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First joke thread for 2007
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Subject: First joke thread for 2007 From: Wilfried Schaum Date: 05 Jan 07 - 09:49 AM Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'This wife awakens shortly after midnight, and doesn't find her husband in bed at her side. When looking for him in the house she hears sobbing and crying out of the sitting room. She finds her husband there, clutching half an empty bottle of whiskey and shedding tears galore. "What annoys you, my dear?" she asks. "Do you remember how your father trapped us together when you were just sixteen years old?" "Oh yes, dear, I still do." "And how he let me choose: either it is marriage or a sentence for 20 years?" "But that was so long ago! What is the problem now?" "TODAY I'D BE FREE!" |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: Wilfried Schaum Date: 05 Jan 07 - 09:57 AM And since we had such a fine Christmas season, just another one to remember it: Two very old men are sitting in the park watching the snowflakes falling. "Christmas is wonderful" one of them remarks. "Sexual intercourse is wonderful, too" the other replies. Short pause ... "But Christmas is more often!" |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: Geordie-Peorgie Date: 05 Jan 07 - 04:03 PM It's 11.50 at night. Policeman finds a car in a quiet lay-by with a bloke in the front seat reading a magazine and a young lady in the back, knitting. Copper asks what they are doing and the guy says, "I'm reading a magazine and she's knitting!" "And how old are you both?" asks the cop. The bloke say's, "I'm 22 and in ten minutes she'll be 16!" G-P |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: Cluin Date: 05 Jan 07 - 07:14 PM On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucket full of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. A couple of them dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Meanwhile, another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He thought he knew just what was going on over the fence. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come with me quickly, sir," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls." "Beat it kid!" the geezer waved him off. "Can't you see it's hard for me to walk?" The boy insisted, though, and finally persevered in getting the old man to hobble slowly over to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been telling me the truth! Now let's see if we can get a good look at the Lord." Quaking with trepidation, they peered through a gap in the fence, but were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the boards of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to see inside the cemetary. Then they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those two nuts by the fence and we'll be done." They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike. |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: Joe_F Date: 05 Jan 07 - 09:07 PM A young man and a young woman were sitting on a fence rail, watching a bull & a cow. He (shyly): "Gee, I wish I was a-doin' that". She (shrugs): "It's your cow." |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: Mrrzy Date: 05 Jan 07 - 10:00 PM My son, when asked to play in such a way that nothing was being hit, says Oh, come on, everything hits something, why, this hits the air (waving his napkin,), and this strikes a nerve (raising one finger...)! |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: GUEST,Peter Woodruff Date: 05 Jan 07 - 10:09 PM A three legged dog limps into the saloon and says, "I'm lookin' for the man that shot my paw." |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: Folkiedave Date: 06 Jan 07 - 09:04 AM Half-a-dozen sewage farm workers from Sheffield went to Skegness for the weekend. One of them fainted from the fresh air and it took six buckets of s**t to revive him. |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: Nigel Parsons Date: 06 Jan 07 - 10:12 AM It's started! England cricket jokes. Q. What do Geraint Jones and Michael Jackson have in common? A. They both wear gloves for no apparent reason Q. What is the height of optimism? A. An English batsman applying sunscreen. Advertisement your story continues below Q. What does Ashley Giles put in his hands to make sure the next ball almost always takes a wicket? A. A bat. Q. What advantage do Kevin Pietersen, Andrew Strauss and Geraint Jones have over the rest of their team-mates? A. At least they can say they're not really English. Q. What do you call an Englishman with 100 runs against his name? A. A bowler. Q. Who spends the most time on the crease of anyone in the English team? A. The person who ironed the cricket whites. |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: Hrothgar Date: 07 Jan 07 - 05:55 AM Did you hear about the two ships, one carrying purple paint and one carrying pink paint? They collided and sank. The crews were marooned. |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: GUEST,decky 1 Date: 07 Jan 07 - 07:21 AM There was this family that lived out in the middle of no-where, in a log Cabin in America. They had one son and his name was Joe, some mornings Joe would go out-side to the big barrel of water to shave, you see they didn't have a mirror so Joe would look into the barrel and see his reflection and that's how he shaved and washed. Well one day Joe said to his parents that he would like to go and explorer America. His parents were heart broken that he was leaving home, so Joe got his bags packed and said goodbye to his parents. A week later he arrived in New York, as he was walking down the street he seen a "Bed & Break-fast", he went to the door and rung the bell an elderly woman came to the door, Joe said hello, have you any rooms to Let, and the elderly woman said yes come in. An hour later when Joe was settled in, he went to the bathroom, as he was going he spied a mirror on the wall, and said Jesus! It's a photograph of me-self, so quickly he took the Mirror and put it into an envelope along with a letter he wrote and posted it to his parents. When his parents received the envelope the father opened it up and took out the letter to read it. Joe wrote, having a great time, but still missing home. The funny thing is I found a photograph of me-self in the place were I' am staying, I have sent it with the letter, Your son Joe. His father took out the Mirror from the envelope and looked into it, he then shouted for his wife. He said, Mary come and see how old our Joe has got, his wife came in and the both of them looked into Mirror, and Mary says, not a bit wonder with old bitch he's going about with. |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: freda underhill Date: 07 Jan 07 - 09:09 AM How many members of the Bush administration does it take to change a light bulb? 1. One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed; 2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to be changed; 3. One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb; 4. One to arrange the invasion of a country rumored to have a secret stockpile of light bulbs; 5. One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to Halliburton for the new light bulb; 6. One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor, standing on a step ladder under the banner: Light Bulb Change Accomplished; 7. One administration insider to resign and write a book documenting in detail how Bush was literally in the dark; 8. One to viciously smear #7; 9. One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how George Bush has had a strong light-bulb-changing policy all along; 10. And finally one to confuse Americans about the difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country. |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: freda underhill Date: 07 Jan 07 - 09:16 AM Earlier this week in Washington, funeral services were held for former President Gerald Ford and all the living presidents were there. That doesn't happen often. They all got together. President Carter called Ford a wonderful man. Bill Clinton called Ford a true American. And President Bush called Ford the guy who invented the automobile. Commentators noted that apart from President Bush, Ford was the only person to become president without winning an election. |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: freda underhill Date: 07 Jan 07 - 09:27 AM Bush, Einstein and Picasso at the Pearly Gates Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?" Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?" Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity. Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!" he says. "Welcome to heaven!" The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials. Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?" Saint Peter says, "Go ahead." Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk. Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!" he says. "Come on in!" Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?" George W. looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?" Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, George." |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: freda underhill Date: 07 Jan 07 - 09:30 AM Famous Last Words Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and George W. Bush were set to face a firing squad in a small Central American country. Bill Clinton was the first one placed against the wall and just before the order was given he yelled out, "Earthquake!" The firing squad fell into a panic and Bill jumped over the wall and escaped in the confusion. Al Gore was the second one placed against the wall. The squad was reassembled and Al pondered what he had just witnessed. Again before the order was given Al yelled out, "Tornado!" Again the squad fell apart and Al slipped over the wall. The last person, George W. Bush, was placed against the wall. He was thinking, "I see the pattern here, just scream out something about a disaster and hop over the wall." He confidently refused the blindfold as the firing squad was reassembled. As the rifles were raised in his direction he grinned from ear to ear and yelled, "Fire!" |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: Tom Hamilton frae Saltcoats Scotland Date: 07 Jan 07 - 09:36 AM how many sound engineers does it take to change a light bulb? one two one two |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: Midchuck Date: 07 Jan 07 - 10:25 AM how many sound engineers does it take to change a light bulb? Or, alternatively, how many bluegrass bass players does it take to change a light bulb? I'm not sure...one?...five?...one?...five?...one?...five?...one?...five? Peter. |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: GUEST,Psychologist extraordinaire Date: 07 Jan 07 - 11:34 AM How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb. The answer is three, one to actually change it but two to question it to see if it really wants to change. |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: Tom Hamilton frae Saltcoats Scotland Date: 07 Jan 07 - 11:53 AM i think we should start a light bulb joke thread |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: Tom Hamilton frae Saltcoats Scotland