Song Challenge! - Part 77

Subject: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 77
From: Áine
Date: 19 Dec 01 - 12:24 AM

Good morning, Challenge!rs!! I do hope that you kept your senses sharpened after the last hoo-haw with Santa -- you're gonna need all your synapses snapping for this one . . .

-- Áine


No Room On The Xerox For Virgin Berths -- Bosses at Sir Richard Branson's Virgin Mobile scuppered plans to have photocopiers at their Christmas party so staff could scan their bottoms.

The idea was to recreate a television advertisement for the firm featuring former All Saints star Melanie Blatt, in which she does the same.

But the stunt was dropped after the company's legal advisers stepped in and ruled it unsafe.

More than 1,000 Virgin Mobile employees attended the firm's Christmas party on Tuesday at a nightclub in the Wiltshire town of Trowbridge.

It featured performances from the pop group Liberty and DJ Boy George.

A spokeswoman for the firm said she had heard about the idea to install reinforced photocopiers in the club as a gag after the success of the advertisement.

She said she understood it had come from someone else in their communications department, but was rejected by legal experts.

"Somebody had been talking about it early on, but it wouldn't have been allowed for legal reasons," the spokeswoman said. "It's unfortunate because it would be a good laugh."

And it appears that the ban-the-bums barristers might have an ally in the form of Officials at the Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents, who say workers risk cutting themselves on broken copier glass.

They say the Virgin mobile phone ad of Melanie Blatt photocopying her backside is "daft and irresponsible".

Spokesman Roger Vincent is warning office workers not to be tempted to make photocopied backsides "this year's festive trend".

He told The Sun: "Inhibitions are loosened after a few drinks and people show off. We don't want copying backsides to become this year's festive trend.

"Someone could find themselves in a hospital casualty ward this Christmas instead of at home with their families.

"Sitting on a photocopier is very dangerous. We don't want to be killjoys but advise people to stick to good old-fashioned mistletoe."

Go For It (gently!), Challenge!rs!!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 77
From: Genie
Date: 19 Dec 01 - 02:37 AM

Not ready for a Pulitzer Prize (or a Pullet Surprise, either), but I just had to leap up and expose myself in the following fashion:

The Copied Bummer
words: (Genie reluctantly admits to having penned them)
music:  LDB

Come, they told me -- bum, bum, bum, bum, bum
Up on this scan machine -- bum, bum, bum, bum, bum
Our bottoms we will fax -- bum, bum, bum, bum, bum
(If we don't get the ax) -- bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum.
Like our Melanie -- bum, bum, bum, bum, bum
Faxing her bum.

Blessed "Virgin,"-- bum, bum, bum, bum, bum
I'm a poor employee -- bum, bum, bum, bum, bum
I have no expertise-- -- bum, bum, bum, bum, bum
Your markets to increase -- bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum.
Shall I fax to you,--bum, bum, bum, bum, bum
My fine bum?

Boy George nodded,--bum, bum, bum, bum, bum
You b*x and ass look fine!--bum, bum, bum, bum, bum
Then the RSPA,--bum, bum, bum, bum, bum
Took our machine away, -- bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum.
"You might cut your *ss,--bum, bum, bum, bum, bum
On our glass!" --bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bumbum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 77
From: Aidan Crossey
Date: 19 Dec 01 - 06:26 AM

A parody of "Down By The Liffeyside" which is itself a parody of "Down By The Sally Gardens".

THE COPYING OF MY BACKSIDE
It was to the office Christmas do, my colleague and I did stray
The pair of us were roarin' drunk, been drinkin' since the dawnin' of the day
We were both well-oiled and a bit shop-soiled, scuttered, bollixed, almost paralysed
Ah but now, by Christ, I am paying the price, for the copying of my backside

Well Jeanie was pissed on Irish Mist, Diamond White, vodka and Red Bull
"Have you got a Black Bush?" The barmaid blushed, thinking I was on the pull
Then the landlord's shout "Get the pair of yez out! I have had about enough of you!"
And we laughed till we cried as he turfed us outside and we staggered to the Christmas do

I'm not much of a dancer, I'm more of a romancer and under the flashing lights
Jeanie's face assumed a certain grace I almost didn't recognise
I damn nearly said "Ah now Jean, you're drop dead, how would you fancy an oul' shift?"
But she whispered in my ear "Johnny, come over here" and she gestured towards the goods lift

We stopped at Lower Ground and we made not a sound as we crept towards the reprograhics room
I pictured a scene, it was torrid and obscene, the pair of us hard at it in the gloom
"Do you know why we're here?" "I do indeed, my dear. It's clear that you are gaggin' for a ride …"
"Ah, John, go on. You're having me on. I want to copy your backside"

My ego deflated, I wouldn't be sated with loving provided by Jean
But I'm not one to sulk, so I hefted my bulk on to the copying machine
With my Ys round my feet, I rested my bare seat, on top of the photocopy glass
Till – with a loud retort – I am sorry to report the machine gave way beneath my ass

The machinery still hummed and jaggin' my bum were splinters and shrapnel and shards
I was wedged good and tight, I looked a quare sight and more humiliation on the cards
Jean pulled and tugged, but still I was snug, "It's no use Jean" at last I sighed
"You must go tell the boss, and I'll have to pay the cost for the copying of my backside"

Around me they flocked, and the flashbulbs went pop, tears of laughter fell like drops of rain
Trapped like a baste, naked from the waist, never been so belittled or ashamed
Just as Moses parted the Red Sea, my boss strode up to me and the crowds made way and stood aside
"Come the New Year you'll be out on your ear for the copying of your backside"

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 77
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 19 Dec 01 - 06:57 AM

A picture from life's other side...

