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BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010
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Subject: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 01 Jan 10 - 12:05 PM Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'To kick off the First Joke Thread of 2010, we have the following: "The Giant" One day a planet was discovered out Antares way whose sole inhabitant was an enormous humanoid, three miles high. At first it was mistaken for an immense statue left by some vanished race of giants, for it sat motionless on a yellow plain, exhibiting no outward sign of life. It had legs, but it never rose to walk on them. It had a mouth, but never ate or spoke. It had what appeared to be a perfectly functional brain, the size of a condominium, but the organ lay dormant, electrochemical activity at a standstill. Yet it lived. This puzzled the scientists, who tried everything they can think of to get some sign of life from the behemoth -- in vain. It just sat, motionless and seemingly thoughtless, until one day a xenobiologist, frustrated beyond endurance, screamed, "How could evolution give legs, mouth, and brain to a creature that doesn't use them?" It happened that he was the first one to ask a direct question in the thing's presence. It rose with a thunderous rumble to its full height, scattering the clouds, thought for a second, boomed "IT COULDN'T", and squatted down again. "My God," exclaimed the xenobiologist, "of course! It only stands to reason!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Bill D Date: 01 Jan 10 - 12:29 PM Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, And every year Morris would say, 'Esther,I'd like to ride in that helicopter.' Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, And fifty dollars is fifty dollars' One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.' To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.' The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.' Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, But still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!' Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, But you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!' |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Bill D Date: 01 Jan 10 - 12:33 PM Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up. Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?' They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. 'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishman you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.' Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.' 'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife.. 'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher. |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Young Buchan Date: 01 Jan 10 - 04:24 PM lol Puts me in mind of the verse from the song: Jimmy had to tell a lass her husband had been killed. "Break it gentle. Don't just blurt it out", we said. So he went round to the house and when the lass came to the door He said, "I bet you'll never guess who's dead." |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Shanghaiceltic Date: 01 Jan 10 - 06:03 PM A rabbi was walking down the street when he noticed one of his congregants on the other side of the street entering a Chinese restaurant. The rabbi crossed the street to peer in the window of the restaurant to see what his congregant was doing in the trayf (non-kosher) restaurant. The congregant ordered some spare ribs and some fried shrimp. The rabbi continued to watch. Soon, the waiter brought the spare ribs and shrimp. The congregant was eagerly devouring it with a hearty appetite when the shocked rabbi, unable to contain himself, burst into the restaurant to confront his congregant. "Stop!" the rabbi shouted. "How could you do this? How could you eat this food? It's ribs and shrimp. It's trayf!" "Hold on," said the congregant. "Rabbi, did you see me walk into this restaurant?" "Yes, I did," replied the rabbi. "Did you see me sit down at this table?" "Yes, I did," the rabbi again testified. "Did you see me order?" "I most certainly did," the rabbi attested. "Did you see the waiter bring this food to my table?" the congregant asked. "Yes, I did," the rabbi again affirmed. "Did you actually see me eating the ribs and the shrimp?" asked the congregant. "Yes, I did. I watched you the entire time!" exclaimed the rabbi. "Well, then," the congregant said calmly, "what's the problem? It was all done under rabbinical supervision!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Joe_F Date: 01 Jan 10 - 08:25 PM Sgt Cohen receives a message that the wife of one of his men has just died, and asks him to break the news gently. So he lines up the platoon & orders "All the married men: take one step forward -- not so fast, Greenberg!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: GUEST,999 Date: 01 Jan 10 - 08:50 PM How do ya get a dog to stop humping yer leg? Give him a blow job. |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: GUEST,anglo-yank-ophile Date: 01 Jan 10 - 08:50 PM actually the first joke thread was posted about an hour into the new UK year, but an over-sensitive clone deleted it.
-Joe Offer, Forum Moderator- |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Jim Dixon Date: 01 Jan 10 - 11:33 PM Paddy Murphy dies, and O'Connor is delegated to break the news to his wife. O'Connor knocks on Mrs. Murphy's door, and when she answers, he asks: "Pardon me, madam, but may I speak to the widow Murphy?" "I'm Mrs. Murphy, but I'm not a widow." "Aha! Think again, Mrs. Murphy!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: wysiwyg Date: 02 Jan 10 - 12:13 AM Unisex bumper sticker we loved today: ============================ I USED TO BE FUCKING STUPID but then we broke up ============================ ~S~ |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Dave Hanson Date: 02 Jan 10 - 05:04 AM Irish Roulette, the Irishmen in a room each drink a full bottle of whisky, then one of the leaves the room and the other two have to guess who it is. Dave H |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: GUEST,banjoman Date: 02 Jan 10 - 06:44 AM A cannibal goes on a self catering holiday and comes home minus one leg |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Young Buchan Date: 02 Jan 10 - 08:34 AM A man is walking through the Jewish quarter of town when he checks his watch and notices it has stopped. He hates not having the time with him and so looks around for a jeweller's shop. He is unable to read any of the shop signs, but he notices a small kiosk, in the window of which is an assortment of clocks and watches. He goes in, takes off his watch and asks the man behind the counter if he can mend it. The man shakes his head sadly and says that he does not mend watches. Assuming that the shop only retails, the man asks if he has a cheap watch he can buy as a replacement until he gets it fixed. Again the man shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry. I don't sell anything. I am a mohel." The customer gets angry at the waste of time and snaps, "Then why do you have clocks and watches in your window?" "And you," replies the mohel, "what would YOU put in the window?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Dave Hanson Date: 02 Jan 10 - 08:54 AM It's no skin off my nose. Dave H |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Joe_F Date: 02 Jan 10 - 06:34 PM The graduations on a whiskey bottle: - Jocose - Morose - Bellicose - Comatose |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 03 Jan 10 - 12:49 PM Joe F, you remind me of this song. Four Stages of Drunkenness Dave Oesterreich |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: GUEST,eric the viking Date: 03 Jan 10 - 07:49 PM What do elfs learn in school? Their elfabets. |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Bill Hahn//\\ Date: 04 Jan 10 - 07:02 PM Another possibility for niche businesses ---egg timers: She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the t-shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment." My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day." Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all…. right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said "Thanks" and returned to the stove. Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?" She said, "The egg timer's broken." Bill Hahn |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Young Buchan Date: 05 Jan 10 - 06:37 AM You are playing a village cricket match. Unfortunately the umpire at the end from which you are bowling is the vicar of the other village, and in spite of his calling he is clearly giving you nothing. What do you do? Next time you have cause to appeal, don't ask 'How's that?' Instead ask 'Where's God?' He will say 'Up there.' And point. |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Donuel Date: 05 Jan 10 - 10:10 AM Rufus was dumping residue from some glass bottles into some pig food. "Rufus whaat the heel r yu doin?" Amos asked. "Ahm puttin Zeke's leftover Meth Amphetamine into ma pigs feed", Rufus said. Why ?? cuz I herd if ya get two pigs ta flail ya get billions of dollars of gubmint money. |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 05 Jan 10 - 04:07 PM I don't git it |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Donuel Date: 05 Jan 10 - 05:22 PM too big to fail? I don't git it either. |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 05 Jan 10 - 07:49 PM Rereading, I see the pun now, with Donuel's help, but what does it have to do with methamphetamine? |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Young Buchan Date: 06 Jan 10 - 06:00 AM And there was me thinking I might have to explain the cricket joke!!!! |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Mrrzy Date: 06 Jan 10 - 10:35 AM Please do... is pointing upwards a sign for You win? |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: MGM·Lion Date: 06 Jan 10 - 11:55 AM When a member of the fielding side in cricket thinks a batsman is out, he will call out "How's that?" If the umpire agrees the batsman is out, he will lift one finger pointing skyward, which is the signal for "Out". Happy now? |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 06 Jan 10 - 02:15 PM It was the perfect day for a little fishing, but after a while I ran out of bait. Then a few feet up the shore I saw a snake with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait. Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket. Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. After thinking about it for awhile, I had an idea: I grabbed my bottle of whiskey (hey, don't laugh: it's the best part of fishing!) and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. Sure enough, his eyes rolled back, he went limp, and I released him without incident. I carried on my fishing with the frog. Caught a big bass, too! A couple hours later I felt something brush my leg. I looked down and there was that same snake looking up at me. He had two frogs in his mouth. |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 06 Jan 10 - 03:55 PM New Years Resolutions -- a Five-Year Progression 2006: I will find a better social site than Orkut. 