Date: 07 Jan 07 - 11:58 AM here is a horrible Joke (warning) knock knock who's there earl earl who Earl be bluebirds over the white cliffs of Dover Sorry about that |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: GUEST,Me again Date: 07 Jan 07 - 12:01 PM Knock knock. Who's there? Sam and Janet. Sam and Janet who? Sam and Janet evening, You will meet a stranger. Knock knock. Who's there? Fire Drill. Firew Drill who? Fire Drill the world, Everyday would be the first day of Spring Almost as bad as yours or perhaps worse? |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: Captain Ginger Date: 07 Jan 07 - 12:09 PM Knock Knock Who's there? Wurlitzer. Wurlitzer who? Wurlitzer one for the money, two for the... Knock Knock Who's there? Maybe it's a big horse. Maybe it's a big horse who? Maybe it's a big horse I'm a Londoner... Sorry, I'll get my coat. |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: open mike Date: 07 Jan 07 - 12:45 PM a whole page full of musician jokes here: http://www.ducksdeluxe.com/jokes.html |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: Nigel Parsons Date: 07 Jan 07 - 12:45 PM Knock Knock Who's there? Tarzan. Tarzan who? Tarzan old mill by the stream, Nellie Dean... Knock Knock Who's there? Chester, Chester who? Chester song at twilight, when the lights are low... I'll get someone else's coat Nigel |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: autolycus Date: 07 Jan 07 - 01:55 PM Two old blokes sat together on a park bench for hours in silence. Suddenly one of them sighs. The other jumps to his feet saying,"Look, if you're going to talk politics I'm off!" Ivor |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: Folkiedave Date: 07 Jan 07 - 04:10 PM How many members of the EFDSS does (did) it take to change a light bulb? Change?????????? ---------------------------------------------------------------- I put the did in because I believe that joke is a lot less true than it used to be. |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: GUEST,Me again Date: 07 Jan 07 - 04:58 PM Ten doctors and ten lawyers were asked to test viagra. The doctors all reported increased virility and a better sex life. The lawyers bodies grew a little taller and a little stiffer. |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: Naemanson Date: 10 Jan 07 - 07:29 AM Knock, knock. Who's there? Control Freak... Now you say "Control Freak who?" I have no idea what EFDSS is or what it did or did not do. |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: Scrump Date: 10 Jan 07 - 12:05 PM Here's some old ones that for some reason I was reminded of by the above jokes. News: an elephant was reported doing a ton on the M6 Midland Expressway today. Motorists are advised to approach with caution and treat it as a roundabout until it can be cleared up. Meanwhile, on the M1 a truckload of strawberries collided with a tanker full of fresh cream. A police spokesman on the spot said: "Delicious!" More traffic news: a truckload of wigs crashed on the M4 earlier in mysterious circumstances today. Police are combing the area for clues. And a thief stole the toilets from the Bedford police station last night. Police say they have nothing to go on. Finally, a large hole appeared in London's Oxford Street today. Police are looking into it. And I regret to say there's more where they came from! :-D Now, I'll get me coat before someone gets it for me. |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: Folkiedave Date: 10 Jan 07 - 05:22 PM They came from "The Two Ronnies". |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: Splott Man Date: 11 Jan 07 - 04:20 AM They were "collected" by the Two Ronnies' scriptwriters. |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: Georgiansilver Date: 11 Jan 07 - 04:44 AM And SCRUMP.....The Police Dog HQ was broken into and items stolen today. The Police spokesman said they have no leads. |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: GUEST,CrazyEddie Date: 11 Jan 07 - 04:44 AM Two men robbed a bank today. One was described as six feet four & blond, the other as five feet three & dark. Police are searching high & low for the suspects. |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: Scrump Date: 11 Jan 07 - 06:23 AM Partly right guys - yes some were from the "Two Ronnies", but at least one was from "Round The Horne". They also used to have similar "fake announcement" type jokes on "I'm Sorry I'll Read That Again". (I did say they were old jokes!) And finally the Weather Forecast: it'll be dry in Rye, cool in Goole, and if you live in Lissingdown take an umbrella. (© 2 Ronnies) |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: Trevor Date: 11 Jan 07 - 07:03 AM I'm a dyslexic satanist. I worship the drivel. |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: Trevor Date: 11 Jan 07 - 07:05 AM Frappe frappe Qui est la? Alors mi (pronounce the 's') Alors mi qui? Ho ho! |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: Trevor Date: 11 Jan 07 - 07:12 AM Three nuns at the pearly gates. St Peter tells them that they must answer a question correctly before they will be allowed to enter. He asks the first one "What was the name of the first man in creation?" "Adam" comes back the response. "OK, you're in" says Pete. Next one, he asks "What was the name of the first woman?" "Eve" says she, and is duly let in. Third nun is Mother Superior. "OK", says Pete, "this one will be a bit more difficult as you should know more.........what were Eve's first words to Adam when she saw him for the first time?" "Mmmmmm....." says the Abbess, "...that IS a hard one...." "Ok" he says, "come on in". |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: GUEST,jimlad Date: 11 Jan 07 - 01:12 PM A lorry load of Viagra has been hijacked on the M1 Police are hunting a Gang of hardened criminals They are now making 'Optrex Eye Drops ' with Viagra added Does nothing for your eyes but it makes you look hard. My neighbour got a Viagra tablet stuck in his throat. He had a stiff neck for a week. |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: autolycus Date: 11 Jan 07 - 05:54 PM John Smith sees a road accident. When the police arrive, one says to J.S.,"I gather,sir,you saw the accident. I'll have to take a few particulars. "Name,sir?" "John Smith." "No,sir,you're real name please." "Oh.Oh,put me down as Winston Churchill." "Win. ston. Church. ill. Thank you,sir. We don't take any of that 'John Smith stuff." Ivor |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: Joe_F Date: 12 Jan 07 - 12:09 AM "I called the police about the missing oscilloscope. They say they have a couple of leads." "I hope this won't trigger a sweep of the neighborhood." |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 12 Jan 07 - 03:54 AM Thieves stole a cement truck, which overturned on the M1. Police are hunting a Gang of hardened criminals. |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: Slag Date: 12 Jan 07 - 05:52 AM Confucious say "Man who squeeze through turnstile going to Bangkok!" What's grey and comes in quarts? Elephants. |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: Scrump Date: 12 Jan 07 - 07:19 AM More old Two Ronnies news items: A pickpocket was chased out of Battersea Funfair today and ran into the Post Office Tower. Police immediately threw a ring around it - and the Postmaster General gave them a goldfish. A man who threw his mother-in-law into the crocodile pool at Bellevue Zoo has been prosecuted by the RSPCA. And a man was detained at Savile Row police station after an incident involving a topless model in an Oxford Street store window. He was arrested and later charged with a smash and two grabs. Finally, during the University Boat Race, a drunk and disorderly Cambridge fan who urinated from the Hammersmith Bridge while the Oxford crew were passing underneath, was accused of having one over the eight. |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: GUEST Date: 12 Jan 07 - 10:02 AM Dolly Parton and Camilla Parker-Bowels die on the same day and arrive at the pearly gates together. St Peter says "sorry ladies there is only room for one today,sort it out between you. Dolly gets her boobs out and says " Just look at these beauties,God will enjoy seeing these" Camilla gets a bottle of Perrier water and gives herself a vaginal douche. " Come in Camilla" says St Pete Dolly is furious and asks for an explanation. "Well" says St Peter "Everyone knows a Royal Flush beats a Pair" |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: Scrump Date: 12 Jan 07 - 10:20 AM LOL :-D |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: Scrump Date: 12 Jan 07 - 10:24 AM Here's one I just made up myself: It is reported that all the beds have been stolen from the sleeping quarters at the Police station. A spokeman said they will not rest until they have caught the criminals responsible. ...Oh well, please yourself. |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: Geordie-Peorgie Date: 13 Jan 07 - 07:11 AM From The Two Ronnies. Interpol want to question Joseph Camilleri, an itinerant farm worker who is the illegitimate sone of an excommunicated nun now living in Spain. He is wanted for questioning in connection with looting in Israel and an armed bank raid in London. Police are looking for a "Haifa-looting, Tooting shooting, son-of-a-nun from Barcelona, part time ploughboy Joe!" |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: eddie1 Date: 13 Jan 07 - 08:43 AM Supposedly not a joke but something which actually happened. No offence to Mudcatters on the Western edge of the pond intended. The following is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation that took place in Oct 1995, between a US Navy ship off the coast of England, and some British authority. The transcript was released by the MoD. Brits: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid collision. Brits: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid collision. Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. Brits: Negative. I say again, YOU will have to divert your course. Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP. Brits: We are a lighthouse, F*** off. Eddie |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: jeffp Date: 13 Jan 07 - 12:28 PM It's funny, Eddie, but unfortunately, it never happend. The real story. |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: Georgiansilver Date: 13 Jan 07 - 01:32 PM In fact the Admiralty have admitted that this actually took place in 1967 but the details were 'classified' until 1997 when it was made public. It did happen! |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: Doug Chadwick Date: 13 Jan 07 - 01:45 PM Last time I heard the story, it was a Canadian lighthouse. DC |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: gnu Date: 13 Jan 07 - 01:48 PM Hey, it's still funny. Like this. My Bro was asked to assemble a task team during an exercise in the 60's in Germany. The job was to assess defense of infiltration and subversive attack on an air base. He chose two men. After successfully entering the base, one man jacked a large snowblower truck and ran it on the edge of a taxiway alongside a hangar housing F-5 Lawndarts armed with nukes. The gravel on the side of the taxiway was "two inch washed stone", just large enough to withstand jet blast. All hands went to the defense of the hangar, thinking it was under heavy machine gun fire, as the glass wall panels near the roof (for light in a power outage) were being smashed to hell by the stones thrown at a great rate of knots from the snowblower. Of course, a THUNDERING noise was also created from stones hitting the side of the metal building. Bro and the second man proceeded to take the Comm-Comm centre (Command and Control) with little effort as everyone was scared shitless about the nukes and the sentries were easily duped when they saw men coming at them in radiation suits screaming, "Get your suits on! Get your suits on!" In Bro's summary report, under recommendations, one item said, "Those who park in glass hangars should not have stonethowers." Of course, that's a bullshit story. Never happened. Who could believe the ramblings of a Canuck Sgt and two Cpls... Acting, Lance, Unpaid? |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: jeffp Date: 13 Jan 07 - 02:03 PM Of course you can cite your source, Georgiansilver. |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: Georgiansilver Date: 13 Jan 07 - 02:35 PM jeffp of course I can cite my source. My memory of what was published in the Guardian newspaper in 1967. I may be getting on in years but no signs of dementia yet. |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: Georgiansilver Date: 13 Jan 07 - 02:37 PM or was that 1997....ROFLOL. |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: Georgiansilver Date: 13 Jan 07 - 02:37 PM Or maybe it was.....Oh sod it! |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: jeffp Date: 13 Jan 07 - 03:15 PM Uh-huh |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: Big Jim from Jackson Date: 13 Jan 07 - 03:15 PM What happened to the rest of the joke threads? These should be made available. I've tried searching for "joke" and other related wording and they wont come up. Also, when you click on this thread, there are no related threads at the top as there are on most topics. |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: Slag Date: 14 Jan 07 - 02:45 AM Just wait. They'll be around again and they'll be like you never heard 'em before. |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: gnu Date: 14 Jan 07 - 09:10 AM YO! Big Jim...... http://www.mudcat.org/thread.cfm?threadid=39208 It's a list of all the joke threads..... you didn't look for a Permathread. |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: gnu Date: 14 Jan 07 - 09:16 AM I must still be asleep. Sorry, Jim. Did you search or did you "filter" the word joke? The filter is just above the list of threads. Set the number of days back as far as you wish. |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: Big Jim from Jackson Date: 14 Jan 07 - 11:11 AM Thanks, gnu !!!!! Someday I'll learn to find my way around this web site. I'm glad the jokes are in a permanent thread---they constitute an aspect of folk lore that is quite as legitimate as the songs. Both are important to our culture. Thanks again. Big Jim Hickam from Jackson, Missouri |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: Bert Date: 14 Jan 07 - 12:40 PM ...they constitute an aspect of folk lore... and some of them make you laugh too! |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: gnu Date: 14 Jan 07 - 04:52 PM Okay... after much football and beers... otherwise I wi=ouldn't DARE post this joke... it is VERY not PC.... LADIES... do NOT read.... Daddy, what's a vagina? Son, that;s waht your mother has between her legs. Oh... well, what's a c***? Son, that;s the rest of her. Hey! I tyold youse not to read it.... don't PM me, ladies. |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 14 Jan 07 - 06:53 PM gnu & Big Jim from Jackson - Most of the 'joke threads' (which often did not have the word 'joke' in the subject line) have not been put in that Permathread for many years. Which is the reason I started the 'tradition' of naming them thus a few years ago - and I seem to remember there was a certain degree of er,... tension... at the time which nearly made a 'shambles' of the whole thing (and me!)... but that's enough of that! :-) I was certainly surprised to see this one started in this subject line pattern by someone else this year.... :-) as many other posters have continued to start threads containing jokes with random names since then - some of them I cross-referenced into on of the current 'Joke Threads' at the time. The original idea was that searches (or the Subject Line Filter) would easily identify and return a list of threads of the format 'Number' Joke Thread for 'Year'. Robin |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: Georgiansilver Date: 14 Jan 07 - 07:13 PM A very young girl walked into the bathroom when her dad was having a shower and looked at him...."What are those for" she exclaimed ....."Four"!!! said the dad. |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 14 Jan 07 - 07:20 PM Walk proud Dad! she yelled.... :-P |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: Georgiansilver Date: 18 Jan 07 - 02:01 PM This guy goes to a wizard and asks him if he can break a curse...the wizard replies that he can break any curse known to man. "Tell me the exact words of the curse" said the wizard "I will then remove it for you". "That's easy" said the man "It was...I now pronounce you man and wife" |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: Georgiansilver Date: 18 Jan 07 - 02:10 PM Three guys in an elderly persons facility are discussing the past...the 'good old days'. One guy is 70...one 80....and the other 90 yrs old. The seventy year old says "I wish I could go to the toilet and have an uninterrupted flow of urine" ....the eighty year old said "If I could have a wish it would be to have an easy bowel movement as I always have to strain and sometimes the pain of trying really drains me" .....The ninety year old says..." I have never had a problem with urine flow and never had a problem with bowel movements in all my life. I have always had an uninterrupted urine flow at 6.30am precisely every day and a regular bowel movement at 6.35am" ....all went very quiet until the seventy year old said to the ninety year old "Well if you could have one wish, what would you wish for"? .....The ninety year old thought for a minute and said "I would wish that I could wake before 8am in the mornings" |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: GUEST,heric Date: 18 Jan 07 - 02:12 PM An English couple had tried for many years to have a child, and were finally successful. Since they had gotten on in years, they were willing to have several genetic tests done during the pregnancy. At a meeting with the obstetrician, following one of these tests, he sat them down to inform them that their child was German. The doctor said there was nothing to worry about – the child could grow up and lead an entirely normal life. Nothing was to be done but raise him as any other child and enjoy their time with him. And, indeed, after he was born everything was fine. He wore lederhosen and had a bowl cut for a hairstyle, but other than for small peculiarities and habits of that nature, one couldn't guess that there was anything wrong. Except for one nagging concern that grew more worrisome over time. The child never spoke. Of course the parents grew increasingly concerned about his absence of speech. The pediatrican(s) always told them not to worry – You couldn't expect him to be a perfectly normal child, of course, but there was nothing was so terribly wrong that they should upset themselves over it. Years passed. The parents never stopped taking the child for consults, although these diminished in frequency over the years, and the parents accepted their child just as he was. Then one day, at the age of seven, the boy walked out of the kitchen and said: "Mother, this tomato soup is tepid." Both parents stared in dumb-struck amazement. The mother said 'You can talk?" The child responded "of course." "But why have you never spoken for all of these years??" asked the father. The boy simply stated: "Because up until this point everything has been entirely satisfactory." |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: Seaking Date: 19 Jan 07 - 02:05 PM Two guys are sitting in a boat enjoying the fishing and peaceful sunset while sipping on a stubbie when suddenly Bruce says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months." Bill takes a sip out of his stubby and says, "You better think it over mate - women like that are hard to find." |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: HuwG Date: 19 Jan 07 - 10:16 PM This one was inspired by a recent news report in Britain about a drunkard who had to be rescued after collapsing on a railway track (with his head only inches from the live third rail). One night, the Police are called to another such incident, but by the time they arrive the 20:35 express has gone through and the body is missing its head. The sergeant shakes his head and wonders aloud, "How the Hell are we going to identify this one?" "Excuse me, Sarge", says one constable, "but you know those three drunks who cause trouble in town every single night ? Well, I've just heard that two of them are on the High Stret now, and they're going from pub to pub looking for their friend Gary. Perhaps we've got what's left of Gary here." "Worth a try", says the sergeant. "Pull those two drunks in, and take them to the morgue. Let's see if they can identify this." The first alky is taken into the morgue. The sergeant asks, "Sorry if this is distressing for you, but is this the body of your friend Gary ?" The drunk focusses blearily, then says, "I can't tell from this angle. Turn him over, will you." The surprised mortuary assistants turn the body onto its front. "No, I don't think that's him", says the drunk. "OK", says the sergeant. "Send your friend in, see if he does any better." The second drunk lurches into the room. "Is this your friend Gary ?" asks the sergeant again. The drunk says, "I don't know. Turn him over, please". Once again, the assistants turn the headless corpse onto its front. "No, that's not him", says the drunk, emphatically. "OK, sorry to trouble you", says the sergeant. "Before you go, can you tell us what distinguishing mark or feature you were looking for on the back of the body ?". "Sure", says the drunk. "Gary had two rectums, if that's the right name for them." "Yes, that's the correct medical term", says the pathologist. "But are you sure of your facts ? I've never heard of anyone with that condition." "Well, I haven't actually seen them myself", confesses the drunk, "But every time the three of us walked into a pub, someone would say, 'Oh sh*t, here comes Gary with those two arseholes ! '". |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: Bee-dubya-ell Date: 24 Jan 07 - 02:49 PM People around the world were stunned today by news of the unexpected death of the Energizer Bunny. Autopsy reports have determined that the exact cause of the Bunny's death was severe sexually-induced exhaustion. Someone reversed the polarity of his batteries and he kept coming, and coming, and coming, and coming... |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: Naemanson Date: 25 Jan 07 - 03:27 AM Q.) Why does a penis