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 77
From: Áine
Date: 19 Dec 01 - 09:21 AM

Two fine offerings from two fine folks! Here's the first slate of Silver B.L.O.B.s, then --

To Genie, who might not be ready for Pullet(!), but who's definitely ready for a Cow Chip!, for this rhythmical delight:

Blessed "Virgin,"-- bum, bum, bum, bum, bum
I'm a poor employee -- bum, bum, bum, bum, bum
I have no expertise-- -- bum, bum, bum, bum, bum
Your markets to increase -- bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum.
Shall I fax to you,--bum, bum, bum, bum, bum
My fine bum?

And to derrymacash, showing us all his 'best' side (oh!) with this lyrical little lilt:

Well Jeanie was pissed on Irish Mist, Diamond White, vodka and Red Bull
"Have you got a Black Bush?" The barmaid blushed, thinking I was on the pull
Then the landlord's shout "Get the pair of yez out! I have had about enough of you!"
And we laughed till we cried as he turfed us outside and we staggered to the Christmas do

A cool and smooth beginning to this one -- Keep 'em comin', Challenge!rs!!

-- Áine

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 77
From: Aidan Crossey
Date: 19 Dec 01 - 09:25 AM

I've just re-read the song above and actually it's a bit of a squeeze to get it to scan with "Down By The Liffeyside". I think I was writing it with the tune of McAlpine's Fusiliers playing on my mental jukebox. (The two tunes are quite similar.) Anyway … the words of my submission above seem to fit quite well to McAlpine's Fusiliers ….

For my second submissoon, I have parodied quite an obscure song. On Stump's 1988 album, "A Fierce Pancake" (any album with a Flann O'Brien/Myles Na Gopaleen reference in its title gets house-room in my collection), is the glorious, raucous "Charlton Heston (Put His Vest On)".

RICHARD BRANSON (Kept His Pants On)

To celebrate our year of labour
Every worker and his neighbour
Received a gilt-edged invitation
To come and have a few libations
Champagne, sherry, vodkatinis
Wine and gin and beer

Paper hats and party poppers
On the stage, the new chart-toppers
But lads and lassies keep it tasteful
Keep it clean and keep it chasteful
Pass The Parcel, Spin The Bottle
But please don't Shoot The Moon

Richard Branson kept his pants on

Please don't photograph your botty
That would drive poor Richard potty
Safety first he's always urgin'
The hairy-featured boss of Virgin
Safety first and mind your manners
We've standards to maintain

Beware the photocopy's flash
It might turn your arse to ash
It can sizzle it can singe
It might barbecue your minge
So let's respect our office systems
And not give them abuse

Richard Branson kept his pants on

Do not copy do not fax
That which lies within your kecks
Frankly it's of no interest
To see with what you have been blessed
Your arse may be big and hairy
You may have a gorgeous Mary
Your manhood may be like a club
Or may be like a pencil stub
But if the urge within you rises
To photograph your bumses, thighses
Please resist the lewd temptation
Or be prepared for castigation
The safety man is standing by
On our machines he'll keep an eye
If used in ways that are not intended
He shall see that you're suspended
Or maybe fire you, there and then
Can't say for certain it depends
Either way, you must measure
If the risk is worth the pleasure
But it's a risk I'll not be chancin'
Richard Branson kept his pants on

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 77
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 19 Dec 01 - 12:04 PM

"Bosses at Sir Richard Branson's Virgin Mobile scuppered plans to have photocopiers at their Christmas party so staff could scan their bottoms.

Pray tell, what business is this firm in?

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 77
From: Amos
Date: 19 Dec 01 - 06:10 PM

The Xeroxed Burglar

(Tune: The Boston Burglar)

I was born and raised in Wiltshire,
A county I love well,
Brought up by honest parents,
The truth to you I'll tell,
I was raised by honest parents,
And brought up tenderly
Until I turned to burgling
At the age of twenty three!!

I burgled stores and condos,
And manses, halls and homes!
I swiped the stew from kitchen stoves,
And made their mommas moan!
I picked up gems from bedrooms,
As a burglar, I was hot!
Until this winter brought me down
With a bad case of the trots.

As I softly stole into a house,
And softly climbed the stairs,
A cruel virus seized my gut
And took me unawares!
Although I stole the owners' clothes,
His jewelry, too, by Jeeze,
I had to leave there in the dark,
My stinking BVDs!

I went back to my day job sir,
By gastric tonics healed,
I was just in time to join the fun
At the Xmas party deal.
We were drinking jolly Xmas grog
And minds began to rot,
We started xeroxing our bums,
And passing 'round the shots.

Now, I've never been a party poop,
I'm in there with the best!
And so I rode that Xerox screen,
And got "copied" with the rest.
And when the grog had worn me down,
I staggered home at three,
And I never dreamed that party game
My downfall soon would be.

For just after I had left the bash,
They were busted by the fuzz !
Who took and swept up all the trash,
Evidence, they said it was.
And some bright dick had had the thought,
By chance, he did allow,
That one among those Xerox prints
Seemed familiar, somehow!!