2007: I will find a better social site than Myspace. 2008: I will find a better social site than Facebook. 2009: I will find a better social site than Twitter. 2010: I will find a better social site than Busty Blondes. 2006: I will not become what my mother called a "drinking man". 2007: I will not take a drink before 5:00 p.m. 2008: I will not touch the bottle before noon. 2009: I will not become a "problem drinker". 2010: I will not miss any AA meetings. 2006: I will overcome my fear of the dentist. 2007: I will see my dentist this year. 2008: I will have my cavities filled this year. 2009: I will have my root canal work done this year. 2010: I will get rid of my denture breath this year. 2006: I will be the best husband ever to Brittney, my new wife. 2007: I will try to be a better husband to Brittney. 2008: I will not leave Brittney. 2009: I will try for a reconciliation with Brittney. 2010: I will try to be a better husband to Jessica. 2006: I will stop flirting with other women. 2007: I will stop looking at other women. 2008: I will not have an affair with Jessica. 2009: I will not let Jessica interrupt my reconciliation with Brittney. 2010: I will stop flirting with other women. |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Louie Roy Date: 07 Jan 10 - 11:05 AM A lady came into a grocery store and looked at the vegetables and then went up to the owner and asked him where his onions were and he told her politely he didn't have him any. She then became angry and started to berate him a grocery atore with no onions what kind of a place is this.He finally got caught up and he said to her if you take the car out of carrot what do you have and she said rot and he sid if you take the to out of tomatoes what do you have and she said matoes and if you take the fuck out of onions what do you have and she said there ain't no fuck in onions and he said lady that's what I've been trying to tell you there ain't no fucking onions |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Midchuck Date: 07 Jan 10 - 11:37 AM Not sure if I should open a new thread for this, "above the line," since it is music-related, but why confuse things? P. ***************************************************** From the Flatpick-L list: A doctor dies and just before the gates of heaven he meets the gatekeeper St. Peter. St Peter asks "Why shall I let you pass through the gates into heaven?" The doctor replies "I've led a good life, been a good husband, and saved many lives". St Peter replies "You may enter". With that the gates go up and he enters into eternal life. A lawyer dies and just before the Golden Gates meets St. Peter. St Peter asks "Why shall I let you pass through the gates into heaven?" The lawyer replies "I've led a good life, been a good husband, and help many innocent people triumph". St Peter replies "You may enter". With that the gates go up and he enters into eternal life. A musician dies and just before the Magnificent Golden Gates of heaven he meets St Peter. St Peter asks "Why shall I let you pass through the gates into heaven?" The musician replies "I've led a good life, been a good husband, and entertained people through my music, making them happy". St Peter replies "You may enter...just go around these gates, through the kitchen, up the stairs, through the long corridor...." |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: VirginiaTam Date: 07 Jan 10 - 12:42 PM Maybe this was posted in previous thread Two Woodpeckers... A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which country had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed. The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeccable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers ). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge. The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeccable' tree almost without breaking a sweat. Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country? After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion: Apparently, Tiger Woods was right, when he said, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home. |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: bubblyrat Date: 07 Jan 10 - 04:14 PM In the English county of Somerset is the lovely town of Frome ( which, being cussedly English,is pronounced " Froom" ). It boasts a fine medieval church, dating back to the 1100s, with an interesting and rare feature; near the altar is a screen, or "rood", where bibles were kept, for the use of the poor. To prevent them from being stolen, they were attached to the screen by leather belts,which passed through holes in the woodwork. Of course, the bibles deteriorated years ago,and the belts rotted away, but the holes can still be seen. On a visit there ,in about 1930, the great Ernest Hemingway was fascinated by this, and was moved to write ; FROME : THE BELT HOLES |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 07 Jan 10 - 05:32 PM On a tour of Alaska, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the mountains for some sightseeing. He was cruising along a campground in the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. A helpless scrawny disheveled Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, and a "Save the Whales" T-shirt, was struggling frantically, thrashing around and trying to free himself from the jaws of a 10-foot grizzly. As the Pope watched, horrified, a group of Republican loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding semiconscious Democrat from the bear. Then using long clubs, the three loggers beat the bear to death and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other carefully placed the injured Democrat in the back seat. As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he told them. "I heard there was a bitter hatred between loggers and environmental activists, but I've now seen with my own eyes that is not true." As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies, "Who was that guy?" "It was the Pope, you idiot!" another replied. "He's in direct contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom." "Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all God's wisdom, but he sure doesn't know anything about bear hunting. On that note, is the bait holding up OK or do we need to go back to town and grab another one?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Dead Horse Date: 08 Jan 10 - 03:24 AM Did the Pope have a cr*p in the woods while he was there? |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Bryn Pugh Date: 08 Jan 10 - 04:59 AM Was the grizzly bear a catholic ? |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 14 Jan 10 - 11:06 AM A Weekly Round of Golf All the employees at a company met for a round of golf every Saturday. They asked the new guy, George, to meet them at 10:00 Saturday morning. George replied that he would love to meet them, but he may be six minutes late. On Saturday morning, George was there at exactly 10:00. He golfed right-handed and won the round. The following Saturday rolls around, and George says that he will be there, but he may be six minutes late again. He shows up right on time, golfs left-handed, and again wins the round. This continues for the next few weeks, with George always saying that he may be six minutes late, and then always winning the round golfing either left- or right-handed. The other employees were getting tired of this, and decided to ask him what the deal was. They said, "George, every Saturday you say you may be six minutes late. You never are. Then you show up and golf either right-handed or left-handed, and always win. What is up with that?" "Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy," George replied. "Every Saturday when I wake up, I look over at my wife. If she is sleeping on her left side, I golf left-handed. If she is sleeping on her right side, I golf right-handed. It gives me good luck, and because of that I usually win." "Okay," one of the employees questioned. "But what happens if your wife is lying on her back?" "In that case," George says, "I am six minutes late." |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 14 Jan 10 - 11:10 AM How I Think of Myself I used to think I was poor. Then they told me I wasn't poor; I was needy. Then they told me it was self-defeating to think of myself as needy; I was deprived. Then they told me deprived was a bad image; I was underprivileged. Then they told me underprivileged was overused; I was disadvantaged. I still don't have a dime. But I sure have a great vocabulary. |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 14 Jan 10 - 03:54 PM The admiral's daughter finally persuaded her father to allow her to marry the able seaman. But the admiral was still worried about his decision some months later, so he warned his daughter, "Now, some of these sailors have strange desires. Whatever you do, don't give in to any requests he might make to have sex ...ahh...well... 'the other way'." "Really, father!" replied his daughter. "Our sex life is our business, and for your information we are very happy." But her father's remarks had got her wondering, so later that night she said to her husband, "Do you ever feel like having sex 'the other way,' sweetie?" "What?!," yelled her husband. "No way! Next thing you know the house would be full of bloody kids!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 14 Jan 10 - 04:04 PM The Wit of Dorothy Parker Dorothy Parker (1893-1967) was an American writer, critic, and wit; a member of the famed Algonquin Round Table; a writer for New Yorker magazine; an early television personality; and a wonderfully sharp-tongued observer of the human condition. The New Yorker was launched in 1925 by Harold Ross on a very tight budget. The magazine's finances were so bad that even the simplest equipment was in short supply. One day, Editor Harold Ross complained to Dorothy for being late on a story assignment. Her reply? "Someone else was using the pencil." While on her honeymoon, Dorothy Parker was interrupted by her New Yorker editor Harold Ross, who was asking after a late book review. "Too fucking busy," Parker replied, "and vice versa." At a party, an arrogant young man told Parker, as he looked around the room at the guests, "I'm afraid I simply cannot bear fools." "How odd," Parker replied. "Your mother could, apparently." For her review of a novel by Italian dictator Benito Mussolini, Parker wrote "This is not a book to be cast aside lightly. It should be hurled with great force." Parker was not fond of Clare Boothe Luce. A friend tried to convince her of Luce's qualities, telling her that for instance, Luce is "very kind to her inferiors." "Oh?" Parker replied. "Where does she find them?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: GUEST,Jugs Date: 14 Jan 10 - 04:26 PM What Religion is Your Bra? A man walked into the ladies department of Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, 'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.'
'What type of bra?' asked the clerk.
'Look around,' said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, colour and material imaginable.
The saleslady replied: 'There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?'
