Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival

Subject: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: Peter Kasin
Date: 17 Jul 06 - 04:31 AM

Who's going?

The 1st annual Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival will be held in the old barn at Avon on Calling, the second weekend of December. With such an astonishing lineup of performers, this promises to be one of the finest festivals anywhere. Booked so far are:

LA DERRIERE SOURIANT
High energy kick-ass music from Quebec

THE BOTTLEFIELD BAND
Sideways with Scotland's Pissed

THE INCREDIBLE STRING CHEESE
reunion of this sixties icon band

THE ROYAL PAYNES
The Duke of NumbChester Nigel Payne's family band. Exciting bagpipes, accordion, didgeridoo and hurdy-gurdy.

NATE RUSBY
"Nate" assures us the operation hasn't affected the voice

THE BRACKISH FAMILY
Dublin's famed siblings

GRAVLAX
Loose quartet of regular singers from Norway's Uff Da Folk Club

THE MISKAYT SHIKERS, with guest NIBEKH PUPIK, clarinet
Old-world Klezmer music from Iceland

THE HARLOW GLOBETROTTERS

SHONA LIGHT

THE CHEFTAINS
Irish music and great food

Workshops:
Sea Songs of Tibet and Hungary

Children's Concert of favorite Murder Ballads

Flood relief benefit Concert, with THE HIGH LEVEL RANTERS, THE WATERSONS

Evening hootenanny at the Owl and Goat Pub

Camping available: contact Yosemite National Park. No camping at this festival, though.


Did I miss any performers? Feel free to list any acts I left out.

Chanteyranger

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: Mr Happy
Date: 17 Jul 06 - 05:36 AM

On-site food from Cor! & Most Cholesterol Catering Co.

MENU:

Lard Burgers £2.50

Bacon Butties with extra grease. £2.00

Bacon & egg binlid drizzled with vintage saturated fats. £3.50

Sausage batch drenched with greasy stewed onions. £2.00

Minty lamb greaseburgers with extra polos. £3.50

Cone of oily Chips with extra hard bits you can't eat. Only £1.99

Extra portions of Suet. 99p

Garnish & dips include:

Tomato with added chemicals & sugar plus loads of salt.

Mustard containing carcinogenic dyes.

Brown sauce with added chemicals & sugar plus loads of salt.


Beverages:

Tea. 90p

Coffee. £1.20

Hot drinks served in flimsy plastic cups, guaranteed to burn your fingers, and flexible enough to spill most of it as you push your way through the crowd.


Cans. With piles of 'E's, sugar, preservatives, & additional aspartame. Only 99p.


CMCCC welcome singers & musicians to have late nite sessions in their tent, especially unaccompanied drunken bawling lengthy dirges at the tops of their voices.

Audiences must make lots of noise while people are performing.

Customers must buy lots of 'food' & drop bits over musicians on way back.

Alcohol-fuelled staggering about is also encouraged, likewise inane shouting.

Vomiting should only be undertaken in the designated area.

The volume of sound should be enough to awaken the whole campsite & entice more punters to partake of our intriguing services!

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 17 Jul 06 - 08:02 AM

Undrikable beer, served warm, short measured in a plastic beaker, oh I forgot Sam Smiths do this already.

eric

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: The Barden of England
Date: 17 Jul 06 - 08:33 AM

'Cheese Nose' will be serving a new vegetarian menu made from free range, organic vegans. All will be served on a bed of Rocket (fuel), Titanic Iceberg Lettuce, Green onions, Booker T, Horsefly raddish and a generous helping of dew drenched cooch grass. Several herbal teas will be on offer such as calomine, turpentine and of course the ever popular tea tree tea.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: Mr Happy
Date: 17 Jul 06 - 09:31 AM

Indoor camping will be available on a 1st come, last served basis, and will be facilitated in the local odd fellows hall.

The hall is only a stone쳌fs throw from the main site, across the river.

The nearest bridge is a mere 15 miles away, but a ferryman will be on hand to assist swimmers.

Indoor camping rules:

Rubber hammers will be supplied to assist campers to bang their pegs into handy holes.

All holes must be filled after the tents have been taken down.

Showers provided on an ad hoc basis.

Local odd fellows will stand by in the ladies.

Smoking:

Local odd fellows will strictly enforce the smoking rules, as it is only permitted inside and outside the premises.

Disabled access to the upstairs dormitories & wheelchair toilets can be gained via the grain hoist to the rear of the main building.

Stewards will be happy to operate the block & tackle winch at a small fee of only 99p per person per trip.

For those needing special help at night, several buckets will be placed at strategic intervals around the stairways.

There is a local shop adjacent to the hall but it is only for local people.

Barbecues:

These can be accommodated, but please bring your own bricks, as the premises is listed.

Evidence of its listing can be seen from the Acro-props holding up the main wall of the east wing.

Water supply:

Some stirrup pumps are provided for anyone needing water.

Just go down to the river & help yourself!

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: Mr Happy
Date: 17 Jul 06 - 10:07 AM

Festival fringe programme:

Ethno- roots music session every morning 5am- 7.30am in the stables, led by Rustic Roy & the Oddfellows.

Celtic thrash featuring Domhail N쳌fhmhahohum ag Padraig O쳌fFulohimself.

Workshops:

Cooking for Omnivores.

How to weave dollies in interesting & novel positions.

Make your own kazoo.

101 things a child can do with a toilet roll.

Learn Morris Dancing the Blitherscrum way, includes how to procure & carve your own stave!

Alcohol workshop: How to drink sensibly every day & night!



Scottish country dancing:

reels, sword dance, & Highland Fling [please bring own wellies]



Other attractions:

Have a ride on the authentic mediaeval ducking stool!

Guided tour of the local landmarks. [Local people only]

Guides also available for other extra mural activities.

Traditional crafts, including banana embalming, bras rubbing [a favourite of the oddfellows!], banjo & bodrhan skinning [Stanley knives provided] ,

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: GUEST,cardboard cutout
Date: 17 Jul 06 - 12:42 PM

Presumably there will be the usual singalong turnip roast, as it appears to be organised by the same people as do brampton-folk-festival (the real one not the pretend one in Cumbria)
Can't do blue clicky things, but have a look at :-
www.brampton-bugle.co.uk/brampton-folk-festival

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 17 Jul 06 - 01:14 PM

This is actually the second Blitherscum FF but obviously no-one wishes to remember the first.
Two children drowned whilst partaking in the trout tickling workshop.
Three men had heart attacks from over indulgence with the high cholestrol food. One of the wives died of shock.
The marquee burnt down due to the 'Smoking' rule (ie everyone had to smoke in the marquee).
Several people had their rear ends bitten by the sewer rats which hid round the bends of the temporary toilets and only came out for a nibble.
Many people were injured whilst others were checking to see if the main hall really was only a stones throw away.
Such was the demand for bodhrans that several were stolen..(another theory was that they were destroyed when the marquee burnt down..but how they got there from the other side of the river in time for the fire is anyones guess)
Two people are still suffering from epizootic lymphangitis after stroking the cows which were wandering in the indoor camping site.
Five others also have the disease after bathing in the cows milk.
There were other things which marred last years festival but I can't remember them all can I?

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: Mr Happy
Date: 17 Jul 06 - 05:29 PM

Other guests invited to appear:

Donovan Zimmerman & Bob Leitch.

60쳌fs superstars with hits such as 쳌eCatch a cold쳌f,
쳌eBlowin쳌f in the draught쳌f, & 쳌e Hey Mr. Dylan won쳌ft you plagiarise a song for me쳌f

Acclaimed Local singer songwriter Wailon Glum.

Unusual guitar technique, using spherical picks and woollen strings.

Sundown sword dancers. Perform only after dusk. Infra red goggles can be hired.

The Blitherscrum Mountain Boys: hillbilly music & abseiling.

The Blues Brother: Dan Ackroyd쳌fs one man show!!

Morris Sides:

Cape Wrath Itinerants.

Cherry Blossom Rapper [Black face]

Cotswold Cobblers: Mixed borderline.

Manchester United Mummers: 5 a side traditional plays.

Merrie Olde Englishmen: travelling drinking club for elderly alcoholics. They always guarantee a staggering display!