My character was taken,
The shot was my downfall,
One of the busted office girls
Had recognized a ball,
And when I woke up next morning,
Three coppers hollered "Freeze!"
They had tracked me down from the traces brown,
In those goddamned BVDs!!

So you who have your liberty,
Pray keep it bright and clean,
And do not leave your buttmarks on
The copying machine,
For if you do, you know you will
Find yourself like me,
A-serving out your thirty years
in the penitentiary.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 77
From: Áine
Date: 20 Dec 01 - 10:01 AM

You know, a certain Bard of the Fam remarked to me the other day that the quality and talent in the Song Challenge!s had risen remarkably in the last few months. And I couldn't agree more! Whether you all write just a few quick lines, or go whole hog and give us a ten minute ballad, your amazing imaginations produce some mighty wonderful songs. Well done, my darlin's!

Now, here are the latest Silver B.L.O.B.s for two of my personal heart throbs (hahaha):

To derrymacash, a chara chóir, for this Spittoon qualifying verse:

Paper hats and party poppers
On the stage, the new chart-toppers
But lads and lassies keep it tasteful
Keep it clean and keep it chasteful
Pass The Parcel, Spin The Bottle
But please don't Shoot The Moon


And to dear Amos for these lithsome lyrical laundry lines:

My character was taken,
The shot was my downfall,
One of the busted office girls
Had recognized a ball,
And when I woke up next morning,
Three coppers hollered "Freeze!"
They had tracked me down from the traces brown,
In those goddamned BVDs!!


Wunnerful!!

-- Áine

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 77
From: Aidan Crossey
Date: 20 Dec 01 - 10:54 AM

On my way into work every morning I pass a statue of Oscar Wilde. I read McGrath's link. The two combined and sparked off the following ditty.

THE PICTURE OF DORIAN GRAY's BACKSIDE
In the world's mighty gall'ry of pictures
Hang scenes that are painted from life
There's pictures of joy and of sorrow
There's pictures of peace and of strife
There's pictures of youth and of beauty
Old age and the blushing young bride
All hang on the wall, but the saddest of all
Is the picture of Dorian Gray's backside

CHORUS
It's a picture of Dorian Gray's backside
All wrinkled and flabby and grey
Not perky nor carried with pride
But saggy and hairy they say
It's kept under wraps in a garret
Hidden from eyes that might pry
No joy to behold, it is aged and old
The picture of Dorian Gray's backside

It was late of a Christmas evening
To a party I had an invite
There was nibbling and chatting and drinking
I drank, had a chat, ate a bite
Then noticed the sudden grand entrance
Of that rake, the famed Dorian Gray
It was clear he'd had many's the tipple
From his wobble and topple and sway

CHORUS
He mingled and blathered and swaggered
Then I saw Mr G disappear
I followed him down to the basement
Where the cad photocopied his rear!
And then, to both our amazement
We heard a disembodied voice
"You may leave now, me boul' young Dorian
Or stay … I give you a choice!

CHORUS

"I know you are proud of your buttocks"
The genie continued "And so
I'll allow them to be preserv-ed
From this point, no older they'll grow
Hang this photograph up in your attic
And as the years advance
Pert will remain the posterior part
That's shielded from view in your pants"

CHORUS

And lo the decades roll onwards
And time our vanity mocks
Dorian's face bears many the trace
Of the beating of the clock
But though his oul' body is ravaged
By the cruel assault of the years
Still pert and perky and handsome
Is Dorian's well-preserved rear

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 77
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 20 Dec 01 - 11:06 AM

The Little Toner Drum Boy

Come they told me
Pa rump a Bum Bum
Come and sit right here
Pa rump a Bum Bum
It's in our TV Ad
Pa rump a Bum Bum
We'll Xerograph you nads
Pa rump a Bum Bum
Rump a Bum Bum
Rump a Bum Bum
The copier we defile
Pa rump a Bum Bum
At Virgin Mobile

The lawyers banned the stunt
Pa rump a Bum Bum
They said "That dog won't hunt"
Pa rump a Bum Bum
"Ladies, we must be blunt!"
Pa rump a Bum Bum
You can't Xerox your .........self
Pa rump a Bum Bum
Rump a Bum Bum
Rump a Bum Bum
Besides it just ain't clean
Pa rump a Bum Bum
Know what I mean?

What if you break the glass?
Pa rump a Bum Bum
The pain would last and last
Pa rump a Bum Bum
The shards stuck in your ass?
Pa rump a Bum Bum
Think I'll give that a pass
Pa rump a Bum Bum
Rump a Bum Bum
Rump a Bum Bum
I put a lamp shade upon my head
Pa rump a Bum Bum
There, enough said.

duplicate post deleted by mudelf ;-)

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 77
From: Deda
Date: 20 Dec 01 - 02:52 PM

Heavy crunch on at work so I can't offer anything this time, but this is a particularly hilarious group to read over my short lunch hour!! LOL, admiring thanks to all.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 77
From: Áine
Date: 20 Dec 01 - 03:49 PM

More joy being reflected in this Challenge! Here are the Silver B.L.O.B.s for these latest fantastically funny bits:

To derrymacash, for this historically hysterical hi-ho:

It's a picture of Dorian Gray's backside
All wrinkled and flabby and grey
Not perky nor carried with pride
But saggy and hairy they say
It's kept under wraps in a garret
Hidden from eyes that might pry
No joy to behold, it is aged and old
The picture of Dorian Gray's backside

And to Jack the Sailor for exposing himself as a traditionalist with these lines:

What if you break the glass?
Pa rump a Bum Bum
The pain would last and last
Pa rump a Bum Bum
The shards stuck in your ass?
Pa rump a Bum Bum
Think I'll give that a pass
Pa rump a Bum Bum
Rump a Bum Bum
Rump a Bum Bum
I put a lamp shade upon my head
Pa rump a Bum Bum
There, enough said.


