one of their naughtiest nights:
Sodden clods are painting the town.

Blythe New Years' drivers pickled
In alcoholic brine
Will gaily bounce off walls and trees
To strains of "Auld Lang Syne."

So...

You'd better stay home
And drink your own rye
You're crazy to roam
It's obvious why:
Sodden clods are painting the town

Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 Dec 02 - 08:25 AM

Years ago, "Mad" magazine published "Carols For Other Holidays":

Wreck The Walls
(For Halloween)

Wreck the walls and fences, golly!
Falalala Lalalala
Isn't Trick-or-treating jolly?
Fa (etc.)

Ring that doorbell, slash that tire,
Fa...
Trip the old man with a wire.
Fa.

Dressed in sheets and odd appareal,
Fa...
Can't tell John from Max or Carol,
Fa...

Which is good 'cause no one else can
Fa...
Just like grown-ups play Ku Klux Klan.
Fa...

Subject: Lyr Add: GAUDY TREE
From: Dead Horse
Date: 18 Dec 02 - 07:17 AM

GAUDY TREE (Translated from the Latin original)
Chorus
Gaudy tree, gaudy tree, they say it sparkles
It's all baubles and tinsel, they say
Gaudy tree, gaudy tree, they say it sparkles
It's all baubles and tinsel, they say

There's a fairy on the top, and her wand it flickers
Wooden soldier down below, he's looking up her….

Cheapo flashing lights around, strung on plastic wire
Made in Hong Kong I'll be bound, soon there'll be a ….

Fathers doing magic tricks, just to entertain us
Mother has the Paxo out, stuffing the turkeys….

Sister has her boyfriend round, his name is Charlie Tucker
They're going out in his new sports car, & then he'll try to …

Granddads on the booze again, Grandma begs his pardon
As she slips viagra in his glass, to help him get a ….
Gaudy tree, gaudy tree, they say it sparkles
It's all baubles and tinsel, they say
Gaudy tree, gaudy tree, they say it sparkles
It's all baubles and tinsel, they say.

Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: Genie
Date: 18 Dec 02 - 01:02 AM

several "carols" for fishermen

Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: Genie
Date: 18 Dec 02 - 12:59 AM

We Wish You Would Clean Our Fish Mess

Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: Genie
Date: 18 Dec 02 - 12:51 AM

Ho Ho Ho, A Fishing We Will Go

Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: Genie
Date: 18 Dec 02 - 12:39 AM

Hark Some Lines That Anglers Fling

Subject: Lyr Add: DON'T REST, YE HARRIED SHOPPERS
From: Genie
Date: 25 Nov 02 - 10:25 PM

Here's another one we used for the Alternative Gift Market:

DON'T REST, YE HARRIED SHOPPERS

Don't rest, ye harried shoppers, then, let nothing you deter.
Avail yourselves of savings now, with interest deferred,
To save from 10 percent and up, come in and join the herd.

         (Refrain) Oh, try buying your comfort and joy, comfort and joy!
                   Oh, try buying your comfort and joy!

From Saks, Wal-Mart and Bloomingdale's the blessed ad men came
And unto us, their customers, brought lures to play their game,
How that if we don't spend and spend, it sure would be a shame!

         (Refrain) Oh, try buying your comfort and joy, comfort and joy!
                   Oh, try buying your comfort and joy!

Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: brid widder
Date: 04 Dec 01 - 01:31 PM

Good King Wenceslas looked out of the bedroom winder
Silly bugger he fell out on a red-hot cinder
Brightly shone his bum that night
Though the frost was cruel
Till the doctor came in sight
Riding on a Mu-uel

Can't remember not knowing that! ...or...

Christmas is coming the goose is getting fat
Please spare a penny for the old man's hat
If you can't spare a penny a ha'penny will do
If you can't spare a ha'penny we'll put your window through...

Ah, Christmases of old!

Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: Genie
Date: 03 Dec 01 - 04:24 PM

Please excuse the SNAFU in the above post (inadvertent duplication of one verse and a tag). The post was s'posed to end after the 3rd verse and a chorus. Dunno wha hoppen.