The Saleslady responded, 'It is all really quite simple. |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: MGM·Lion Date: 15 Jan 10 - 12:58 AM The Dorothy Parker-ism I have always been fond of was her reaction when the news reached the Algonquin Round Table that President Coolidge was dead. "How can they tell?" she enquired. |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Bainbo Date: 15 Jan 10 - 07:33 AM In a similar vein, it's said that when news broke of the death of Spain's General Franco, there was consternation among his underlings, and mutterings of: "But who's going to tell him?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 15 Jan 10 - 11:50 AM A Dry Town In a small midwestern conservative town, there wasn't a place to get a drink for miles around, so a local entrepreneur saw an opportunity: He started to build a tavern. Liking a "dry" town, the local church started a campaign to block the bar from opening with petitions and prayers. The businessman was polite when congregants came to protest, but work continued on the tavern. But the night before the grand opening, a lightning strike hit the bar and it burned to the ground. The church folks were rather smug in their piousness after that -- until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the destruction of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means. The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise in its reply to the court. At the first hearing, the judge held up the paperwork and took in the lawyers and both sides of the lawsuit. "I don't know how I'm going to decide this," the judge said, "but as it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner that believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that doesn't." |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: dick greenhaus Date: 15 Jan 10 - 12:43 PM And as the divine Ms. Parker said, "If all the girls at this party were laid end-to-end, I wouldn't be in the least surprised." |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 16 Jan 10 - 01:36 PM Artistic Good News, and Bad News An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings currently on display. "I've got good news and bad news," the owner replied. "Give me the good news first," the artist demanded. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings." "That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed, "What could possibly be the bad news?" With concern, the gallery owner replied, "The guy was your doctor." |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: bubblyrat Date: 17 Jan 10 - 08:20 AM Typical Naval Joke - The Commander-in-Chief, a full Admiral, visits his domain, the local Naval Base and Dockyard, one sunny summer's day. Accompanying him is his pretty, six-year-old, blonde, curly-haired, adorable little daughter. She is, like her father, immaculately turned-out, and carries a rather fetching little parasol. Upon entering through the Dockyard gate, the Admiral is saluted, with a "present arms" by a sailor on sentry duty. After these formalities, the little girl says "Daddy, may I go and talk to that sailor?" "Alright" says father, "but don't be long." Tugging at the still-rigid sentry's trousers, she says, "Hullo! I want you to talk to me!" "Well now, that's a very fine parasol you have there," comes the somewhat unimaginative reply. Stamping her feet angrily, the little girl says, "No! No! I want you to say something NAUTICAL!" To which the sailor replies, through gritted teeth, "You can shove your fucking parasol right up your fucking arse!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 17 Jan 10 - 01:22 PM "Summerlands" A Pagan died and, much to her surprise, found herself at the Pearly Gates facing St. Peter. He walked up to her and said, "Hello, and welcome. I'm St. Peter." She stared at St. Peter in complete confusion. "Wait a minute," she said. "I was supposed to end up in the Summerlands." He smiled. "Ah, you must be one of our Pagan sisters. Follow me, please." Peter gestured for her to follow him down a small path which went through the gates and down a bit to the left. They walked for a short while, then he stepped back and gestured her forward. Looking past his hand, she saw the verdant fields and forests of her desired Summerlands. She saw people feasting, dancing, and making merry, exactly as she expected. While shaking her head in wonder, the Pagan happened to glance over to one side and saw a small group of people a short way away from the edge of the Summerlands. The people in the group were watching the revelers, but not joining them. Instead, they were screaming and weeping piteously. The Pagan looked at St. Peter. "Who are those people?" St. Peter replied, "Them? They're fundamentalists. They're a bit surprised to see you all there, so they stand there and carry on like that all day." "Why? Don't they have better things to do?" Peter leaned conspiratorially toward her. "They don't really have a choice. They're actually in Hell. God doesn't like being told what He thinks." |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 23 Jan 10 - 03:33 PM "Golf Terms" A Fairway on the Golf Course is a narrow strip of mown grass that separates two groups of golfers who are out looking for lost balls in the rough. A sand trap on the golf course is a deep depression filled with golfers who are in a deep depression. Golfing is the art of using a bowed club and a flawed swing, a poor stance and tight shoes, a weak grip and a lose shank tape on the handle of the club, to hit a small ball badly toward the wrong hole, out of turn. |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Gurney Date: 24 Jan 10 - 12:48 AM A variation on your 'Summerlands' joke, Uncle Dave: And then St. Peter led her past a walled enclosure. "Who's in there?" she asked. "Shhhhh!" said the Archangel. "That's the Catholic enclosure. They think they're the only ones here!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 25 Jan 10 - 10:02 AM "Dental Hygienist" As a dental hygienist, I had a family come in one day for cleanings. By the time I was ready for the father, he informed me I had a lot to live up to. His six-year-old daughter kept commenting that a "very smart lady" was cleaning their teeth today. The father said she kept going on about my intelligence until finally he had to ask what she was basing her opinion on. The little girl replied, "I heard people in here call her the Dental High Genius." |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Mrrzy Date: 25 Jan 10 - 03:56 PM The recession was so bad that when the family had to get an exorcism for their teenage daughter, they couldn't pay the priest. So she got repossessed. |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Joe_F Date: 25 Jan 10 - 03:59 PM I called the suicide hotline the other day. It had been outsourced to a call center in Pakistan. The man said, "Wonderful! Can you drive a truck?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Peter the Squeezer Date: 25 Jan 10 - 04:27 PM Wife finds hubsand in the kitchen holding a fly swatter, and asks, " How many have you killed?" He answers, "Five. Three male and two female". Wife then asks, " How can you tell the difference?" "Easy" says the husband, "Three were on the beer can, and two were on the phone". |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 28 Jan 10 - 09:09 AM "Tough Final" Two football players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the Sugar Bowl the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank. The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a _________." Bubba was stumped. He had no idea of the answer. He knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed. Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder. "Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the last question?" Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed then he turned to Bubba. "Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a farm." "Oh yeah," said Bubba. "I remember now." He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Reaching to tap Tiny's shoulder again, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?" "You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is spelled - E-I-E-I-O." |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 28 Jan 10 - 05:42 PM My Fiance's Sister Rated PG-13 One day the sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived and whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she could not overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me -- just once -- before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top, she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door, stepped out of the house, and began walking toward my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes, he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to our family!" The moral of the story? Be smart, like me. Always keep your condoms in your car |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Bill D Date: 29 Jan 10 - 07:29 PM How can you tell an extrovert from an introvert at NSA? In the elevators, the extrovert looks at the OTHER guy's shoes. |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 31 Jan 10 - 09:49 AM "Fun In The Bible" Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible? A. Noah was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation. Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible? A. Pharaoh's daughter went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet. Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he got married? A. Ruthless. Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible? A. Samson brought the house down. Q. How did Adam and Eve feel when expelled from the Garden of Eden? A. They were definitely put out. Q. What is one of the first things Adam and Eve did after they were kicked out? A. They raised a little Cain. Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children to explain why he no longer lived in Eden? A. "Your mother ate us out of house and home." Q. Which servant of Jehovah was the most proficient lawbreaker in the Bible? A. Moses broke all ten commandments at once. Q. Where is the first tennis match in the Bible? A. Joseph served in Pharaoh's court. Q. Where is the first recorded Biblical case of constipation? A. In Kings where it says that David sat on the throne for forty years. Q. Which Bible character had no parents? A. Joshua was the son of Nun. Q. Why didn't Noah go fishing? A. He only had two worms! Q. How do we know they didn't play cards in the ark? A. Because Noah sat on the deck. |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: GUEST,Bob L Date: 31 Jan 10 - 05:48 PM Well, in that case... Q. Who is the shortest man in the Bible? A. Bildad the Shuhite. Q. How do we know that Moses wore a wig? A. Sometimes he was seen with Aaron, sometimes without. And no less than five Scriptural constipation cases are recognized (surely you've heard the song?): 1. Cain, he was not Abel. 2. Moses, he took the tablets. 3. Balaam, he could not move his ass. 4. Samson, he brought the house down. 5. Solomon, he sat for 40 years. |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Joe_F Date: 31 Jan 10 - 08:56 PM Who was the second-shortest man in the Bible? Ne-hi-miah. Who was the smallest man in the Bible? He who had not, and even that which he had was taken away. |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Folkiedave Date: 02 Feb 10 - 08:18 AM A Man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but I'm afraid you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be OK, you'll walk again, everything seems to be OK, but there is a bit of bad news and I'm going to break it to you as gently as I can. Your Willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.' The bloke groans a bit (as you do) but the doctor goes on, 'We've checked your insurance and you've actually got £9,000 compensation coming to you and the good news is that we have the technology now to build you a new Willy that will work just as well as your old one, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It is one thousand pounds an inch.' The bloke perks up a bit at this (as you would.) 'So it's a simple decision,' the doctor says, you need to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch willy before and you decide to go for a nine inch Willy now, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine incher before and you decide only to invest in a five incher now, she might be a bit disappointed. So it's important that you consult with her to help you make the decision.' So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day. 'So' he says, 'have you spoken with your wife?' 'I have.' says the chap. 'And has she helped you to make the decision?' 'Yes, she has' he says. 'And what is the decision?' asks the doctor. 'We're having a new kitchen.' |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 02 Feb 10 - 06:13 PM "Lawyers Q&A" Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers? It's called, Sosumi. How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer? She has an uncontrollable craving for bologna. How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other. If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the newspaper? What are lawyers good for? They make used car salesmen look good. What did the terrorist that hijacked a jumbo-jet full of lawyers do? He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met. What do you call 25 attorneys buried up to their chins in cement? Not enough cement. What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers? Skeet. What do you call a lawyer gone bad? Senator. What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? Your Honor. What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partners. What's the difference between a mosquito and a lawyer? One is a bloodsucking parasite, the other is an insect. Why does California have the most lawyers in the country, and New Jersey have the most toxic waste sites? New Jersey got first choice! |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Donuel Date: 03 Feb 10 - 05:15 PM Funniest thing I heard on TV today... "Obama's credibility is on the line here, as much as my own !" Quote: Glen Beck |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Dharmabum Date: 05 Feb 10 - 10:34 AM As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky backcountry. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical man I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I was opening the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years." |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 09 Feb 10 - 08:32 PM On a flight heading for Detroit, Jack was sitting reading the paper when he noticed the guy next to him. The guy was an emotional wreck -- pale, hands shaking, quivering in fear. "What's the matter?" Jack asked. "Afraid to fly?" "Not at all. I've been transferred to Detroit," the guy said. "There's crazy people there! They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate in the country!" "I've lived in Detroit all my life," Jack replied. "It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe a place as anywhere in the world." The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death. But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you and your wife do there?" "Us?" said Jack. "Well, I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck, and my wife volunteers in the north sector guard tower at our kids' school." |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: bubblyrat Date: 10 Feb 10 - 12:52 PM The late JD Salinger was once asked which woman, he felt, was the sexiest, most alluring, most attractive of her kind in the 1960s-1970s. After some deliberation, he suggested "The Cat, Cher; in theory". |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Joe_F Date: 10 Feb 10 - 06:23 PM A man was seated on a bus, with an unoccupied seat next to him. He saw a disheveled, crazy-looking woman come down the aisle, and murmured to himself, "Oh, God, please don't let her sit next to me!" But that was what she did, and her first words were "God told me to sit with you". |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Bryn Pugh Date: 11 Feb 10 - 06:05 AM I am a Lawyer and I have no qualms about posting this one. Did you hear about the Barrister (US : Attorney) who, whilst at the Aquarium, fell into the tank which held the sharks ? He ate three before he was pulled out. Q. Whay do you call an honest lawyer ? A. A liar. Then there was the chap who drowned in a vat of beer. He got out three times for a piss before he died. |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 12 Feb 10 - 04:11 PM A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. The man then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "You actually know that many women?" he asks, amazed. "No," says the mad mailer. "I don't know any of them." "Then why spend so much to send so many expensive cards?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies. |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 13 Feb 10 - 05:47 PM Secrets from your Driver's License A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date. "Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?" "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied. "It's not polite." "OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?" "Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business." Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?" "That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play. "My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend. "Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it!" Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are: you're 32." The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?" "I also know that you weigh 140 pounds!" The mother is past surprised -- she's shocked. "How in Heaven's name did you find that out?" "And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce." "Oh really?" the mother asks, now getting suspicious. "Why?" "Because you got an F in sex!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 13 Feb 10 - 05:59 PM Advanced Pain Control A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out, and they were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go head and kick it up a notch. Surprised, the doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer all the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. But when they got home, the mailman was lying dead on the porch. |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 16 Feb 10 - 04:21 PM The Hotel Check-In A friend of mine who works for the government was on a business trip, and checked into a hotel in Washington D.C. in preparation for a meeting at headquarters. Wanting to ensure that he stayed completely on the up-and-up, he remembered to ask this time, to avoid it appearing on his bill -- which would be examined by government auditors. "Excuse me," he said to the clerk as he accepted his room key. "I certainly hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." "No, you sick bastard!" she exclaimed. "It's regular porn!" Sometimes you have to be really careful how you word things. |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: GUEST,Bob L Date: 17 Feb 10 - 07:07 AM Supposedly a true story. A guy on a business trip took one of his associates to the theatre, claiming the cost (legitimately) on expenses. The show they went to see was "The Greatest Little Whorehouse In Texas". On the Visa statement received by Accounts, the payment was identified just as "Whorehouse In Texas".... |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 17 Feb 10 - 05:28 PM Childhood Diseases A young couple arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing. When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "Ewww -- what's wrong with your feet?" "I had tolio as a child," he answered. "You mean polio?" she asked. "No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes." The bride was satisfied with this explanation and they continued undressing. When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again wrinkled up her nose. "What's wrong with your knees?" she asked. "They're all lumpy and deformed!" "As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained. "You mean measles?" she asked. "No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees." The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear. "Don't tell me," she said. "You also had smallcox, didn't you?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Mrrzy Date: 18 Feb 10 - 03:29 PM What did butter say to bread when they got pulled over by the cops? We're toast! |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Midchuck Date: 18 Feb 10 - 04:03 PM An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed. As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started On him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where Have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and On and on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he Poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak In the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he Dragged himself up the stairs. While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight. Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided To go up stairs and give him the good news... As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her Husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet. 'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said. He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?! |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 19 Feb 10 - 08:49 AM "A Skier's Dictionary Alp: One of a number of ski mountains in Europe. Also a shouted request for assistance made by a European skier on a U.S. mountain. An appropriate reply: "What Zermatter?" Avalanche: One of the few actual perils skiers face that needlessly frighten timid individuals away from the sport. See also: Blizzard, Fracture, Frostbite, Hypothermia, Lift Collapse. Bindings: Automatic mechanisms that protect skiers from potentially serious injury during a fall by releasing skis from boots, sending the skis skittering across the slope where they trip two other skiers, and so on and on, eventually causing the entire slope to be protected from serious injury. Bones: There are 206 in the human body. No need for dismay, however: TWO bones of the middle ear have never been broken in a skiing accident. Cross-Country Skiing: Traditional Scandinavian all-terrain snow-travelling technique. It's good exercise. It doesn't require the purchase of costly lift tickets. It has no crowds or lines. It isn't skiing. See Cross-Country Something-Or-Other. Cross-Country Something-or-Other: Touring on skis along trails in scenic wilderness, gliding through snow-hushed woods far from the hubbub of the ski slopes, hearing nothing but the whispery hiss of the skis slipping through snow and the muffled tinkle of car keys dropping into the puffy powder of a deep, wind-sculpted drift. Exercises: A few simple warm-ups to make sure you're prepared for the slopes: *Tie a cinder block to each foot with old belts and climb a flight of stairs. *Sit on the outside of a second-story window ledge with your skis on and your poles in your lap for 30 minutes. *Bind your legs together at the ankles, lie flat on the floor; then, holding a banana in each hand, get to your feet. Gloves: Designed to be tight enough around the wrist to restrict circulation, but not so close-fitting as to allow any manual dexterity; they should also admit moisture from the outside without permitting any dampness within to escape. Gravity: One of four fundamental forces in nature that affect skiers. The other three are the strong force, which makes bindings jam; the weak force, which makes ankles give way on turns; and electromagnetism, which produces dead batteries in expensive ski-resort parking lots. See Inertia. Inertia: Tendency of a skier's body to resist changes in direction or speed due to the action of Newton's First Law of Motion. Goes along with these other physical laws: * Two objects of greatly different mass falling side by side will have the same rate of descent, but the lighter one will have larger hospital bills. * Matter can neither be created nor destroyed, but if it drops out of a parka pocket, don't expect to encounter it again in our universe. * When an irresistible force meets an immovable object, an unethical lawyer will immediately appear. Prejump: Maneuver in which an expert skier makes a controlled jump just ahead of a bump. Beginners can execute a controlled prefall just before losing their balance and, if they wish, can precede it with a prescream and a few pregroans. Shin: The bruised area on the front of the leg that runs from the point where the ache from the wrenched knee ends to where the soreness from the strained ankle begins. Ski! : A shout to alert people ahead that a loose ski is coming down the hill. Another warning skiers should be familiar with is "Avalanche!" - which tells everyone that a hill is coming down the hill. Skier: One who pays an arm and a leg for the opportunity to break them. Stance: Your knees should be flexed, but shaking slightly; your arms straight and covered with a good layer of goose flesh; your hands forward, palms clammy, knuckles white and fingers icy, your eyes a little crossed and darting in all directions. Your lips should be quivering, and you should be mumbling, "Why?" Thor: The Scandinavian god of acheth and paineth. Traverse: To ski across a slope at an angle; one of two quick and simple methods of reducing speed. Tree: The other method. |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Midchuck Date: 19 Feb 10 - 10:07 AM Cross-Country Skiing: Traditional Scandinavian all-terrain snow-travelling technique. It's good exercise. It doesn't require the purchase of costly lift tickets. It has no crowds or lines. It isn't skiing. Hey, Dave? ...you and the horse you rode in on. Some of us think it's the ONLY skiing that is skiing. Yeah, I know, it's just a joke. So are jokes about n*****s or Q****s. P. |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 25 Feb 10 - 05:19 PM "Summerlands" A Pagan died and, much to her surprise, found herself at the Pearly Gates facing St. Peter. He walked up to her and said, "Hello, and welcome." She stared at St. Peter in complete confusion. "Wait a minute," she said. "I was supposed to end up in the Summerlands." He smiled. "Ah, you must be one of our Pagan sisters. Follow me, please." Peter gestured for her to follow him down a small path which went through the gates and down a bit to the left. They walked for a short while, then he stepped back and gestured her forward. Looking past his hand, she saw the verdant fields and forests of her desired Summerlands. She saw people feasting, dancing, and making merry, exactly as she expected. While shaking her head in wonder, the Pagan happened to glance over to one side and saw a small group of people a short way away from the edge of the Summerlands. The people in the group were watching the revelers, but not joining them. Instead, they were screaming and weeping piteously, beating their heads on the ground, tearing their clothing. The Pagan looked at St. Peter. "Who are those people?" St. Peter replied, "Them? They're fundamentalists. They're a bit surprised to see you all there, so they stand there and carry on like that all day." "Why? Don't they have better things to do?" Peter leaned conspiratorially toward her. "They don't really have a choice. They're actually in Hell. God doesn't like being told what He thinks." |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: GUEST,999 Date: 26 Feb 10 - 01:27 AM Just received the following by e-mail. FYI, after I respond to the Prince I want you all to know I intend to keep on talking with the 'little people'. "His Royal Highness Prince Salman bin Hamad Al Khalifa Kingdom of Bahrain Bahrain, officially the Kingdom of Bahrain (Arabic Mamlakat al-Bahrayn), is a borderless island country in the Persian Gulf and is the smallest Arab nation. I am seeking for a reliable and trust worthy business partner for my client life time investment abroad in Real Estate Depending on your business plan, proposals and professionalism,all profitable business with assurance that the security of the funds will be there with ROI of at least 10% per annum TRUST IS MY WATCHWORD.I look forward to your early reply via EMAIL Note that a fully signed and stamped Memorandum of Understanding with Probate of Seal will be initiated in this business venture to aid this transaction between the both Parties I will be sending to you my private email id in due time 1. Your Complete Full Names. 