Keep 'em comin', Challenge!rs!!

-- Áine

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 77
From: Bradypus
Date: 20 Dec 01 - 07:52 PM

The tune, obviously, is 'Ding Dong! Merrily on High.

Apologies to any secretaries, or people called Gloria, for what follows. This is a work of pure imagination.

The Office Secretary

Ding! Dong! Ring the office bell!
Be merry, hale and hearty
Music, food and drink as well
It is the office party

Gloria, the office secretary.
Gloria, the office secretary.

Who wore short skirt and fishnets?
Whose dress was oh, so thrilling
Who eyed up the office lads
And looked like she was willing?

Gloria, the office secretary.
Gloria, the office secretary.

Who pigged out on all the food?
Who ate enough for twenty?
Who drank much more than she should?
It looked like she'd had plenty!

Gloria, the office secretary.
Gloria, the office secretary.

Who decided that she would –
Although we thought she wouldn't?
What persuaded her she could –
Although they said she shouldn't?

Gloria, the office secretary.
Gloria, the office secretary.

Yes, she found the fax machine
Her rear to photocopy
Took a picture quite obscene
And stored it on a floppy

Gloria, the office secretary.
Gloria, the office secretary.

Who was very much admired?
Her disposition sunny.
Who deserved just to be fired –
At least, they thought it funny!

Gloria, the office secretary.
Gloria, the office secretary.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 77
From: Amos
Date: 20 Dec 01 - 08:13 PM

Hilarious, Brady!! Terrific stuff, Jack, and Derry!! I am chuckling my Xerox off!!

A.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 77
From: Áine
Date: 20 Dec 01 - 09:27 PM

My darlin' Bradypus -- Fantastic!! -- but, who gave you the goods on a certain TGG and those office parties of yore?? Nevermind, you really deserve a Golden B.L.O.B. for:

Who pigged out on all the food?
Who ate enough for twenty?
Who drank much more than she should?
It looked like she'd had plenty!


LMAO, Áine

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 77
From: Aidan Crossey
Date: 21 Dec 01 - 07:21 AM

This tune is to the air of the Ducks of Magheralin (or as it has been inadvertently dubbed in a current thread, The Ducks of Marilyn). It goes out to me oul' china, ard mhacha. Nollaig shona, a h-Oilibhéar a chara chairde agus beannacht duit.

It was at the office Christmas do, in the photocopy room
There was giggling and tittering as we gathered in the gloom
Now and then the oul machine would make its fateful pass
With a flash like lightning as a colleague photographed his ass

And then it came my turn to climb aboard the oul' machine
To drop my pants (and thanks to Christ my underwear was clean!)
But "Oh!" my colleagues gasped in awe and shrank from me in fright
As I removed my boxers the room was bathed with light

CHORUS
Cos the sun shines out my ass, yes the sun shines out my ass
A light so bright and pure and white it cannot be surpassed
The subject of conjecture, "Is it true?" some folks have asked
Well, believe your eyes, you girls and guys, the sun shines out my ass!

How this solar object came to lodge in my rear end
Is truly a great mystery but I shall not pretend
That its presence causes bother, it's truly not a blight
I'm the only man on earth with a built-in source of light

I was standing by the ocean, the ships they sailed and steamed
Kept free of any danger by the lighthouse and its beam
But the lightbulb failed, the keeper wailed "The ships will all be sunk"
"Have no fear, me keeper dear, I'll spin and drop my trunks!"

CHORUS

I was watching Riverdance the lights they had a fault
Threatening to bring the night's proceeding to halt
"We have no spot to single out Jean Butler's next step-dance"
But I leapt to the rescue, bent down and dropped my pants.

It was at the Castleblaney fleadh, my mate lost his dope
To try to find it in the dark he knew there was no hope
But when I dropped my knickers, bathing all in a sea of light
He found his stash, ten pounds in cash and roared out in delight

CHORUS Adnauseam

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 77
From: Amos
Date: 21 Dec 01 - 09:15 AM

Derry, that one is a True Keeper!!

Abso-bloody-lutely grand!!

A

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 77
From: Aidan Crossey
Date: 21 Dec 01 - 09:22 AM

Amos ...

Many thanks for your kind words. The Nollaig shona and beannacht aren't just reserved for me oul' mucker ard mhacha ... they're meant for each and every 'catter. (Even those who, over the past year, I've had run-ins.) But especially to those few foolhardy, demented, creative individuals who take the time to raise a smile (or otherwise provoke or entertain) by taking Áine's challenges on board.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 77
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 21 Dec 01 - 09:58 AM

Merry Christams all,

bradypus that was VERY funny,

Derry,

That riverdance thing was a great wrinkle, kind Rudolph from the rear!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 77
From: MMario
Date: 21 Dec 01 - 10:33 AM

I keep thinking I want to have a try at this - then I read the entries - and realize I ain't gonna compete against these entries. (I know - it's not a "competition")

Just bums sitting on the copier
While we drink some Christmas grog
It's Yule-tide; Carol's being chaste by the fire
And on the sofa, someone's NOT!