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: Mr Happy
Date: 18 Jul 06 - 09:57 AM

The free festival bus will take seasoned ticket holders to & from venues.

The journey to the village takes about 5 ½ hours.

The bus stop near the camping field is situated next to the swill bins and skips.

The bus leaves at regular intervals at random times of the day.

The stops include:

1.        Ye Olde Oddfellows Arms: sessions & sinarounds.

2.        The New Oddfellows Arms: open mike – pump up the volume!!


3.        Oddfellow's Wine Bar: serious English music only, no singing or smiling.

4.        Oddfella's Pizza Parlour: Dine while being serenaded by authentic learners of Italian as a 2nd language, practicing their arias; using the Linguaphone Method.

5.        Blitherscrum Community Centre: Craft Fair & Coracle making workshop- a must do!

6.        Blitherscrum Sports Centre: Ceilidhs, morning, noon, & night.

Featuring the Len Miller Hot Three & Blitherscrum Jazzmen.

7.        The Odd Triangle Irish Bar: Celtic session- belt out diddley diddleys as fast & loud as possible!

8.        Blitherscrum Legless Ex-Servicemen's Club: plain song with the Hellback Chorus.

9.        Blitherscrum British Legion: Dreary Song Folk Club – get yourself put down for a spot!

10.        Blitherscrum Curry Mile: Indians, Chinese, Balti's galore!

The bus will terminate at stop No. 10 at approximately 3 a.m.

Festival goers are free to make their own way back to the main site.

Taxi's: none in immediate area, but you can order one from Oddcabs, a mere hour's walk away in picturesque Nether Blitherscrum.

Alternatively, environmentally fiendly transport can be hired from Wing Chang Loo's Rent-a-Rickshaw & Bicycle Ltd. Competitive rates guaranteed!
For those in a hurry, WC Loo's also hires out Pedalo's for that rapid river crossing!
Persons wishing to hire these must bring a vehicle & boat trailer.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: Geoff the Duck
Date: 18 Jul 06 - 11:13 AM

Ticket holders must remember that if they wish to be seasoned, they must attend the early arrivals workshop at the Salton Pepper Mill on Shaker Street.

Those wishing to us Wing Chang's loo must buy the extra armband. These are only availably with a medical certificate stating that the extra arm is a permanent addition and not just a prosthesis.

Quack!
GtD.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 18 Jul 06 - 04:08 PM

This years event may be attended by BOB DYLON(don't forget to add the salt).....a colourful character whose songs may be blowing in the wind and may go down like a rollin' stone.
Let me assure you that this really is the Folk event of the year......not sure which year but........Whoever comes to this event is assured of a great time whether they be a Catholic, a hindu, an atheist, a jain, a buddhist or a Baptist or a Jew and who knows he shouldn't kill but he knows he always will, killin' for me my friend and me for you....oops got carried away there.
Anyway...down by the Sally Gardens there are many young girls with little snow white feet who are pretty clever. There are many men who given half the chance will steal away your thyme. There is also Suzanne who will take your hand and lead you to the river....she wears rags and feathers that come from Salvation Army counters.
There is a lass whose eyes shine like diamonds and they call her the queen of the land...and her hair hangs over her shoulders, tied up with a black velvet band.
Just remembered from last year...'It was Willie what got drownded in the deep blue sea'
So have I helped you make the decision to come this year???

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: Peter Kasin
Date: 19 Jul 06 - 02:20 AM

Thank you all for posting details about the food, fringe, etc. I just got word that some more performers have been snookered...uh...booked into fest:

ROOKER SNEAD AND HIS CHARTREUSE POODLES OF INFAMY
Great novelty act from Antartica

RACHEL WINTERSET AND THE UNTHANKED

SIMON AND GARBUT
Mr. Nicol and Vin have teamed up

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: The Barden of England
Date: 19 Jul 06 - 05:19 AM

LAST NIGHTS CURRY will be making an unscheduled appearance with their big hit 'I woke up with a burning ring of fire' along with a support (or is that truss) from SHOW OF GLANDS who will sing a chorus of 'Colombus didn't find Africa!'

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: GUEST,old git
Date: 19 Jul 06 - 05:47 AM

Doyley Part-Time has offered to turn up and give a rendition of her famous Impotence song "Long time have I been waiting for the coming of my love"

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: GUEST
Date: 19 Jul 06 - 11:01 AM

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: GUEST,towel
Date: 19 Jul 06 - 12:28 PM

I met the founder of the Blitherscrum Folk Festival once, an old Cornish dog with who played squeeze with a lot of mustard.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 19 Jul 06 - 03:11 PM

If you require PA equipment then please contact Carrie & Oakey who are always willing to oblige...as well as providing PA equipment.
Folding chairs are available but at your own risk as two people lost fingers and one man....well...he lost his.....shall we say thumb last year when they prematurely folded after use.
Homosexuals can put umbrellas up but not open them.
There is no colour prejudice at Blitherscrum...you may use whatever coloured instrument you wish. Health and safety is a priority and that is why you are advised not to attend this year unless you have to.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: Elmer Fudd
Date: 19 Jul 06 - 03:18 PM

Roots music with family members Ginger, Beet, and Roto, following a seminar on the seeds of ethnomusicology in ethnobotany.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: Mr Happy
Date: 19 Jul 06 - 08:14 PM

Children's Entertainers: Ages 0 - 10

Jim's Blackboard Hot Air Balloon:

See your kids off on a trip in Jim's airship; you'll likely never see 'em again!

A must for all mums & dads – peace at last!!

1st Blitherscum Scouts: Knots & Ropework- will keep the little ones tied up for hours!

Professor Moonshine's Medicine Show: let your youngsters learn how to mix that extra special cocktail, then drink it. Keep them quiet all day! [and night-or for whole duration of the festival- if you're lucky!]

Face Painting & Cross Dressing with Natalie & Fifi.


Dr.Fu Manchu's Oriental Circus:

Kids can learn to juggle unicycles & do tightrope walking over the Blitherscum gorge on the famous River Avon.



Porta Potty Maintenance with Wing Chang Loo.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 20 Jul 06 - 03:06 AM

I thought this years Potty maintenance was being done by
Twoloos Lautrec!

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: GUEST,old git
Date: 20 Jul 06 - 05:43 AM

re my last post
had a message from GUEST Animal Lover ... it should of course have read "the coming of my deer"

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: Mr Happy
Date: 20 Jul 06 - 11:21 AM

Sunday services for religious maniacs.

Our Lady of the Holy Moly Sikh Temple.

Veggie burgers on sale really cheap!



Tabernacle of the Trembling Brethren of Latter Day Sinners. .

Join them for evensong in traditional hymns such as 쳌eImagine쳌f & 쳌ePlastic Jesus쳌f & afterwards Bible Study with refreshments including Irish coffee & brandy snaps.



Interdenominational Friendship Service

At St. Abraham쳌fs Buddhist Baptist Mosque. .

Led by Rabbi Burns & featuring the Avon on Calling Ladies Male Voice Choir.

Pastor Finbar O쳌fLevy will later lead the whole congregation down to the river to pray & study all about the good old way.

St. Patrick쳌fs Presbyterian Synagogue

Saturday night live!

With the Joystrings!

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: Peter Kasin
Date: 21 Jul 06 - 12:54 AM

As news of this new and exiting...er...exciting festival spreads, some legendary folk icons have signed on:

PEAT MOSSER, one of the original Alcatraz Singers, and later of The Wheatthins, world-reknowned for his work on behalf of pollution, still singing and playing his patented 5-string oboe.

VELVEETTA
Soulful, heartfelt, sincere songs, with a powerful voice, a tremendous stage presence, and an unostentatious, unfettered, superfluous, unmitigated multi-rendered, many-textured circumferensive emulsiontive centrifically emonizingly unsaturated pelsifier.

LOO KILTMEN
Leading light from Gatemouth-On-Pittsburgh, leading a workshop on "Songs from the Ship's Head"

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: GUEST,Mingulay at work
Date: 21 Jul 06 - 08:30 AM

LATE NEWS!!!!!!!

Sunday afternoon's GERBIL SMOKING FOR BEGINNERS will be cancelled unless non-smoking gerbils can be found of a legal age.

BONECRUSHER'S tent can now be found in Block C, Row 4. Can someone please ask him to retreive it as it is covering the latrine pit.