Genie

Subject: Lyr Add: FLEECE MOM AND DAD!
From: Genie
Date: 03 Dec 01 - 04:21 PM

Here's one I wrote 2 years ago for our church's "Alternative Gift Market and Buy-Nothing Day" project.

FLEECE MOM AND DAD! 
 
words by Jeanene Pratt ©1999 (3rd verse © 2001)

(Can be sung to "¡Feliz Navidad!" by Jose Feliciano)
 

Chorus
     Fleece Mom and Dad!  Fleece Mom and Dad!
     Fleece Mom and Dad!  Don't spare their budget, make the kids feel glad!  (Repeat)
 

We'll make the kids want a brand new Nintendo
Some Pokemons and a Tickle me Elmo!
And Ken and Barbie--so Wal-Mart can sell mo'
And fill up those shopping carts!

Chorus

For many months how the kids have implored 'em
For Beanie Babies--just watch people hoard 'em--,
Video games to relieve kiddies' boredom,
And the latest trading cards!

Chorus

Letters to Santa can be so heart-rending
With 20-page "gimme" lists that they're sending!
It's patriotic this year to be spendin',
So our bottom line stands hard!

Chorus

For many months how the kids have implored 'em For Beanie Babies--just watch people hoard 'em--, Video games to relieve kiddies' boredom, And the latest trading cards!

Chorus

And the bottom line stands hard!

Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: catspaw49
Date: 26 Dec 00 - 04:03 PM

Well Garg, its always nice when someone has found their calling. Looks like you have quite a future if you decide to go that way.

Spaw

Subject: Lyr Add: EIGHT DAYS OF HANUKKAH
From: GUEST,.gargoyle
Date: 26 Dec 00 - 01:56 PM

EIGHT DAYS OF HANUKKAH

On the first day of Hanukkah my true love gave to me

A pastrami from the deli

2 chotchke Doves

3 French Yentas

4. Roasting Birds

5 Gold-en Blintzes

6 Geese a Schmoozing

7 Swans a Shvitzing

8 Maids A-Milchik

Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: GUEST,.gargoyle
Date: 26 Dec 00 - 01:55 PM

Twelve Nights of Hashing

On the first night of hasing my true love gave to me
A hand job that wasn't worth a fuck!
On - On - On (shouted at end of each phrase)

Two shit house ducks

Three french whores

Four fornecators

Five blow jobs

Six sixty-niners

Seven sucking sisters

Eight aching assholes

Nine gnawed off nipples

Ten torn off titties

Eleven leaping lesbians

Twelve twats a twitching

Subject: Lyr Add: RINGADANGDOO
From: GUEST,.gargoyle
Date: 26 Dec 00 - 01:53 PM

I am eternally thankful to the Catter who pointed out a link to "Hash Songs" last year. It got me into the HHH, connected to people who sing my kind of songs (raunchy), drink my kind of beer (homebrew), and who genuinely trash folks who whine. It also got me out of the litter box, out of your hair, and into humanity, health and happiness. No modem necessary. Worldwide in all major cities. Here a couple from the Christmas Eve ....2000 Hebrew Hash

THANX

RINGADANGDOO

Tune: My Ding-A-Ling

The ringadangdoo, pray what is that?
It's furry and soft, like a pussy cat,
It's got a crack down the middle, ,
And a hole right through, ,
That's what they call the Ringadangdoo

I once knew a girl, her name was _________.
The sweetest girl I'd ever seen,
She loved a boy, who was straight and true,
Who longed to play on her Ringadangdoo.

So she took him to her father's house,
And crept inside as quiet as a mouse,
And they shut the door and the window too,
And he played all night on her Ringadangdoo.

The very next day her father said,
"You've gone and lost your maidenhead!
You can pack your bags and suitcase, too,
And bugger off with your Rinadangdoo.

So she went to twon and became a whore,
And hung a red light outside her door,
And one by one and two by two,
They came to play on her Ringadangdoo.

She charged three for two
And two for three
Then the hasher came and the hasher went
Then the price went down to 50 cents.

There came to that town a son of a bitch
Who had the pox and the seven-year-itch
He had gonorrhea and syphilis too –
So that was the end of her Ringadangdoo.

Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: GUEST,.gargoyle
Date: 25 Dec 00 - 11:12 PM

I sincerely hop DICK GREENHOUSE

Is "mining" this thread....there are some good, original ones here.

Folks.....in the interest of "academic research" could you PLEASE post, when and where you heard the song....or verses...and approximation is ALL that is necessary.....

Good Lordy....this could be such a "well spring" of information....if Dick had not "sold-out" to Max...

PLEASE FOLKS>>>>permanently banish me from this site and refer ".gargoyle" to a legitimate "research" data-base....and the LOC don't count.

Subject: Lyr Add: I WANT A KEG OF MURPHY'S STOUT FOR...
From: GUEST,Catwoman
Date: 25 Dec 00 - 12:15 PM

Here is one that I am in the middle of writing. If you are interested, I can post the rest as soon as I finish it up.

It is to the tune of "I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas"

I WANT A KEG OF MURPHY'S STOUT FOR CHRISTMAS

I want a keg of Murphy's Stout for Christmas
Only a keg of Murphy's Stout will do
Don't want a Bud, a beer that I abhor.
I want a keg of Murphy's Stout to drink on Christmas morn.

I want a keg of Murphy's Stout for Christmas
Please play Santa and bring me the brew.
You won't have to use our dirty chimney flue
Just bring it through the door
And bring a tap so we can pour

I can see me now on Christmas morning
Crawling down the stairs
Oh what joy, and what surprise
When I open up my eyes
To see a Murphy's tapped and waiting there.

I want a keg of Murphy's Stout for Christmas
Only a keg of Murphy's Stout will do
No Miller Lite, no Blatz or Schlitz or Coors
Murphy's Stout is the beer that I adore.
And all my friends like Murphy's like I do.

Rest to follow

Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 24 Dec 00 - 11:35 PM

check out J** H*ck*rs*n's

Christians roasting on an open fire Lions nipping at theur toes.....

It's in DigiTrad

Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: sophocleese
Date: 24 Dec 00 - 10:08 PM

Whew! So it wasn't me. I was worried for a while there...

Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: catspaw49
Date: 24 Dec 00 - 10:02 PM

Hey Eluned........"Spaw" be a "He"----but that's OK......That "icky" one was sent to me by another 'Catter, a female 'Catter, who knows Ol' Spaw got no reverence for nothin'!! I don't want to use any names here but this female 'Catter plays banjo and lives in Toronto..............

Spaw

Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: GUEST,Smokey
Date: 24 Dec 00 - 03:45 PM

Oh you better watch out,
You better not cry,
you better not pout,
I'm telling you why,
Santa Claus is dead.

Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: Bernard
Date: 24 Dec 00 - 02:44 PM

CHRISTMAS FRUITCAKE RECIPE

You'll need the following:
1 C water 1 tsp. baking soda
1 C sugar 1 C brown sugar
4 large eggs lemon juice
2 C dried fruit nuts
1 tsp. salt 1 bottle of your favorite whisky

a) Sample the whisky to check for quality.
b) Take a large bowl.
c) Check the whisky again to be sure that it is of the highest quality.
d) Pour one level cup and drink. Repeat.
e) Turn on the electric mixer.
f) Beat 1 C of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
g) Add 1 tsp. sugar and beat again.
h) Make sure the whisky is still okay.
m) Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer.
l) Break two legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
x) Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
t) Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity.
r) Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something. Who cares.
s) Wheck the chisky.
x) Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
y) Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.
t) Grease the oven.
t) Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.
k) Don't forget to beat off the turner.
m) Throw the bowl out the window.
t) Chick the whesky again.
a) Go to bed. Who the @$&* likes fruitcake anyway??!!

All the Bury Vest, folks!!

Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: GUEST,Phil
Date: 24 Dec 00 - 02:24 PM

We three Kings of Orient are, One on a tractor, one in a car. One on a scooter tooting his hooter, Following yonder star....oh!

Star of wonder ,star of light, Beauty bottler, she'll be right. ....i forget the rest!

Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: GUEST,Eluned
Date: 24 Dec 00 - 01:20 AM

This thread is GREAT! I've had several immensely satisfying chuckles ... 'tho I think 'spaw's last contribution was kinda icky. But she is also the only one to refer to a Bob Rivers tune. Some of his are really funny! I think "Twisted Christmas" is the most original new (-ish) Christmas humor album I've heard. Anyone else know some of his?

Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 24 Dec 00 - 12:28 AM

Jingle Bells, Rudolph smells, Santa's run away, with the Fairy from the Christmas tree, she's in the family way!

Sorry, been singing that since I was 10.... hee hee hee!

LTS

Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: GUEST,mary ellen
Date: 23 Dec 00 - 06:24 PM

Who knows the Celtoid days of Christmas?

Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: GUEST,NH Dave
Date: 23 Dec 00 - 05:42 PM

This reminds me of a similar ditty called Christmas in the Mess Hall, where the Commander comes 'round to make his Christmas inspection (in some services it is also the custom for the officers and senior NCOs to serve Christmas Dinner to the troops.) The lyrics are in Kiss me Goodnight Sergeant Major, which I don't happen to have handy.

They end up with a young corporal suggesting where the CO can stick his Merry Christmas, if memory serves.

Dave

Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 23 Dec 00 - 05:38 PM

Naemanson, the product-oriented Christmas poem you mention is actually poems. The guy on NPR (forget his name) who does it ever Christmas updates it yearly, so it's a moving target. But as you mention, it always ends, "Good---Lord! What have we done to Christmast?"

I WOULD like to have the full text of it for a year--any year!

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: Mrrzy
Date: 23 Dec 00 - 04:55 PM

refresh - I need this and more, please...

Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: Seamus Kennedy
Date: 20 Dec 00 - 02:01 AM

Good King Wenceslas looked out on the feast of Stephen,
Turned his trousers inside out, because his ass was freezin.

It was Christmas day in the workhouse and the orphans were standing about,
And the overseer, a cruel man, had threatened to throw them out.
The sky was dark and heavy, and snow lay on the ground, and the overseer, a cruel man, cried, "Not another sound!"
Then he sat down at his table, 'twas filled with bread and meat,
And jam and jelly and pudding, and all for him to eat,
The orphans they were starving, and tears came to their eyes,
As they watched him gobbling turkey, and potatoes, and fresh mince pies.
Their bellies ached with hunger, and their hearts cried out for food,
But the overseer, a cruel man, would not do what he should.
Till at last a starving orphan went up with cap in hand
And stood beside his table, and faced him, man to man.
"What do you want, you little wretch?"
"Why are you standing there?"
"Please sir, I'd like some pudding if you've a piece to spare."
"We've got to have some food sir, or it might mean our end,"
"And you've really got enough sir, to fill the mouths of ten." ,
The overseer was angry, his eyes began to shine,
He bellowed, "Get your own food; you're getting none of mine!"
The child was on his knees now, and his words tear at my soul,
"You can take your fuckin' puddin', and shove it up your hole!"

Merry Christmas all..

Seamus

Subject: RE: Christmas Parodies
From: Wesley S
Date: 20 Dec 00 - 01:13 AM

Subject: Lyr Add: X-RATED 'SLEIGH RIDE'
From: catspaw49
Date: 12 Dec 00 - 12:17 PM

First, I DID NOT WRITE THIS!!! Second, it was sent to me by another 'Catter (female) with only the comment, "Oh my God!!!" So let's just add it to the collection here and go on.................

X-RATED "SLEIGH RIDE"

I feel my pecker tingling, balls are jingling too.
Come on and tell me whether I can link 'em together with you!
I need a hot slip mama to slip my salami into.
I must be over eager, cause even your beaver'll do!

Get it up, get it up, get it up, let's go.
Your butt is too slow.
Start hoppin' like a rabbit in the snow.
Here it comes, here it comes, here it comes my dear,
Hot juice in your rear.
I know it's not easy for you,
Hanging from that chandelier!!!

I need a new position for sperm worm fishin' with you.
I wanna jam my pecker and both my nuts in your shoe!
I feel my pecker tingling, balls are jingling too!
Come on and be so pleasant to pump my present in you!

There ya' go............

Spaw