have a hole in the end? A.) So men can be open minded. Q.) What's the speed limit of sex? A.) 68 because at 69 you have to turn around. Q.) What do you do with 365 used rubbers? A.) Melt them down make a tire, and call it a Goodyear. Q.) What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common? A.) They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed. |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: Wilfried Schaum Date: 25 Jan 07 - 08:05 AM One day the penis meets the breasts. P: How do do, you jolly two? Bs: Oh, we are leading a wonderful life. In the morning we get fine ablutions with luke warm water, then we are packed in soft baskets, cradled an dandle around all day, and in the evening when we are unpacked we are fondled and get kisses galore. It is really a wonderful life. And you, dear P.? P: It is a lousy life full of stress and pressure. In the morning I get some ice cold ablutions, then I am twisted into tight trousers, pressed all the day, and when I am finally relieved in the evening, they dress me in a narrow mackintosh, with a hood over my eyes so I cannot see anything, and then they bang my poor head against a wall until I must vomit. |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 25 Jan 07 - 07:48 PM Those of you who have survived the era of The Institutional Mission Statement may appreciate this... Nightingale Conant's FREE Online Mission Statement Builder Success or failure as a human being is not a matter of luck, circumstances, fate, or any of the other tiresome old clichés. Those are only excuses. The power to achieve the life of your dreams is in your hands*&* — and the first step toward activating it is identifying the specific goals that will make your dreams real. After all, it's much easier to get what you want out of life when you know where you're going. A mission statement is only a paragraph long, but it has specific, measurable outcomes and a deadline for accomplishing that outcome. It's truly the best way to start your journey to success. And our FREE tool makes it easy for you to put your mission statement together in a simple, step-by-step, five-minute process. Jim Rohn said, "You cannot change your destination overnight, but you can change your direction overnight." Creating a mission statement will help you change your direction. In just five minutes from now, you will have made the shift from an ordinary existence to an extraordinary existence. *&* Unfortunately that is often only too true - and we Aussies have a word for them... |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: GUEST,Bardan Date: 25 Jan 07 - 10:27 PM what do cunnilingus and the mafia havin common? One slip of the tongue and you're in shit. A preacher and his wife retired to another house, but unfortunately the preacher died a few months later. The wife grieved but eventually got on with her life until the day the postal service messed up. You see a husband had got a job in hawaii and was preparing things for his bride's imminent arrival. The husband's letter had got sent to the wrong house. The preacher's widow was found dead clutching the following letter. My Darling, Well, I had to adjust but I've settled down very well. Everything is ready for your arrival in two weeks. I can't wait to see you again! PS. It sure is hot down here. |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: Wilfried Schaum Date: 26 Jan 07 - 06:18 AM Sorry, in my post of Jan 25 a line is missing (inserted in bold letters): ... with a hood over my eyes so I cannot see anything, and then they shove me into a narrow tunnel and bang my poor head against a wall until I must vomit. |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: wlisk Date: 26 Jan 07 - 04:06 PM Ole is a farmer in Minnesota. He is in need of a new milk cow and hears about a nice one for sale over in Soudakota (that would be 'South Dakota' for you non-Scandahoovians out there). He drives to Soudakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow. Ole reaches under to see if she gives milk. When he grabs the teat and pulls...the cow farts. Ole is very surprised. He looks at the farmer who is selling the cow, then reaches under the cow to try again. He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out however, so after some discussion with the cow's current owner, Ole decides to buy the cow and take it home. When he gets back to Minnesota, he calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says, "Hey, Sven, come and look at dis here new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat, and see vat happens." Sven reaches under, pulls the teat - and the cow farts Sven looks at Ole and says, "You bought dis here cow in Soudakota, didn't yah?" Ole is very surprised since he hadn't told Sven about his trip. Ole replies, "Yah, dats right. But how did you know?" Sven says, "My wife is from Soudakota." |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: The Walrus Date: 27 Jan 07 - 03:20 AM An old man went to see his Doctor "Doctor, I want you to lower my sex drive!" The doctor looked at him in amazement "Mr Jones, you're 87, your sex drive is all in your head" "Yes" said Jones "I want it lowered about three feet" |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: autolycus Date: 27 Jan 07 - 03:26 AM This one is from Dilbert. One to another in the office:"I used to be a sheep farmer." other:"That's interesting. How many did you have?". "Don't know really. Every time I started counting them,I fell asleep". Ivor |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: Cluin Date: 27 Jan 07 - 08:37 AM A wino walked into a bar one day, and started begging for drinks. One of the patrons tells him he'll buy the old sot a drink, but first he has to take a drink from the spittoon over in the corner. The wino is in a bad way, so he takes the guy up on his offer, goes over and picks up the spittoon, raises it to his lips, and starts chugging away. The guy at the bar, who didn't really believe the wino would take him up on his offer, is horrified. "Stop! Stop!" he yells, "I'll buy you a drink now!" But the wino keeps on drinking from the spittoon. Again the guy at the bar calls out, "Stop! Put the spittoon down! I'll buy you the damn drink!" But the wino keeps on drinking. Finally, after about five minutes he stops, and puts the spittoon down. So they guy at the bar says, "Hey, didn't you hear me telling you to stop? Why didn't you stop?" "I couldn't," the wino replies, "it was all one string." |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: GUEST,Otto Date: 27 Jan 07 - 09:40 AM Two men are walking along a London street when they see a dog licking his own genitalia. "don't you wish you could do that?" says one to the other. "Yes", says the other "but I'm afraid he might try to bite me." |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: John Hardly Date: 27 Jan 07 - 09:55 AM A young man was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from college. While he was walking through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed so the man approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot. There was a large thorn deeply embedded in the bottom of the foot. As carefully and as gently as he could he worked the thorn out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him. For a good ten minutes the man stood frozen thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. The man never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later the man was walking through the zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to where they were standing at the rail. The large bull elephant stared at him and lifted it's front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times, all the while staring at the man. The man couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. After a while it trumpeted loudly; then it continued to stare at him. The man summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing him. Probably wasn't the same elephant. |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: John Hardly Date: 27 Jan 07 - 09:58 AM Two very old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. One leaned over and said, "Life is so boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $5, I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!" You're on!" said the other lady, holding up a $5 bill. As fast as she could, the first little old lady fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked through the front door of the flower show. Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall followed by loud applause. The naked lady burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd. "What happened?" asked her waiting friend. "I won first prize as Best Dried Arrangement, she replied |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: Flash Company Date: 28 Jan 07 - 09:55 AM From Private Eye:- Here is the Weather Forecast for Iraq.....Sunni in places, Shi-ite in others! FC |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: wlisk Date: 28 Jan 07 - 07:35 PM Married for a Night A man and a woman, who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying,"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married." "Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed. "Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket!" After a moment of silence, he farted. |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: bubblyrat Date: 29 Jan 07 - 10:00 AM One day, a woman in the far south of Ireland hears a knock at her door. She goes to the door, and there's a tramp/hobo standing there. "What is it you're wanting?" she says. "Oh sure and I haven't had any food at all for tree days now, and I'm starving. Could you spare anything, Missus?" "Would you eat anything, now?" says the woman. "I would, that," says the man. "How about yesterday's stew?" says the woman. "Oh! That would be just fine!" says the man. "Well, come back tomorrow then," says the woman! |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: bubblyrat Date: 29 Jan 07 - 10:17 AM This one is supposed to be true. During WW2,the woman in charge of the WRNS ( "WAVES " in US ) was determined to show that her girls were capable of "roughing it " and putting up with the same hardships as the men.So she requested permission to send a detail of lady sailors to the remote and inhospitable Naval Base at Scapa Flow, off the North West coast of Scotland. This was refused----several times. Eventually,in desperation, she asked to see the Commander in Chief. As she walked into his office, the C-in-C said " I know why you"re here ,and the answer is NO ! " "But !