PARKANRIDE TO BIGGLESWADE, the story in song of Bedfordshire mud sculpting, will now take place in Sheepfondle Gardens. If wet, it will adjourn to the vicarage tool shed.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 21 Jul 06 - 09:03 AM

For those of you coming via Wales. When you pass through the villages and you see a sheep tethered to the village name sign....please do not worry, you are passing the village leisure centre.
Accompanying the gerbil smoking will be a gerbil swallowing workshop led by the one and only Freddie Starr.
Plese make sure you keep a vigilant eye for the 'Blitherscum' sign when you are getting near your destination. It is rumoured that some have ended up in 'Brigadoon' instead and never returned.
If you are still deciding whether or not to come, let me help you decide....Don't be put off by any of the positive comments in this thread! Don't worry about meeting your girlfriends husband there as he is not going. Don't worry about the high cholestrol food if you are a vegetarian....we have our own delicacy which consists of carrots, turnips, parsnips and celery...delicious eh? all deep fried in dripping and served with any meat of your choice.
Also although all the camper van tyres were slashed during the night last year, we do not expect a repeat this year as the hospital is next door to the campsite and the hospital have guard dogs 'operating'

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: GUEST,Mingulay at work
Date: 21 Jul 06 - 09:22 AM

FURTHER TRAVEL UPDATE. For those travelling by whales please use the outside berths nearest the harbour entrance.


CLASSIFIED ADVERTISEMENTS

For new, remoulded and part-worn tyres
why not visit David Unlop Limited of
45/46 Cringing Way, Neerdowell Ind. Est,
Phone Blitherscrum 7

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 21 Jul 06 - 11:22 AM

I have to say I have had much fun on this thread. Great thanks to Chanteyranger for starting it off. Questionable as to whether it should have been BS rather than music but some cracking (or cracked) musicians appearing eh? Keep it going folks...it really is fun and tests your inventiveness.
Best wishes, Mike.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: GUEST,Mingulay at work
Date: 21 Jul 06 - 11:38 AM

EVEN HOTTER NEWS

Well known folk person EDWARD IAN PEWTER to make special guest appearance declaring the Festival open at 3.00pm on Thursday the Umpteenth and welcoming delegates to the 193rd Annual Convention of the 1812 Society which is being held in the MARVIN CATTY Junior School bicycle shed.

It is hoped that Marvin himself will be able to accompany the opening speech on his ukelele. Although, as he himself says "tuning this thing's a bugger".

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: Rasener
Date: 21 Jul 06 - 12:40 PM

Last minute news

Whan King is coming

R Soul is bringing his bum band as usual



Recommended on the food menu

Tam Pon when in season covered in a delicate sauce with vinegar but no chips

Pea & Carrot Sick Soup is freshly made from previous nights collections and sieved to ensure cigarette butts and other excrement are excluded.

Unfortunately Spotted Dick will not be served, as the antibiotics worked and is now FFI.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 21 Jul 06 - 06:56 PM

That's supposed to be Juan King Les, who I might add seems to be around at a lot of festivals..

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: leeneia
Date: 21 Jul 06 - 11:16 PM

Oh, how I wish I could be there! Love the acts!

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: Peter Kasin
Date: 22 Jul 06 - 12:01 AM

Leeneia, I'm flying in to the festival on American Express next day delivery. What time should I pick you up?

Chanteyranger

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 22 Jul 06 - 04:46 AM

Understand there have been problems with the transport. The bus has broken down and is not repairable so the onus for providing transport has fallen on the yokels...sorry locals. Peter Piper who grows and picks pecks of pickled pepper will be bringing his herd of Llamas to which he will fit temporary saddles. Donkeys from Hee Hore Grange Donkey Sanctuary have some old donkeys which are still capable of carrying guests. Farmer Ara bull(a man outstanding in his field) has a tractor and trailor but says he will have to charge at least £5 per person for the 1 mile trip as diesel fuel has risen in price. To avail yourself of the transport, please wait on the bus stops in the normal manner.
There has been a recent reported sighting of a black panther on the outskirts of Blitherscrum and it is suggested that you bring a stick with a horses head handle to poke it if it comes near you.
You may notice that The Old Barn at Avon on calling will have had a coat of paint just before your arrival at the event. The sign 'WET PAINT' is a warning not an instruction to the gentlemen who come. This brings me to a serious complaint that was made last year about a beautifully voluptuous female on the campsite who was apparently taking her clothes off outside the tent. To the women who complained:- you will get nowhere with your complaints, much like last year, as the men do not find this kind of behaviour offensive...and if you have trouble keeping your husband/partner on a leash, that's your problem not ours. It is however requested that the men who accompanied the taking off of her clothes, with kazoo music, should desist this year as it disturbs the children who are trying to sleep.
Women shouting at husbands/partners also has that effect.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: Rasener
Date: 22 Jul 06 - 05:09 AM

A new pole dancing competition will be introduced this year.

There will be a workshop so that everybody can see how its done first. This is open to men and women, although it is aimed at the younger age group of 16 to 25.

There will also be a "Semen Tent" where men can donate there sperm so that folk clones can be developed. There will be a wooden wall in the tent called the "Tooley Wall", where one can select the best suited sperm hole to make ones deposit. for those that cannot find a suitable hole, there will be assistants available called hand jobbers.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: GUEST,old git
Date: 22 Jul 06 - 05:53 AM

the Pole dancing competition has had to be cancelled
Jan Woysckx could not get the necessary visa

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: Rasener
Date: 22 Jul 06 - 06:01 AM

Boooo

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: GUEST,old git
Date: 22 Jul 06 - 06:04 AM

late edition to the bill
That infamous shanty group THE FARTING ROARIES will give a performance of Blow the man down...with special effects.

The maritime session will also be graced by THE KEEL-OVERS who will sing about rum sodomy and the lash (we would like to point out that this is NOT an interactive workshop)

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: Peter Kasin
Date: 22 Jul 06 - 10:11 AM

Great to see that The Keel-Overs will be there. Danny McLout, George Armytank, Peter Chunderwood, "Stout"Jim McGuinness, and Asahi Fitzsnippets are favorites of mine. Thanks for the news, old git.

When did you get wind of the Roaries arrival? It's good to see them get a break.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: GUEST,Mingulay (somewhere)
Date: 22 Jul 06 - 12:01 PM

News from abroad - the well know antipodean group led by Dick and Sid Staines will be appearing at the singarounds held in the Badgers Bottom Bar (Lower Muck).

Yes. it's the first time here for the DOWN UNDER STAINES. Songs, dances and didgeridoo fingering par excellence.

Melbourne Star - The Dingo's Bollocks, a must see.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: Rasener
Date: 22 Jul 06 - 12:08 PM

Is Betty Swollocks on the pongo drums?

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 22 Jul 06 - 02:31 PM

Betty Swollocks is coming from Upper Ramsbottom I hear. Wind instrument I understand for Betty.
I have heard that the 'Schitzophrenics' are playing a spot this year if he can get to the venue.
Last year I was asked to give a talk on sex to the adult attenders in the Under Milkwood Barn. When I got there, the MC said they were running late and could I make my talk as short as possible? I agreed and when the time came, I stood up and said.."Ladies and Gentlemen, It gives me great pleasure" and sat down again. Really went down well.
This years festival co-incides with the scarecrow festival again and I would suggest you don't stand still too long unless you want all and sundry taking photos of you.
It is now getting close to the Festival so I must wish you all the best of luck.   So 'Best of luck to you all'

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: GUEST,old git
Date: 23 Jul 06 - 04:59 AM

There was to be a talk from Cecil Sharp Pencil but unfortunately he is no longer with us....apparently he met with a violent death when gathering nuts in May

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: Geordie-Peorgie
Date: 23 Jul 06 - 01:38 PM

Is there any chance that the craft Fair will have those Geordie 'folk jewellers "The High Level Ratners"

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: Rasener
Date: 23 Jul 06 - 01:55 PM

Excellent workshop coming up.

Learn to play the Spatula

Oakley and the Humber Whelks will be running this workshop

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: Elmer Fudd
Date: 23 Jul 06 - 03:08 PM

Great news! The twins, Sassafras and Grass, will be added to the Roots Music ensemble.