2. Your Residential Address. 3. Your age and Occupation 4. Your Phone and Fax Numbers for Easy and Faster Communication. May Allah bless you Barrister Malek Kteishat" |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 26 Feb 10 - 07:29 PM One for the ladies One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?' 'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?' He yelled back, ' Liverpool ' And they say blondes are dumb... ------------------------------------------------------- A couple are lying in bed. The man says, 'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.' The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...' ----------------------------------------------------------- 'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?' 'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied. ----------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man? A: A rumour ----------------------------------------------------------- A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands. The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy! ----------------------------------------------------------- Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- - Q: Why do little boys whine? A: They are practising to be men. ----------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you call a handcuffed man? A: Trustworthy. ----------------------------------------------------------- Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough. ----------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet? A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe. ----------------------------------------------------------- Q: How do you keep your man from reading your e-mail? A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manuals' |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Dharmabum Date: 27 Feb 10 - 09:03 AM An elderly gent is getting a checkup at the doctors office. While the doc is examining him,the doc asks the guy,"Do you & your wife still have mutual relations"? The old man gets up,shuffles to the door,sticks his head out & hollars down the hall to his wife; "Hey Maude,do we still have mutual relations"? "No"she hollars back,"I keep telling you,we have Prudential". |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Mrrzy Date: 27 Feb 10 - 12:56 PM Quip from Wait Wait Don't Tell me segment on how the elderly, in increasing numbers, are getting stoned. "I've got the munchies, Martha, where are my teeth?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 27 Feb 10 - 02:58 PM HEARSAY EVIDENCE An actress was testifying in New York in a suit for damages, and the cross-examiner plotted to discredit all her testimony by proving that she consistently lied about her age. She was fifty-two, but posed as forty. She did not wish to lie under oath. "How old are you?" the cross-examiner asked. "I don't know," she said promptly. 'What! You don't know?" "No. I never had a birth certificate. I have never looked up the record of my birth." "But Miss," the cross-examiner protested suavely, "surely your parents told you your age. When did they say you were born?" "That," said the actress firmly, "is hearsay evidence, and I am sure you would not ask that it be admitted." "But . . . but. . . ," the cross-examiner sputtered. The actress turned to the judge. "Am I right or wrong, your Honor?" The judge grinned. "You are correct," he said. |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Doug Chadwick Date: 27 Feb 10 - 03:23 PM A young lady was going out clubbing but, unfortunately, had a bad case of the sniffles. She decided that an extra handkerchief would be a wise precaution but by the time she had filled her tiny evening bag with the essentials such as her mobile phone, makeup, money for a taxi, etc, there was only room for one handkerchief. No problem, she just popped it inside her bra. After all, Mother Nature can always do with a little help. During the evening of active disco dancing, jigging, jiving, pogoing and the like, she discretely reached for her spare handherchief but couldn't find it. After a few surreptitious pokes and prods with one finger met with no success, she left to find somewhere more private. One of the barmen went out for a smoke break. He had noticed the young lady's energetic gyrations on the dance floor through the evening, but was quite taken aback when he saw her in a corner with her hand thrust down the front of her dress, groping around and muttering to herself: "I'm sure I had two when I came in" |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Joe_F Date: 27 Feb 10 - 05:16 PM A Bachelor's Prayer O Lord, may I never be married, But if I must be married, may my wife be faithful to me, But if she must be unfaithful, may I not know of it, But if I must know, may I not mind. |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: freda underhill Date: 01 Mar 10 - 08:36 AM Top signs of Net addiction -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed. 2. You get a tattoo that reads "This body best viewed with Netscape Navigator 2.1 or higher." 3. You name your children Eudora, Mozilla and Dotcom. 4. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one. 5. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap...and your child in the overhead compartment. 6. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access. 7. You laugh at people with 2400-baud modems. 8. You start using smileys in your snail mail. 9. Your hard drive crashes. You haven't logged in for two hours. You start to twitch. You pick up the phone and manually dial your ISP's access number. You try to hum to communicate with the modem. And you succeed. |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Desert Dancer Date: 01 Mar 10 - 11:53 AM Wow, that's a vintage item!! |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 02 Mar 10 - 05:59 PM The Importance of Walking Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month. My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell he is. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing.. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there. Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.. I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them. The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, she looks good doesn't she.' If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country. I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,...... just getting over the hill.. We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. AND Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine. |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Joe_F Date: 02 Mar 10 - 06:29 PM A university is a storehouse of learning, because the freshmen enter with so much, and the seniors leave with so little. * No, no, nurse! I said *prick* his *boil*. |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Michael Date: 03 Mar 10 - 08:29 AM No Nurse! I said 'Remove his SPECTACLES!' Mike |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: *#1 PEASANT* Date: 03 Mar 10 - 08:32 AM Here is my collection Irish Humor |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 04 Mar 10 - 06:18 PM Irritating St. Peter St. Peter is very busy in Heaven, so he leaves a sign by the Pearly Gates: "For Service Ring Bell." Away he goes; he barely gets started when BING! the bell rings. He rushes back to the gates, but no one's there. St. Peter goes back to work when suddenly BING! the bell rings again. He rushes back to the gates, but no one's there. A little annoyed, St. Peter goes back to work. Suddenly, BING! the bell rings again. St. Peter goes back; again, no one's there, and he's now really, /really/ irritated. "Okay, that's it," he says. "I'm going to hide and watch to see what's going on." So St. Peter hides, and a moment later, a little old man walks up and rings the bell. St. Peter jumps out and yells, "Aha! Are you the guy who keeps ringing the bell?" "Yes, that's me," the little old man says. "Well, why do you keep ringing the bell and going away?" St. Peter asks. "They keep resuscitating me." |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Desert Dancer Date: 04 Mar 10 - 10:09 PM One of the short animated films nominated for an Oscar is a variation on that tale - an old woman dies and is happy to see the grim reaper when she realizes she'll be with her husband again, but she's resuscitated by a macho doctor -- the rest of the film is a duel between death and the doctor; the old lady wins in the end. The Lady and the Reaper (All the shorts are featured here ~ Becky in Tucson |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 08 Mar 10 - 10:27 AM "Short Bits" Neurotic: A person who worries about things that didn't happen in the past . . . instead of worrying about something that won't happen in the future . . . like normal people. You come into this world with nothing, and you leave with nothing. Except, when you leave . . . you have to pay taxes on it. I have learned a great deal about myself from my Inbox. According to my junk e-mail, I'm bald, impotent and in need of constant refinancing. Businessman to another executive: "Since we began our corporate stress-reduction seminars, production's gone down and no one seems to care." Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, "Jesus, this stuff is expensive!" Congress was upset that one of its own members' offices was searched with a warrant. But none of them seemed upset by the fact that the guy is accused of taking a $100,000 bribe. Christmas is a time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell the government what they want and their kids pay for it. Some guy broke into our house last week. He didn't even take the TV. He just took the remote control. Now he drives by and changes channels on us. Iraq's minister of planning and development says they are in a phase, marked by unprecedented chaos and government corruption. Sounds like they have the same kind of democracy we have. Mr. Parker saw his son's shiner and demanded, "Jimmy, who gave you that black eye?" "No one," replied the spunky child. "I had to fight for it." |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Peter the Squeezer Date: 12 Mar 10 - 03:03 PM 53 Things you'd like to say at work 1.I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh*t. 2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. 3. How about never? Is never good for you? 4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. 5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way. 6. Who lit the fuse on your tampon? 7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message. 8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant. 9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying. 10 Ahhhh. I see the f ***-up fairy has visited us again. 11 I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid. 12 You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers. 13 I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a sh*t. 14 I'm already visualising the duct tape over your mouth. 15 I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. 16 Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. 17 The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist. 18 Any resemblance between your reality and mine are purely coincidental. 19 What am I? Flypaper for freaks?! 20 I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant. 21 It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off. 22 Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial. 23 And your cry-baby whiny-arsed opinion would be? 24 Do I look like a f****** people person to you? 25 This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. 26 I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left. 27 Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. 28 If I throw a stick, will you leave? 29 Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. 30 Whatever kind of look you were aiming for, you missed. 31 Oh I get it. Like humour, but different......... 32 An office is just a mental institute without the padded walls. 33 Can I swap this job for what's behind door .........1? 34 Too many freaks, not enough circuses. 