Everybody knows the turkey from the payroll staff
Will pass out, whoops there he goes!
Prop him up, hang some lights on his nose
and take some candid photo-graphs!

we know the boss is on his way
Enjoy the party or you will not get your pay
And every silly joke, he bleedin' tells is sure to make some jackass bray!

And so I'm offering this simple plea
for applicants to Virgin Mo...
If you wannna work where this stuff's goin' on
You're Crazy!
Yes, You''re crazy!
Very Crazy. yessir!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 77
From: Amos
Date: 21 Dec 01 - 10:42 AM

Big Ol Grin, MM!! You got da stuff, mon -- ya jus' gotta exercise it more!! This self-effacement stuff ain't gonna getcha nowhere, ya foller?

Merry Maries to you and ALL the Madcap Songsters.

Amos

Madcap Emeritus

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 77
From: DaveP
Date: 21 Dec 01 - 11:03 AM

To the tune of Once in Royal Davids city

- Well it's a start anyway

Once in Richard Bransons party
stood a copying machine
'till a spice girl blaced her bottom
very gently on the screen.

When She leaned and pushed the button
a pleasant warmth rose from the glass
as green light traversed her bottom
copying her lovely little *ss!


line breaks added by mudelf ;-)

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 77
From: GUEST
Date: 21 Dec 01 - 12:47 PM

Many thanks Derrymacash, I tiptoe away from such a talented site and wish you all in the ancient tongue, Nollag Shona. Slan Ard Mhacha.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 77
From: GUEST,Sonja
Date: 21 Dec 01 - 08:21 PM

I don't know if you've already awarded the prizes yet. (I don't want to read other folks' entries until I've finished my concoctions.) At any rate, here's one of my angles on the story.

Sonja

Oh, What A Wild Office Party
Words:  Sonja W. Oates  © 2001
(With sincere apologies to Rodgers and Hammerstein)

There's a big, hairy butt on the Mita.
(Everyone)
There's a big, hairy butt on the Mita.
The porn is as high as a elephant's thigh
And Marketing's going all out for the prize.

Oh, what a wild office party
Oh, what a wild bunch of nudes!
I got a terrible feeling
Somebody's gonna get sued!

Margarita from Human Resources
(Everyone)
Margarita from Human Resources
Plying those potions that share her sweet name
Was posed in a manner to put us to shame!

Oh, what a wild office party
Oh, what a wild bunch of nudes!
I got a terrible feeling
Somebody's gonna get sued!

Old Joe, Senior V. P. of Finance
(Everyone)
Old Joe, Senior V. P. of Finance
Attacked Maggie Jones after 5 shots of scotch--
Now, he's on the copier faxing his crotch!

Oh, what a wild office party
Oh, what a wild bunch of nudes!
I got a terrible feeling
Somebody's gonna get sued!

All the sounds of the office are raucous!
(Everyone)
All the sounds of the office are raucous!
The copier's so smudged with those short hairs and fluids
Some faxes do not even look like they're "nuids."

Oh, what a wild office party
Oh, what a wild bunch of nudes!
I got a terrible feeling
Somebody's gonna get sued!

Well, it seemed like a clever promotion!
(Everyone)
Well, it seemed like a clever promotion!
What fun you could have with a "Virgin" this year
Sending your mates those close-ups of your rear!

Oh, what a wild office party
Oh, what a wild bunch of nudes!
I got a terrible feeling
Somebody's gonna get sued!

All the staffers are are breaking  state statutes.
(Everyone)
All the staffers are are breaking  state statutes.
Our lawyers  scream, "Hey, what if you break that glass
And end up with toner and shards up your *ss?!"

Oh, they are such party poopers!
Oh, what a stiff bunch of prudes!
Always in dark apprehension
The "Virgin" is gonna get sued!

Oh, well, it was fun while it lasted!
(Everyone)
Oh, well, it was fun while it lasted!
At least now our staff photo album's complete
With eight-by-ten copies of everyone's seat!

It was a wild office party
We were a wild bunch of nudes!
Till "Legal" went right through the ceiling:
"You break that glass, we'll be sued!"
The "Virgin" is gonna be screwed!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 77
From: GUEST,Sonja again
Date: 21 Dec 01 - 08:27 PM

Ooopps!    Áine, can you help me fix that last post?   I thought I had it finished, then I noticed the gaffe in the first verse.  Can substitute this verse for the botched one?  Thanks a bunch!

Sonja

There's a big, hairy butt on the Mita.
(Everyone)
There's a big, hairy butt on the Mita.
The porn is astounding--some elephant-size!
And Marketing's going all out for the prize.

(sorted by a Joeclone)

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 77
From: Genie
Date: 21 Dec 01 - 08:42 PM

The Christmas Thong
Words:  Jeanene Pratt © 2001
Tune:  The Christmas Song            Mel Tormé & Robert Wells, 1946

Chester's perching on the copier;
Jackson's ripping off his clothes;
You'll find Carol being done by a buyer,*
And folks act up like pesky shmoes.

Ev'rybody knows that turkey with his mistletoe
Guarantees a raunchy time;
Fanny Scott (hers  already exposed)
Is in the fax-your-fanny line.

 We know there's gonna be horseplay,
 We're loaded girls and boys with booty to display.
 But Virgin's legal team is gonna spy
 For fear that some dear cuts her butt here and cries.