And don't forget about the square dancing in the town square, the line dancing at the county line, tap dancing in the pub (next to the taps), and Morris dancing on top of that obnoxious orange cat.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: Peter Kasin
Date: 23 Jul 06 - 08:11 PM

Next to last day there'll be an afternoon tea concert with Nic Scones, McCormick Lipton, and a special appearance by Steeleye Spam.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: Little Hawk
Date: 23 Jul 06 - 08:58 PM

Wow. This is an event not to be missed by anyone who is a folk aficionado or who has failed their last breathylizer test. How fondly I recall the last few times I attended Blitherscrum, not to mention the time I participated in the closing singalong of "Dead Skink in the Middle of the Road/Achy Breaky Heart" medley. It was unforgettable.

No, wait...

That was the Blind River country-rockabilly-folk festival in '92.

Well, I'm sure Blitherscrum will still be great anyway. Be there or be coherent!

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: Little Hawk
Date: 23 Jul 06 - 11:53 PM

One often sees dead skinks in that neck of the woods. They like sunning themselves on the blacktop in the morning and...VOOMP!...another innocent skink run over by an 18-wheeler. It's a sad business. They don't stink the ways skunks do, so people tend not to notice. That's why the song was written, so that people WILL take notice. It's a protest song.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 24 Jul 06 - 02:16 AM

I would like to help with directions for getting to the festival, which is now very imminent, but much as I loved geography at school.. my geographical knowledge is not great as I could never find the classroom!. Perhaps someone with great geographical knowledge (National Geographic Mag or similar) can produce a map of the area. All I can tell you is...if you are approcahing from the North, you may be best to head South, or from the East, to head West and vice versa. Blitherscrum is a small village so please if you are speeding, don't blink or you may miss it, or worse still, hit one of the festival scarecrows which just happens in the way. If you plan on joining in the last night of the Blitherscrum Folk proms with comb and tissue, please bring your own (harder, crisper) tissue as we only have the type that your fingers go through at inopportune times. Please do not put the harder type tissues down the toilets as it gets stuck and its not just a flash in the pan when it does..it drives the organisers round the bend.
Campers need not bring their own water supplies this year as there is now a tap on site and all water has been passed by the management team.
Enjoy the festival Folks.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: GUEST,Mingulay at work
Date: 24 Jul 06 - 03:54 AM

Turned up for the breakfast sing and bacon burning demonstration by the local Scout Group to find the field deserted. Apparently the ketchup tanker on loan from Eddy Baker Farm Equipment had gone faulty and covered most of the area. Ketchup lovers have been drafted in and reckon they'll have the place licked clean by Wednesday.

MORE TRAVEL NEWS

Penny farthing users are warned to avoid Spitoon Lane due to low overhanging branches in neighbouring woodland.

In the same woodland, people say they have seen something that appears to be half human/half ape and half cut. Said a leading light in the EFDSS "that'll be a folkie then".

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 24 Jul 06 - 05:44 AM

Eddy Bakers Ketchup...great!

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: GUEST,old git
Date: 24 Jul 06 - 06:34 AM

We have been asked to point out that the thong workshop advertised in the programme is a printing error caused by a crackling phone line and the slight speech impediment of one of the organizers.

On careful reflection the committee have decided to let it stand as per the programme...so please be ready with your gems such as "With a thong in my ar*e" or "Annie's thong"

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: GUEST,Mingulay at work
Date: 24 Jul 06 - 06:42 AM

Yes Mike, it's completely organic!!!

MORE NEWS

Due to the heat this afternoon's display of Womb Charming by the Blitherscrum W.I. has been moved to Pesci Brothers Ice Cream factory (the only fish flavoured ice cream in the world - beloved of Inuit everywhere).

In the craft tent, Ambridge Funt will be giving a demonstration of woggle carving using locally felled meach (otherwise known as mingewood owing to its peculiar smell). Bring your own breathing equipment.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 24 Jul 06 - 09:04 AM

Sad to say the special 'guest' we had planned for today (not the one who frequently appears in wicked guise on the Mudcat)has not turned up but I can tell you it was Tam Paxton who is the 'in' thing at the moment with the women.
John Barleycorns real ale will be on sale after all, John has now become a man and grown a long beard for the festival. His ale is nutbrown and beats brandy hands down.
An independent food seller turned up today and offered us a large amount of money for funds so we are letting him sell his hedgehog burgers, snail vol-au-vents, ostrich neck rock, kangaroo steaks (if he can keep them on the barbie) and I believe he is serving elephant as a delicacy (Jumbo sausages). The festival is really going well and advertising it like this on mudcat has brought people from over The Globe (which is the pub in the next village). Having a great time and wish you were all here.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: GUEST,Mingulay at work
Date: 24 Jul 06 - 09:34 AM

BLITHERSCRUM DAILY RANT
Monday 24th July 2006
From our roving reporter Dennis Buss













sorry, it seems that Dennis not only forgot to put batteries into his dictaphone but broke his pencil as well.

In the meantime we are proud to bring you the whistling talents of Justin Toone with a track from his latest CD, "Plain Puckered Man", this is a little number called The Wrong Cycle. Take it away Justin.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: GUEST
Date: 24 Jul 06 - 10:37 AM

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: GUEST,Mingulay at work
Date: 24 Jul 06 - 10:45 AM

Welcome Guest.

Please show your ticket to the door steward on the way in.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: GUEST,Rob Henderson
Date: 24 Jul 06 - 11:42 AM

The "How to play the Spatula" workshop has been cancelled due to a double booking at Blitherscum Town Hall, but you are welcome to join in with the Blitherscrum Debate Club.

Todays Topic:

As we all know it is a fact that buttered toast will always land butter side down when dropped.
We all also know that a cat always lands on its feet.

What will happen when we tie the piece of toast to the cats back butterside up?



Proffessor S. Hawkings of Blitherscrum has infact stated a warning that this will cause a paradox that will create a small black hole approximatley 3 inches from the ground that will actually be enough to swallow the whole town. He has since packed his bags and moved to America stating that they are all idiots.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: GUEST
Date: 24 Jul 06 - 11:59 AM

can't figure out how Georgiansilver has managed to bring December to July...I know this government are intent on changing everything..but have I missed something here?

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: Rasener
Date: 24 Jul 06 - 12:11 PM

No GeorgianSilver has been in that Blue telephone box again with Dr Who. I think he has been Daleked.

Fartin Martin will be there tomorrow, doing a workshop on how to be an arsehole flame thrower - Percy might be there as well.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 24 Jul 06 - 01:11 PM

Sorry Guest but Third week in July has been the Festival last year and this year..it is now in progress if you wish to attend. I'm sure someone of your astuteness would be welcome, especially as we are short of stewards. Bert died of chicken pox, Mary got pregnant, Sal committed suicide (when she heard there would be a second festival) and Richard fell off his horse, broke his neck and is still in intensive care. The last day of the seven day festival will be Saturday 29th July. It is in full swing and the singaround has been the highlight so far but there are so many attenders we are only half way round and still have a third to go.. Having a 'Mudgather' tomorrow in the bog next to the river...everybody loves mud don't they.
Todays topic at Blitherscrum debate club has been on cats and toast. Geese can fly 47 times further in formation than singly, by changing places frequently and slipstreaming. Someone pointed out that cyclists have been doing this for many years..so tomorrows debate or discussion will be about the potential of geese on bicycles. Hope you can all make it in time (try slipstreaming..it's good)

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: Folkiedave
Date: 24 Jul 06 - 01:34 PM

Some warnings for people.

Don't ignore warnings. If someone tells you to beware of Long Lankin, friggin' beware of him. If someone tells you not to go by Carterhaugh, stay away. Same goes for your mother asking you not to go out hunting on a particular day. Portents about weather, particularly when delivered by an old sailor who is not currently chatting up a country maid, are always worth heeding.

If someone says that he's planning to kill you, believe him.

If someone says he's going to die, believe him.

Avoid navigable waterways. Don't let yourself be talked into going down by the wild rippling water, the wan water, the salt sea shore, the strand, the lowlands low, the Burning Thames, and any area where the grass grows green on the banks of some pool. Cliffs overlooking navigable waterways aren't safe either.

Broom, as in the plant, should be given a wide berth.