35 Nice perfume (or aftershave). Must you marinate in it? 36 Chaos, panic, and disorder. My work here is done. 37 How do I set a laser printer to stun? 38 I thought I wanted a career; it turns out I just needed the money. 39 I'll try being nicer if you'll try being more intelligent. 40 Wait a minute - I'm trying to imagine you with a personality. 41 Aren't you a black hole of need? 42 I'd like to help you out, which way did you come in? 43 Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning? 44 Why don't you slip into something more comfortable? Like a coma. 45 If you have something to say raise your hand.........then place it over your mouth. 46 I'm too busy, can I ignore you some other time? 47 Don't let your mind wander, it's too small to be let out on its own. 48 Have a nice day, somewhere else. 49 You're not yourself today, I noticed the improvement straight away. 50 You are as pretty as a picture, I'd really like to hang you. 51 Don't believe everything you think. 52. Do you hear that? That's the sound of no-one caring. 53. I reject your reality and substitute my own. |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: HuwG Date: 13 Mar 10 - 02:43 AM I've just started a hectic IT Support job. I intend circulating the following memo: From: IT Support To: All staff 1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours. 2. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here. 3. When an IT person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 300 screensaver passwords. 4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We need to know that you can't get your e-mail, not that it's because your computer won't power on at all. 5. When IT Support sends you an email with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing. 6. When an IT person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve. 7. Send urgent e-mail all in uppercase. The e-mail server detects the capitals and flags the message for a rush delivery. 8. When the photocopier doesn't work, call IT Support. There's electronics in it. 9. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call IT Support on your mobile phone. We can fix your land line remotely from here. 10. When you have a dozen old computer screens to get rid of, call IT Support. We're collectors. 11. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an IT person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle. 12. When an IT Support person tells you that computer monitors don't have ink cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument. 13. When an IT Support person tells you that (s)he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us. 14. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes. 15. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work. 16. Don't learn the proper name for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "my thingy won't work". 17. Don't use online help. Online help is for wimps. 18. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 20kg of computer sitting on top of them. 19. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the recent anti-virus software upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with half a pound of muffin crumbs and nail clippings in them. 20. When you get a message saying "Are you sure?" click on that Yes button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing it, would you? 21. When you find an IT Support person on the phone with the bank, sit uninvited on the corner of his desk and stare at them until they hang up. We don't have any money to speak of anyway. 22. Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that computer sh*t." We don't mind at all hearing our area of professional expertise referred to as sh*t. 23. When you need to change the toner cartridge in a printer, call IT Support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional engineer with a master's degree in nuclear physics. 24. When you can't find someone in the local telephone directory, call IT Support. 25. When you have a lock to pick on an old file cabinet, call IT Support. We love to hack. 26. When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to call the IT Help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third party who doesn't know anything about the problem. 27. When you receive a 30 Megabyte video streaming file, send it to everyone as a mail attachment. We've got lots of disk space on that mail server. 28. Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks. Somebody else might get a chance to squeeze a memo into the queue. 29. When an IT person gets on the lift pushing several thousands pounds' worth of computer equipment on a cart, ask in a very loud voice: "Good grief, you take the elevator to go DOWN one floor?!?" That's another one that cracks us up no end. 30. When you lose your car keys, send an email to the entire company. People out remote sites at the other end of the country like to keep abreast of what's going on. 31. When you bump into an IT person at the grocery store on a Saturday, ask a computer question. We do weekends. 32. Don't bother to tell us when you move computers around on your own. Computer names are just a cosmetic feature. Do blame IT Support when attempts to log in subsequently fail. You didn't actually do anything to the computer as such. 33. When you bring your own personal home PC for repair at the office, leave the documentation at home. We'll find all the settings and drivers somewhere. 34. We don't really believe that you're a bunch of ungrateful twits. It hurts our feelings that you could even think such a thing. We wish to express our deepest gratitude to the hundreds of clueless losers portrayed herein, without whom none of this would have been remotely possible. 35. Keep it crashing! |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Jim Dixon Date: 20 Mar 10 - 02:07 PM I hear Tiger Woods is starting to play golf again. But to demonstrate that he's learned his lesson, he's not going to play 18 holes. He's just going to play one hole over and over. |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Joe_F Date: 20 Mar 10 - 06:24 PM "Anyone can tell you're no gentleman." "Mmmm, same to you, lady!" * Philosophy is the disease of which it is the cure. * Pardon me, ma'am, but your slip is showing. You are mistaken, sir; it is my sister's. * The census taker knocked on a farmhouse door.... Religion? Presbyterian. Married? Yes. Children? Five. Ages? 5, 6, 7, 8, and 9. You were having them pretty regular for a while. Yes, sir, but we found out what was causing it. |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: frogprince Date: 25 Mar 10 - 09:09 PM Paddy was having a few at the pub, and then a few more; eventually he toppled off the barstool and fell flat on the floor. He managed to get to his feet, but within two steps he was flat on his face again. Fortunately he lived only a half block away, and by repeating the process for only an hour or so he made it home. At last he struggled to his feet against the door of his house, opened the door, and fell once more, inside on the floor. There he remained until his wife came downstairs in the morning. "Sure, and y've been out and done it agin, haven't ye, Paddy" she exclaimed. "And how did ye know?" he answered. "Cause the bartender called to say ye fergot yer wheelchair agin", she replied. |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: frogprince Date: 25 Mar 10 - 09:16 PM Ole, he verked at da funichure factry. Vun day he slipped, und cut off all ten of his finkers in da table saw. Dey rushed him to da hospital. Da doc said, "Ole, did ya bring da finkers? Ve got dis new microsurgery now, und ve should be able to sew dem back on und save dem." To which Ole replied, "But Doc, how did ya tink I vas gonna pick dem up?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Joe_F Date: 26 Mar 10 - 06:30 PM A Jew was sitting on a bus, when he noticed that the black man sitting next to him was reading a Yiddish newspaper. After resisting temptation for a while, he said, "Pardon me, sir, I know it's none of my business, but are you actually Jewish?" The black man raised his eyebrows & said "This I need too?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Dharmabum Date: 27 Mar 10 - 01:59 PM At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the IRS agent was checking the books he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?" "Good question," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages." "Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?" "Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster." "I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?" "Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick." |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Joe_F Date: 27 Mar 10 - 06:02 PM Two economists were taking a walk. "Hey, look! There's a $100 bill on the sidewalk." "You saw it first. Pick it up." "Why bother? If it were real, somebody else would have picked it up already." |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 28 Mar 10 - 05:56 PM "Bad Hearing" An elderly lady was concerned about her husband's hearing. It seemed that every time she would call him, he wouldn't respond. The lady went to the doctor to ask his advice. The doctor said to her, "when you go home, tell your husband to stand at the end of the hallway, and you should stand at the other end. Ask him what he wants for dinner. Continue to move him closer towards you until he responds to your question so you know exactly how far away he is from you when he finally hears you." She thought this was a great idea. When she got home, she placed her husband at the end of the hallway and yelled, "Herbert, what do you want for dinner?" There was no response. She moved 10 feet closer. Again she yelled, "Herbert, what do you want for dinner?" No response. She moved another 15 feet closer to where she was now practically face to face with her husband. She yelled even louder this time, "HERBERT, what do you want for dinner?!!" Herbert yells back at her, "For the THIRD time, I want chicken!!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Joe_F Date: 28 Mar 10 - 11:17 PM While we're on that subject: Once upon a time, a messenger boy delivered a bunch of flowers to Marlene Dietrich's dressing room, and surprised her in the nude. "Ooh, they're beautiful!" she said, and gave him a hug. "Well, you'd better run along now -- I hear somebody coming." "Y-you have w-w-wonderful hearing, Miss Dietrich...." A psychologist once trained fleas to jump when he rang a bell. Then he pulled off their legs. He concluded that when you pull off a flea's legs, it becomes deaf. A professor used to include in a lecture the sentence "An important thing to know about masturbation is" & then trail off into a mumble. If a student presumed to ask "What?", he would answer, loudly & clearly, "It makes you deaf". As a result, in my time at Caltech, if anyone asked "What?", he got that reply. |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: MGM·Lion Date: 30 Mar 10 - 11:37 PM (Reminded of this by Breathy Girl Singers thread above) ~~~ Doctor: Big breaths. Patient: Yeth; and I'm only 14. |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 31 Mar 10 - 03:26 AM A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: 'So I hear you're getting married?' 'Yep!' 'Do I know her?' 'Nope!' 'This woman, is she good looking?' 'Not really.' 'Is she a good cook?' 'Naw, she can't cook too well.' 'Does she have lots of money?' 'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.' 'Well, then, is she good in bed?' 'I don't know.' 'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?' 'Because she can still drive!' Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'' The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.' A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.' 'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?' 