And so they're offering this silly rule:
"You kids, no copies in the nude.
You know it's been said many years, many days,
'Merry Christmas,
Merry Christmas,
Merry Christmas--
You're sued!'"

*Alternative lines (if the setting is altered a bit):
    Jewel's tied Carroll to a hunk from the choir
    You'll find Carol being done by the choir.
    Jewel's tied Carroll to a bunk by the fire.
**Alternative line:
    And Boy George dressed up like a 'ho.'

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 77
From: Genie
Date: 22 Dec 01 - 02:25 AM

This challenge is too good a story not to keep at it, so here goes another one:

Give It A Rest,  Ye Merry Revelers
Words:  Jeanene Pratt © 2001
Music:  God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen

Give it a rest, ye merry revelers, beware what you display.
Remember that our Savin is not a toy for play!
To save us all from litigation, no more childish games.

  (Refrain) Oh, chidings of "Bum sport!" annoy, "Bum sport!"  annoy!
    Oh, chidings of "Bum sport!" annoy!

From Sid, our legal counsel, a blasted memo came
And unto certain staffers brought chidings for their game
Of "Sit Upon The Copier And Bare Your Bod," by name.

(Refrain)

Now all your Christmas bonuses are by the "Virgin's" grace,
So kindly put your clothes back on before you now embrace,
The only cheeks you may xerox are those upon your face!
 

(Refrain)

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 77
From: GUEST,Sonja
Date: 22 Dec 01 - 04:10 AM

Genie and I gotta get these done so we can read the other entries!  (I'll admit, I've read a couple of Derrymasch's, and they're hilarious!)

Sonja
 

HE CAME UPON THE XEROX CLEAR
W:  Sonja W. Oates   © 2001
M:  It Came Upon the Midnight Clear (Richard Stores. Willis, 1851)

He came upon the Xerox clear, that curious old CEO.
From angles pressing where he perched to touch his parts--Oh Ho!!!!.
"Piss on the mirth, good Mobile men!
Good Heavens, and gracious!  This stinks!"
The lawyers in solemn stiffness say they'll bear no more such things!

Still thru the closet doors they come with private things unveiled;
And still these reveling jokers plop on said machine their tails.
Above its sagging and creaking glass they're bent on uncovering their cans,
And ever o'er the net they send their blasted bare-bottom scans.

For lo, Boss Branson is chast'ning us our profits to uphold,
And with our internet circling rears may come a ton of gold.
But the lawyers over all the mirth their dampened blankets fling,
And the whole staff give them the bird and listen to Liberty sing.

"The scanner 'neath its crushing load, those forms all bending it low,
May geld you if it should explode -- how painful that is, we know!
Look out, for greedy & golden hordes lurk slyly in the wings.
To arrest you," the lawyers do forebode, "and sue you for everything!"

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 77
From: Áine
Date: 22 Dec 01 - 09:37 AM

Good Morning, Challenge!rs!

I know that you're all awaiting the slinging of the Silver B.L.O.B.s with bated breath(s) -- however, I have to make a run into Dallas for a bit o' business this morning, so I'll be slinging with a smile upon my return.

Keep 'em coming and I'll see y'all real soon, Áine

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 77
From: Amos
Date: 22 Dec 01 - 10:27 AM

Davep, Sonja, Genie, MMario:

You guys have me rolling in the office corridors!! These are all grounds for extreme hilarity. This is such a crew of talent! I love it.

A

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 77
From: Clifton53
Date: 22 Dec 01 - 06:34 PM

Dear Flabby
(Tune is Dear Abby by John Prine)

Dear Flabby,Dear Flabby
My cheeks are too wide
See the flesh hangin' down off the copier's side
My friends even laid on some reinforced glass
But it broke when it realized the heft of my ass
Signed, Too Beefy

Too Beefy, Too Beefy, your fate it is plain
The good lord switched places with your ass and your brain
So listen up heifer and listen up well
Pull your damn britches up you're startin' to smell
Signed, Dear Flabby

Dear Flabby, Dear Flabby, my office is whacked
Everybody down here is Xeroxing their crack
They've been asking me to participate
But I am too shy to because of my weight
Signed, Young Porker

Young Porker, Young Porker, don't make me get tough
Get up on that Danka and photog your duff
So listen up Chubby and listen up right
You won't make no headway by bein' uptight
Signed, Dear Flabby

Dear Flabby, Dear Flabby, I'm lean as a cat
And I wanna be just like Melanie Blatt
My friends all tell me " don't be in a rush"
But I just can't wait to show off my tush
Signed, Miss Starlet

Miss Starlet, Miss Starlet, you nasty 'lil witch
Cavorting around without wearing a stitch
Now listen up sister and listen up nice
Don't show no one nuthin' that's my good advice
Signed, Dear Flabby

Dear Flabby, Dear Flabby, my life is just gone
I'm young and I'm wealthy but I'm all alone
My friends all tell me I'm so well endowed
Perhaps I've been hangin' out with the wrong crowd
Signed, Horse Hopper

Horse Hopper, Horse Hopper, it's never too late
But you won't catch no fish if you don't flash no bait
So listen up Buster and listen up sound
Just Xerox that thing with some ladies around
Signed, Dear Flabby

Clifton

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 77
From: Genie
Date: 22 Dec 01 - 07:53 PM

Since Jack The Sailor one-upped me on my first entry (how dare he write a parody of the same song I chose and do it better than
I did??!),  I gotta submit yet another.