Stay away from the greenwood side, too.

Avoid situations where the obvious rhyme-word is "maidenhead."

There will be a "Macrame Your Cat Hair" worshop straight after the Tea Chai workshop. Remember your cat.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: old git
Date: 24 Jul 06 - 06:41 PM

don't just avoid Maidenhead..avoid the rest of Kent as well..or is that just Men of Kent or Kentish Men...I'm having a senior moment!!

Blackwaterside is another no no.....and resist any one who wants to play ball..(no that's not the same as gathering nuts in May!!).... and at the Olde Chippe Shoppe DON'T have mermaid and chips.

By the way Georgiansilver I tried Stripsteaming and I've gone a nasty shade of red

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 24 Jul 06 - 06:43 PM

Jet planes are not good to slipstream old git!!

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: Folkiedave
Date: 24 Jul 06 - 07:18 PM

Sailors' Workshop. Especialy for those of you thinking of listing for a sailor

Abstract......

New York Girls, like Liverpool Judies, like the ladies of Limehouse, Yarmouth, Portsmouth, Gosport, and/or Baltimore, know how to show sailors a good time, if by "good time" you mean losing all your money, your clothes, and your dignity. Note: All of these places are near navigable waterways. In practical terms this means that if you're a sailor you're screwed (and so are any young ladies you happen to meet). See also: Great Pox; Doleful Ghost.

There will be time for questions.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 25 Jul 06 - 03:04 AM

If you can make it today, here are some of the songs being performed:-

The Streets of Blitherscrum...Ralph Patel.
Catch the Wind...The Petomanes.
Daddy Fox...The Hunters.
Mountain Dew...The Correys.
Wild Rover...The Dogcatchers.
Seven Drunken nights...The Piss artists.(also singing Whisky in the Jar).
If I were a rich man...The tramps.
Both sides now..The schitzos.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: GUEST,Mingulay at work
Date: 25 Jul 06 - 04:12 AM

Just a note to clarify the festival dates. It's always the third week in July unless the fifth Saturday falls on the second Tuersday in October when it does, of course, revert to the Monday after Candlemass. It's all clearly set out in Appendix A(2)(c) of the 1821 Festivals (Moveable) Folk & Other Strange Events Order, which was later incorporated into the Cartwheel Rim Width Act 1901.

Careful reading and very liberal translation of these papers proves that references to Christmas are, in fact, perfectly justified and, in fact, more or less demanded by law. See REGINA -v- ORIFICE. L.T. (1954) QBD 73.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: GUEST,Rob Henderson
Date: 25 Jul 06 - 07:01 AM

You forgot to mention that on leap years the festival will be held at the end of february and split in two to leave room for the traditional Pancake day dip where locals strip naked and use hot pancakes to conceil their intimate parts then all jump into the sea off the Blitherscrum Pier.
There is a high fatality rate for this event especially after the pier collapsed a few years back and they managed to recruit Bob the Builder to repair it (who turned out to be a escaped patient from the local asylum)and fit an additional rolercoaster on it.
These days they like to call it "Dead mans jump" altho Derek the village idiot can be found riding it most days, but thats only cos a steal beam took of his head last year and they cant stop the car to get his body out.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: Paul Burke
Date: 25 Jul 06 - 08:22 AM

Some late news:

There will be a C&W session at the Teetotaller's Arms. Parking for partons only. Guest beer Charles Wells Fargo.

Children's entertainment with an exciting mediaeval theme by Gilles de Rais on Saturday. He really keeps them abused!

Rapper display with Killa Priest and Snoop Dogg at the Blitherscrum Foreign Legion Club.

Clog workshop Sunday with Dial-a-Rod.

Saturday night's Irish session at the Orange Lodge will be led by Dozy Donnelly and Mahatma Loy. Free skip in the car park for your bodhrans, banjos etc. Guinness one for the price of two.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: GUEST,Mingulay at work
Date: 25 Jul 06 - 08:33 AM

Ah, but, Gueat Rob you are also forgetting that leap year only falls in February when there is a day in the month beginning with R. Otherwise blackberrying can't start until after the second monsoon when Juicyfruit is aligned with Mars. Thus it was written in the Book of Krills by the Venereal Breed, and it must be true because he read it in the Readers Digestive.

BREAKING NEWS

Quimbert Todge, brother of Derek the idiot, has formally inherited the mantle of village idiot. It was bestowed on him, posthumously, after his abortive attemp to stop the roller coaster by throwing himself on the tracks. The tracks in question formed part of the East Coast mainline and the driver of the 125 could not stop in time, saying that he was distracted by a vision hovering over the nudist camp.

Derek the idiot continues his rollercoaster ride. He is now on trip 9,852 and plans are afoot to celebrate the 10,000 mark. Ride owner, Lumby Smiff, is planning the presentation of a specially illuminated invoice complete with joined up writing.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: old git
Date: 25 Jul 06 - 08:36 AM

Saturday afternoon workshop "How to get the beat out of your bodhran"
Stanley knives will be provided

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: old git
Date: 25 Jul 06 - 08:38 AM

sorry...should have said "best"...but then...!!!??

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: GUEST,Mingulay at work
Date: 25 Jul 06 - 10:58 AM

Hordes of bodhrans carrying human skinned drums have been spotted by an AA patrolman crossing Tidgy Lane (the bodhrans that is, the patrol man was sitting in his van having his scran at the time). "It fair made my hair stand on end" said shaven headed Wilbert Tonks (24) of Magpuss Grove, Upton Ogood. "There must have been 5 or 6 of them, making an unholy racket they were" added Mr Tonks.

Noted percussionologist Mary O'Bang (38 20 34) said she was nor surprised at the sighting as a number had been illegally released into the wild by activists and were obviously mating.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 25 Jul 06 - 11:24 AM

Bob the Builder (escaped from the asylum, as mentioned above by Guest Rob Henderson), had conned his way into getting the repair work whilst on the run! He had escaped from the asylum, run into the Blitherscrum Laundrette, raped three women and run off. The Newspaper headline in the Blitherscrum Chronicle was "Nut screws washers and bolts".

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: GUEST,Rob Henderson
Date: 25 Jul 06 - 12:22 PM

Also from the same paper a few other stories from Blitherscrum caught my eye:

"OWNER OF PUPPIES MAKES A HOLE IN ONE"

This is obviously to do with the recent golf tournament, which was won by the towns german shepard breeder.

"STREAKER PUT AWAY FOR 6 MONTHS IN GUITAR CASE"

When a band members guitar was stolen on stage, detective Clueno pinned the blame on the streaker that had been spotted running accros the stage but moments before it was noticed missing.

"PROFFESSOR DATES CORPSE"

Obviously this is to do with the recent finding of a dead body buried under the main arena, when the proffessor carbon dated the body it was found the man of apish appearance actually died approximatley 1630 (or half past 4 for those who cant read 24 hour clocks)

"CRIMINALS HALVED"

This is to do with the report from Blitherscrum Police station from last year when crime was very high in the town. They actually cut all the criminal in half and sold them to the town for novelty garden accessories. This has become very popular with the younger car driver and the odd Citreon AX with alloy wheels, tinted windows and a human torso stuck to the bonnet can be seen doing hand brake turns in the local car parks looked on by crowds of clearly impressed 12 year old girls.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: GUEST,Rob Henderson
Date: 25 Jul 06 - 12:24 PM

god knows why I wrote garden instead of car in that last post

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: GUEST,Hohn H
Date: 26 Jul 06 - 03:35 AM

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: GUEST,John H
Date: 26 Jul 06 - 03:37 AM

So sorry I am new to this and did not know how I put that other messageless message up. Been reading this and it is obviously spoof but good fun. Had a lot of laughs
JH

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: GUEST,Mingulay at work
Date: 26 Jul 06 - 03:52 AM

John H. SPOOF!!!!!! How dare you sir. All the above are genuine postings regarding a Folk Festival located in one of the strangest parts of this sceptered isle, although in Blitherscrum it's more septic isle. I for one have been there on many occasions mainly to take the waters at the Waggon and Horses Spa.

No, no, don't take me back to the home. Is led away dribbling and.............