--" she exclaimed "That"s SO unfair ! " , and,tapping the side of her head with one finger " My girls have got it up here !" " I Don"t care where they"ve got it --" said the Admiral--"My boys will find it,and the answer is NO !" |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: Roger the Skiffler Date: 02 Feb 07 - 06:38 AM This was sent to me by a former colleague..wonder why he's still single! We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below... GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?" BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say: "You're next." I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome since both result in death. RtS |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: bubblyrat Date: 02 Feb 07 - 06:54 AM Hope this isn't on here already. It was told to me by a devout Catholic, so it must be OK. When our Lord died, He ascended into Heaven. It occurred to Him that He ought to report to THE BOSS, so to speak. Then He suddenly realised that, having never actually met God, He wasn't sure who or what to look for! But, gradually, He remembered that God was always portrayed on Earth as being very old, with long white hair & a long white beard. After much searching, Jesus finally found, standing all alone and looking somewhat forlorn, such a white-robed, white-haired, white-bearded figure. He approached tentatively, and tugged at the old man's clothing. "Father? Father, is that you?" He asked. The old man turned, unsteadily, hands outstretched-- "Is that you, Pinnochio?" he said. |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: GUEST,Bainbo Date: 02 Feb 07 - 07:01 AM bubblyrat, forgive me, but that doesn't seem to make a lot of sense as it stands. The way I recall it, an old man turns up at the gates of Heaven looking for his son. Jesus, who's doing a shift for St Peter, asks him for a few clues. The old boy says he's a carpenter, and they'd be able to identify his son by the holes in his hands and feet. Jesus flings his arms round him crying: "Father!" The old guy responds: "Pinochio!" |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: freda underhill Date: 02 Feb 07 - 08:09 AM One night a blond nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her. "My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish," said God. "Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy. I am a bride of Christ. I am doing what I love. I lack for nothing material since the Church supports me. I am content in all ways," said the nun. "There must be something you would have of me," said God. "Well, there is one thing," she said. "Just name it," said God. "It's those blonde jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blonde jokes to stop." "Consider it done," said God. "Blonde jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans everywhere. But surely there is something that I could do just for you." "There is one thing. But it's really small, and not worth your time," said the nun. "Name it. Please," said God. "It's the M&M's," said the blonde nun. "They're so hard to peel." |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: Georgiansilver Date: 02 Feb 07 - 11:30 AM That joke came from here:- Saint Peter wanted a whole day off, From his work at the pearly gates. To go and play a game of golf, With some of his heavenly mates. "Jesus" he said "Your dad told me, I could have a day of rest. If someone would stand in for me, Could you? It's not a test." "Of course" said Jesus, "willingly, But who would I keep out? Best write a list for me St Pete, In case there's any doubt." The following morning Jesus stood, At the pearly gates for Pete. Sent some away and let some in, The list was near complete. Then Jesus saw an aged man, With long grey hair and beard. Someone He thought he recognised, The feeling was quite wierd. "Come to take your place"? he asked The old man He thought He knew. "I'm searching for my son" said the man, "My search has been long and true" "What did you do on earth old man" Asked Jesus with due haste. "A brilliant carpenter" he said, "I furnished many a place". Jesus looked at the man again, Who he really thought he knew. "How would you know this son"? he asked, As He sought another clue. "That's really easy" the old man said, You'll know him if you meet. He's the only one I've ever seen, with holes in his hands and feet. Jesus became excited now, As any person can. "Father"? Jesus asked him, "Pinnocio"? asked the man!. Mike Hill(May 1994) |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 04 Feb 07 - 08:57 AM Is Your Wife For Sale? As US tourists in Israel, a man and his wife were sitting outside a Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists. An Arab salesman approached them carrying belts. After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked where they were from. "America," the husband replied. Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded: "She's not from the States." "Yes I am." said the wife. He looked at her and asked. "Is he your husband?" "Yes." she replied. Turning to the husband, he offered.... .--' |HTML preformat commands added. --JoeClone, 6-Feb-07. |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: Bainbo Date: 05 Feb 07 - 03:13 PM So the first turkey says: "Worrying, isn't, this avian flu?" His pal replies: "Yeah, and knowing my luck, I'll probably get it over Christmas and completely ruin my holiday." (Over on the west side of the Pond, you can substitute "Thanksgiving".) |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: Scrump Date: 05 Feb 07 - 03:30 PM Hope this hasn't been on here before, but apologies if so. Posh & Becks were driving through the country when their car broke down. It was raining heavily so they nipped into an old ruined house for shelter while waiting for the breakdown truck. Posh badly needs a p*ss and asks Becks to look for a toilet. He goes off and comes back a few minutes later, by which time she's getting desperate. "I've found a toilet, but I got some bad news, Posh - it ain't got no door". Posh shoots back angrily: "Then how the f**k am I supposed to get in?!" |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: Georgiansilver Date: 05 Feb 07 - 06:41 PM David Beckham arrives for training full of the joys of Spring, laughing and singing. Ferguson asks him why he is so happy. "I have just completed a jigsaw" said David happily "It only took me two weeks and it says 3-5 years on the box" |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 05 Feb 07 - 10:04 PM If you are having a problem, the entry at 04 Feb 07 - 08:57 AM needs to be viewed in a font such as Roman if the characters on the right hand side do not form a picture.... :-) |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 05 Feb 07 - 10:18 PM
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 10 Feb 07 - 04:18 AM A fire fighter was working on an engine outside the station when he noticed the little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a fire fighters helmet and the wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter said with admiration. "Thanks," said the little girl. The fire fighter looked a little closer and noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little Partner", the fire fighter said, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar too, I think you could go faster." The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.... |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: autolycus Date: 10 Feb 07 - 06:34 AM Q. What's the difference between a thrill and a surprise? A. Nine months Ivor |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: Naemanson Date: 11 Feb 07 - 01:31 AM I stole these of another site. Jack and Jill's marriage hadn't been going' well for sometime so they both decided to visit a marriage counselor together. The counselor asked what was their problems at which Jill started firing off complaint after complaint about Jack not doing' this and not doing' that. There was no intimacy or loving'. The counselor cut Jill short and asked her to stand up, which she did. The counselor went 'round and grabbed Jill and gave her the biggest most passionate kiss she'd had in years, with the counselor saying to Jack 'Now that's what your wife needs 3 or 4 times a week' Jack relied 'Well okay, but I can only bring her round here from Monday to Thursday 'cause I'm either fishing' or golfing' on the other three. *********************************************************************************** These are from someone who was issuing "Idiot" signs. Number One Idiot of 2005 I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away. Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride. Number Two Idiot of 2005 Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing. Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run. Number Three Idiot of 2005 A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and wrote 'this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag.' While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, 'OK' and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America. Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway. Number Four Idiot of 2005 A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for 40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of 40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his 40. Smartass... but you still get a sign Number Five Idiot of 2005 A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, 'Because I don't believe you are over 21.' The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later. This guy definitely needs a sign. Idiot Number Six of 2005 A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, 'Nobody move!' When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him. This guy doesn't even deserve a sign Idiot Number Seven of 2005 Arkansas; Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape. Yep, here's your sign (Please note that all of the above people are allowed to vote.) *********************************************************************************** The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck, and starting jumping up and down along with her. She said, 'I have some really great news!' I said, 'Great. Tell me why you're so happy.' She stopped jumping, and breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant! I knew that she had been trying for a while so I told her, 'That's great! I couldn't be happier for you!' Then she said, 'There's more.' I asked, 'What do you mean 'more'?' She said, 'Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!' Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said, 'Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack. Both tests came out positive!' *********************************************************************************** An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when an intruder startled her. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, 'Stop! Acts 2;38! (Repent, and let every one of you be baptized in the name of Jesus Christ for the remission of sins; and you shall receive the gift of the Holy Spirit.)' The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, 'Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture at you.' 'Scripture?' replied the burglar. 'She said she had an Axe and Two 38's.' *********************************************************************************** An old Louisiana farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot. One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot. At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men. The old farmer said; 'Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement.' 'And what about the men?' the minister asked. 'They all wanted to know if the mule was for sale.' *********************************************************************************** When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know. It all started one day when I was sitting at my desk and remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying, 'Hello.' I politely said, 'This is Rich. May I please speak with Robin Carter? ' Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me.