Genie

Jolie All Saints' Melanie
Words: Genie © 2001
Tune: Jolly Old St. Nicholas
Jolie All Saints' Melanie scanned her rear this way.
(Some folks sell with jingle bells, Virgin with horseplay!)
Her Christmas ad is airing soon, and to boost our bottom line,
If you'll Xerox your derrière, I will fax you mine!

When the mood strikes everyone (chemically enhanced),
On the copier strong and clear we'll all drop our pants.
When all the shocking private parts are pictured in a row.
Sir Dick's will be the shortest one. (Don't ask me how I know.)

Johnny is a hairy ape;  Susie's cheeks are red;
Jenny wants her picture took with her wings wide-spread.
As for me, that "morals clause," is sticking in my craw.
(Booze for me---perhaps applause?---might make me test that law.)

Lawyer grinches, sticks up ass, mean to bar our way.
"Why don't you stick to good, old-fashioned mistletoe?" they say.
The Christmas cleavage canceled now, quoth our VP, Stan:
"Come kiss me 'neath this mistletoe I hold above my can."

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 77
From: Genie
Date: 22 Dec 01 - 08:18 PM

Clifton, I'm in awe!

Genie

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 77
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 22 Dec 01 - 10:36 PM

Clifton To paraphrase a movie, ya had me a "Cheeks are too wide" I was smiling for a couple of minutes on that one line.

Then I came to Genie's Entry. Imagine my jaw dropping embarrassment. Especially since someone had done it to me in challenge 76 or 76, (don't recall which and it pays not to dwell) All I can say is I read and enjoyed your first entry without recognizing the song and apparantly it pays to mention which song is being parodied.

BTW the second entry is very funny, luckily it has restored my smile. All the best of the season to you.

Rob

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 77
From: Genie
Date: 22 Dec 01 - 11:51 PM

Jack, as Áine has reminded me, people often choose the same song to parody, usually quite unknowingly. Some songs, such as Little Drummer Boy, in this instance, are ripe for parodying. (Note that two of us have already used "The Christmas Song.") I just thought that your use of "Pa rump a Bum Bum" was cleverer, with more double entendre, than my "Bum bum bum bum bum." No cause for you to be embarrassed--I was praising your work.

Genie

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 77
From: Amos
Date: 23 Dec 01 - 12:42 AM

Geeze, with all this backpatting, the TGG better come back from town before we pound ourselves into mutally awestruck smithereens!! :>)

A.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 77
From: Genie
Date: 23 Dec 01 - 02:07 AM

Well, Amos, send in one of yours and we'll pat yours, too (back, that is)!<BR><BR>Genie   §;-)

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 77
From: Amos
Date: 23 Dec 01 - 03:03 AM

(Genie: On a technical note it looks like you are using Composer to write posts before posting them, but also including HTML codes characters like br's and p's. The HTML generated by Composer doesn't parse these as HTML but as literals-whats hows up is not the line break but the actual characters "<", "BR", and ">". If you want to insert addditional HTML code commands into a Composer-generated HTML post you have to do it after you copy the source and paste it in the post box.)

I wrote one way back at the beginning of the challenge but it isn't as good as some of the subsequent ones!

A

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 77
From: Genie
Date: 23 Dec 01 - 03:23 AM

Actually, Amos, you are quite right, but the gaffe was the result of my doing the procedure properly, then trying to insert more copy, then re-pasting, etc. You saw the result. Moral: Finish the damned thing (in Composer) before you copy it from Page Source!

Genie

P.S.
I also wrote one (in knee-jerk) fashion way back at the beginning of the challenge--also not as good as subsequent ones.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 77
From: GUEST,Sonja
Date: 23 Dec 01 - 11:46 AM

MEMO

TO:        The employees of Virgin Mobile
FROM:   Myrth Cutter, Chief Legal Counsel for Virgin Mobile
               cc: The Royal Society For The Protection Of Accidents
DATE:     Dec. 15, 2001
RE:          Permissible Merriment at the annual Christmas party

 
"Mobile staff will please refrain
from placing objects on the pane
of glass upon our copying machine,
Such as large, unclad posteriors.
--Holidays are so much cheerier
If we don't incur a trauma scene.

"Tiny sprigs of good, old-fashioned
Mistletoe are corporate sanctioned,
Given that they not be overused.
(Uninvited osculation
Could give rise to litigation
On the grounds of sexual abuse.)

"We encourage moderation
When the staff take their libation
At the festive gathering this year,
Lest the circumstance arise
That some employee's heavy private
Parts are cut or burned beyond repair.

"Though the glass is reinforced,
A heavy corpus could, of course,
Suffice to cause a surface rupturing,
Resulting in a painful lesion
Leaving permanent adhesions.
--Now have fun, you kids, and lets all sing!"
 

Words: Sonja W. Oates © 2001
Tune:  Humoresque

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 77
From: GUEST,Sonja
Date: 23 Dec 01 - 11:58 AM

Amos, Now that I've allowed myself to read the prior entries, I must say that you and Derrymasch have imaginations extraordinare (mirabile dictu!)! I don't know if you guys are creative geniuses or deranged (or both). LOL!

Genie

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 77
From: Amos
Date: 23 Dec 01 - 03:23 PM

Sonja:

Well, if we're sorta trying to home in on the right answer, let's Home On Deranged. It's more amusing.

I love that legal missive -- it has JUST the toney element this thread needed!!

A

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 77
From: Aidan Crossey
Date: 23 Dec 01 - 06:47 PM

Not deranged ... honest ... (twitch) ...