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 26 Jul 06 - 04:13 AM

The Festival is going really well. No serious injuries so far this year, just a few cases of hand cramps where some of the men have been giving themselves gratification. The music has been first class and 'strummers' (the new Folkie instrument of the moment) have really taken off. Bodhrans have also taken off but in a slightly different way...the are the new frisbies and throwing them across the river, out of the reach of their owners is a good new game.
Another new sport...Banjo chasing..has started and several Banjos have been seen floating on the river pursued by owners.
Mingulay, I was distressed to find it was you who hit the headlines with the "Nut screws washers and bolts" thing. I will instruct my colleagues at the asylum to give you special attention. Castration has just been introduced to the operating schedule at the local Hospital so perhaps they will arrange for you to visit.
Some people have been suffering temporary blindness in the mornings this year and I would suggest you lay off your night time activities whilst here to avoid this problem. (Too much CAN make you blind)
Looking forward to a lot more great music today:-

Bog off Folks...The travellers.
Four strong winds...The farting quartette
The trees they do grow High..The crap lumberjacks
The leaving of Liverpool...The sensibles
The water is wide...The bodhran players
The Lambs on the green hills....The Welsh adventurers
See y'all there

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: old git
Date: 26 Jul 06 - 04:51 AM

Two late entries for the thong workshop

"Thong for Ireland"

"Love this is my thong
Here is a thong,a sexy aid for you.."

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: Paul Burke
Date: 26 Jul 06 - 04:59 AM

Members of Blitherscrum Parish Church (Saint Misbehavin's) will be putting on tableaux depicting the Seven Deadly Sins. Volunteers required for the other 6, please.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: old git
Date: 26 Jul 06 - 08:24 AM

THE FARTING ROARIES WILL ALSO BE SINGING

Blowing in the Wind

Windy old weather

Blow me bully boys blow

Captain Thunderbolt

Catch the Wind (Hmmm!)

For your information and safety... they will be singing in a North Easterly direction.


What a great idea John H ...will have to start a thread for a spoof festival!

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: GUEST,Mingulay at work
Date: 26 Jul 06 - 09:12 AM

Mike - NO!!!!!! The unkindest cut of all.

Damn that Viagra, the package is too stiff to open.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 26 Jul 06 - 11:05 AM

Only three days of the week long festival left Folks....Some who came last year have not been seen this year and that's not good enough.
Move your a...s and get down here now.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: GUEST,Mingulay at work
Date: 26 Jul 06 - 11:59 AM

Festival organisers are searching for volunteers to act as torches for the closing ceremony, A personal supply of flammable gel and high pain threshold are the only qualifications. Matches will be provided. Torches can only extinguish themselves by wading into the river, the use of Fire Hydrants being prohibited due to the water shortages.

BLACKUP COCOA DANCERS will be providing the end of festival entertainment. Last year's unfortunate event involving strangely carved wooden fertility symbols and the 6th form from Blitherscrum High has been covered up - sorry forgotten.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 26 Jul 06 - 01:02 PM

If you feel you are inexperienced at being a human torch, please don't worry as most of out torchees have no experience. There are a few who have been torches at many festivals but through stress they have suffered burnout.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 27 Jul 06 - 03:22 AM

Some of todays songs:-
You picked a fine time to leave me loose heel....The stilettos
Candle in the wind...The Wax trumps.
Universal Solider...The Catalogue army.
Sweet thing..The lollipops.
Not sure what others perhaps someone can help.
Last nights storm destroyed the toilets at the indoor camping site so campers are advised to lift floorboards in the corner when they want to go and carefully replace them after use.
It also fused some of the PA equipment so today we have (at great expense) rushed in some megaphones from the city for the singers.
Apparently someon solved the problem of the wandering cows in the indoor camping area...the door is now to be kept shut at night.
The indoor camping area has also been plagued with a bat problem which has also been solved, all the boys cricket bats have been burnt on the barbecue on the large field.
Remember the Festival closes on Saturday...this year with a sing song as last years firework display decimated the village hall when the fireworks exploded spontaneously. (Could have been kids but we don't like to make accusations)
It was rumoured last night that Dolly Parton would make a guest appearance but I can assure you the rumour was started after someone had seen Mary Smith carrying two balloons.
Enjoy your day.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: Rasener
Date: 27 Jul 06 - 03:59 AM

Do you mean this Mary Smith

Mary Smith

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: GUEST,Mingulay at work
Date: 27 Jul 06 - 04:03 AM

VERY LATE NEWS

Ex nun HAIRY O'MARA (the Irish Mary Black) is making a surprise appearance today backed by our own Marvin Catty on ukelele. Unfortunately this is at the Royal Albert Hall in Stoke Poges and tickets have already sold out.

More on the fireworks. We now have our very own pyrotechnic engineer in the form of Wayne Kerr, who was closely questioned by police after last year's display. Wayne, who lists his hobbies as arson and poaching, should be the man for the job. If you can't beat them join them!!

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: Rasener
Date: 27 Jul 06 - 05:38 AM

May Day May Day

Blitherscrum has been taken over by Government Troops led by John Prescott. Tomorrow a Nuclear Plant will be built on that site, and all asylum seekers will be shipped there to build the plant and keep it running for the future.

This will be rolled out to all other nuclear sites, until all asylum seekers are employed and can no longer claim benefits.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: GUEST,MC Fat
Date: 27 Jul 06 - 05:51 AM

Any chance of having a Clay Bodrhan Shoot ?

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: GUEST,Mingulay at work
Date: 27 Jul 06 - 06:13 AM

Relax everyone, the story about a nuclear plant is just unfounded rubbish and is taken from an original article published in the journal of the Isle of Man

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: GUEST,Mingulay at work
Date: 27 Jul 06 - 06:24 AM

OOOOEEERRRR!!! to continue

...Isle of Man Storytellers Society "Manx Tales".

Asylum seekers are not being used to build nuclear plants, instead they are being rounded up and shot at random. John "Croquet" Prescott was not available for comment today

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 27 Jul 06 - 10:26 AM

The nuclear plants thing is another attempt at scaremongering...last year we were supposed to be being invaded by triffids...this year a nuclear plant..whatever next?
Didn't think they had tales (or is it tails?) in the Isle of Man.
As for the asylum seekers Mr Villan...a lot of them arrived here to experience the fine music and singing. John Prescott himself came but gave an asylum seeker a left hook and left! Tony B would have come but his bodyguard feared the presence of extremists (and rightly so as some of the singers are certainly extreme)
The fishing by numbers workshop has been a great success this year but will not take place next year I am told...too many people became hooked on it.
To scotch the rumours that have been circulated re drugs availability in the indoor camping area...regarding the previous post concerning the damage to the toilets...the expression that was used was passing the potty round not the pot! People are not apparently happy about lifting floorboards.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: GUEST,old git
Date: 28 Jul 06 - 05:02 AM

I understand the real reason for the discontinuation of the fishing is that campers who were definitely "hooked" on something were floating around the ceiling or hanging from the rafters with the bats and fishing in the flooded spaces where the floorboards used to be. Some of the fish being caught were of a rather putrid nature.

Well it has been a great experience taking part in Blitherscrum's umpteenth festival but now I must leave to go to the rival one at Saddleworth (hope it's a not a spoof)

geoff

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: GUEST,Mingulay at work
Date: 28 Jul 06 - 06:25 AM

The fishing workshop is being held in a different plaice this year due to the new EU fishing policy. Under the new rules British fish can only be caught by Spanish fishermen sailing Irish boats under the French flag.