'Twelve thirty..' One more. . .......! A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?' 'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.' |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Naemanson Date: 31 Mar 10 - 06:08 AM Along the lines of the senior citizen and his new wife... A little one from downeast. Just imagine Kendall's accent and you'll do fine. Morning, Ezra. Morning. I hear you're getting married to Thelma Coffin. Ayuh. She's a mite on the heavy side ain't she? Ayuh, she runs about 370 pounds but I figure she'll be warmth in the winter and shade in the summer. |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 05 Apr 10 - 07:52 AM Grandma Goes To Court Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi Grandma a question they aren't prepared to answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness... a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked "Mrs. Jones, do you know me??". She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams". I've known you since you were a boy... and frankly, you are a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people, and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot, when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you". The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney??". She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him". The defence attorney nearly died. Suddenly, the judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench... and in a very quiet voice, warned them: "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair"!! |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Jim Dixon Date: 05 Apr 10 - 10:30 PM It was the school holidays in Oldmeldrum and eight year old Jeannie was more than a bit fed up. "Mither, can I tak' the dug for a wa'k aroon the park?" she enquired. "Na, at's nae on ava. The dug's in heat," came the reply. "Fit diz that mean – in heat?" persisted Jeannie. "Awa' an' speir at yir faither. He's muckin' oot the byre." So, Jeannie goes out to the byre and says, "Fadder, I'm needin' tae tak the dug for a wa'k aroon the park, but mither says it's in heat and tae hae a newsy tae you aboot it." Her father thought for a while then said, "Bring the dug o'er here." He took a cloth, dipped it in diesel and rubbed the dog's rear end with it. "Okay, awa' ye ging, but keep her on o' a leash an' jist gin roon' the park aince." Jeannie left but within a few minutes she had re-appeared with the leash, but no dog. "Fit's happened? Far's the dug?" asked her father excitedly. "Weel," said Jeannie, "she seemed tae rin out o' diesel nae far doon the road and anither dug is shovin' her hame." |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: MGM·Lion Date: 06 Apr 10 - 01:17 PM Opening his front door, the Rabbi found himself face to face with the local priest. "Rabbi, may I have a few words with you?" asked the priest. "Of course, Father," replied the Rabbi somewhat nervously. "Rabbi," began the priest, "It must be evident to you that in this town we are plagued by thieves. Scarcely a day passes without one of my flock coming to me bemoaning the fact that his house has been broken into. On the other hand, I have noticed that thieves do not bother you Jews nearly as much." "Father, you are correct." "Yes, but why is that?" inquired the priest. "Look at this little box here on the side of my door post," said the Rabbi. "It's called a mezuzah. We Jews believe that when we put a mezuzah on the entrances to our houses, the Holy One, may His Name be blessed, protects both us and our property." "In that case", replied the priest, "I must have one!" Not wishing to be the cause of an incipient pogrom, the Rabbi reluctantly handed over a mezuzah to the priest. Some two weeks later the Rabbi was awakened by the sound of someone pounding violently on his door. Dressing himself hastily, he made his way down the stairs. "Who's there?" the Rabbi asked tremulously. "Open the door! Open the door!" screamed a voice on the other side. Leaving the door on the chain, the Rabbi racked the door wide enough to see the priest standing in front of him, his eyes wild with great distress. "What happened?" asked the terrified Rabbi. "Were you not protected from robbers?" "I was! But these people were worse than robbers!" screamed the priest. "Who?" asked the rabbi. "Fundraisers! " |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: GUEST,Neil D Date: 07 Apr 10 - 11:35 AM I was driving in the country and I saw a small boy walking down the road with a fishing pole. I said "I see you're going fishing." He said "Yep". "Got worms", I asked. He said "Yeah, but I'm going anyway". |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: MGM·Lion Date: 12 Apr 10 - 06:16 AM There has been a robbery at the local police station. Thieves have stolen the WC. The police say they have nothing to go on. ~Michael~ |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Michael Date: 12 Apr 10 - 10:27 AM --and where the WC was is now a great big hole: The Police are looking in to it. Mike |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Joe_F Date: 12 Apr 10 - 08:36 PM A man was trying to launch a kite in his front yard. There was a stiff breeze, but every time he let the kite go, it nosedived. His wife watched him from the porch, and shouted "You need a little more tail". He shouted back "Make up your mind! Last night you told me to go fly a kite". * "Have the police found the missing oscilloscope?" "No, but they say they have a couple of leads." "Oh. I hope this doesn't trigger a sweep of the neighborhood." |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: katlaughing Date: 13 Apr 10 - 01:53 PM WHO DOES WHAT A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.’ The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.' Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.' Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.' So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says, 'HEBREWS' |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 11 May 10 - 09:16 PM "Listening Indian" Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?" "Yeah," says the other cowboy. "Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction." Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, furniture in wagon." "Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!" The Indian looks up and says, "Yep, they ran over me about a half hour ago." |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Roger the Skiffler Date: 12 May 10 - 04:30 AM One from Spike Miligan: New house of ill-repute opens offering: Deluxe deal or Economy deal Deluxe deal is a night of continental sex with a full English breakfast Economy deal is a night of English sex followed by a Continental breakfast. RtS |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 12 May 10 - 10:14 AM "Lonely Frog" A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future holds. His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." The frog is thrilled, "This is great! "Will I meet her at a party?" he croaks. "No," says the psychic, "in biology class." |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Desert Dancer Date: 12 May 10 - 12:05 PM In the NY Times: Strange Signs From Abroad (a slideshow). |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 13 May 10 - 07:38 AM "Zoo Employment" This guy needs a job and decides to apply at the zoo. As it happened, their star attraction, a gorilla, had passed away the night before and they had carefully preserved his hide. They tell this guy that they'll pay him well if he would dress up in the gorilla's skin and pretend to be the gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo. Well, the guy has his doubts, but Hey! He needs the money, so he puts on the skin and goes out into the cage. The people all cheer to see him. He plays up to the audience and they just eat it up. This isn't so bad, he thinks, and he starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating his chest and roaring, swinging around. During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage! As he lies there stunned, the lion roars. He's terrified and starts screaming, "Help, Help, Help!" The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses, "Shut up or we'll BOTH lose our jobs!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 13 May 10 - 06:29 PM "True/False Exam" This blond fellow reports for his University final examination that consists of Y/N type questions. He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his wallet out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet, Y for Heads and N for Tails. Within half an hour he is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, he is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on. "I finished the exam in half an hour. But," he says, "I'm not going to to be able to finish rechecking my answers!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Jim Dixon Date: 14 May 10 - 09:26 AM Tetris in Hell (cartoon) |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: GUEST,keith A o Hertford Date: 20 May 10 - 10:16 AM Simple Guide To Ireland. Ireland is an island to the west of Britain but Northern Ireland is just off the mainland - not the Irish mainland, the British mainland. The capital of Ireland is Dublin. It has a population of a million people, all of whom will be shopping in Newry this afternoon. They travel to Newry because it is in the North, which is not part of Ireland, but still pay in Euros. Under the Irish constitution, the North used to be in Ireland , but a successful 30-year campaign of violence for Irish unity ensured that it is now definitely in the UK . Had the campaign lasted longer the North might now be in France .Belfast is the capital of Northern Ireland . It has a population of half a million, half of whom have houses in Donegal. Donegal is in the north but not in the North. It is in the South. No, not the south, the South. There are two parliaments in Ireland . The Dublin parliament is called the Dáil, (pronounced "Doyle"), an Irish word meaning a place where banks receive taxpayers' money.The one in Belfast is called Stormont, an Anglo-Saxon word meaning placebo, or deliberately ineffective drug. Their respective jurisdictions are defined by the border, an imaginary line on the map to show fuel launderers where to dump chemical waste. Protestants are in favour of the border, which generates millions of pounds in smuggling for Catholics, who are opposed to it. Travel between the two states is complicated because Ireland is the only country in the world with two M1 motorways. The one in the North goes west to avoid the south and the one in the South goes north to avoid the price of drink. We have two types of democracy in Ireland . Dublin democracy works by holding a referendum and then allowing the government to judge the result. If the government thinks the result is wrong, the referendum is held again. Twice in recent years the government decided thepeople's choice was wrong and ordered a new referendum. Belfast democracy works differently. It has a parliament with no opposition, so the government is always right. This system generates envy in many world capitals, especially Dublin . Ireland has three economies - northern, southern and black. Only the black economy is in the black. The other two are in the red. All versions of the IRA claim to be the real IRA but only one of them is the Real IRA. The North's biggest industry is the production of IRAs. Consequently, we now have the Official,Provisional, Continuity and Real IRA. The Real IRA is by far the most popular among young graffiti writers simply because it is the easiest to spell. |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Raggytash Date: 20 May 10 - 06:11 PM 30 year campaign for unity? Must have been reading the wrong history, thought it was a tad longer than that. |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 21 May 10 - 09:17 AM "Drinking Problem" Harry had a bit of a drinking problem. Every night, after dinner, he took off for the local watering hole. He spent the whole evening there, and arrived home, well inebriated, around midnight each night. He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole, and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out, and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry continued his nightly routine. One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior, and was particularly distraught by it all. The friend listened to her, and then said, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words, and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways." The wife thought it was worth trying. That night, Harry took off again, after dinner. And, about midnight, he arrived home, in his usual condition. His wife heard him at the door, quickly went to it, opened the door, and let Harry in. This time, instead of berating him, as she had always done, she took his arm, and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him, and started to cuddle him a little. After a while, she said to him, "It's pretty late. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don't you?" At that, Harry replied, in his inebriated state, "I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble when I get home anyway!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 23 May 10 - 08:30 PM "Doggy Definitions" LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go. DOG BED: Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room. DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps. SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dog's rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop. This can also be done to human's crotches. GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread. BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away. DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person want them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down. THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels. WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrappers. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home. SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean. BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help them by shaking vigorously and frequently. BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea. GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump doesn't get the attention you require..... especially effective when combined with The Sniff. (See above.) LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, a human will love you in return. If not, you can always sniff their crotches. |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 27 May 10 - 08:57 AM "Why Men Can't Win" If you work too hard, there is never any time for her. If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum. If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better. If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity. If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference. If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're insensitive. If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist pig, you bastard. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman. If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favor. If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob. If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful. If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist. If you're not, you're not ambitious. If she has a headache, she's tired. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore, and you must be sleeping around. |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Bert Date: 27 May 10 - 02:08 PM Uncle DaveO this is supposed to be a JOKE thread. |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Beer Date: 27 May 10 - 07:31 PM This was sent to me today by e-mail and I just had to share it. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UHUjnWVsYc0 Beer(adrien) |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 02 Jun 10 - 09:40 AM "Yugo vs Rolls-Royce" A guy driving a Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. The driver of the Yugo rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got one in my Yugo!" The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, "Yes I have a phone." The driver of the Yugo says, "Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there too? "I've got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!" The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, "Yes, I have a refrigerator." The driver of the Yugo says, "That's great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!" The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says, "Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!" The driver of the Yugo says, "Very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!" Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls- Royce sped away, and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a bed be installed in the back of the Rolls. The next morning, the driver of the Rolls picked up the car, and the bed looked superb, complete with silk sheets and brass trim. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce. So the driver of the Rolls begins searching for the Yugo, and he drove all day. Finally, late at night, he finds the Yugo parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. The driver of the Rolls got out and knocked on the Yugo. When there wasn't any answer, he knocked and knocked, and eventually the owner stuck his head out, soaking wet. "I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly. The driver of the Yugo looked at him and said, "You got me out of the shower for that??" |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 03 Jun 10 - 08:43 AM "Exercise" My first night as a YMCA member I went to the exercise room to try out the stair-step machine. "Shall I set it for ten or twenty minutes?" asked the attendant. "Make it ten," I replied conservatively. After just a few minutes, though, my legs felt like lead. I had had enough. As I stepped off the machine, I limped past some men who were resting from their workouts. "I could take only three minutes on that thing," I gasped. "Okay," snapped one. "Stop bragging about it." |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Joe_F Date: 03 Jun 10 - 08:08 PM Many are born impatient; the lucky ones become cabdrivers. |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Tannywheeler Date: 04 Jun 10 - 10:28 AM From Texas: RICK PERRY. Tw |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Joe_F Date: 04 Jun 10 - 08:44 PM "That is true, but it is not important." "Importance is not important. Truth is." |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: katlaughing Date: 05 Jun 10 - 12:43 AM My friend called to say we no longer need to use charcoal for BBQs and such. Seems BP is marketing "oil balls" now. |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: GUEST Date: 05 Jun 10 - 09:18 AM Paddy and Mick are walking past the Lumber Company and notice a sign..."Tree Fellers Wanted" Paddy says to Mick ,he says..."Jasus Mary and Joseph! If we only had Seamus with us we could get a job!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 07 Jun 10 - 06:27 PM My wife and I went to the state fair and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR' My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ...Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.' We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, ''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR' My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week! ..........You could learn a lot from him.' We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR' My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, 'That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one.' I looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow every time.' My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable, and I should eventually make a full recovery. |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Joe_F Date: 08 Jun 10 - 04:48 PM That story is more often told about Calvin Coolidge & his wife on a tour of a chicken farm. As a result, the phenomenon alluded to (that, among sexually reproducing animals, a male that has been satiated by one female can commonly be aroused again by another female) is called the Coolidge effect. |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 14 Jun 10 - 07:57 PM "The Blonde Secretary" The boss was very exasperated with his new secretary. Among other things, she always ignored the telephone when it rang. "Donna, you must answer the telephone," he told her irritably. "All right," she replied, "but it seems so silly. Nine times out of ten, it's for you!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 15 Jun 10 - 04:04 PM "The Blonde Riddle" A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a National Organization for Women gathering, and his blonde hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease. "Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect whether or not an individual is mentally challenged who appears to be completely normal?" "Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track." "What sort of question?" "Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'" The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example, would you? I must confess I don't know much about history." |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: MGM·Lion Date: 16 Jun 10 - 01:04 PM First joke I was ever told by charming little girl at school at age 5:~~ This lady goes into a pet shop and says to the pet shop man "I want a parrot that talks." The pet shop man says "This parrot talks. Ten shillings please". So the lady gives him ten shillings and takes the parrot home. The lady comes back next day and says "That parrot I bought yesterday doesn't talk." The pet shop man says "Go home and stick a fork up the parrot's bum." So the lady goes home and sticks a fork up the parrot's bum and the parrot says "Who's that sticking a fork up my bum?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 17 Jun 10 - 12:08 PM "Medical Orders for a Serious Injury" On a busy Med/Surg floor the doctor stopped the nurse to brief her on a patient's condition. "This patient is a fellow physician and my favorite golf partner. His injury is serious and I fear he will not be able to play golf again unless you follow my orders exactly." The doctor then began listing orders: "You must give an injection in a different location every twenty minutes followed by a second injection exactly five minutes after the first. "He must take two pills at exactly every hour followed by one pill every fifteen minutes for eight hours. "He must drink no more and no less than ten ounces of water every twenty-five minutes and must void between. "Soak his arm in warm water for fifteen minutes then place ice for ten minutes and repeat over and over for the rest of the day. "Give range of motion every thirty minutes. "He requires a back rub and foot rub every hour. "Feed him something tasty every hour. "Be cheerful and do whatever he asks at all times. "Chart his condition and vital signs every twenty minutes. "You must do these things exactly as I ordered or his injuries will not heal properly, and he will not able to play golf well." The nurse left the doctor and entered the patient's room. She was greeted by anxious family and an equally anxious patient. All asked the nurse what the doctor had said about the patient. The nurse started, "The doctor said that you will live." Then quickly reviewing the orders, the nurse added, "But you will have to learn a new sport." |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 20 Jun 10 - 10:44 AM "Adventures" During one "generation gap" quarrel with his parents young Michael cried, "I want excitement, adventure, money, and beautiful women! I'll never find it here, so I'm leaving. Don't try to stop me." With that he headed toward the door. His father rose and followed him close behind. "Didn't you hear what I said? I don't want you to try to stop me." "Who's trying to stop you?" replied the father. If you wait a minute, I'll go with you." |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 21 Jun 10 - 09:57 AM "Little Johnny and Joshua" The new Pastor decided to visit the children's Sunday School. The teacher introduced him and said, "Pastor, this morning we're studying Joshua." "That's wonderful," said the new Pastor, "Let's see what you're learning. Who tore down the walls of Jericho?" Little Johnny shyly raised hand and offered, "Pastor, I didn't do it." Taken aback the Pastor asked, "Come on, now, who tore down the walls of Jericho?" Teacher, interrupting, said, "Pastor, Little Johnny's a good boy. If he says he didn't do it, I believe he didn't do it." Flustered, the Pastor went to the Sunday School director and related the story to him. The Director looking worried, explained, "Well, sir, we've had some problems with Johnny before. Let me talk to him and see what we can do." Really bothered now, by the answers of the teacher and the director, the new pastor approached the deacons and related the whole story, including the responses of the teacher and the director. A white-haired gentleman thoughtfully stroked his chin and said, "Well, Pastor, I move we just take the money from the general fund to pay for the walls and leave it at that." |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 27 Jun 10 - 03:43 PM "Recommended for Stress Relief" Sit quietly and inhale deeply and slowly through your nose. Exhale slowly. Picture yourself near a stream. Birds are softly chirping in the crisp cool mountain air. Nothing can bother you here. No one knows this secret place. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity. The water is clear. You breathe deeply. You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you're holding under the water. Look. It's the person who caused you all this stress in the first place. What a pleasant surprise. You let him up ... just for a quick breath ... then ploop! ... Back under he goes. You allow yourself to take as many deep breaths as you want. There now ... feeling better? |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: GUEST,ibo Date: 28 Jun 10 - 02:27 PM Polish immigrants? i tried but they still never came up shiney |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Naemanson Date: 28 Jun 10 - 08:12 PM I remember a short story, probably by Arthur C. Clarke, where some researchers fed all the jokes they could find into a computer to analyze the origin and elements of humor. In the end of the story they realize that by knowing what is funny they have banished all humor from the earth. |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 03 Jul 10 - 06:05 PM This first 2010 Joke Thread is too long now. Let's put new jokes in the Second Joke Thread of 2010. |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Jeri Date: 03 Jul 10 - 06:28 PM Can people not figure out how to click the flippin' NUMBER??!! Or the flippin 'd' (for descending)??!!?! |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Georgiansilver Date: 03 Oct 10 - 03:08 AM A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Texas when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?" Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?" The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASApage on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves." "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?" "You're a senator in Obama's Government", says Bud. "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?""No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. ... Now give me back my dog. |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 03 Oct 10 - 10:03 AM I more or less started creating these 'numbered Joke threads' some time ago - and linking them together - there were complaints that 1) people couldn't find the jokes cause they were in all sorts of thread names 2) threads over 100 posts were not liked, but Mudcat can handle that now.... I have been busy lately, and some others took it over informally for a while... |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Peter the Squeezer Date: 05 Apr 11 - 05:40 PM A Scottish couple decided to go to Spain to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Glasgow and flew to Barcelona on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email. Meanwhile, somewhere in Blackpool , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who died following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read: To: My Loving Wife Subject: I've Arrived Date: October 16, 2008 I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that Everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. P.S. Bloody hot down here |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Desert Dancer Date: 05 Apr 11 - 07:00 PM Wrong year, Peter the Squeezer! (for the thread, maybe the joke, too) |
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Subject: RE: BS: 1st Joke Thread of 2010 From: Donuel Date: 05 Apr 11 - 07:03 PM Dangerous Addiction |