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 77
From: Genie
Date: 24 Dec 01 - 02:12 AM

Amos, you're just full of it (punacity, that is)!

Genie §;-)

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 77
From: Genie
Date: 24 Dec 01 - 02:45 AM

Is there a Joe Clone out there who can edit one of my entries above?  I thought of a better title and first line, and I would like to change it.

The song in question is "Jolie All Saints' Melanie."
I would like to change it to "Jolie All Saints' Hawker Lass," because it's more of a pun on the original title.

Can Mudself or one of you clones change that in the title and in the first line of the song?

Thanks so much.

Genie

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 77
From: GUEST
Date: 24 Dec 01 - 06:49 AM

Derrymacash was sent over from North Armagh to educate the Cockneys, Sonja, he is a genius the only man I have ever seen that can down a Pint whilst trussed in a strait-jacket. Slan Ard Mhacha.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 77
From: Deda
Date: 24 Dec 01 - 11:50 AM

These are all so hilarious I really am LOL at my desk, causing workers to look askance. My only public excuse is that it's Christmas Eve and my SON is arriving from France tonight, for two weeks, so I'm actually too giddy to be at work at all, although I have a lot to do -- too much.

I haven't had time, or for some reason haven't seemed able to finish a proper entry but here are my fragmented beginnings. My own creative well is a little dry for some reason so I'd invite anyone so moved to add verses.

#1: Tune = I Didn't raise my boy to be a soldier (Lyrics by the office prude, Miss Grundy)

I didn't take this job to be a stripper

I didn't take this job to be a stripper
I took this job to earn my daily bread
Who dares to ask me to pull down my zipper
And bare my derriere without a thread?
Let workers moderate their drinking habits
It's time to put the booze and punch away!
There'd be no lawsuits, sir,
If workers would aver
I didn't take this job to be a stripper!

Scrap #2, tune = BRENNAN ON THE MOOR

It's of a poor accountant, a story I will tell
His name was Mr. Brennan and in Trowbridge he did dwell
It was at an office party that he lost his young career
Showing off his assets to many a laughing leer

It was Brennan on the glass
Brennan on the glass
Cold, bare and unbuttoned sat young Brennan on the glass!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 77
From: Deda
Date: 24 Dec 01 - 11:58 AM

PS "I didn't raise my boy to be a soldier is in the DT". I tried to do a link but I made some error, no doubt. Is there an elf who could link it? I realize that the elves of the world are terribly busy just now. ;o)

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 77
From: GUEST,Sonja
Date: 24 Dec 01 - 02:47 PM

I wasn't gonna do any more of these till after Christmas, but this one came to me while I was in the process of waking up this morning, and I couldn't get it out of my head. I've forgotten about the lawyers in this one, just focusing on the original advertising proposal.

Sonja


P.S., If anyone wants to add more "name choruses," be my guest.


Fifty Ways To Scan Your Booty
(or Fifty Ways To Scan Uncovered)

Some words ripped off and others thoroughly distorted from Paul Simon, by Sonja W. Oates. (Sorry, Paul)

"The bottom line is how you make your ad", said Melanie,
"The answer is easy if you take your cue from me.
I'd like to help you in your marketing, you see--
There must be fifty ways to scan uncovered.

"Just slip off your shorts, Schwarts; make a new scan, McCann;
Lower your drawers, Doris, set your soul free!
Get up there and squat, Scott; there's no need to blush, Rush!
Just strip to the knee, Lee (and try not to pee)!"

She said "It's us'lly not my habit to pose nude;
But done for dear old Virgin's sake, it's really not so crude.
So I repeat myself-- this is no place for prudes!
There must be fifty ways to scan your booty, fifty ways to scan your booty.

"Just hop on the screen, Jean (Try not to pass gas, lass);
Show us you're a boy, Roy, just follow my lead;
Just copy your crack, Jack,--No, ye dinna look fat, Pat--
Just straddle the glass, Cass (and fax one to me!)."

Said Melanie "It thrills me that you've little fear or shame--.
It's the least that we can do to up Sir Richard's market gain."
Said Richard, "It might work, but won't you demonstrate again
the fifty ways to scan uncovered?"
She said, "Why don't we--all of us--just sit on it tonight?"
I believe that with a few more rounds, we'll all be less up tight."
And then she showed us how, and I saw that she was right--
There must be fifty ways to scan uncovered, fifty ways to scan uncovered.

"Just flash us your jewels, O'Toole; Xerox your box, Ms. Rox;
Uncover your cheeks, Geeks (and try not to squirm).
Hop on the pane, Jane; Give us a show, Joe;
Give us a thrill, Will (It's all for the firm).

"Just share what you got, Scott; how far can you spread, Ned?;
Don't be a prude, Jude (nobody will see [wink, wink])
Just show us your tricks, Dick; It's like riding a bike, Mike;
Don't break the machine, Christine! (Leave some toner for me!)

(Repeat choruses ad nauseum.)


P.S., Deda, I like your "starts!" I have a few titles and hook lines that I've been toying with, too, but probably won't spend any more time on, so here are some songs ripe for this parody:
"Wreck Your Balls Upon the Copier"
"Let it show!" Let It Show! Let It Show!"
"I'm Sittin' On Top Of the 'Rox,"
"Sittin' On The Copy Machine (Sittin' On The Dock Of The Bay)"
"Bare-Bottom Browsers"