There is still a shortage of torches for the procession. Interested parties should apply to the festival psychiatrist.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: GUEST
Date: 28 Jul 06 - 07:40 AM

The International Shanty Session is to be hosted by the World Famous Swiss Shanty Crew plus an addition to the dance side is the Dutch Mountain Rescue Team Morrismen.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: GUEST,Mingulay at work
Date: 28 Jul 06 - 08:26 AM

""""100""""

Yes, Blitherscrum's oldest resident the Reverend Peeble McStoche, is 100 today. He puts his longevity down to cold baths and a diet of boiled cabbage. The Rev. McStoche gave our reporter this information by megaphone as no one has been near him for at least 10 years. He still lives alone in the hermit's cave.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 28 Jul 06 - 11:40 AM

The Reverend forgot to mention that he sinks half a bottle of scotch every day which may also add to his longevity.
Today has been one incredible day at the Festival. We had surprise visits from Joan Bayes who brought her banjo and Julie Flixe our 60's icon, David Bony and Bob Dylon. Many have left now to go to Market Rasen Folk Club for the evening as there is a great line up. All are coming back for the final day tomorrow which is so full of promise.
Lots of great songs tomorrow.
Sudan by Leonard Co-op
Goldwatch Blues..The retired.
All I think about is You...Nil-song
Let me go to the mountains...The scalers.
Will you? Hazel O'Conwoman.
Lilac Wine..Elkie pissed.
Half empty...The pessimists.
The Labouring man...Chris Builder.
Too many others to mention.
Please come if you're doin nowt else.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 28 Jul 06 - 07:33 PM

Just returned from Market Rasen Folk Club...Great evening there (see thread) Looking forward to the last day here at Blitherscrum tomorrow
Off to get some sleep if those randy women will let me.
Night all!

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 29 Jul 06 - 03:39 AM

Last day today.
I did manage to get some sleep, despite the howlings of a large black cat. Whilst I was away it seems someone kindly solved the toilet problem in the indoor camping area. There is now a large pit in the corner of the room but please be careful not to fall in.
Have a great day.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 29 Jul 06 - 04:13 PM

REVIEW :- This thread has had more BS in it than many of the BS threads....I have truly enjoyed the witticisms and invention of contributors and would again like to thank Chanteyranger for starting the whole thing.
Hope you all enjoyed this "Festival of Wit"
Best wishes, Mike.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: GUEST,Richard
Date: 29 Jul 06 - 07:44 PM

Only saw this thread today. Obvious fun was had by all. Sorry to have missed it.
RB

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: GUEST,MC Fat
Date: 30 Jul 06 - 07:07 AM

You can catch the highlights which will be streamed by Blitherscum AM Steam Radio (you can only listen in the morning though)

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: GUEST,Mingulay at work
Date: 31 Jul 06 - 03:58 AM

Tried to listen to the highlights but, apparently, you can only hear it on a cat's whisker set with dial-up via the operator and holding in button B.

However, I did manage to listen to Tubular Bells. Or was that the ring tone?

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: Trevor
Date: 01 Aug 06 - 11:27 AM

I thought the Waterman-McCartney set was fantastic, the highlight of the weekend for me, particularly when they were joined on stage by Coot Poison, Jim's son. Brought back memories of the last time I saw Bloom Herder at the Sidecar festival in Demon.

And congratulations to Whore and Toast - the yankeeburgers were so yummy I'm glad I was able to eat them twice.

And what's wrong with sponge throwing as long as no-one gets hurt. At least it keeps them out of the playground.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: GUEST,Rob Henderson
Date: 01 Aug 06 - 07:30 PM

Tips for Next Year:

TIP 1: The Blitherscrum Hi-hat society should not be given an area near the front of the stage as a gratuity present for them filling in for band members that caught dysentery, as they are actually a club for people with very high hats and cant actually play an instrument between them. Also as they cant spell "high" do not get them to write any of the signs for next years event, the amount of people looking for trifle and chocolate cake in Blitherscrum desert really was uncalled for.

TIP 2: Please refrain from burying people who seem to be dead. I spent 2 days of the festival underground after I passed out after a pint of Blitherscrum Breweries very own "Ale Force 10". Only to be uncovered during the festival treasure hunt, where I was handed in for a prize of 2 tickets to next years event. The treasure hunters refused the tickets and have kept me instead. I now live in a shed in western supermare and my new name is "Rommel".

TIP 3: DON'T DRINK BLITHERSCRUM BREWERIES "ALE FORCE 10"

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: The Barden of England
Date: 02 Aug 06 - 02:42 AM

I really enjoyed the dancing in the Ford. How on earth they got 80 of us in that Anglia I'll never know. The best Blitherscrum I've been to.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: GUEST,Mingulay at work
Date: 02 Aug 06 - 04:19 AM

Planning is alreday under way for next year's event and the date for your diaries is the 1st September after Bonfire Night which, after allowing for sidewinds, the £/$ conversion rate and the wholesale price of rhubarb, works out to be 35th July to 4th August 1953.

Due to protests from animal welfare groups the sponges next year will have to be man made ones.

ALE FORCE 10 has now been declared a WMD by GWB (Grampian Water Board).

WATCH THIS SPACE FOR FURTHER DETAILS!!!!

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 02 Aug 06 - 03:02 PM

This family orientated event is currently before the family planning committee and they will toss a few coins, chat about logistics and come up with a date...much like they do in most family planning situations. Obviously with the success of this years and last years festivals (in spite of what the press said) we will be carrying on the event every year from now on. There are things which will need adjustment before next year. The toilets need fixing. The hole in the indoor camping area needs emptying and filling with good clean material. The knicker press needs repair. The river needs dredging to get rid of all the reject banjos. The stones used to check the campsites distance from the performance area will need picking up.
Inmates of the local mental hospital need to have their accommodation secured, particularly whilst women are in the laundrette next door.
Details of next years event will be published as soon as possible, not a minute before or a minute later.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: GUEST,Mingulay at work
Date: 03 Aug 06 - 04:10 AM

A sign is to be attached to the knicker press for next yeat asking ladies to remove their knickers before pressing them. Apparently this year's malfunction was caused by a build up of molten cellulite.

In an effort to promote more local involvement, the committee have co-opted a representative from the local Asian Lesbian Action Group to their ranks. Ms Minjita Kaur has accepted the post.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: GUEST,Rob Henderson
Date: 03 Aug 06 - 05:24 AM

The family planning clinic tent at the back of the beer tent was an excellent idea. Giving out free condoms to stop Blitherscrum locals from reproducing gets my vote. The only trouble was the sign caused alot of confusion and was taken the wrong way (quite literally) by a few festival goers. It read "Family Planning Clinic Tent - Use rear entrance"

No prizes for guessing who wrote that sign.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: GUEST,old git
Date: 03 Aug 06 - 05:47 AM

With the ALE FORCE 10 the family planning tent was a bit of a flop... as were many other things

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: GUEST,Mingulay at work
Date: 03 Aug 06 - 08:22 AM

Notwithstanding this year's problems, especially the cleaning bills, Eddy Baker has again been asked to provide the Camp Site to Festival transport. He's hoping that overwintering the waggons in the open will help and is currently praying for acid rain.

Hopefully, if the spider co-operates, the web site will be up and running again by June. Until it is information can be obtained on a postcard.

ALE FORCE 10 is definately off next year as the chief taster has unexpectedly passed away. I think that's what they said, although it sounded more like passed off. The replacement beer will be ALLSLOPS GUT WRENCH

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 03 Aug 06 - 05:52 PM

Apparently one young lady found the love of her life at this years festival, falling truly, madly, deeply in love with him. However the mans wife says she will never have him as he is hers. She threatened to give the girl a real beating if she came near her husband ever again. The sad thing is that beating up a ten year old only carries the same penalty as beating up an old granny.
One couple wjho were at the festival have since married and are on honeymoon in Blitherscrum saying there is no better place for s......g in the world and they should know! Judging by their performance on the stage on friday night.
Next year I hope to be performing on the first night with a new instrument called a 'bodjo' which is a cross between a bodhran and a banjo....a drum with strings.....made up from items rescued from the fire and the river at this years festival. I will be singing my favourite Dylan song...LAY LADY LAY..not sure why I like it so much but I do.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: Mr Happy
Date: 04 Aug 06 - 10:11 AM

......just got back from the overspill campsite, situated on the main floodplain of the Blitheshire Union Canal.

An excellent idea on the part of the festival organisers to have the campers fashion their own rafts on which to pitch their tents.

As the canal adjoins the river, it was possible to punt yourself,using the handy pole-hire concession, to both sides of the river, thus being able to take full advantage of all the exotic amenities on offer.

Highlights of the festival for the Mr Happy & Fiends World Tour were:

* the very formally directed singaround in Ye Olde Multiplex Cinema Middle Bar, in which Harry & Vicky Gloom nominated all their chums to perform & excluded all newcomers.

This approach completely eliminated any of the competitiveness & smartarse showing off that many travelling folkies are tempted to exhibit, particularly displays of musical & singing competance- both of which were totally absent.