* I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, 'You're an ...hole!' and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word '...hole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell,* 'You're an ...hole!'* It always cheered me up. When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic '...hole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said; 'Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're interested in the Caller ID program?' He yelled 'NO!' and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're an ...hole!' One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a 'For Sale' sign in his car window, so I wrote down his number.* A couple of days later, right after calling the first ...hole, (I had his number on speed dial) , I thought I had better call the BMW ...hole, too.* I said 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?' 'Yes, it is.' 'Can you tell me where I can see it?' 'Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front.' 'What's your name?' I asked. 'My name is Don Burgemeyer,' he said. 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?' 'I'm home every evening after five.' 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?' 'Yes?' 'Don, you're an ...hole.' Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two ...holes to call. But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea. I called ...hole #1. 'Hello.' 'You're an ...hole!' (But I didn't hang up.) 'Are you still there?' he asked. 'Yeah,' I said. 'Stop calling me,' he screamed. 'Make me,' I yelled. 'Who are you?' he asked. 'My name is Don Burgemeyer.' 'Yeah? Where do you live?' '...hole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black beamer parked in front.' He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.' I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, ...hole.' Then I called ...hole #2. 'Hello?' he said. 'Hello, ...hole,' I said. He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are!' 'You'll what?' I said. 'I'll kick your ...,' he exclaimed. I answered, 'Well, ...hole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now.' Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 9 News to let them know about the war going down on West 34th Street. I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street. There I saw two ...holes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and a news crew. NOW, I feel better. Anger management really works!!!!! *********************************************************************************** Four married guys go on a fishing trip. After an hour they start talking about how they got permission from their wives to go. First guy; 'You have idea what I have to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint all the rooms in the house next weekend'. Second guy; 'That is nothing; I had to promise my wife that I would a new deck around the pool'. Third guy; 'Man you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife I will remodel the kitchen for her'. They continue fishing when they realized the forth guy has not said a word. You haven't said a what you had to do to come fishing this weekend. Fourth guy; 'I just set the alarm for 5:30 am. When it goes off, I give the wife a nudge and say, 'Fishing or sex' and she says 'Wear a sweater'. *********************************************************************************** A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver's side. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone and dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it. When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. 'I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are,' he said. 'You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else.' 'How can you say such a thing!?' asked the lawyer. The cop replied, 'Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you.' 'My God!' screamed the lawyer. 'Where's my Rolex?' |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: Peace Date: 11 Feb 07 - 01:40 AM "What happened to the rest of the joke threads? These should be made available. I've tried searching for "joke" and other related wording and they wont come up. Also, when you click on this thread, there are no related threads at the top as there are on most topics." No offense, Jim, but I really don't get it. |
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Subject: Yeah, went over my hRE: First joke thread for 2007 From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 11 Feb 07 - 02:52 AM |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 11 Feb 07 - 02:54 AM Yeah, Peace, went over my head too... |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 12 Feb 07 - 08:44 AM "How Contracts Get Signed" Three contractors were touring the White House on the same day. One was from New York, another from Missouri, and the third from Florida. At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. When they each replied that they were contractors the guard said, "Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys look at it and give me a bid." So to the back fence they went. First up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, "Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." Next was the Missouri contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, "Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." Then the guard asks the New York contractor how much. Without so much as moving the contractor says, $2700." The guard, incredulous, looks at him and says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" "Easy" says the contractor from New York, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we hire the guy from Missouri." Dave Oesterreich |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: heric Date: 12 Feb 07 - 07:30 PM The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers. "We're sorry, Mr. Wilkes, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper. "Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkes shouted. The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?" Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkes said, "Give me the bad news first." The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay." "Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkes. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?" The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up she had 12 twenty-five pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her." Stunned, Mr. Wilkes demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?" The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow " |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: autolycus Date: 13 Feb 07 - 05:52 PM Big Jim just left out the punchline. "O.K. I give in. I WILL show you how to use the loom." Here's one with an needed(?) explanation after. Becks is giving an after-dinner speech. "Well,they're chewy,they're minty,they make your breath smell great for ages after,and Posh says they have only one calorie." At which point the bloke next to Becks tugs at his jacket, "No,David. You're supposed to be talking about tac-tics." Don't know if they've gone global but Becks was talking about a sweet called Tic-Tacs. The Emo Phillips Hasty Pudding recipe was just the funniest. Thanks,Foulstroupe. Ivor |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: Georgiansilver Date: 13 Feb 07 - 06:08 PM The year 2002, The Beckhams living on a Ranch in USA and have spent most of their money but have a small herd of cows left. They decide the best thing they can do is buy a bull to service the cows and increase their living. David sends Victoria by train to an auction 80 miles away with $12000 to buy the bull. She bids for and buys a bull for $11900 and has $100 left which is not enough to send a telegram to David to tell him to come get her and the bull but the telegrapher tells her she can send one word of up to twelve letters for $100. After some thought she says send the word 'comfortable' which the telegrapher duly did. He asked her how David would know what she wanted....so she enlightened him by telling him that David is not a great reader and would read the word syllable by syllable so he would understand the message. |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: GUEST,Bainbo at work Date: 14 Feb 07 - 08:29 AM These jokes about David and Victoria are really unfair, and I certainly hope they don't follow them across the Atlantic when they travel there. I wouldn't want there to be any repeat of jokes like the one about David and Victoria going to a restaurant, when the young waitress asks what they'd like. David gives her a wink and says: "I wouldn't mind a quickie." Not surprisingly, the waitress slaps his face and, rather primly, asks him again what he'd like. Rubbing his sore cheek, David replies. "That hurt. But I'd still like a quickie." The upset waitress is about to slap him again when Victoria leans across and whispers: "David - it's pronounced quiche." No more of those, I hope. |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: Wilfried Schaum Date: 20 Feb 07 - 11:30 AM For those who really care: Here is the Second Joke Thread for 2006 |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: The Walrus Date: 21 Feb 07 - 07:33 AM The Preacher & The Cowboy A Baptist Preacher was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas. After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink. Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips." The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice." |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: heric Date: 21 Feb 07 - 09:07 PM One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon. The demon asked, "Why so glum?" The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!" "Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?" "Sure," the man said, "I love to drink." "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!" The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great." "You a smoker?" the demon asked. "You better believe it!" "You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out! . If you get cancer, no biggie you're already dead, remember?" "Wow, the guy said, "That's awesome!" The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble." "Why yes, as a matter of fact I do." "Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You into drugs?" The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . ." "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!" "Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!" The demon said, "You gay?" "No." "Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!" |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: JohnInKansas Date: 22 Feb 07 - 06:09 AM Maybe an oldie, but "She" just received in the mail: HOW TO HANDLE IRRITATING SEATMATES If you are sitting next to someone who irritates you on a plane or train follow these instructions: (and maybe say goodbye!). Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case. Remove your laptop. Start up Make sure the guy who is annoying you, can see the screen. Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky. Then hit this link [not really recommended that you try this.] John |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: Den Date: 22 Feb 07 - 07:01 AM LOL John. |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 25 Feb 07 - 07:41 AM A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!" Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Harry: "9". Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36". And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade." Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed. Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Harry, after a moment: "Legs." Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered, why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: "Pockets." Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry: "Pants" Ms. Brooks: What's starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid? Harry: "Coconut." The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open. Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer. Harry: "Bubble gum" Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?" Harry: "Shake hands." The principal was trembling. Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?" Harry: "Firetruck" The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong!" |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: Wilfried Schaum Date: 27 Feb 07 - 02:14 AM When his knights fell in in rank and file before King Arthur he noticed a knight with an exceedingly big nose protuding visibly from the unit. So King Arthur asked: "Ma nishtana?" That's a Hebrew from the Passah celebration, meaning: "What makes a difference [between this night and all other nights?"] |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: Wilfried Schaum Date: 27 Feb 07 - 07:35 AM Rev. ed.: When his knights fell in in rank and file before King Arthur he noticed a knight with an exceedingly big nose protruding visibly from the unit. So King Arthur asked: "Ma nishtana?" That's a Hebrew question from the Passah celebration, meaning: "What makes a difference [between this night and all other nights?"] |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: Pseudolus Date: 27 Feb 07 - 03:10 PM A man was very excited after taking his classes in skydiving. He was about to take his first jump and the instructor reminded him, "OK, you jump out, wait ten seconds and pull this cord. If in the unlikely event nothing happens, you pull this second cord, it's your emergency parashute. when you land a truck will come by to pick you up." He's all ready and when told to, he jumps out of the plane, waits ten seconds and pulls the first cord.....nothing. He doesn't panic, he just pulls the second cord....nothing. Now the ground is coming at him like a runaway train and he thinks to himself, "Damn, I'll bet that truck won't be there to pick me up either!" |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: Wilfried Schaum Date: 01 Mar 07 - 01:58 AM The old lord is taking a bath, assisted by his old valet (his former batman). V.: "may I draw your lordship's attention to the fact that his lordship has a hard one?" L., looking down: "Indeed, John, you're right! What a pleasant surprise!" V.: "Does your lordship want me to inform her ladyship?" L: "Oh no, John, not at all; we'll try to smuggle him into town." |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: GUEST,Bainbo at work Date: 01 Mar 07 - 07:40 AM ... and the next time the old lord wanted a bath, he called on his butler, Waddle. "Run me bath, Waddle." Waddle did so, and the old boy instructed him: "Undress me, Waddle." He climbs into the bath, makes himself comfortable and orders the butler: "Wash me, Waddle." As the servant is sponging away, the lord lets forth an almighty fart, which comes bubbling up between his legs. The butler rushes out and comes back with a hot water bottle. "Good heavens," says the master. "What on earth is that for?" "Well," explains the butler. "I distinctly heard you say 'What about a water bottle, Waddle?' " |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: autolycus Date: 01 Mar 07 - 03:59 PM Doctor,I have a strawberry right up my nose. That's all right,I've got some cream for it. Ivor |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 02 Mar 07 - 11:02 AM My Private Part Died Today! An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong. "Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein, "My Private Part died today, and I am very sad." Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences." The following day, Mr Goldstein was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy. "Mr. Goldstein," she said, "you shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas." "But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, "I told you yesterday that my Private Part died." "Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?" (You gotta love this!!!!!!!!!!!) "Well", he replied, "Today's the viewing!" |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: autolycus Date: 02 Mar 07 - 12:45 PM This is from the wonderful Wizard if Id. The peasants rush into the hall where the King is. Peasants. We thought you had a war on poverty. king. I did. Peasants. Well,we're still poor. king. You lost! Ivor |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: Joe_F Date: 02 Mar 07 - 09:16 PM "The oscilloscope is missing." "Call the police. They might have a few leads." "Oh, I wouldn't do that. It might trigger a sweep of the neighborhood." |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: Peace Date: 02 Mar 07 - 09:29 PM Name this person. |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: Peace Date: 02 Mar 07 - 09:33 PM Forget it. Didn't work. |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: Little Hawk Date: 02 Mar 07 - 09:35 PM Knute Rockne (did I spell that right?) |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: Peace Date: 02 Mar 07 - 09:46 PM Bingo in one. |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: wysiwyg Date: 02 Mar 07 - 09:50 PM A couple wanted to join the church. The pastor told them, "We have a special requirement for new member couples. You must abstain from sex for one whole month." The couple agreed and after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the church. When the pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and the husband was obviously very depressed. "You're back so soon... Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired. "We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month," the young man replied sadly. The pastor asked him what happened. "Well, the first week was difficult... however; we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. "However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible...anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts. "One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just had my way with her right then and there. It was lustful, loud, passionate sex. It lasted for over an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat," admitted the man, shamefacedly. The pastor lowered his head and said sternly, "You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church." "We know," said the young man, hanging his head. "We're not welcome at Home Depot, either." |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 04 Mar 07 - 11:25 AM DUI - UPPER MICHIGAN STYLE Only a person in Upper Michigan could think of this. From the county where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story. Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Escanaba, Michigan. After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night), flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left. At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road. The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over, and administered a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken." "I doubt it," said the truly proud Yooper. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy!" |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 05 Mar 07 - 08:56 AM "Final Gift" Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who lived far away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Dad and send me the bill." Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense. Bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, and finally the man called his brother again to find out what was going on. "Well," said the other brother, "You said to do something nice for Dad. So I rented him a tuxedo." |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 06 Mar 07 - 03:52 PM "Retired...random thoughts" ...They told me I was gullible... and I believed them. ...Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway. ...Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone. ...One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people. ...My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies. ...I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure. ...The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity. ...How can there be self-help "groups"? ...If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales? ...Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off. ...Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken? |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 06 Mar 07 - 06:55 PM My wife is wide, I cannot get o'er Neither have I wings to fly But first it bent and then it broke So did my love prove false to me I reached my finger into some soft bush Thinking the fairest flower to find But not so deep as the love I'm in I know not if I sink or swim I pricked my finger to the bone And left the fairest flower behind But love grows old and waxes cold And fades away like the morning dew or something like that... |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: Jim Dixon Date: 06 Mar 07 - 07:24 PM A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked. "Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back off! Or I'll kick the [tar] out of all of you!" St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?" he said. "Just a couple of minutes ago." |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 09 Mar 07 - 08:03 AM Several men are in the changing room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and began to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. MAN: "Hello" WOMAN: "Darling, it's me. Are you at the club?" MAN: "Yes" WOMAN: "I am at the shopping centre and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?" MAN: "Sure...go ahead if you like it that much." WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2006 models. I saw one I really liked." MAN: "How much?" WOMAN: "£70,000" MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing, the house I wanted last year is back on the market, they're asking £950,000" MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of 900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand, After all it really is a pretty good price." WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!" MAN: "Bye, I love you, too!" The man hangs up. The other men in the changing room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape. He smiles and asks: "Does anyone know whose phone this is?" |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 11 Mar 07 - 07:01 AM Mudcat Lead Balloon Joke Category Entrants 1 2 |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: autolycus Date: 11 Mar 07 - 12:21 PM Husband arrives home late. He sees from the light on in the bedroom that the wife is still awake. He goes up via the kitchen and bathroom,and goes into the bedroom with a glass of water and an aspirin. Wife:"What's that?" Husband:"An aspirin." Wife:"What's that for? I haven't got a headache." The husband puts the stuff down,claps his hands gleefully and says, "Great !!" Ivor |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: Roger the Skiffler Date: 16 Mar 07 - 09:18 AM Subject: SATAN'S TEMPTATONS > In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and > spinach,with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and > woman would live long and healthy lives. Then using God's bountiful > gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and Magnums. And Satan said "You > want hot fudge with that? And Man said "Yes!" And Woman said "I'll > have one too with chocolate chips". And lo they gained 10 pounds. > > > And God created the healthy yoghurt that Woman might keep the figure that > Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and > sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 12 to size > 14. > > So God said "Try my fresh green salad". And Satan presented Blue Cheese > dressing and garlic croutons on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened > their belts following the repast. > > > God then said "I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which > to cook them". And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, > butter-dipped lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its > own platter. And Man's cholesterol went through the roof. > > > Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with > potassium and good nutrition. Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and > sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep fried them in animal fats > adding copious quantities of salt. And Man put on more pounds. > > > God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those > extra pounds. And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so > Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman > laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch > jogging suits. > > > Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still > satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonalds and the 99p double > cheeseburger. Then Satan said "you want fries with that?" and Man replied > "Yes, And super size 'em". And Satan said "It is good." And Man and > Woman went into cardiac arrest. > > > God sighed. And created quadruple by-pass surgery. And then Satan chuckled > and created the National Health Service. > > > And.....THE FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION > > > After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here 's the final > word on nutrition and health.: > > > 1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us. > 2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us. > > > 3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than > us. > > > 4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart > attacks than us. > > > 5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer > heart attacks than us. > > > CONCLUSION: > Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills > you. RtS |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: Wilfried Schaum Date: 21 Mar 07 - 11:15 AM A hearty laugh, Roger. How right you are! |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: Georgiansilver Date: 21 Mar 07 - 12:35 PM An elderly couple went to their local surgery for a routine yearly check up on their health. The old guy was first in, examined and the Doc said, "You are fine Mr Smith, I can find nothing wrong with you" The old guy said "There is only one thing I can complain about Doc and that's when I make love to my wife....the first time I get so hot and sweaty it feels a little uncomfortable and the second time I get so very cold and clammy that it's hard to keep going" The doctor was a little impressed that the old guy could actually do it twice and again echoed that he could find nothing wrong with him but to carry on as he was. The guys wife came in to the Doc and was examined and the doc told her she was also very healthy but also said he wasa impressed at the virility of her husband but could not understand why he felt hot the first time they made love and cold and clammy the second. She said "The stupid old sod, what does he expect? The first time is in July and the second in December"" |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: Folkiedave Date: 21 Mar 07 - 05:45 PM Tells better than it writes: Man goes into a library and (almost shouting) says "Can I have some fish and chips please?" Librarian: "Sshhhh this is a library......" Man (whispering this time): Can I have some fish and chips please? |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 21 Mar 07 - 07:30 PM A guy took his blond girl friend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it" she replied,"especially the tight pants and the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over the 25 cents." Dumfounded, her date asked "what do you mean?" "Well they flipped a coin and one team got it and for the rest of the game all they were screaming was 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback! "After all it's only 25 cents!!!" |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 21 Mar 07 - 09:17 PM "Creation of Life" On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?" So God agreed. On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?" And God agreed. On the third day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" And God agreed again. On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years." But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God, "You asked for it." So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone. Life has now been explained to you. Dave Oesterreich |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: Roger the Skiffler Date: 22 Mar 07 - 10:19 AM If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famously erudite scientist and comic who once said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates." 1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. 2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- They don't expect it back. 3 - Half the people you know are below average. 4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot. 6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. 7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain. 9 - All those who believe in psycho-kinesis, raise my hand. 10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. 11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend ... but she left me before we met. 12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark? 13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink? 14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. 15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. 16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. 18 - Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now. 19 - I intend to live forever...so far, so good. 20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? 21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. 22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice? 23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder." 24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? 25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. 26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. 27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. 29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. 30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. 31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. 32 - The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it. 33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film. 34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work? RtS |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: Wesley S Date: 22 Mar 07 - 05:30 PM Has this one been posted here before? A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. 'Are you the manager?' she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.'Actually, no,' he replied. 'Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,' she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. 'I'm afraid I can't,' breathed the bartender. 'Is there anything I can do?' 'Yes. I need for you to give him a message,' she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. 'What should I tell him?' the bartender managed to say. 'Tell him,' she whispered, 'There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.' |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 24 Mar 07 - 08:52 AM A man goes to see his doctor feeling a bit unwell. The doctor checks him over and eventually finds a couple of bags of money up his bum. He pulls them out and can't resist totaling up the value of the coins. Well", says the doctor, "I've found $1999.99 up your butt." "Hmmm", replies the patient, "That would explain why I've not been feeling too grand..." |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: Mickey191 Date: 24 Mar 07 - 04:53 PM A young man from a good family had returned to the small town of Slobodka after studying for several years in Western Europe. He marries his childhood sweetheart, and being an experienced lover, he goes thru a complex series of lovemaking motions, both manual and oral. His last and most exciting maneuver has him stand on the footboard of the bed and make a perfect swan-dive into vaginal coitus with his blushing bride. She complains to her parents and describes each and every maneuver. Her father takes the them to the local Rabbi, whose shocked reaction causes him to floor the groom with a folio volume of the Talmud & declares the wedding annulled. The young man appeals the verdict to the Head Rabbi at Lemberg. The father of the bride appears & describes everything that went on in the marriage bed. The head Rabbi strokes his beard as he listens and finally gives his decision that the young man is within his rights & the marriage is valid. "But our Rabbi said ..." the father begins & the Head Rabbi says, interrupting him, "My Dear Man, what would a little Rabbi in Slobodka know about fancy fucking?" |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: Mickey191 Date: 24 Mar 07 - 05:49 PM AH SWEET REVENGE! She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water. When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back. Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork. A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home......... And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods!!!!!! |
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Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007 From: Wilfried Schaum Date: 26 Mar 07 - 04:33 AM Continued with the Second Joke Thread for 2007
-Joe Offer- |
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