* the allcomers drunken brawl in the disabled ladies portaloo, led by that fine singer & smartarse musician; Darren O'Barbahblacksheep.

'I'll fight any wummun in the house!'


* the Write & Perform your very own Dirge workshop led by Lofty McBrain, part time taxidermist & undertaker; & spoon player extaordinaire!


* the Drink a Metre of Ale + Wet Tee shirt & Trousers competition.

We'll certainly be attending this super do next time- Yippee!

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: GUEST,Mingulay at work
Date: 04 Aug 06 - 11:38 AM

Mr Happy, you seem to forget that the exclusion of newcomers at singarounds/sessions is one of the highlights of a Blitherscrum Festival. Performers travel from all over specifically for this so they can then sit in their sodden tents and complain vociferously to any one who comes within megaphone range. The same people can also be seen outside the Whores & Fannies (or is that the Horse & Panniers?)complaining at the exhorbitant price of a half of orange squash. There will be a prize next year for best whinger of the week.

There will be no organised brawling next year. This is a money saving measure as the locals always provide a spontaneous one for free every night anyway.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: GUEST,old git
Date: 04 Aug 06 - 06:49 PM

Having sat in my sodding tent with 350 people for 2 hours I think I'm entitled to complain about the squash.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 04 Aug 06 - 07:12 PM

I like a good wine too! or should that be whine?

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 04 Aug 06 - 07:15 PM

The question I really want to ask is:- Have the censors actually perused this thread at all? have they looked and seen it as a bit of fun but not BS.........there is more BS in this thread than all the BS threads put together!
In the words of the inimitable Jimmy Hendrix..."Hey Joe"   have you seen this BS thread amongst the music?

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 05 Aug 06 - 05:27 PM

So who will be 'contributing' to next years Blitherscrum thread then?
We need all the contributors we can get.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: Peter Kasin
Date: 06 Aug 06 - 04:56 AM

BS you say? Why Georgiansilver, Blitherscrum is undoubtedly the world's premiere something or other, wouldn't you say?

Chanteyranger

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: GUEST,GS
Date: 06 Aug 06 - 09:43 AM

BS stands for Blither Scrum

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: SINSULL
Date: 06 Aug 06 - 10:43 AM

Why was the Hummer Workshop cancelled? I went down but no one was there.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: Elmer Fudd
Date: 06 Aug 06 - 06:40 PM

The Hummers all ran out of gas.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 06 Aug 06 - 07:04 PM

There was plenty of gas in the indoor camping area..some of the women never stopped making the gas.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: SINSULL
Date: 09 Aug 06 - 10:39 PM

SO...pictures anyone?

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: Peter Kasin
Date: 10 Aug 06 - 01:19 AM

I would LOVE some pictures, SINSULL! Send them to me and I'll reimburse you. Thanks!

BTW, what are they of?

Chanteyranger

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: Paul Burke
Date: 10 Aug 06 - 03:56 AM

Pictures, SINSULL..
The Camp Site after the rain
Session in the End of Hope
Morris Dancers in the Village
The Children's Playground
The Camp Site at Night
Just having Fun

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: GUEST,Mingulay at work
Date: 10 Aug 06 - 04:06 AM

Unfortunately there are NO pictures. The photo developing concession was awarded to the local branch of Boots the Chemist in exchange for a bottle of Peabody's Neck Oil (Extra Strength). Just as the last films were handed in the lab caught fire in mysterious circumstances. The Fire Brigade and Police have ruled out the presence of one of the human torches as being a contributory factor and are of the opinion that it was caused by a random lightning strike from a storm they'd had in April. Chief Fire Officer Gerry Widdle says the case is now closed.

Sketches of the blaze are due to be printed in the Blitherscrum Daily Liar on Wednesday week.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: Mr Happy
Date: 11 Aug 06 - 12:09 PM

Paul B.,

your pic of kids playground?

is it Bosch?

its got a representation of Escher's perpetual waterfall in it.

Did M.C. get the concept from Bosch or wot?

Do u kno?

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: Paul Burke
Date: 11 Aug 06 - 12:12 PM

It's Escher after Bosch IIRC.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: GUEST,Chanteyranger
Date: 11 Aug 06 - 12:35 PM

You guys are being totally hieronymous.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: Paul Burke
Date: 11 Aug 06 - 12:44 PM

No, was wrong, misread the source. It's someone else after the pair of them, and a bit of cheap Dali thrown in too.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: GUEST,old git
Date: 11 Aug 06 - 02:41 PM

I don't think it was bosh at all...incredibly like the real thing..until it was burned down by flames blowing over from the bodhran bonfire

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: Elmer Fudd
Date: 11 Aug 06 - 02:54 PM

Every single one of my photos from the festival shows a glowing, round object hovering in the sky over Blitherscrum. Ever since the last night there's been this weird scar on my left temple with what appears to be a tiny, rectangular chip of something under the skin. And I've been receiving transmissions of speeded-up accordian music since then.

Do you think there's a connection? Has this happened to anyone else?

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 11 Aug 06 - 05:14 PM

Elmer Fudd.. the scar is actually your left ear try turning your hearing aid off! They are so annoying when they squeal.
The round object over Blitherscrum was actually the moon.

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: Mr Happy
Date: 11 Aug 06 - 09:02 PM

Halloween 111 was on t'tely t'nite when I got Back from the Carlton Big Sesh.

Lots of folk had their chips- do u think yours could be one?

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: Mr Happy
Date: 11 Aug 06 - 09:25 PM

Paul,










Thanks for link + explanation.

Hope we can get 2gether 4 a nuvva fab sesh w/end snoo [sic]

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: Mr Happy
Date: 10 Sep 06 - 09:48 AM

Mr H

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: Mr Happy
Date: 10 Sep 06 - 10:05 AM

FESTIVAL FEEDBACK FORM

Please tell us what you thought was good/ bad about the event & add any suggestions on how we might make it better next time.

Please add your comments below:

I felt the fact that the water bowsers being marked 'Not for Drinking' was not at all helpful, since we later found that they in fact contained drinking water!'

There weren't enough Portaloos & 5 out of 6 weren't working at all.

Also I didn't appreciate the coin operated toilet paper dispensers – surely 50p a sheet's somewhat extortionate!

While on the subject of rip-offs, the gazebo levy was most disproportionate – gazebos with roofs: 20lb surcharge while roofless ones were free!

Similarly, windbreaks with walls were charged 10lb per wall while those without were free

More??

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 10 Sep 06 - 11:27 AM

Campsites such as the indoor one at Blitherscrum are there for a purpose and those who use them should not be complaining about the wooden floors, the toilets or the peeping Toms from the village. Some even complained about the food which they bought and cooked themselves. Using Bodhrans as frisbees has been a feature at Blitherscrum so those who bring them should expect them to get bent and broken. Banjos are the best available thing to use for French cricket so their owners should also expect the same thing. Eddie Baker is after all the local farmer so when the site was sprayed with...with...well with you know what I mean...it should have been expected also.
These things will not be changed so get a life and live with it..

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: Peter Kasin
Date: 11 Sep 06 - 03:58 AM

One thing that made the food service operation unsanitary is that someone broke into the central kitchen and confiscated all the spoons. They mistook it for the pub next door which was going to hold a session the next day. They thought they were going to be decorated as war heroes.

Chanteyranger

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: Mr Happy
Date: 18 Nov 06 - 08:48 PM

Blitherscrum Autumn Fundraiser Barn Dance.

Music by 'Full of Themselves Ceilidh Band', caller TBA

Saturday 18th November 06.

Admission by ticket only.

Tickets available from:


Oddfellows Hall only £6.50 inc. hotpot supper.

Ebay. – Make your bids!

Or from touts on the door: make your bids!

Subject: RE: Blitherscrum Folk Music Festival
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 19 Nov 06 - 11:00 AM

Please bear in mind that there are certain rules applied to Blitherscrum Barn dances.
1)No sexual practices on the dance floor at it detracts from the natural rhythm of the dances (Also it is not known as 'Come Dancing'.
2)Food is not to be thrown at the ceilidh band, as it may cause the instruments to lose their tune (as well as the performers!).
3)No playing of kazoos on the dance floor.
4)No food on the dance floor as it attracts rats from the brook next to the hall.
Further rules may be published soon